Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

What's your set? What's your set?

No peeking till I say, right?

Say hello to Stubbies.

Woodford's next dining sensation.

Ta -da!

Yeah. You think it's a pit, don't you?

No.

Obviously, once you look past the mouse droppings and the smell of blocked

trains.

Leaky roof and the obvious structural problems.

Sharon. You see the potential.

Am I too late for the unveiling?

Oh, my God.

Is there a blocked drain or are you wearing a new fragrance?

Have you been at the old people's home again?

Because there's a definite whiff of OAP about you.

Pewter Lawns is not an old people's home.

It is a luxury retirement facility for the comfortable elderly.

You've been reserving a room?

Is your visa in order?

If you must know, Sharon, I was visiting the elderly relative of a friend.

Stanley was returning from a colonic irrigation session.

We got chatting. You found out he was loaded, so you thought you'd clean him

in your own way.

I tried getting by my world of quid salary, but it doesn't work for me.

I need money. Lots of it. And if I can't earn it, I will marry it.

Well, I've had a good look round and... Oh, I like your hair.

Just had my roots done.

Oi, Bob the Builder. Step away from the sister. This is Robin, my boss at the

Heaton and Plumbing Company.

I'll carry on, Robin.

Well, as I said, I've had a good look round and it is a breakdown of what a

refurb's going to cost you.

Cheers, mate.

Who's that little madam?

My daughter.

Two minutes, Rosie.

How many feet can you get into that big gob of yours?

I know you from somewhere.

I sat next to you in geography for the whole of year eight.

Really? I was a real bitch back then.

You've changed.

Who's this?

Oh, my name's Poppy.

So cute.

Yeah, she is, isn't she?

I wasn't talking about her.

Look, I can't give you any more of the radiators, but I can give you another 20

% off labour if Tracy will agree to come out for a drink with me.

Oh, sorry.

I forgot I said that.

I'm sorry. I wanted to ask you out at the Christmas party, but I lost my

I've been kicking myself ever since. It just came tumbling out. I'm sorry.

Look, I'll knock off the 20 % anyway.

I'd love to go out for a drink with you.

Well, that's brilliant.

I mean, well, I'll give you a ring.

That's great.

I'm entitled to some fun and all. Deal.

Money off the services rendered.

You know what that is? The only opportunity you'll ever have of earning

than the minimum wage.

Ahem.

Ooh, look at you.

Oh, I hardly recognise you, Tracy. You actually look fabulous.

What's his make? Four dates in ten days?

It reminds me a bit of Daryl. Does he keep nipping out to rob a bank?

He makes me feel safe when he puts his arms round me. I get this funny feeling

in me tummy. Yeah, nothing like the free -solver date. That promise of the

unknown. There's nothing unknown about your dates.

They all end up exactly the same.

One foot through the car window and one through the sunroof.

Well, not with Stanley.

The only flashing going on there is the warning light on his heart monitor.

How old is he exactly?

He's a nonagenarian.

That's older than Bruce Fulstein!

Ah, could you!

But Stanley has no relatives.

I'm the only visitor he's had in years. I light up his life.

No need for his defibrillator when I'm around.

You don't snog him, do you?

Your town don't get stuck under its plate when you have a little stove.

Sharon, stop it.

We just talk.

We chat about soup.

He loves soup.

Oh, that's Robin. Yeah, I'd better get a move on. Stanley's not up to much after

9 .30 once the medication kicks in.

Good luck, Tracy.

Cheers, Dawn.

You going to be all right?

I'll be fine.

I've got four bottles of... cider, a curry, saw one and two and Halloween

slashes the return.

What more could a girl want?

Enjoy yourself. See you later.

Well, apart from Daniel Craig in a mankini.

I'm warning you, mate, I've got a vicious old dog in here.

Stay, Dorian, stay!

Sharon?

Sharon!

Lenny!

Blimey!

Hey, what you doing here?

I think I should be asking you that.

Hello, Stanley, dear.

How are you this evening?

Have you heard?

They're calling us the Captain Peter Jones and Michael Douglas of the day

Are you up to having a little read from my book?

Very well.

Now, where were we?

Oh, page 73, I think.

Lottie laid on the bed.

Her body quivered as he moved slowly towards her.

She could smell the testosterone in him as he reached forward, grabbed her

flimsy blouse, allowing him to expose her.

Yes,

I think we'd better stop there, Danny.

We don't want to push our luck.

Well, what shall we do next?

Stanley, you can't possibly do that.

What if someone were to come in?

Oh, very well.

You know I can never say no to you.

I'd never give this place a spin if I'd have known it was yours.

Oh, it's not mine, actually.

It's Tracy's.

Tracy?

God.

Ed, do you remember when we used to go as a force and with her and Daryl down

the... The Tottenham Royal.

That's right.

I used to keep a lookout while you did the fag machines.

Happy days.

Oh, yeah.

They were good times.

It's really good to see you again, shall?

You too, Lenny.

Do you fancy a cider?

I've got a couple of bottles, chilling.

Oh, well, that would be very nice.

Keep your eyes off the knick -knacks. Oh, sorry.

Force of habit.

It's lovely.

Thank you. To be honest, my favourite eatery is a greasy spoon off the Great

Cambridge Road.

I'll have a good cat.

Jan, you know, Rosie's mum.

She used to tell me off for going there.

Thought we were above that.

Then she ran off with the milkman.

Filthy animal.

Sorry. Well, technically he owned the dairy, but my version makes her sound

more of a scrubber.

I've really missed that.

Until now.

You've filled a big, big hole, Tracy.

Which is more than this dinner's going to do.

I thought there was potato.

I think that's it there, under your radish.

Do you think that cafe of yours will still be open?

They do a lovely all -night, all -day breakfast.

Sounds good to me.

Why do you feel a bit overdressed?

Oh, don't worry.

I'll tell them my donkey jacket's in the wash.

Cheers, Jan. I'll sort the bill.

I'm back!

You're home early.

Robin's got a trade fair in the morning.

What have you been up to?

Not a lot.

Really funny. You'll never guess what's happened.

Try me.

Well, Lenny bumped into Fat Angela and she gave him my address and then he

popped round just on the off chance that I'd be in and he got lucky.

Didn't he just?

Would you mind putting some trousers on, please?

Oops!

Where's my man?

your feet to someone else. No, I'm not. Lenny and the fag machines.

That's me and Marcy shafted, then.

What's happened?

The cold room in the kitchen's gone crook. Speak English.

No cold room means I can't store food, Mum.

If I can't store food, I can't open the restaurant. And if I can't open the

restaurant, I can't pay the bills, Mum.

Oh, no.

We did have one idea how to raise some cash.

A pop -up.

Well, it's like a restaurant, but somewhere different.

Like in a lift?

A little bit small.

I was thinking maybe here.

What, here, here?

It's a bit of a liberty, Garthy.

Filling up your mum's house with people she hardly knows.

Do you mind if I make myself a cup of tea?

I've worked up a terrible first.

There you go. Lovely.

The matron at Stanley's retirement home has agreed to let me

bring him here for a meal.

Now, make sure we get the corner table.

I don't want anyone tripping over his oxygen bottle.

And champagne.

I am pretty sure that he is planning to propose.

You're not seriously going through with all this, are you?

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I'm starting to forget what the inside of Harvey Nicks looks like.

I give them door.

I'm actually rather busy.

Where's Tracy? Why isn't she helping you?

Didn't come home last night.

Really?

That's a first for Tracy.

Even Daryl had to wait from Easter to Christmas before he got a glimpse of

Santa's grotto.

There she is.

Trying to creep in the back door, eh? You brazen hussy.

Grow up, Sharon.

Come on then, Tracy.

Did you? Did I what? Do it!

Of course I did.

Well, where did you go? Was it a seedy budget hotel?

Backseat of a car?

How did he suggest it? He didn't. I did.

You both give it away like sweet.

Would he be better than Daryl? Wouldn't be difficult.

Daryl made love the way he robbed banks.

He went in hard, fired off a couple of shots and got out as quick as he could.

We're back.

Don't say anything to the boys about me being out last night.

You already have, haven't you?

Right, Mum.

So have I got a new dad, then?

All right, Mum.

Good night with it.

I'll see you later.

I may have mentioned it.

Mum, get your gladbreads off. You've got carrots to scrape. Come on, chop, chop.

Right, here you go.

Crab with lemon stomach and a dollop of what?

Sauce on the side.

Enjoy.

Can't you try and sound a bit more professional?

It's the taste what's important.

And you had your thumb in that bloke's soup. No, I didn't. And it's not soup,

it's prawn consom.

Hello. What are you doing here? Well, I just thought I'd come and see how you

were getting on.

We're fully booked.

All our neighbours have turned up for the port coffee.

Really? Service.

Look, I'm obviously in the way here, so why don't I come back later when you're

done and I'll take you out?

Well, I'll probably be a bit knackered, but I usually get a second wind around

midnight.

Don't I know it, hmm?

Why

are

we here?

I thought I'd buy you dinner.

What, are we like 35?

I've got a much better idea.

So, are you going to show me your room or what?

It's a bit messy.

Then we won't turn the light on.

The closing floor.

You're not a virgin, are you?

No.

Oh, do you believe it?

Next time.

In you come. Tracy, Tracy, this is Stanley.

Welcome to Stubby's Pop -Up, Stanley.

Oh, we didn't have any trouble with the front step. Trust me, not a problem for

Brendan.

Over here, Brendan.

Over here.

I don't think we're going to fit that wheelchair in the downstairs loo. Not a

problem. He, um... He wears his own facilities.

Not the question.

I will order the champagne.

But make sure you take the cork out in the kitchen. Any sudden bangs could

finish him off.

You still up for going out tonight?

Not at all.

I, uh... I've got you a little something.

Oh, Lenny.

Oh, it's lovely.

Look what Lenny just gave me.

Looks just like the one that Debbie at 35 got for Christmas.

In fact, it's exactly like it. It's even got her initials engraved on the back.

I told you. I warned you what he was like.

An old dog never changes his pants.

Excuse -moi.

Have you turned over one of our neighbours?

No.

Yes. It's what?

All right, all right, no need to get feisty.

Just calm down. It'll be fine. Just keep them all here. Give them free coffee,

branding, whatever it takes. While he puts all the stuff back.

What sort of self -respecting burglar does a thing like that?

The sort that will be flambéed, filleted, diced...

We still haven't a Tuesday.

Is there anything in particular you wanted to say to me this evening?

What was that?

No, you can't have any more soup.

You know how I feel about you.

You're like a fine wine.

Aged to perfection.

Ready to have its cork popped.

Stanley Barrington caught the third.

Will you do me the honour of taking my hand in marriage?

You can't possibly be engaged.

Who to?

changed, have you, Sharon?

Can't believe you went out with yet another criminal.

And I can't believe that you went out with someone who's older than God.

Previous conniving, wizened old huck of a man, using me to make Brendan jealous.

Don't you reckon the boy done good? Oh, you done brilliantly. Well done. Yeah,

well done, Garth. We well done both of you.

Couple more nights like that and we'll have all the cash we need. A couple

Oh, God, poor as a peanut.

Where's Rosie?

Gone.

She dumped me.

Oh, that's a shame.

We wanted different things.

Seems like we've all had our romantic dreams dashed tonight.

Not all of us. Me and Robin are still going strong.

Try to sound a bit less smug, Tracy.

Rosie says he really, really likes you.

Apparently you look exactly like her mum.

Oh, my God.

Spitting image of you, Trace. Oh, it's creepy.

You can't go out with a man who only sees you as a clone of his ex -wife.

Have you seen that scarf she's wearing? It's exactly the same as the one he

bought me.

He's trying to turn me into one of them Deptford wives.

It's Stepford.

Bloody men.

It's the last time I take my clothes off for any of them.

Me and all.

Won't make promises I can't keep.