Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone

with lonely dreams of you

that won't come true?

Pop another waffle in for me, Garthy?

Don't. She's already had seven.

Six. I'm stocking up. Well, that could take a while. I'm stocking up because

manageress from hell here has moved my dinner breaks while past three. Of

I did.

Lunchtime, as it's known in polite society, is when busy people do their

shopping. And what if the staff faint from hunger?

Not very likely in your case, is it?

Right. I'd better make a move. Baguettes do not butter themselves. Good luck,

love. Knock them dead.

Hardly the best thing to say to a chef.

So you know this, mate?

Why should he be?

It's only a sandwich shop.

So why is he dressed like a Mexican dentist?

You're feeding them crusties.

They're like the biggest thing in fast food right now. They've got over 50

different fillings.

You wish me luck on your poppy.

Like Mum says, it's only a sandwich shop.

Laters. Bye. Oh,

that'll be your minicab, darling.

Actually, it's an executive car service.

Of course it is. I'll jump in the back, shall I? You can jump in the boot.

What? As manager, I can't be seen to have favourites. You'll have to get the

bus. Can I borrow your freedom pass?

Don't be late.

Love. Bye -bye. Do you reckon you could walk Poppy to school tonight? He's on

your way. Of course he can.

No problem.

Come on then. See you later.

See you. Bye, darling. Bye, Poppy.

Right.

You got me to yourself.

What's going on with you and Garfield?

Something's up.

No. Nothing's up. And that's the problem.

Sorry.

The thing is, Tracy, I've always had this powerful libido.

I don't really know anything about Italian cars.

Sorry. You don't have to keep apologising. Sorry. It's an English

Sorry.

You see, having Poppy in with us all night means me and Garthy don't get any

intimate together time.

How did you learn about that massaging, then?

You don't like talking about this sort of stuff, do you? No, I don't. It's bad

enough listening to Dorian going on about her sex ploy, but Garthy's my son.

He's a grown man.

I know that.

I was in a terrible place when I met him. What?

Australia? I mean, emotionally.

Sorry. I was scratching and living, trying to bring up a kitty on my own.

know what that's like.

Tell me about it.

Engard's a great guy.

He did a terrific job.

I know I was snappy with him earlier, and I feel really bad about it now.

I'll make it up to him tonight, if I get the chance.

See what we can sort out.

Thanks, Tracy.

You're welcome.

Because if I don't get it soon, I think I'm going to explode.

What are you doing here?

Thought you might be hungry. Just a wild guess.

You're a lifesaver.

Garfield made it for you, personally.

It's chicken salad.

With extra mayo, just how you like it.

Sharon, are you eating again on company time?

No.

Then what's that on your face?

I'm testing the suntan cream.

It's really good.

Tracy, what are you doing here?

Sharon, it's supposed to be working.

It's important.

Hang on, Trace. If you say it's important, it means it ain't important.

If it is important... Sharon, get back to work.

It's a bit awkward.

Dorothy and Marcy are having problems.

The bedroom.

Mattress too soft?

No.

Pillows too lumpy? No.

But you know I don't like talking about it.

If it's about sex... so I could counsel them.

As well as being a best -selling author of an erotic memoir, I put a sock in its

door. They did that on page 73.

May I remind you, you are on company time here. They don't need counselling,

they just need privacy.

In your house?

Have you a tape for that?

So I said that Poppy can have the box room.

Eh?

What about us?

Well, we'd have to move out.

Obviously. Where to?

Claridge's?

Some hot chocolate.

Oh, cheers.

I need the energy.

If I knew it needed this much blowing, I'd have got Dorian to do it.

Poppy's asleep already, look.

Oh, lucky Poppy.

Oh, come on, Sal. This is loads better than the box room.

It's cosy, it's got a big telly, it's right next door to the downstairs loo

when you come home all shindlers.

Good night, Sal.

Love you.

Yeah. Whatever.

Sharon. It wasn't.

That was me.

Dore, we were asleep. But it's barely ten o 'clock.

I've had the most intellectually stimulating evening at the multiplex of

places. What did you see?

Monsters, Inc.? Hardly.

It was Matthew Bourne's Nutcracker.

In 3D.

watching some ballet bloke's meat and two veg coming right at you.

I just want to hold your hand out and touch.

Think I'll have a jacuzzi before bed.

It may be a cold shower.

You couldn't get a date, so you had to settle for posh old lady porn.

Sharon, would you bring me up a pot of my special verbena infusion?

Of course, milady.

In a parallel universe.

I'm fed up of being treated like a skivvy trace.

Tell me about it. It's bad enough working with her, but living with her

all... Night, Shell.

Night, Trace.

Leave it, leave it, leave it.

Oi, you two!

Get a room!

They've got one, Trace. It's yours.

takes you back, doesn't it, Tracey?

I remember when you and Daryl first started courting and you used to try and

sneak him back into the garden shed.

How do you know about that?

I was in there.

You weren't. I was.

I was in the crafty fag.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

You filthy animal.

Night, Shell.

Night, Trace.

Shh. My mum goes to bed at ten.

What a surprise.

Blimey, it's like blue water at Christmas.

You all right, love?

Yeah. Sorry, Mum.

Always wouldn't mind something to eat, though.

It's all right, love. I'll bunk some pizzas in. Cheers, Mum. Cheers.

All right, Shell? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going up to the loft to have a kip. Well, you can't.

Why not?

It ain't got a window.

Neither did me council flat. You let me sleep there for six months.

I've been freezing.

Are you still doing that?

Ain't you got school in the morning?

I'm just helping Mum.

Yeah, well, I'm here now.

Yeah, but Mum made pizzas for me and my mates, so the least I can do is...

Travis, you're a teenager.

Start acting like one.

Stop being such a mummy's boy and go to bed.

Creep.

Well, couldn't sleep up there after all. Too dark and scary, was it? No.

Flipping freezing.

So I was looking for a blanket and... And what?

You know that programme that's on telly of an afternoon that you reckons pants?

Well, that's most of them.

No, the one that really gets up your pipe. What, Warnie Down Under? No.

What, Homes Under the Hammer? No.

What, Loose Women? No!

Well, what then?

Hash in the attic.

The milky bars are on me.

2 ,500 quid.

And it was just rammed in a bin bag?

Yeah.

Next to Dabble's prized collection of balaclavas.

Good old Dad.

What do you mean, good old Dad?

Well, he may not live here any more, but he's still looking out for us, isn't

he?

Garth, don't you think if your Dad wanted us to have had this money, he'd

told us about it?

Rather than wait for you and Marcy to make such a racket, rutting, that I had

sleep in the attic.

Well, if it ain't from one of Daryl's blags, where is it from then?

Sharon, where is my verbena?

If you don't know that by now, Dor, I really can't see how you wrote that

What on earth is going on?

It was in a loft.

Instead of insulation?

I see.

Well, it's obviously the proceeds of crime, isn't it? That's jumping to

conclusion. True.

But has your husband always had difficulties differentiating between

people's property and his own? Do you mind? Credit where it's due, Daryl's

his nose clean for years.

That doesn't mean he's reformed. It just means he's been lucky.

I had a very big hanky.

Either way, it couldn't have come at a better time.

This could be my deposit on a restaurant.

What about me?

I could go to uni without a student loan.

Talking of loans, I've got a few outstanding with Wonga.

Excuse me, small point. It's not your money. You have to give it back.

To Dad? It's not his you, Plank. Don't you call your brother a plank? But back

to whoever it belongs to.

Does nobody in this family have a single moral scruple?

Define scruple.

Well, I'm sorry, but I am not prepared to stay in a house where there is such a

casual attitude to criminality.

See you then.

No, I just mean that...

I have a certain reputation.

Yes, as featured in every phone box in Soho.

This has got nothing to do with you. This is family business.

I suppose looking on the bright side, it could be a reward.

I don't reward the families of criminals.

Other than with infinite quantities of social security.

I reckon we should just do a straight split. No, this money's going nowhere

until I've had time to think about it. Mum, let's talk about this right now.

Stay in here.

Mum, please. End of.

Sharon?

What are you doing down there? Don't bother to lie. You're eating again,

you?

How inhumane to expect me to go till tea time without sustenance.

I own a camel.

Appearance is to the contrary.

Very well.

Let them eat cake.

What's this in aid of? I've just had the most exhilarating session with our

founder, Barry Quid.

Barry Quid?

It ain't his real name, is it?

Do you want a pastry or not?

There's a pattern developing here, isn't there?

So what did Barry Quidd want?

Me.

He's so impressed with my flexible staff rotor, he wants to roll it out across

the whole chain. And even better, he wants me to take over his new upmarket

store in Snaresbrook.

Do you mean we won't be working together anymore?

Oh, don't pretend to be upset.

OK, I won't.

Can I have the rest of the day off? To celebrate.

No, to get you a leave -in present.

You don't want anything from this old dump, do you?

Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, that's lovely.

Oh, that hurts.

A lot of tension there, Tracey.

I've got a lot to be pent about.

Suppose the old bill come knocking on the door looking for that money.

You don't know what it's like.

I do. My ex didn't spend five years in Melbourne prison to update the plumbing.

I forgot about that.

Sorry.

Oh, that's lovely.

Gases, I've got magic fingers.

Now you're making me tense again.

Ooh, aye, aye, seven, aye.

Is this that you two ain't telling me?

Cockney humour.

I've got your little pretty trace.

Oh, cheers, Cheryl.

Well, I was by the Christian Dior counter anyway. What are you doing at

Christian Dior?

Chanel doesn't do my shade of lipstick.

Marcy, give me and Sharon a couple of minutes, will you? Yeah, no worries.

You've been dipping into that money, haven't you?

No. But I slept with it under my pillow.

How? Unless you skimmed it off before you brought it down.

I may have allowed myself a... Small finder's fee.

Finder's fee? You'll find yourself in Holloway.

It's only 500, Trace.

And it's all right because I laundered it. How?

You and laundry are barely on speaking terms.

I swapped it with a cash in my till.

Don't worry.

Don't worry?

Is everything all right, Mum? Yes, love. Me and your auntie Sharon are just

having a row over what kind of lipstick she should wear at her trial.

I spent a little bit of that money.

Money that I found and now your mother's going into it.

What is it, love?

Well, I spoke to Dad.

You know, like you asked.

And? And the money's not his.

No, it's ours.

Finders keepers.

I mean, he sacked it for these two brothers.

He had to. They made him, Mum.

And they're real nutters.

Once, one of them stabbed the other one in the back.

Yeah, they're right dodgy, them millibands.

Shut up, Sharon. This is serious.

Who are they, love?

Eddie and Keef something.

Coker? Yep, that's it. Eddie the Choker Coker.

Sharon, what have you done?

What?

That's a healthy -looking package you've got there.

I've had a good day.

Got any plans for tonight?

I don't think I can afford you, love.

No, I was flirting, not selling.

Would you mind stepping into my office for a moment, madam?

Yes, madam.

You let me pay stolen money into the bank, you mindless, dishonest,

cretinous... Get off me, try you ain't finished yet.

Now you've made me break her nails.

You're very lucky I didn't lawn you up, Sharon.

Gross!

Mum, I'm still hungry.

Not now, love. Dorian's still beating up your auntie Sharon.

Can I watch?

I thought we were mates.

We are.

But honestly, trying to launder money for your own till. You've been

I mean, if I was trying to launder some dodgy cash, I'd go down the bookies...

Bet on a load of Bonson favourites and walk away with my winnings in clean

notes.

What in halfing can I?

Go and get yourself a burger.

Cheers, Mum.

You swear you didn't say anything about Daryl or the money or us?

And make myself an accessory?

I don't think so.

I just told them a lot of unsavoury people shop at World of Quid.

Any one of them could pass stolen money.

Cheers, doll.

So, I'm off the hook.

Well... until the police review the CCTV footage.

What footage?

From World of Quid.

Obviously, they'll need to check for suspicious activity around the tills.

Oh, yeah.

Define suspicious.

I've heard all the way and as bad as it used to be.

Oh, my God.

Mind you, I don't know what they'll say when they find out the cameras are

dummies. Dummies?

What do you mean, dummies? Because real cameras are expensive, Sharon.

And we don't stock anything worth stealing.

You cow!

If I'd have known they were fake, I'd have... You'd have what?

Don't matter.

At least I'm in the clear.

Until Eddie the Choker -Coker comes knocking and wants to find out why his

is a monkey light.

A monkey light?

What language are you speaking now?

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

Only Poppy doesn't like sleeping on her own.

You know how she feels, Ada.

Plus, she reckons there was some kind of big, scary monster clumping around in

the loft all night. That child must have a sixth sense.

So we're going to have her back in with us.

The box room's all yours.

It's like winning the lottery.

Well, that's that, then.

Terrific rate of interest the money's going to earn up here.

Yeah, well, you'd better make up that monkey before the Coker brothers get

parole. I can nick the money out me till now I know the camera's a fake.

I'm joking.

So, coming to bed?

No, I'd rather sleep in the lounge, actually.

You ain't still got the ump with me, have you? No, I'd just like a nice quiet

night without you snoring and farting. Yeah, suit yourself.

Night, then.

After you.

You don't trust me, do you?

No.

Oi!

That's sexual harassment. I could have you spanked for that.

I dare you.

Now, are you sure my little auntie shall have gone to bed? No worries. I heard

Sharon's still all right. Come here.

Lights off, no lights off. Lights off is more romantic.

Clothes off, no clothes off.

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