Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you

that won't come true?

Sharon.

Tracy. What are you doing in Chigwell?

Why?

Do you need a passport to visit a posh neighbourhood now?

Thought you'd moved back to Edmonton. I have.

But Foxy Cohen isn't signing her book in Edmonton, is she?

There aren't any bookshops in Edmonton anymore.

Or libraries.

Your mate George Bleed and Osborne closed them all down.

for middle -aged women. I should have guessed it was you.

And it's nice to see you too, Sharon, after all these years.

You look fantastic, Dorian. Don't call me that, Tracy.

I've rebranded myself as Foxy Cohen. It would only confuse my fans.

That's why I don't have my photo on the book cover.

Plus, people would never believe an old slapper like you could actually get up

to those things.

Why Foxy Curran, though? You mean you never learned how to find your porn star

name? No. I must have been away from school that day.

Oh, hello.

Hello. You choose your first pet's name and your mother's maiden name, which

makes me, um, Rex Harrison.

You can't be Rex Harrison.

Why not? He was a famous film star.

Oh, that's right. He had a big part in My Fair Lady, didn't he?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, you can't be Rex Harrison.

He was my hamster.

Do you know, girls, I used to feel guilty at leaving you two sad creatures

behind, but not anymore.

Although you have clearly gone up in the world, Sharon, judging by the tabard.

You've lost weight.

What was it?

Gastric band.

Liposuction. Dino rod.

Well, when you live on your own, you have to make a choice.

Between food or heat.

You mean you two don't live together anymore? I mean, not that I really care.

No, we don't.

Why not?

It's a long story. No, it ain't.

She met this bloke called Ralph. I didn't like him. She chucked me out.

married. End of.

You evicted your only sister?

Yeah. Well, she was getting on my allies.

Your what?

Allies. Car pits.

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, what happened to Damien? No, Derek.

Daryl. Oh, yes.

Is he still in prison? No, he moved a while, which is pretty much the same

thing.

But, Miss Cohen, the queue's getting rather wet.

That sort of book, mate.

Yes, my cleaners are just leaving.

Oh, could you sign this for us, eh?

To Sharon or Rex?

Don't put my name on it. It might be worth nothing on eBay.

I'll pay for it on my way out.

See you then.

Don't count on it.

Mary Poppins.

So, how's Travis?

Oh, you know, shooting up.

He's on heroin.

Getting taller.

I'm sorry, Janice. For what exactly?

For saying Ralph was a charter.

He's out for everything he can get. Took your time, though, didn't you?

I was waiting for you to say something first. You were in the wrong. It was up

to you to extend the olive branch.

We don't sell olive branches at World of Quib. No? Well, they buy one, get one

free at Waitrose.

You changed my life, Miss Cohen.

Of course I did.

You and 50 ,000 other desperate housewives.

Look what...

Oh, a gentleman admirer.

Would you like me to sign?

Yes, to acknowledge receipt of this envelope.

Oh.

Done it up? No, I certainly tried.

Lovely, Sal.

Never thought I'd see this place again.

Neither did I.

Fancy a nice cup of instant?

It's world of quid premium blend.

Contains traces of real coffee.

I don't remember your flat being this small.

Oh, I've had a downsized trace.

This new bedroom tax.

Only rich people are allowed to have spare rooms.

Put these on, Trace.

you live like this?

This is how the poor working people of Britain live these days, Tracey. Oh,

it a rest. The country's in a mess, we know that. But as Mr Cameron says, we're

all in this together.

Oh, are we?

Then how comes I never bump into him down by the bins?

You feel terrible, Cheryl.

That'll probably be carbon monoxide poisoning.

The boiler's been playing up. I mean you, this.

It's not right.

I want you to come home.

Home?

You mean Chigwell?

What will your Ralph say?

I don't know.

I don't care.

He's gone.

What, he's dead?

I wish.

What's happened, Trace? You were right, I was wrong. He's a pig.

I caught him going through my knicker drawer, so I slung him out.

You mean he's more Martha than Arthur?

It wasn't Arthur. After me undies, he was after me savings.

You've still got savings?

Not anymore. I had to pay him off for a quicker divorce.

And when did all this happen?

Six months ago.

And it didn't cross your mind to tell me before now?

I was too ashamed.

Well, I'm very hurt, Tracey.

I've got a good mind not to go back now.

Oh, please, shall. I want you to come home. I'm lonely.

It's just me and Travis, and he's always messing about with his wee.

His computer.

Oh.

Oh, I don't know, Trace.

I've become very attached to this place.

That's because the floor's so sticky.

I mean, I've got commitments.

Commitments? You ain't even got a window.

There's a vent ax here in the bog. You can't see out of it, though. You can.

Council didn't put it in properly.

Anyway, I can't go till the weekend.

Why not?

There's a meat raffle at the three brewers. I've got my eye on a nice bit

brisket.

Mum?

In the kitchen, love.

Good day at school.

Not bad.

I've got an A star on my law essay.

Might become a... I'll harass her if my movie career don't take off.

Right, Travis?

What's Arnie's show doing here?

Look, you're letting her back off to the way she upset you.

I've changed my mind. It's wrong to beg, Ruddy. Well, I hope she's not staying

for dinner.

I might stay for breakfast, you know.

Well, I do something about it.

She can't go back to Edmonton. She ain't even got a window.

She'd better not be getting the en suite back.

What do you need a bathroom for?

It ain't like your wash.

Mum, you're going to let her talk to me like that? No, I'm not. I'm going to get

on with the dinner. Now you two go and sort it out. Go on.

I enjoyed that.

Bit over the top, weren't you? You told me to lay it on. Oh, not that thick.

She might chuck me out again. She'd never.

She feels too guilty.

Yeah. Good boy.

So, do I get my 20 quid now? Yeah. Here you are, mate.

Bargain. What's going on?

I was just trying to bribe your son to give up his en suite.

Thought you were.

Look me in the eye and tell me that's the truth.

It was her idea.

What was?

When she found out you'd finished with Ralph.

Found out?

How? I sort of told her.

Why? I didn't think it was fair her living that rabbit arch.

You've been there.

Edmonton?

Get real, Mum.

She showed me around on Skype.

You know about Ralph all the time. Why didn't you say something?

Why didn't you say something?

Because I didn't want to listen to you gloating about how you was right and I

was wrong.

I never gloat, Tracy.

But in this instance, I was right and you were wrong.

And if you'd listened to me the first time that I saw Ralph's internet

I'd say it is too good to be true. Oh!

I suppose you told her about that book signing and all. I was just trying to

bring you two back together.

You're all each other's got.

That's not true.

I've got you, I've got Garfield. He's an Australian mum.

I'll be going uni soon.

The whole time I was growing up, I had both of you here.

It was great.

Like having two mums.

Like having one mum and a really naughty big sister.

Cheers, mate.

I really miss having Garfield around, Mum. Me too.

It's funny the things you miss, isn't it?

Sometimes I even miss Dorian. What, the old slapper from next door? Travis!

Except she ain't Dorian any more.

She's turned into Foxy Cohen.

She wrote that dirty book.

How do you know about that?

Everyone in my year has read Sixty Shades of Green, Mum.

Oh, my God, if I ever clap eyes on her again... She's big time now.

Hardly going to be ringing on our doorbell, is she?

Tracy, you've got to help me. I'm in the middle of a terrible crisis.

You must be Trevor. Travis.

Oh, you're the spitting photo fit of your father.

That's a lot of attitude coming from someone who writes dirty books for a

living. I'm a huge fan, Miss Cohen.

Yes, of course you are.

What do you want, Dorian?

Tracy, I've been served.

Spare us the sordid details.

I mean, served with a writ by the publishers of Fifty Shades of Grey.

They're accusing me of plagiarism. What's that when it's at home?

I mean, she's ripped off their book.

But I didn't.

All the experiences in my novel actually happened.

Even the bit about the sumo wrestlers and the hammock.

Oh, for God's sake, where's the rest?

They're in the hall. Keep your hair on.

Where will you go? Back to Hollywood? Oh, I wish.

I can't go anywhere.

The plaintiff. The what? The injured party in a civil action.

The plaintiff has frozen my bank account.

Most of my assets are overseas where I can't get at them. I don't even know

where I'm going to sleep tonight.

No change there, then.

Uh, hold on. You don't think I can put you up, do you? But I've got nowhere

to go, Tracy.

I can't afford a hotel.

All my funds have been sequestered. Travis?

Frozen pending an outcome.

Well, I'm sorry. I'd love to help out, but we just haven't got the space.

I mean, I'm in the master bedroom.

Travis is in the en suite.

I wanted the en suite. Sharon's in the guest room, which just leaves a box

and that's really pokey. Don't say pokey, Trace. That'll only encourage

Oh. Oh, I see.

It's Ralph, isn't it?

Most women don't like me being around their husbands. Apparently I give off

musk.

Ralph's gone.

I'm sorry?

We got divorced.

Since Thursday?

It was a quickie.

Well, why didn't you say?

Oh, no, it's not important.

All that really matters is, where am I going to sleep?

Doc, why don't you phone the social?

I've got a list of nightshows.

I must have left you something to live on. Oh, yes.

A measly £1 ,000 a week.

A grand?

Poor you.

I know.

Pathetic, isn't it?

Well...

Why don't I make a modest contribution to the running of the household?

I am modest.

What's Sharon giving you?

Aggravation.

I think I can do better than that.

400 a week.

We're bandage here. I think we could have a little bit... I'll do the

negotiating, Tracy.

I am the one that watches Dragon's Den.

400 quid?

You're having a laugh, aren't you?

650. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Take it or leave it. I ain't budging. Then I'll leave it.

No, you're supposed to haggle. You said you won't budge. Well, obviously I'll

budge a bit. I don't think there's any point. Well, of course there is.

Make me an offer. Anything.

410.

Done. See?

Useless. I want £500 a week plus council tax or you can sling your hook.

Well done, Tracy.

It's a deal.

See?

Here you go, doll.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. I'm not staying in this cell.

For £500 a week, I expect an en suite.

Not to mention Wi -Fi, constant hot water and a personalised laundry

Sharon.

But there's only two en suites.

Mum's and mine.

Oh, thank you, Travis. That is so generous of you.

No, it's not. You're back in the guest room, love.

That is so unfair!

And where am I going to keep?

In here.

I can't sleep standing up.

I'm an horse.

Well, if you don't like it, you know what you can do.

Oh, so you're chucking me out.

Again.

That is so unfair.

Oh, grow up, Sharon.

Well, I think I'll go to my en suite and freshen up.

Oh, Sharon.

Baggage.

saying, you don't have to go on saying it. All I'm saying is, I am not waiting

on her hands and foot.

I've already hurt me back dragging her bags up the stairs.

Service.

You've been watching too much MasterChef.

Travis, door, dinner.

Dear, do something pretty with these.

She ain't the queen, Trace. She's bunging me a monkey a week. You can't

her to cuff it like some people.

Everything all right with your en suite, milady?

Absolutely delightful. You'd love it, Sharon.

Sharon, chair.

Yeah, it is door.

That smells delicious.

It's mine.

No, even you can't eat all that.

I won it in a meat raffle.

Second prize.

What's a meat raffle?

Well, you should know.

It's on the big side. Are you sure it's not mutton?

Well, you're the expert.

You aren't expecting a power cut, are you?

I'll get it.

You get it.

So, how long do you reckon you'll be staying with us then, Dor?

Oh, not long.

My lawyer thinks we'll win the case within six months.

Did you get rid of them? Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly? Who was it? What did they want?

Hello, Mum.

Garfield? Oh, my God, Garfield!

Oh, my God!

I can't believe it!

What are you doing here?

Well, you were complaining how big and empty the house is. Was?

Mum, I brought you something back from Australia.

Close your eyes.

I told Garth to call ahead, but he said you wouldn't mind. Hi, I'm Marcy.

This is my mum, Tracy.

This is my little Karen.

I'm the pretty one.

And this is little Travis.

And this is Poppy.

It's all been a bit much for her. Two days ago, she was on Bondi Beach.

Mum, I need the loo. It's just out there on the left, love.

I'm a little confused, Garth.

Is that child yours?

Yes, doll.

I went to Australia five years ago and came back with a ten -year -old

How long have you two been playing happy families?

A few months.

Well, why didn't you say?

Well, I wasn't sure if it was serious.

Cheers, mate.

Until Marcy's ex broke out of jail and we decided it'd probably be a good idea

to visit the old country.

Oh, my God, it's genetic.

You know, if it's a problem, Tracy, we can always find a B &B.

No, it's not a problem, is it? It's not a problem.

Well... Sharon did mention that the Social Security has a list of night

shelters.

Take no notice of her. This is your home. We'll squeeze you in. Come on.

How?

Where?

Sharon.

What?

You kicked me out of bed.

I should turn over. No, you didn't.

This is ridiculous.

I had to give them my room. You can't expect two adults and a ten -year -old

share a box room.

Not after they've just flown for 25 hours.

I'm never going to get back to sleep now. Me neither.