All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s10e01 Gimme Shelter

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you

that won't come true?

Sharon.

Tracy. What are you doing in Chigwell?

Why?

Do you need a passport to visit a posh
neighbourhood now?

Thought you'd moved back to Edmonton. I
have.

But Foxy Cohen isn't signing her book in
Edmonton, is she?

There aren't any bookshops in Edmonton
anymore.

Or libraries.

Your mate George Bleed and Osborne
closed them all down.

for middle -aged women. I should have
guessed it was you.

And it's nice to see you too, Sharon,
after all these years.

You look fantastic, Dorian. Don't call
me that, Tracy.

I've rebranded myself as Foxy Cohen. It
would only confuse my fans.

That's why I don't have my photo on the
book cover.

Plus, people would never believe an old
slapper like you could actually get up

to those things.

Why Foxy Curran, though? You mean you
never learned how to find your porn star

name? No. I must have been away from
school that day.

Oh, hello.

Hello. You choose your first pet's name
and your mother's maiden name, which

makes me, um, Rex Harrison.

You can't be Rex Harrison.

Why not? He was a famous film star.

Oh, that's right. He had a big part in
My Fair Lady, didn't he?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, you can't be Rex Harrison.

He was my hamster.

Do you know, girls, I used to feel
guilty at leaving you two sad creatures

behind, but not anymore.

Although you have clearly gone up in the
world, Sharon, judging by the tabard.

You've lost weight.

What was it?

Gastric band.

Liposuction. Dino rod.

Well, when you live on your own, you
have to make a choice.

Between food or heat.

You mean you two don't live together
anymore? I mean, not that I really care.

No, we don't.

Why not?

It's a long story. No, it ain't.

She met this bloke called Ralph. I
didn't like him. She chucked me out.

married. End of.

You evicted your only sister?

Yeah. Well, she was getting on my
allies.

Your what?

Allies. Car pits.

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, what happened to Damien? No,
Derek.

Daryl. Oh, yes.

Is he still in prison? No, he moved a
while, which is pretty much the same

thing.

But, Miss Cohen, the queue's getting
rather wet.

That sort of book, mate.

Yes, my cleaners are just leaving.

Oh, could you sign this for us, eh?

To Sharon or Rex?

Don't put my name on it. It might be
worth nothing on eBay.

I'll pay for it on my way out.

See you then.

Don't count on it.

Mary Poppins.

So, how's Travis?

Oh, you know, shooting up.

He's on heroin.

Getting taller.

I'm sorry, Janice. For what exactly?

For saying Ralph was a charter.

He's out for everything he can get. Took
your time, though, didn't you?

I was waiting for you to say something
first. You were in the wrong. It was up

to you to extend the olive branch.

We don't sell olive branches at World of
Quib. No? Well, they buy one, get one

free at Waitrose.

You changed my life, Miss Cohen.

Of course I did.

You and 50 ,000 other desperate
housewives.

Look what...

Oh, a gentleman admirer.

Would you like me to sign?

Yes, to acknowledge receipt of this
envelope.

Oh.

Done it up? No, I certainly tried.

Lovely, Sal.

Never thought I'd see this place again.

Neither did I.

Fancy a nice cup of instant?

It's world of quid premium blend.

Contains traces of real coffee.

I don't remember your flat being this
small.

Oh, I've had a downsized trace.

This new bedroom tax.

Only rich people are allowed to have
spare rooms.

Put these on, Trace.

you live like this?

This is how the poor working people of
Britain live these days, Tracey. Oh,

it a rest. The country's in a mess, we
know that. But as Mr Cameron says, we're

all in this together.

Oh, are we?

Then how comes I never bump into him
down by the bins?

You feel terrible, Cheryl.

That'll probably be carbon monoxide
poisoning.

The boiler's been playing up. I mean
you, this.

It's not right.

I want you to come home.

Home?

You mean Chigwell?

What will your Ralph say?

I don't know.

I don't care.

He's gone.

What, he's dead?

I wish.

What's happened, Trace? You were right,
I was wrong. He's a pig.

I caught him going through my knicker
drawer, so I slung him out.

You mean he's more Martha than Arthur?

It wasn't Arthur. After me undies, he
was after me savings.

You've still got savings?

Not anymore. I had to pay him off for a
quicker divorce.

And when did all this happen?

Six months ago.

And it didn't cross your mind to tell me
before now?

I was too ashamed.

Well, I'm very hurt, Tracey.

I've got a good mind not to go back now.

Oh, please, shall. I want you to come
home. I'm lonely.

It's just me and Travis, and he's always
messing about with his wee.

His computer.

Oh.

Oh, I don't know, Trace.

I've become very attached to this place.

That's because the floor's so sticky.

I mean, I've got commitments.

Commitments? You ain't even got a
window.

There's a vent ax here in the bog. You
can't see out of it, though. You can.

Council didn't put it in properly.

Anyway, I can't go till the weekend.

Why not?

There's a meat raffle at the three
brewers. I've got my eye on a nice bit

brisket.

Mum?

In the kitchen, love.

Good day at school.

Not bad.

I've got an A star on my law essay.

Might become a... I'll harass her if my
movie career don't take off.

Right, Travis?

What's Arnie's show doing here?

Look, you're letting her back off to the
way she upset you.

I've changed my mind. It's wrong to beg,
Ruddy. Well, I hope she's not staying

for dinner.

I might stay for breakfast, you know.

Well, I do something about it.

She can't go back to Edmonton. She ain't
even got a window.

She'd better not be getting the en suite
back.

What do you need a bathroom for?

It ain't like your wash.

Mum, you're going to let her talk to me
like that? No, I'm not. I'm going to get

on with the dinner. Now you two go and
sort it out. Go on.

I enjoyed that.

Bit over the top, weren't you? You told
me to lay it on. Oh, not that thick.

She might chuck me out again. She'd
never.

She feels too guilty.

Yeah. Good boy.

So, do I get my 20 quid now? Yeah. Here
you are, mate.

Bargain. What's going on?

I was just trying to bribe your son to
give up his en suite.

Thought you were.

Look me in the eye and tell me that's
the truth.

It was her idea.

What was?

When she found out you'd finished with
Ralph.

Found out?

How? I sort of told her.

Why? I didn't think it was fair her
living that rabbit arch.

You've been there.

Edmonton?

Get real, Mum.

She showed me around on Skype.

You know about Ralph all the time. Why
didn't you say something?

Why didn't you say something?

Because I didn't want to listen to you
gloating about how you was right and I

was wrong.

I never gloat, Tracy.

But in this instance, I was right and
you were wrong.

And if you'd listened to me the first
time that I saw Ralph's internet

I'd say it is too good to be true. Oh!

I suppose you told her about that book
signing and all. I was just trying to

bring you two back together.

You're all each other's got.

That's not true.

I've got you, I've got Garfield. He's an
Australian mum.

I'll be going uni soon.

The whole time I was growing up, I had
both of you here.

It was great.

Like having two mums.

Like having one mum and a really naughty
big sister.

Cheers, mate.

I really miss having Garfield around,
Mum. Me too.

It's funny the things you miss, isn't
it?

Sometimes I even miss Dorian. What, the
old slapper from next door? Travis!

Except she ain't Dorian any more.

She's turned into Foxy Cohen.

She wrote that dirty book.

How do you know about that?

Everyone in my year has read Sixty
Shades of Green, Mum.

Oh, my God, if I ever clap eyes on her
again... She's big time now.

Hardly going to be ringing on our
doorbell, is she?

Tracy, you've got to help me. I'm in the
middle of a terrible crisis.

You must be Trevor. Travis.

Oh, you're the spitting photo fit of
your father.

That's a lot of attitude coming from
someone who writes dirty books for a

living. I'm a huge fan, Miss Cohen.

Yes, of course you are.

What do you want, Dorian?

Tracy, I've been served.

Spare us the sordid details.

I mean, served with a writ by the
publishers of Fifty Shades of Grey.

They're accusing me of plagiarism.
What's that when it's at home?

I mean, she's ripped off their book.

But I didn't.

All the experiences in my novel actually
happened.

Even the bit about the sumo wrestlers
and the hammock.

Oh, for God's sake, where's the rest?

They're in the hall. Keep your hair on.

Where will you go? Back to Hollywood?
Oh, I wish.

I can't go anywhere.

The plaintiff. The what? The injured
party in a civil action.

The plaintiff has frozen my bank
account.

Most of my assets are overseas where I
can't get at them. I don't even know

where I'm going to sleep tonight.

No change there, then.

Uh, hold on. You don't think I can put
you up, do you? But I've got nowhere

to go, Tracy.

I can't afford a hotel.

All my funds have been sequestered.
Travis?

Frozen pending an outcome.

Well, I'm sorry. I'd love to help out,
but we just haven't got the space.

I mean, I'm in the master bedroom.

Travis is in the en suite.

I wanted the en suite. Sharon's in the
guest room, which just leaves a box

and that's really pokey. Don't say
pokey, Trace. That'll only encourage

Oh. Oh, I see.

It's Ralph, isn't it?

Most women don't like me being around
their husbands. Apparently I give off

musk.

Ralph's gone.

I'm sorry?

We got divorced.

Since Thursday?

It was a quickie.

Well, why didn't you say?

Oh, no, it's not important.

All that really matters is, where am I
going to sleep?

Doc, why don't you phone the social?

I've got a list of nightshows.

I must have left you something to live
on. Oh, yes.

A measly £1 ,000 a week.

A grand?

Poor you.

I know.

Pathetic, isn't it?

Well...

Why don't I make a modest contribution
to the running of the household?

I am modest.

What's Sharon giving you?

Aggravation.

I think I can do better than that.

400 a week.

We're bandage here. I think we could
have a little bit... I'll do the

negotiating, Tracy.

I am the one that watches Dragon's Den.

400 quid?

You're having a laugh, aren't you?

650. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Take it or leave it. I ain't budging.
Then I'll leave it.

No, you're supposed to haggle. You said
you won't budge. Well, obviously I'll

budge a bit. I don't think there's any
point. Well, of course there is.

Make me an offer. Anything.

410.

Done. See?

Useless. I want £500 a week plus council
tax or you can sling your hook.

Well done, Tracy.

It's a deal.

See?

Here you go, doll.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. I'm not staying
in this cell.

For £500 a week, I expect an en suite.

Not to mention Wi -Fi, constant hot
water and a personalised laundry

Sharon.

But there's only two en suites.

Mum's and mine.

Oh, thank you, Travis. That is so
generous of you.

No, it's not. You're back in the guest
room, love.

That is so unfair!

And where am I going to keep?

In here.

I can't sleep standing up.

I'm an horse.

Well, if you don't like it, you know
what you can do.

Oh, so you're chucking me out.

Again.

That is so unfair.

Oh, grow up, Sharon.

Well, I think I'll go to my en suite and
freshen up.

Oh, Sharon.

Baggage.

saying, you don't have to go on saying
it. All I'm saying is, I am not waiting

on her hands and foot.

I've already hurt me back dragging her
bags up the stairs.

Service.

You've been watching too much
MasterChef.

Travis, door, dinner.

Dear, do something pretty with these.

She ain't the queen, Trace. She's
bunging me a monkey a week. You can't

her to cuff it like some people.

Everything all right with your en suite,
milady?

Absolutely delightful. You'd love it,
Sharon.

Sharon, chair.

Yeah, it is door.

That smells delicious.

It's mine.

No, even you can't eat all that.

I won it in a meat raffle.

Second prize.

What's a meat raffle?

Well, you should know.

It's on the big side. Are you sure it's
not mutton?

Well, you're the expert.

You aren't expecting a power cut, are
you?

I'll get it.

You get it.

So, how long do you reckon you'll be
staying with us then, Dor?

Oh, not long.

My lawyer thinks we'll win the case
within six months.

Did you get rid of them? Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly? Who was
it? What did they want?

Hello, Mum.

Garfield? Oh, my God, Garfield!

Oh, my God!

I can't believe it!

What are you doing here?

Well, you were complaining how big and
empty the house is. Was?

Mum, I brought you something back from
Australia.

Close your eyes.

I told Garth to call ahead, but he said
you wouldn't mind. Hi, I'm Marcy.

This is my mum, Tracy.

This is my little Karen.

I'm the pretty one.

And this is little Travis.

And this is Poppy.

It's all been a bit much for her. Two
days ago, she was on Bondi Beach.

Mum, I need the loo. It's just out there
on the left, love.

I'm a little confused, Garth.

Is that child yours?

Yes, doll.

I went to Australia five years ago and
came back with a ten -year -old

How long have you two been playing happy
families?

A few months.

Well, why didn't you say?

Well, I wasn't sure if it was serious.

Cheers, mate.

Until Marcy's ex broke out of jail and
we decided it'd probably be a good idea

to visit the old country.

Oh, my God, it's genetic.

You know, if it's a problem, Tracy, we
can always find a B &B.

No, it's not a problem, is it? It's not
a problem.

Well... Sharon did mention that the
Social Security has a list of night

shelters.

Take no notice of her. This is your
home. We'll squeeze you in. Come on.

How?

Where?

Sharon.

What?

You kicked me out of bed.

I should turn over. No, you didn't.

This is ridiculous.

I had to give them my room. You can't
expect two adults and a ten -year -old

share a box room.

Not after they've just flown for 25
hours.

I'm never going to get back to sleep
now. Me neither.