Original subtitles

So, that's the post, then?

That's the post.

I hate solicitor's letters.

Should be used to them by now.

No.

Bad news, solicitor's letters.

Guaranteed bad news.

Says we might learn something to our advantage.

Well, it's a trap, isn't it?

Me and Chris got one of those.

When we turned up, the old bin arrested him.

His solicitor said it was to his advantage.

Well, it cut down his cost of living and kept him out of reach of the bailiffs.

Never had one from Ireland before.

Tipperary, eh?

The long way.

Kilburn's as close as we got.

Me and Chris got them from everywhere.

Stoke Newington.

Harlow.

We even got one from Scarborough once.

Lucky you.

Nah. They still wanted money.

Who do we owe money to in Ireland?

I don't know.

We've never even been, have we?

I know.

It's a worry, isn't it?

Hey, you two.

Amazing news.

Guess what I have bought.

A new pair of tits, but you're saving them for Beth.

I shall ignore your cheap insult, Sharon.

Too excited.

Wait for it.

I have bought a horse.

Where did you buy a horse from?

Harvey Nicks don't sell them.

Well, it was yesterday.

Sandown Park.

Richard and I.

Fabulous day.

Great hospitality tent.

Seafood. Unlimited champagne.

You got pissed and bought an horse.

No, it wasn't a bit like that.

Well, maybe just a bit.

Just a little bit.

Roddy really knows horses.

Roddy?

Roddy McBride. Lovely man.

You got pissed and bought an horse off an Irishman.

You shouldn't be allowed out.

Why can't you be happy for me?

Just once.

Because you've been a prat.

I haven't been a prat. I just bought a horse.

Was it running at Sandow?

Not actually.

Was it walking at Sandow?

Well, it wasn't exactly there.

You bought a horse without even seeing it? Well, of course I didn't. You don't

think I'd buy something like a horse without seeing it.

Here.

Isn't she amazing?

Of course, she'll look even better in my racing colours. I thought smoked

apricot with a sort of deep wine demi -flash and something sparkly and

for night racing. What do you think?

She bought a horse from a photo.

Well, it's all right. She ain't been a prat.

You haven't actually entered over the cash, have you?

That's none of your business.

She's coughed up the reddies and all.

What a prat.

More money than sense.

Do you mind?

Yes, we do as it happens. We've got our own Irish problem.

That's just a letter.

No, it ain't.

It's a solicitor's letter.

May learn something to your advantage.

See? See what?

Well, it's a trap, isn't it?

What? It's just a solicitor's letter.

All right, so they are Irish solicitors, but there's no need to panic.

Well, I mean, not immediately, but why Ireland? Have you got family there?

Mum's side was Irish.

Didn't really know them, though, did we?

Well, that's it.

Somebody's died, and you've been mentioned in the will.

You could be rich.

An estate.

A manor house.

Overlooking green, rolling... What am I talking about? It's you two.

You've probably been left a horse trough outside Donegal.

Give him a ring door.

Find out what's about.

Why me?

You do it.

Well, I can't ring, can I? Why not?

Because I'm pregnant.

My horoscope said that I should avoid violent and abusive confrontations.

We're dealing with solicitors here.

That's how Sharon deals with solicitors.

Very well.

I will dial the number.

And when they answer, I will pause, turn, and give the phone

to you. The best option. You do it.

Hello? I've got a letter from you. My name's Tracy Rackham.

Well, it was. I got married. Is that all right?

Yeah, yeah, she got married as well.

Ain't an offence to get married in Ireland, is it?

No, no, she didn't have any kids.

Ah, now that's an offence in Ireland.

Really?

Well, I never knew that.

Yeah?

Well, I never knew that either.

Pretend to be stupid. Draw it out of the... Really?

That's amazing.

Yeah? Well, I never knew that.

That's amazing.

What is?

Well, I never knew that.

Will we ever?

Yep. Okay, then. I will. Yep.

Bye -bye.

So come on then, amazers.

She was right.

only died and we're mentioned in the will.

Mentioned?

What are they saying about us?

We ain't been slagged off in Ireland, are we?

No, it was about Mum. Before she got married and became a rackon, we always

thought she was a bullock.

She was a bullock.

No, she wasn't a bullock. She changed her name on the boat over.

Her family's name was Nolan.

sisters. You were the Nolan sisters.

Oh, I should have noticed the Irish blood. It's all that craving after

in all their fried form.

Irish relatives.

Well, we never knew that.

That's what I said.

It seems Mum had a brother called Declan. He's the one that died and left

something.

That's amazing.

Yeah, she said that as well.

Now, come on.

What have you been left in the will?

The will hasn't been read yet. But it said it's OK, we don't have to go over

there or nothing.

Well, we don't have to, but we're going to, aren't we?

Oh, come on.

Richard's going away for a week.

You can meet your family and I get to see my horse.

You see, the places we are looking for are only two inches apart on this map.

I can drive two inches, no problem.

But on this map, there are... only an inch apart.

Viewed from the moon, they're probably even less.

I can't go. I'm not having my baby in Ireland and that's that.

I'm having my baby here and I want it all to be special.

Yeah, of course.

Hotels over there are going to cost a bit, eh?

Maids of Ongar will pay.

What, free holiday?

Creative accountancy, Sharon.

We will be going on a fact -finding tour of Tipperary.

Just one way of getting money out of the company.

A perk, Trace. Our first perk.

Yes! No, you mean.

Come on, Trace, loosen up.

You mean drop the baby here right now?

Don't you dare.

It's going to be a free holiday.

We get to meet family we never knew we had.

And we get to collect some of the what's -it.

Well, if it's family, how come she's coming with us?

No, I'm not going with you.

You're too pregnant to fly first class with me.

You two will have to go by boat.

It's a long way, it's a really, it's a long way to go. Why are

we going?

Why? Will you stop singing that bloody stupid song?

I'm just trying to get you in the mood.

Don't bother, I'm already in one.

Come on, Trice, cheer up.

It's a free holiday.

We're going to make family we never even knew we had.

And on top of that, we're going to inherit.

Inherit? You make it sound like we're going to get some huge estate or

something. We don't know, do we?

Oh, get real, Sharon.

If there was some rich member of the family, don't you think we'd know by

How?

Do you think they would address the Christmas card to Dear Poor English

Relation?

Aunty Sylvie would have mentioned it. In fact, no, she wouldn't have mentioned

it. She would have moved in with them.

Positive choice.

It's the journey of a lifetime.

I'm frightened, shall.

We're going to a strange country.

Are we not?

Of course we are.

Ireland's famous for being strange.

You'll feel it only.

Spaghetti hoops.

What's that over there?

The same as here, but with more cabbage.

It's only across the water.

So was Spain, but we bought baked beans there.

OK, I'll have baked beans with your cabbage.

Happy? No.

It's the boat, Shell.

I'm worried about the boat.

Here we go.

I knew we should never have seen Titanic.

We shouldn't have come, shall we? I knew we shouldn't have come.

There's another twinge.

It's your imagination.

Yeah? How do I stop my imagination twinging?

My God, isn't Ireland wonderful?

No, it won't keep still.

You've only seen the docks. But I can't believe it's so civilised.

You won't believe the meal I've just had. Thank you.

Kindly don't mention food in front of Tracy.

Everything's on the move, shall we? Even my own waters are at it.

Up and down, up and down.

Poor little thing must be sick as a dog in there. You feel better when you get

something inside you.

She's got something inside.

That's the problem.

Lunch, I meant.

There's an amazing choice. Look, we don't want to hear it. I told you.

Don't mention food in front of Tracy.

Oh, sorry.

I've got the car.

I've made the reservations.

What would you do without me?

Come on. Chop, chop.

So -so.

It's beautiful, this part of Ireland, isn't it?

Keep still.

Nowhere like this in England.

I don't know.

A bit like Box Hill.

There's something serene about Ireland.

There's something deep and timeless.

Off with the bloody leprechauns you are.

I always knew I was Irish. What, you mean because of all the potatoes you

My addiction to smoky bacon crisps was obviously my attempt to get back to me

roots.

There's nothing else very Irish about you at all.

You know what?

You never move your arms when you dance.

He made the bongos fly in the flag.

Oh, be gora.

This place is getting to me, Trace.

Something's stirring inside me.

Me and all.

Let's go home, shall we?

Yeah, once the will's been read and Dorian's seen her horse, we'll be off.

Promise? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The whiskey's for the vet.

Well, maybe not.

Oh?

Tempsey'll always wake up for another.

I'm your man.

So, you had the queer owl journey, then?

It was a miracle we got here.

Ah, well, it's a long way.

A miracle, did you say?

We've been praying for one of them. Oh, a good miracle could put this place on

the map.

Well, it'd certainly make it easy to find.

A good miracle. And we could be another Lourdes.

Or Knock.

Oh, yes. An international airport.

A motorway down from the north.

A holiday inn.

Tourists. Full employment.

Are you sure it was a miracle you got here?

Well, sort of.

Dorian was driving.

Ah.

What a shame.

Now, nobody driving. That's a miracle.

Sorry to build your house, sir.

It's just that they have such very high standards for miracles these days at the

Vatican. Well, they have to. So many places apply it, you see.

I do.

A good vision, I would swing it.

A what?

A vision of Our Lady.

Or of Our Saviour, of course.

Oh, come to think of it, any major league saint could do the trick.

I'll keep me eyes open. Would you be so kind?

Look, there's my mobile number.

Did you see that?

He gave her his phone number.

Honestly, she's hopeless. She's got no idea who to chat up.

She's never been the same since Ballykiss Angel.

Where are we, Dor?

We got to the back of Beyond and turned left, didn't we?

This is your village, Tracy.

These are your people.

Why don't you speak? to them.

If they were my people, I would want to bond with them.

I know, you'd be bonded silly by now.

Trace, Father Collins wants to introduce us to the family.

What, they're all in here?

No, not all of them.

Only the ones over twelve.

Twelve?

It's a family pub.

It's an Irish family pub.

It's a very nice pub.

Ignore her, Dor. She's going all native on us. She'll be wearing clogs next.

They don't wear clogs in Ireland.

You know Sharon. She never gets nothing right.

We've got to talk about this, Trace.

This is family.

The family we never knew we had.

What did the priest say?

It don't matter. I think we should judge them for ourselves, don't you? What did

the priest say?

He said they're just a bit suspicious.

What, of strangers?

No, of each other.

And a bit argumentative.

In fact, they don't speak to each other.

Suspicious and argumentative.

No need for a DNA test, then.

What else do they get up to?

I mean, what else do they say about him?

You don't know. I mean, they don't go to confession.

Well, they used to. Then they kept arguing about how many Hail Marys they

do. I bet I'll pass on this lot. Oh, come on, Tracy.

This is your family.

Do I have to deal with them as well?

Father Collins, this is my sister, Tracy.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

And I'm Dorian Green, friend and chaperone.

Well, now, there's a Christian thing.

Always glad to meet a good Catholic.

Now, then.

God rest him, had just the three sons.

Brendan, young Declan, and over there, even

younger Declan.

Would you say this is a close family?

I would at this moment in time, yes. Opening time.

This about as close as they get.

Ha! You're a Nolan, all right.

You're the image of our Dolores.

I'm Sharon. This is Tracy.

And you're the image of all the rest.

All of them?

Aye, they're all in pod.

Expecting father.

Yes, Brandon.

And this is Dorian, the chaperone.

Oh, yes.

She's good.

She'll keep the men away.

You're the image of our Dolores. I know.

This is Tracy.

And you're the image of all the rest.

I know. It's because I'm expecting.

The bastard.

He stole me conversation.

Yes, all right, even younger Declan.

Now, Brendan said it already.

but it's family, isn't it?

Oh, stop complaining.

Your will isn't being read till tomorrow.

Come and see my horse.

If it exists.

Jesus, what's that silly old boiler doing here? Quick, get her out.

Well,

if it isn't the gorgeous Dorian Green.

Do you know, even the roses look a poor sight when you step out.

That you say?

Oh, no, no, no, no. We call that Bonnie.

It's the summer grass, my darlings.

A month from now, and she'll be lepping like a two -year -old.

I thought she was a two -year -old. So that's how she'll be lepping, my

Look,

I'm on to the end, O 'Brien, and she'll be like a flying machine.

But enough of these little technicalities.

I have three beautiful ladies to entertain.

This way for champagne.

What about the gift of the gab?

Do you reckon he's kissed the blonde this time?

I reckon he swallowed it.

Oh, be Jesus, but the Irish have a way with words.

We like having a way with words.

How can you believe a word he says?

Tracy, please, don't try to teach your grandmother to suck eggs.

Sorry, Gran.

Don't worry about her. We've got other things to think about.

Reading the will tomorrow?

Can't wait.

And to the Rackham sisters, Sharon and Tracy, I bequeath the top field.

That's outrageous!

So, this is the top field.

The jewel in the crown.

It's just a field.

They're all shedding it.

What's all the fuss about?

Now then, this...

is your top field here, you see.

And these three fields here belong to the three brothers.

Well, gotcha.

So they've got to cross our field to get to theirs.

That's right, you see. You have the common access.

Old Declan never argued about that. He thought there was enough trouble between

them all.

But why did he leave it to us? I mean, he didn't even know us.

Well, he never could sort those boys out. He thought maybe strangers would

a better job of it.

Why can't you sort them out? Go and talk to them. Tell them how to behave.

Ah, well now.

Does the church have a role to play?

This is always the burning question.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Yeah.

Oh.

Really?

And she actually appeared to you?

And where was this?

On the road to Cashel. Oh, now that has a ring about it.

Now, are you sure it was Our Lady?

And tell me, my child, what was Our Lady actually doing?

Eating a choc -ice.

I see.

Okay, I'll be with you shortly.

Oh, it's probably a false alarm, but you never know.

Ah, well, no rest for the wicked, eh?

She's fat, you say?

Well, she's eating a lot of summer grass.

Oh, my God.

It's the colic.

The what?

Oh, yes.

It can swell up something terrible.

Then there's the laminitis.

The what?

Then they die.

Oh, yes.

That's the usual thing.

No. Oh, no.

Something else between the swelling up and dying.

What's that?

I turn up.

I'm the vet, you see.

Oh, yes.

I turn up.

Then they die.

I want to go home, shall.

I don't want to have my baby here.

I want it to be special.

I know.

But we've got to sort this out.

Why? Why?

Because they're family, that's why.

Yes, but it's family. We didn't even know we had.

But they're still family.

Yeah, well, it's family I'm going to give birth to.

At least I hope it is.

Dead disappointed we're no relation.

No, I'm sure she's fine. The chap she's with really knows his horses. Oh, this

is her.

Apparently she's very good.

Oh, yes.

She was good, all right.

Was?

Oh, yes.

Won the Oaks in 89.

Or was it 88?

No.

Oh, yes.

She was good.

But that means she's 12.

I mean, I know she's getting a little fat, but... I should think she is.

She's a brood mare these days.

Must be carrying her fourth by now.

Do you mean I've beat 5 ,000 pounds for a pregnant mare?

I'll buy your field off you.

No, you won't. I will.

You won't, because it ain't for sale.

You mean you've sold it already?

You've sold it to young Declan.

No, we ain't.

I don't believe you.

You've sold it to that gobshite of a brother.

Well, how's that for trust?

Didn't believe a word I said.

Why don't we sell it to, um... Because whoever... we sell it to won't let the

others cross it. Well, just to make matters worse.

How much for the field?

It ain't for sale.

You've sold it to Brendan.

No, we ain't. You're lying. You sold it to that gobshite of a brother.

No, we didn't.

A curse on both of you.

Trace, we've got to spread a bit of love around.

You ain't got a kit with all of them.

Of course I ain't.

Shh, I'm thinking.

I've been ripped off.

I've been sold a pregnant horse.

I've paid 5 ,000 pence for an old broodmare.

How's that a rip -off?

Because it's not what I paid for.

No?

Mr Dempsey, do you know this horse?

Oh, yes.

Surely a classy mare's worth a few bucks.

If it's carrying, it's got to be worth even more.

Oh, yes.

So your quid's indoor.

How?

How do I recoup?

Do we have to show you everything?

We've come for Mrs. Green's horse.

Oh, what will we do if Roddy finds out?

He'll say it's theft.

Relax, doll.

Five grand says it ain't.

God bless you.

Well, now.

A penny for your thoughts.

What kind of cheap thoughts do you think I have for them?

No visions by any chance.

A few more of these should do it.

Hang a bear.

Look at those clouds.

Can you see a face?

It's a bit like... I see what you mean.

A bit like our Lord.

Oh, it's gone.

That's it, you see.

I can't get excited by clouds anymore.

You can't rely on them.

They're gone before you could say, hello, is that the Vatican?

The police will be here. I just know it.

Oh, let's let it go.

Let's get out of here now, all right? Just me and you.

I mean, horse theft. It's probably still a hanging offence in these places.

It's a waste here, isn't it? You expect any minute...

Don't flinch, door.

Stare him out.

And remember, let him go for his wallet first.

So?

So.

You don't have your horse back.

Oh, I am.

It'll cost you. Well, of course it will.

Aye?

Well, sir, under the circumstances, I'd expect it to cost me.

You sly old devil. I know, don't I?

Sportsman, if you please.

Ah, come on, ladies.

You win some and you lose some.

How much for the horseback?

Well, a gesture would be nice. Oh, shut up.

Ignore her, she's drunk.

She never stayed in a pub before.

She paid five grand, so... Add on transport and a night's stabling.

I reckon it's eight thousand.

Is?

Eight. And here, there's two for your cheek.

Done.

Done.

Ten thousand.

So why not?

She is in full to a former derby winner.

Must be worth fifty, maybe more.

Fifty grand?

You mean I've missed the bargain of the decade?

As I said, ladies, you win some and you lose some.

Landlord, the drinks are on these ladies.

Looks like the Nolan brothers are as easily sorted.

Oh, no. I think that would take a massive act of love.

A massive act?

Ah, right. Well, maybe a small act.

I reckon it's got nothing to do with love.

They just need somebody new to hate.

Ah, no.

And I thought, just the person.

Right.

You've heard of horrible absentee landlords.

Well, we're horrible absentee landladies.

And what does that mean?

That means you can cross our field any time you like.

And it'll cost you a fiver every time. What?

Five pounds to get to my own field?

But that's robbery.

That'll put up the price of my stuff. Just a minute.

If you're not here, how are you going to know we have crossed?

Aha.

We've got a system.

You collect the fibres from him.

You collect the fibres from him.

And you collect the fibres from him.

Then at the end of every month, you all give your fibres to him.

OK.

I think we can leave the rest to their honesty, eh, Trace? Yes.

There you go.

They're already trying to work out how to rip us off.

Yeah, well, it's not much of an improvement. But at least they're

each other after ten years.

Yeah. What about that wake we were going to have? Ah, a wake.

Now that's a party, isn't it? And as it comes to a small, intimate gathering,

the drinks are on me.

No. Not tonight, Mr. McBride.

Tomorrow, now.

False alarm, then.

False alarm.

No, it ain't.

I'm starting.

Oh, yes, I am!

No, you ain't! Oh, yes, I am!

Oh, my God.

Of course, it is one thing, but...

I'm your man.

No, you aren't.

Yes, I am. No, you aren't. You're the better.

Ah, they all come out the same end.

Ah, yes.

Plenty of soap, a bit of rope around the hind legs.

of Shockness East Peak.

night, mate.

But sheep, for God's sake!

Dempsey! Vaccinate this child against Scrapey!

You've got my nose.

That'll go as well.

Isn't it amazing?

Stark naked, wrapped up in an old towel, and still he looks working class.

Is that the Vatican?

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