All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s09e04 Model

I'm eight months pregnant.

Yours is the only stuff that fits me.

I'm still going shopping with Dorian.

I've got to. I'm shopping for two now,
aren't I?

You ain't been using my bras as well,
have you?

Not since we got a new hammock for the
garden.

All the underwireing's knackered.

I get more uplift from an old -string
vest.

Get us some support tights while you're
out. The way my varicose veins are

throbbing, I'm going to end up with legs
like two lumps of Stilton.

Listen to us, too.

If you close your eyes, we sound just
like Kate and Naomi.

Time to catch up with them.

Kate Moss will be in the shower one day,
feel something brush against the back

of her knees, and realise it's the
cheeks of a rarice.

Get the iron out. I'll have to wear my
blue one.

You can't wear your blue one. It's in
the wash.

It's really comfortable.

Oh, good.

Well, it makes sense to wear your stuff.

There's no point going out and buying a
whole new wardrobe.

I mean, once the baby's born, I'll be
normal again.

I'm not saying that you're not normal.

I mean, of course you're normal.

I just mean what's normal for me.

I mean, being big isn't normal for me.

Being big is normal for you. Oh, for
God's sake, you know what I mean.

When I woke up this morning, The sky was
blue, the birds were singing and life

was sweet.

Now five minutes were you and I feel
like Quasimodo on a bad hump day.

Oh, you could all wait. Oh, don't tell
me.

Lose a bit of weight.

Why should I punish myself? Just because
society says anyone over a size 16

belongs in a circus.

Big is what I am and big is beautiful.

Good for you, that's right.

No, it's not, you stupid cow.

Let's keep an eye on her.

My God.

I've never seen so much nylon in my
life. The static electricity is

I feel all my body hair straightening.

Nylon? They're polyester.

Oh. The Rolls Royce of the man -made
fibre, you should have said.

There's no rayon in there. If there's
rayon, I'm leaving.

That's a promise. I'll find some.

looking for?

I don't know.

I just want something to brighten myself
up.

Seeing Tracy in my gear has made me feel
really frumpy and dowdy.

Well, let's ignore this schmutter and go
and look at the designer labels.

No.

They may be designer, but they ain't
designed for me. They've got nothing

in my size.

Well, let's just look. No.

I don't want to look like mutton dressed
as lamb.

It's very tacky when a woman tries to...

squeeze herself into clothes she should
have stopped wearing 20 or 30 years ago.

This ain't bad.

What?

Right. That's the one. I'm going down.

a word with you, please.

If you want a cuppa, you'll have to make
it yourself.

The baby keeps sitting on me bladder, so
I'm incontinent now.

It wasn't this bad with Garfield.

Of course, that was 20 -odd years ago.
My body could cope with babies then.

Where is your sister?

I don't know. She went shopping with
you.

I lost her.

You lost Sharon.

That's impossible, daughter. I know.
I've tried enough times.

She's always the loudest thing in the
room.

She lost you. You must have annoyed her.

Fifteen minutes I waited for her in
lingerie.

I became so self -conscious I had to buy
something.

Show us.

Hmm. Not really you, are they?

bong things you cut cheese with.

Actually, they're for Michael, my latest
distraction.

Richard, is he?

Actually, he's very like Richard in many
ways.

A bane, sophisticated, lousy in bed.

I thought forcing him to go to the
office in my underwear might put a bit

fizz into his jism.

Who's are these?

Michael's. Her lay for today.

Here's your support tights. Oh, cheers.

Anyone want a cup of tea?

You all right, Cheryl?

Something happened?

Tell us.

After you left, I went to the checkout
to pay for the tights and the bras. Then

as I was walking away, this woman came
up behind me and put her hand on my

shoulder. Oh, my God, the store
detective.

blouse, wasn't it? You couldn't afford
it, so you decided to shoplift it.

Oh, typical.

Well, if you want me to stand as a
character witness, the answer is no. I

to be tainted by your nefarious
activities.

I don't believe you sometimes, Sharon.

I am this close to having a baby. How
can you be so selfish?

I'll be the only one on the maternity
ward getting visiting orders instead of

new baby cards.

That's what I love about you two.

Always right behind me.

Knives at the ready.

So who was it then?

If you must know, it was a woman from a
modelling agency.

She wants me to go on an audition.

Yeah, right.

Who was it really?

I just told you.

Then I thought, no, they're my sister
and my best friend.

They couldn't be so cruel.

Are you serious?

Her name's Babs.

She works for an agency that specialises
in plus -size models.

That's bigger women.

Sounds a bit dodgy to me.

They'll probably get you in there, give
you a few drinks, and before you know

it, you'll have your kit off and be laid
out on a rug.

With a whip in one hand and one of your
front knees in the other.

I'm not stupid.

They're a packer agency.

They've been hired by the department
store.

They probably approached anyone who came
through the checkout sideway.

Let's not be negative, Tracy.

I think you have to do this.

Well, at worst, it's a couple of hours
out your life. And at best, who knows

what it could lead to.

It could open all sorts of doors for me.

You.

I mean you.

You.

Fantastic. Here we go.

I'm going. Don't be silly.

Lovely.

Is it me or is it hot in here?

You need to loosen some underwear.

Love to.

Don't crowd me, Sharon.

I want to get spotted like you were.

Do you really want to be the woman in
the stair lift, Ed?

Sharon, you've found us. Thanks so much
for coming. Hello, I'm Dorian. Now, if

Vogue needs an icon for the more mature
woman, or if Nicole needs a mama, I am

available.

How did you get in here?

Take no notice. She's with me.

Right. Sorry about all the chaos.

We're in the middle of an underwear
shoot.

He's the photographer. As soon as he's
free, we'll have a chat.

I've got to dash. Grab yourselves a
coffee.

Photographer?

I thought it was just me and Babs having
a little chat.

It's so unfair.

This is where I belong.

I belong with the beautiful people.

What is?

A warning against cheap moisturiser?

Excuse me.

Dorian. I am going to the ladies.

Oh, excuse me. I thought it was the
ladies.

Oh, God, that was heaven.

White. Milky and weak.

Yeah, you are a bit.

No. I want you to make me my coffee.

How can I say this without causing a
faint?

Cobblers.

I'm here to audition.

We all love.

What are you? A backdrop.

a go at me.

It weren't my fault you was born with no
knockers.

Well, I knew they were looking for the
face of the millennium. I didn't realise

they wanted the dome as well.

You

know,

if you had candy phosphor feet as well
as brains...

You'd be a dead ringer for a cotton bud.

Lard arse.

Sticking set.

Good, making friends.

Keith's ready for us, Sharon. Bring your
coffee.

You're dead if you set one foot in, I
know.

I'd have to be.

Keith, Sharon.

Sharon, Keith.

Hello.

Oh, yeah.

I see what you mean, Babs.

She's fab.

Me?

Yes, darling.

OK to take a Polaroid?

Of course.

Cheers.

What's this all about, Babs? We're
setting up a catalogue shoot.

for a range of holiday clothes designed
for the bigger woman.

About time.

I get fed up wandering around Monte
Carlo in my baggy T -shirt.

Our brief was to find girls with a
really natural quality.

Oh, I'm with you.

If it looks good on me, it'll look good
on anyone.

Client's knocked out.

Congratulations, Sharon.

What's he mean?

You've got the job.

It's only going to be a day's work, and
it's a flat fee of a thousand.

Is that OK?

I could do it.

You must be a very proud mum.

I've got this. You never. You never.

You never.

You never.

I'm not going to do this all day.

Oh, he's brilliant, isn't he?

Oh, I've got to go away.

Plea for her?

Yeah, of course.

I hate her for it.

Do I?

I always wanted to be a model.

She'll get a brilliant makeover, lovely
clothes to wear.

I want that.

It doesn't matter that she's a fat
model. She's still a model.

I feel so jealous.

I hate her.

Me too.

You're pleased with me, aren't you?

Ecstatic.

Over the moon.

Well, that's good then.

Right. Now I'm constipated as well as
incontinent.

Where's Sharon?

Upstairs, trying on more new clothes.

She hasn't stopped buying for herself
since she got this modelling job.

She's staying staring at herself in the
mirror for hours.

Like a huge budgie.

That's not very fair.

What are you after?

Looking good, eh?

Fantastic.

Are you sure you can afford all these
new clothes?

I'll get an advance on me face.

Remember, I'm Sharon T now.

Fashion model.

Sharon T.

Babs said I needed something with a ring
to it.

I'll get you a little bell and a bit of
cuttlefish.

I've got something to show you.

There's an article about you in the
local paper.

You didn't tell me you was in the paper.

I didn't know.

Local girl wins modelling contract.

Sharon Theodopolopoulos... Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

I hope to be Haynaught's answer to
Sophie Dahl.

Quick, glamorous Sharon.

In addition to her newfound modelling
career, Sharon is also director of local

cleaning firm, Maids of Onga, which she
runs with Chigwell socialite, Dorian

Green, and her sister, Tracy, 49.

LAUGHTER Are you responsible for this?
Well, as your manager, it is my duty to

get you exposure.

I even got Maids of Onga mentioned.

Clever, eh?

Hold on, hold on.

Manager?

do this.

Your success will be my success.

The world of glamour is where I belong.

Oh, please say yes, Sharon.

I don't even want paying.

I'll take 15 % of what I get you just so
you don't feel you're taking advantage

of me.

10 % and I'll live with the guilt.

Done. You won't regret it.

You're not losing weight, are you?

No, it's this suit. Makes me look
thinner, doesn't it?

Just remember what Keith said.

Stick insects like Jodie Kidd are ten a
penny.

But your combination of 70 % body fat
and bone structure are rarer than

on a leper.

Here's a Mars bar.

Got to go.

Calls to make.

See that, Trace?

All those years we lived next door to
Eric Hall and we never even knew it.

What's your appointment at the clinic?

Half two.

Oh, come on then.

I hope you bump into someone we know. I
love this suit.

You've got one poxy modelling job.

You ain't Claudia Schieffer.

What's the matter with you?

You've had the ump ever since I had the
audition.

I reckon you're jealous.

Do you reckon?

You're all glamour and new outfits.

And all I've got are support tights and
a plastic sheet on me bed in case I wet

myself.

Until you have the baby.

Then everything will be back to normal.

No, it won't.

It'll get worse.

It's just brought it home to me how
stupid I was thinking I could cope with

baby at my age.

I'll be here to help you, won't I?

No, you won't. If this modelling takes
off, you'll be jetting off all over the

place. The Bahamas.

I haven't had my first shoot yet.

Bahamas. See, you're thinking about it.

It's not going to happen, though, is it?
it?

Certainly not to me it's not.

I really resent this baby.

It's going to ruin my life.

You don't mean that.

Yes, I do.

Where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going? Where do I
ever go?

To the clinic.

Well, hang on a minute. I'll come with
you.

No, I'd rather go on my own.

Suit yourself.

I will.

Tracey, stop.

Before you ask, the fabulous Sharon T is
upstairs, sat on her perch.

Our first fashion shoot.

Exciting, isn't it? I can hardly contain
myself.

Oh, that'll be the incontinence.

You are coming, Tracy, aren't you?

No. Oh, Tracy.

This jealousy is such a negative
emotion.

You must purge yourself.

Oh, shut up, Oprah. It's got nothing to
do with being jealous.

I can't come today because I've got to
go back to the hospital for an emergency

scan.

When the doctor examined me yesterday,
she said that the baby felt small.

They're worried that it might not be all
right.

Tracy.

It's all my fault.

You should have heard the terrible
things I was saying about it yesterday,

resented it.

It's a judgment on me.

Don't be ridiculous.

Have you told Sharon?

No. I don't want to spoil today for her.

She thinks I'm still being bitchy.

Don't say anything.

But she'd want to know.

You've got to have someone to go with
you.

I'll make an excuse and come.

She'll know there's something wrong.

Having someone with me won't make any
difference.

There's a problem, there's a problem.

Have you looked out the window?

Have you looked out the window?

Have you seen the car they've sent for
me?

It's having a bleeding mark, isn't it?

Lovely.

Are you still not coming, faceache?

No.

Up yours, then.

Up yours.

Oh, you have got to be joking.

You're supposed to be my manager, aren't
you?

Now manage this or get the bus.

I'm going then.

Bye.

Now, I want you to remember you're the
number one girl today, and we're all

to keep you relaxed and happy. So any
problems, don't hesitate to say.

This is Angela, your stylist.

Susan will be looking after your hair.

Michaela's makeup.

Fiona's your dresser. And for absolutely
anything else in the whole wide world,

just ask our runner, Emily.

Babs, I am actually Sharon's manager
now.

So is there a problem?

No, fine.

Can I get you a

coffee or anything?

Two cappuccinos.

There isn't a machine.

Oh, dear.

You'll have to go out from then, won't
you?

OK. So you passed your audition and I
failed mine. And I've got to do this job

because I've got bills to pay.

But there is nothing...

that you can make me do that'll make me
feel inferior to you.

Two sugars.

Is that more comfortable now, Sharon?

Perfect. Just the right height. The
stool was a bit too high.

OK, Sharon.

Now, prinkle for me, baby.

Blow me away.

Good girl.

More teeth, Sharon.

More teeth.

No, darling.

You're fine as you were.

That's it.

Drop the left shoulder.

Looks like you've got a hump.

Now it looks like he's got a hump.

As you were, please, darling.

Stop! Stop!

Your nose is shining.

Looks like you've got a 60 -watt bulb
shoved up your left nostril. Who is

responsible for make -up?

a bottle of champagne.

No, I really think I should stay with my
client.

I'll be an ex -client if you don't get
your arse out of her in the next

instance.

Don't mean to be personal, but I ain't
in the arse of your mum.

She's my grandmother, actually.

All right, let's do some work.

Oh, yeah, that's brilliant.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Good girl.

God, it's good working with a real woman
after all those disinfects.

And it adds to you're already drunk
enough to fill up the rest of your body.

Stick there and behave yourself.

Trice?

Where's she got to?

Probably still at the hospital.

That was yesterday, you drunken old
trout.

No, no, no, no, no. She had to go again
today for an emergency scan.

Oops.

I think I might have said too much.

Sharon? Why didn't you tell me?

It's OK, it's my sister.

And what's happened?

Nothing yet. She's just about to do the
scan.

How did it go today?

Don't worry about that now.

Oh, no, go on, tell me. Take me mind off
things.

It was great.

Lovely makeover, got to wear lovely
clothes.

People running round after me.

Even got to sleep with the photographer.

Never.

No, I never.

Bet you can't wait for your next shoot,
eh?

Chance to be a fine thing.

It was a one -off.

I reckon I've had my 15 minutes of fame.

There you are, Mrs Stubbs.

There's baby.

Oh, Tracey looks like me!

Is it OK, nurse?

It's fine. A little on the small side,
but everything's perfect.

Oh.

You don't want a big one, do you?

It's not a cat flap you've got down
there.

I can't tell you how relieved I am.

Well, something like this puts it all in
perspective.

Any other problems, I want to know about
it. You stuff all this modelling lark.

From now on, you and this baby come
first.

Excuse me, are you Sharon
Theodopolopoulos?

Recognise me from the local paper, do
you?

No, there's some odd drunk woman on the
telephone for you.

Nurse? Could you say what sex it is?

Do you really want to know?

Yeah, but I don't want anyone else to
know.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Trace, that was Dorian. Some bloke wants
me to do some modelling. He's come

around to see me.

I've only been in the game five minutes.
Already they're gagging for me.

I really feel that my career's going to
take off.

Well, come on, hurry up.

This is me coming first, is it?

Rodney Reigate.

You must be Sharon.

Your manager let me in before she nodded
off.

Thank you.

Can Tracy get you anything?

Tea or coffee?

Not just now, thanks.

So, you'd like me to do some modelling
for you?

Yes.

Yes, I think we can work together. I
like what I see.

Oh, great.

It'll be a studio shoot.

Well, I'm very experienced at those.

For a magazine.

Which magazine?

No, not which magazine.

I'd like to use you in a gardening
feature.

Double page spread.

Yeah, and I know where I'd like to put
the staples.

I see you doing something along these
lines.

She's spread all right.

Naked with her legs in the air.

What's this got to do with gardening?

Well, her head's on a grow bag.

Big, broad and bouncy.

You pervert.

I'll have you know my sister's a proper
fashion model.

Oh, yeah, they're all Cindy -flipping
Crawford when they start, love. But

they're soon knocking on my door when
the bills pile up.

I'll give you big brood and bats.

What do I...