Original subtitles

I'm eight months pregnant.

Yours is the only stuff that fits me.

I'm still going shopping with Dorian.

I've got to. I'm shopping for two now, aren't I?

You ain't been using my bras as well, have you?

Not since we got a new hammock for the garden.

All the underwireing's knackered.

I get more uplift from an old -string vest.

Get us some support tights while you're out. The way my varicose veins are

throbbing, I'm going to end up with legs like two lumps of Stilton.

Listen to us, too.

If you close your eyes, we sound just like Kate and Naomi.

Time to catch up with them.

Kate Moss will be in the shower one day, feel something brush against the back

of her knees, and realise it's the cheeks of a rarice.

Get the iron out. I'll have to wear my blue one.

You can't wear your blue one. It's in the wash.

It's really comfortable.

Oh, good.

Well, it makes sense to wear your stuff.

There's no point going out and buying a whole new wardrobe.

I mean, once the baby's born, I'll be normal again.

I'm not saying that you're not normal.

I mean, of course you're normal.

I just mean what's normal for me.

I mean, being big isn't normal for me.

Being big is normal for you. Oh, for God's sake, you know what I mean.

When I woke up this morning, The sky was blue, the birds were singing and life

was sweet.

Now five minutes were you and I feel like Quasimodo on a bad hump day.

Oh, you could all wait. Oh, don't tell me.

Lose a bit of weight.

Why should I punish myself? Just because society says anyone over a size 16

belongs in a circus.

Big is what I am and big is beautiful.

Good for you, that's right.

No, it's not, you stupid cow.

Let's keep an eye on her.

My God.

I've never seen so much nylon in my life. The static electricity is

I feel all my body hair straightening.

Nylon? They're polyester.

Oh. The Rolls Royce of the man -made fibre, you should have said.

There's no rayon in there. If there's rayon, I'm leaving.

That's a promise. I'll find some.

looking for?

I don't know.

I just want something to brighten myself up.

Seeing Tracy in my gear has made me feel really frumpy and dowdy.

Well, let's ignore this schmutter and go and look at the designer labels.

No.

They may be designer, but they ain't designed for me. They've got nothing

in my size.

Well, let's just look. No.

I don't want to look like mutton dressed as lamb.

It's very tacky when a woman tries to...

squeeze herself into clothes she should have stopped wearing 20 or 30 years ago.

This ain't bad.

What?

Right. That's the one. I'm going down.

a word with you, please.

If you want a cuppa, you'll have to make it yourself.

The baby keeps sitting on me bladder, so I'm incontinent now.

It wasn't this bad with Garfield.

Of course, that was 20 -odd years ago. My body could cope with babies then.

Where is your sister?

I don't know. She went shopping with you.

I lost her.

You lost Sharon.

That's impossible, daughter. I know. I've tried enough times.

She's always the loudest thing in the room.

She lost you. You must have annoyed her.

Fifteen minutes I waited for her in lingerie.

I became so self -conscious I had to buy something.

Show us.

Hmm. Not really you, are they?

bong things you cut cheese with.

Actually, they're for Michael, my latest distraction.

Richard, is he?

Actually, he's very like Richard in many ways.

A bane, sophisticated, lousy in bed.

I thought forcing him to go to the office in my underwear might put a bit

fizz into his jism.

Who's are these?

Michael's. Her lay for today.

Here's your support tights. Oh, cheers.

Anyone want a cup of tea?

You all right, Cheryl?

Something happened?

Tell us.

After you left, I went to the checkout to pay for the tights and the bras. Then

as I was walking away, this woman came up behind me and put her hand on my

shoulder. Oh, my God, the store detective.

blouse, wasn't it? You couldn't afford it, so you decided to shoplift it.

Oh, typical.

Well, if you want me to stand as a character witness, the answer is no. I

to be tainted by your nefarious activities.

I don't believe you sometimes, Sharon.

I am this close to having a baby. How can you be so selfish?

I'll be the only one on the maternity ward getting visiting orders instead of

new baby cards.

That's what I love about you two.

Always right behind me.

Knives at the ready.

So who was it then?

If you must know, it was a woman from a modelling agency.

She wants me to go on an audition.

Yeah, right.

Who was it really?

I just told you.

Then I thought, no, they're my sister and my best friend.

They couldn't be so cruel.

Are you serious?

Her name's Babs.

She works for an agency that specialises in plus -size models.

That's bigger women.

Sounds a bit dodgy to me.

They'll probably get you in there, give you a few drinks, and before you know

it, you'll have your kit off and be laid out on a rug.

With a whip in one hand and one of your front knees in the other.

I'm not stupid.

They're a packer agency.

They've been hired by the department store.

They probably approached anyone who came through the checkout sideway.

Let's not be negative, Tracy.

I think you have to do this.

Well, at worst, it's a couple of hours out your life. And at best, who knows

what it could lead to.

It could open all sorts of doors for me.

You.

I mean you.

You.

Fantastic. Here we go.

I'm going. Don't be silly.

Lovely.

Is it me or is it hot in here?

You need to loosen some underwear.

Love to.

Don't crowd me, Sharon.

I want to get spotted like you were.

Do you really want to be the woman in the stair lift, Ed?

Sharon, you've found us. Thanks so much for coming. Hello, I'm Dorian. Now, if

Vogue needs an icon for the more mature woman, or if Nicole needs a mama, I am

available.

How did you get in here?

Take no notice. She's with me.

Right. Sorry about all the chaos.

We're in the middle of an underwear shoot.

He's the photographer. As soon as he's free, we'll have a chat.

I've got to dash. Grab yourselves a coffee.

Photographer?

I thought it was just me and Babs having a little chat.

It's so unfair.

This is where I belong.

I belong with the beautiful people.

What is?

A warning against cheap moisturiser?

Excuse me.

Dorian. I am going to the ladies.

Oh, excuse me. I thought it was the ladies.

Oh, God, that was heaven.

White. Milky and weak.

Yeah, you are a bit.

No. I want you to make me my coffee.

How can I say this without causing a faint?

Cobblers.

I'm here to audition.

We all love.

What are you? A backdrop.

a go at me.

It weren't my fault you was born with no knockers.

Well, I knew they were looking for the face of the millennium. I didn't realise

they wanted the dome as well.

You

know,

if you had candy phosphor feet as well as brains...

You'd be a dead ringer for a cotton bud.

Lard arse.

Sticking set.

Good, making friends.

Keith's ready for us, Sharon. Bring your coffee.

You're dead if you set one foot in, I know.

I'd have to be.

Keith, Sharon.

Sharon, Keith.

Hello.

Oh, yeah.

I see what you mean, Babs.

She's fab.

Me?

Yes, darling.

OK to take a Polaroid?

Of course.

Cheers.

What's this all about, Babs? We're setting up a catalogue shoot.

for a range of holiday clothes designed for the bigger woman.

About time.

I get fed up wandering around Monte Carlo in my baggy T -shirt.

Our brief was to find girls with a really natural quality.

Oh, I'm with you.

If it looks good on me, it'll look good on anyone.

Client's knocked out.

Congratulations, Sharon.

What's he mean?

You've got the job.

It's only going to be a day's work, and it's a flat fee of a thousand.

Is that OK?

I could do it.

You must be a very proud mum.

I've got this. You never. You never.

You never.

You never.

I'm not going to do this all day.

Oh, he's brilliant, isn't he?

Oh, I've got to go away.

Plea for her?

Yeah, of course.

I hate her for it.

Do I?

I always wanted to be a model.

She'll get a brilliant makeover, lovely clothes to wear.

I want that.

It doesn't matter that she's a fat model. She's still a model.

I feel so jealous.

I hate her.

Me too.

You're pleased with me, aren't you?

Ecstatic.

Over the moon.

Well, that's good then.

Right. Now I'm constipated as well as incontinent.

Where's Sharon?

Upstairs, trying on more new clothes.

She hasn't stopped buying for herself since she got this modelling job.

She's staying staring at herself in the mirror for hours.

Like a huge budgie.

That's not very fair.

What are you after?

Looking good, eh?

Fantastic.

Are you sure you can afford all these new clothes?

I'll get an advance on me face.

Remember, I'm Sharon T now.

Fashion model.

Sharon T.

Babs said I needed something with a ring to it.

I'll get you a little bell and a bit of cuttlefish.

I've got something to show you.

There's an article about you in the local paper.

You didn't tell me you was in the paper.

I didn't know.

Local girl wins modelling contract.

Sharon Theodopolopoulos... Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I hope to be Haynaught's answer to Sophie Dahl.

Quick, glamorous Sharon.

In addition to her newfound modelling career, Sharon is also director of local

cleaning firm, Maids of Onga, which she runs with Chigwell socialite, Dorian

Green, and her sister, Tracy, 49.

LAUGHTER Are you responsible for this? Well, as your manager, it is my duty to

get you exposure.

I even got Maids of Onga mentioned.

Clever, eh?

Hold on, hold on.

Manager?

do this.

Your success will be my success.

The world of glamour is where I belong.

Oh, please say yes, Sharon.

I don't even want paying.

I'll take 15 % of what I get you just so you don't feel you're taking advantage

of me.

10 % and I'll live with the guilt.

Done. You won't regret it.

You're not losing weight, are you?

No, it's this suit. Makes me look thinner, doesn't it?

Just remember what Keith said.

Stick insects like Jodie Kidd are ten a penny.

But your combination of 70 % body fat and bone structure are rarer than

on a leper.

Here's a Mars bar.

Got to go.

Calls to make.

See that, Trace?

All those years we lived next door to Eric Hall and we never even knew it.

What's your appointment at the clinic?

Half two.

Oh, come on then.

I hope you bump into someone we know. I love this suit.

You've got one poxy modelling job.

You ain't Claudia Schieffer.

What's the matter with you?

You've had the ump ever since I had the audition.

I reckon you're jealous.

Do you reckon?

You're all glamour and new outfits.

And all I've got are support tights and a plastic sheet on me bed in case I wet

myself.

Until you have the baby.

Then everything will be back to normal.

No, it won't.

It'll get worse.

It's just brought it home to me how stupid I was thinking I could cope with

baby at my age.

I'll be here to help you, won't I?

No, you won't. If this modelling takes off, you'll be jetting off all over the

place. The Bahamas.

I haven't had my first shoot yet.

Bahamas. See, you're thinking about it.

It's not going to happen, though, is it? it?

Certainly not to me it's not.

I really resent this baby.

It's going to ruin my life.

You don't mean that.

Yes, I do.

Where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going? Where do I ever go?

To the clinic.

Well, hang on a minute. I'll come with you.

No, I'd rather go on my own.

Suit yourself.

I will.

Tracey, stop.

Before you ask, the fabulous Sharon T is upstairs, sat on her perch.

Our first fashion shoot.

Exciting, isn't it? I can hardly contain myself.

Oh, that'll be the incontinence.

You are coming, Tracy, aren't you?

No. Oh, Tracy.

This jealousy is such a negative emotion.

You must purge yourself.

Oh, shut up, Oprah. It's got nothing to do with being jealous.

I can't come today because I've got to go back to the hospital for an emergency

scan.

When the doctor examined me yesterday, she said that the baby felt small.

They're worried that it might not be all right.

Tracy.

It's all my fault.

You should have heard the terrible things I was saying about it yesterday,

resented it.

It's a judgment on me.

Don't be ridiculous.

Have you told Sharon?

No. I don't want to spoil today for her.

She thinks I'm still being bitchy.

Don't say anything.

But she'd want to know.

You've got to have someone to go with you.

I'll make an excuse and come.

She'll know there's something wrong.

Having someone with me won't make any difference.

There's a problem, there's a problem.

Have you looked out the window?

Have you looked out the window?

Have you seen the car they've sent for me?

It's having a bleeding mark, isn't it?

Lovely.

Are you still not coming, faceache?

No.

Up yours, then.

Up yours.

Oh, you have got to be joking.

You're supposed to be my manager, aren't you?

Now manage this or get the bus.

I'm going then.

Bye.

Now, I want you to remember you're the number one girl today, and we're all

to keep you relaxed and happy. So any problems, don't hesitate to say.

This is Angela, your stylist.

Susan will be looking after your hair.

Michaela's makeup.

Fiona's your dresser. And for absolutely anything else in the whole wide world,

just ask our runner, Emily.

Babs, I am actually Sharon's manager now.

So is there a problem?

No, fine.

Can I get you a

coffee or anything?

Two cappuccinos.

There isn't a machine.

Oh, dear.

You'll have to go out from then, won't you?

OK. So you passed your audition and I failed mine. And I've got to do this job

because I've got bills to pay.

But there is nothing...

that you can make me do that'll make me feel inferior to you.

Two sugars.

Is that more comfortable now, Sharon?

Perfect. Just the right height. The stool was a bit too high.

OK, Sharon.

Now, prinkle for me, baby.

Blow me away.

Good girl.

More teeth, Sharon.

More teeth.

No, darling.

You're fine as you were.

That's it.

Drop the left shoulder.

Looks like you've got a hump.

Now it looks like he's got a hump.

As you were, please, darling.

Stop! Stop!

Your nose is shining.

Looks like you've got a 60 -watt bulb shoved up your left nostril. Who is

responsible for make -up?

a bottle of champagne.

No, I really think I should stay with my client.

I'll be an ex -client if you don't get your arse out of her in the next

instance.

Don't mean to be personal, but I ain't in the arse of your mum.

She's my grandmother, actually.

All right, let's do some work.

Oh, yeah, that's brilliant.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Good girl.

God, it's good working with a real woman after all those disinfects.

And it adds to you're already drunk enough to fill up the rest of your body.

Stick there and behave yourself.

Trice?

Where's she got to?

Probably still at the hospital.

That was yesterday, you drunken old trout.

No, no, no, no, no. She had to go again today for an emergency scan.

Oops.

I think I might have said too much.

Sharon? Why didn't you tell me?

It's OK, it's my sister.

And what's happened?

Nothing yet. She's just about to do the scan.

How did it go today?

Don't worry about that now.

Oh, no, go on, tell me. Take me mind off things.

It was great.

Lovely makeover, got to wear lovely clothes.

People running round after me.

Even got to sleep with the photographer.

Never.

No, I never.

Bet you can't wait for your next shoot, eh?

Chance to be a fine thing.

It was a one -off.

I reckon I've had my 15 minutes of fame.

There you are, Mrs Stubbs.

There's baby.

Oh, Tracey looks like me!

Is it OK, nurse?

It's fine. A little on the small side, but everything's perfect.

Oh.

You don't want a big one, do you?

It's not a cat flap you've got down there.

I can't tell you how relieved I am.

Well, something like this puts it all in perspective.

Any other problems, I want to know about it. You stuff all this modelling lark.

From now on, you and this baby come first.

Excuse me, are you Sharon Theodopolopoulos?

Recognise me from the local paper, do you?

No, there's some odd drunk woman on the telephone for you.

Nurse? Could you say what sex it is?

Do you really want to know?

Yeah, but I don't want anyone else to know.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Trace, that was Dorian. Some bloke wants me to do some modelling. He's come

around to see me.

I've only been in the game five minutes. Already they're gagging for me.

I really feel that my career's going to take off.

Well, come on, hurry up.

This is me coming first, is it?

Rodney Reigate.

You must be Sharon.

Your manager let me in before she nodded off.

Thank you.

Can Tracy get you anything?

Tea or coffee?

Not just now, thanks.

So, you'd like me to do some modelling for you?

Yes.

Yes, I think we can work together. I like what I see.

Oh, great.

It'll be a studio shoot.

Well, I'm very experienced at those.

For a magazine.

Which magazine?

No, not which magazine.

I'd like to use you in a gardening feature.

Double page spread.

Yeah, and I know where I'd like to put the staples.

I see you doing something along these lines.

She's spread all right.

Naked with her legs in the air.

What's this got to do with gardening?

Well, her head's on a grow bag.

Big, broad and bouncy.

You pervert.

I'll have you know my sister's a proper fashion model.

Oh, yeah, they're all Cindy -flipping Crawford when they start, love. But

they're soon knocking on my door when the bills pile up.

I'll give you big brood and bats.

What do I...

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