All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s09e03 Sunday

You think that won't come true What will
I do?

It's the boredom what gets to me.

That's what happens if you don't go to
church, isn't it?

You're cursed with this horrible,
restless boredom that peaks when Harry

Seacombe shows up.

That's why they have Sunday shopping.

So you can hide from God in Sainsbury's.

Why'd it do that?

Maybe it's trying to tell us something,
Trace.

Come on, I thought it was going to go
down the antique market while Garth was

away.

The clock store said this lad be cleaned
and overall by next week.

It is his wedding present.

Don't you think we should take it
somewhere proper?

The antique market is proper.

Anyway, it's interesting.

There's nothing else to do on a Sunday.

Oh, yeah.

That Mia rang again.

Who is she?

Her husband was at Maidstone.

She's done very well for herself.

She's got a little bar.

She's asked me to help her out.

Why? People not drinking enough.

I'll go run it for a couple of weeks.

Give her more time with the kids.

Can't rely on the locals. You know what
they're like over there.

Where?

Ibiza.

What?

I told you.

When?

The other night in the bathroom, you was
washing your hair, your head was in the

sink and the radio was on, and I said,
I'm going to Ibiza for a couple of

and you said, oh.

Oh?

That's what you said.

Well, I obviously didn't hear you, did
I?

Then why did you say, oh?

I don't know.

I probably burnt my head on the hot tap
or something.

There's no point discussing it, was
there? You know how you go in the sun?

Tracy, the neon lobster.

See that big red glow over there? You
thought it was the sunset? Well, look

again, it's probably... Yes, OK.

So I burn and peel a bit.

A bit?

What about my Yorker?

Trails of dead skin everywhere.

We've bothered you all over the island
for a week. We never lost your wife.

Walking dandruff from head to toe. Yes,
all right, all right. Turn around quick

in the bedroom. It was everywhere. Mrs
Snowstorm. I didn't get the picture.

Oh, good.

An argument.

Oh, don't stop.

Keep going.

Throw things if you like. I'll just
watch.

Well, I'm bored.

Well, it is Sunday.

Once you've done the Times crossword,
what else is there to do?

Suck your brains in, baddie -dass.

We're going down the flea market.

Oh, good.

If you want any help driving your fleas
to market, just say.

That bored, eh?

That bored.

I'll get it, doll.

No -one to take you out.

Life's not the same without a bloke, is
it?

You know what she's like.

She ain't in the middle of an orgasm,
she's bored.

Not bored.

Bitter. Because she was dumped.

I was not dumped.

I dumped him.

He would know that if he wasn't so
mentally and emotionally incompetent.

Maybe I like that door.

They're about as reliable as the
railways.

No, Tracy.

Men are nothing like trains. Trains
always come late.

I'm not dumped.

I've never been dumped. Got it?

Never.

I'm not bitter.

I just became bored.

Look, why don't you come down to the
antique market with us?

It's amazing.

It'll cheer you up. That's right.

You'll see things there even older than
you.

Closed behind us. Why?

This is a car park for the market.
Really?

Must be London's premier top secret
market.

We parked here last week.

What time was that?

Aye? It's a morning market. It says
parking until one o 'clock.

What time is it now?

Two o 'clock.

Oh, rats.

That's what I thought. They were too big
for mice.

I can't afford to be stuck in it.

What? Where?

Over there by that dance patch.

Oh, my God.

Let's call the attendant.

Right.

Which way is that?

Well, you tell me. This is your fantasy.

It all looks bricked up, doesn't it? It
can't be, can it?

There's got to be a way out.

Well, of course. Nobody would build a
place without a way out.

Okay. Quick search.

Corner each.

It's all bricked up. It's all bricked
up.

It's all bricked up.

I've got a funny feeling. Yes.

Save your funny feeling till we get out.
We'll have a laugh then.

Right. That's the only corner left.

Exit must be over there. Come on.

It's just your lungs, isn't it? How do
men pass fluid like that without

their organs?

I don't care.

The only question I'm into is how do we
get out of here.

We don't, do we?

We're trapped, aren't we?

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

We're going to die, Cheryl. We're going
to die. Oh, pull yourself together, you

stupid woman. This is sheer hysteria.

If we can't get out, we simply phone
somebody to get in.

Like the fire brigade or... Oh, I don't
believe it.

The batteries have gone.

Well, that's it.

She's right.

It's our last chance.

We're going to die. We're going to die.
We're going to die just... Sorry,

darling. I had to. You were going
hysterical.

Yes, right.

Thank you, Sharon.

It's all right.

I've waited nine years for the chance to
do that.

Yeah, I was right.

We are trapped.

We're not trapped.

We're just stuck.

Someone will find us sooner or later,
won't they, Shell?

Oh, yeah, of course.

People pass through here all the time.

It's a place of historical interest,
isn't it?

I reckon we should wait for the next
Thompson tour to pass through and just

on...

Next Sunday.

A week?

That's up here for a week, Shell. Do you
know what that means?

Yes.

We'd have completely lost the thread of
Brookside.

Oh, come on.

We're survivors, aren't we?

We don't know.

We haven't been through the stuck in a
car park with your next door neighbour

test.

We don't just give up, though, do we?

That's right.

We've got to escape.

Right.

So what's the first thing we do?

Form an escape committee.

An escape committee.

Typical. No prizes for getting who'll be
in charge of that.

Well, I think we should all get together
and shout.

Yes. Let's shout what?

Anyone got anything against help?

Well, it's a bit cliche.

I mean, everybody shouts help, don't
they?

unison. No, I think we should shout
help.

In unison.

Nobody knows what that means.

All right, all right.

Forget shouting.

We'll sing something by the prodigy.

That way, nobody will know what we mean,
but at least they'll know we need help.

I think I can shout and shout. You was
always good at that. We just need to be

more original.

Oh, yes, yes.

That matters, I'm sure.

hear some shouting, but it wasn't until
I realised they were yelling something

from the ancient mariner that I got
curious.

The pipes.

The pipes.

Oh, God, she's cracked.

She's hearing things now.

The heavenly choir's next. No, we've all
seen the movies, you know, where the

prisoners tap out Morse code on the
pipes.

Let's do that.

Well, go on, then.

We don't speak Morse.

Only up to O -level.

Well, all right, I admit it. I don't
know Morse either. But it doesn't

Neither does the person on the other
end.

It's the fact that someone's tapping.

They'll know we're here.

I'm a very good communicator. I'll
improvise. You've only got to look at my

phone, Bill.

Oh, well, that's it then, isn't it?

Once she gets on that pipe, she'll be on
it for hours.

pipes. The fire brigade.

Eh?

We set fire to something, people see the
smoke, phone the fire brigade and they

come and rescue us.

Or, we set fire to something, nobody
notices, so nobody comes and we all

to death in the smoke.

Well, that's very positive.

You mean it's very likely.

It is a Sunday.

And nothing ever happens on a Sunday. Go
and say it, I dare you. All right, all

right.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea.

So, what are we going to set fire to?

Well, I ain't got nothing.

Well, I ain't got nothing neither.

Oh, well, surprise, surprise. It has to
be something of mine. Well, I ain't... I

haven't got anything either.

seen your boot? Nothing.

Everyone has stuff in their boot.

Well, I don't. Well, not even a few old
cloths or something.

It's not a rag and bone cart.

What's this, Eddie?

I told you, nothing.

Bloody hell.

I've never seen a boot like that before.

Just a spare wheel and a... Uh -huh.

Oh, that.

That came with a car. Didn't like to
throw it away. It belongs to someone

Jack.

Somebody should hear this.

I think we're going to have to go with
your smoke signals choice.

Yeah, but what are we going to set fire
to?

something of mine because we're all
synthetic door all our stuff flares and

just melts but why does brushed angora
make better smoke why just shut up and

shiver smoke ain't going out show it's
staying in here i'm wafting and i but it

ain't going anywhere okay so you what oh
you two have better get this right i

have made the ultimate sacrifice for the
common good

I take it you know as much about getting
smoke through holes as you do about

nuclear physics and just about
everything else. Oh, so what did you

with? Tapping in a code we don't know on
pipes we don't have?

Well, this isn't working, is it?

So you think of something.

Stuck in here for a week.

Banged up with prisoners' wives.

Right.

Here's our suppliers for the week.

Half a tube of polos and these.

I found it down the back of the seat.

I think it's a wine gum.

But it could be a licorice cutting.

A squashed blackjack.

Anyone into finding out?

I'll put it in our reserve stock.

Might be a bit more adventurous by
Thursday, eh?

Is that it, then?

Half a packet of mints and a sticky
furball?

Check the dashboard again, Trey. Oh,
yes, a turkey dinner might have fallen

behind the map.

Well, you never know.

I am not Meals on Wheels.

Your car's a disgrace.

If that was our car, we could live for a
week on just the...

least of our problems. Water is what we
need.

We've got water?

We've got a radiator full.

Just need three straws.

Some people stay alive by drinking their
own body fluid.

Right. Do you understand what I think
you're saying?

Apparently Gandhi drank his own water
the whole time.

I wonder all his air fell out.

Well, this is it then.

It's curtains, isn't it?

The famous final scene.

We all die a slow and humiliating death.

We'll waste away and they'll just find
our skeletons.

They won't find mine.

Well, that's true. It'll take years for
all of that to rot.

Anyway, I don't care.

I've got me snacks.

They're communal now.

Tuesday, someone might want to eat one.

Paper. Eh? My passing will not go
unrecorded. I've got to write this down.

The last days of Dorian Green.

Prisoner. It'll be a posthumous
bestseller.

Serialised in the Jewish Chronicle. Oh,
yes.

Eat your heart out, Terry Waite.

Don't go wasting paper, Dor. We need all
the paper we can get.

What do you want paper for?

This time tomorrow, you won't be asking
that.

What time do you think it is?

Time for a polo.

Oh, it must be. Come on, Trace, I'm
starving.

No, we agreed.

Minced to get us through the night every
midnight until Wednesday.

And then what?

Then we run out.

Then we take it in turns to lick the
paper in case there's any protein in the

ink.

We all know the best source of protein
around.

What are you looking at?

the best source of protein around.

You must have heard the stories.

Plane crashes in the Andes.

People isolated.

Desperate. The animal instinct rises.

Human flesh suddenly looks interesting.

Succulent, even.

Take no notes about Tracy. She wouldn't
eat us. We're not kosher.

Well, I wouldn't eat you anyway. You
must be full of E -numbers.

Oh, you aren't safe.

Me and Tracy are partial to a bit of
Jewish nosh.

We could go a bit of gefilte Dorian.
That's right.

I've never had Dorian on a bagel.

I bet someone's had Dorian on a bagel.

Here.

Here are the car seats.

They're made of leather.

So?

starting to get to me.

We're sorry, Dore.

We just got a bit hyper.

If you come out, we'll give you a mince
a day early.

We'll be really nice to you. In fact,
we'll love you to death.

Oi.

If you don't come out of there, I'm
going to set fire to this thing and go

train the flames.

Because now I want to go to the loo.

Well, you know where it is.

Good luck.

Oh, my God.

Plenty of pillars to choose from, Dor.

I quite fancy that one.

I could squat a tree behind that one.

Yeah, and what about the rats?

Oh, don't worry about them, Dor. You go
if you want to.

The rats won't look.

right for you two.

You've been squatting behind pillars all
your life. I can't do that. I'm Jewish.

I have to have tiles and white porcelain
or it's not a valid experience.

What do you say at

times like this?

God go with you?

He wouldn't, Sal. Not even God would go
in there.

tell me?

No way.

Taxi!

Shall we say a prayer?

It's a bit drastic, isn't it?

Well, it's Sandy.

Well, that's it.

Everyone else will be rebutting to him.

We should wait midweek.

No chance of being heard.

Turn the car radio on, shall? The news
will be on. See if we're missing.

Eh?

Well, you know what I mean. Someone
might have reported us.

Who?

Oh, yeah.

Garth and Kimberley are away.

There's no -one to miss us.

I think that's really sad.

Don't go to Ibiza without me, shall?

Of course I won't. Promise?

I promise.

It's just you and me now, isn't it?

Yeah.

Just you and me.

It's been over two hours, Cheryl. Two
hours.

Dor?

Dorian? We should never have let her go
in there.

We couldn't help it. She was bursting.

We should have stopped her.

What, with a cork?

I know she was a bit of a cab, but she
didn't deserve this.

I bet there ain't even a body in there.

I bet she's disintegrated in the fumes.

I know she was bursting to go, but you
don't think she did?

What?

Burst?

No.

No, we'd have heard it.

Yeah? What's it sound like?

She was a very vivacious woman.

That's one way of putting it.

Don't speak heel, shall.

We'll miss her.

Yeah.

We'll have to insult each other.

Yeah. Not the same, though, is it?

No, it's not the same.

I suppose we were lucky to have known
her.

Yeah, I suppose we were.

Even though it didn't seem like it at
the time. No, it didn't.

We'll miss her.

Yeah, we will.

It's just you and me now, shall.

Just you and me, Trace.

It's Dorian.

She's risen.

How do Jews do that?

Oh, you all right?

You know, so did I when I got home and
looked at myself in the mirror.

You went home?

Well, of course.

Where else could I have had a toilet so
I could trust and a bath?

You had a bath and all.

What else?

Well, by my second gin and tonic, I
thought, oh, I can't live in there till

Sunday. After all, they wouldn't do that
to me.

OK, I've had a word with security. The
door's on some sort of timer.

I still can't get over your boots.

You never really know someone until
you're stuck in a car park with them.

on earth do you people keep in there?

Everything's all.

That's the beauty of boots.

Your last four pair of trainers.

Moon boots.

Jump leads. That lilo that you thought
was punctured but you can't quite

remember.

I don't believe...

Oh, that's it then, isn't it?

It's just like that scene from Butch
Cassidy.

What, the one where they get shot?

No, no, the one before that.

The one where they hold hands like this.

Yeah.