All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s09e02 Mummies & Daddies

And fine.

Okay, stop panting.

So let's remember the golden rule.

When the head's crowning, keep your
pants up.

If you'd have kept your pants up, you
wouldn't be here.

Now,

next on the agenda, front bottoms.

Let's really feel something moving in
that pelvic floor.

Chance will be a fine thing.

Clench and clench and clench and clench.
Clench, clench, clench. You don't have

to do it, Sal.

I'm not thinking of meself, Trace.

I'm thinking of Leonardo DiCaprio.

Now, here's a way partners can help.

Left hand to the left buttock, right
hand to the right buttock, and knead.

You've got to be there. You'll have to
do the business, and that includes bum

-kneading.

Well, come on, give it some welly, get
stuck in.

Not even wearing me marigolds.

I've had a right arse doing this.

And a left one.

Right, what about drugs?

Well, just the conventional ones, I'm
afraid. We could always bring our own, I

suppose. No, no, that's the point. I
don't want none.

Natural childbirth for me, no chemical
intervention.

Oh, good.

That's... Good.

But the most important thing you'll have
with you is... Hairstylist. Pit flask.

Crowbar.

Husband. Husband, right.

Or partner.

Significant other. Well, fella anyway.

Your bloke.

Or very, very close person of the same
sex, of course.

Sorry, none of my business.

and her birth partner. Oh, sister, yeah,
cool.

I'm all for it, darling. Men never know
where to find anything.

Look, you've got it all wrong.

Me and her have probably had more blokes
than the rest of you lot put together.

And that was just a fortnight in
Torremolinos.

What? You can be so vulgar sometimes.

Really gets on my tits.

Anyway, it was Benny Dawn.

You're a bit previous with that, aren't
you? I mean, they don't do anything for

the first few months but cry, poo and
throw up.

Oh, it's auntie.

I want it to have the things in life
that we never had as kids.

Yeah? Like parents.

We always had to make do, remember?

I had a tin with a stone in it.

It worked much.

Shake, shake.

Rattle, rattle.

They had very limited possibilities.

That was my tin with a stone in it.

No, it weren't.

I always wondered what happened to that.
You nicked my tin with a stone in it.

You never had a tin with a stone in it.
You probably had my gonk and all.

What colour was it?

Purple.

Not the gonk.

I did have the gonk. You gave me the
gonk.

What was the colour of the tin with the
stone in it?

Well, come on, what colour?

Blue. Wrong, wrong. See?

See? It was tin -coloured.

My tin -coloured tin with the stone in
it. Not yours.

Hello, Kimberly.

What are you doing here?

Hello, Sharon.

Tracy, what are you doing here?

We asked first.

That's right, you did.

I forgot.

So, what are you doing here?

It's a maternity unit.

She's expecting.

What's your excuse?

Are you, Tracy? That's wonderful.

I suppose... I mean, is it... What?

No, I just mean what with Daryl being
in... being away.

I mean, it is... Daryl's? Of course it's
their rules.

Well, that's great, Tracy.

I think it's fantastic that women
nowadays can have babies when they're

Older? More mature?

Yeah, well, I don't know if it's
wonderful or not. I'm getting used to

So, what are you doing here?

I was just visiting a friend.

So, what are you doing then tonight? I
think I must have taken a wrong turn at

ear, nose and throat.

Oh.

You don't get to maternity by way of
ears and noses, Kimberley.

You have to go via gynaecology.

Come on, Kimberley, what's going on?

You're up the stick, aren't you?

Yes. It's gas, isn't it?

Gas?

Whatever makes you think it might be
gas? Of course it's not gas.

It's gas.

Obviously.

I wrote to him when he was in France.

Told him I was pregnant.

He didn't reply.

I got the message.

Sod off, Kimberley. Sod off, baby.

Maybe he just thought I'd, you know,
solve the problem.

Must have thought of it.

Oh, yeah, obvious option.

But I decided to have the baby.

Stupid, right?

Stupid, definitely.

But I'd have done the same.

Won't till I see him. Oh, no, don't say
anything to him. I don't want anything

from him.

You've already got it.

Are we ready?

Are you here on your own?

Yeah. I thought about asking Mum to be
my birth partner, but she has to look

other way when somebody's stuffing a
chicken.

Well, don't look at me.

I've been clenching away all morning.

My pelvic floor's like a boxer's bicep.

Well, it's nice to see you, Sharon.

And you, Tracy.

I'll send you a card.

You know, when it's born.

That's not like my Garfield, is it,
Shell?

Doing a runner.

Let's see.

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl have a leg
-over session.

Boy goes to France. Girl writes the
faces up the stick. Boy doesn't answer.

Girl faces up to single parenthood and a
life on the social.

No, never heard of a bloke like that
before, Trey.

I'm talking about Gar.

He's a bloke, isn't he?

I thought I brought him up to respect
other people's feelings.

It's just men, Trace.

I mean, take football.

As soon as the ball's in the net, they
turn and run in the opposite direction.

They just can't help themselves.

Score and run.

Score and run.

Well, I'm not having it. He can ring her
up and speak to her. Take

responsibility.

He's had his way, now he'll have to pay.

Oh, God.

I hadn't thought about that.

Child support.

I mean, he's a commie chef.

Apart from his share in the restaurant,
all he's got in the world is his tall

act and his fate of the art chopper.

Don't.

I have done something really stupid.

Morning after Pilby, anyhow?

No, it would not.

No. Don't suppose that's a worry at your
time of life, eh?

I need the key to Richard's place.

I've left a message on the answer
machine. I've got to erase it.

You swine. I never want to see you
again. I shouldn't know and you'll be

all the others. All men are pigs. Oink,
oink.

Yes,

something like that.

And you thought better of it.

I was unhappy.

I had a gin and tonic.

Then I had another gin and tonic.

Then I telephoned him.

The brats answered.

You are a schemer. old slapper with a
face like a chamois leather, dyed hair

baggy bristles.

And you'd do us both a favour by
chucking yourself under a bus.

That was the essence of it, yes, Sharon.

But I could have done without the
embellishment.

So I became even more unhappy.

Then I had another drink or two.

Did the bottle more like?

And then I called back.

The mutant had switched on the answer
machine.

So, I left a message telling Richards I
thought it better we ended our

association.

Except they weren't your exact words,
were they, Dawn?

Not quite.

No.

I called his children the spawn of hell.

And I said he would never see me again
unless he drove stakes through their

hearts and had them flown to
Transylvania for burial.

And then I remembered he's away on a two
-day conference.

So I have got to get the tape before
dumb and dumber return.

But the keys are in the kitchen. Can we
have the board meeting first, Dawn?

Right. First item on the agenda.

Workforce. In particular, Tina Randall.

Three complaints concerning cleaning
standards below par.

How far below?

Nothing sluiced, nothing washed, nothing
flushed. Oh, dear.

Two complaints about poor timekeeping.
How poor?

She never turned up.

Four complaints concerning rudeness.

Ah, rude.

Shove this mop up your jecksy, you rat
-faced pillock.

It can't go on, and neither can she. Do
you know, we have worked very hard to

establish a good reputation. We cannot
have our staff insulting our customers.

Praise fair, Dora, he is a rat -faced
pillock.

Well, yes.

He's also got halitosis that could strip
paint.

But he is a client, and he does pay his
bills on time.

She's got to go.

Let's vote.

She's fired.

Oh, are you?

Why up?

Should first ask questions later.

I mean, don't you think we should talk
to Adore, find out what the problem is?

Oh, I don't consider it my business,
Tracy, to plumb the murky depths of the

criminal mind.

She's not a criminal.

Her Ron's a criminal.

Look, it's nine complaints in six days.
She's out. It's just a matter of who

tells her.

Oh, come on. It's our business she's
undermining.

Well, we'll have to have the meeting
round your place.

I've got a crisis of my own at the
moment.

Kimberley's pregnant.

Oh.

And it's Garth?

Yes. Oh, well, of course.

Like father, like son. It's in the
genes.

It didn't stay in his genes, did it?

Oh, all right, then. My place. Look, any
other business, I'm getting jumpy about

the message.

I insulted his manhood.

Oh, dear.

Size, ability or staying power?

All three.

You better get round there double quick,
Dor. There's three things a man doesn't

want to wear. You're no good at boozing,
you're no good at bonking and your

team's been relegated.

Where is it, then?

Well, you said you had a surprise for
me.

Sharon.

Sharon.

I thought you were different from other
blokes, Garth. Did you, Sharon?

No, I'm just the same.

A bit bigger, maybe.

When you get to the bloody good sick
-ear stage, give him one for me, will

I ran into Kimberley today.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I ran into Kimberley at the antenatal
clinic.

Did she mention me at all?

Yeah, she did as it happened.

When I ran into her at the antenatal
clinic.

What did she say?

She was in tears, in trouble, in the
club.

I was thinking about phoning her, but I
thought, you know, no news is bad news.

Antenatal clinic?

Yes, Garth.

In the club?

Yes, Garth.

To use terms that a chef would
understand, meat to veg.

Bun, oven.

In the soup.

Oh, it was sodder then.

Exactly.

Sodder, sod the baby.

That's your attitude, isn't it? That's
why you never reply to her letters.

That's why she's up the antenator on her
tod.

Hang on a minute. You don't think it's
mine, do you?

Garth, I know it's yours.

How? How?

How do you think your daft pill at
Kimberley told me?

What?

She wrote to you.

She sent you letters. You ignored them.

Ignored your own baby.

How could you, Garth? Mum, I didn't.

She was so angry with me when I went to
France, I waited for her to write, but

she never did.

I just thought it was our way of saying
it was over.

Maybe she got the address wrong or
something. I don't know.

Yeah. Were you going to be her dad?

If that wasn't the only French letter
that went missing.

Talking of which, it was a bit careless
of you, wasn't it? Getting Kimberley

pregnant. I mean, it's simple enough
these days. There's no excuse.

No, there isn't.

So how come you're up the duff?

That's different.

How?

Spur of the moment.

It was off the cuff.

Off the cuff?

I was caught on the op.

Oh, very acrobatic.

We didn't know it was coming.

I will give you a bloody thick here in a
minute.

Ring her up, Garth. Talk to her.

Baby, I don't know.

If I talk to her, I want to see her.

If I see her, I'll probably feel the way
I used to feel.

And if I feel the way I used to feel,
I'll probably want to go on seeing her.

If I go on seeing her, I'll have to
marry her.

If I marry her, I'll be a family man.

Ten minutes ago, I wasn't even going
steady.

Looking for this?

Let me have that. What a prayer.

Witch bitch.

I'll do a deal.

Deal?

A teenage style victim with a face full
of scrap metal offered me a deal. Forget

it. Walk out of my father's life.

Tell him you've decided to take up a
career as a gargoyle.

Or else he hears this tape.

You don't love him.

Oh, an expert on love.

Straight from the problem pages of Miz.

I don't want Richard hurt. You obviously
do. Otherwise, you wouldn't let him

hear that tape.

Okay, Morgan.

I'd do anything for Richard.

You see, whatever you think of me,
Morgan, I do love your father.

If my going away protects him, then
fine. I go away.

Promise? Promise.

How do I know you'll keep it?

Because there are some things that are
sacred, Morgan.

True love.

First kiss.

A promise made from the heart.

There

are

many lessons to learn in life, Morgan.

And here's one for you.

Try to shaft Dorian Green.

Tell Richard I'll call him later.

Dorian. Richard. Oh, I was just passing.
I thought I'd pop in and see if you

were back.

Morgan was just trying to blackmail me
into never seeing you again. Patsy

Dimmons. Don't listen to her, Dad.

She doesn't care about you.

You're just the last drink in the last
bottle in the last trance saloon.

Poison. Every time you open your mouth,
there's another hole in the ozone layer.

Dorian, please.

I come home after a couple of days and
suddenly I'm in the middle of a war.

I can't live like this. No, you're
right.

Neither can I. They've done this. Your
children.

They hate me.

And they're forcing you to choose
whether you like it or not. Whether I

or not.

So that's what you better do.

Choose.

They're my children, Dorian.

My children.

Deanna, where's Dorian?

She's the one who wants her fired. She
should be here to do her own dirty work.

She's right.

We can't have workers going round, not
flushing and getting on clients' tits.

It's got to be one or the other.

Well, you'll have to do it if Dorian
ain't here.

I'm not afraid to shoulder executive
responsibility.

Do it nicely.

I shall be tactful and sympathetic.

Dawn said she wanted to see me about
something.

Yeah, that's right.

The thing is, don't take this wrong,
Tina, but... What?

You're fired.

Why aren't you sympathetic?

Terrific. That's all we need.

Suicidal skidding.

Tina, you prat. I thought you'd... Don't
move. You'll break every bone in your

body.

That's totally brilliant.

Do you ever think of keeping lemons?

Look, Tina.

Think of all the wonderful things there
are in life.

Yeah, like what?

The smell of new -mown hay.

The Don Corus. A carpet of wild fowl.
She lived in Mile End, Sharon.

Those won't jump.

We've got nothing to live for.

We've all got problems.

You think yours are worse than anybody
else's? Well, you're probably right.

They are. Good reason to jump.

Off you go.

Look,

Tina. Come in there, yeah?

I don't know what to do.

I love him.

If Ron finds out, he'll kill us both.

Well, good enough reason to save him the
trouble. Go for it.

Push off.

Dorian, didn't you hear her? She's
desperate.

Listen, you bitch.

What do you know, eh?

What do you know about being so much in
love with someone that it hurts? And you

lie awake night after night and you
can't stop crying. And you know you've

to give him up.

What do you bloody know?

What's his name?

James. Not Jim.

James. He's got GCSEs and a part -time
job at Tesco's.

He was packing at the checkout.

And you like the way he handled your
dairy product?

I've never had no -one else before.

I mean, not in four years of marriage.

Really?

I know, because you pass the time.

Now James wants me to tell Ron about us
next time I visit.

I'd think twice about that if I was you.

Very dangerous, Tina.

Men can be very funny when it comes to
sexual infidelity.

You have to learn to keep a secret or
two.

Or in your case, 200.

On the other hand, if it is love, maybe
it would be best to tell your husband.

You know, get things out in the open.

Tell her, Ron, she's getting battered on
the wrong side.

I don't think so, Dore. There was a
fight in the nick last month.

Question of who got the burnt bits in
the roasty tray.

Her, Ron, bit the other bloke's nose
off.

Oh, my God.

Did they say it back?

No, Ron, it... Have your fling.

It's all part of prisoner's wife
syndrome.

Husband's inside, wife has normal
womanly desires, finds comfort in the

another. But it ain't a fling.

And I think Ron already suspects.

He phoned from the nick and James
answered without thinking.

He said he was the milkman with his bill
and that I'd gone and got me purse.

Did Ron believe him?

I don't think so.

I mean, it was nine o 'clock at night.

Look, it'll all blow over.

Ron's got another eight years inside.
You've got plenty of time to decide what

to do.

Not all that much time.

I'm expecting... Oh, it's an epidemic.

It's serial...

There's no reason for her to tell her
Ron the truth.

How many chances do you get in life to
be happy?

Yeah, you're right.

Perhaps me and James could run off.

Argentina or Canvey Island or somewhere.

I'd have to save up, though.

Don't worry, Tina. You've still got your
job with Maids of Ongo.

Hang about.

That is an executive decision.

There are three executives present.

I'd like to see a show of hands, please.

Carried. All right.

Listen.

How do you feel about it?

Scared. A bit confused, really.

Scared and a bit confused and sort of
excited?

Yeah.

And constipated.

Yeah? Had the opposite effect on me.

It's great to see you. It's great to see
you.

I missed you.

I missed you too.

I thought about you all the time.

I thought about you.

Are you going to copy everything I say?

Yep.

I love you.

I love you, Kimberly.

I was so miserable.

Me too.

I wanted to see you.

Me too.

I wanted to speak to you.

Me too.

I wanted to.

Oh God, me too.

Ages, yeah. Very long time. Hours.

I think we're engaged.

It's a family tradition.

First the baby, then the stag night,
then the wedding.

Knock up, piss up and knees up.

Oh, it's brilliant.

Thanks for letting me stay, Dorian.

I didn't fancy going home.

What with James being away on his
proactive chilled meats course.

I don't like being alone.

Living alone, I mean. Do you?

Oh, I prefer it.

I just want to be with James.

I really love him, you know?

I just want to be with him and be
normal.

Have kids.

Be a family.

Normal.

You never really wanted that, did you?

Never.

I mean, you ain't got anyone in your
life, have you?

Like I've got James?

Yep.

No. No.

Nothing to tie you down.

That's your style.

You've got a nice flat, nice clothes,
nice blokes and loads of them.

It's a great life.

But it wouldn't do for me.

I mean, you've got to be tough, ain't
you?

I'm no good at that.

I mean, I'm not tough like you.

Night -night, Dorian.

Nineteen. And clench, and clench, and
clench, and clench, clench, clench,

clench, clench, clench, clench, clench,
and clench, and clench, and clench, and

clench.

I know what they're doing.

What are you doing?

Well, so dare you, I shall.

New father, new man. I'm flexing my
pelvic floor.

Do men have a pelvic floor, as such?

Well, it's definitely flexing something.

You'll make a good dad, my Garfie. Yeah,
not like Daryl.

Garf's first birthday was robbing an
eight till eight.

Second birthday, wages snatched. Third
birthday, sub post got it. Yeah, well,

had a family to look after.

Still, he was there at the birthday.

Only because he thought the delivery
room at Whips Cross was the last place

old Bill would look for him.

First time a father's ever attended the
birth wearing a ski mask.

When Garfield was born, the midwife gave
him to Daryl too old, you know, to bond

with. Afterwards, Daryl wiped him down
to get rid of the fingerprints.

Hey, old mum, I just thought of
something. You're going to be a grandma,

you?

Granny Stubbs!

I never thought of that.

Trace, you'll have to wear baggy
knickers and go to bingo of a tune.

All right, all right, shut it.

And nans have got a certain sort of
smell, haven't they? It's like a cross

between old bin bags and sterodent.

Ha, ha, very funny. Now shut it.

You'll have to wear support stockings
and watch Kilroy and you'll find you've

wet yourself in Tesco.

Ranny Stubbs.

I hadn't thought of that.

I'll be someone's nan.

I'll have a grandchild.

You're not old enough to be a grandma.

I'm not nearly old enough. Much too
young. Yeah, definitely too young. I

we could be sisters, couldn't we?

Almost.

It was only a joke, Trace.

Well, except for that bit about wetting
yourself in Tesco.

Granny Stubbs.

What was it like in the olden days, Nan?

Did they have Big Macs when you were
young, Nan?

Was Robin Hood alive with you, Nan?

I hadn't thought of that.

Old Granny Stubbs.