Original subtitles

What I do.

Come on.

Reset.

Didn't take that, did I?

Hello? Dennis Waterman's gone into one.

How long have we stuck with that stupid thing?

Friday said.

That one will be repaired and he'll take this thing back.

It's a joke. Don't do anything you tell it.

Yeah? They makes two of you.

I put those tapes away, I said.

And why do you keep leaving those cushions over here?

And you know what else is winding me up?

Yes.

Everything. Things being put away, things not being put away.

The way I live, in fact.

It's me hormones, isn't it? I'm in ferment.

I'm suffering from mood swings.

No, it's me that's suffering from them.

You're on me back, in me face, up me... All right, all right.

It's just that the more I tidy up, the messier it gets.

Yes? Yes.

You're obviously not doing it right.

You need a bigger brush.

It's a joke.

Very funny.

I mean, here's me, six months gone and... Oh, thank you.

This is a wind -up, isn't it? It's got to be a wind -up.

You've got to chill out, Trace. I mean... What?

and the kitchen's left open. That's what.

But it weren't me.

It weren't me.

So who was it?

A burglar? I don't think so.

My best cutlery set's still there. And your priceless collection of carrier

is still intact.

You've got to calm down, Trace.

You've got three months to go. You're going to drive yourself loopy.

Sometimes I am clean and tidy.

I can go down the garden for a fag.

I know. Have you seen the state of that lawn?

There's fag ash all

up the glass.

I'm off. Okay.

I'll shut the drawers, shall I?

She hasn't.

She has.

Oh, very funny.

I bet she's up there in a right old giggle.

looking for anyway?

Nothing.

Why are all the drawers open?

Don't take the mix, Sharon. It's two o 'clock in the morning now. Just close

them. All right, I'll close them.

Don't blame me for this.

I'll be nothing big.

Wait to come down and have a fag.

Probably you.

Eh?

Well, you said you're all known to play in havoc.

They've affected your memory.

You obviously forgot to close them.

No, I didn't. How would you know if you'd forgotten?

to be you. Who else is that careless with drawers?

And no Dorian jokes with me. I'm not in the mood.

Well, it's only us two that live here, isn't it?

I'm beginning to wonder.

Eh?

Well, if you didn't do it and I didn't do it, who did?

Someone did.

Or something.

Maybe we've got a poltergeist.

Here.

Don't. Shut up, Chase.

I'll tell you something else, Chow. That living room is beginning to give me the

creeps. I mean, when you go in there, don't you feel that horrible cold chill?

No, I don't.

And if there is a cold chill, I'll get the central heating sorted.

It's your hormones, Trace. They're wicked.

They've even got me hiding down the garden.

You don't understand, Sharon. When you're pregnant, you're very sensitive.

No, you're very touchy. That's different.

Stop all this spooky stuff.

We go in. I am going down a garden for a fake.

Oh, don't go, shall.

Don't leave me on my own.

That's the good thing about being pregnant, isn't it?

What? You're never on your own.

Thought I'd knock first. Didn't want to scare you.

Why don't you just put a white sheet over your head and go, ooh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I came as soon as I could.

I phoned you four hours ago.

You said you were just putting your make -up on. It couldn't possibly take four

hours.

Just get the dustpan and brush.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Grow up, Sharon.

one of life's naff dramas. Don't mock, Sharon.

A good poltergeist could put you on the map.

Spooky is very fashionable.

There'll be camera crews here, Michael Aspel investigating, articles in psychic

news books.

Written by whom?

Ghostwriters?

Ignore her, Dawn.

She don't take this seriously.

You believe me, don't you? Of course.

This place has always given me the creeps. I used to think it was your

soft furnishings.

Do you know, on a sensitive day, your curtains can make my flesh crawl.

We've had drawers opening on their own. We've had things being moved.

We've had bumps in the night.

Hang about.

Only you heard the bumps.

Bumps is not confirmed.

And this horrible cold chill in the living room.

That often indicates a paranormal presence. Oh.

Yeah.

Or a faulty radiator.

Tracy is pregnant.

This is a very intuitive time. She has a life in her. She is joined to the life

force by umbilical cords we don't even understand.

Oh, I can't stay here tonight, dog. Please let me come back to your house.

I'll get me coat.

Direct your will.

Psychic weaponry.

The Occult Companion.

How come you've got books like this?

It was an attempt to deal with Richard's children.

Yeah? What was you trying to change them into?

People.

Doomed to failure, of course.

Occult self -defense.

I should read this one.

Well, it won't hurt. After all, that thing could have been sent.

Sent?

Well, yeah.

There are so many dabblers about.

Spiritualists.

Satanists. You know.

The Order of the Black Anorak? They're everywhere. You'd never know them. It

could be a witch you offended in the co -op.

Someone cursed me reward card, you mean.

Come on, Dore.

What is a ghost?

Well, it depends on what you believe.

Some say it's a spirit who can't find its place in the order of things. A

who was on the long journey home and... Well... Got off at the wrong stop?

You see, the point about all this misplaced spirit stuff, it relies on you

believing there is some sort of afterlife.

Well, I do.

Sort of.

Well, a sort of afterlife.

Sort of.

And God?

Sort of.

Have you ever thought of becoming a missionary?

Aye.

Nothing.

See, personally, I have to be sceptical about ghosts.

Jews do not believe there is an afterlife.

When you're dead, you're dead until the trumpet sounds.

Well, if you don't believe in ghosts, what's that we've got over there, then?

didn't say I didn't believe in them. I said we are not supposed to. Now, have

you any idea how exciting that makes them?

I do think Sharon's brave over there on her own.

Sharon ain't brave.

She's just totally insensitive.

She wouldn't even have her knickers were haunted.

I used to be good at this.

It's amazing how you lose it when you get older.

Let's see if we've recorded Absolutely Fabulous.

Terry and June.

They managed to get June Whitfield. That's Summit, I suppose.

people it's recorded them all when did it do that when i was alive you silly

that's weird that thing's stuck in a time warp oh

you need a beer girl

Hiding out there all night, tapping and scraping.

Oh, that's a bit much, isn't it?

Have you gone a bit too far, Trace?

Trace?

Well,

you know where the spare room is. You slip off whenever you like.

I'm all relaxed here.

Nightmare on Elm Street is on later.

No way.

I'm looking forward to a good night's kick.

Hello.

Oh, Sharon.

What's happening?

What?

What?

What?

All right. All right, Sharon. We're coming. We're coming.

What? I'll tell you on the way.

Come on.

the two of you. This is sheer hysteria.

So what?

That's normal.

We're homies.

We don't know that.

We do.

You've changed your tune. No, I haven't. I'm just trying to be rational. You

can't just simply abandon your house. You can't just run away from it. You

to... Nope.

Calm down, the pair of you.

Nothing will happen to you.

Oh, that's easy for you to say. You don't believe in them.

No, I said I was ambivalent. You said you was Jewish.

about this. We need to work it out rationally. Come on, let's go and sit

Not in there, Dor. Oh, please, let's stay here, Dor.

All right, we'll stay in here.

Or go into the living room.

Whatever.

See, Dor?

Things get tossed about all over the place.

Poltergeists do that. So does Sharon.

Actually, that was me, Tracey.

And how many fags you had in here?

Just a couple.

Oh, great.

Now we've got a ghost that chain -smokes.

Ghosts?

Poltergeists? We don't. No, it's a presence.

Might not be human, even.

You mean we could be haunted by a cocker spaniel?

OK. So there are cold patches, tappings, bumps.

But if the worst it does is leave drawers... open that's hardly a threat

just saying that so we don't move in with you it's happening again

yourself together, Tracy. It's a mind thing, isn't it?

You're saying this is all in our minds?

Okay.

Own up.

Whose mind was that in?

Look, um, whatever this thing is, we have to communicate with it.

Remember Lily from the estate in Edmonton?

She was a medium. She used to communicate with the dead.

It's because no one else would speak to her.

Remember when she got in touch with Winston Churchill?

He told her the result of the cup final.

Oh, yeah, that's right. And we all had money on it. Yeah, that's right. And we

all lost a fortune.

Well, yeah, she was crap, weren't she?

But remember how she did it, Trace?

She did it with a Ouija board.

We know how to do that.

Here's a glass.

It's okay, Dore. We'll manage with that.

Are we ready, then?

Should we be doing this?

I mean, ain't it against our religion?

Didn't know we had one.

It was against hers.

Well, if you think I'm missing out on this, forget it.

Come on, then. Let's go.

You say, Sam McDaw. Why me?

Because you're the oldest.

Thank you.

Dear spirit, we would like to communicate.

Well, when I say we, I mean these two. I'm not sure where I stand on this.

Get off the fence, will you?

Excuse us.

We don't want to bother you.

Yes, we do.

Shut up, will you?

It's moving.

Well, it would. She's shoving it. I'm not.

The first letter is S.

Stan.

Sylvia. Sheila.

Stella. Sean.

Oh, for God's sake.

The first letter is S.

S.

Here we go.

M.

M.

Yes, Tracy, M. You don't have to repeat it every time.

We're on the move.

Why? Why?

Don't keep repeating it every time.

I didn't. You did. You said why.

I didn't. I said why.

Why, why?

It doesn't make sense.

Well, it hasn't finished yet, has it?

Now, come on.

Right. We've got S -M -Y.

Terrific. Trust you two to have a dyslexic ghost.

It's just about your mark, isn't it? A ghost with learning difficulties.

I don't believe I am hearing this. This is serious madness.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Sharon. Go on talking to your lamp.

I take no notice of her, Smim. It's because she don't believe in you, Smim.

Yes, I do.

No, she don't. She told us.

Me and Tracy believe in you, Smim.

So, if you have got any malicious intent, you bear that in mind. That's

It's her you want. Just a minute.

Are you there, Smim?

Knock twice.

That's for yes and once for no.

One bump.

That means he ain't here.

Well, are you sure Smim is telling you the truth?

Are you calling Smim a liar?

Oh, Sharon, I wouldn't dream of insulting your friends.

Look, this is ridiculous.

Why are we...

We got rid of it, didn't we?

We need an exorcist.

How can you think about videos at a time like this?

A sit door.

An exorcist.

Get a rabbi door. They do exorcisms. No, Sharon, they do circumcision.

Yellow pages, Sharon. Get the yellow pages. Yellow pages. Yellow pages.

There's bound to be one on Corway door. Bound to be, Tracy.

London's full of 24 -hour exorcists. Yeah?

Yeah. They hang out with the mobile brain surgeons, the all -night snake

charmers.

Are you sure?

Found anything, Cheryl?

No, they don't do exorcists, Troy.

Oh, surprise, surprise.

Are you sure?

They go from exercise machines to exhausts and shock absorbers.

Mind you, a shock absorber won't go amiss, will it?

A priest.

That's what we need.

One with mad, starry eyes like Peter Cushing.

Why? Ones won't do it, will they?

Where are you going to find a piece this time of night?

Well, you've managed before now.

Look, if we can't find one, we'll just do it ourselves.

What, a DIY exorcism?

It's not like emulsioning a hallway or putting up shelves. You can't get a kit

from do -it -all.

I know that.

But you've got the books, haven't you? So?

So?

It's down to you, Dore, isn't it?

Right.

He says, first I have to purify my aura.

It could be here for a while, then.

Then I have to mark out my workspace, a magic circle.

What's that?

A sword.

You have to imagine a sword that ignites a circle of fire.

You mind my carpet?

No, Tracy, this is purely a mental configuration.

I? Oh, sit down, Tracy. Have a baby.

I've got you a saltwater door.

I don't want Philly to see it.

He might know what we're doing.

Why? We don't.

Do you mind? This is my first exorcism.

I mean, there are different kinds of exorcisms. I told you the choices.

Well, we didn't fancy the onion and garlic one.

And there wasn't a smoky bacon one.

So, you chose the full ceremonial.

Why don't we get a blazing cross?

That'd look really good.

Oh, yes, if you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

There was a ghost chair and there were many white sheets.

Circles. Now, I have to do a Kabbalistic trot. Ah, it is kosher.

You're all right.

I can give you a full Jewish exorcism.

What's that mean?

Well, it means I get rid of your ghosts and I give you an invoice instead.

Now, if you would excuse me, I have to consecrate my magic circle.

So?

So, I need a little privacy. I have to talk to four angels.

I have to protect my circle, don't I?

So, please.

I will call you when I am ready to invoke.

Oh.

Do you think she knows what she's doing in there, Cheryl?

Of course not.

She's getting to have a book.

Let's just hope it's the right book.

I never thought things would get this weird.

Nearly as weird as the video machine.

Aye?

It records things that ain't even on the telly.

Just a minute.

When did that machine come in here?

Monday.

When did you first get the creeps?

Monday.

Don't.

He's got into one.

The wicked witch of... Yes, thank you.

All I asked was an aspirin.

Why? One out of bats ears?

Is that any joking?

Glad to have our own machine back, eh, Trace?

What did the man at the shop say about, you know?

He was relieved.

He knew it was haunted. He's had it for years.

He just lends it out now and again to give himself a break from the tapping

the bumping.

Just glad it's out of here.

Used to belong to a little old lady called Elsie.

Oh.

Not to smim, then.

Elsie.

You told me all about it.

She was harmless.

Just a poor old soul who'd had a terrible life.

Well, I don't want to hear about it, shall we? It gives me the creeps, all

right. I felt really sorry for her.

You would too if you'd heard it.

That machine was her only pleasure in life.

Yeah, well, good riddance to both of them.

Get some milk, shall we? And some aspirin.

What do you mean, Tracy?

She's just a sad, wandering spirit in search of a new home.

Wait,

Elsie. How many times do I have to tell you?

Leave the drawers alone or she'll never notice.