All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s08e06 Money

Sam, what'll I do when I'm

alone with only dreams of you

that won't come true?

What'll I do?

Barf. Little Garf, little Barf.

I used to bath... I used to bath Garth
in his bath.

He told me when he was a student he used
to set light to them.

I never thought I'd be getting all these
things out again.

So what did you save them for then?

My grandchildren, of course. Not the
little bum -bun here.

I wasn't planning to get myself
pregnant.

You weren't planning full stop.

There's the post.

heart of the gillet of a new baby.

I mean, is it a bad gap, 22 years?

It's not a bad gap for your pelvic
floor.

Right, I've ironed everything that's
square and flat. You can do Garfield's

shirt.

I know an auntie shouldn't say this, but
that boy treats this place like a

hotel. He thinks it's like Nick in
Towels.

That nice one with the Palace Hotel
South End on it, that's done a rumour.

Oh my God.

What? It's the insurance.

The car insurance?

I paid it, Trace. I mean, I've post
-dated the cheque and I never signed it,

I have paid it.

It's arrived.

They've paid out.

Garth's endowment policy.

£5 ,164 .23p.

See, Stubbs, it's payable to you.

Look, we started it when he was born.
Put in a little bit every month.

The lucky little bugger.

All he's done is get...

I suppose he'll give us the 23p to
celebrate.

Is that a stage in his life, Sharon,
where he needs money?

We're all at that stage, Trace.

We need a holiday, you and me.

Oh, what about little Bun Bun? I mean,
he needs money. It's not even born yet.

That baby will be using a second -hand
pram, second -hand cot, second -hand

nappies. You might as well call it Rose.

What are you saying?

This is Garth's money.

It's yours.

money trade.

Girls don't even know about it, do they?

What are you saying? Keep it.

Look at it this way.

Congratulate me.

He's asked me out to dinner.

He wants me to meet his children.

Who has?

If it's Dr. Barnardo's, you'll be
shaking hands forever.

Richard has invited me to meet his
children.

Aha. He wants a stepmother for them.

I think I'd make a very good stepmother.

I know the sound of music backwards.

Richard and I had a coffee this morning
at the Café Rouge.

We shared a bonquette.

What's that? A little bonk?

The working class is who bonk, Sharon.

Richard and I do not bonk, as you put
it.

Richard is wooing me, and I am being
wooed.

Dorian, you're always being wooed.

You mean he ain't done nothing for you
yet? Mr No Action Man, is he? He will.

will. As I poured the coffee, our thighs
touched.

There was a crackle.

That's them nylon knickers you wear.

Actually, Sharon, I wasn't wearing any.

All undressed and nowhere to go.

I just think he's being cautious. He's
obviously had some bad experiences with

the wrong sort of woman. His ex -wife,
probably.

I wonder why she left him.

He wanted to do some asking around, find
out what's wrong with him.

Spying, you mean? You think I would spy
on the man I love?

What are you doing here? It's four o
'clock. You're supposed to be walking

Durberville's poodle.

They don't know it's four o 'clock.

They're animals.

Are you fully committed to our business
enterprise, Sharon?

Fully committed?

I work seven days a week for maids of
hunger.

Cleaning, watering plants.

If it moves, I'll walk it. If I don't,
I'll sod and iron it.

Yes, I am committed.

But I need a holiday.

We all need a holiday, Sharon.

Now get round and walk those dogs before
they start eating the furniture.

Do you want to borrow some knickers?

They need ironing.

And so does she.

You've gone quiet, Trace.

Thinking about the money.

I mean, you're right. We do need
knowledge of you and me.

I mean, we won't get the chance when the
baby comes.

And it ain't on, is it, all this second
-hand stuff?

And it is my money.

Well, strictly speaking, it's Garth's
now.

Oh, you've changed your tune. A minute
ago, it was mine.

I mean, he doesn't really need it, does
he? He's got a job.

You've persuaded me.

I'll kick the dogs down to the travel
agent, get some brochures. They'll like

that.

Walking!

It's a bit of a disappointment, Mum.

Oh, I'm sorry, Garth. I would help out
if I could, but I'm skint.

It's just that I probably won't get
another chance to buy into the

and go three rungs up the chef's ladder
just like that.

And then there's the baby.

Yeah. Well, you look after yourself.

I can borrow the money somewhere.

One of these days I'll be writing you a
cheque.

Cheque? Oh, my God.

You've been getting out on me old
things.

This is my potty.

Yeah.

Your little bottom used to fit on that.

Then you do little poo -poos in it.

And then you stick it on your head.

Trace, I've got the bro... Oh, look at
that.

That used to be the Durberville's
doormat.

Still, save some dog food.

All right, Garth. All right, Sal.

Yeah, guess what?

Mr. Ramoulian's offered me the chance to
buy into the restaurant.

You haven't got any money you can lend
me, have you? It's just that Mum's

Oh, is she?

I've got even less than that.

Has she gone away? No.

No, I've just gotten to have a look at
the pictures. Cheers me up.

You know, when I look at you two, I
think, well, you're getting old now and

you've still got nothing much.

Your husbands didn't look after you two
very well, did they?

Well, I'll be able to one of these days,
out of gratitude.

Don't talk like that, Garth. Oh, I
nearly forgot.

Here's a voucher for Mr. Mamoulian.

The bearer gets two free meals. It's for
you two.

I love you. So long.

So what about our beef for then?

Here comes the furry stepmother.

If she offers you an apple, say no.

Yes.

Yes.

No. Bad news then, Doris? The best. The
very best. I gave Richard one of our

business cards and he wants us to clean
the house.

So? So.

I've never seen inside.

So you're going to put on an overall and
nip over there for a nose about?

No, you are.

In the van.

So, we wouldn't really be cleaners.

We'd be spies.

Well, of course you'd be spies. Now, we
want it done by 5 .30. So, let's get on

with the briefing.

I'm not doing it. I'm not Miss Marple.

Anyway, I'm knackered. I want to put my
feet up. Well, let Sharon do the

cleaning and you just fill in the
questionnaire. Only 37 questions.

Why have I got to do the cleaning?

Might be a bleeding great mansion. Shut
up, Sharon.

Now, first, photographs of his wife.

A, are there any photographs?

B, are they in silver frames? And C, are
they face down in drawers?

I don't need the drawers.

Well, just open them a little way. Mice
of hunger is a confidential service. It

will be confidential. I won't tell a
soul.

Now, secondly, colour of the bedroom.
What colour are the sheets?

Does he use a double bed?

How many pillows are there?

And does he wear pyjamas?

I've got my pyjamas.

Right, there's the key. I've had a copy
made, and that's the address.

But why has it got to be our store?

Because you are our best scrubbers.

Question 38.

Bathroom cabinet. Any sign of dental
fixative?

Oh, he's got his own teeth, hasn't he?

I don't know. I haven't kissed him like
that.

Have you kissed at all?

Of course.

Just haven't been able to explore.

How could she spend the night with a
bloke who's got to take his teeth out of

passion?

Be like Snug in an oozer.

Question 19.

The master toilet.

Was the lab seat up or down?

I never looked. I was in a hurry.

What shall I put?

Whatever. I'll put halfway up.

Put halfway down. It sounds better.

I forgot.

Question 39.

Sleeping tablets.

Are there any?

Oh, no.

Colours are too pale.

And the money is a print.

And the carpet.

Oh, yuck.

This will be her taste.

Oh, I can smell jostics.

One of the children will be going off
the rails.

If it's the girl, she'll be pregnant.

I'll be just in time.

I'll have to give her counselling.

Oh, it's the fairy godmother now.

And that chair. It's wrong. It should be
there.

You see, I would put... You can't stop
moving the furniture.

Not yet, Tracy.

You've heard of Feng Shui.

Number 99.

You see, the troubled evil spirits come
from there. Enter the troubled spirit

now. Up. What?

It's Richard, isn't it? Get up.

Oh, my God.

He mustn't see me. I mustn't be here.
Up.

This will be worse than Elizabeth Bennet
being found by Mr. Darcy.

He had nice trousers, that Darcy. Get
up. She'll think I'm spying.

You are spying.

Don't split hairs.

I mustn't be here.

Will you get up?

Oh. Mr.

Darcy.

Mr.

Summers.

We meet again.

We did meet, didn't we?

Sharon and Tracey. That's right.

Tell me, your friend Dorian, well, my
friend Dorian, certain people have said,

mean, they're only rumours, that she's,
well,

she's quite social, isn't she?

She's been around.

Oh, shall.

She hasn't been around.

She's been about.

That's what you mean.

That's right.

She's been about.

She hasn't been around at all.

Well, that's good news.

Isn't that Dorian's car on the road?

No.

No, she sold that one.

She's got a little runaround now.

You mean a runabout, shall we?

Well, I'll leave you two to finish.

You need some more furniture polish.

OK. And while I'm at it, shall I get you
some dental fixative?

What for?

Never mind.

No to number 38.

I've just come from the house next door.

God, what's your name? No, don't tell
me. It doesn't matter. Who cares?

led you on. All that is over. Do you
understand? Of course you do. Goodbye.

Can I get out this way?

I'll follow your hosepipe.

Wonderful news!

Not now, it's all unbusy. Listen, poor
Richard.

Poor, poor Richard.

I've just found out what happened to his
wife. She ran off with the au pair.

Finnish au pair girl.

Wonderful, because now Richard will be
looking for someone 100 % hetero.

I think it can safely be said that I
like men.

It is said, Dore, in every phone box in
Chigwell.

I've just got two Achilles' heels.

His children.

It's tonight I'm meeting them.

I don't know a lot about children. I
haven't had any yet.

Better get a move on, then.

Mum, start the suit.

Oh, Garfield. You look lovely.

All right, Dorian?

Very smart.

And I got the share in a restaurant.

I was borrowing the money, so I got a
bit more while I was at it. Oh, thank

The bank said yes.

Bank? Pay interest? Me?

Never.

Credit cards, Mum.

Plastic. I got myself seven credit
cards. Each one's got a thousand limit.

Seven thousand, no sweat.

Credit cards.

You've still got to pay interest on that
lot more than a bank overdraft.

Nearly two percent a month. That's what,
two thousand a year?

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Dorian's right.

Well, how do you know about money?

I didn't think I'd ever have to say
this. I'm Jewish.

Look, credit cards are the worst
possible way.

It's our mum.

And I have to pay how much?

£2 ,000 a year, every year.

I'll never do it. I can't do it.

I've totally screwed up. I'm going to
have to go and see Mr Mimodian. No, no,

stop. We'll go and pay it back tomorrow.

Look. I should have told you. But you
got £5 ,000 from an insurance policy. It

came the other day.

What insurance policy?

Your endowment one.

I thought Dad nicked that.

No, I am honest with you.

But that's fantastic.

Why didn't you tell me about the money
when I asked?

Look, this isn't anything to do with me.
I'm going to go and get a book about

children from the library.

Hang on.

I want you to hear this.

Why didn't my mother tell me the truth
and stop me going to make a fool of

myself with those cards?

This dude's Armani.

I'm sorry, Garth. I wasn't going to give
you the money. I needed it for the

baby.

Baby?

Oh, it all comes back to the baby.
Hurrah for the baby.

On your bike, Garthy, and shut the door
on your way out. I'd better go and find

my library ticket.

No, wait for this story.

Don't you know a lot about kids and how
they're jealous?

Well, listen to this.

22 years age difference and he's still
jealous.

It's not jealousy, it's poverty.

You'd give that baby all my money. Why
doesn't her father help out?

Come to that. Who is her father? Look, I
really do think... You see, I've got an

overdue book.

How bloody dare you?

I know exactly who her father is.

I'm just not entirely sure, that's all.

And anyway, that's my business.

It's my business when your free -range
baby's taking my money.

Free -range?

Is this my own son calling me a tart?

Look, the library will close.

Well, Mum, we know what you've done, and
you're ready to take 5 ,000 for doing

it. so you decide if you're a tart or
not.

You can bloody well whistle for your
money if that's how you speak to your

mother. Oh, how can I be sure you're my
mother?

Did you hear that, Dorian? Did you hear
that?

Nothing. Not a thing.

Especially the bit about... Did you hear
what my son said to me?

Oh, you've been spared not having kids,
I tell you.

Richard's children won't call me names,
will they?

Get off.

Give you a clue.

I'm leaning on it.

What?

A camper van.

Twin berth. Cooker. Fridge.

Tool keys. Surf end. Here we come.

We've got wheels, Trace.

Sorry?

I had to give him a post -dated cheque,
so you owe me 800.

It's only 800, Trace.

the kitchen, chef -ing. Shouldn't be
here after what he called me.

Two free meals in a place like this with
lovely linen serviettes. I wasn't going

to give that up.

Look at that bloke over there.

He's got his serviette tapped in his
collar.

It's a good sign.

It means he's a gourmet.

I've never called me names like that
before.

Look, if you're going to be in a mood
all night, I'll eat your bread today.

Thanks for our ladies.

Hello, garçon.

My name's Greg. I'm your waiter for the
evening.

If you're French, I'm a monkey's uncle.

You'd be a monkey's auntie, wouldn't
you?

That's not the way she's going on. I
probably will be.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, it's come to life.

I thought it was going to have a
candlelit meal for one.

Would you like to see the wine list?

Let's go mad.

Two wine lists.

No worries.

Right then, Trace.

Australia's a bit like ethics, only with
sunshine, really.

I wish one day we could just go
somewhere where Dorian couldn't walk in.

That badge, you're exaggerating.

Oh, no, you're not. Thank God you two
are here. What do you think?

What about?

Life, death?

The skirt.

Where is it?

Here. Well, Richard's children think
it's too short.

You mean you're all coming here tonight?

Is it too short?

Dorian. The most old -fashioned
puritanical people in the world are

You couldn't wear a skirt long enough
for them.

Exactly. So I didn't.

Scary, isn't it?

I'll find a mirror.

Richard likes a fresh, unmade -up look.
Takes me hours.

Two free meals and a grandstand seat to
one of the most important nights of

Dorian's life.

I love it.

Here you go.

Now, have you come to any conclusions
yet?

They close at 12, Trace.

Let me tell you a bit about tonight's
special.

It's rack of lamb cooked in honey and
chives.

It's one of Garth's. He's bloody
marvellous, Garth. I recommend it, I

Do you hear that?

Of course he's bloody marvellous.

Two specials. Hang about, I haven't made
up my mind yet.

What are you going to have?

One of them, the specials. Any starters?

You kidding?

Venison pate with garlic bread.

Twice. I don't want one.

Who said anything about you?

Venison and garlic it is, then. No
worries.

Thank you.

They sat down with us.

They do that now, Trace.

It means he's as good as we are.

Here it comes. The target for tonight.

Richard and the kids.

They're hardly kids, Trace.

Teenagers. God help Dorian.

Stop staring.

Where's Dorian? Still decorating, I
suppose.

The girl's well in bed.

The boy's bald by the look of it.

Bald with a ring in his nose.

Sounds like an oven -ready door knocker.

Do you want white to start?

You decide.

Well, what do you think?

What do I look like?

You look like half pint of Guinness with
a load of froth on top.

Sharon, you are not being a lot of help.

I'm trying to look young and virginal.

Isn't that stir?

I'm not that virginal.

Keep your voice down until they're here.

Oh, my God.

They mustn't see me.

My mind has gone completely blank.

I think he means you to sit with them,
Dore.

Makes it easier to talk.

You won't have to shout.

I can't remember their names. I can
never remember children's names. But

written them down.

Sasha Morgan.

Sasha Morgan.

Sasha Morgan. Which one is the boy?

The boy is the bald one.

And the girl isn't.

Well, go on, then. Over you go. Best of
luck. Oh, honestly, I have never been so

nervous. Not since my very first date.

Why? That they're an air raid.

Come on.

Oh, that was lovely.

You should be proud of your boy, Trace.
I am. I just wish he was proud of me.

When it says sauce, I expect sauce.

So bring me the sauce in a bottle.

What do you think, I'm pig ignorant or
what?

There's always one.

They should put the prices up in here.

Keep people like that out.

Probably not from this area, you see.

Probably from Thurrock, Sasha.

Wrong side of Thurrock. I'm Morgan.

Yes, Morgan.

I said Morgan.

You see...

of the knife part of Chigwell, Morgan,
as you will discover the longer you live

here, it's not really ethics, only
theoretically.

It's an enclave.

Or should I say, enclave.

Pardon?

Pardon.

Pardon.

French again.

Do you do French at school?

Morgan wants to be a hairdresser, don't
you, Morgan?

Oh!

I wanted to be a teacher.

I should have been a teacher, you know.
I love... children for a start.

All the children round here call me
Auntie.

They hold on to my skirts.

We run up into the hills.

Do you know the sound of music?

Morgan's more into drum and bass, loudly
every night.

Oh, good.

Oh, Sasha doesn't like his food.

I bet you like Cocoa Pops, though.

Yes, he does.

Yes, I saw them in the kitchen.

I dreamt I saw them in the kitchen.

What is he fiddling with down there?

Oh, come on, Sasha, you'll go blind.

What?

Oh, surely not.

It's a Game Boy.

Oh.

Are you going to go into computer
things?

I don't know. Oh, come on, Sasha, speak
to the lady.

No, it's all right. A shrug. Very
expressive.

Very continental.

Probably learnt it from the au pair.

Everything all right over here, girls?

My back teeth are awash, thank you.

Sharon.

He's Australian. He says what he thinks.
He knows what I mean.

Oi, waiter.

Just come here.

If he wants ketchup on his cream
caramel, I'm taking my holiday early.

Yes, sir.

Are you going to give your compliments
to the chef?

Garvey don't want to hear from me.

Listen. The steak was so overdone, it
was on bloody fire, and the warm rocket

salad stuff was bleeding warm.

As for the baby sweetcorn, they were
bloody minute.

I mean, where's the value in that?

Listen, mate, in a week's time, I'll be
lying on a Turkish beach, so I don't

give a stuff.

Well, it's not you that I wish to speak
to. It is the chef.

Send me the chef.

Chef! Chef! My mate Garthy is the best
bloody chef for miles around, and what

says on the menu is precisely what you
got.

Is everything all right?

Are you the chef?

I come to this expensive bloody
restaurant, there's a frigging schoolboy

the cooking. I could cook better myself.

Are you?

You've been effing and blinding all
night, ruining people's enjoyment.

As a matter of fact, Garth is a very
good cook.

No complaints from this table, barring
the noise.

Ours was delicious.

And do you know why?

Because we're not ignorant. We recognise
nice when it's put in front of us. We

know nice.

Look, it's all right, Mum. You don't
have to butt in. Yes, I do.

Yes, she does.

Stop that.

Is this your son?

Yes, he is, and I'm very proud of him.
Very fat face.

I'm not being insulted by some slag at
the next door.

Don't turn round.

It's me, Dorian. Remember, last year,
ladies' night at the Road of Corlears

Association?

Do you want me to tell your wife how you
try to get your nasty little end away?

One more word and she gets all the
details.

Walk and walk.

Shut up!

Um, very sorry, Mr Garth.

I've been drinking on top of my
medication, you see. I'm not a very well

I'll pay him at the door, shall I? Come
along, Valerie.

My crumble!

Bring it, bring it!

I wonder what Dorian said to him.

She probably told him a few of her
favourite things.

Look, I shouldn't have said what I said.

No, you're right. You shouldn't have.

But you ought to have the money.

No, Mum. It was you who saved the money.

Well, it's your money.

It's always had your name on it.

I thought this might happen.

Russell Grant said I was going to exotic
places.

Fat plonker.

Sasha and Morgan don't like restaurants
much. They don't like me very much.

Let me pay. No, no, no. Don't be dark.

I tried with them. I failed.

I came up with the wrong words.

You came up with the right words over
there. What did you say to that man?

I said... Oh, I told him I was a nun of
some sort and his language was offending

me. You're not a nun, are you?

Fail the Latin.

You're going to Turkey, Greg.

How are you getting there?

Oh, it depends, really.

How would you like to buy a camper van?

No. 850 on the road.

There's even a kangaroo on the front.

Oh, beauty.

I'd have to see it first, though.

Well, I could take you for a little test
drive when you're finished, if you

like.

Sounds good to me.

Can you keep your eyes off him for a
minute?

Here, Greg, you could black out the
windows and turn it into a passion

Is it the one with the 1600 or the 1800
engine?

1982, I think.

It's a lovely colour.

And there's a big double bed that flaps
down.

Can you come and sit now?

Righto.

Don't wait up for me, Cobber.

What will I do when you are gone?
Wanted. One home help.

Must support West Ham. More comedy with
Alf Garnett in Sickness and in Health on

BBC Two shortly.

What will I do?

When I'm alone with only dreams of you.