Original subtitles

Sam, what'll I do when I'm

alone with only dreams of you

that won't come true?

What'll I do?

Barf. Little Garf, little Barf.

I used to bath... I used to bath Garth in his bath.

He told me when he was a student he used to set light to them.

I never thought I'd be getting all these things out again.

So what did you save them for then?

My grandchildren, of course. Not the little bum -bun here.

I wasn't planning to get myself pregnant.

You weren't planning full stop.

There's the post.

heart of the gillet of a new baby.

I mean, is it a bad gap, 22 years?

It's not a bad gap for your pelvic floor.

Right, I've ironed everything that's square and flat. You can do Garfield's

shirt.

I know an auntie shouldn't say this, but that boy treats this place like a

hotel. He thinks it's like Nick in Towels.

That nice one with the Palace Hotel South End on it, that's done a rumour.

Oh my God.

What? It's the insurance.

The car insurance?

I paid it, Trace. I mean, I've post -dated the cheque and I never signed it,

I have paid it.

It's arrived.

They've paid out.

Garth's endowment policy.

£5 ,164 .23p.

See, Stubbs, it's payable to you.

Look, we started it when he was born. Put in a little bit every month.

The lucky little bugger.

All he's done is get...

I suppose he'll give us the 23p to celebrate.

Is that a stage in his life, Sharon, where he needs money?

We're all at that stage, Trace.

We need a holiday, you and me.

Oh, what about little Bun Bun? I mean, he needs money. It's not even born yet.

That baby will be using a second -hand pram, second -hand cot, second -hand

nappies. You might as well call it Rose.

What are you saying?

This is Garth's money.

It's yours.

money trade.

Girls don't even know about it, do they?

What are you saying? Keep it.

Look at it this way.

Congratulate me.

He's asked me out to dinner.

He wants me to meet his children.

Who has?

If it's Dr. Barnardo's, you'll be shaking hands forever.

Richard has invited me to meet his children.

Aha. He wants a stepmother for them.

I think I'd make a very good stepmother.

I know the sound of music backwards.

Richard and I had a coffee this morning at the Café Rouge.

We shared a bonquette.

What's that? A little bonk?

The working class is who bonk, Sharon.

Richard and I do not bonk, as you put it.

Richard is wooing me, and I am being wooed.

Dorian, you're always being wooed.

You mean he ain't done nothing for you yet? Mr No Action Man, is he? He will.

will. As I poured the coffee, our thighs touched.

There was a crackle.

That's them nylon knickers you wear.

Actually, Sharon, I wasn't wearing any.

All undressed and nowhere to go.

I just think he's being cautious. He's obviously had some bad experiences with

the wrong sort of woman. His ex -wife, probably.

I wonder why she left him.

He wanted to do some asking around, find out what's wrong with him.

Spying, you mean? You think I would spy on the man I love?

What are you doing here? It's four o 'clock. You're supposed to be walking

Durberville's poodle.

They don't know it's four o 'clock.

They're animals.

Are you fully committed to our business enterprise, Sharon?

Fully committed?

I work seven days a week for maids of hunger.

Cleaning, watering plants.

If it moves, I'll walk it. If I don't, I'll sod and iron it.

Yes, I am committed.

But I need a holiday.

We all need a holiday, Sharon.

Now get round and walk those dogs before they start eating the furniture.

Do you want to borrow some knickers?

They need ironing.

And so does she.

You've gone quiet, Trace.

Thinking about the money.

I mean, you're right. We do need knowledge of you and me.

I mean, we won't get the chance when the baby comes.

And it ain't on, is it, all this second -hand stuff?

And it is my money.

Well, strictly speaking, it's Garth's now.

Oh, you've changed your tune. A minute ago, it was mine.

I mean, he doesn't really need it, does he? He's got a job.

You've persuaded me.

I'll kick the dogs down to the travel agent, get some brochures. They'll like

that.

Walking!

It's a bit of a disappointment, Mum.

Oh, I'm sorry, Garth. I would help out if I could, but I'm skint.

It's just that I probably won't get another chance to buy into the

and go three rungs up the chef's ladder just like that.

And then there's the baby.

Yeah. Well, you look after yourself.

I can borrow the money somewhere.

One of these days I'll be writing you a cheque.

Cheque? Oh, my God.

You've been getting out on me old things.

This is my potty.

Yeah.

Your little bottom used to fit on that.

Then you do little poo -poos in it.

And then you stick it on your head.

Trace, I've got the bro... Oh, look at that.

That used to be the Durberville's doormat.

Still, save some dog food.

All right, Garth. All right, Sal.

Yeah, guess what?

Mr. Ramoulian's offered me the chance to buy into the restaurant.

You haven't got any money you can lend me, have you? It's just that Mum's

Oh, is she?

I've got even less than that.

Has she gone away? No.

No, I've just gotten to have a look at the pictures. Cheers me up.

You know, when I look at you two, I think, well, you're getting old now and

you've still got nothing much.

Your husbands didn't look after you two very well, did they?

Well, I'll be able to one of these days, out of gratitude.

Don't talk like that, Garth. Oh, I nearly forgot.

Here's a voucher for Mr. Mamoulian.

The bearer gets two free meals. It's for you two.

I love you. So long.

So what about our beef for then?

Here comes the furry stepmother.

If she offers you an apple, say no.

Yes.

Yes.

No. Bad news then, Doris? The best. The very best. I gave Richard one of our

business cards and he wants us to clean the house.

So? So.

I've never seen inside.

So you're going to put on an overall and nip over there for a nose about?

No, you are.

In the van.

So, we wouldn't really be cleaners.

We'd be spies.

Well, of course you'd be spies. Now, we want it done by 5 .30. So, let's get on

with the briefing.

I'm not doing it. I'm not Miss Marple.

Anyway, I'm knackered. I want to put my feet up. Well, let Sharon do the

cleaning and you just fill in the questionnaire. Only 37 questions.

Why have I got to do the cleaning?

Might be a bleeding great mansion. Shut up, Sharon.

Now, first, photographs of his wife.

A, are there any photographs?

B, are they in silver frames? And C, are they face down in drawers?

I don't need the drawers.

Well, just open them a little way. Mice of hunger is a confidential service. It

will be confidential. I won't tell a soul.

Now, secondly, colour of the bedroom. What colour are the sheets?

Does he use a double bed?

How many pillows are there?

And does he wear pyjamas?

I've got my pyjamas.

Right, there's the key. I've had a copy made, and that's the address.

But why has it got to be our store?

Because you are our best scrubbers.

Question 38.

Bathroom cabinet. Any sign of dental fixative?

Oh, he's got his own teeth, hasn't he?

I don't know. I haven't kissed him like that.

Have you kissed at all?

Of course.

Just haven't been able to explore.

How could she spend the night with a bloke who's got to take his teeth out of

passion?

Be like Snug in an oozer.

Question 19.

The master toilet.

Was the lab seat up or down?

I never looked. I was in a hurry.

What shall I put?

Whatever. I'll put halfway up.

Put halfway down. It sounds better.

I forgot.

Question 39.

Sleeping tablets.

Are there any?

Oh, no.

Colours are too pale.

And the money is a print.

And the carpet.

Oh, yuck.

This will be her taste.

Oh, I can smell jostics.

One of the children will be going off the rails.

If it's the girl, she'll be pregnant.

I'll be just in time.

I'll have to give her counselling.

Oh, it's the fairy godmother now.

And that chair. It's wrong. It should be there.

You see, I would put... You can't stop moving the furniture.

Not yet, Tracy.

You've heard of Feng Shui.

Number 99.

You see, the troubled evil spirits come from there. Enter the troubled spirit

now. Up. What?

It's Richard, isn't it? Get up.

Oh, my God.

He mustn't see me. I mustn't be here. Up.

This will be worse than Elizabeth Bennet being found by Mr. Darcy.

He had nice trousers, that Darcy. Get up. She'll think I'm spying.

You are spying.

Don't split hairs.

I mustn't be here.

Will you get up?

Oh. Mr.

Darcy.

Mr.

Summers.

We meet again.

We did meet, didn't we?

Sharon and Tracey. That's right.

Tell me, your friend Dorian, well, my friend Dorian, certain people have said,

mean, they're only rumours, that she's, well,

she's quite social, isn't she?

She's been around.

Oh, shall.

She hasn't been around.

She's been about.

That's what you mean.

That's right.

She's been about.

She hasn't been around at all.

Well, that's good news.

Isn't that Dorian's car on the road?

No.

No, she sold that one.

She's got a little runaround now.

You mean a runabout, shall we?

Well, I'll leave you two to finish.

You need some more furniture polish.

OK. And while I'm at it, shall I get you some dental fixative?

What for?

Never mind.

No to number 38.

I've just come from the house next door.

God, what's your name? No, don't tell me. It doesn't matter. Who cares?

led you on. All that is over. Do you understand? Of course you do. Goodbye.

Can I get out this way?

I'll follow your hosepipe.

Wonderful news!

Not now, it's all unbusy. Listen, poor Richard.

Poor, poor Richard.

I've just found out what happened to his wife. She ran off with the au pair.

Finnish au pair girl.

Wonderful, because now Richard will be looking for someone 100 % hetero.

I think it can safely be said that I like men.

It is said, Dore, in every phone box in Chigwell.

I've just got two Achilles' heels.

His children.

It's tonight I'm meeting them.

I don't know a lot about children. I haven't had any yet.

Better get a move on, then.

Mum, start the suit.

Oh, Garfield. You look lovely.

All right, Dorian?

Very smart.

And I got the share in a restaurant.

I was borrowing the money, so I got a bit more while I was at it. Oh, thank

The bank said yes.

Bank? Pay interest? Me?

Never.

Credit cards, Mum.

Plastic. I got myself seven credit cards. Each one's got a thousand limit.

Seven thousand, no sweat.

Credit cards.

You've still got to pay interest on that lot more than a bank overdraft.

Nearly two percent a month. That's what, two thousand a year?

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Dorian's right.

Well, how do you know about money?

I didn't think I'd ever have to say this. I'm Jewish.

Look, credit cards are the worst possible way.

It's our mum.

And I have to pay how much?

£2 ,000 a year, every year.

I'll never do it. I can't do it.

I've totally screwed up. I'm going to have to go and see Mr Mimodian. No, no,

stop. We'll go and pay it back tomorrow.

Look. I should have told you. But you got £5 ,000 from an insurance policy. It

came the other day.

What insurance policy?

Your endowment one.

I thought Dad nicked that.

No, I am honest with you.

But that's fantastic.

Why didn't you tell me about the money when I asked?

Look, this isn't anything to do with me. I'm going to go and get a book about

children from the library.

Hang on.

I want you to hear this.

Why didn't my mother tell me the truth and stop me going to make a fool of

myself with those cards?

This dude's Armani.

I'm sorry, Garth. I wasn't going to give you the money. I needed it for the

baby.

Baby?

Oh, it all comes back to the baby. Hurrah for the baby.

On your bike, Garthy, and shut the door on your way out. I'd better go and find

my library ticket.

No, wait for this story.

Don't you know a lot about kids and how they're jealous?

Well, listen to this.

22 years age difference and he's still jealous.

It's not jealousy, it's poverty.

You'd give that baby all my money. Why doesn't her father help out?

Come to that. Who is her father? Look, I really do think... You see, I've got an

overdue book.

How bloody dare you?

I know exactly who her father is.

I'm just not entirely sure, that's all.

And anyway, that's my business.

It's my business when your free -range baby's taking my money.

Free -range?

Is this my own son calling me a tart?

Look, the library will close.

Well, Mum, we know what you've done, and you're ready to take 5 ,000 for doing

it. so you decide if you're a tart or not.

You can bloody well whistle for your money if that's how you speak to your

mother. Oh, how can I be sure you're my mother?

Did you hear that, Dorian? Did you hear that?

Nothing. Not a thing.

Especially the bit about... Did you hear what my son said to me?

Oh, you've been spared not having kids, I tell you.

Richard's children won't call me names, will they?

Get off.

Give you a clue.

I'm leaning on it.

What?

A camper van.

Twin berth. Cooker. Fridge.

Tool keys. Surf end. Here we come.

We've got wheels, Trace.

Sorry?

I had to give him a post -dated cheque, so you owe me 800.

It's only 800, Trace.

the kitchen, chef -ing. Shouldn't be here after what he called me.

Two free meals in a place like this with lovely linen serviettes. I wasn't going

to give that up.

Look at that bloke over there.

He's got his serviette tapped in his collar.

It's a good sign.

It means he's a gourmet.

I've never called me names like that before.

Look, if you're going to be in a mood all night, I'll eat your bread today.

Thanks for our ladies.

Hello, garçon.

My name's Greg. I'm your waiter for the evening.

If you're French, I'm a monkey's uncle.

You'd be a monkey's auntie, wouldn't you?

That's not the way she's going on. I probably will be.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, it's come to life.

I thought it was going to have a candlelit meal for one.

Would you like to see the wine list?

Let's go mad.

Two wine lists.

No worries.

Right then, Trace.

Australia's a bit like ethics, only with sunshine, really.

I wish one day we could just go somewhere where Dorian couldn't walk in.

That badge, you're exaggerating.

Oh, no, you're not. Thank God you two are here. What do you think?

What about?

Life, death?

The skirt.

Where is it?

Here. Well, Richard's children think it's too short.

You mean you're all coming here tonight?

Is it too short?

Dorian. The most old -fashioned puritanical people in the world are

You couldn't wear a skirt long enough for them.

Exactly. So I didn't.

Scary, isn't it?

I'll find a mirror.

Richard likes a fresh, unmade -up look. Takes me hours.

Two free meals and a grandstand seat to one of the most important nights of

Dorian's life.

I love it.

Here you go.

Now, have you come to any conclusions yet?

They close at 12, Trace.

Let me tell you a bit about tonight's special.

It's rack of lamb cooked in honey and chives.

It's one of Garth's. He's bloody marvellous, Garth. I recommend it, I

Do you hear that?

Of course he's bloody marvellous.

Two specials. Hang about, I haven't made up my mind yet.

What are you going to have?

One of them, the specials. Any starters?

You kidding?

Venison pate with garlic bread.

Twice. I don't want one.

Who said anything about you?

Venison and garlic it is, then. No worries.

Thank you.

They sat down with us.

They do that now, Trace.

It means he's as good as we are.

Here it comes. The target for tonight.

Richard and the kids.

They're hardly kids, Trace.

Teenagers. God help Dorian.

Stop staring.

Where's Dorian? Still decorating, I suppose.

The girl's well in bed.

The boy's bald by the look of it.

Bald with a ring in his nose.

Sounds like an oven -ready door knocker.

Do you want white to start?

You decide.

Well, what do you think?

What do I look like?

You look like half pint of Guinness with a load of froth on top.

Sharon, you are not being a lot of help.

I'm trying to look young and virginal.

Isn't that stir?

I'm not that virginal.

Keep your voice down until they're here.

Oh, my God.

They mustn't see me.

My mind has gone completely blank.

I think he means you to sit with them, Dore.

Makes it easier to talk.

You won't have to shout.

I can't remember their names. I can never remember children's names. But

written them down.

Sasha Morgan.

Sasha Morgan.

Sasha Morgan. Which one is the boy?

The boy is the bald one.

And the girl isn't.

Well, go on, then. Over you go. Best of luck. Oh, honestly, I have never been so

nervous. Not since my very first date.

Why? That they're an air raid.

Come on.

Oh, that was lovely.

You should be proud of your boy, Trace. I am. I just wish he was proud of me.

When it says sauce, I expect sauce.

So bring me the sauce in a bottle.

What do you think, I'm pig ignorant or what?

There's always one.

They should put the prices up in here.

Keep people like that out.

Probably not from this area, you see.

Probably from Thurrock, Sasha.

Wrong side of Thurrock. I'm Morgan.

Yes, Morgan.

I said Morgan.

You see...

of the knife part of Chigwell, Morgan, as you will discover the longer you live

here, it's not really ethics, only theoretically.

It's an enclave.

Or should I say, enclave.

Pardon?

Pardon.

Pardon.

French again.

Do you do French at school?

Morgan wants to be a hairdresser, don't you, Morgan?

Oh!

I wanted to be a teacher.

I should have been a teacher, you know. I love... children for a start.

All the children round here call me Auntie.

They hold on to my skirts.

We run up into the hills.

Do you know the sound of music?

Morgan's more into drum and bass, loudly every night.

Oh, good.

Oh, Sasha doesn't like his food.

I bet you like Cocoa Pops, though.

Yes, he does.

Yes, I saw them in the kitchen.

I dreamt I saw them in the kitchen.

What is he fiddling with down there?

Oh, come on, Sasha, you'll go blind.

What?

Oh, surely not.

It's a Game Boy.

Oh.

Are you going to go into computer things?

I don't know. Oh, come on, Sasha, speak to the lady.

No, it's all right. A shrug. Very expressive.

Very continental.

Probably learnt it from the au pair.

Everything all right over here, girls?

My back teeth are awash, thank you.

Sharon.

He's Australian. He says what he thinks. He knows what I mean.

Oi, waiter.

Just come here.

If he wants ketchup on his cream caramel, I'm taking my holiday early.

Yes, sir.

Are you going to give your compliments to the chef?

Garvey don't want to hear from me.

Listen. The steak was so overdone, it was on bloody fire, and the warm rocket

salad stuff was bleeding warm.

As for the baby sweetcorn, they were bloody minute.

I mean, where's the value in that?

Listen, mate, in a week's time, I'll be lying on a Turkish beach, so I don't

give a stuff.

Well, it's not you that I wish to speak to. It is the chef.

Send me the chef.

Chef! Chef! My mate Garthy is the best bloody chef for miles around, and what

says on the menu is precisely what you got.

Is everything all right?

Are you the chef?

I come to this expensive bloody restaurant, there's a frigging schoolboy

the cooking. I could cook better myself.

Are you?

You've been effing and blinding all night, ruining people's enjoyment.

As a matter of fact, Garth is a very good cook.

No complaints from this table, barring the noise.

Ours was delicious.

And do you know why?

Because we're not ignorant. We recognise nice when it's put in front of us. We

know nice.

Look, it's all right, Mum. You don't have to butt in. Yes, I do.

Yes, she does.

Stop that.

Is this your son?

Yes, he is, and I'm very proud of him. Very fat face.

I'm not being insulted by some slag at the next door.

Don't turn round.

It's me, Dorian. Remember, last year, ladies' night at the Road of Corlears

Association?

Do you want me to tell your wife how you try to get your nasty little end away?

One more word and she gets all the details.

Walk and walk.

Shut up!

Um, very sorry, Mr Garth.

I've been drinking on top of my medication, you see. I'm not a very well

I'll pay him at the door, shall I? Come along, Valerie.

My crumble!

Bring it, bring it!

I wonder what Dorian said to him.

She probably told him a few of her favourite things.

Look, I shouldn't have said what I said.

No, you're right. You shouldn't have.

But you ought to have the money.

No, Mum. It was you who saved the money.

Well, it's your money.

It's always had your name on it.

I thought this might happen.

Russell Grant said I was going to exotic places.

Fat plonker.

Sasha and Morgan don't like restaurants much. They don't like me very much.

Let me pay. No, no, no. Don't be dark.

I tried with them. I failed.

I came up with the wrong words.

You came up with the right words over there. What did you say to that man?

I said... Oh, I told him I was a nun of some sort and his language was offending

me. You're not a nun, are you?

Fail the Latin.

You're going to Turkey, Greg.

How are you getting there?

Oh, it depends, really.

How would you like to buy a camper van?

No. 850 on the road.

There's even a kangaroo on the front.

Oh, beauty.

I'd have to see it first, though.

Well, I could take you for a little test drive when you're finished, if you

like.

Sounds good to me.

Can you keep your eyes off him for a minute?

Here, Greg, you could black out the windows and turn it into a passion

Is it the one with the 1600 or the 1800 engine?

1982, I think.

It's a lovely colour.

And there's a big double bed that flaps down.

Can you come and sit now?

Righto.

Don't wait up for me, Cobber.

What will I do when you are gone? Wanted. One home help.

Must support West Ham. More comedy with Alf Garnett in Sickness and in Health on

BBC Two shortly.

What will I do?

When I'm alone with only dreams of you.

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