All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s08e05 Cant Judge A Book

Bye -bye.

You're boringly healthy, I'm impressed.

Yeah? You drinking plenty of water?

She could pee for England.

Getting lots of exercise.

I'll hide the remote.

She must walk at least an extra mile a
week, changing channels.

And that unpleasant irritation's gone,
is it? No, it's sitting right next to

She does get a bit moody, though,
Doctor. Her hormones are all over the

You're lucky to have such a thoughtful
sister, Tracy.

Oh, yeah. Like when she puts away a big
mac and fries while I'm playing me way

through cottage cheese.

I only do it to enforce a healthy eating
programme.

You might suggest that technique to your
other parents -to -be, Doctor.

And you might try eating some fresh
vegetables, Sharon.

I had a load of carrots yesterday.

Five slices of carrot cake don't count.

One thing is, it wouldn't be such a bad
idea if you followed your sister's diet.

Coal and gherkin sandwiches.

Do us a favour.

Sharon, you're overweight.

No, see, I just come to keep Tracy
company.

Oh, it's got nothing to do with the fact
that this health center's right next

door to donut heaven.

Is it?

Oh, fancy.

Don't give me that.

They've even named a donut after her.

Hell, Dr Drummond, how it helps you when
I eat junk food in front of you. Do you

know, I'm amazed by my willpower
sometimes.

I'm that far from smacking her.

I've been boned. I always have been,
haven't I, Trace?

I expect there's a proper Latin name for
it.

Biggest bonus.

You'll help Sharon lose weight, won't
you? You leave it to me, Dr Drummond.

There's a dirty great portion of spinach
at home with her name on it.

Practice afters.

What's that by me again, Trace?

Oh, it sounded a load of old cobblers
the first time round.

What I'm trying to say is if you were
slimmer, your clothes would be smaller

there'd be less to iron.

You do open the car window after you've
picked up your dry cleaning.

So what are you trying to say? You're
not overweight.

I'm Ruben -esque.

You're in denial.

I am not! Aha!

Oh, what a charming scene.

Tracy making the tea and Sharon ironing
her smalls.

Rather, her bigs.

Don't you start.

Oh, come on, Sharon. It's an integral
part of our friendship.

You insult me over my overabundant sex
life, so I make fun of your circus tent

couture.

What sex life?

You haven't had a sniff for weeks.

Well, not until Richard.

Not that we... Anyway, he sent me these.

Richard? Isn't that the window cleaner?
Oh, squeezy, you tried to moisten.

Richard, the man... And I met in the
park.

Uh -oh.

She's been ambushing joggers again.

And then I pointed him out in the
supermarket. You remember.

Moussaka for one and a small whole meal.

Not the ancient -looking bloke in a
beige cardi.

No, the distinguished -looking gentleman
in a camel cashmere.

Come off it.

He's 60 if he's a day.

You could make three toy boys out of him
and still have change for a toddler.

time you started dating older men?

Was there a card with these?

Maybe it hid under the rum truffle.

Oh, well, worth a try, eh?

Dear Dorian.

Oh, don't you think that's charming?

Dear.

When everyone knows you're cheap.

Dear Dorian.

If you have a sweet tooth and you like
dining and dancing, please enjoy these

chocolates and be my guest at Chigwell's
Charity Gala Ball. Call me Richard.

Call me.

Don't just adore assertiveness in a man.

Oh, look.

She's gone all soppy.

So, are you going to play this door?

Well, I'll be me.

Never fails. He'll be putty in my hands.

Old age affects some fellas like that.

is none of us are getting any younger.

Yeah, I know what you mean, Tracy.

Did you see that picture of Jimmy Osmond
in Hello?

I nearly brought up a turkey nugget.

You're in your autumn years, Dore.
You're starting to dry up and wrinkle.

Brumble and drop.

Yes, thank you. I get the picture.

You're no spring chicken anymore.

Old boiler, more like.

Must be duck, even.

Maybe you should act your age.

Dress your age.

Less of the Jerry Spice, more of the
Fora Herd.

There's a style on it. Surgical
stockings are out.

Do you know, I think you might have
something there.

I? See, I've always gone for young men
with big biceps and small vocabularies.

They were toy boys.

And therefore, by definition, I was
forced... by this judgmental, aged

to play the role of the... Tired old
trollop?

Sad old slacker?

Tragic old tramp?

Oh, shut up!

Oh, we're on a roll now, doll!

Maybe it's time to reveal the true
Dorian Green.

You're never a fella.

The refined, subtly dressed woman of the
world.

Mellowed, seasoned, aged in oak.

Goodbye, Alcopop.

Hello, Tawny Port.

We could go shopping for the new -look
Dorian. I could get something different

for the charity do.

I'll come with you, doll.

Here, we can go to that new all -you
-can -eat place after.

Only if you give all the diners a head
start.

I mean, be fair, Sharon. You don't want
them going out of business on their

first night.

I'll just about add it with the fat
jokes.

Then do something about it.

Why should I?

Because the doctor's receptionist
thought you were pregnant.

Because you need to be fit to bring up a
kid. I mean, even Pamela Anderson gets

knackered. And she hasn't got an Evans
outsized loyalty card.

I've always been big.

Rubbish. You were much smaller when you
married Chris.

Okay. I bet you 50 quid I can get into
my wedding dress by the 30th.

You're on.

mid -morning snack, why not munch on a
deliciously satisfying carrot stick?

Yeah, right.

I'll lose ten pounds of unsightly fat by
chopping off your aris.

You'll be in touch in a few days with
your first job, Dominic. Welcome to

of Hunger.

Oh, thanks, Mrs Stubbs. I won't let you
down.

Bye. Bye.

Perfect manners, ever so keen, and a bum
you could do a jigsaw on.

They'll love him.

He's a bloke, Trace.

He probably thinks flash is a verb.

Cleaning's just common sense, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Hell, that's that silly tart Irene, who
thought Mrs King...

Shih Tzu was a bog brush.

If I met a Garth, he'd be fine.

Your son, Garth?

The one who thinks enchanted pixies wash
his socks?

But he's a student, shall we? He needs
the money.

Let's give him a chance, eh?

Ah! Sharon!

Your socks aren't exactly springtime
fresh.

I power walked down Manor Close.

Along the pond...

and pass the greengrocer that sells the
dodgy satsumas.

I reckon I'll do it in 25 minutes
tomorrow.

So what do you want, a line of
sportswear?

Well done, Sharon.

Keep up the good work, Sharon. I'm proud
of you, Sharon.

It goes without saying.

No, it bloody doesn't.

If dieting was easy, they wouldn't have
invented the crispbread.

It's the portive sister lark. It does
work both ways, you know.

You've only been on this diet a week.

Kate Moss isn't exactly having sleep
this night.

Wait there a minute.

I couldn't move if you winched me.

It is working, though, Trace.

I can get a whole hand inside my jeans.

Just a shame it's mine.

Still reckon you can get into this in,
what, three weeks and two days?

Piece of cake.

What, me winning?

No, what I'll eat when I've won.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

Come on.

Oh, yes. Now, this is more like it.

I'm positive.

Are you sure you're positive?

Why would I lie to you?

Because I've got a waistline and you
haven't.

Honestly, Dore, it's the new you.

The old you.

The real you.

I looked in the mirror and for a moment
I thought Mummy had walked into the

changing room.

It's official.

I've turned into my mother.

Look at Lauren Bacall.

Where?

No, Dore.

Lauren Bacall's ageless because she's
found her own style.

I read it in the air dresser.

So's Barbara Cartland. You can't see her
as a role model.

You want things to work out with this,
Richard, don't you? It would be nice.

Well then, say goodbye to mutton dressed
as lamb.

Say hello to Melanie Fish... Oh, God
forbid.

She's fish paste dressed as caviar.

Melanie Fishman's Eddie Miss White.

Trace pick. Melanie.

Dorian.

I thought you were your mother.

Anyway, can't stop. Two o 'clock body
conditioning class at the gym.

You've obviously stopped going, Dorian.
Yes, I'm far too busy with Maids of

Hunger. Oh, of course. We're a little
cleaning company.

You're very brave, soldiering on after
Marcus left you for a younger woman.

I keep forgetting, how much younger was
she again?

And by the way, thank you for sending me
Dominic. What a charming young man.

And so dexterous.

Anyway, mustache.

Oh, but Dorian, please, let me treat you
to a facial, fun time.

The ultra -rejuvenation mask is
particularly effective, even on

ravaged skin like yours.

How can I put this sensitively?

Rejection seems to be taking its toll.

Lovely to see you both.

Bye.

She looked well, didn't she?

I'm sure Dominic will be with you any
minute, Mrs. Rosen.

He had a power cut at his last
appointment.

And a gas leak.

And a water shortage.

Okay, then.

You ring me back if he doesn't turn up,
Mrs. Rosen.

Bye -bye.

Telling you, Shell, that Dominic's
definitely up to something.

I'm telling you, Trace, that Dominic is
definitely up to something.

There's an echo in here.

I've just seen him come out of Mrs
Tyler's and it looked like he'd done

than deep clean her shag pile.

And Mrs Norton has to have him three
times a week.

Melanie Fishman says he's very
dexterous.

Great for business.

The cleaning business, not the pimping
business.

I'm not having him giving personal
services in our time. Not if he's

appointments.

This better not be another complaint.

Maids of hunger. We shine, so you shine.

Oh, right.

Chris.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember you.

Yeah, dirty laugh and filthy habits.

No, I couldn't come last month. I had to
watch some paint dry.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

OK, if it's urgent.

I will, Chris.

See you Friday.

Bye.

Needy or what?

Do you want one?

No, thanks.

I only have to smell the chocolate and
I'm done for.

Trying to lose weight.

Yeah.

I've tried them all.

Grapefruit diet, hay diet, fingers down
the throat diet.

And then I thought, stop it.

Life's too short.

Yep.

You know, 47 % of women are size 16 and
over.

Or was it 16 % are size 47 and over?

We are not alone.

Sure you don't want the last one?

Well, I think you look lovely just as
you are.

You give your fellow what for if you
don't say so.

Ready? Edge of me seat door.

Yeah, I really think this dress
symbolises an exciting new chapter in my

Terrific.

No more thong panties like cheese wire.

No more hurried sex in potting sheds.

No more Mr Nice Bum.

Well, come on then, give us a twirl.

We had a shower curtain look like that.

Tracy, you're supposed to say something
nice.

It's amazing, Dore.

I've never seen so little of your flesh
in my whole life.

And that's good.

Definitely. I mean, how's Richard going
to get to know the real you when he

can't take his eyes off your frookneys?

Melanie Fishman said I looked old.

I don't get it.

Sharon insults you and it's like water
off a duck's bottom.

Melanie offers you a facial and you
crack up.

Yes, well, don't let the lady bandful at
fool you.

She's a rottweiler with breast implants.

But you're not going to let her get to
you, are you?

Let her get to me.

That's more like it.

Have you noticed anything?

No blouse?

A different hairstyle.

You've stopped wearing glasses.

Yes, Chris.

I've had the nose ring removed and all.

Well, if you visited more, I'd notice
stuff more.

Each day is like a year when no one
comes.

You started another creative writing
class.

But since you asked, yeah, I do see a
change.

You're looking very well, as it happens.

Really? Yeah.

New bloke, is it?

No.

But you'd only go into one if there was.
No, I wouldn't, Shell.

I'll be pleased for you. Really.

After all, happiness is preciouser than
gold.

Have you found Jesus?

No, I ain't going to have any clappy.

My life has changed 100%. Here.

You ain't betting for the other side,
are you?

Not London's number one babe magnet. Do
me a favour.

Well, tell us then. I'm all ears.

Well, see, show, the thing is, when you
stopped visiting, I went to pieces.

The family have pretty much washed their
hands of me. I got lonely, suicidal

almost, so the shrink got me this prison
visitor.

Some posh do -gooder in her 70s. That's
what I thought.

But she wasn't. Isn't.

Her name's Josie and we're in love.

She's got a B &B in Keswick and we
reckon we can make a go of it when I get

released. If I stay away from London, I
might keep me nose clean for the first

time in me life.

She's even taken on the fight to clear
my name since you got bored of it.

Oh, say something.

That's Josie.

She's visiting Bogbreath Barrett because
she wanted to give us some space to

sort things out.

I talked to her in the queue.

She's great, ain't she? She's funny.

I'm funny.

She's sweet.

I'm sweet. She's sexy.

I'm sexy.

And she doesn't think I'm a plonker.

I'm sexy.

Rotten train.

We apologise for shutting you into a
siding for 40 minutes. It was

due to the fact that we don't give a
monkey's.

Is that it?

I've travelled the length of England
opposite a man who wouldn't leave his

laptop alone.

The least you could do is get some
chocolate in.

Bad visit.

He's dumped me, Trace.

Chris has dumped me for another woman.

It's like that time in Brownies when
they chucked me out before I had a

to tell Tawny Owl to get stuffed.

He's dumped you before.

Remember that Tina from Cyprus?

He soon came back with his tail between
his legs.

Which I should have Lorena Bobbited
while I had the chance.

Did you know about this?

How would I know?

Daryl didn't mention it.

They're on different wings now.

Look, shout, if he means it, then good.

I mean, you've put up with him long
enough.

This silly little tart's welcome to him.

But she ain't a silly little tart,
Trace. I met her. I liked her.

You know when we watch stars in their
eyes and we play that game of who we'd

Yeah, I'll be Debbie Harry, you'll be
Meatloaf.

Kate Bush, Trace.

Well, it's like someone had gone on
there and said...

Tonight, Matthew, I want to be Sharon
Theodopolopoulos.

It'd be this Josie.

She's a dead spit trace.

Of meatloaf?

Of me, you lemon.

Separated at birth.

Two peas in the pod. Tweedledum and
Tweedledee. So he's not stupid?

He is stupid, but what's your point?

Well, he's worked out that if you've had
enough of him, he might as well find

Sharon Mark too.

I mean, it's quite flattering in a funny
kind of way.

Oh, flattering, is it?

All the way home, the train wheels were
saying, humiliating, embarrassing,

insulting, humiliating, embarrassing. So
now what?

Deep -fried Mars bars.

I've often wondered what they were like.

How's that going to help?

Do I have to spell it out?

Look, comfort eating may dull the pain,
but it'll only undo all the good that

you've done.

What's the point?

I can be dumped and depressed at any
size.

Look, I promised Dr Drummond I'd support
you, and I will. Now eat your salad.

Dear Trace, this radish tastes just like
cheesecake.

Small scotch, please.

Love the time, darling. Too jealous.

Too jealous.

Too retard.

you have been selected to win a special
edition of Pride and Prejudice covered

in exquisite, wipe -clean leatherette.

I'd rather have Colin Firth covered in
delicious lick -off ice cream.

At least he's come here on time.

Who? Dominic. He's oversexed and
unreliable. Do you realise we're paying

an hour to play hide -the -hoover with
our clients?

I mean, how does that make us look?

Jealous.

if she hadn't come a couple...

Oh, God, we've got an audience.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Don't mind me.

I was thinking of renting out nine and a
half weeks anyway.

It isn't what you think, is it, Dominic?

I'll be honest, Mrs. Stubbs, she's only
thinking what you were thinking.

What's on it? Tell her.

Well, it's just I'm doing this course
and she had to massage, but it was wrong

of me to practise on your clients. It's
just... Well, Mrs. Tyler told Mrs.

Fishman and Mrs.

Fishman told Mrs. Norton and...

Well, it all got a bit out of hand.

I told him how badly it reflects on
maids of hunger and he asked how long

had a stiff neck and... Oh, it was
brilliant, shall.

Yes?

I've got a touch of groin strain going
on.

Honestly, it just felt like a... like a
croissant kind of morning.

Have you seen the sun?

Have you smelt the air? Oh, it makes you
glad to be alive.

Someone's had a good scene, too.

Actually, Tracy, I haven't.

But I did have possibly the best night
of my life.

Better than when you got stuck in that
service lift with boys on?

Nearly.

No, better.

No, different.

I was right about the dress.

Actually, Tracy, you couldn't have been
more wrong if you bought it blindfolded

at an Albanian street market.

Richard didn't like it. Richard didn't
see it. I lost my nerve and traded it in

for a younger model.

Ah, you let the dog see the rabbit. And
the rest.

I'd have hair bands with more fabric.

I thought Richard was going to expire
when he first saw me.

Then when he'd picked his jaw up off the
ground, he was a very happy bunny.

So what are you going to do with all the
new clothes then? Ah, a bit of fancy

wrapping paper. I've sorted Mummy's
birthday presents.

I was only trying to help, Dawn.

No, I know, Tracy, and I'm very touched.

But next time you feel the urge, do me a
favour. Do something useful.

Save a whale.

I won the bet.

I won the bet. You owe me 50 quid, cos I
won the bet.

I might give this to Josie as a wedding
present.

Who's Josie?

Chris has fallen for a Sharon look
-alike called Josie.

Poor thing.

Falling for Chris?

Looking like chaperone.

This diet is officially over.

My quality of life has certainly
improved if you stop eating all them

You see, Trace, you can't judge people
by a wipe -clean, leatherette cover. Oh,

no. People are far more complicated than
that.

Hear, hear.

Dominic's not a gigolo, Dorian's not
past it, and I'm not Kate Moss.

So what?

So pay up.

You look brilliant, Sal.

I never thought you'd do it. I can't
believe it. Thank you.

Doesn't she look brilliant, Dool? Well,
she had to do something. She couldn't go

on the way she was.

Dream.