Original subtitles

Bye -bye.

You're boringly healthy, I'm impressed.

Yeah? You drinking plenty of water?

She could pee for England.

Getting lots of exercise.

I'll hide the remote.

She must walk at least an extra mile a week, changing channels.

And that unpleasant irritation's gone, is it? No, it's sitting right next to

She does get a bit moody, though, Doctor. Her hormones are all over the

You're lucky to have such a thoughtful sister, Tracy.

Oh, yeah. Like when she puts away a big mac and fries while I'm playing me way

through cottage cheese.

I only do it to enforce a healthy eating programme.

You might suggest that technique to your other parents -to -be, Doctor.

And you might try eating some fresh vegetables, Sharon.

I had a load of carrots yesterday.

Five slices of carrot cake don't count.

One thing is, it wouldn't be such a bad idea if you followed your sister's diet.

Coal and gherkin sandwiches.

Do us a favour.

Sharon, you're overweight.

No, see, I just come to keep Tracy company.

Oh, it's got nothing to do with the fact that this health center's right next

door to donut heaven.

Is it?

Oh, fancy.

Don't give me that.

They've even named a donut after her.

Hell, Dr Drummond, how it helps you when I eat junk food in front of you. Do you

know, I'm amazed by my willpower sometimes.

I'm that far from smacking her.

I've been boned. I always have been, haven't I, Trace?

I expect there's a proper Latin name for it.

Biggest bonus.

You'll help Sharon lose weight, won't you? You leave it to me, Dr Drummond.

There's a dirty great portion of spinach at home with her name on it.

Practice afters.

What's that by me again, Trace?

Oh, it sounded a load of old cobblers the first time round.

What I'm trying to say is if you were slimmer, your clothes would be smaller

there'd be less to iron.

You do open the car window after you've picked up your dry cleaning.

So what are you trying to say? You're not overweight.

I'm Ruben -esque.

You're in denial.

I am not! Aha!

Oh, what a charming scene.

Tracy making the tea and Sharon ironing her smalls.

Rather, her bigs.

Don't you start.

Oh, come on, Sharon. It's an integral part of our friendship.

You insult me over my overabundant sex life, so I make fun of your circus tent

couture.

What sex life?

You haven't had a sniff for weeks.

Well, not until Richard.

Not that we... Anyway, he sent me these.

Richard? Isn't that the window cleaner? Oh, squeezy, you tried to moisten.

Richard, the man... And I met in the park.

Uh -oh.

She's been ambushing joggers again.

And then I pointed him out in the supermarket. You remember.

Moussaka for one and a small whole meal.

Not the ancient -looking bloke in a beige cardi.

No, the distinguished -looking gentleman in a camel cashmere.

Come off it.

He's 60 if he's a day.

You could make three toy boys out of him and still have change for a toddler.

time you started dating older men?

Was there a card with these?

Maybe it hid under the rum truffle.

Oh, well, worth a try, eh?

Dear Dorian.

Oh, don't you think that's charming?

Dear.

When everyone knows you're cheap.

Dear Dorian.

If you have a sweet tooth and you like dining and dancing, please enjoy these

chocolates and be my guest at Chigwell's Charity Gala Ball. Call me Richard.

Call me.

Don't just adore assertiveness in a man.

Oh, look.

She's gone all soppy.

So, are you going to play this door?

Well, I'll be me.

Never fails. He'll be putty in my hands.

Old age affects some fellas like that.

is none of us are getting any younger.

Yeah, I know what you mean, Tracy.

Did you see that picture of Jimmy Osmond in Hello?

I nearly brought up a turkey nugget.

You're in your autumn years, Dore. You're starting to dry up and wrinkle.

Brumble and drop.

Yes, thank you. I get the picture.

You're no spring chicken anymore.

Old boiler, more like.

Must be duck, even.

Maybe you should act your age.

Dress your age.

Less of the Jerry Spice, more of the Fora Herd.

There's a style on it. Surgical stockings are out.

Do you know, I think you might have something there.

I? See, I've always gone for young men with big biceps and small vocabularies.

They were toy boys.

And therefore, by definition, I was forced... by this judgmental, aged

to play the role of the... Tired old trollop?

Sad old slacker?

Tragic old tramp?

Oh, shut up!

Oh, we're on a roll now, doll!

Maybe it's time to reveal the true Dorian Green.

You're never a fella.

The refined, subtly dressed woman of the world.

Mellowed, seasoned, aged in oak.

Goodbye, Alcopop.

Hello, Tawny Port.

We could go shopping for the new -look Dorian. I could get something different

for the charity do.

I'll come with you, doll.

Here, we can go to that new all -you -can -eat place after.

Only if you give all the diners a head start.

I mean, be fair, Sharon. You don't want them going out of business on their

first night.

I'll just about add it with the fat jokes.

Then do something about it.

Why should I?

Because the doctor's receptionist thought you were pregnant.

Because you need to be fit to bring up a kid. I mean, even Pamela Anderson gets

knackered. And she hasn't got an Evans outsized loyalty card.

I've always been big.

Rubbish. You were much smaller when you married Chris.

Okay. I bet you 50 quid I can get into my wedding dress by the 30th.

You're on.

mid -morning snack, why not munch on a deliciously satisfying carrot stick?

Yeah, right.

I'll lose ten pounds of unsightly fat by chopping off your aris.

You'll be in touch in a few days with your first job, Dominic. Welcome to

of Hunger.

Oh, thanks, Mrs Stubbs. I won't let you down.

Bye. Bye.

Perfect manners, ever so keen, and a bum you could do a jigsaw on.

They'll love him.

He's a bloke, Trace.

He probably thinks flash is a verb.

Cleaning's just common sense, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Hell, that's that silly tart Irene, who thought Mrs King...

Shih Tzu was a bog brush.

If I met a Garth, he'd be fine.

Your son, Garth?

The one who thinks enchanted pixies wash his socks?

But he's a student, shall we? He needs the money.

Let's give him a chance, eh?

Ah! Sharon!

Your socks aren't exactly springtime fresh.

I power walked down Manor Close.

Along the pond...

and pass the greengrocer that sells the dodgy satsumas.

I reckon I'll do it in 25 minutes tomorrow.

So what do you want, a line of sportswear?

Well done, Sharon.

Keep up the good work, Sharon. I'm proud of you, Sharon.

It goes without saying.

No, it bloody doesn't.

If dieting was easy, they wouldn't have invented the crispbread.

It's the portive sister lark. It does work both ways, you know.

You've only been on this diet a week.

Kate Moss isn't exactly having sleep this night.

Wait there a minute.

I couldn't move if you winched me.

It is working, though, Trace.

I can get a whole hand inside my jeans.

Just a shame it's mine.

Still reckon you can get into this in, what, three weeks and two days?

Piece of cake.

What, me winning?

No, what I'll eat when I've won.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

Come on.

Oh, yes. Now, this is more like it.

I'm positive.

Are you sure you're positive?

Why would I lie to you?

Because I've got a waistline and you haven't.

Honestly, Dore, it's the new you.

The old you.

The real you.

I looked in the mirror and for a moment I thought Mummy had walked into the

changing room.

It's official.

I've turned into my mother.

Look at Lauren Bacall.

Where?

No, Dore.

Lauren Bacall's ageless because she's found her own style.

I read it in the air dresser.

So's Barbara Cartland. You can't see her as a role model.

You want things to work out with this, Richard, don't you? It would be nice.

Well then, say goodbye to mutton dressed as lamb.

Say hello to Melanie Fish... Oh, God forbid.

She's fish paste dressed as caviar.

Melanie Fishman's Eddie Miss White.

Trace pick. Melanie.

Dorian.

I thought you were your mother.

Anyway, can't stop. Two o 'clock body conditioning class at the gym.

You've obviously stopped going, Dorian. Yes, I'm far too busy with Maids of

Hunger. Oh, of course. We're a little cleaning company.

You're very brave, soldiering on after Marcus left you for a younger woman.

I keep forgetting, how much younger was she again?

And by the way, thank you for sending me Dominic. What a charming young man.

And so dexterous.

Anyway, mustache.

Oh, but Dorian, please, let me treat you to a facial, fun time.

The ultra -rejuvenation mask is particularly effective, even on

ravaged skin like yours.

How can I put this sensitively?

Rejection seems to be taking its toll.

Lovely to see you both.

Bye.

She looked well, didn't she?

I'm sure Dominic will be with you any minute, Mrs. Rosen.

He had a power cut at his last appointment.

And a gas leak.

And a water shortage.

Okay, then.

You ring me back if he doesn't turn up, Mrs. Rosen.

Bye -bye.

Telling you, Shell, that Dominic's definitely up to something.

I'm telling you, Trace, that Dominic is definitely up to something.

There's an echo in here.

I've just seen him come out of Mrs Tyler's and it looked like he'd done

than deep clean her shag pile.

And Mrs Norton has to have him three times a week.

Melanie Fishman says he's very dexterous.

Great for business.

The cleaning business, not the pimping business.

I'm not having him giving personal services in our time. Not if he's

appointments.

This better not be another complaint.

Maids of hunger. We shine, so you shine.

Oh, right.

Chris.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember you.

Yeah, dirty laugh and filthy habits.

No, I couldn't come last month. I had to watch some paint dry.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

OK, if it's urgent.

I will, Chris.

See you Friday.

Bye.

Needy or what?

Do you want one?

No, thanks.

I only have to smell the chocolate and I'm done for.

Trying to lose weight.

Yeah.

I've tried them all.

Grapefruit diet, hay diet, fingers down the throat diet.

And then I thought, stop it.

Life's too short.

Yep.

You know, 47 % of women are size 16 and over.

Or was it 16 % are size 47 and over?

We are not alone.

Sure you don't want the last one?

Well, I think you look lovely just as you are.

You give your fellow what for if you don't say so.

Ready? Edge of me seat door.

Yeah, I really think this dress symbolises an exciting new chapter in my

Terrific.

No more thong panties like cheese wire.

No more hurried sex in potting sheds.

No more Mr Nice Bum.

Well, come on then, give us a twirl.

We had a shower curtain look like that.

Tracy, you're supposed to say something nice.

It's amazing, Dore.

I've never seen so little of your flesh in my whole life.

And that's good.

Definitely. I mean, how's Richard going to get to know the real you when he

can't take his eyes off your frookneys?

Melanie Fishman said I looked old.

I don't get it.

Sharon insults you and it's like water off a duck's bottom.

Melanie offers you a facial and you crack up.

Yes, well, don't let the lady bandful at fool you.

She's a rottweiler with breast implants.

But you're not going to let her get to you, are you?

Let her get to me.

That's more like it.

Have you noticed anything?

No blouse?

A different hairstyle.

You've stopped wearing glasses.

Yes, Chris.

I've had the nose ring removed and all.

Well, if you visited more, I'd notice stuff more.

Each day is like a year when no one comes.

You started another creative writing class.

But since you asked, yeah, I do see a change.

You're looking very well, as it happens.

Really? Yeah.

New bloke, is it?

No.

But you'd only go into one if there was. No, I wouldn't, Shell.

I'll be pleased for you. Really.

After all, happiness is preciouser than gold.

Have you found Jesus?

No, I ain't going to have any clappy.

My life has changed 100%. Here.

You ain't betting for the other side, are you?

Not London's number one babe magnet. Do me a favour.

Well, tell us then. I'm all ears.

Well, see, show, the thing is, when you stopped visiting, I went to pieces.

The family have pretty much washed their hands of me. I got lonely, suicidal

almost, so the shrink got me this prison visitor.

Some posh do -gooder in her 70s. That's what I thought.

But she wasn't. Isn't.

Her name's Josie and we're in love.

She's got a B &B in Keswick and we reckon we can make a go of it when I get

released. If I stay away from London, I might keep me nose clean for the first

time in me life.

She's even taken on the fight to clear my name since you got bored of it.

Oh, say something.

That's Josie.

She's visiting Bogbreath Barrett because she wanted to give us some space to

sort things out.

I talked to her in the queue.

She's great, ain't she? She's funny.

I'm funny.

She's sweet.

I'm sweet. She's sexy.

I'm sexy.

And she doesn't think I'm a plonker.

I'm sexy.

Rotten train.

We apologise for shutting you into a siding for 40 minutes. It was

due to the fact that we don't give a monkey's.

Is that it?

I've travelled the length of England opposite a man who wouldn't leave his

laptop alone.

The least you could do is get some chocolate in.

Bad visit.

He's dumped me, Trace.

Chris has dumped me for another woman.

It's like that time in Brownies when they chucked me out before I had a

to tell Tawny Owl to get stuffed.

He's dumped you before.

Remember that Tina from Cyprus?

He soon came back with his tail between his legs.

Which I should have Lorena Bobbited while I had the chance.

Did you know about this?

How would I know?

Daryl didn't mention it.

They're on different wings now.

Look, shout, if he means it, then good.

I mean, you've put up with him long enough.

This silly little tart's welcome to him.

But she ain't a silly little tart, Trace. I met her. I liked her.

You know when we watch stars in their eyes and we play that game of who we'd

Yeah, I'll be Debbie Harry, you'll be Meatloaf.

Kate Bush, Trace.

Well, it's like someone had gone on there and said...

Tonight, Matthew, I want to be Sharon Theodopolopoulos.

It'd be this Josie.

She's a dead spit trace.

Of meatloaf?

Of me, you lemon.

Separated at birth.

Two peas in the pod. Tweedledum and Tweedledee. So he's not stupid?

He is stupid, but what's your point?

Well, he's worked out that if you've had enough of him, he might as well find

Sharon Mark too.

I mean, it's quite flattering in a funny kind of way.

Oh, flattering, is it?

All the way home, the train wheels were saying, humiliating, embarrassing,

insulting, humiliating, embarrassing. So now what?

Deep -fried Mars bars.

I've often wondered what they were like.

How's that going to help?

Do I have to spell it out?

Look, comfort eating may dull the pain, but it'll only undo all the good that

you've done.

What's the point?

I can be dumped and depressed at any size.

Look, I promised Dr Drummond I'd support you, and I will. Now eat your salad.

Dear Trace, this radish tastes just like cheesecake.

Small scotch, please.

Love the time, darling. Too jealous.

Too jealous.

Too retard.

you have been selected to win a special edition of Pride and Prejudice covered

in exquisite, wipe -clean leatherette.

I'd rather have Colin Firth covered in delicious lick -off ice cream.

At least he's come here on time.

Who? Dominic. He's oversexed and unreliable. Do you realise we're paying

an hour to play hide -the -hoover with our clients?

I mean, how does that make us look?

Jealous.

if she hadn't come a couple...

Oh, God, we've got an audience.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Don't mind me.

I was thinking of renting out nine and a half weeks anyway.

It isn't what you think, is it, Dominic?

I'll be honest, Mrs. Stubbs, she's only thinking what you were thinking.

What's on it? Tell her.

Well, it's just I'm doing this course and she had to massage, but it was wrong

of me to practise on your clients. It's just... Well, Mrs. Tyler told Mrs.

Fishman and Mrs.

Fishman told Mrs. Norton and...

Well, it all got a bit out of hand.

I told him how badly it reflects on maids of hunger and he asked how long

had a stiff neck and... Oh, it was brilliant, shall.

Yes?

I've got a touch of groin strain going on.

Honestly, it just felt like a... like a croissant kind of morning.

Have you seen the sun?

Have you smelt the air? Oh, it makes you glad to be alive.

Someone's had a good scene, too.

Actually, Tracy, I haven't.

But I did have possibly the best night of my life.

Better than when you got stuck in that service lift with boys on?

Nearly.

No, better.

No, different.

I was right about the dress.

Actually, Tracy, you couldn't have been more wrong if you bought it blindfolded

at an Albanian street market.

Richard didn't like it. Richard didn't see it. I lost my nerve and traded it in

for a younger model.

Ah, you let the dog see the rabbit. And the rest.

I'd have hair bands with more fabric.

I thought Richard was going to expire when he first saw me.

Then when he'd picked his jaw up off the ground, he was a very happy bunny.

So what are you going to do with all the new clothes then? Ah, a bit of fancy

wrapping paper. I've sorted Mummy's birthday presents.

I was only trying to help, Dawn.

No, I know, Tracy, and I'm very touched.

But next time you feel the urge, do me a favour. Do something useful.

Save a whale.

I won the bet.

I won the bet. You owe me 50 quid, cos I won the bet.

I might give this to Josie as a wedding present.

Who's Josie?

Chris has fallen for a Sharon look -alike called Josie.

Poor thing.

Falling for Chris?

Looking like chaperone.

This diet is officially over.

My quality of life has certainly improved if you stop eating all them

You see, Trace, you can't judge people by a wipe -clean, leatherette cover. Oh,

no. People are far more complicated than that.

Hear, hear.

Dominic's not a gigolo, Dorian's not past it, and I'm not Kate Moss.

So what?

So pay up.

You look brilliant, Sal.

I never thought you'd do it. I can't believe it. Thank you.

Doesn't she look brilliant, Dool? Well, she had to do something. She couldn't go

on the way she was.

Dream.