Original subtitles

I am what I do when I'm

alone.

to get too big to ever be stuffed in a dustbin again.

Leave off.

It's true.

It's her fault I look like this.

I blame Margie Harris.

I blame Cadbury's, McVitie's and... Morning, fellow board members. Stop

squabbling. Your chairperson is here.

Oh, dear. Seem to have clashed with the pyjama party.

Shall I come back when you've looked up business in the dictionary?

Sharon, people will be round any minute. You are one of the partners.

Tell them I'm a sleeping partner.

What's that tat? It's not tat, it's schmutter. There's a difference.

Women in cake shops wear those.

So, anyone can wear them.

Cleaners can wear them. Our cleaners. Think corporate identity.

We want the people who work for us to look the same.

So why don't we hire twins then?

Afternoons, that's what we should do. Never mornings. Don't expect them to

before 11.

Do you mind? I have been on the blower for half an hour taking for work. It's

who you want to have a go at.

Leave me.

I'm suffering from childhood trauma.

Well, aren't we all?

You weren't put in a dustbin as a child.

Well, no, I had a playpen.

Draking over the past. We've got an invite to a reunion at our old school.

Your old school?

You mean it's still standing?

You mean the mistake hasn't been rectified?

It was this Margie Harris who used to bully her. She reckons it's marred her

life. Well, something did.

Things that happen when you're very small. You were never very small.

Even when you were little.

All right, all right.

Things that happen when you are very young, they can do you up something

Oh, yes.

Done up something rotten by Sigmund Freud. A definitive word.

Look, could we stop poking about in the litter bins along Memory Lane?

If, on the road of life, our innocence and our dreams are involved in a nasty

accident, do we live out our lives in casualty?

What?

Think now.

Think business.

You see, the first applicant, that would be Mr. Halton.

You keep out the Y.

Forget the past, Sharon. It has absolutely nothing to offer.

Dorian? Good God.

Luke.

After all these years.

Just said Mr Horton on the phone.

I didn't connect.

Said he was looking for a job. No.

Well, no, not really. But I am looking for expanding firms. I'm with this

Scandinavian outfit.

We sell industrial cleaners, polishers, carpet shampoos, that sort of thing.

Fancy finding you.

Fancy.

Fancy.

And now you have your own company.

Our company.

Ours.

It's Sharon, isn't it?

Oh. You remember me then?

Yes.

Well, no, I remember the pyjamas.

And then seeing him again.

Well, something moved in me.

Something stirred deep down.

Ever thought you might have worms?

He was my soul mate.

He was your toy boy.

They were days of reckless abandon.

You were always hiding.

We were like something out of a Greek legend.

More like something out of Jackie Collins.

He was Anthony to my Cleopatra.

Nelson to my Lady Hamilton.

Rod Hull to your emu.

Gold, eh? The memory plays tricks.

Plays tricks?

Taking the piss, if you ask me.

Forget it, Dore. You and Luke was years ago.

It's all in the past now.

Don't be so negative, Tracy.

She was the same about me and the reunion.

The past has still got a future, as far as I'm concerned. I'll drink to that.

So will I. Oh, no, you won't.

When will you stop being so bloody negative?

When you stop being so bloody piggy.

Take a good look, Margie Harris.

I could have been something.

I could have really been something.

Now, you listen to me, Mrs Stephen, massive pent -up aggro.

No violence, OK?

Trace, this is the woman... I said no violence, OK?

Paul, promise?

I promise I won't hit her.

I'll just put on a different pair of boots.

Honestly,

I feel like a 14 -year -old. Good, look at the boy's skirt.

Be happy for me.

My dream date is actually happening. I telephoned Luke. He's coming round

tonight. And what about his wife?

Oh, he was aching for me. I could hear it in his voice.

It's been ages since a man ached for me.

You said Marcus ached sometimes.

That wasn't desire, that was rheumatism.

Wish me luck.

I've got the champagne chilling.

I've got all our old romantic music at the ready and... Look.

How the hell are you going to get into that? That's a trick known only to me

select members of the magic circle.

Disgusting at your age.

At my age?

Do you mind? I have got a young man, repeat, a man younger than you, who at

very moment is sitting at Gants Hill Station struggling with his pulse rate.

By the time he gets to Epping, he could well be in a coma.

This is what I do to him.

The central line does that to everyone, doll.

That's all right. I understand.

Stay bitter.

Go to your sad little school reunion.

I hope the earth moves for you all.

Bye.

She'll never change, you know. She'll be 83 and she'll still be flashing her

wrinkled cleavage.

Here we go.

Margie Harris, here I come.

You promised.

No, not on display.

I think I'll produce it at the right...

You look terrific.

You look brilliant, Dorian.

Oh, no.

I wasn't supposed to be wearing this. It looks really good on you, honestly. It

really suits you.

It does what?

Well, it's your colour, isn't it?

It looks really nice.

Do you know what I dreaded? You'll laugh when I tell you, but all the way here I

was thinking, oh, God, I hope it's not the little black dress disappearing up

the bum.

I'll put the kettle on, shall I?

Your old classroom, Trace.

Did it bring back memories?

Yeah. I want to go home.

Are you kidding?

I only had one plate of sarnies.

Sorry, I didn't realise the reunion was between you and a plate of curled up

bread. For God's sake, we're here now. Cheer up, will you?

Why? I mean, look at them.

What's happened to them all?

Life, Tracey.

It does that to some people.

It ain't done that to us.

No, that's true.

You're still the same chirpy little smiling... All right, all right.

But please, it don't get any worse than this.

Want to bet?

Tracey!

Oh, no, Roxy Roxy.

I was hoping you'd be here.

I was just going. Isn't that right, Shell?

No, no, we just got here. Yeah.

Tracey, I just heard about Daryl going down again.

Aye, aye.

It ain't funny.

No, I mean, aye, aye.

Know what I mean?

No.

He means aye, aye.

I'll leave you two to have a little chat.

Must be a lot you want to talk about, if you know what I mean.

Happy reunion, Poxy. See you at the next one.

Begging for it.

Sharon.

Yes? Sharon O 'Reilly.

No. Oh.

You sure?

Well, fairly.

Billy Parker, isn't it?

No.

supposed to be here to organise all this.

Maybe she stopped off to ram someone's head through some railings.

Maybe she heard you were there and bottled out.

Maybe she heard you were there and stopped off at a funeral parlour to get

the right mood.

When you look back, it seems crazy, doesn't it?

Do you remember all that hiding? All those secret meetings? All the mad

Couldn't keep our hands off each other. Always ripping each other's clothes off.

Oh, I'm glad that's all over.

Oh, what a relief.

Phew. The age difference used to be exciting. Now it's... Well, it's better

It's reassuring.

Oh, yes.

Who needs all that excitement?

No, at my age, I have to be careful.

I've had to stop watching Channel 4.

Oh, by the way, thank you for the present.

The slippers are lovely.

You still know how to treat a girl.

They must have set you back a bit.

Firm pays.

Perks for customers.

Oh. Oh, lovely.

Sincere regards to head office.

Not too small, I hope. No, don't worry.

As I get older, I'll shrink into them.

And look how they go with your housecoat.

We must be psychic.

Yes, you and the housecoat both.

So, shall I get it out, then?

I'm sorry, am I losing the thread here?

Only I left it in the van downstairs.

The van?

Yes. Well, no point dragging it all the way up here unless you wanted a

demonstration.

Oh, the shampooer.

Of course.

What was all that talk on the phone about your bedroom carpet not getting

treatment it used to?

Nothing, nothing.

And you sounded dead keen when we were talking about the nozzles and

and what they did.

Yes, yes.

And what was all that about the foam and the gels?

We can't afford one, all right? I've looked at the books and it's out of the

question.

Oh.

Well, that's a disappointment.

Well, isn't that a bit like life?

Look, could you just... I mean, shouldn't you get that to your wife?

I mean, she'll get the wrong idea.

Oh, no, it's okay. I explained to her. I said, don't worry about Dorian. She's

just an old... Yes.

Spare me the classification.

Dorian, you're not upset.

Upset?

Only, as long as you're not offended.

Because it would be really good if we could be friends. I mean, everyone needs

an older person to relate to.

Someone to turn to and, you know. Yes.

To tell your troubles to.

A sort of mother figure.

No.

More than that.

A grandmother figure.

Don't be silly, Dorian. We can be good friends.

Oh, Luke.

Do you really mean that?

Because old people need young friends, too.

Well, of course.

I mean, what if I had a fall and couldn't get up? Who would I phone?

And yes, I am feeding myself at the moment, but... I'm bound to need help at

some point.

I mean, a home helps and council carers are nice, but, well... There's nothing

like a friend, is there?

No. Oh, Luke, I'm... I'm so glad we met up again. You will leave your number

before you go. It'll be a tremendous relief to know that you're there. I do

in Gants Hill. Oh, Luke, I will be in Utens, I promise. I'll only phone you if

it's important.

I mean, you would come and help me look for my teeth, wouldn't you?

I suppose I would. And you would be there for me. You know, those awful

when you just can't lift yourself off the toilet.

Yes. Oh, Luke, you've no idea what this means to me.

You've just made an old woman very happy.

Tracy. Yeah?

Tracy O 'Reilly.

No. Yeah.

You've got a sister called Sharon.

Yeah. Got married to a rasta.

No, a Greek.

Got banged up for our robbery.

Yeah. With your Darren.

Daryl. No, Darren. It was definitely Darren. We was in the same school

What, here? Woodbury Down?

Woodbury Down?

Bloody hell, I'm at the wrong reunion.

I want to go home.

Missing the Antiques Roadshow.

You ain't there. So?

It's better than this.

Don't look now, but it's about to get worse.

Tracy, we meet again.

It's fate, babe. Pure fate.

Just leave her alone, all right? Me and Tracy got something in common.

Everyone we know's got something in common. We got common in common.

We could be good together, Tracy.

We could make music.

I don't want to be in a band.

Now, shut up.

No, Tracy, you're a babe. You're a babe. Hear me out. You never give me a

chance.

Let me make you an offer you can't refuse.

All right, then. Go on.

Er, can I come back to you on that?

Oh,

for God's sake, cut yourself up, you stupid woman.

He didn't ache for you.

Not even a twinge.

I mean, a quick migraine might have been something.

Boy, have you lost it.

Somewhere between Sainsbury's and the bank.

You have completely lost it.

I mean, come on, let's face it.

Not even your carpet got a good seeing to.

wants to share a dirty secret with me shall the dead rat in his wife runs I

never it was just a bit of hosepipe send her away Tracy she's a

turnoff you're cramping his style shall that's right come on babe we've done all

the way you must be man

I have this fantasy.

Want to wear it?

No. No?

Oh, cool. Oh, babe.

You ain't half a tease.

Well, the fantasy is this.

I go to the big cupboard in the old classroom.

I open it, and there you are, totally naked.

Good job you passed by.

Could have caught me deaf.

Hey.

All right.

I admit it.

I've always had the yachts for you, poxy.

I knew it.

I must be psychotic.

Except the fantasy is you waiting naked for me.

In the cupboard?

In the cupboard.

You and me.

So get in there.

Get your kit off and I'll slip away as soon as I can.

You wouldn't wind me up, would you?

Of course I wouldn't, Poxy.

You'd be like a coiled spring.

You'd be dangerous.

You're right.

I would.

I'd be lethal.

Right, babes.

Mr Dangerous will be waiting.

What has his brain seen to?

Who would you ring?

Rent a queue or dine a rod.

How are you, Marge? How are you doing?

Do you know that, Trace?

Marge, how are you? Marge, how are you?

This is it.

The moment has come.

No violence, remember?

No violence.

Trace, this is the woman who made me a victim. Who gave me an inferiority

complex. Stopped me from feeling myself.

Gave you greasy hair, athlete's foot. Oh, and your addiction to Jamie Dodgers.

Well, go on then. You might as well blame her for everything.

Come on, Marjorie Harris.

I'm ready for you.

Revenge is sweet.

Joyce. Joyce, I want to go home. No, you're not.

Get me out of here. No, you've got things to say. I ain't. I ain't. Yes,

have. You've been telling me for days. So go on, tell her. Tell her how she's

made you a victim.

Shut up.

Filling yourself.

Oh, I think I'm going to faint.

Go on, then.

Oh, I can't.

Open up, I command thee!

Sharon! Sharon Rackham!

Archie!

Archie Harris!

How are you doing?

Me? Doing?

Brilliant. Fantastic.

Hello, Trace.

Done all sorts of things. Whatever I wanted.

Stayed well, stayed happy. Had a charmed life, really.

Oh, I'm glad. I've often thought of you.

And Tracy, innit? Yeah, how are you, love?

Fine. Well, mustn't grumble, eh? Ah, mustn't grumble, eh?

Eh? No, no, mustn't grumble.

Smile when the world smiles with you, eh? Eh?

Well, that's right, Sharon.

That's my philosophy too. Take what the world has to sling at you.

As long as you can have a good laugh and get a good scene too, eh?

Eh?

Yeah, yeah.

Here, Sharon.

I remembered something the other day.

Yeah? Yeah. Remember that playtime I tracked you in a dustbin?

Me? Oh, yeah.

I'd completely forgotten about that.

Oh, we had some laughs, didn't we?

A million playtimes, a million laughs.

I always said that Sharon may be fat and gullible, but at least she's a sport.

That's me, all right.

Some people are grudges, you know, but not you, Sharon.

No, no, not me, eh, Tracey?

Eh? Here, have you tried the cake?

You look like a cake person.

I made it myself.

Go on, there's plenty more.

Right, I'll catch you both later.

Bye. I'll be in here. See you.

Well,

don't that just serve you right. I hope you're pleased with yourself.

There's always someone worse off than you. You can't go blaming other people

everything that happens.

do they, Sharon?

You're still as gullible as ever.

I've got a bloody kiddo, Sharon!

Don't make a show of yourself!

No! No!

Oh, I think you've had enough of the door reunion there, have you? I see.

Dorian, what are you doing here?

You're left to wait.

Come on, let's do the West End. The night is young, but hopefully not that

young.

Poisoning's on me.

What's happened to your date?

Oh, how could I describe it?

Two souls swam out of the park, danced momentarily in the ether, before

disappearing into the deepening well of memory.

You didn't get laid, then?

From now on, I wouldn't touch a man under 35.

Well, maybe just a touch.

Come on, I need some cool air.

Sounds like your reunion was as good as ours.

How would you describe yours?

Hoxie!

Sharon and Tracy think they've got problems with their neighbour. There's

undiluted grief in half an hour for which there seems no escape.

Neighbours at War on BBC One.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0