Original subtitles

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Do you have to do that?

No.

I wish you'd stop gutting those things. You get through more rubbish than a

waste disposal unit.

These are not rubbish.

These contain the two most important food groups.

Chocolate and biscuit.

Here it is. Our new business.

Domestic cleaning.

No job too small.

That'd be my speciality.

The small jobs in the cleaner houses.

Come on, shall.

In a couple of months, this could be a lean, mean cleaning machine.

We've got one job.

We've got a fax.

Oh, well, we can't fail then, can we?

I'll find the financial time, shall I?

Essex girls call city jitters with fax and feather duster.

Do you have to put a downer on everything?

I mean, I'll be doing this pregnant. You don't hear me moaning. With a bit of

enthusiasm, the sky's the limit.

Domestic cleaning.

Can't you think of a better name than that?

Well, I was thinking about birds of a feather.

No, I know.

Maids of Onga.

Do you get it? Like maids of honour, except for we live near Onga.

Oh, right.

It's good, isn't it?

That's great, Trace.

It's like a joke.

And it's like the funny part.

Well, our first days on the job go. That wasn't too bad, was it?

Yeah, joyful.

Two hours of dusting, overing and polishing.

I smell like a sideboard on the Antiques Roadshow.

We need the wonga.

I don't feel too clever, Trace.

I've got a temperature.

I'm sweating like a glassblower's arse.

Yeah, yeah.

Trace, I think I'm going down with something.

I don't think I'm going to work tomorrow.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no. We've been over this. You are not getting out of it.

if I'm ill?

I am not doing Mrs. Hackett's on me, Todd.

50 -50 down the middle, you said.

If you think I'm working my fingers to the bone while you play the English

patient... Hello.

What's that?

Oh, Sharon.

You smell like you've just been rogered by Mr. Sheen.

Well, how did the cleaning go?

Well, good, good. I had to come round and tell you about my afternoon.

A three -hour session with Rupert.

Energy channeling and crystal healing. The power of the crystal energises

parts of the body.

You could tape one to your forehead, Sharon.

You're a bit old age for new age, aren't you?

I'm only six years older than Tracy.

In what, dog years?

Maybe you could beam some energy over in Sharon's direction.

She could certainly do with it.

What's the matter with her?

This? Pacifica haven't got all night.

She's ill.

What an odour.

I'm weak, listless, useless.

Well, yes, I know all about that, but traces don't come about you being ill.

She's always been the same.

Any excuse to get out of grafting.

Do you know what her nickname was at school?

Thicko?

No. Dimwit?

No. Moron? No.

Numbskull? Just tell her, will you?

Sick note.

Children can be so cruel.

It was the headmaster who called her that.

Why don't I give you a session of crystal healing? You'll be completely

revitalised.

It's all about relaxing, focusing, being peaceful.

Good dream, Mum. I need the car.

No. Oh, come on, Mum. I need it to go round to Emma's.

No, I need it for work tomorrow. Anyway, why can't Emma come round here?

Because my room's decorated like a nursery.

You try getting someone in the mood when you've got noddy and big ears grinning

at you.

And there's that wooden scene above my headboard.

I feel uncomfortable with fairies in my bedroom.

I would have thought you'd get used to that in catering college.

Excuse, Mum.

All right.

But I want it back in time for work tomorrow.

Thank you, Mum.

I'm up for this crystal healing, Lark.

Lying about is what I'm good at.

It's no good if you don't take it seriously.

I will.

I've got a lot of time for these alternative...

What's it?

Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Right.

You have to fast for 12 hours beforehand and then you fast again for 12 hours

afterwards. Stop that.

I'm going to kill that son of mine.

Come on, we're late already.

Give a sit.

Yes, ma 'am. No, ma 'am.

This is worse than Tenko.

Disney Trace, we should have got a cab.

A cab would cost more than our wages.

At least we'll have arrived nice and comfy.

I've got to have a rest, Trace. You're trying it on with the wrong person. I

know all the dodgies. I remember them from school.

But this is real this time, honest.

Oh, yeah.

It's like when you fake that blackout in games so you won't have to climb the

rope.

Hackett already caught you having 40 winks in her walk -in wardrobe

I ain't giving her any more expenses to get a shot of us.

Best behaviour today, I mean it.

Morning.

Morning, Mrs Hackett.

She's a rotten cow, that Mrs Hackett.

She weren't very sympathetic, was she?

She employed us to make her life easier. And she ends up driving us home from

rush hour traffic.

How would you feel having to help your home help home?

It's not my fault.

Yes, it is.

You heard what the doctor said. He thought I had nothing wrong with you.

Lifestyle, he said.

I have a very active lifestyle.

Shuffling down to mags and fags for 20 bensons and a video doesn't count as

exercise.

I'm ill, Trace. You're not being fair.

I'm not in the mood to be fair.

I suppose this means I've got to go and work on my own tomorrow.

I don't believe you.

I can't risk going, Trace. Not in my condition.

In your condition?

What about me?

I'm pregnant.

You only look pregnant.

What's going on?

I saw you and an angry -looking woman hauling Sharon out of a Volvo.

Are you all right, Sharon?

I'm feeling a bit better now, Dawn.

Thanks for asking.

Good. Because I want to take you both out tonight.

The fantastic new wine bar I found. It's very arty. The Vincent Van Gogh.

I want to show the world that I've still got it. That I'm still top.

Dog.

Draw.

I could do with a night out. Get me away from this place.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll make a nice change.

I thought you were ill.

I'm ill, not terminal.

The doctor said I should relax.

I'm never more relaxed than when I've got a drink in me hand.

Well, if you're well enough to go boozing, you're well enough to go to

tomorrow. Oh, oh, oh, dizzy spell.

I'd better give it a miss.

Excuse me, Ralph Harris.

What do you think you're playing at?

I told you, I'm redecorating.

Oh, no, you're not.

You can't just swan in here and start changing everything without a word to

And see these?

You might as well keep these.

What, you're not bothering to go in today?

Listen, Mum, you're never going to get this business off the ground if you

taking days off. We've been in and come back again.

Sharon was ill and Mrs Hackett had to drive us home.

You said you'd be back last night.

I'd like to stay at Emma's.

I mean, we can hardly play Trains and Tunnels in Dingley Dell, can we?

Well, pardon me for not running the best little whorehouse in Essex.

I'll put in a red light bulb and a vibrating bed, shall I?

I'm sorry, Mum, but this place just doesn't feel like it's mine.

That's because it isn't. It's the nursery.

You never said you intended living here.

Did you arm a big boy in our speech and buggered off to France?

Where the hell am I supposed to go?

Don't you start bleeding swearing at me, my boy. I'm still your mother.

I run this place single -handed and all you and Sharon do is take the

proverbial. You're both the same.

Lazy and spoilt.

Hang on a minute. I'm independent, me.

Independent? Don't make me laugh. I'll still iron your pants.

Well, not anymore.

I've had it up to here.

Get a job, get a place to live, and for God's sake, grow up.

I'd like to become a healer myself.

You know, all the best people are into it. I don't know why you're so

Because it's just getting felt up to music, that's why.

You can do that here.

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

It actually covers a whole range of subjects.

Alternative religion, self -choice in medicine, euthanasia. Why in Asia?

wrong with the youth in this country?

Not youth.

in Asia. I know, Dora. I'm only kidding.

Not all blondes are dumb.

Not all blondes are blonde.

It's good to get out that ass.

It's claustrophobic after Dallentrace.

And what with Cheryl's stunt state. I mean, you should have seen her. She hit

the ground like a face. Aren't you worried?

She's milking it.

She'll be back to normal tomorrow.

Yeah, but what if she's really ill?

She never takes any exercise. All that junk she eats every time I see her.

Cheesy wotsits.

Sherbet lemons.

crisps. She looks like the pick and mix stand at Woolworths.

Binging's just Sharon's way.

Always has been.

But I ain't standing for it. Times are hard.

I've got no time for a lame duck.

Ooh, I have.

That was rhyming slang, wasn't it?

Losing your touch, dog. Don't be ridiculous.

Well, maybe I should give Sharon some crystal healing.

You'd only encourage her. And besides... What?

Come on, Dor.

You're not really serious about this crystal boy.

I am!

It's all part of the new me.

Dor, it's cobblers.

We're always having these little interests.

And they always turn out to be just another complicated way of you getting

end away.

You fancy them a sewer, do you? Trying to impress him? How dare you? Of course

not! I give 100 % to all my interests, all of them.

Exactly. There's a new one every week.

You've had one fancy back rub, and now you think you can cure Sharon of

something she hasn't even got in the first place.

Can I buy you a drink, babe?

White wine would be lovely.

You're not going to have a drink with me in your condition.

You're the one with the crystal balls, you tell me.

My name's Dorian, gin and tonic.

My mouthy companion is called Tracy.

No, really, she is.

I think it's a lovely name.

Hello, Tracy.

I'm Danny.

Nice to meet you, Danny.

So, what's on your mind, Danny?

I was just thinking, there's some cracking birds in here.

Birds? A bit sexy, isn't it? Oh, not really.

Birds are beautiful.

Exotic creatures of many different varieties.

Exactly. Don't be so stuffy, Tracy.

What kind am I, then?

A lovely, elegant swan.

And what about me?

Thrush.

Where you be?

Oh, just trying to sort out what I laughingly call a life.

Mum's been pointing out my deficiencies.

You think I'm spoiled, shall?

Snut angel baby.

Come sit next to Auntie Sharon and have a nice bicky.

You ain't the only one that's suffering, you know.

I collapsed at work today.

Precious little sympathy, I've got a fur.

I mean, I know things are changing, that. No, it's not just that.

She's got odd.

Why don't you two put the city outside?

You could earn a fortune selling the big issue.

How are you, Sharon?

Better, Sharon.

How was it?

Terrible.

Katie flirted with this awful man.

Her behaviour was outrageous.

Translation, she pulled, you didn't.

It's not that. She's changed.

She's so forceful.

She poo -pooed my kind offer of help.

She implied that I was superficial and that you... or a dishonest idle lump.

Oh, Charlie.

I mean, what's happened?

She used to be so... so vacant.

I miss that.

We all do.

And it might be her hormones, what with the baby and everything.

Oh, please.

My hormones have been up and down like a fat man on a trampoline. This is

different.

Gloria, I've been telling you about my disgraceful behaviour because someone

fancied me more than her.

What? nasty to her.

Ain't it enough you're picking on me?

I am not picking on anyone.

I'm just saying she's brassed off at me for getting chatted up.

She said she had a headache.

Bet it's the first time you've used that line, Dorian.

She's just jealous.

I am not.

I would never throw myself at a man the way you did.

You? Never throw yourself at a man.

You'd fire yourself out of a cannon if you could get your helmet over your wig.

apologise for my sister Dorian.

She's become somewhat callous of late.

Callous? How dare you?

I'm the only one trying to earn any money in this house.

I've got you skiving, I've got little old Fauntleroy here, and now you're

with a walking mattress because someone paid me a bit of attention.

At least this woman sympathises with my troubles, while my own sister calls me a

liar. I am not getting into this.

I understand, Sharon. Really, I do.

Maybe I should give you that session of crystal healing.

Thanks, Dawn.

That's very kind.

It's hurtful when your own family turn their back on you.

I'm just grateful that I've got a true friend.

Oh, I get it.

It's my new best friend time.

Little orphan Annie and Florence bleeding nightingale.

Now, you need to be completely receptive to this treatment.

Have you cleared all your passages, as I asked?

Blimey schnoz, had a tinkle, done me hands on knees and squeeze.

And I thought it was past my lips for the last 12 hours. How did you manage

that? Went to bed early.

OK, now, relax.

Sharon, you're fidgeting.

Bit funny being massaged by a woman.

A bit, you know, Brookside.

Oh, for goodness sake. Take.

Physical contact isn't a sexual thing.

Touch is a vital human need.

Though I can guarantee if I was that way inclined, there's no way that you would

be my type.

Oh, thanks.

Who would be your type, then? What?

Come on.

Who would be your type? Use your imagination.

Well, I don't know. I mean, I've thought about it.

Someone rich, of course.

And powerful.

Judy Finnegan.

Dear God, no.

Janice Trey Porter.

She's powerful. Loves nature.

Despite what it did to her.

Must be a whole different world.

No men around to let you down.

A world where the toilet seat is never up.

Who would you go shopping with?

No football.

No willy.

What about you? Who would you go for?

Exact opposite of Chris, I suppose.

I've always fancied being with someone really intelligent.

Carol Volderman.

these years and I never knew that you secretly fancy Carol Vorderman.

I'd be daft, oh.

That's the trouble with men.

You can't live with them.

You can't push them down the stairs.

Well, I know I can't live without them.

Half the Royal Marines know you can't live without them.

But to me, knowing you two are having such a laugh while I'm working my aris

at Mrs. Hackett... Tracy, please.

You are ruining the atmosphere.

It'll all be worth it when Sharon's karma is rearranged. Yeah, well, I can

rearrange her karma right now. And I don't need any soft lighting to do it,

neither.

What's that noise?

It's chill -out music for relaxation.

The sound of whales making.

I should have recognised him. My second daughter, Sharon, for the last nine

years.

Hi.

I feel good.

I knew that I would.

Do you want to come and see, Trace?

I feel... It's a miracle.

It walks. It walks.

It talks and it's ready to rumble.

I feel terrific, Trace. I can't believe it. Dorian sorted me out.

I read that on a car. He walked.

What did she do?

You saw?

Massage, bit of smelly stuff, crystals, whales having it all. Bob's your uncle.

Can't eat nothing, though, till tomorrow.

Maids of Ongar, no job too small.

We do big jobs.

Hello, Mrs Hackett.

I'm sorry about yesterday.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

OK, then. Bye.

Miss Hackett, delighted with our work.

My work? Yeah, whatever.

She wants to come to discuss some business. She owns a restaurant and

cleaners. She wants to come round tomorrow night at six.

Brilliant. Now, we need to show her that we're reliable.

You can put your newfound energy to the test here. I want this place spotless.

Don't you worry, Trace.

By the time I'm finished, this place will be so clean, Michael Jackson could

off the floor.

I feel good.

I knew that I would.

I feel fine.

What you eating?

Oh, you haven't touched that food for a second.

Sherbet lemons.

But especially to celebrate my recovery.

You've been stuffing rubbish all day.

I fasted for 24 hours, Trace. I woke up, I felt like Karen Carpenter.

I need to get my blood sugar up.

Your blood sugar must be sky high already.

It's Dracula, but you'd get diabetes.

What do you reckon?

Oh, shall.

You amaze me.

Told you I'd come through, didn't I?

I feel shattered now, though. I'd better have a sit down.

I see there's some of the old showering left in there.

Shall. Thanks.

I'm sorry, Chase. I know you've been working hard.

I'm going to do my share from now on. I promise.

Right. Now, we have to look reliable.

Remember, if she says anything about the black hats, they're very rare.

Hello, Mrs Hackett.

Don't worry, Mum.

The hospital were worried. They wouldn't have kept her in otherwise.

What is epilepsy?

Or diabetes?

I feel so guilty for not believing her. My own sister.

Stop worrying.

Anyway, about me moving out. Not now, Garfield. I've got an headache.

I'm going to get me paracetamol.

Mother in, or can I relax?

Oh, moving out.

Can't say I blame you the mood she's been in. I'm just getting a few things

together. She's got a lot to deal with at the moment.

Did you want something?

Come to see my patient. My first success as a healer.

Let me see her and rejoice.

Your first success is in the hospital.

Mum had to drive her there after she collapsed.

Collapsed? What's the matter with her?

They're doing tests.

Nothing to do with my treatment, was it?

Who knows?

I think meddling is something you know nothing about. It's very dangerous.

Yeah, but I didn't do anything.

It had just been a massage.

A little bit of mango -smelling stuff from the body shop.

You know, crystals.

I mean, I... Your negligence might well have just landed Sharon in the hospital.

I wouldn't be surprised if she sued.

Sued?

She can't.

Could be very expensive.

Oh, my God.

She wouldn't.

She might.

What would I do? She could clean me out. She could get my penthouse.

This is on Sharon.

We're doing tests.

But you can't pin this on me.

She insisted on the treatment. I warned her about the side effects.

Side effects?

What are you talking about?

You say you made her ill.

Oh, very clever. You can't get me to admit anything. If she wants to sue, let

her go ahead.

Sue for what?

Well, I don't know. Who am I? Rumpole of the Bailey?

She's not getting a penny from me. If she wants a fight... Dorian, Sharon

going to be suing anyone.

She's not dead.

Here she is now.

What did they say?

They reckon I've got some sort of allergy.

To what?

Don't know.

Wait for the results of the test. They're going to fax me.

I'm sorry for not believing you. I'll make it up to you, I promise.

You sit down, put your feet up and I'll make you a nice cup of tea. I don't want

to be no bother, Charlie. Oh, it's no bother. I'm just glad to have my younger

sister home.

Oh, it's nice to have you back.

Shall.

Thanks, Doc.

This, um, allergy.

Nothing to do with my treatment, was it?

Dunno. They said not to rule anything out.

I'll make you a nice little bed up on the sofa. You can watch a bit of telly.

Great. Why don't you go home and get some magazines and bring them round?

Thanks, Doc.

And some of that posh peppermint foot cream that you use.

I could do with a nice long foot rub.

I'd be delighted.

Find your way round the verrucas, all right?

You OK, Dor?

Bit of a weak stomach.

The smell of peppermint.

When you combine it with your, er, feet.

It's just very unusual.

Pungent.

You can read me that Jane Seymour interview now.

I'll just go and wash my hands first.

Oh, must be the facts from the hospital.

What's this say, Trace?

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

What is it, Trace?

You'd better sit down.

I am sitting down.

Can't be that bad, can it?

You've got an allergy.

A very serious allergy.

It's all the chemicals in the cleaning stuff I've been using.

I told you I was allergic to cleaning, didn't I?

No, it's an E number.

An E number that's in sweets, biscuits, crisps.

rubbish. Are you saying this is nothing to do with me?

That I have been rubbing her swollen, disgusting, gnarled feet because of her

piggish overeating?

That's it.

Give me that.

Give me my herbal pillow.

I'm going home now to soak my hands in a bowl of Chanel No.

5. And then I'm going to attempt to remove your dead, festering skin.

that is lodged underneath my fingernail.

This is all self -inflicted. Get up.

Come on up.

You cunning mare.

You had the strength to sniff these out, didn't you?

Not me sherbet lemons, Trace. I ain't got enough. They're natural.

Grow on little sherbet lemon bushes in the Tuscany hills one day.

all this rubbish, mate. Look at it all. Fig rolls, Swiss rolls, pancake rolls.

Everything I eat's on there.

This is terrible.

It's worse than you think. Look, this is paid one of 50.

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