All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s08e01 Trouble and Strife

Picking starts.

You? Up and down.

Here, Trace, you'll never guess what's
happened.

My bed's only gone a -broke.

I reckon you did it when you stood in it
to change that light bulb.

Really?

Well, not to worry, eh? These things
happen.

Especially when you and Gregory use it
as a trampoline.

Look, it weren't planned, Trace.

He only came in for a coffee.

Which would account for all the
grinding.

But it's no big deal.

I'll sleep with you till we can afford a
new one.

All right.

You ain't top of my list of sleeping
partners either.

The extra expense.

We just about get behind the rent we get
from Dallentrace.

I've got a baby on the way.

We're never going to manage with four
mams to feed.

We won't be for...

by the time the baby's here. I know
that.

You were counting me as two, weren't
you?

I keep telling you there's nothing to
worry about.

Before little Sharon's born, you wish.

Whatever made me decide.

All right, you decide.

I won't be like Daryl.

You can depend on me.

I'm going to get a job.

Change the record.

Look, I am trying.

It's not easy, you know.

While the rest of the world's zooming
along on the information superhighway,

I've broken down on the hard shoulder of
ignorance.

Where did you read that?

Posted down the job centre.

Maybe I could do a college course. Go
back to school? Yeah, you'd love that.

Bunking off and sticking new kids' heads
down the toilet.

I'd like to think I've grown up a bit in
the last 20 years.

Ed, did I have playtimes at college?

Oh, come on, Garth. I need you to excite
me.

It's too prosaic.

Well, how far do you want me to go?

Dice giant panda on sticks?

They're an endangered species.

Isn't it exhilarating?

Come white rhino, be frittered.

Okay, I'll get the pity door. You want
me to be bold? And beyond. I want you to

don your culinary wings and fly.

Hang the expense. Money's only a trifle.
Oh, you're having trifle?

That's nice.

Make sure you have hundreds and
thousands of hundreds and thousands.

I mean, a trifle's not a trifle without
hundreds and thousands.

Mum, Dorian's not having trifle at her
party.

Why? Because I'm holding it in Chigwell,
not Trumpton.

This event is my relaunch onto the
social scene as a vibrant single woman.

sugars, please.

I intend to become Joanne of the party
circuit.

The hostess with the mostest.

A whole new beginning for me, Tracy. No
more than that.

It's a complete life lift.

Probably the only thing about you that
hasn't been lifted.

Well, her knees are her own.

Lyrical. The amount of time she's spent
on them.

Rather snide, Tracy.

If it weren't for the fact that I can
see most of the firewall, I could have

sworn Sharon was in the room.

Legally. Up.

My legs are playing me up.

God knows how my body's going to cope
with pregnancy at my age.

I'd better get the lot this time.

Piles. Varicose veins.

Bleeding gums.

Ulcers. Their assert.

Ulcerated legs running our family.

And it's all... Yeah, men's fault, I
know.

Look, I promise to cut myself when I
shave, OK?

Anyway, isn't Sharon supposed to be
helping you carry this load?

So she says. She's supposed to be
getting a job, but no sign yet.

Well, I could offer a job. I need a
cleaner.

No, I'm not being patronising. I'm
desperate.

I am finding it impossible to replace
Mrs Williams.

It's so inconsiderate of her to leave me
in the lurch after 18 years and just

before my party.

And I thought we were more than
employer, employee. I thought we were

I thought she died.

Mrs. Williams?

Did she?

You told me.

Oh, do you know, I really can't
remember.

Whatever.

All right, Sal.

Dorian's just offered you a job.

Cleaning.

Calm down.

I'm only trying to be helpful.

I'd make a change.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Maybe you should think about it.

No need.

I've got a job.

Have you?

Well done. Doing what?

In an abattoir.

You mean in the office of an abattoir?

No, portering.

Look.

I've got an overall.

If I get that bit, what I don't get is
why you're so happy about it.

Well, money's not bad.

And I like working with animals.

Dead ones.

I didn't say it was perfect.

What about mad care disease?

Well, yes, you could infect whole herds.

All right.

Nice there, slaughterhouse.

and say meat is murder, they are not
wrong.

I tell you, them dead cows I've been
lugging about all day are killing my

Garthy, is there a chef's trick for
getting blood out from under your nails?

Yeah, washing works.

I don't know how you can work in that
place.

It's gruesome.

No more gruesome than the meat freezer
at Sainsbury's.

there for your best bit of topside.

Just because they're chopped up and
wrapped in polyphen, it don't change the

fact that they were once cute little moo
cows.

Happily wandering around a sunlit field,
chewing of a cud, seconds before a

butcher's knife struck.

Right, that's it. I'm going vegetarian.

Here, Mum, taste this.

Mmm, delicious.

What is it?

Tenderised chunks of venison wrapped in
succulent slices of parma ham.

Stop it. Lentils could never taste that
good.

Oh! I nearly forgot.

Payday.

Here's your handkerchief, mate.

Ah. We're starting to carry on like a
proper married couple, aren't we?

More than most.

And we actually sleep together.

You could say I'm the man of the house.

Why?

Because I go out to work.

So, heard of house husbands?

I have to get the spiders out of the
bath.

I can change a plug.

I scratch more than you.

What's the rubbish there?

I've got a hairy chest.

We're only having a laugh.

What does it matter who's the man?

Plenty. 21 years I was married.

Just for once, I'd like to be the lazy,
selfish one who dictates to all and

sundry and live the life of Riley.

Excuse me.

Can I just point out that there's
actually a pair of testicles standing

cooking you two dinner?

I'm talking about most men, darling.
You'll be different.

I won't be like that with us, Trace.

I may be the breadwinner, but...

set up won't be like a marriage. No.

It'll be based on mutual respect and
consideration.

Sorry, Cher.

I'm just being paranoid.

We'll put our feet up after dinner.
There's a Catherine Cookson on the

Actually, I want it to watch football.

Oh, no. Not more sport.

It's not mower racing.

Once you get into it, the lads at work
will talk about it. Oh, the lads at work

watch it. It must be good.

I never got my mates, Trace.

You're not going to be stuck in front of
that all night, are you?

Why don't we go somewhere?

We haven't been out for ages.

Sorry, Trace.

I'm meeting the lads later.

Darts match against another abattoir at
Romford. Why so much for mutual

consideration?

I've got to show my support. It's a
grudge match.

Right bunch of polishers, that Romford
lot.

They're the type that give the mass
slaughter of innocent livestock a bad

Your job, your job. That's all we talk
about.

I'm sorry if it bores you, Trace, but
it's what I do.

You never ask about my day.

You don't give a toss about me stuffing
these four walls.

I'm sorry,

Trace. I'll take you out tomorrow, eh?

Here, babe.

You go and get yourself something nice,
eh?

Ta.

All right.

Got to keep the little woman happy,
ain't I?

Well, then I got involved.

Next one, it's gone 11.

I tried to phone you.

I couldn't get through.

Must be something wrong with the phone.

Dorian managed to get through.

Twice.

Did she?

Must be the fault of mine, then.

Come on, Trace, don't be like this.

a right mug, don't you? You walk out
that door and you don't give a monkey's

about me. As long as your clothes are
washed and ironed, that's what you're

bothered about.

You treat me like an unpaid skivvy.

Don't you dare touch me.

Go on, back out with your mates.

You obviously prefer their company to
mine.

They just click their fingers and you
come running.

What's the attraction, eh?

after night.

That's what I'd like to know because I
could certainly do with some more.

Look, I said I'm sorry. Now stop
nagging.

of a moment about Sharon.

Oh, yes.

Relate is hardly an option in your case,
is it? Well, you'll have to bear with

me while I try on some clothes.

Oh, this is Gary from La Croisette.

He's brought round some frocks so I can
choose one for my party.

I've got a little number that's going to
make you the belle of the ball.

Have you been burgled?

No, Tracy. I have adopted a minimalist
style.

It's painting with a limited palette,
uncomplicated yet chic.

I've decided that from now on, less is
more, though not in everything, if you

know what I mean.

I always know what you mean, doll.

It's a symbol of how I want my life to
be from now on.

No ostentation, just discreet, simple
elegance.

Haven't you got anything with lame?

Right, make yourselves at home and help
yourself to coffee.

Oh, sometimes we have to humour, madam.

Might as well have that coffee while we
wait, you know.

Well, this looks like the kitchen.

God knows how you get into the cupboard.

Maybe we should wait for Dorian. What's
the point? She only uses this place as

an alternative to the bedroom.

Oh!

Well, I guess we keep on pushing until
something interesting pops out.

Bingo. Coffee?

Chardonnay. Oh, I think we dare.

Yeah.

Oh, dear.

I sense a troubled soul.

Believe me, you don't want to know. I
spend every day listening to rich

weeping over the cellulite.

A bit of real life would be a relief.

It's my sister.

We live together, you see, because our
husbands are in prison for armed

No, that was the first time. The second
time they went down for embezzling us

and handling stolen money.

And not before I managed to get myself
pregnant.

God, I thought I was gullible living
with a gas fitter.

What do you think?

I see Lame. I don't see Dorian.

What, too gaudy? Ratner's window
displays gaudy. This could ruin retinas.

By the way, Tracy, that is a £2 ,000
sculpture you're sitting on.

Well, it was a stole.

Two grand, if it'd be more comfortable.

Anyway, where was our gallery?

Your husband's in prison. You're
pregnant and living with your sister.

Tracy, have you no pride?

Telling your life story to a virtual
stranger.

Whereas you just sleep with them.

So, seeing as I'm expecting, we decided
Sharon, that's my sister, should be the

one to go out and get a job, and we'd be
like a proper little family.

In the Lambeth Council sense of the
term.

We were both being girls.

I thought it'd be different.

She's turned into the worst husband in
the world.

What to do about it?

Don't be such a victim, Tracy.

This is Sharon we're talking about, not
some boorish beer -swilling oaf.

Describing it to a T, aren't I? Carry
on.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I've
come to expect men to act like pigs.

Sorry, Gary, no offence.

Oh, I'm not going to defend them.

Gary could tell you stories that would
curl your hair.

Not a good idea with your bone
structure, by the way.

No. Men are a total mystery to me.

The only thing I know for sure is that
they learn what they do from their

fathers. Yes, Marcus certainly took
after his. I once asked his mother if

ever had an orgasm. She said exotic
fruit gave her diarrhoea.

My dad sewed costumes for the Royal
Ballet. He hated me mum and spent all

spare time locked in the attic playing
show tunes.

Never going to be Gazza, was I?

Jennifer Aniston.

Do you think so?

Would look great in that frock.

Martin and Lime Door.

Please. Trust me.

Oh, finally.

Hey, shall we celebrate with a toffle?

Come on, then.

You might have a point about this
learning behaviour.

I mean, Sharon's often treated her the
way a baby treats its nappy.

So maybe that's why she's being so mean
to me.

Fight fire with fire. That's what you've
got to do.

Give her a taste of her own medicine.

Get out gallivanting, girl. Live it up.

I've never really been one for
gallivanting.

OK.

Refuse to cook and clean. Let the cow
wallow in dirt.

You haven't seen her room.

Don't you make her feel at home?

Leave her.

In my lovely home? While I go and live
in some rat -infested B &B?

I'll be showing her, is it? Then tell
her to go.

I can't. I need her.

You can say it. You don't have to mean
it.

I'm not a very good liar.

Well?

Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

I think I'm going to cry.

It's a gorgeous door.

Well, I must admit, it does feel good.

I have to look a million at this party,
but do you think this is the one?

I bet all my Judy Garland CDs on it.

Does it make me look younger?

It knocks years off your door.

I'll take it.

I thought you said you weren't a good
liar.

Oh, good.

You're home early for a change.

No, it's not... Good, actually.

It's not good at all.

Oh, I see.

You'd rather be out boozing with Maureen
and your mates.

Well, I'm telling you, young lady, if
you don't start treating me with a bit

respect, I'm chucking you out.

I mean it. I really, really do. I'm not
lying. No, you don't have to worry.

I can honestly say that I won't be
seeing that much of the lad.

Either at night or during the day, for
that matter.

Why?

The governor sacked me.

Said I weren't suitable.

But you was a porter.

You carried meat and... And that's it.

How can you not be suitable?

Well, did anyone else get the sack?

Don't think so.

Right.

What are you doing?

I'm going to ring your boss and tell him
he can expect a claim for unfair

dismissal. Hold on.

Hold on, Tracey, hang about, hang about.
There was one reason he sort of

mentioned.

Well?

He caught me nicking me.

You idiot!

I only did it for you.

I thought if I could sell it and make a
bit extra, it'd be a better start for

you and the kids.

Cobblers.

That's exactly what Daryl said when he
got sent down.

He tried to blame me and all.

I think you've said you've turned out as
bad as him.

No, you're worse.

Because at least he used to take me out.

I'm sorry, Trace.

I'll make it up to you. I'll get another
job.

Bloody right you will.

Now, get your beady eyes off me, will
you?

This isn't the 1970s.

Employers do have rights, you know.

When I'm finished, you can do your
inspection.

But I can't...

peering over my shoulder. This party is
really important to me, Sharon. It's no

good me looking the epitome of chic if
my home is grubby.

Trust me. By the time I finish this,
you'll be able to see your face in it.

If only you had a reflection.

Bedroom's done. If you'd like to go and
check, ma 'am.

Look, I am the good guy.

I've given you a job, so I would be
grateful if you would both lose the

attitude.

And don't move the furniture.

One centimetre out of place and this
room loses its whole raison d 'etre.

Wouldn't that be a shame?

What's going on, Trace?

Where's all our furniture?

It's called minimalism.

We had that in Edmonton. It's called
being skint.

I don't like it.

I don't like it one little bit.

There's no way to sweep the dirt under.

I can't fault you. I couldn't find a
single speck of dust as I ran my finger

the top of my tall boy.

Have you ever wore yourself out? I'm
fine.

I told you, there's going to be no more
of me sitting at home playing the little

woman. Do you know, I think you both
have a flair for domestic servitude.

I don't know what we do next.

Do we say thank you, or do I slap her?

Trust me, good cleaners are hard to
find. You could make a good living.

Do you really think so, Dawn?

Certainly. You've got the main
qualification.

You're blatantly working class, so
people of quality will feel totally

comfortable patronising you.

Ah, that'll be garth with the food.

Tricky car.

Looks like I read master's right after
all. You always said we'd end up a

of scrubbers.

We're late.

I hate being late.

Thank you.

Keep on your toes while we're here. We
might be able to drum up some cleaning

business from some of Billion's mates.

You go in first. It makes me feel
conscious walking into crowded rooms.

Why isn't it a crowded room?

Oh, more people, thank God.

Hello, Gary.

This is my sister, Sharon.

Oh, I've heard lots about you.

Any of it nice?

Not a word.

Oh, he's fixing our make -up. We've had
tears.

What's happened? Where is everyone?

We just haven't shown.

Poor door.

Maybe it's part of this minimalist kick.

She's cut down on her mates as well.

She's got a cruel tongue, hasn't she?

Who are you?

Excuse me, I've got an osso buco I'm
trying to keep warm.

Don't mention about no one being here.

Don't you think she might notice?

You look lovely, door.

Food looks lovely.

Champagne's lovely.

Thank you.

So, where are all your mates then?

of reasons why no one's turned up.

Maybe they've all got the wrong address.

Or the wrong day.

Or maybe they've all turned Muslim and
packed up drinking.

Now look what you've done.

Me?

So much for our chance of drawing up a
bit of business.

Gary, I don't suppose you need some
cleaners, do you?

With two gay men living in a flat, do
you think dust has a chance to settle?

That'll be them. You go and let them in
and I'll go and get door back.

At last.

Excuse me. On your own, are you? Well,
never mind.

I'm pleased to see you. Right, there's
the champagne. There's plenty of food in

there. In you go.

So, where are all the others? Did they
get lost?

Or are you playing a practical joke on
the old train?

Oh, look.

Look who it is. It's, um... Sorry, who
are you?

I'm an electrician working in number 42.

Here. Anyone drive a P -Rage Polo? Only
it's blocking me in.

If anyone knocks me, I'll be on the
terrace.

Party's over, girl.

Give the food to the homeless.

On your way, freeloader.

Can't I finish my drink?

Oh, don't tell me. You're a plumber to
come and check the dot clock.

You can check out my pipework any time.

He's not a plumber, he's a gas fitter.

My gas fitter.

It's every girl's worst nightmare, isn't
it?

You invite everyone to a party, nobody
comes.

It reminds me of Janice Hogger.

Do you remember, Trace?

She threw this 19th birthday party and
the whole gang we used to hang about

decided not to go.

It's only tonight I realise just how bad
she must have felt knowing she was that

unpopular.

There's no need to feel bad.

Yes, there is, Trace.

We must have destroyed that girl.

No, we didn't.

We went to her party.

We just told you we weren't going.

It was you who was unpopular.

Don't let them get to you. If I can let
you down that badly, they're not the

sort of friends worth having. Yeah,
well, they weren't really my friends at

I've been deluding myself.

All those mousy little wives, probably
scared I'm going to sleep with their

husbands.

I thought you already had.

Well, yes, but they don't know that.

Well, we're not leaving you here to mope
the night away.

You can come home with us.

No, really.

No, no, I insist.

I'll sleep on the sofa, you can go in
with Shell.

Just when you think life can't get any
worse.