Original subtitles

Picking starts.

You? Up and down.

Here, Trace, you'll never guess what's happened.

My bed's only gone a -broke.

I reckon you did it when you stood in it to change that light bulb.

Really?

Well, not to worry, eh? These things happen.

Especially when you and Gregory use it as a trampoline.

Look, it weren't planned, Trace.

He only came in for a coffee.

Which would account for all the grinding.

But it's no big deal.

I'll sleep with you till we can afford a new one.

All right.

You ain't top of my list of sleeping partners either.

The extra expense.

We just about get behind the rent we get from Dallentrace.

I've got a baby on the way.

We're never going to manage with four mams to feed.

We won't be for...

by the time the baby's here. I know that.

You were counting me as two, weren't you?

I keep telling you there's nothing to worry about.

Before little Sharon's born, you wish.

Whatever made me decide.

All right, you decide.

I won't be like Daryl.

You can depend on me.

I'm going to get a job.

Change the record.

Look, I am trying.

It's not easy, you know.

While the rest of the world's zooming along on the information superhighway,

I've broken down on the hard shoulder of ignorance.

Where did you read that?

Posted down the job centre.

Maybe I could do a college course. Go back to school? Yeah, you'd love that.

Bunking off and sticking new kids' heads down the toilet.

I'd like to think I've grown up a bit in the last 20 years.

Ed, did I have playtimes at college?

Oh, come on, Garth. I need you to excite me.

It's too prosaic.

Well, how far do you want me to go?

Dice giant panda on sticks?

They're an endangered species.

Isn't it exhilarating?

Come white rhino, be frittered.

Okay, I'll get the pity door. You want me to be bold? And beyond. I want you to

don your culinary wings and fly.

Hang the expense. Money's only a trifle. Oh, you're having trifle?

That's nice.

Make sure you have hundreds and thousands of hundreds and thousands.

I mean, a trifle's not a trifle without hundreds and thousands.

Mum, Dorian's not having trifle at her party.

Why? Because I'm holding it in Chigwell, not Trumpton.

This event is my relaunch onto the social scene as a vibrant single woman.

sugars, please.

I intend to become Joanne of the party circuit.

The hostess with the mostest.

A whole new beginning for me, Tracy. No more than that.

It's a complete life lift.

Probably the only thing about you that hasn't been lifted.

Well, her knees are her own.

Lyrical. The amount of time she's spent on them.

Rather snide, Tracy.

If it weren't for the fact that I can see most of the firewall, I could have

sworn Sharon was in the room.

Legally. Up.

My legs are playing me up.

God knows how my body's going to cope with pregnancy at my age.

I'd better get the lot this time.

Piles. Varicose veins.

Bleeding gums.

Ulcers. Their assert.

Ulcerated legs running our family.

And it's all... Yeah, men's fault, I know.

Look, I promise to cut myself when I shave, OK?

Anyway, isn't Sharon supposed to be helping you carry this load?

So she says. She's supposed to be getting a job, but no sign yet.

Well, I could offer a job. I need a cleaner.

No, I'm not being patronising. I'm desperate.

I am finding it impossible to replace Mrs Williams.

It's so inconsiderate of her to leave me in the lurch after 18 years and just

before my party.

And I thought we were more than employer, employee. I thought we were

I thought she died.

Mrs. Williams?

Did she?

You told me.

Oh, do you know, I really can't remember.

Whatever.

All right, Sal.

Dorian's just offered you a job.

Cleaning.

Calm down.

I'm only trying to be helpful.

I'd make a change.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Maybe you should think about it.

No need.

I've got a job.

Have you?

Well done. Doing what?

In an abattoir.

You mean in the office of an abattoir?

No, portering.

Look.

I've got an overall.

If I get that bit, what I don't get is why you're so happy about it.

Well, money's not bad.

And I like working with animals.

Dead ones.

I didn't say it was perfect.

What about mad care disease?

Well, yes, you could infect whole herds.

All right.

Nice there, slaughterhouse.

and say meat is murder, they are not wrong.

I tell you, them dead cows I've been lugging about all day are killing my

Garthy, is there a chef's trick for getting blood out from under your nails?

Yeah, washing works.

I don't know how you can work in that place.

It's gruesome.

No more gruesome than the meat freezer at Sainsbury's.

there for your best bit of topside.

Just because they're chopped up and wrapped in polyphen, it don't change the

fact that they were once cute little moo cows.

Happily wandering around a sunlit field, chewing of a cud, seconds before a

butcher's knife struck.

Right, that's it. I'm going vegetarian.

Here, Mum, taste this.

Mmm, delicious.

What is it?

Tenderised chunks of venison wrapped in succulent slices of parma ham.

Stop it. Lentils could never taste that good.

Oh! I nearly forgot.

Payday.

Here's your handkerchief, mate.

Ah. We're starting to carry on like a proper married couple, aren't we?

More than most.

And we actually sleep together.

You could say I'm the man of the house.

Why?

Because I go out to work.

So, heard of house husbands?

I have to get the spiders out of the bath.

I can change a plug.

I scratch more than you.

What's the rubbish there?

I've got a hairy chest.

We're only having a laugh.

What does it matter who's the man?

Plenty. 21 years I was married.

Just for once, I'd like to be the lazy, selfish one who dictates to all and

sundry and live the life of Riley.

Excuse me.

Can I just point out that there's actually a pair of testicles standing

cooking you two dinner?

I'm talking about most men, darling. You'll be different.

I won't be like that with us, Trace.

I may be the breadwinner, but...

set up won't be like a marriage. No.

It'll be based on mutual respect and consideration.

Sorry, Cher.

I'm just being paranoid.

We'll put our feet up after dinner. There's a Catherine Cookson on the

Actually, I want it to watch football.

Oh, no. Not more sport.

It's not mower racing.

Once you get into it, the lads at work will talk about it. Oh, the lads at work

watch it. It must be good.

I never got my mates, Trace.

You're not going to be stuck in front of that all night, are you?

Why don't we go somewhere?

We haven't been out for ages.

Sorry, Trace.

I'm meeting the lads later.

Darts match against another abattoir at Romford. Why so much for mutual

consideration?

I've got to show my support. It's a grudge match.

Right bunch of polishers, that Romford lot.

They're the type that give the mass slaughter of innocent livestock a bad

Your job, your job. That's all we talk about.

I'm sorry if it bores you, Trace, but it's what I do.

You never ask about my day.

You don't give a toss about me stuffing these four walls.

I'm sorry,

Trace. I'll take you out tomorrow, eh?

Here, babe.

You go and get yourself something nice, eh?

Ta.

All right.

Got to keep the little woman happy, ain't I?

Well, then I got involved.

Next one, it's gone 11.

I tried to phone you.

I couldn't get through.

Must be something wrong with the phone.

Dorian managed to get through.

Twice.

Did she?

Must be the fault of mine, then.

Come on, Trace, don't be like this.

a right mug, don't you? You walk out that door and you don't give a monkey's

about me. As long as your clothes are washed and ironed, that's what you're

bothered about.

You treat me like an unpaid skivvy.

Don't you dare touch me.

Go on, back out with your mates.

You obviously prefer their company to mine.

They just click their fingers and you come running.

What's the attraction, eh?

after night.

That's what I'd like to know because I could certainly do with some more.

Look, I said I'm sorry. Now stop nagging.

of a moment about Sharon.

Oh, yes.

Relate is hardly an option in your case, is it? Well, you'll have to bear with

me while I try on some clothes.

Oh, this is Gary from La Croisette.

He's brought round some frocks so I can choose one for my party.

I've got a little number that's going to make you the belle of the ball.

Have you been burgled?

No, Tracy. I have adopted a minimalist style.

It's painting with a limited palette, uncomplicated yet chic.

I've decided that from now on, less is more, though not in everything, if you

know what I mean.

I always know what you mean, doll.

It's a symbol of how I want my life to be from now on.

No ostentation, just discreet, simple elegance.

Haven't you got anything with lame?

Right, make yourselves at home and help yourself to coffee.

Oh, sometimes we have to humour, madam.

Might as well have that coffee while we wait, you know.

Well, this looks like the kitchen.

God knows how you get into the cupboard.

Maybe we should wait for Dorian. What's the point? She only uses this place as

an alternative to the bedroom.

Oh!

Well, I guess we keep on pushing until something interesting pops out.

Bingo. Coffee?

Chardonnay. Oh, I think we dare.

Yeah.

Oh, dear.

I sense a troubled soul.

Believe me, you don't want to know. I spend every day listening to rich

weeping over the cellulite.

A bit of real life would be a relief.

It's my sister.

We live together, you see, because our husbands are in prison for armed

No, that was the first time. The second time they went down for embezzling us

and handling stolen money.

And not before I managed to get myself pregnant.

God, I thought I was gullible living with a gas fitter.

What do you think?

I see Lame. I don't see Dorian.

What, too gaudy? Ratner's window displays gaudy. This could ruin retinas.

By the way, Tracy, that is a £2 ,000 sculpture you're sitting on.

Well, it was a stole.

Two grand, if it'd be more comfortable.

Anyway, where was our gallery?

Your husband's in prison. You're pregnant and living with your sister.

Tracy, have you no pride?

Telling your life story to a virtual stranger.

Whereas you just sleep with them.

So, seeing as I'm expecting, we decided Sharon, that's my sister, should be the

one to go out and get a job, and we'd be like a proper little family.

In the Lambeth Council sense of the term.

We were both being girls.

I thought it'd be different.

She's turned into the worst husband in the world.

What to do about it?

Don't be such a victim, Tracy.

This is Sharon we're talking about, not some boorish beer -swilling oaf.

Describing it to a T, aren't I? Carry on.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I've come to expect men to act like pigs.

Sorry, Gary, no offence.

Oh, I'm not going to defend them.

Gary could tell you stories that would curl your hair.

Not a good idea with your bone structure, by the way.

No. Men are a total mystery to me.

The only thing I know for sure is that they learn what they do from their

fathers. Yes, Marcus certainly took after his. I once asked his mother if

ever had an orgasm. She said exotic fruit gave her diarrhoea.

My dad sewed costumes for the Royal Ballet. He hated me mum and spent all

spare time locked in the attic playing show tunes.

Never going to be Gazza, was I?

Jennifer Aniston.

Do you think so?

Would look great in that frock.

Martin and Lime Door.

Please. Trust me.

Oh, finally.

Hey, shall we celebrate with a toffle?

Come on, then.

You might have a point about this learning behaviour.

I mean, Sharon's often treated her the way a baby treats its nappy.

So maybe that's why she's being so mean to me.

Fight fire with fire. That's what you've got to do.

Give her a taste of her own medicine.

Get out gallivanting, girl. Live it up.

I've never really been one for gallivanting.

OK.

Refuse to cook and clean. Let the cow wallow in dirt.

You haven't seen her room.

Don't you make her feel at home?

Leave her.

In my lovely home? While I go and live in some rat -infested B &B?

I'll be showing her, is it? Then tell her to go.

I can't. I need her.

You can say it. You don't have to mean it.

I'm not a very good liar.

Well?

Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

I think I'm going to cry.

It's a gorgeous door.

Well, I must admit, it does feel good.

I have to look a million at this party, but do you think this is the one?

I bet all my Judy Garland CDs on it.

Does it make me look younger?

It knocks years off your door.

I'll take it.

I thought you said you weren't a good liar.

Oh, good.

You're home early for a change.

No, it's not... Good, actually.

It's not good at all.

Oh, I see.

You'd rather be out boozing with Maureen and your mates.

Well, I'm telling you, young lady, if you don't start treating me with a bit

respect, I'm chucking you out.

I mean it. I really, really do. I'm not lying. No, you don't have to worry.

I can honestly say that I won't be seeing that much of the lad.

Either at night or during the day, for that matter.

Why?

The governor sacked me.

Said I weren't suitable.

But you was a porter.

You carried meat and... And that's it.

How can you not be suitable?

Well, did anyone else get the sack?

Don't think so.

Right.

What are you doing?

I'm going to ring your boss and tell him he can expect a claim for unfair

dismissal. Hold on.

Hold on, Tracey, hang about, hang about. There was one reason he sort of

mentioned.

Well?

He caught me nicking me.

You idiot!

I only did it for you.

I thought if I could sell it and make a bit extra, it'd be a better start for

you and the kids.

Cobblers.

That's exactly what Daryl said when he got sent down.

He tried to blame me and all.

I think you've said you've turned out as bad as him.

No, you're worse.

Because at least he used to take me out.

I'm sorry, Trace.

I'll make it up to you. I'll get another job.

Bloody right you will.

Now, get your beady eyes off me, will you?

This isn't the 1970s.

Employers do have rights, you know.

When I'm finished, you can do your inspection.

But I can't...

peering over my shoulder. This party is really important to me, Sharon. It's no

good me looking the epitome of chic if my home is grubby.

Trust me. By the time I finish this, you'll be able to see your face in it.

If only you had a reflection.

Bedroom's done. If you'd like to go and check, ma 'am.

Look, I am the good guy.

I've given you a job, so I would be grateful if you would both lose the

attitude.

And don't move the furniture.

One centimetre out of place and this room loses its whole raison d 'etre.

Wouldn't that be a shame?

What's going on, Trace?

Where's all our furniture?

It's called minimalism.

We had that in Edmonton. It's called being skint.

I don't like it.

I don't like it one little bit.

There's no way to sweep the dirt under.

I can't fault you. I couldn't find a single speck of dust as I ran my finger

the top of my tall boy.

Have you ever wore yourself out? I'm fine.

I told you, there's going to be no more of me sitting at home playing the little

woman. Do you know, I think you both have a flair for domestic servitude.

I don't know what we do next.

Do we say thank you, or do I slap her?

Trust me, good cleaners are hard to find. You could make a good living.

Do you really think so, Dawn?

Certainly. You've got the main qualification.

You're blatantly working class, so people of quality will feel totally

comfortable patronising you.

Ah, that'll be garth with the food.

Tricky car.

Looks like I read master's right after all. You always said we'd end up a

of scrubbers.

We're late.

I hate being late.

Thank you.

Keep on your toes while we're here. We might be able to drum up some cleaning

business from some of Billion's mates.

You go in first. It makes me feel conscious walking into crowded rooms.

Why isn't it a crowded room?

Oh, more people, thank God.

Hello, Gary.

This is my sister, Sharon.

Oh, I've heard lots about you.

Any of it nice?

Not a word.

Oh, he's fixing our make -up. We've had tears.

What's happened? Where is everyone?

We just haven't shown.

Poor door.

Maybe it's part of this minimalist kick.

She's cut down on her mates as well.

She's got a cruel tongue, hasn't she?

Who are you?

Excuse me, I've got an osso buco I'm trying to keep warm.

Don't mention about no one being here.

Don't you think she might notice?

You look lovely, door.

Food looks lovely.

Champagne's lovely.

Thank you.

So, where are all your mates then?

of reasons why no one's turned up.

Maybe they've all got the wrong address.

Or the wrong day.

Or maybe they've all turned Muslim and packed up drinking.

Now look what you've done.

Me?

So much for our chance of drawing up a bit of business.

Gary, I don't suppose you need some cleaners, do you?

With two gay men living in a flat, do you think dust has a chance to settle?

That'll be them. You go and let them in and I'll go and get door back.

At last.

Excuse me. On your own, are you? Well, never mind.

I'm pleased to see you. Right, there's the champagne. There's plenty of food in

there. In you go.

So, where are all the others? Did they get lost?

Or are you playing a practical joke on the old train?

Oh, look.

Look who it is. It's, um... Sorry, who are you?

I'm an electrician working in number 42.

Here. Anyone drive a P -Rage Polo? Only it's blocking me in.

If anyone knocks me, I'll be on the terrace.

Party's over, girl.

Give the food to the homeless.

On your way, freeloader.

Can't I finish my drink?

Oh, don't tell me. You're a plumber to come and check the dot clock.

You can check out my pipework any time.

He's not a plumber, he's a gas fitter.

My gas fitter.

It's every girl's worst nightmare, isn't it?

You invite everyone to a party, nobody comes.

It reminds me of Janice Hogger.

Do you remember, Trace?

She threw this 19th birthday party and the whole gang we used to hang about

decided not to go.

It's only tonight I realise just how bad she must have felt knowing she was that

unpopular.

There's no need to feel bad.

Yes, there is, Trace.

We must have destroyed that girl.

No, we didn't.

We went to her party.

We just told you we weren't going.

It was you who was unpopular.

Don't let them get to you. If I can let you down that badly, they're not the

sort of friends worth having. Yeah, well, they weren't really my friends at

I've been deluding myself.

All those mousy little wives, probably scared I'm going to sleep with their

husbands.

I thought you already had.

Well, yes, but they don't know that.

Well, we're not leaving you here to mope the night away.

You can come home with us.

No, really.

No, no, I insist.

I'll sleep on the sofa, you can go in with Shell.

Just when you think life can't get any worse.