Original subtitles

What will I do?

All right, Dad, how's it going?

Yeah, bought you a cigar.

It's the real Havana.

Nick's hit from the restaurant.

Joking.

So, you feeling okay, Dad?

Oh, couldn't be better.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

So how's your mother?

Well, she's good, you know.

Well, I don't know, do I? She don't visit.

She never writes.

When I phone her, it's, oh, hello, it's you. What do you want? Then she pretends

the milk's falling over. I know she can't stand hot milk.

Well, maybe she feels a bit, well, you know, that you let her down.

What did you expect?

Well, I expected exactly what I'm getting. The cold shoulder, the brush

the order of the boot.

It don't make it any easier, does it?

She got a fella yet?

Don't be daft.

Yeah, as if you'd tell me.

Still, you're here.

I'm grateful for that.

I made a right dog's dinner at the father -son relationship, didn't I?

Well, I've seen more than Miltman.

Still, at least we can...

Build some bridges now, eh? Get to know each other better at last.

Yeah.

Only, er, I'm going abroad for a bit.

Oh. What?

Holiday? No, a job.

Oh. It's a fantastic opportunity.

Sous -chef at one of the best hotels in the south of France.

Of course, the boss tends to run riot with the meat cleaver if you overcook

artichokes. Yeah, yeah, we've got some blokes like that in here. We nearly had

full -scale riot yesterday when our sous -chef... tried to fob us off with

caviar in a recipe that clearly called for fish fingers.

That. And to top it off, when I took the lid off the silver salver this morning,

my kedgeree was cold.

I'll get used to it. I've only ten years to go.

Do you know how many mump ten years is?

120.

Well, yeah, but I bet you don't know how many wick that makes.

That's 520, of course.

Are you showing off?

It's 52 weeks in a year, and I think I can just about remember how to multiply

by ten. Of course you can. Of course you can. Thank God we sent you to good

school. Thank God we scrimped and saved.

Be fair, Dad. I don't think you scrimped as such.

No? How do you think I bought my first shotgun?

Can you imagine being banged up for 520 weeks?

No. But then I can't imagine running into a bank all tooled up, doubting

everybody face down on the floor.

You'll get remission, won't you? Oh, well, I'll probably top myself long

that. Dad, don't talk like that. Well, what have I got to live for?

Well, you'll still be a young man when you get out.

I'll be 50.

On me own and 50.

Your mum's abandoned me, you're abandoning me, and on top of that, my

dad are threatened to visit on a regular basis.

Dad, I'm not abandoning you.

Look, you don't want me to turn down this job, do you? Oh, no, no, of course

not. I'm sorry.

Well, look, I'll tell Mum you're feeling a bit low. Maybe she'll pop up. No, no.

You say nothing.

I don't want her coming up here just out of pity.

I only want her to visit me if she really wants to.

If she still loves me.

Yeah.

Good coming, Andy.

I'll miss him, of course.

But he says it's a great job, and when he gets back to London, he'll be able to

walk into any restaurant he wants and demand whatever money he wants. Oh, just

like his father.

No need to apologise, Dawn. They're all history as far as I'm concerned.

My mum never liked him, you know.

Eh? That's news to me.

It was none of your business, was it? You was just a kid when we got engaged.

If only I'd listened.

If only you'd listened, you wouldn't have had Garthy.

And if you hadn't had Garthy, we wouldn't now be sitting here eating the

greatest biscuits.

Cooking's all down to my side of the family as well. Daryl's mum couldn't

water.

I wonder what my kid will be like.

I wonder whether he, stroke she, will be artistic or athletic

or intellectual.

Or just like its mother.

I was in the athletic team at school.

You?

I must have been absent that day.

I was very good at field sports.

Oh, I remember field sports.

I thought you'd knocked all this having a baby lark on the head.

No.

Well, I may have said it to shut you out. Oh, don't tell me you're still on

lookout for unwary sperm donors.

No.

I'm thinking of giving the blokes round here up as a bad lot.

I mean, I've virtually thrown myself at every decent -looking man in a five

-mile radius.

Barely half a dozen of them give me a second look.

Well, only then after you made a fuss of their guide dogs.

Are you?

Sharon, may I say something?

If you must.

Without wishing to be offensive.

Well, they're the first.

Perhaps if you made more of yourself, or to put it another way, less of

yourself, you might improve your hit rate.

I'll let you in a minute.

wrong with me?

It's the child support agency.

It's got all the single blokes scared stiff.

Or should I say, scared limp.

I've had a better idea.

Oh, we're all ears.

It came to me the other night when I was watching the late film Rosemary's Baby.

What? You want to have the devil spawn now, do you?

I could be like that Mia Farrow.

Well, now you mention it, there is an uncanny resemblance.

She's adopted a whole baseball team, hasn't she?

That's America.

Oh, well, Well done, Tracy.

It's easy in America.

It's a lot more difficult over here. I know that. I'm not stupid.

But there's thousands of unwanted babies abroad.

South America, Africa.

You just go up to some poor woman in the street with 17 kids and no money and

say, I'll have that one.

No money, something you'd have in common. You had to borrow the fare to

last week.

How are you going to get to South America?

Air miles.

You ain't got any.

Sharon.

If you want to adopt, your best bet is to move into a labour area like Hackney,

where being a single parent, estranged from a criminal husband, with no visible

means of support are the criteria for adoption.

In fact, convince them you're a lesbian, they'll throw in the freedom of the

borough.

You're stupid.

And to you, it's just a silly fantasy, this bringing up children.

It's not silly.

Oh, please, I'm bored with this now.

It's not. It's not.

Actually...

The reason I ventured into this socialist part of Chigwell... It's not.

reason was that it wasn't just for our company. It is. Shut up, Tracy!

She started it. Didn't. Did. Didn't. Did. Didn't. I just wanted you to know

if you need me this weekend... Hardly likely, is it?

If you need me, while you are eking out a small packet of savoury pancakes... I

shall be in a five -star Lake District hotel putting the finishing touches to

sizzling memoirs.

Shortly to be serialised in the Sunday sleaze.

Who's taking you, that grubby journalist?

David Cain is not grubby.

He's a campaigning newspaper man who sincerely believes that the public have

right to know when captains of industry drift off course.

It is incidental that his editor is paying me a fortune for revelations of

torrid affairs with the great.

and the good in bed.

Look, she's going to be staying near to where the boys are banged up.

Close to the picturesque village of Cockermouth.

Where else? ...professional foster parents who care for difficult children.

300 quid, that's all right.

Mandy Philpott lives in Hackney. Although her husband is in prison, she

successfully fostering three young children.

Dorian was right.

Age five, four, and two and a half. Hi, girls.

Oh, that's a lame journey.

Is Mummy?

No. She's got one of her activities.

What, a painting on silk class?

No, I think it's tap dancing tonight.

Or it could be conversational Turkish.

But what you need to know in Turkish beyond two large donners with extra

So why is she going to all these classes?

It's what the agony aunts all recommend if you want to meet men.

You take up some activity that the fellas are interested in and then you

you're interested as well.

First you get friendly, then you get romantic, then you get strumped.

Except in carpet -making class, in which case you get laid.

Why haven't you gone to any of these classes?

Oh, I've heard bars and discos, where pulling blokes is the activity.

What, sort of cuts out the middleman?

Yeah, I could visit you in the south of France. They reckon the nightlife's

pretty up there.

That's what I hear.

Oh, that'll do for me.

Nighttime in the casino, daytime on the beach.

Naked, except for a thumb.

Don't think so, Aunt Michelle.

Listen, Aunt Sharon, I want to ask you something.

It's about Dad.

I'm sorry, Garth, but yes, he is your real father.

You know, I went to see him today.

He's really down.

Of course, he was sent down.

I'm serious.

I've seen him feeling sorry for himself before, but this is much worse.

It's like he's given up on life.

I think it's because he really misses Mum.

So he's put the screws on you, so you'll put the screws on her, so she'll start

visiting again.

It's a wind -up.

No, I don't think that's it.

He told me not to tell her.

The old double bluff, eh?

I don't think so.

Look, he hung on to the cigar cutter.

So? So it's got a sharp blade, hasn't it?

What do you think he's going to do with it?

Circumcise, he says.

Look, do you think I should tell Mum or not?

Tell me what?

Garth's been moving back in.

Kimberley's so demand and he can't get no kip of a night.

How was your class?

Oh, it was great. We had such a laugh. I was making me pot.

Oh, it's pottery then?

Anyway, the wheel was going round and me clay started wobbling and the teacher,

Mr Clements, only he said I should call him Tony, had to rescue it before it

flew across the room.

He sat behind me and guided my hand, just like Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze

Ghost.

Oh, my love.

My darling.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, he's only asked to take me out next weekend.

He's got these lovely brown eyes.

Yeah?

How many?

Mum, I went to see Dad today.

Garth, what have you put in these?

Oh, it's good.

Is it almonds?

Mum, listen.

He's really low.

Say that again. They don't come any lower. A creep.

Could be vanilla. I mean, he's depressed.

He's more than depressed.

I think he might try to do himself in.

I said to him, that's the way that cons try and manipulate their wives,

Garfield. But he told me not to tell you, Mum. Ah, the old double bluff, eh?

That's what I said.

Right, so where's this Tony taking you, then?

He's taking me to the marriage of Figaro.

You're kidding.

Does that mean you've got to buy a present?

Mum, I'm serious about this.

I don't think Dad was trying it on. Yes, but you don't know him like I do.

Well, maybe not.

But I do know that I don't want to have to go off to France and then have to

dash back for my dad's funeral.

Cinnamon.

Here you are.

It's a bit weak, isn't it? We only had one tea bag left. We had to share it.

We should have got us a coffee. No coffee left. No hot chocolate, no canned

drinks, no alcoholic beverages.

Never mind.

A couple of weeks here and a Kit Kat on anybody's. No Kit Kats. No penguins, no

sandwiches, no luxury fruitcake that's gone hard despite being encased in

plastic.

Look, I wouldn't mind if I was looking forward to this visit.

I reckon Margaret Thatcher don't have to go five hours on a train without

confectionery.

Give it a rest, Cheryl.

A cup of tea without a biscuit is like a sharing without a moan.

You haven't got one of them going spare, have you? No, Michelle.

I'm going to Slade and Ole.

Thanks, Chris.

Because Nob's going all to the grasshoops and don't contract with the

It's a terrible journey, isn't it?

I come all the way from Kent.

They do it on purpose.

If you lived in Carlisle, I bet they'd put their dad in Maidstone.

All of their dad's is in Maidstone.

What?

That's why they come and enjoy some candies.

Go on.

It's Bianca's daddy walking to Slade, isn't it, love?

Oh, Bianca, that's a nice name.

Thanks for the bicky, Bianca.

Oh, where have Carly and Keanu buggered off to now?

I think they went that way.

Well, they pulled the communication cord again. I'm still paying off the last of

Bianca for us out here.

I love kids, don't I, Tracey? Yeah, you do.

Hello, people.

I'm Aunty Sharon, and this is Aunty Tracey.

Want to play a game? Yes.

Oh, look, I've come in.

What shall we play?

Let's play I Spy with My Little Wife. So it's beginning with... Boom!

This really is the most gorgeous champagne.

I didn't know you could still get pre -Wardon Perignon.

You can get anything for money, Dorian. And what's 700 pounds a bottle to the

tabloid press?

We don't mind paying, especially for a story like yours.

But they really don't mind that I'm making it all up.

No.

Ever since that Princess Di video, people assume all our stories are made

They still buy the paper, though. Now, tell me all about your torrid affair

Michael Portillo.

No,

he needs the publicity.

He's had a quiet year.

Now, I've jotted down a few sentences for you to have a look at. I think where

Mr Portillo is concerned, I prefer to use my imagination.

I first met luscious -lipped Michael when my Ferrari had a puncture one wet

windy night on the M25.

He was dashing to Westminster for a three -line whip.

But gallantly, he stopped his Bentley to help a damsel, a young damsel,

in distress.

He knelt by my stricken car.

The rain rendered his silk Comme des Garcons shirt.

quite transparent revealing his muscular frame as he strained to jack up my rear

end our eyes met i whispered hoarsely

people tell me you're the most upstanding member of the cabinet

his hand was caressing my my spare tire

Are you certain we're going to get away with this?

It's standard practice.

The plebs get titillated and the toffs know it's a load of cod, so no one gets

hurt. We are in the entertainment business.

Then put down that glass of champagne and come and entertain me.

I'd love to, but it is time for my golf lesson.

Silly not to take advantage of a hotel with a first -class pro.

Now, you finish your champagne and think all about your secret weekend love

whirlwind with Take That.

What, all of them?

Those newspapers.

If you had any control over those kids of yours, we wouldn't be stuck here in

the middle of nowhere.

Don't blame me.

It's the railway.

They've cut their maintenance budget by 33 % since privatisation.

How come you know so much about trains?

Bianca's dad used to rob them.

air since we moved.

I know that, madam. A watch comes with a job.

If we don't get to the prison soon, they'll lock the doors.

I'm sorry, but the driver said the brakes have burned out and the engineers

got to get here through the snow.

I know I should never let you talk me into coming.

Me? I thought you were doing it for Garthy.

Hello? What?

Well, what are we supposed to do?

Well, you'd better alert the air -sea rescue and get a couple of helicopters.

Not exactly.

The engineer's van's run off the road into a snowdrift.

Brilliant. In that case, they'll have to send another traction unit from the

depot to all us in.

Well, normally they would. But when they privatised the line, they sold off the

other traction unit.

They don't think, do they? No, no forethought.

Give us your mobile.

Why?

I want to phone Pizza Express.

I'm guaranteed to deliver in 15 minutes.

Hello?

Sharon?

You're where?

Oh, the woes of the underclass.

Oh, I see.

So the question is, would I prefer to stay here in my hotel suite eating

caviar... while a gorgeous young Tibetan rebalances my ying and my yang?

Or do I want to drive 15 miles in a blizzard to rescue you?

and I saw the mess that Kylie and Keanu had made up a toilet.

Yeah, what must you have done now?

I'll tell you, shall I?

Good, I'm dying to hear.

Hey, go on, get on with it.

They've completely wrecked it. That's what they've done.

They've broken the window so there's snow coming in. They've blocked up the

and left the taps running so there's water everywhere.

And they've run through the buffet car with a bog roll like the puppy in the

advert. Except in the advert, the toilet paper hadn't been used.

You've got a fit mother, you. You've got no control.

It's all right, Shell. Calm down.

It's all right for you, with your posh handbag.

You try bringing up three kids in a one -bedroom flat on 110 pound a week.

Ikeano!

Stop playing Power Rangers with a fire extinguisher!

Still want to become a foster parent?

Yes. If you catch them young enough, you can still mould them.

Bye, little Bianca.

Bless.

Is that guard looking, Trace?

I'm gasping for fag.

Can Aunty Sharon ever push her bag back?

Ta.

Oh.

Oh. The little brat's been sticking me bag.

There it is. It's closer.

Trust me, Trace, that is never a wolf.

What makes you an expert, little red riding hood?

When I was in Edmonton, the bloke in the next flat had a wolf as a guard dog.

Oh, my God.

Did you hear that?

The door's on the window. It is a wall.

Historian!

Same thing.

Thanks, Dor.

We owe you one. No, you owe me many.

More than you could ever repay.

What made you change your mind?

When I saw where the acupuncturist was about to stick his next needle.

Don't stand on ceremony. Come on in.

Well, I can't.

The handle's frozen solid.

We'll push you, Paul.

So,

this is how the other half travel, is it?

Well, I've just got one question to ask you. What's that then?

If I am here to rescue you, why have you pulled me inside?

Good point.

Look at our stuff.

Want to buy a posh egg bag?

We're on our way.

My car!

May I see your ticket, madam?

I've got to get off. You may not alight while the train is in motion.

Men have to keep to their schedule.

Supper, short period of television viewing, top of the pops tonight, always

popular, and then it's beddy -bye.

In other words, we can't see our husbands?

In other words, yes.

Or, to put it another way, no.

But we've come all the way from Essie.

We'll try to rearrange all visits for next week.

We can't afford to come, Nick.

I had to pull the rottweiler to get here today.

Just make a note of your name.

uphold this in the Court of European Human Rights at the Hague. Good for you.

Where is the Hague? Oh, don't.

Is Sharon Theodofilopoulos?

Marjorie Foster.

Tracy Stubbs. Tracy Stubbs? Is your husband Prisoner Stubbs 31845693?

Yeah, but we only used the first three numbers. Hang on.

Dr Maguire, please.

Doctor, what's going on?

What the bloody hell do you think you've been doing? Oh, I'm sorry, Trace.

Sorry? That ain't good enough.

How do you think Garfield would have felt if you'd pulled off this stupid

with the cigar cutter he gave you?

Oh, I was desperate, sugar.

You cut me off.

Garfield was going away. I realised I was a total screw -up and the best thing

could do for my family was just to simply cease to exist.

Plus, my life insurance means I'm worth more to you dead than alive.

I don't want the stupid insurance money.

It's legit.

See, what is the point?

If I can't have you, what's the point of anything?

You should have thought of that before you got yourself banged up again.

I did it for you.

That's crap.

You did it because you didn't have the bottle to go and get yourself a proper

job. You've always been the same, even when we was at school. The other kids

paper rounds and what did you do?

Ran a protection racket on the tuck shop. I was the only kid in the school

a car. You were the only kid in the school with a criminal record.

I blame myself.

I loved you so much, I always let you have your own way.

If I had an opinion, I kept it to myself.

And even after you came out, I pretended nothing had changed when everything

adds. I kept up the pretense that I was the same little airhead you'd married

because I didn't think you could cope with having a grown -up for a wife.

And I was right, you couldn't. So why did you come up today?

To give me the divorce papers?

Don't talk so bloody stupid.

Well, don't say you haven't considered it because Chris told me that Sharon

him that you'd been thinking about it.

Well, thinking isn't the same as doing.

And I told Sharon in the strictest confidence.

Then you're nearly as stupid as me.

Right. I came to tell you that we're never going to turn the clock back and

I've got my own life to lead.

And yes, there probably will be other blokes in it. Tracy! Let me finish.

That's what I came to tell you.

And then when they told me you nearly topped yourself, my heart started to

and I felt sick and terrified.

I realise I still love you. No, you don't mean it. Don't look a gift horse

the mouth, Daryl. I'm not in the mood. Oh, Tracy!

I said I still love you. That doesn't mean I haven't got the umph with you.

time for your tranquilisers.

Ah, cheers, mate. I don't need them anymore.

No, I do, though.

At last.

I paid eight quid to go round Buckhurst. This is bigger.

And classier.

Those people they let in the royal family wouldn't get in here.

They let you in?

Sharon, what happened to I owe you one?

Sorry. I'm not used to having to be nice to you.

Make yourselves at home.

Have a bath, if you like.

I'll order dinner from room service.

I just warned the old rent book.

Oh, where's lover boy then?

Oh, he's probably still using the hotel's incomparable sports facilities

somewhere. This must be costing his pay for a fortune.

I'm worth it.

Dawn, got any Kit Kats in that minibar?

No, Sharon. We only have the finest Belgian truffles.

Sniff them out yourself, did you?

Move away from the fire, Sharon.

Suckling pig isn't on the menu.

Oh.

Well, they must be about to restock. I'll phone down.

Hello. Room service.

Blimey, this hotel is good.

I'm sorry to bother you, Mrs Green.

I'm Mrs Green.

Actually, this is rather embarrassing.

Nothing embarrasses Dorian.

Keep forgetting. Must be nice to you.

While you were out, the police arrived and arrested Mr Kane.

Apparently, your Mr. Kane isn't the real Mr. Kane.

And apparently, this isn't the first time he's impersonated a member of the

press. But I phoned him at the newspaper.

I'm sure you did. He works on the switchboard.

I've made sure, if I were you, that he hasn't taken anything of personal value.

Ah, she lost that years ago.

Unfortunately, there remains the matter of your account, which currently stands

at just over £8 ,000.

I know it sounds a lot for two days, but the set of golf clubs cost nearly two

thousand, and then... Golf clubs?

The professional said there was a marked improvement in Mr. Kane's swing.

Oh, well, I didn't notice.

In a golf door?

Looks like you've been shafted. Yeah, and he wasn't even there at the time.

What'll I do?

When I'm a -