All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s07e08 Are You Being Served

No hall.

Thank you, door.

Yes, it's very, um... Well, very
Brookside.

How was Monaco?

Oh, wonderful.

Yes, I know anything less than five
bedrooms is an isn't up to you, door.

please, try and say something nice.

Uh...

I'll put the kettle on. Obviously, this
could take some time.

Well, that really is a very good size
for a box room.

That was the main bedroom.

This is the box room.

Sorry, Tracy, I am trying.

Sharon, with you.

Oh, look, it's... It's... It's our ex
-neighbour.

You have no idea how good that sounds.

Didn't notice you there, Sharon.

Not easy to pick you out in a room full
of so many of the larger mammals.

Yes, that's it.

You put a brave face on it.

I bet you're missing us rotten, you sad
old cow.

Miss you?

It's like being reborn.

Where'd you get all these baby clothes
from, then?

Found them in there. The last people
must have left them.

Oh, have a look, Trace.

Cute or what?

Makes you go all broody, doesn't it,
door?

Rather academic in my case.

The wheels being well and truly off my
menstrual cycle.

M -I -V -F.

I'll give you an ink.

No one need know.

I'd know.

And when I gave birth to the missing
link, so would the whole world.

Of course, you were planning to get
banged up again, weren't you, Trice?

Except Daryl got himself banged up
first.

Yeah, that was one of my dreams, he
shattered.

Thanks for reminding me, Shell.

He's still got Garfie.

He was a doddle. It was six months
before she realised she was pregnant,

then nine months at a minute, and he
popped like a greased pig.

Look at my son, a pig. I'll have you
know he was 11 pounds with shoulders to

match.

Better cut me.

Please,

no tails from the delivery room.

You'll tell me about your 25 stitches.

30? She'll know someone with 50. Could
we please change the subject?

So, Tracy, what are you going to do?

Nothing. Just going to have lots and
lots of peace and quiet.

You're speaking like an old woman.

Dorian, in the last few weeks I've had
to rent out my home and move down

watch my business go bankrupt and see my
husband go back to prison.

There's characters in EastEnders with
less dramatic lives.

What about you, Sharon?

Any life plans?

Well, there's a line bar in the fridge
with my name on, but apart from that...

Honey, haven't we talked about you
getting a job?

No, I don't want to go back to just
being a wage slave.

The past few weeks have been a watershed
for me.

I want my life to be different, more
rewarding.

I might get involved in charity work.

Mother Teresa minus the tea towel.

Do you think you're going to scrounge
off me?

So, Dor, how was Monaco?

Remember the names of any of the blokes
you slept with?

We'll talk later.

Well, I did meet a man. Sorry, can't
give you his name.

But he was a sweet, charming, cultured
man with whose credit cards I intend to

have a long and loving relationship.

Why can't you tell us his name, then? Is
he someone famous?

No, just high profile.

Come on, dish.

Very well.

Sir Rafe Gardner.

Head of Central Water.

You've heard of him?

As in half the country.

It's all over the Sunday papers.

What? Head of Central Water, Sir Ralph
Gardner is today exposed as a fraudster

and a love cheat.

Whilst his wife was left at home in
their million pound Berkshire mansion

has reeled at increased water charges,
the naughty knight used company funds to

entertain a young and busty female
companion.

My mother always said this would happen.
I'm tabloid trash.

No, you're not listening to me, door.

I said young and busty.

Camilla Loveridge, 21, said Ralphie gave
me everything I wanted. He was

insatiable. I know I wasn't his only
lover. He had a string of women. He

us his harem.

Harem, eh?

So it's not only his water that's always
hard.

While his customers were being urged to
save water, gorgeous Camilla spoke of

hour -long lovemaking sessions under
Randy Ralph's power shower.

There was certainly no hosepipe ban as
far as we were concerned, she cooed.

The voluptuous actress is now
considering a number of film offers.

He swore I was the only woman in his
life.

The lying pig made a complete fool of
me.

It's not like you've never lied to a
bloke, Dawn.

Marcus was my husband, that's allowed.

I need another drink.

What do you want, Sharon?

A baby.

With or without eyes?

No, I'm serious.

You asked what my life plan was, well,
that's what it's going to be.

A baby.

There's nothing more rewarding in life
than having a kid.

You'd do anything to avoid getting a
job, you.

It's not like that.

It's not something I've just thought of.

I've always wanted a kid, you know I
have.

Sharon, I'm ready.

The timing's perfect.

Perfect? Your husband's in Nick.

Besides, which is sterile.

My husband's the last person I've won a
baby with.

I'll meet someone else.

And what are the chances of you meeting
a bloke who's going to hang around

beyond breakfast?

Tracey, it's a fact. When you get to our
age, all the good ones are gone.

You've already had all the bad ones.

So what are you saying?

I'm never going to have a family? The
odds aren't on your side.

Look, I don't want to upset you, but
it's better that you face it, Sharon.

Look, just because Daryl's got you all
bitter and twisted... This isn't about

me. Yes, it is.

Don't you sigh.

Don't you dare sigh.

Look, this is important to me.

I don't want to end up a lonely, dried
-up old prune like...

Oh, please carry on, Sharon.

Like who?

Like someone I know.

Having a baby isn't a be -all and end
-all, you know. You want to listen to

Some people have careers.

You? I said some people.

Personally, I think I should be
applauded for not indulging in the

primitive desire to have my genes
inflicted on a future generation.

If not having a baby is a crime against
womanhood, Sharon, then so is not having

a waist.

I'm sorry, doll.

Well, if you want a baby so desperately,
why don't you just go ahead and have

one? She can't. She hasn't got a bloke.

What are you talking about?

There's at least a dozen men in here.

I'm sure if she asks nicely, any one of
them will be prepared to knock her up.

I think it's silly.

If she... waits for a relationship with
a nice, reliable man, she'll wait

forever. They're all a waste of space.

All she needs from a man is his seed.
She can do the rest.

Take the notice of her.

You just told me to listen to her. And
now I'm telling you not to.

Too late.

I reckon she's right.

Ten minutes after closing time, I could
have a life growing inside of me.

Right. Who shall I ask?

Perhaps you should draw your net just a
little wider.

No point.

Like you said, one's as big a prat as
the other.

Oh, great.

Now she's going to jump into bed with
the first bloke who buys her a drink.

Hello, love.

So what do you fancy, then?

You, you smooth talker.

You stink.

What time did you get in last night?

Just after 11.

Night, weren't it? It was half past
three.

Well, if you know, why ask?

They locked the doors after you left.

That was to stop people getting in, not
you getting out.

I can't stay any longer, watching you
make an exhibition of yourself.

Yeah, I know. I got a bit carried away.

Raffling yourself.

It was a joke. I've had a few.

Dorian wants shooting, filling your head
with this rubbish.

I'm not an impressionable kid, Trace.
You was acting like one last night.

Yeah, well, like I said, I got a bit
carried away.

But the more I think about it, the more
I reckon Dorian's got a point.

What?

Well, I don't have to be in a
relationship to have a baby. I'm not in

for a wind -up.

Who's winding you up?

Look after a baby.

You couldn't even look after a goldfish.

Oh, woman, I've got a womb. I'm ready.

You know nothing.

Having it's the easy bit. After that,
it's not dressing it up and pushing it

round the park.

There's the washing, the ironing, the
cleaning up after it's been sick, the

feeling ratty because it's had you up
all night.

Getting the ump when it does your house,
keeping down the bookies.

What?

Sorry, I thought you were describing my
married life with Chris.

After him, a baby will be a doddle.

At least I know it's only my breast it
will be sucking on.

It's hard bringing up a kid on your own.
I should know.

I'll sign on.

Ponce off the stake?

No, Mr Redwood.

I'll get a job and all.

And who'll look after the baby?

You.

You pop up your life and I get lambered.
All right, I'll stay at home and you go

to work. Just about you and your kid.

Think how good it'll make you feel.

You take me for a right mug, you do.

I thought you'd want a well pair.

You could be like second mum.

We're lesbians.

You tell them we're sisters.

How much do you think lesbians say?

Come on, Trace, it'll be good for both
of us.

This is all because you found those
stupid baby clothes.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. It's a silly, silly idea,
and the sooner you forget about it, the

better. Just be thankful you didn't make
a complete fool of yourself and

actually sleep with one of those
polishers from the pub last night.

All right, you can come down now.

Close clear, is it?

I'm sorry I couldn't manage it last
night.

Must have been all the drink I had. It's
never happened before.

Anyway, look, I'm sober now.

Trouble is, mate, so am I.

Come in, Dot.

Tea's in the pot.

How did you know it was me?

Because we're your only friends. Where
else have you got to go?

Where's Tracy?

Gone shopping.

Have you got this week's Hello magazine?

No. Be down to appointment until next
week.

There's a four -page spread at home with
Sir Ralph Gardner's new

girlfriend, Camilla Loveridge.

Yeah, she's doing all right, isn't she?
I saw her on GMTV the other morning.

They did a big, probing, in -depth
interview.

Forced her to admit she likes beige.

She is making an absolute... Fortune.

She's sold her life story to the papers,
and all I've got to show for the week I

spent with the rat is first -degree
carpet burns.

Well, your sex life ain't plastered all
over the tabloids, is it?

Not yet.

You wouldn't.

Wednesday night, she was at a film
premiere with Schwarzenegger.

I was home alone with one foot in the
grave.

On top of that, my solicitor suspects...
that Marcus is busy burying his assets

in offshore accounts.

So from where I sit, I can't say I've
got a lot to lose.

True. And it's not as if you've got a
reputation to protect, is it?

It's all.

You could be a celebrity.

Or an ITV weather girl.

Your skirts are short enough.

I could have a slot on breakfast
television.

In bed with Dorian.

If you need someone to help launch your
career, you know where to come.

I've got contacts, remember?

Yeah, thank you, Sharon.

But your third cousin who works on the
obituary section at the Hackney Gazette

isn't quite the media inn I'm looking
for.

Yeah, OK, but like I said, anything I
can do, you know, don't hesitate.

A friend in need and all that.

You want a favour, don't you, Sharon?

A tiny one.

I want you to find me a man to be the
father of my child.

I thought this baby thing was off the
agenda.

Only as far as Tracy's concerned.

Look, I don't think the men I know would
be suitable.

They'd be perfect, doll.

That's the one thing Tracy's right
about.

I mean, I don't want to get involved
with lowlifes. It's the professional

want. Well, try a contact magazine.

I've got lots of numbers.

Come on, doll.

You know what sort of pervs use them.

a sperm bank.

There's one in California that takes
donations from film stars.

Send off. They might put some in the
post.

Oh, yeah.

Tracey would love a jar of that coming
through her letterbox for the gas bill.

Always sounds a bit iffy, doll. Yes, but
think of it.

You might get Tom Cruise.

banging on their door in nine months'
time.

I want a baby, not a meal ticket.

This ain't some sort of game I'm
playing, door.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've
wanted a baby.

Tracy's had one.

She don't understand.

I thought you might.

Sharon.

Please, door.

someone clean living.

I mean, it don't have to be Brad Pitt,
but I draw the line at Humps.

Well, I'll remember to skip Q when I
reach it in my address book.

And someone who's got kids. The more the
better.

I don't want to waste me time on someone
whose pencil's running on unleady, do

I?

Not one number.

Like Camilla Ludbridge is going to do
this.

I told you that.

story to the newspapers.

Well, it's not really any of your
business, is it, Trace?

Other people's lives?

Which means you've done nothing about
getting yourself a job.

Where are you going?

Bingo with the girls.

What girls?

From the old estate in Edmonton.

I don't think you get on with any of
them, on account of the fact that they

slept with your husband more times than
you had.

Well, you can't bear these petty grudges
forever, can you?

I'm not doing nothing tonight.

Might come with you. No.

Why?

Because they don't like you, Trace.

They reckon you're a snob.

Well, you can't blame them.

Every time you used to come round the
estate to visit, you went up in the lift

with a clothes peg on your gnarly.

Why don't you just wax them like
everyone else?

It'll take more than wax to get my roots
out.

It'll be okay once the swelling goes
down.

awful lot of trouble for a night at the
bingo.

You're right.

Sharon,

you are the end, the absolute end.

Albert Hall as a charity gala for the
homeless and you turn up looking like a

beneficiary.

No, you dozy mare.

I had to come and despise.

Tracey's getting suspicious.

Oh, you look very nice.

Scrub up good, don't I?

Drink?

Malibu and Baileys and a packet of pork
scratchings, please.

Right. I've told Paul that's your date,
that you've just been widowed.

Good idea.

If he thinks I'm going short, he won't
be surprised when I jump on him later.

Not for the first time tonight, I wonder
if I'm doing the right thing.

Don't worry.

So, what's he like, this Paul?

Well, he's a solicitor.

He's a friend of Graham's. That's my
date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But is he good

-looking? I mean, I know I said it
didn't matter, but no girl wants an ugly

do they? Well, you didn't really give me
much notice.

Why, what's the matter with him?

No, no, nothing. You know, just if I'd
had a little more time.

Why are you trying to put me off?

Are you absolutely sure you want to go
through with this?

I mean, it'll only take one phone call.

You could still pull out.

If tonight has a thing, Dorian, it's no
pulling out.

Am I picking us up?

No, we're meeting them there.

Then after the gala, we're all having
dinner.

Then it's back to my place for a
nightcap.

After that, you're on your own.

Hello? Oh, Mr. Kane.

It's the reporter covering Ralph's
erratic expose.

Yes, did the assistant give you the
message?

What do you mean, old news?

The lovage person is on television
morning, noon and night.

What new angle?

I can't think of anything.

Unless the fact that I'm pregnant would
make any difference.

I thought I could meet you.

Tomorrow at 11's fine.

Goodbye, Mr Kane.

Pregnant?

As lies go, it's one of the easier ones
to spot.

Long game of bingo, wasn't it?

We went for a drink after.

Till five o 'clock in the morning?

What's the problem?

Fixed me up with a paper round, have
you?

You've been out... trying to get
pregnant.

No.

Then how come she left your cap in the
bathroom?

I don't go everywhere cap in hand.

Tell me the truth.

It's none of your business.

And you've got no right going through my
private stuff.

I want to know what's going on.

All right.

If you must know.

Dorian fixed me up with a bloke.

Dorian. So you've actually gone and done
it then?

You silly, irresponsible.

I told you to forget the whole stupid
idea.

Excuse me?

But you can't tell me whether I can have
a kid or not.

We move to Ain't Not, not China.

You can't have a kid without a father.

It doesn't need a father.

It'll have me. I'll love it for two.

And what are you going to say when it
grows up and asks who its dad is?

Sorry, sweetheart.

I didn't know him long enough to find
out his first name.

Maybe that won't be such a bad thing.

Because then he won't be disappointed if
his dad should turn out to be, oh, I

don't know, say, a bank robber.

You just won't believe this ain't a five
-minute wonder, will you?

You don't know how jealous I get every
time I see someone with a baby.

Every girl I went to school with is
practically a granny now.

It really hurts, Trace.

Especially knowing I had one and got rid
of it.

I'm sorry, Cheryl. I do understand. No,
you don't understand, Tracy. You can't

do.

Because you've never ate for a baby.

You had yours when you were 16 before
you even knew you wanted one.

Just because you've had one kid doesn't
mean you can't want another one just as

bad. I was desperate for a brother or
sister for Garfield.

But now I've got to live with the fact
that that's never going to happen.

I know what your problem is.

You're jealous.

No.

Oh, yeah, if you did, I would be a bit
jealous.

But that wouldn't stop me being over the
moon for you. I'd be settled down in a

proper relationship.

That don't mean you have to give up.

Darrell's not the only pig in the sty.

I'll never trust another bloke again.

Not enough to have a baby by him.

You've got to think positive, Trace.

Stuff blokes.

Get on with your life in spite of them.

That's what I'm going to do.

I'm sorry, Cheryl, but I do understand
how you feel. I just can't agree with

way you're going about it.

Pimp. Well, that's hardly fair.

Sharon put me in a very difficult
position.

If I hadn't introduced her to Paul, I
was afraid she might carry on offering

herself to all in sundry and sleazy
bars.

And at your age, you don't need the
competition, do you?

Stop giving me such a hard time, Tracy.

It's not as if she slept with the man.

Yes, she did.

No, I didn't, actually.

I said was Dorian fixed me up with a
bloke.

You jumped on your high horse and
assumed the rest.

Paul was a lovely bloke and all that,
but when it came to it, I just couldn't

bring myself to sleep with a complete
stranger.

Since when?

Since it weren't just for recreation.

Look, I had a completely insensitive
care, you know.

I realise what a big thing this is.

So what are you saying? You're not going
to get yourself pregnant?

No. I am going to get myself pregnant.

I just need more time to get my head
round it, that's all.

I won't lose my bottle next time.

I don't know if I'm coming or going with
you. Do what you like.

Be like Dorian. Sleep with a hole of
ethics for all I care.

Have you spoken to Paul?

Was he very upset when I turned him
down?

Upset?

Apparently he's ecstatic.

Sharon, you can't strip a man to his
underpants, then rush from the room

it's too much for me, and not expect him
to be flattered.

I didn't mean that.

I meant the whole baby scene. Yes, well,
I know that, and you know that, but

Paul's walking around saying, call me
Linford.

So, how did you get on with your
reporter?

Is he buying your sexploits with
Ralphie?

Do you know the sense of moral decay in
here is reaching unheard of proportions?

Some bloke on the radio just said it
about the Conservatives. But I think it

applies in here.

Ignore her.

Well, are we going to be like half the
male population and see you spread all

over our breakfast tables?

Well, we negotiated for quite a while.

And did any of that take place standing
up?

Apparently, the fact that I am not
expecting Ralph's baby needn't be the

slightest problem.

David knows a doctor who will sign a
sworn affidavit to say that I am, in

with child.

Excuse me, but when you get to the 17th
month of your gestation period, won't

the libel lawyer start asking questions?

We won't get that far. After a couple of
weeks... Headlines about this

fictitious baby. The same doctor signs a
different piece of paper and bye -bye

baby. We get a whole new set of
headlines.

I have the public eating out of my hand.

I could make an absolute fortune.

Sick. The world's sick.

And you're sicker.

Well, it doesn't stop there.

A few weeks later, we reveal my drink
and drugs hell.

A month goes by and then, hey presto, I
find God.

Of course, I can't stay Jewish. Not hip
enough.

David has suggested Scientology. Then he
can link my name with John Travolta.

Unbelievable.

Shocking.

But you'll do it anyway.

Absolutely.

Who's that?

There's a job going in the dry cleaners
down Snakes Lane.

Oh, good.

Back time.

Hello? Is that the California Institute
of Love and Celebrity Sperm Bank?

Yes. I'm making some inquiries.

Could you tell me how much it'd be for
some celebrity sperm?

Say a six -pack.

How much?

I don't suppose you sell them singly, do
you?