All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s07e07 Three Up, Two Down

What will I do when you are gone?

Do you think I've been able to enjoy a
vindaloo?

You have no idea how life -restricting
piles can be.

I wish I still didn't.

Get a doggy bag.

You haven't left anything.

Well, someone might.

I am sorry, madam.

Your credit card.

It has not been accepted.

I am very sorry.

God damn it, ma 'am.

I must have done a mistake.

Are you kidding me? Not normally, no.

But we've been so skinned up and getting
all my shopping on it.

I could have thought there were still 50
left.

You know how it is.

Ten are here, ten are there. Soon those
can't. No, I religiously write it all

down.

Here.

Those T -shirts you got for your Chris
Theodopolopoulos' innocent campaign.

How did you pay for them? You haven't
got any money.

I didn't think you'd mind seeing it was
such a good cause.

How dare you use my credit card?

Do you use my earrings?

How much money you got on you?

About 38p.

Haven't you got any?

No. I just changed all the pennies up in
the penny jar to pay the milkman.

Let's do a runner.

It's an Indian. We've got no money. It's
what you do.

No. We'll apologise, tell them we've got
no money and they'll let us bring it in

tomorrow.

And if we get lost on the way home, we
can follow Hansel and Gretel's trail of

breadcrumbs all the way back to our cosy
little cottage in the woods.

It'll work. I'll give them the sob
story, tell them the boys are in prison

our business has gone bust because my
husband defrauded us out of its assets.

You are going to air our dirty washing
in public.

It'll be better than a cabaret.

Let's go.

Leave it.

Oh, sorry.

37 years of age and I'm doing a runner
from an Indian.

It's clever, don't you? Well, I don't
suppose we'll win any Nobel Prizes for

But it saved us 20 quid and I know which
I'd rather have. I'm so embarrassed for

letting myself get in this thing.

They'll be out in a minute. What's the
matter?

Trace? What?

I've left the keys on the table.

Honestly,

I feel as if a huge weight has been
lifted off my chest.

No sumo wrestler jokes, please.

husband to answer to means I now feel
liberated.

Because you never did exactly what you
wanted to do when you was with Marcus.

A woman in chains, that was you.

Some nights.

So what are you going to do with this
newfound freedom then?

Oh, not just me.

Now you've seen the light about that
gangster you married. We're all three of

emancipated. It is the perfect
opportunity to celebrate our womanhood.

You don't want us to go out into the
woods and talk about our Period, do you?

One doesn't have to be a tampon -waving
feminist to celebrate one's femininity.

I just want us to have some fun.

Get men, you mean?

No. So what, then?

Well, OK, men might be good.

There you go, door. Home delivery.

On your feet, girls. Excuse me?

On your feet!

You got it, mate?

Yep. You silly cow!

You ain't let the bailiffs in!

Mind the woodwork.

Tracy! It's all right, Sharon. I'm just
getting rid of the sweet.

Oh, hooray!

That elusive bird of good taste has
finally come here to roost. There's

wrong with my taste.

I've sold it because we need the money.

Have you gone mad?

Why didn't you talk to me first?

Because I want to make my own decision
from now on.

I'm in this mess because one way or
another, I've let people control me all

life. It's time I took over.

This is all because you saw that woman
on Ricky Lake whose husband wanted her

warm the toilet seat for him.

I'm on the verge of being cut off. We
owe a fortune to the bank from the

business guy and bust.

What do you suggest I do to pay?

I told you, I can stall the bank.

Look, show them proof that our business
is about to pick up again.

Sharon, the horoscope section of Take a
Break is not a recognised economic

industry.

manager you.

Picky, picky, picky.

Telling your furniture, Tracy.

I mean, that's what they do in the third
world.

And Edmonton.

I had nothing else.

Me jewellery's already in hock. We've a
telly next.

Something from one financial crisis to
another. If I hadn't come to your aid

last night, that restaurant manager
would have called the police.

She's right.

Oh, is she? So what do you suggest I do,
then?

Go and see Jonathan, my accountant.

That's what they're for.

I'll see an accountant, but not your
accountant.

He's a pervert.

Oh, that's a bit harsh.

You had him chained to your living room
door naked, except for a giant nappy.

Isn't that your idea of a pervert?

Don't even come close.

His predilections have no bearing on his
professionalism. Jonathan is a very

bright and smart guy.

All his romper suits are Savile Rose.

Ah, don't you dare!

Get this.

This is

ridiculous. Shut up complaining.

I think really what you've got to do is
that, I think... There you

go. I don't even notice they're missing.

Before we start, I really want to
apologise.

I don't want to talk about it.

I understand.

So, how are you?

Fine.

Look, I really need to explain about
that whole nappy thing.

I just want to assure you that it was
all Dorian's idea.

Before I met her, I was strictly a light
-off, socks -on sort of chap.

Don't get me wrong, I was perfectly
adequate.

My wife never had any complaints.

Though, of course, she has left me now.

Finding the size 11 knitted booties was
the final straw.

I don't want to talk about it.

Absolutely. Not another word.

I'm just going to...

Hello, Jonathan.

Tracey, you didn't say that Jonathan was
coming round today.

Must have forgot.

I bet.

Lucky I called you, isn't it? Isn't it?

Oh,

look at him, Trace.

Got big, hasn't he?

Or I could make you up a bottle.

I've been looking through your figures,
and you really are hip -deep in the most

appalling financial mess.

But you do have one major asset, which,
if utilised properly, should solve all

your problems.

This house.

Precisely. You mean sell it?

Well, that's a big decision.

We're going to have to take it away,
mull it over for a while, you know,

it. We'll sell.

That's not quite what I meant by
discuss...

I've already been thinking about it, and
it's a sensible option.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

We're living in a million -pound house
and having to nick serviettes from

King because we can't afford toilet
rolls.

Yes, yes, I see your point, but you're
still not getting it.

By discussion, I meant me having a say.

Sharon, when I said I wanted to make my
own decisions from now on, I meant it.

After all, this is my house.

And you think that gives you the right
to sell it, do you?

Yeah, well, OK, maybe it does.

But don't you think you have a moral
obligation to discuss it with me first?

No!

Actually, Tracey, there might be a
better option than selling.

Renting. Oh, yeah?

How would that work exactly?

As you just said, yours is a substantial
property, which would yield a

substantial monthly rent.

Now, with that income, you could rent a
more modest home, continue servicing

your bank debt, and probably still have
enough to live on.

No, no, sell it. Get it off your back.

Sharon,

I like the sound of renting.

No, no, no, no, no. I've asked you, keep
it out.

Look, if you're going to ignore
everything I say, I might as well not be

Now you're getting it.

Something's different in here.

Give me a minute, I'll get it.

I think it's cool.

You can't lose the TV remote down the
back of a deck chair.

You're not thinking of decorating our
flat in early Brighton seafront.

Well, actually, I thought we'd have a
bed in every room.

Oh, sure you're man enough.

Oh, no worries.

Just not quite man enough to tell Mummy
you're leaving home yet, though.

Oh, it's awkward, Kimberley, what with
my dad going inside.

I've just got to pick my moment. Oh,
well, she treats you like a baby.

Oh, she doesn't. Go off, you pet!

I've got the details of some areas here
for us to look at. This is quite a nice

one. Good -sized kitchen and garden.

Oh, no, it's no good.

It's only got two bedrooms.

Well, that wouldn't even be a problem. I
could always move in with Kimberley.

She wouldn't mind.

Do you really think I'd abandon you?

I'm going to make a secure home for you.

I won't let you down like your dad.

Thanks, Mum.

Besides, you're the man of the house
now.

Mummy's very own little man of the
house.

I've got to go.

You've only just got here. I know, but I
don't want to keep Garthy up past his

bedtime.

Am I still coming round later?

Oh, I'm sorry, I've got a rule.

I never sleep with invertebrates.

Hello, Kimberley.

You know women?

Yeah, enough to know that when they're
upset, there's usually a bloke at the

bottom of it.

It's all about Garthy, your big baby.

Right, where's your mother?

She's in there. She's looking at
properties.

Oh, is she now?

koozie, did you?

What? To look at places.

You may have decided you're the only one
that can make decisions, and I know

it's the rent from this place that's
going to pay for the new one, but I'm

to be living there as well, so I'm
entitled to be consulted.

No, no.

Rewind, rewind. I'm not entitled to be
consulted. I am insisting on being

consulted. No, no.

Rewind again.

I am demanding to be consulted.

Of course you'll be consulted.

Oh, that's all right then.

Right, I made a list while I was having
a soak.

OK, if I read it.

Right.

Number one.

We are only interested in houses.

Or a flat.

Oh, so much for me having a say.

What's the point in limiting ourselves
to houses?

What would be wrong with a nice big
flat?

OK, yeah, I see your point.

A nice big flat would be OK.

But it's got to have a big garden.

That's my number two. We definitely want
a big garden.

What? You're always complaining about
this one here. What would be wrong with

something smaller? We could keep it
nicer.

Well, I'll go along with that.

Having Hyde Park stuck in the back of
your house can be a right pain.

Right, all right. Forget the big garden.

Number three.

En -suite bathroom for every bedroom.

In our price range. Be serious.

Number four.

Now, this is definitely a definite.

We must have a garage.

So what you're saying is that if we find
somewhere that's absolutely perfect,

lovely garden, everything we want, we
don't take it if it hasn't got a garage?

No. No, not if it's perfect.

So a garage isn't definitely definite
then, is it?

Number five.

Big kitchen.

No, size ain't important, as long as
it's fully equipped.

Six, running water.

Well, what do you think, we're going to
have a well?

with that one, can you?

Because you've dodged every other
suggestion I've made.

Well, I'm just waiting for you to say
something sensible.

It don't matter what I'd say, you'd be
contrary.

You have turned into a right little
Hitler.

I'll tell you something, I've got a good
mind to tell you to stuff your ass.

See how you like living on your own, eh?

I wouldn't be on my own, would I? I'd
have Garfield with me.

Hold on, girls, hold on.

It's getting a bit out of hand, isn't
it?

I'm sorry, I can't have her making every
decision.

Well, she's not going to be making every
decision.

Come on, let's talk about this sensibly,
eh? Over a nice takeaway.

Yeah, all right, then.

What are we going to be having?

Well, Mum's paying. It's up to her.

Huh. No change there, then.

Look at this.

It looks like an eye chart.

I'm spending straight back.

Yeah, and when you get your money back,
remember where you got it in the first

place. Now, come on, they're letting...
Agent will be here soon.

Got another nice house to look at.

Got a kennel for me out the back, is it?

Morning door.

Couldn't do us a favour, could you?

No.

You don't know what it is yet? I don't
care what it is.

I'm not doing it.

That's a bit... Selfish.

Inconsiderate. Downright hurtful.

Good. Now perhaps you have an inkling of
how I feel.

You're moving.

And how does your nearest and dearest
friend find out?

I told her last night.

Oh, you mean you?

Well, yeah, I suppose you are, I near
it.

Oh, these years I've been living next
door and I have to get it from the

milkman.

And the baker and the plumber.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, Dawn. Oh, don't
bother apologising. My feelings are

obviously of no consequence.

Just send me a postcard from wherever
you're going.

OK, got a stamp?

Oh, come on, Dawn, don't... be like
that.

I just had it in my head, you know.

I wouldn't purposely keep you in the
dark.

Well, why are you going?

We've got no choice.

I can't stand the neighbours.

Well, that's two things you and I share.

That and the waist sizes of little and
large.

It's the only way we can solve our money
problems.

Well, I have money.

Oh, Dore.

I'll never be forced to move.

But I'm going to miss you.

We'll still see us. We aren't going far.

We'll probably still be on the sign page
of the A to Z.

Geographically, perhaps, but not
socially.

There is Chigwell, and there is ethics.

If you live in the latter, you eat at BP
to pubs, buy Laura Ashley soft

furnishings, and have that awful Teresa
Gorman as a role model.

Oh, God, who's going to live here?
Promise me it won't be a lottery winner.

I'm coming to see it this afternoon.

Actually, he's a diplomat.

Diplomat's good.

Well, that's the favour I was going to
ask. Could you be here to let me in?

we're going to have to look at houses.

Only if he's here before three.

I'm leaving for Monaco at half past.

I told you I was going to have fun. Now
I'm footloose. It's going to be

wonderful. I shall be there for the most
glamorous weekend of the year.

I hate to mention this, Dor, but I
really think I should.

I don't want you to go there and be
disappointed.

You do realise it's pronounced Grand
Prix, don't you?

Come on, Cheryl, we're leaving in a
minute. I'm going up to check your

God help you if there's pizza boxes or
kebab papers under your bed.

Yes, my Fiora.

Dor?

If you're looking for a lodger, can I
have first refusal?

No. Why do you ask?

Remember how trite he was when you first
met him?

Fragile.

Indecisive. Complete and utter wreck.

Yeah, the good old days.

This hard -boiled, assertive version is
really getting on my throat, Maisie.

Well, people change.

Living with you can't be easy, Sharon.

Just watching you eat is an affront to
every civilised person with any degree

social mores.

You what?

You have no manners.

Oh, yeah, it's like a bomb.

Look, if Tracey has decided to assert
herself, why don't you do the same?

out on your own. Get a job. Get a flat.

Will you have no choice?

It's either that or surrender your
dignity and become nothing more than

kept lackey.

Look, I'm no stranger to degradation.

I lived off the social.

Supplementary benefit, rent rebate, milk
tokens.

I claimed a lot.

What milk tokens? We're only for
expectant mothers.

Yeah, don't let anyone tell you. Being
fat don't have its advantages.

So, what do you think?

Nice. It's too cramped. The garden's
overlooked. The floorboards squeak and

smells funny. Not what we want at all,
really.

Well, you heard what I said.

Trace, can I carry your bag?

No.

No.

No.

No.

Yes. It's everything I want. It's light,
roomy, lovely ceilings, good location.

Yeah. Yeah, OK, get on with it.

All right, all right, no, no, just cut
to the chase, will you?

What?

Oh, forget it.

These sex lines just aren't what they
were.

Hi,

hello, I'm Jerry Muriad from Harmon's
Letting. We've come to see the house.

Dorian Green.

I have been expecting you. Good. Let me
introduce our clients. Mr and Mrs and

Mrs and Mrs and Mrs Arafat.

Oh, my dead body.

We'll take it.

Honestly, I mean, you wouldn't tease a
very, very tired letting agent. No, no,

love it. And it's got a really familiar
feel about it.

Well, it would.

The first one we looked at. I know.

You felt different this time.

Maybe they were decorated.

God knows they had the time.

Who does she think she is, saying who
can and who can't live in my house? When

she gets back from Monaco, I'll have
her. Calm down, Mum. They've found

else to rent the place.

That's not the point.

Why did she do it in the first place?

Because she's Jewish.

So? Don't you watch the news?

Because she's with neighbours.

I like Auntie Sharon to do Ubering. I
know. I just happened to mention there

a few jobs needed doing. The next thing
I know, she was whizzing round with the

upright.

Bit worrying, isn't it? A couple of days
ago, she was being downright bolshy,

and now, all of a sudden, she can't do
enough for you.

Right. I'm going to give the bathrooms
and the toilets a good clean next.

How's the cup of tea? I've got five
minutes before that cake I'm baking has

out the oven.

Yeah, OK.

Bet I'll get the doctor round once he's
washed the car.

How's the cup of tea, Garth?

Please.

So, when are you going to see the new
place, then?

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah. Oh, you'll have to go round there
soon, love. I need to know what colour

scheme you're having in your bedroom.

I'm having lemon with a hint of conker.

Sharon's having peach with a touch of
burnt oak.

Am I?

Of course I am.

You pick for me.

No, it's your room. I need to know how
you'd like it.

Dark with a feel of Kimberley.

Listen, Mum.

Moving to this new house, you're opening
a new chapter in your life.

Yeah, hopefully.

Well, that's great.

But I just think it's time that I did
the same.

Moved out from under your feet.

You wouldn't be under me feet.

I told you. I want to make a secure home
for you.

Just like your dad's got.

I don't need the room, Mum.

I want to leave.

I want to move in with Kimberley.

Oh, I see.

I know it's lousy timing, what with Dad
going down again, but...

No, no.

I understand.

You're not too upset, are you?

No. So long as she looks after my baby.

Mum, we'll be fine.

I think I'll go round there now, letting
her know it's all sorted.

I'll probably be staying the night now.

She's a lucky girl, Garth.

You would say that. You're my mum.

Right, I'm off.

See you later. See you, Aunty Cheryl.

Bye, Garth.

Gonna miss you, Garth.

Can I have his room, Trace?

Well, it's bigger than mine.

Are you all right, mate?

The trouble with me is I keep forgetting
he's grown up.

Yeah.

I've seen you in the supermarket, gazing
longingly at the baby wipes.

I suppose I've just got to learn you
can't run people's lives for them.

That's right, Trace. You can't.

Are you trying to say something?

Yes.

About the way you've been bossing me
around lately?

I just wanted to make a few of my own
decisions. I am allowed to, you know. I

don't have to refer to you every time. I
know.

I mean, do you really think I'm moving
out of a million pound house into

something smaller just to get at you?

I'm not saying that.

So what are you saying, Sharon?

You don't know, do you?

I'm not doing anything wrong.

Any problem there is, is in your head.

You're paranoid.

Now, come on, let's get out of here
before Dorian gets back.

Yes, Trace. Make that tea.

And that cake should be ready by now.

Yes, Trace.

This is the last.

Bang it down there with the rubbish.

Listen, Mum, I'm going to write to Dad,
tell him where you're moving, OK?

Up to you.

Have a go at this scarf, it won't budge.

Oh, looks like the screws are rusted.

The end of an era.

We're moving.

It's not the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Don't sell the occasion short, Trace.

What we've gone through here has been
pivotal.

It's shaped us.

I was going to say that I'm twice the
woman I was when I moved in, but I know

Garfield will make a cheap, fat joke.

Do you reckon we'll ever live here
again?

I shouldn't think so.

Shame. Is it?

This house is the reason I haven't had a
husband for the last eight years.

No, that was because he robbed banks,
handled counterfeit cash and defrauded

own wife.

Yes, but why did he do all those things
to give me this?

And the fact is, I never wanted this.

I'm going to be much happier in this new
small house we're going to.

The good things in life are wasted on
you working class.

There you go, Mark.

It's me. I'm back.

I had a great time.

Monaco was fantastic.

I can't wait to tell you.

Not still mad at me, are you?

What expensive gift is a peace offering?

My word.

Sushi?

Fishmonger must run out of wealth.

Oh no, too salty.

Mmm, not salty enough.

You must be the new people.

I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you'd
moved in. I'm from next door.