Original subtitles

What will I do when you are gone?

Do you think I've been able to enjoy a vindaloo?

You have no idea how life -restricting piles can be.

I wish I still didn't.

Get a doggy bag.

You haven't left anything.

Well, someone might.

I am sorry, madam.

Your credit card.

It has not been accepted.

I am very sorry.

God damn it, ma 'am.

I must have done a mistake.

Are you kidding me? Not normally, no.

But we've been so skinned up and getting all my shopping on it.

I could have thought there were still 50 left.

You know how it is.

Ten are here, ten are there. Soon those can't. No, I religiously write it all

down.

Here.

Those T -shirts you got for your Chris Theodopolopoulos' innocent campaign.

How did you pay for them? You haven't got any money.

I didn't think you'd mind seeing it was such a good cause.

How dare you use my credit card?

Do you use my earrings?

How much money you got on you?

About 38p.

Haven't you got any?

No. I just changed all the pennies up in the penny jar to pay the milkman.

Let's do a runner.

It's an Indian. We've got no money. It's what you do.

No. We'll apologise, tell them we've got no money and they'll let us bring it in

tomorrow.

And if we get lost on the way home, we can follow Hansel and Gretel's trail of

breadcrumbs all the way back to our cosy little cottage in the woods.

It'll work. I'll give them the sob story, tell them the boys are in prison

our business has gone bust because my husband defrauded us out of its assets.

You are going to air our dirty washing in public.

It'll be better than a cabaret.

Let's go.

Leave it.

Oh, sorry.

37 years of age and I'm doing a runner from an Indian.

It's clever, don't you? Well, I don't suppose we'll win any Nobel Prizes for

But it saved us 20 quid and I know which I'd rather have. I'm so embarrassed for

letting myself get in this thing.

They'll be out in a minute. What's the matter?

Trace? What?

I've left the keys on the table.

Honestly,

I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.

No sumo wrestler jokes, please.

husband to answer to means I now feel liberated.

Because you never did exactly what you wanted to do when you was with Marcus.

A woman in chains, that was you.

Some nights.

So what are you going to do with this newfound freedom then?

Oh, not just me.

Now you've seen the light about that gangster you married. We're all three of

emancipated. It is the perfect opportunity to celebrate our womanhood.

You don't want us to go out into the woods and talk about our Period, do you?

One doesn't have to be a tampon -waving feminist to celebrate one's femininity.

I just want us to have some fun.

Get men, you mean?

No. So what, then?

Well, OK, men might be good.

There you go, door. Home delivery.

On your feet, girls. Excuse me?

On your feet!

You got it, mate?

Yep. You silly cow!

You ain't let the bailiffs in!

Mind the woodwork.

Tracy! It's all right, Sharon. I'm just getting rid of the sweet.

Oh, hooray!

That elusive bird of good taste has finally come here to roost. There's

wrong with my taste.

I've sold it because we need the money.

Have you gone mad?

Why didn't you talk to me first?

Because I want to make my own decision from now on.

I'm in this mess because one way or another, I've let people control me all

life. It's time I took over.

This is all because you saw that woman on Ricky Lake whose husband wanted her

warm the toilet seat for him.

I'm on the verge of being cut off. We owe a fortune to the bank from the

business guy and bust.

What do you suggest I do to pay?

I told you, I can stall the bank.

Look, show them proof that our business is about to pick up again.

Sharon, the horoscope section of Take a Break is not a recognised economic

industry.

manager you.

Picky, picky, picky.

Telling your furniture, Tracy.

I mean, that's what they do in the third world.

And Edmonton.

I had nothing else.

Me jewellery's already in hock. We've a telly next.

Something from one financial crisis to another. If I hadn't come to your aid

last night, that restaurant manager would have called the police.

She's right.

Oh, is she? So what do you suggest I do, then?

Go and see Jonathan, my accountant.

That's what they're for.

I'll see an accountant, but not your accountant.

He's a pervert.

Oh, that's a bit harsh.

You had him chained to your living room door naked, except for a giant nappy.

Isn't that your idea of a pervert?

Don't even come close.

His predilections have no bearing on his professionalism. Jonathan is a very

bright and smart guy.

All his romper suits are Savile Rose.

Ah, don't you dare!

Get this.

This is

ridiculous. Shut up complaining.

I think really what you've got to do is that, I think... There you

go. I don't even notice they're missing.

Before we start, I really want to apologise.

I don't want to talk about it.

I understand.

So, how are you?

Fine.

Look, I really need to explain about that whole nappy thing.

I just want to assure you that it was all Dorian's idea.

Before I met her, I was strictly a light -off, socks -on sort of chap.

Don't get me wrong, I was perfectly adequate.

My wife never had any complaints.

Though, of course, she has left me now.

Finding the size 11 knitted booties was the final straw.

I don't want to talk about it.

Absolutely. Not another word.

I'm just going to...

Hello, Jonathan.

Tracey, you didn't say that Jonathan was coming round today.

Must have forgot.

I bet.

Lucky I called you, isn't it? Isn't it?

Oh,

look at him, Trace.

Got big, hasn't he?

Or I could make you up a bottle.

I've been looking through your figures, and you really are hip -deep in the most

appalling financial mess.

But you do have one major asset, which, if utilised properly, should solve all

your problems.

This house.

Precisely. You mean sell it?

Well, that's a big decision.

We're going to have to take it away, mull it over for a while, you know,

it. We'll sell.

That's not quite what I meant by discuss...

I've already been thinking about it, and it's a sensible option.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

We're living in a million -pound house and having to nick serviettes from

King because we can't afford toilet rolls.

Yes, yes, I see your point, but you're still not getting it.

By discussion, I meant me having a say.

Sharon, when I said I wanted to make my own decisions from now on, I meant it.

After all, this is my house.

And you think that gives you the right to sell it, do you?

Yeah, well, OK, maybe it does.

But don't you think you have a moral obligation to discuss it with me first?

No!

Actually, Tracey, there might be a better option than selling.

Renting. Oh, yeah?

How would that work exactly?

As you just said, yours is a substantial property, which would yield a

substantial monthly rent.

Now, with that income, you could rent a more modest home, continue servicing

your bank debt, and probably still have enough to live on.

No, no, sell it. Get it off your back.

Sharon,

I like the sound of renting.

No, no, no, no, no. I've asked you, keep it out.

Look, if you're going to ignore everything I say, I might as well not be

Now you're getting it.

Something's different in here.

Give me a minute, I'll get it.

I think it's cool.

You can't lose the TV remote down the back of a deck chair.

You're not thinking of decorating our flat in early Brighton seafront.

Well, actually, I thought we'd have a bed in every room.

Oh, sure you're man enough.

Oh, no worries.

Just not quite man enough to tell Mummy you're leaving home yet, though.

Oh, it's awkward, Kimberley, what with my dad going inside.

I've just got to pick my moment. Oh, well, she treats you like a baby.

Oh, she doesn't. Go off, you pet!

I've got the details of some areas here for us to look at. This is quite a nice

one. Good -sized kitchen and garden.

Oh, no, it's no good.

It's only got two bedrooms.

Well, that wouldn't even be a problem. I could always move in with Kimberley.

She wouldn't mind.

Do you really think I'd abandon you?

I'm going to make a secure home for you.

I won't let you down like your dad.

Thanks, Mum.

Besides, you're the man of the house now.

Mummy's very own little man of the house.

I've got to go.

You've only just got here. I know, but I don't want to keep Garthy up past his

bedtime.

Am I still coming round later?

Oh, I'm sorry, I've got a rule.

I never sleep with invertebrates.

Hello, Kimberley.

You know women?

Yeah, enough to know that when they're upset, there's usually a bloke at the

bottom of it.

It's all about Garthy, your big baby.

Right, where's your mother?

She's in there. She's looking at properties.

Oh, is she now?

koozie, did you?

What? To look at places.

You may have decided you're the only one that can make decisions, and I know

it's the rent from this place that's going to pay for the new one, but I'm

to be living there as well, so I'm entitled to be consulted.

No, no.

Rewind, rewind. I'm not entitled to be consulted. I am insisting on being

consulted. No, no.

Rewind again.

I am demanding to be consulted.

Of course you'll be consulted.

Oh, that's all right then.

Right, I made a list while I was having a soak.

OK, if I read it.

Right.

Number one.

We are only interested in houses.

Or a flat.

Oh, so much for me having a say.

What's the point in limiting ourselves to houses?

What would be wrong with a nice big flat?

OK, yeah, I see your point.

A nice big flat would be OK.

But it's got to have a big garden.

That's my number two. We definitely want a big garden.

What? You're always complaining about this one here. What would be wrong with

something smaller? We could keep it nicer.

Well, I'll go along with that.

Having Hyde Park stuck in the back of your house can be a right pain.

Right, all right. Forget the big garden.

Number three.

En -suite bathroom for every bedroom.

In our price range. Be serious.

Number four.

Now, this is definitely a definite.

We must have a garage.

So what you're saying is that if we find somewhere that's absolutely perfect,

lovely garden, everything we want, we don't take it if it hasn't got a garage?

No. No, not if it's perfect.

So a garage isn't definitely definite then, is it?

Number five.

Big kitchen.

No, size ain't important, as long as it's fully equipped.

Six, running water.

Well, what do you think, we're going to have a well?

with that one, can you?

Because you've dodged every other suggestion I've made.

Well, I'm just waiting for you to say something sensible.

It don't matter what I'd say, you'd be contrary.

You have turned into a right little Hitler.

I'll tell you something, I've got a good mind to tell you to stuff your ass.

See how you like living on your own, eh?

I wouldn't be on my own, would I? I'd have Garfield with me.

Hold on, girls, hold on.

It's getting a bit out of hand, isn't it?

I'm sorry, I can't have her making every decision.

Well, she's not going to be making every decision.

Come on, let's talk about this sensibly, eh? Over a nice takeaway.

Yeah, all right, then.

What are we going to be having?

Well, Mum's paying. It's up to her.

Huh. No change there, then.

Look at this.

It looks like an eye chart.

I'm spending straight back.

Yeah, and when you get your money back, remember where you got it in the first

place. Now, come on, they're letting... Agent will be here soon.

Got another nice house to look at.

Got a kennel for me out the back, is it?

Morning door.

Couldn't do us a favour, could you?

No.

You don't know what it is yet? I don't care what it is.

I'm not doing it.

That's a bit... Selfish.

Inconsiderate. Downright hurtful.

Good. Now perhaps you have an inkling of how I feel.

You're moving.

And how does your nearest and dearest friend find out?

I told her last night.

Oh, you mean you?

Well, yeah, I suppose you are, I near it.

Oh, these years I've been living next door and I have to get it from the

milkman.

And the baker and the plumber.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, Dawn. Oh, don't bother apologising. My feelings are

obviously of no consequence.

Just send me a postcard from wherever you're going.

OK, got a stamp?

Oh, come on, Dawn, don't... be like that.

I just had it in my head, you know.

I wouldn't purposely keep you in the dark.

Well, why are you going?

We've got no choice.

I can't stand the neighbours.

Well, that's two things you and I share.

That and the waist sizes of little and large.

It's the only way we can solve our money problems.

Well, I have money.

Oh, Dore.

I'll never be forced to move.

But I'm going to miss you.

We'll still see us. We aren't going far.

We'll probably still be on the sign page of the A to Z.

Geographically, perhaps, but not socially.

There is Chigwell, and there is ethics.

If you live in the latter, you eat at BP to pubs, buy Laura Ashley soft

furnishings, and have that awful Teresa Gorman as a role model.

Oh, God, who's going to live here? Promise me it won't be a lottery winner.

I'm coming to see it this afternoon.

Actually, he's a diplomat.

Diplomat's good.

Well, that's the favour I was going to ask. Could you be here to let me in?

we're going to have to look at houses.

Only if he's here before three.

I'm leaving for Monaco at half past.

I told you I was going to have fun. Now I'm footloose. It's going to be

wonderful. I shall be there for the most glamorous weekend of the year.

I hate to mention this, Dor, but I really think I should.

I don't want you to go there and be disappointed.

You do realise it's pronounced Grand Prix, don't you?

Come on, Cheryl, we're leaving in a minute. I'm going up to check your

God help you if there's pizza boxes or kebab papers under your bed.

Yes, my Fiora.

Dor?

If you're looking for a lodger, can I have first refusal?

No. Why do you ask?

Remember how trite he was when you first met him?

Fragile.

Indecisive. Complete and utter wreck.

Yeah, the good old days.

This hard -boiled, assertive version is really getting on my throat, Maisie.

Well, people change.

Living with you can't be easy, Sharon.

Just watching you eat is an affront to every civilised person with any degree

social mores.

You what?

You have no manners.

Oh, yeah, it's like a bomb.

Look, if Tracey has decided to assert herself, why don't you do the same?

out on your own. Get a job. Get a flat.

Will you have no choice?

It's either that or surrender your dignity and become nothing more than

kept lackey.

Look, I'm no stranger to degradation.

I lived off the social.

Supplementary benefit, rent rebate, milk tokens.

I claimed a lot.

What milk tokens? We're only for expectant mothers.

Yeah, don't let anyone tell you. Being fat don't have its advantages.

So, what do you think?

Nice. It's too cramped. The garden's overlooked. The floorboards squeak and

smells funny. Not what we want at all, really.

Well, you heard what I said.

Trace, can I carry your bag?

No.

No.

No.

No.

Yes. It's everything I want. It's light, roomy, lovely ceilings, good location.

Yeah. Yeah, OK, get on with it.

All right, all right, no, no, just cut to the chase, will you?

What?

Oh, forget it.

These sex lines just aren't what they were.

Hi,

hello, I'm Jerry Muriad from Harmon's Letting. We've come to see the house.

Dorian Green.

I have been expecting you. Good. Let me introduce our clients. Mr and Mrs and

Mrs and Mrs and Mrs Arafat.

Oh, my dead body.

We'll take it.

Honestly, I mean, you wouldn't tease a very, very tired letting agent. No, no,

love it. And it's got a really familiar feel about it.

Well, it would.

The first one we looked at. I know.

You felt different this time.

Maybe they were decorated.

God knows they had the time.

Who does she think she is, saying who can and who can't live in my house? When

she gets back from Monaco, I'll have her. Calm down, Mum. They've found

else to rent the place.

That's not the point.

Why did she do it in the first place?

Because she's Jewish.

So? Don't you watch the news?

Because she's with neighbours.

I like Auntie Sharon to do Ubering. I know. I just happened to mention there

a few jobs needed doing. The next thing I know, she was whizzing round with the

upright.

Bit worrying, isn't it? A couple of days ago, she was being downright bolshy,

and now, all of a sudden, she can't do enough for you.

Right. I'm going to give the bathrooms and the toilets a good clean next.

How's the cup of tea? I've got five minutes before that cake I'm baking has

out the oven.

Yeah, OK.

Bet I'll get the doctor round once he's washed the car.

How's the cup of tea, Garth?

Please.

So, when are you going to see the new place, then?

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah. Oh, you'll have to go round there soon, love. I need to know what colour

scheme you're having in your bedroom.

I'm having lemon with a hint of conker.

Sharon's having peach with a touch of burnt oak.

Am I?

Of course I am.

You pick for me.

No, it's your room. I need to know how you'd like it.

Dark with a feel of Kimberley.

Listen, Mum.

Moving to this new house, you're opening a new chapter in your life.

Yeah, hopefully.

Well, that's great.

But I just think it's time that I did the same.

Moved out from under your feet.

You wouldn't be under me feet.

I told you. I want to make a secure home for you.

Just like your dad's got.

I don't need the room, Mum.

I want to leave.

I want to move in with Kimberley.

Oh, I see.

I know it's lousy timing, what with Dad going down again, but...

No, no.

I understand.

You're not too upset, are you?

No. So long as she looks after my baby.

Mum, we'll be fine.

I think I'll go round there now, letting her know it's all sorted.

I'll probably be staying the night now.

She's a lucky girl, Garth.

You would say that. You're my mum.

Right, I'm off.

See you later. See you, Aunty Cheryl.

Bye, Garth.

Gonna miss you, Garth.

Can I have his room, Trace?

Well, it's bigger than mine.

Are you all right, mate?

The trouble with me is I keep forgetting he's grown up.

Yeah.

I've seen you in the supermarket, gazing longingly at the baby wipes.

I suppose I've just got to learn you can't run people's lives for them.

That's right, Trace. You can't.

Are you trying to say something?

Yes.

About the way you've been bossing me around lately?

I just wanted to make a few of my own decisions. I am allowed to, you know. I

don't have to refer to you every time. I know.

I mean, do you really think I'm moving out of a million pound house into

something smaller just to get at you?

I'm not saying that.

So what are you saying, Sharon?

You don't know, do you?

I'm not doing anything wrong.

Any problem there is, is in your head.

You're paranoid.

Now, come on, let's get out of here before Dorian gets back.

Yes, Trace. Make that tea.

And that cake should be ready by now.

Yes, Trace.

This is the last.

Bang it down there with the rubbish.

Listen, Mum, I'm going to write to Dad, tell him where you're moving, OK?

Up to you.

Have a go at this scarf, it won't budge.

Oh, looks like the screws are rusted.

The end of an era.

We're moving.

It's not the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Don't sell the occasion short, Trace.

What we've gone through here has been pivotal.

It's shaped us.

I was going to say that I'm twice the woman I was when I moved in, but I know

Garfield will make a cheap, fat joke.

Do you reckon we'll ever live here again?

I shouldn't think so.

Shame. Is it?

This house is the reason I haven't had a husband for the last eight years.

No, that was because he robbed banks, handled counterfeit cash and defrauded

own wife.

Yes, but why did he do all those things to give me this?

And the fact is, I never wanted this.

I'm going to be much happier in this new small house we're going to.

The good things in life are wasted on you working class.

There you go, Mark.

It's me. I'm back.

I had a great time.

Monaco was fantastic.

I can't wait to tell you.

Not still mad at me, are you?

What expensive gift is a peace offering?

My word.

Sushi?

Fishmonger must run out of wealth.

Oh no, too salty.

Mmm, not salty enough.

You must be the new people.

I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you'd moved in. I'm from next door.