All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s07e05 Porridge

What will I do when you...

I've been sleeping again. You're a dead
man.

I just wanted to watch you.

You're beautiful when you're asleep.

I know. It's the only time me mouth's
shut.

I had a panic every time I've heard that
line.

I see you're still a right old misery in
the mornings.

Of course I'm miserable.

Who wouldn't be waking up in this
filthy, stinking rat hole?

No offence, I know it's your own.

Well, it's going to be your own from now
on, isn't it, Miss Iron Mighty?

Look, well, there's two blocks to jump
off.

Daryl won't have you back.

I'll worm me way in once the dust
settles.

No charge.

You belittled the man cancelling that
pool he'd set up.

So his pride's hurt. No -one died for
God's sake.

Only cos you got out of the house before
he got you with that baseball bat.

Why don't you come and live with me?

I'd really like it.

And I'd really like to know what they
mean by well hung.

I guess you won't be disappointed.

Just give it a chance. We could be cosy
here.

There's everything we need. Bed, table,
chairs.

Chair?

But there was only one in the skip.

There'll be other skips.

That's cool.

Remember to use that when Hello come
round to do their feature on you. I'm

telling you, things run out for me.

I've got my career.

in its broadest sense, are you?

Only I don't think I've ever heard it
applied to a 37 -year -old trainee pizza

delivery boy before.

Oh, that's right.

Put me down.

Different last night, though, wasn't it?
When you wanted me to give up my bed

for you.

Couldn't have been nicer.

Cool. I was using you.

Like you used me all the years we were
married.

Not very Barbara Cartland, I know, but
it works for us.

You're a hard -nosed...

Sorry, Chris.

I know you're lonely, but let's face it.

We're never going to be the happy
couple, are we?

There's always going to be the touch of
die and trolls about our relationship.

Don't suppose you fancy a shag, do I?

Up yours, big ears.

You've got the paper. You'll have to get
your own breakfast. I've got to get to

work. We're starting a new pool job
today.

I've left your pen on the side in case
you need it.

That's my pocket money, is it? Yeah,
well, you was a good boy last night.

times.

Nice to know I'm good for plumbing.

Oh, yeah, very good.

Now, look at me. I'm 40 years old.

I'm relying on you for handouts.

You've got my manhood in that purse of
yours.

Good job you told me. I wouldn't have
wanted to put it out when I was paying

my paper.

I'm a joker. up and I... You've only
been out a few days. You'll get back on

your feet soon. Yeah? Doing what?

I've got no qualifications.

I tried to contribute. I set up that
pool job. Your sister threw it back in

face. I am the man of the house. I ought
to be the breadwinner. No one worries

about that these days.

There's plenty of other ways you can
help out.

There's the washing, the ironing.

Let's get me a pink apron and change my
name to Mary Ann, shall we?

This is all shut up. bloody fault.

Tracy, Tracy, this is Philly.

I'm entitled to come in and get the rest
of my clothes. I've put them all in

black bags and left them by the bins for
the woman from the charity shop.

What?

It's all right. She hasn't been yet.
Yes, she has. She didn't want them.

bandana pyjamas.

I realise you and Daryl are still a bit
upset with me. I know I can't move back

straight away.

So how about this afternoon?

Tea time if you prefer.

No way. You went behind my husband's
back.

Only because he went over my head.

That was no excuse to be underhand.

Can we stop referring to body parts?

There's only the rude bits left.

And you're talking out of one of them.

I want an advance at the business for
key money on a flat.

No.

May I remind you that I own half our
firm?

And may I remind you that I am the sole
signatory on the business account and

you can't touch a penny unless I say so.

Why do you agree to that?

Because you know what you're like. Even
you know what a greedy, untrustworthy

cow you can be.

Fair enough, yeah.

remembered that, Tracey.

Thanks to you, he's having to rely on me
for handouts and he hates it.

He's pathetic.

If he was a man, he'd do what needs to
be done and go and get himself a job.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

That's what he needs, a job.

And we ought to be the ones to give him
one.

No.

No, no, no.

He just needs a kickstart summit to
boost his confidence.

Well, labouring for us won't do much for
his self -esteem.

Not labouring. I'm talking about
something more at board level.

The only board we've got, we iron on.

Say what you mean.

All right. I wanted to run things for a
while.

Oh, my

God, you're serious.

Why not make Chris our accountant? Then
we can go bust in one week instead of

two.

Dale's run a business before.

Oh, yeah.

Stubs, nixit and scarpers.

His conservatory business was legit and
always made a profit.

Oh, yeah, of course it did.

Cos twice a year we used to launder 100
grand's worth of stolen money through

him. Your dear Walter could look
competent in those circumstances.

Let me make it easier for you to say
yes.

If you don't agree to Daryl taking over,
you don't get your flat money.

This is not a good time.

My divorce is getting nastier by the
minute.

Marcus is actually challenging me for
custody of the house. The man is

implacable. Two sugars, Sharon.

25 years of marriage and only now does
he manage to stand firm.

You've got to help me.

I'm all alone.

At times like this, I bet you wish you
had kids.

Yeah, great bargaining chips.

Sharon meant that there'd be a great
source of love and support.

No, I meant as a single mum, she'd stand
more chance of getting a council flat.

Still, it'd probably be one of those
hard -to -let places.

Not allergic to asbestos, are you? Shut
up, Sharon.

I desperately need leverage.

Now, Marcus hasn't a clue that I know
all about his bit on the side and their

little love child. Now, that is his
Achilles heel.

If I can dig up some dirt on the slut,
then I can threaten with dragging their

sordid little affair through the courts
if he does not give me terms.

Does this avatar on how about you?

Are you kidding?

I am probably their favourite form of
light entertainment. My photograph stuck

up on the television and I can guess
which one it is too.

The ghastly one taken at the Royal
Garden Party where I'm standing next to

Princess Margaret wearing an identical
frock.

Looks like one of the Beverley sisters
has died.

You've got this picture of him, her and
the kid. Why don't you just confront him

with it? No.

I want more.

I want to hit him with a full dossier
and watch him squirm and wriggle on the

hook like the maggot that he is.

My God.

Listen to you.

All the times I thought about divorcing
Chris, it never occurred to me how

bitter and malicious and what downright
funny it could all be.

It ain't going to be difficult to find
her. All you've got to do is hang around

outside the kids' school and wait for
her to pick him up.

Yes, but which school, Tracy? I can't
wait outside every school in the South

East. I'll still be searching when I'm
45.

The name of the school is on the kids'
sweatshirt.

There you are. Look there.

Can't you see it? Look.

It says St Mary's Woodford.

Thank you, Tracy. I can read.

St Mary's, Woodford.

Hang on.

St Mary's?

That doesn't sound very Jewish.

My God, Marcus's trollop is a Catholic.

This could kill his mother.

Not in the lounge, Daryl. It's my house
too, you know.

I know, but if I had it enough, I might
punch a good -looking.

We've been talking and we've had an
idea.

Does it involve her, a lump of concrete
and a canal?

No. Then I'm not interested.

To help you get back into the swing of
things, we thought you might like to run

our pools business for a while.

I don't need charity.

Oh, well, you tried.

Do you want money for a flat or not?

fact is daryl we now realize we need you
and why is that because because

we're girls running a business it's a
man's job i thought you'd see that well

you was all right running that calf i
mean that was just cooking but you named

me one successful businessman who was a
woman would you mind

stepping in then well I don't know.
Look, we know it'd only be temporary

you work out what your own plans are.

Oh, well, maybe a couple of weeks.

We understand if you can only do it for
a couple of days. Look, here's the

details of the table.

The client's name's Mr Parsons. He won't
be there when you get there, but he's

going to leave the side gate open.

The lads will meet you at the builder's
merchant's and I've made a list of

everything you need. I have done this
sort of thing before, you know.

Of course you have, darling.

Now, look, I've been saving you a few
quid here straight away.

Now, there's no need to lay out for all
these tiles. I've got a couple of

hundred in the garage.

They're polystyrene.

So? We need them to line the swimming
pool.

Oh, swimming pool ones are smaller, are
they?

No, they're waterproof.

No, he was just winding you up.

Tiger, you ain't going to find out
nothing if you dive in with both fists

flying. You'll be a bit more slippery.

Yeah, have a look.

She's pushing twins.

How do we keep you short, door?

Too busy fertilising her allotment.

Holy mecca.

That's rich.

How many married men have you lifted
your nightie for?

We have a harmless diversion.

Marcus could have at least had the
courtesy to dump you for a look -out.

Can't do much for your ego, Adel.
Vincent, I am a glamorous woman.

Obviously, Marcus felt threatened by
that and is more at home with ugly.

Only of no one, eh, Sharon?

Let one explanation.

Though I reckon after being married to
you for 25 years, a seasoned -up hyena

would start to look good.

Please, why duck?

What are you ducking for, Tracey?

I don't know who you are.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to stop you watching the bill.

I think

we

can go a little faster.

No, let's get the van.

Well, put your foot down, they'll soon
scatter.

I don't believe this.

We are being outpaced by a woman with a
double... buggy on foot suit yourself

oh

i

didn't believe it we've lost them

park there and the place should be awash
with workmen flashing their cracks.

Maybe they've come for more supplies.

They only started this morning.

It takes them that long to remember
which end of the shovel to hold.

I reckon there's two possibilities.

Either they've been abducted by passing
aliens or they'll shake the boys down

the pub.

Shall we toss a coin?

It'll be a simple explanation.

Hello, Daryl.

Where are you, darling?

The address is here, plain as day.

24B Lake Road.

No, darling. That says 24 Blake Road.

Well, easy mistake to make.

do when they get home and find a dirty
great pit where their garden used to be?

Nominators for hearts of gold?

You know, I was blagging on the dog.

Shut up!

Look, all we have to do is fill it in
and relay the lawn.

And rebuild the ornamental pond.

What ornamental pond?

The one that was right in the middle of
this hole here now.

Nice and much waterfalls and fountains.
You do realise that if these people

decide to suit, we are going out of
business and I hope you... You remember

fought it, you know.

Happy now?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, take it out on me.

Anyone else want to have a pop?

I think this bloke's at the front of the
queue.

Welcome home, sir.

You're going to laugh when I tell you
what's happened.

He'll be all right.

He's probably clinging to a bar stool
somewhere.

Chris always got legless when he was in
the doghouse.

He'd wander in at some ungodly hour,
make a feeble attempt at lovemaking, and

finally pass out.

Then about midday, he'd wake up and
slither home to me.

There he is. Now, whatever you do, don't
let him see that... Daryl! Daryl!

That's all right, babe. I'm fine.

That you're bothered.

I've already been all night. I've been
worried... I wasn't coming home until I

sorted out the mess I made. It doesn't
matter about that.

Of course it does.

Sharon was right. If that bloke had
sued, he could have cleaned us out.

I've got to prove to you I'm not a total
washout.

You don't have to prove anything to me,
Daryl. Well, I've done it anyway.

Do you remember Dodsey, the butcher of
Ballam?

Nice bloke. Kept rabbits.

He'd been made, though, in the first
couple of years me and Chris was there.

Oh, look, anyway, the point is he's now
an international restaurateur.

Well, he's got a hotel in Epping,
anyway.

So I went to see him last night. I've
talked him into putting in a pool.

Just like that?

Yeah. Well, he was thinking about it
anyway. See, I took real good care of

when we was inside, so as soon as I told
him I was in the game, he gave us the

contract. I'm so proud of you.

Yeah. Well, I'm going to see him at one
just to cross the eyes and dot the T's,

but I've got to get him lunch.

I'm skint.

Couldn't sub me, could you? Of course I
can.

50 quid would do it.

I'm not having you look a cheapskate.
Here you are. You can have 100.

Oh, great. Only it's business, so could
I have a cheque off the business

account? No problem.

Here you go.

I, uh... Cheap stuff. I hope you've got
enough in there to cover it. It's over

15 grand in here. Oh, let him have a put
in it, eh?

Hi, how you doing?

Hiya. Hiya.

Oh,

my God.

Oh, I shouldn't have stopped with the
buggy there. I'm so sorry.

No, no, I'm fine.

Really? Are you sure?

You don't know who I am, do you?

Sorry. Should I?

Oh, you're the barmaid from The King's
Head.

Looks like you've twisted your ankle.

Come in and let me put a cold compress
on it for you. It's just across the

Thank you.

Sorry, I don't know your name.

It's Sharon.

You really should keep the weight off
that ankle at your age, Sharon.

Oh, fine.

Loosening up all the time.

I hope it's going to be OK for you to
work.

I know you have to walk miles behind
that bar every night.

I worked in a pub when I was at college.

Not like the king's head. It was
horrible, full of young guys who spent

night trying to grope you.

Where was this?

She's been wanted.

Just making a note to avoid it.

I've just been looking at that charming
photograph.

Your husband?

Yes, that's my Marcus.

What a coincidence.

My husband's called Marcus, too.

It's not a common name, is it?

You're not expecting, are you? I don't
want to intrude. Don't worry, he won't

home till late. He works all hours.

Up until quite recently, he was always
having to take long business trips

abroad.

Really?

How long have you been married?

Actually, we're not.

How long have you been together?

Just over three years.

My eldest is from my previous marriage.

And how did you meet?

Oh, I'm being terribly nosy, I know. But
I love to know how people got together.

I'm just a silly old romantic.

I was a physiotherapist and Marcus came
into the clinic for treatment.

He had a persistent groin strain.

Did he get one of those?

Seeing me didn't do it much good.

Inside a month, I was aggravating the
condition.

Do you think you will get married one
day?

Funnily enough, he suddenly started
talking about doing it quite soon.

It's been good for us to wait, though.
We both had pretty awful experiences in

the past.

My first husband wasn't much of a catch,
but Marcus was hitched to a real witch,

by all accounts.

Really? No, it was Dorian. A complete
cow.

Raspy, self -centered. There are two
sides to every story, of course.

Well, apparently, so he tells me, she
was, uh, frigid.

love to have met her, but she's dead.

Are you all right?

Good job, Marcus said.

She was bungee jumping.

Her elastic got damp and rotted and she
was splattered all over Brighton

seafront.

Marcus is a sweet, gentle man.

Every time he talks about it, he can't
help giggling.

I thought it was too good to laugh. That
sounds like little Marcus.

Oh, you call him that too.

Well, I felt sorry for her.

She's just a dull, dreary little
housewife who hasn't the nows to see

being deceived.

No, she's just innocent.

You can recognise it, because you've
been practising it all your married

Except this time, it's Marcus deceiving
you.

A case of the biter bit.

More like the slapper slapped.

Where was you last night?

I stayed here.

Not that it's any of your business.

Well, it might have been polite to
phone. Let me know you weren't coming

the flat.

You ain't got a phone.

He could have rung my sister, he could
have rung Costas, he could have rung

George and sent Tony round.

What did I think of that?

So, what about tonight?

Or have you done what you said and
wormed your way back in here?

I ain't worming my way back anywhere.

Thanks for asking, Chris.

Well, let me know, will you?

So I know whether or not to get another
chair in.

A farrowing trace.

He's out doing business.

He's negotiating with a big pool
contract.

Oh.

Apparently. And what's that supposed to
mean?

Worm?

It's just you've got an indestructible
blind spot where that old man of yours

concerned. I just prefer to wait and
see.

Isn't it too soon out of prison to be
doing business deals?

Probably agree to do the job of 500
snout and a rub -up against the

Secretary.

Oh, I don't believe I said that.

I'd better spend more time at the tennis
club.

falls off this deal with Dodsey, I am
going to want apologies.

Dodsey? Yeah, you remember him. You were
in Maidstone with him. He's an

international restaurateur now.

Really?

60 grand a degree.

Hold that!

Still using the same office, then,
Dodsey. What's the bubble doing here? I

know. What are you doing here?

Ah, so, it's moody notes, is it? I might
have guessed it wouldn't be swimming

pools. You what? Long story.

What do you want, Chris?

I've come here to stop you making the
biggest ricket of your life.

We're still under licence for four
years.

You get caught with counterfeit cash,
they'll bang you up again and throw away

the key. Oh, it ain't got religion now,
has it?

She just got you for a sunbeam, as he
bubbled. Look, I can't cut it going

straight, all right? Yeah, you've been
driving at least a fortnight.

Tracey deserves the best, and this is
the only way I can give it to her.

You think she's going to appreciate
this? Look, I can't promise anything.

But you walk away now.

I'll have a word with the manager at a
pizza parlour, see if I can get you a

delivery job.

You're just not getting it, are you,
Chris?

Have you finished now, Jiminy Cricket?

Can we do our deal, please?

Right. Now then, there is 60 grand here,
Donald.

At a discount rate of 25p in the pound,
that is going to cost you 15 large.

Uh -huh.

You've got it, then.

Yeah, I didn't spend 18 months banged up
with a con artist to not learn how to

forge a cheque.

That's the gills money!

Shut up.

Stop worrying, Zorba.

Look.

These little beauties are so good, it's
almost criminal.

Well, it is criminal, but...

Not even the governor of the Bank of
England himself is going to spot these.

Now, go on, then. Give us a fiver's
woof.

Oh, go on, then. Spend a ten.

I promise you, nothing can go wrong.

Now, when I said nothing... No, no, no.
I'm just a pizza boy, mate.

Who ordered the spicy hot one?

Madam Kevin Starks and Christopher
Theodopolopoulos. He's innocent.

Stupid.

I feel

compelled

to hand down the maximum punishment for
this crime allowable under law.

Six years imprisonment.

This will be added to the remainder of
your previous sentence, which means you

will each go to prison for a total of
ten years.

Take them down.

Tracy!