All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s07e04 Relative Strangers

And Chris is struggling.

What will I do?

On toast or on a waffle? How do you want
it? How do I want it? Across the

worktop with lots of sauce.

You're old yourself. You've turned into
an old perv. I know. I've been starved

of a home life for so long, anything
domestic turns me on.

Fancy a spin in the tumble dryer?

Don't you mean fancy a tumble in the
spin dryer?

Just you, me and the non -fast colours.

Oops. Sorry.

Again.

All right.

Sorry again.

But shouldn't we have... Flashing lights
outside each room. You know, like, in

use or not in use.

Or in your case, at it and not at it
yet.

It's my house and I'll be at it wherever
I like. If you don't like it, you know

what you can do. Now, come on, you two.
We've been all through that.

So we'll find somewhere else to live
when... Well, you know, whenever.

That's right.

Whenever. Yeah, whenever her and Chris
get something together.

Yeah. The next ice age comes before
that.

There's no rush. I mean, you said it
yourself. Yeah.

That was three days ago.

I ain't grovelling to no -one. But you
was glad I was here when you was banged

up. You was, Dale. Keeping an eye on
her, protecting her, supporting her. She

did, Dale. Lying for her, getting her
out scrapes. Eh?

What scrapes? Yeah, what scrapes?

Nothing, nothing.

No, no, no, come on out with it.

Now look what you've started.

Look, I'm sorry, but I'm late and it's
business.

I'm going to see Chris, remember?

We're using him as casual labour.

Let's face it.

Labour don't come more casual than him.

Come on, love, your fingers are getting
cold.

No, my fingers are getting hot again.
Come here.

Oh, yes, carry on. Don't mind me, I'm
sure.

Look, if I'm going to have a baby
brother, I don't want to see him being

and I don't want to see him being
conceived either. You're a fruit.

Well, you kept us awake all last night,
again.

What can I tell you?

Yes, it was really great listening to
your mum going, Yes, Daryl, yes!

Hang about, Trace, hang about.

Now, look.

We may be your parents, but we are
people in our own right. We are human

as well.

As well as what?

Rabbits?

I'm just going to change a straw.

I mean, the shapes.

I don't care what you've done.

You've embarrassed her.

Have some respect for your mother.

How dare you suggest she's a right
-goer?

days, but the week after that you
could... What is that whiff?

Orangutan.

Really? Where'd it pee?

Oh, it's the aftershave, look.

For primates only.

Supposed to drive women wild.

Yeah, could start a stampede in Oxford
Street.

But it won't be to Wolger, believe me.

Excuse me. Busy.

Hello?

Hello, door.

Where are you?

Where am I?

In a sexual contact booth with a phone
in it.

I can't get through to Tracy. She must
have taken the phone off the hook.

Sharon, I have to talk to someone.

God, it's taken me ages to get through
to you.

Do you need help? Are you English?

those around.

But it won't take my money.

What's wrong with my money?

My money too good for you? Is it too
posh or something?

Oh, five pathetic.

Where's the exchange rate?

Doctor, what's going on?

Oh, for God's sake, there's no exchange
rate. I mean, what kind of planet is

this? Stay in here much longer and you
are going to have to pay council tax.

Tell me why.

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm living with my mother, remember?
This is the only way I can have a

conversation. Well, hurry up, and maybe
we can all have one.

Some sort of jumped -up telephone
attendant.

Is that it?

A plainclothes telephone attendant?

Oh, no!

I put money in, you saw me!

That's enough. We get too much of that
around here.

Richard, there's hardly a phone box
working around here.

What? And it's not fair because the kids
get the blame and all the time it's

frustrated old birds like you.

That's the hourly rate, so four days
is... See?

I've gone for something more subtle.

What is it?

Rutting bison?

to this work or not.

There's holes to be dug and dosh to be
earned. Now, are you up for it? Sharon,

can be up for anything you fancy.

Oh, come on, Sharon.

You know, I've always rated you.

No, I didn't, actually.

It's come as a total bolt out of the
blue.

We was a great team. When?

Which season was that?

Tottenham Hotspur was a great team.

Liverpool was a great team.

win once. I'm different now, shall I?

I'm older.

I'm more mature.

Like fine wine.

Well, from what I've heard, you're more
like Tizer that the fizz has gone out

of.

Oh, what do you mean? Who's been
talking?

Tony reckons you've been out on the pool
every night. And all you've picked up

is a nasty rash from that crap
aftershave. I mean, look at it.

Aquafella.

Nerve gas me into some sort of
relationship with you. Come on, Sharon,

be really good for each other.

You been drinking that stuff as well?

All I'm trying to say is you don't have
to dash off. I like you being here.

I like to visit some of them.

So don't go on.

Let's try this one, eh?

Go on. You have first swig.

Turning into a touching reunion.

It is, isn't it?

Alone again, all the family out, the
house sleeps.

I know something that never sleeps.

If a man and wife can't be, well, man
and wife again after all this time.

I suppose it is sort of romantic when
the house is quiet.

Oh, for God's sake, Tracy, help.

And Derek, it's you I need.

You're not having him. And it's Daryl,
if you don't mind. No, I don't mind. I

don't mind at all. But you must help me.
I desperately need your experience and

experience. What for?

To break into next door. What?

Why not?

You're a criminal, aren't you?

No value judgment. Honestly, a criminal
is exactly what I need.

Marcus has changed all the locks.

I need a fully qualified burglar.

Someone who can break in with a minimum
mess of noise. She's not real. Tracy,

tell her about someone who's just come
out of the nick.

They're supposed to stop doing things
like that, Doris. Watch out! Oh, my God,

this is worse than being banged up.

This is like being the only bloke in
cell block H.

Please, just one more time. Just a
little one.

For a friend.

I am a special case.

I am a woman in jeopardy.

Stranded without my bits and bobs. There
are things I desperately need.

Make -up.

Perfume. A new thong.

I'll be down at the pub if anyone needs
me.

Love you.

I am going through pure hell. And it's
not fair.

You're supposed to be dead first.

Any joy, Chris?

I don't think joy is the word.

What did you get?

Asthma.

Asthma? Huh.

I wish my breathing were that good.

It is as though there is a great weight
across my chest. Your bra's probably

shrunk.

What's the flack, doll?

The flack?

My marriage is over.

What? Your marriage to Marcus?

Of course my marriage to Marcus. Who did
you think I was married to?

It's been difficult to tell at times.

I am locked out of the marital home.

The marital home.

Sounds bad, Trace.

People only call it that when they're
about to smash it up. Yeah, and that is

exactly what he's planning to do.

What? Marcus is getting the demolition
people in?

No, the solution.

with his business partner.

OK, not that shrewd.

Not that unusual, either.

And all right, so he discovered his
business partner in the living room. So?

So he was naked.

Well, a bit.

Which bit?

All bits.

And I mean just because he was tied up.

Manicled? Tied up, manicled. What's the
difference?

Make it sound worse than it was.

Is that possible, Dor?

Your husband comes home, finds your
lover handcuffed and naked and highly

excited.

It wasn't my fault. I wasn't even there.

Maybe he suddenly got the hots for
Marcus.

Divorce seems a bit rash, though.

Oh, but it only seems rash to us, Shell.
I mean, we know us.

I mean, it'd probably come as a bit of a
surprise to Marcus to suddenly find out

that his wife is absolutely anybody.

I mean, he's bad to react. Yes, but look
how he reacts.

Hysteria, tantrums. Oh, no.

He has the cool, calm presence of mind
to go upstairs, get his camera, come

downstairs and take a whole series.

They can't be that bad.

It's all right in them.

How bad is not the point? He has actual
proof of my infidelity. The

photos are evidence.

Hard evidence, by all accounts.

Oh, yes, that's right. Go on, laugh.

My life is just one big dirty joke to
you two, isn't it?

Look,

it is one thing being thrown out...

Talked about and humiliated. But it is
quite another to get a lousy settlement.

So you need the photos?

That's why you wanted Daryl to break in,
to get the photos.

No, to get the receipt.

The photos are still off being
developed.

I need you to help me get them back.

Hang about, hang about. We've got a
business to run. Yeah, we need someone

to take all the important calls.

No, no, look, you must help me. It'll be
very simple. He always takes them to

the same place.

The chemist by the corner.

Right. Well, that or the quick print by
the station.

OK. Although he has been known to use
the garage on the roundabout.

And last time he left them at Safeway's.

Help!

No photos for anyone called Green. No,
and there's nothing over there either.

And look at all this lot. Can't bring
herself to ask for them. Like a

buying her first contraceptive. Keeps
asking for something else instead.

So you haven't got any money, you keep
using mine.

I told you, when I get my plastic back.

When I get my plastic back?

You mean when we get our common sense
back and leave you to it? Oh, no, don't

desert me.

There's only one place left to try.

The one we usually go to.

and I've got to save myself a few, Bob.

Steady, Trace. Steady.

Remember, we're standing in the middle
of a cycle lane.

Lane? What does that mean?

It means we've got to give way to the
old bike, doesn't it?

smile.

Now go and ask for Mr. Green's photos.

I can't. He knows I'm Mrs. Green.

Well, he ain't going to give Mr. Green's
photos to anyone else, is he?

Now go and ask him.

Oh, God, this is embarrassing.

Of course it ain't. They're your
husband's photos, not yours.

Come on.

Morning, Mrs. Green.

Morning.

Just popped by.

No, no, no, no, just browsing. She's
come to get Mr Green's photos.

Oh, yes, yes.

They came back yesterday.

Here they are.

Do you want the enlargements as well?

Enlargements? How big are they?

She'll take them all.

12 pounds, exactly.

My legs have gone all wobbly.

Tracy, buy me some vitamins.

Why have they done this size?

They're divorce court size.

Oh, yes.

That's right. You pair of wires.

Anyone would think you've never seen a
man in a nappy chained to a living room

door before.

Yeah, my photos ain't like that.

Marcus and what? His lawyers having a
damn good laugh.

No, no, just family photos. Yes, well,
whose families?

It's Marcus and a woman and... What does
that say?

Happy birthday, Daddy.

a nappy chained to a door. Wake up!
Stop! Stop!

Believe me, Dal, this stuff is dynamite.

Sharon was round here this morning, had
her eating out of me hand.

Yeah, yeah, but Dal, look, this ain't
just about splashing perfume around. Oh,

no, no, no.

It's called aromatherapy.

Oh, yeah, a bloke on Ewing explained it
to me.

Remember that guru and holy man who got
nicked for converting them too young?

You see, it's based on a scientific
theory, Del.

Apparently, for every woman, there's a
particular aroma which will stimulate

hormones, throw a switch, and she'll
automatically drop them.

This is the one, Del.

This is the one that'll have Sharon
waving her knickers in the air.

Are you sure you don't want a box?

No, thanks. She might start waving them
about round here.

Oh, by the way, Chris.

Yeah? I just remembered something.

What? I remembered why I don't phone
you.

out of bed with a can of beer and a bag
of chips.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well, I can do that now.

I've got a role model.

Are you suggesting I don't do nothing?

Oh, no, no, I never said that.

I've just never seen you do anything.

But then I'm only 20, I suppose there's
time yet. All right, all right, let's

have a bit of respect.

I mean, look, this is just me settling
in and settling down, all right?

You don't know your old dad.

You never saw me in action.

No, that's because the police saw you
first.

Yeah. The trouble is, me and Chris, we
was pre -video.

I've always regretted that.

If we'd done those jobs now, we'd be up
there, on the screen, the whole robbery

from beginning to end.

Immortalised on primetime TV.

What a wonderful thing to show your
grandchildren.

Pity we was never captured on video.

I didn't need video to capture you two.

You're all attitude, you. I will assert
myself when I'm good and ready.

No. Neither of them's here.

But I'm here, and as you probably
guessed, it is my firm.

Well, what's your lowest quote? We'll
match it. We're that kind of outfit.

Careful, Dad. Shouldn't you wait
until... 35 ,000? You're on.

Contract?

Darryl Stubbs just said, you are on.

That's worth the contract round here. My
word is my bond.

Yeah, it's no problem.

I'll send one of the girls round
tomorrow.

Okay? Assertive enough?

any more of this feminine hysteria. Oh,
you'll get used to it. I did. Yeah?

Yeah. Took about seven years, mind.

Here, this will relax you. It's
freezing!

It's supposed to be.

When did anything freezing relax
anybody?

I've just seen my whole life pivot on
its fulcrum and then do a backflip into

oblivion. Those pills you keep taking.

What's the wobbler this time?

Oh, it's all right, love.

Dorian's just discovered some family she
didn't know she had.

This is why Marcus was so quick to get
rid of me. He has another life.

Another woman.

A duplicate of me.

She even looks like me.

Aye?

She's a redhead, Dor. And tall.

And young.

All these years he's led a double life.
He has deceived me at every turn.

Well, that makes two of you.

Oh, the humiliation of it. Even the
chemist knew before me.

And he's not even just another woman,
he's a whole other family.

Why, oh, why didn't I give him any
children?

If it wasn't for vanity, I'd have had a
few.

If it wasn't for Jurek, she'd have had
thousands.

But I didn't. And now she has him,
because she...

Oh, for God's sake, call the Samaritans
and get her out of here.

Don't be like that, love. She's had a
shock.

Yeah, you know what they say.

If you can't stand the heat, get out the
kitchen.

Don't you start. I've been doing
business while you've all been out.

Oh, brace yourself.

I've got another pool for us.

Oh, brilliant.

For us?

It's our pool business, if you don't
mind. Oh, come on. It's my old

business. Tart it up a bit.

Well, it is, really.

So what are you saying? That swimming
pools are just really underwater

conservatories? Yes.

Anyway. I've confirmed the pool in
Highgate.

£35 ,000. OK.

£35 ,000?

You prats! What are you saying, Mr
Darrell, like that?

Go on, Sharon, stick one on him.

What about me?

Why does everybody keep leaving me?

For a start, we wanted to lose that
Highgate job. There's no money in it.

There's 35 ,000 quid in it, you stupid
cow.

Well?

Well, what?

He called me a stupid cow.

I can't call him a prat, but he can call
me a stupid cow.

It's my house.

It is his house, shall.

Yeah, he can call us what he likes,
shall. There's a clause in the freehold.

Listen, prat in your own house, have you
seen that job?

First, we've got to dig up a concrete
patio two feet thick.

Then we've got to move the electricity
cables four yards to the right, under

electricity board supervision.

Then we've got to move his sewage pipes
right up one side of the garden, round

the pool and down the other side.

How his sewage pipes will take to the
effluence going up and down all day, we

don't know.

Personally, I won't need to ask him.
It's still 35 grand worth of business.

It's going to cost us 38 to build it.

Welcome home, mastermind.

You have a bit of respect.

All right.

We'll cut a few corners and break even.
It's still turnover.

It's still turnover?

Funny. I keep hearing this echo.

Look, the only thing that gets turned
over is us.

If there's no profit in it, there's no
money for our wages.

And no money in the kitty to fund the
next job.

It's only money.

What about me?

What about my tragedy?

Oh, shut up about your tragedy. Yeah,
they're starting one of their own.

Well, cos he's given them all the black,
hasn't he? My word is my bond and all

that crap.

If you don't catch him, you've got a
problem.

The company needs one big injection of
dosh or forget it. No company.

Remortgage the house? I think we've
already done that, haven't we?

Don't know. Ask him. It's his house.

I had a house once.

Shut up!

Good, isn't it?

Only been out a couple of days and the
morons wrecked the business.

Don't you dare call my husband a moron.

She's only being honest.

No, she was being kind.

You keep out of this, you knackered old
tart.

Careful. She ain't as knackered as she
looks.

Yeah, and Daryl ain't as stupid as
you're making him out to be.

Look, give him a break. He's only been
out a few days. He's still finding his

feet. He needs to find his brains first.

Well, I for one ain't going to stand by
and watch him sink us in our own pools.

Hello? Are you the man who wanted the
pool?

Well, you can't have it.

I'm sorry. The office boy wound you up.

He winds me up even more.

Right, that's it.

Time up. Pack your bags and sling your
hook.

Eh? Go and park your fat backside on
somebody else's sofa.

Sharon doesn't live here anymore.
Whichever way, you understand it best.

out of my house right now.

Now?

Right now?

Well, you knew you had to find somewhere
else, Shell.

I didn't know that was right now.

Oh, come on, you can't throw Sharon out.
Not just like that.

Oh, what do you want, a brass band
playing She's Leaving Home?

Throw Sharon out and I will never set
foot in this house again.

I've been living for this for the last
seven years.

I've got my husband back and I don't
care what anyone says.

I love him.

And I ain't going to let anyone spoil it
for us.

This is what I've been dreaming about.

I see.

In this dream, where was I?

Living in a cardboard box?

I'm still homeless.

I don't believe it.

I never thought I'd be... Become
documentary material.

Well, at least you've got your own mum
to go to.

What about you?

Where will you go?

Oh, don't worry about me.

I've got a string of places between
Miami and Tuscany.

I haven't got a clue.

My God.

I never thought I'd be in the same boat
as you.

yourself at home.