Original subtitles

What lo -

Only the bleached blonde one accusing the ugly, spotty one of being butch.

I suppose you won't be able to watch Prison Cell Block 8 when Daryl gets

No, I don't suppose it'll be his favourite viewing.

Sandwich. What's in them?

Tuna.

I don't know, have we had any tuna?

There's a tin started in the fridge.

That's not tuna, that's luxury cat food.

Tracy, you should have read the label.

It didn't occur to me that we ain't got a cat.

No, but Mrs Gilbert over the road asked me to feed her a moggy whilst she's

having her veins done.

That Randy Tabby who keeps me awake every night. That's the one.

It ought to be called Dorian.

That's true, yeah.

Right, I need my beauty sleep.

Tomorrow I'll get my husband back and my life begins again.

Yeah, come home, kick off his shoes and it'll be like he was never away.

Of course, there's a few things he'll have to get used to.

Electronic organisers, sun -dried tomatoes.

Is that like television?

Stuff, crust, people.

Computerised banking?

Oh no, I love computerised banking.

You need to be able to rob a bank for getting out of bed.

Don't say things like that. It's given me solemn vow that you're going to go

straight.

Sorry.

You think I'm fooling myself, don't you?

Eh? You think five minutes after Daryl's released, he'll be straight down a

sports shop pricing up crossbows.

So don't.

Like you said, it's going to be brilliant.

It's what you deserve.

Thanks, Sharon.

Of course, how I deal with Chris is another matter.

What, you weren't going to have nothing to do with him?

That's the plan.

You know Chris.

He's like that horrible rash I've got between me toes.

And his skin goes all flaky and scabby.

Just when you think you've seen the last of it, back it comes with a ring to it.

Sharon, out of the bed now.

Six more hours, Chris.

I'll be walking out of those gates a free man.

And my Tracey will be there with a big fat Havana.

My boy Garfield will be one big happy family again.

Then we'll all drive back to Dallentrace.

I'll have a nice cold beer, a long hot bath.

I'll give Garfield a fiver for the pictures.

And then me and Tracy will slide between the crisp white sheets of our king

-sized bed for an afternoon of fierce but tender passion.

Well, lucky old you.

What have I got to look forward to? A green line bus to Victoria, the tube to

Turnpike Lane, and then a rancid bed sit above a charity shop that Sharon so

kindly sorted out for me.

Still, you'll be free, eh?

Free to do what?

No prospects, no job, no wife?

She's only coming tomorrow morning to give me the keys.

Oh, don't. If she hated you that much, she'd give Tracy the keys for you.

Look, don't you want to get out of here? Live in a world where you can go to the

toilet without asking permission?

Feel free.

I'll stand guard, eh?

I don't want to go now.

It's a bit scary, though, ain't it? Scary?

No. It's wonderful.

They've tried to grind us down and they've failed. We've beaten Michael

You know what?

You're a bit like that Nelson Mandela.

What? Because I like loud shirts?

No, when he came out, his wife didn't care about him either. But he still

established himself as a leader of his people.

Are you saying I should go back to Cyprus and try me hand at politics?

No, I'm saying that he built a life after winning, and so can you.

With what?

They gave him a Nobel Peace Prize and the freedom of South Africa.

They've given me a poxy travel warrant and 45 quid.

What's the state of you?

Give it a rest, Mum.

But you could have at least had the decency to have a shave.

Well, actually, I'm growing a beard.

Kimberley says she likes me stubbly.

Why?

Don't ask.

It is Sharon, isn't it? Sharon Rackham.

Who are you?

Hilary Scott. I was in your class at school.

Of course it is!

It's Nutty Scotty!

I didn't recognise you about a bogey, anything you know.

I thought it was in 2B.

Are you sure?

I thought it was 3C.

No, I'm sure it was 2B.

2B or not 2B? That is the question.

I hope they kept him back again.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You were in 3A together.

So how come you ended up inside?

You was an intellectual, you.

You did an O -level.

Well, it was me dad's fault.

He was a big Johnny Cash fan. That's why he gave me such a puffy name.

So I'd have to learn to look after meself.

I learnt all right.

Then I graduated to looking after other people. Got into bad company. You know

how it goes.

But this time I'm definitely going straight.

Keeping your nose clean sort of thing.

Sorry about that, Garfield.

First things first, eh? Yeah, are you growing a beard?

That'd suit you.

Right, let's go. Where's the motor?

I've got to wait for Frick and Sharon.

Oh, who cares?

The sooner I get them to hurt me in life, the better.

No.

No. Fortunately, nobody calls me Hillary anymore.

What do they call you?

Hopeless.

Well, at least it's all the same initial, eh?

Like you have your shirt three monograms.

One of what?

Never mind.

So why'd they call you Hopeless?

Well, because I'm always going down.

Really?

Shell! Shell!

Who's that?

Shell!

Didn't hear anything.

He's not dead, at least.

Thank God for that.

Well, where's the nearest hospital?

Well, it's in there, isn't it?

Tracy, what have you done to our kitchen?

What do you mean?

Well, you've changed everything.

Well, we had to. Sharon blew up the old one.

What else have you ruined? Nothing, honest.

Look, I'm sorry. No, no, it's all right. It's just a bit of a shock, you know. I

mean... Lying in mid -bunk at night, I visualise things exactly the way they

were before.

Yeah, sorry about my voice breaking, Dad.

Well, that I don't mind, son.

I don't suppose there's a beer in the house?

I think there might be one in the fridge.

Oh, wonderful.

You're the best wife in the world.

Did you get through to the prison?

Well, so, how's Chris?

I'm afraid he's going to be all right.

Luckily, it was only his head.

Hold on.

Look, Chris may be a bit of a wally, but he's got feelings. He deserves better

from you.

No, Daryl. I did my bit.

Found him a lovely flat.

You said it was running with them.

Did I?

You said there's more chance of catching malaria in Chris's flat than in the

African jungle.

Well,

let's hope it dries out before you go and live there with him, eh, Sharon?

I think I'm just going to have a little wander around my domain.

Come on, Garfield.

So, that's how it's going to be now, is it?

You and Daryl ganging up on me at every opportunity?

No, I just think Daryl's right about Chris, that's all. I mean, if my husband

was in hospital, I'd be mounting a bedside vigil.

Well, if I was at Chris's bedside, he'd be trying to mount me.

Tracey, where's my sofa?

Oh, it lost the unequal battle with Sharon's bum.

As I recall, it was you and your girlfriend shagged it to bits.

Good boy.

I nearly forgot, darling. Here's some housekeeping.

Oh, Dale, you don't have to. Of course I do. I'm the main breadwinner now,

aren't I?

Forty quid.

Don't win much bread with forty quid.

I'll soon get some more, don't worry.

Blimey, what kept you? You've been home nearly two minutes.

Tracy, what can I say?

Oh, they're gorgeous.

Yes, they should be at nine pounds a stem.

Daryl, welcome home.

It's adoring, isn't it?

Close.

Tracy, is that the best bath you've got?

I'm surprised Daryl didn't whittle you something in the prison workshop.

He didn't promise not to do any whittling in his last week.

She was worried about his eyesight.

Let's have a picture of the happy couple.

Go on, nuzzle up.

It would be so nice for Tracy to have a photograph of you without a number

underneath.

Well, you can tell why that camera appealed to her, can't you?

Say porridge.

Am I out of focus or have you got a stocking over your face?

She's only joking, Daryl.

She probably only wants a mug shot so she can circulate it to the

watch.

Don't be silly, Sharon.

Just because one or two of the members have asked if I could furnish a

description so that they can greet you personally, you know, if they meet you.

Well, I'm nicking their video, as you may know.

Let me help you with the flowers, Tracy.

Doreen, do you always come in my back door without a by your leave? Well, it's

so convenient.

Do you think in future you could ring on the front doorbell like everyone else?

Because I'm back now, you see, and you wouldn't want to barge in one morning

find me starkers looking for me cocoa pops, would you?

You don't know Dorwyn.

Anyway, thanks for the flowers. I'm sure you've got a busy day.

Well, it is obvious that I am not welcome here.

I'll leave, shall I?

Uh, the front door.

I'll show you where it is, doll.

What about you, Garfield? Any plans for the day? Oh, I've got to get back to

work. Oh, good.

One down, one to go.

What about you? Weight watchers?

I'm free all day.

Oh. Well, I hear there's a very good film on down the Odeon.

The Odeon?

That shut down years ago.

It's a bingo all now.

Oh, bingo. Well, eyes down, look in. Here's a fiver.

Bagger off.

Come on, Daryl. It doesn't matter.

I mean, it's nice laying here having a cuddle.

Of course it bloody matters.

It happens to most men once in a while.

How would you know?

I mean, I had to read about it. It's always in Marie Claire. You know, about

who experience temporary... Impotence.

Deflation.

Let it get to you. Look, deflation may not bother Kenneth Clark, but it bothers

me.

I've waited seven and a half years for this, for God's sake.

Perhaps you're over -anxious. Yeah, well, if I am, you ain't helped.

What have I done?

Well, you've changed your perfume, for one thing.

Well, that knocked -off Chanel you bought me ran out.

We don't know. It was knocked off. You don't spell Chanel with an S.

Oh.

It's all my fault, then, is it?

Please don't pick a fight.

Oh, no, no, I'm not picking a fight, no. I don't blame you. It's been a long

time. You've changed.

You've got your mobile phone. You've got your new business. You've got your new

kitchen. Look, you're the most important person in my life.

Did I ever miss a visit? No.

Did I ever keep a secret from you? No. I told you everything about the kitchen,

the pool business, about having to remortgage the house.

Do what? Where was this?

to get some capital together or the business would have gone under. But it's

house. It was in my name.

Just to keep the filth from getting their hands on it, I paid for it. If

going to be picky, the Alliance and Leicester paid for it after you bypassed

normal application process.

Where do you get off putting these long sentences together? Oh, sorry, I forgot

you're the expert on long sentences.

In the old days, the good old days, when we used to have a row, you never asked

me back then, you used to just burst into tears.

I've changed. You're telling me.

Look, it'll be all right, Daryl, I promise.

It's just the pressure, that's all.

Later on tonight, you know.

Yeah? When everyone's gone.

What do you mean, when everyone's gone?

I've invited a few people round for a drink. Your mum and dad, Tina and Serge,

Debbie and Tommy.

What, tonight?

Of course tonight, your first night out. Don't you know nothing? My first night

out, I've got to go down the red line, haven't I?

It's traditional.

A con has to celebrate his first night of freedom with his old mates.

Oh, yeah, so they can get you into trouble again.

Oh, don't be stupid.

It's just a drink.

Maybe one of the blokes will be able to put a bit of work my way. Yeah, well, so

long as it's not the sort of work that involves a balaclava helmet and a sawn

-off shotgun.

No, we're not cancelling the party, Olive. We're just postponing it.

Daryl's gone out for a drink with a few of his old mates.

Says it's traditional.

What do you mean, if I was a proper wife, he'd have stayed home? If you was

proper mother, you'd have visited him more than three times in the last seven

years.

Cow.

I'm glad Daryl forced me out the house.

I'd never have gone to these scents and sensibility otherwise.

I see you are partaking of a small restorative, Mrs Stubbs.

Would you be affronted if I asked you to pour me a schooner while you're at it?

Cheers.

Party's off.

Daryl's out for a drink with a few of his old mates.

Doesn't take him long to get back into the old routine.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to see some of the old faces.

No, no, no, of course not.

As long as you don't get into any trouble.

Who said anything about trouble?

No one, no one.

Well, enough of sense and sensibility.

That was great expectations.

I'm all like little Dorrit.

Cheer up. Maybe he's come back.

Good evening, madam.

Terribly sorry to bother you this time of night.

Cut the crap door. Daryl's out.

He's out?

They didn't take long then.

I suppose he's off casing a joint somewhere.

No. All passion spent, Daryl's gone off down the boozer. It's traditional.

And what about the party?

It's cancelled, postponed.

Ah, well, saves me ruining your evening if I tell you I couldn't have come

anyway.

You weren't invited, though.

Did you invite a trace?

Spare me the banter, Sharon.

Well, don't you want to know why I couldn't come?

Dorian, I couldn't give a fly in Frankfurter.

Oh, do I discern trouble in the boudoir?

Mind your own.

I see.

Well, these things happen.

My problem was it was always a case of so many men, so little time.

To me, it's more a case of so much time and such little men.

In any event, Marcus is out of town, so I have invited his gorgeous, rampant

partner, Jonathan, round to go through my books.

It's all a game to you, isn't it, Dor?

Best game ever invented.

Yeah, well, to me, marriage is deadly serious.

Well, that's your big mistake.

Take it all seriously and you are bound to be unfulfilled. All men ultimately

disappoint.

Like Marcus.

What normal man sews up the opening in his pyjamas after less than a year of

marriage?

He never.

How did he get his arms in?

At least Jonathan likes to indulge in a little light bondage, so I know he's

always exactly where I've left him.

Right now, he is in my living room, helplessly chained to the back of the

And as a small tribute to the Marquis de Sade, I've put on Emmerdale at full

volume.

No wonder both your marriages stink.

Well, at least my marriage is honest.

I despise Chris and he knows it.

I gave the hospital my full permission to turn off his life support machine if

he ever regained consciousness.

Sounds like he might have.

Not too late, am I?

For what?

For the party, of course.

No, you're really early.

Hello, girls.

This is Hilary. You just came out today.

Oh, you must borrow my Judy Garland CD.

This is Dorian.

Also known as the local neighbourhood witch.

I don't want to sound rude, but what are you doing here?

I invited him to Daryl's party.

Yeah, I brought some lagers.

Well, I'm sorry, Hopeless, but Sharon had no right. This was for close friends

and family.

Well, it's all academic now anyway. The party's been cancelled.

Postponed. Oh, right.

Well, in that case, I'll just wish Daryl all the best and I'll be on my way.

Oh, no, don't go. Stay.

Daryl's actually here at the moment.

No, there's a wonderfully Dickensian tradition whereby an ex -prisoner has to

drink himself into a stupor with a lot of other ex -prisoners.

Oh, dear.

What do you mean, oh, dear?

Oh, just remembering the first time I came out of stir.

I went out for a drink with the old crowd.

An hour later, I was helping to hack a cash point out of a bank wall.

I was back inside before daylight.

You're not suggesting that Daryl was... No, no, not Daryl. Of course not.

What pub's he gone to?

Red Lion, Romford. That was my pub.

Yeah, but your dad was different.

I mean, for a start, he's not hopeless, is he? No, of course he isn't, Tracy.

Although I get the impression he didn't exactly exceed expectations earlier this

afternoon.

So, what about you, hopeless?

Going to look up family?

Haven't got any, have I?

Had once, when the wife left.

She took the kids, changed their name and emigrated to Poland.

LAUGHTER

Do you think she was trying to tell you something?

Oh, excuse me. If I wanted to be depressed by the woes of the underclass,

buy the Guardian.

Now, if you'll forgive me, I have a handcuffed accountant to tantalise.

Certified? He will be when I've finished with him.

I'd better be on my way, too. The hostel locks up at half ten. Oh, don't go.

We can have our own little party.

I've only brought enough lagers for myself.

Do you mind if I take them with me?

I'll see you out.

So stupid, shall.

I wanted so much to believe that when Daryl came home, everything was going to

be like it is in the pictures.

What, Reservoir Dogs?

Then I'll find out he's hanging out with a cast of Crime Watch UK.

You're getting carried away, Trace. He said he'd be home just after ten.

A clock or pipe?

You may think it's funny. You've never loved your husband, never infected all

your hopes and dreams, never put seven years of your life on hold.

Yes, I did.

For seven years, I was with Chris.

Keep it in proportion, Trace.

So he's gone boozing with some low lives.

He doesn't know anyone else, does he?

No.

After chucking out time, he'll probably go for a curry, throw up in the back of

a taxi and be home safe and sound no later than 3am.

Smelling like the rhino cage at London Zoo.

Thanks, Shell. You've made me feel a bit better now.

Nah. What, is Jehovah's Witnesses calling up dogs to catch us off guard?

Daryl, Daryl, are you all right? He is. My upholstery isn't. I'm 15 for the fair

and 25 for the velour.

Call it 15, that's it.

Get me back, shall I?

Daryl, Daryl, can you hear me?

Why, why, why did I laugh?

Hurry up, Cheryl.

I'll break down a door.

I'm all right, I'm all right, I'm all right.

There you go.

Daryl, Daryl, help me. Use your legs.

What legs?

Seven years, I'll wait.

And what does he do?

We don't know. He's done anything.

He could have won it.

He only had a few quid on him. He was going out to see some mates about work.

One of them probably told him about some off -licence to turn over.

Maybe he bought a winning lottery ticket in prison and he cashed it in tonight.

They're not allowed lottery tickets in prison.

They're not allowed to smoke marijuana or escape, but they do.

This is worse than my worst nightmare.

I mean, I was dreading Daryl doing another security van, something like

but somehow this is even worse.

Why? Because it's the same risk for a smaller return?

He's so tacky and desperate and second -rate.

I can't bear it, shall.

I can't bear the idea that every time he goes out that door, he could be doing

another job. And the first I'd know about it would be when the old bill

the door.

That's if they ain't on their way already.

Why don't we go upstairs and interrogate him?

Pour a pint of black coffee down his neck. I'll get the angle poised. We can

shine it in his eyes.

But even if we do sober him up enough to talk, he'll only deny it. That's what

professional villains do.

I wish he was back inside.

Tracy! I do. I wish he was back inside with another couple of weeks to do. Then

I could be looking forward instead of dreading every ring on the doorbell.

Oh, my God, did you do that?

Carol! Carol!

Look, look, Daryl's been here all night. He hasn't been out, right? You've been

here with a pair of us. Now, what am I going to do with this money?

Pin it to me so I've married another Greek. Oh, don't be stupid.

I desperately need your help.

What the hell are you doing coming to the front door?

Daryl told me to.

Oh, never mind all that. It's lovely to see you.

The key to Jonathan's handcuffs are broken off in the lock.

Daryl's done a garage or a 7 -Eleven. Look, I've got to get my hands on some

heavy cutting equipment.

I don't know what they're going to do if they find it. I've got the key and it's

broken off in the lock. Shut up!

Dorian, you first.

Why's she first? Shut up, Tracy.

Thank you, Sharon.

Tracy, please tell me you know where Daryl keeps his oxy -acetylene cutting

gear. What are you talking about?

Perhaps he's got some carbon steel bolt cutters. He doesn't rub banks anymore.

He does shops now. Even a stunt -hack saw would be better than nothing.

Doc, how do you know so much about cutting gear?

I once spent a week at Greenham Common.

Trying to pull a marine?

Well, if you know, why bother to ask?

Has Daryl got some plastic explosives hidden somewhere?

You can't use plastic explosives on him. Why not? Jonathan liked to play it

rough on us.

so you got it in exchange for sexual favours. What?

What is it, Chase?

Watch out.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, thank you for your wifely concerns, Sharon.

Dorian, we meet again.

Oh, that's all I need.

I thought they were keeping you in hospital overnight.

Well, they offered, but Daryl told me to meet him down at Red Lion.

Said the old crowd had helped to get us some dosh together.

Oh, did he? I suppose you're flush and all then. I wish. By the time I arrived,

everyone was skint.

What are you talking about?

Well, when Daryl got there, it was all, welcome home, Daryl. Good to see you,

Daryl. Here's a tenner, Daryl. Here's 20. Here's 50 quid to tide you over.

What? Yeah, well, when I got there, it was all, what's your quiz? I'll buy you

drink, but I'm a bit short.

Then they all take Daryl for a curry up to that new Indian strip club, the Pop

of Domogogo.

They left me starving to death waiting for the first bus.

Anyone would think they didn't like me.

I love you.

I'm sorry, Daryl. I shouldn't have mistrusted you. I'll never doubt you

Boys?

No.

Hammer? No.

Think Plunger? Don't be stupid, Sharon.

Am I not trying to help?

What about a screwdriver?

What are you talking about?

Well, it really changed the door.

You unscrewed the door.

Then you can hide him and the door in the back garden or somewhere.

Chris, you are a genius.

Get out of here. Oh.

Come on, Chris.

What? You've earned it.

Oh.

Oh, cheers, Trace.

I'll have that. Hey, give it back.

That will give Tracey housekeeping.

Tracey's got a house.

All I've got is a foxy bed seat.

You never do nothing for me.

I made you a tuna sandwich, didn't I?

Jonathan and I will put you up in the ritz for a fortnight.

Blimey. Daryl said there'd be opportunities on the outside.

Hello? Door! It's for you.

Do you want to speak to her?

It's not Marcus, is it?

Yeah, I'll tell her.

All right, then.

Bye.

Where is he? At the airport?

No. In the car?

Not exactly.

He's in your living room.

Oh, my God.

He said to ask you if you know anything about a naked accountant tied to the

back of a door.

You haven't got any more of that tuna, have you?

More laughs on BBC Tuna with Game On.

With only dreams of you that

won't come true.