Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do?

Sit down, Trace.

Watching you is wearing me out.

Relax, it's Christmas Eve.

I know it's Christmas Eve.

Looks like Santa Claus has crashed down to this plane here.

Don't do that present, Sharon. You're supposed to clear up after, not leave

of paper everywhere.

I've still got to stuff the turkey.

While you're a keep in front of the telly, starving like a pig with sinus

trouble, I'll be up to my arm picking a turkey's jet seat.

What a delightfully Dickensian image, Tracy.

She'd have it made into a Christmas card.

Why don't you tell Dawn to get a fur jacksie and help you out?

Me? No, I'm a guest.

No, you ain't.

You just barged in, uninvited, as usual. I brought chocolates, and could you

pass me one if your metabolism could stand the strain?

No, no, not the milk tray.

My expensive Belgian chocolates from Fortnum & Mason.

Can't pass you one of them.

Why not?

I'll get them all.

I thought Milk Tray would be right up your alley, Dawn. Yes, well, then you're

confusing me with one of your common friends.

Oh, I mean, because of the advert.

No, I do not belong to the sing -along -an -advert class myself.

Oh, it's great, the Milk Tray advert.

This gorgeous SAS -type hunk in figure -hugging black lowers himself from an

helicopter, abseils through your bedroom window and then dumps half a pound of

soft centres on your duvet cover.

And then he strips down to his Calvin Klein silk boxes, slides between my

sheets and we walnut whip together.

No, just these chocolates and legs it out the window.

And all because the lady loves milk tray.

Oh, Farrell used to buy me those chocolates when we were first married.

to lie in bed feeding them to each other.

Oh, it's going to start.

What is?

The depression.

She gets it every bank holiday, Christmas, birthdays.

West Ham home game. He's not funny, Sharon.

Just don't feel a whole woman, not one while Daryl's away.

Really expected him to be out this year. Thought he'd get parole easy.

Release compassion at leave. He was really confident.

Never mind, Tracy.

Perhaps you and Daryl will be reunited next Christmas, eh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Be great, just the four of us. No.

You, me, Daryl and Gough.

Oh, not expecting Chris to get parole, then?

No.

Well, he might.

But then you might get voted Miss International Chastity 1995.

It don't matter whether he's in or out, does it? Because I won't want him around

anyway. Yes, well, come to that, Sharon. Me and Daryl might not want you around

on our first Christmas together again.

We might want to be alone.

Or we might go away, somewhere romantic.

Oh, charming.

No, it's understandable that two lovebirds like Daryl and Tracy would

find some sun -kissed hideaway in which to rekindle their passion.

Exactly, doll.

Somewhere romantic, like Disneyland.

Romantic?

You, Daryl, and a failed actor dressed as a giant duck in a sailor suit?

Swap Chris for one.

Yes, well, whatever you say about him, Chris will be a free man one day.

Are you trying to give me indigestion?

Look, you're still married to him. I mean, you're always threatening to

him, but you're all math, aren't you? I think she still wants him deep down.

Yeah, about six feet deep down.

He didn't expect to set up home again with you.

In his dreams.

I think you should face that, Sharon. You are still man and wife.

This could be your last Christmas in Chigwell.

Luxuriating in Tracy's detached house.

Living the life of... What's the word I want?

The life of Riley.

The life of a parasite.

I was going to say.

And then, of course, at three o 'clock tomorrow, we go to Windsor Castle for

Queen's annual address to the Commonwealth.

And now... She'll be on the other side and all.

She'll get overexposed like that Tony Slattery fella.

Oh, what, mine? But if I had a family like hers, I'd want to keep me head

Did you see her in Moscow?

Look like mum at CMA.

Hey, Dawn, why are you passing the kitchen? You know what I could do

Body transplant?

No. You can fetch us a nice cup of tea. Oh, and a big slice of that death by

chocolate cake.

Feeling a bit peckish. Sharon, I'm not your skiddy.

You will be when I win the lottery.

And the pot shell.

Why aren't you using the dishwasher?

Nah, I can't get the hang of it.

Anyway, I like doing your china. It's so delicate compared to my mugs.

And it's the least I can do after all you've done for me. Well, that's true.

But what's the point of being stinking rich if you can't help out your only

sister?

And you'd do the same for me, wouldn't you?

Ah, ah, ah, not with soapy hands. It's a two -ply cashmere.

Oops.

Three cups, Tracy.

David Emanuel's still here.

King IV.

We don't stand on ceremony here. This isn't Buck House.

I know. The royals are far easier to please.

Don't get on your high horse just because you ran up Princess Di's dress.

My aim is the last, eh?

It's all right for them. They live in Buckingham Palace.

But my Chris's investiture is a big day for me.

I want to look my best.

I want you to look your best, Sharon, darling.

But I just don't think skin -tight leather does you any favours.

Besides, your figure's hardly Jerry Hall.

More like the out -of -it -all.

Oh, there's some suppressed hostility there, if I'm not mistaken.

I was only joking. Yeah, well, just because you're a husband will never

to anything.

Yeah, all right.

I own a raffle. Darryl will be the booby prize.

Oh, he might not be.

He might be the bucket they put the tickets in.

Boo.

I mean, it's not as if Chris and I haven't tried to help. I hate to think

much money we lost investing in Darryl's fish farm.

Yeah, all right. I've heard it all before.

I said it at the time. It was doomed from the start.

English people are never going to eat goldfish.

I thought it's all right for you. You've got Chris earning money faster than you

can spend it. And you've got that wonderful support if Greek family of

That's true.

Greek men do make the best husbands.

That's why the Queen's got one.

Daryl and the Duke of Edinburgh have got one thing in common.

Oh, yes, what's that?

No -one can remember the last time either of them had a proper job.

No, Tracey, your Daryl's never going to get himself together unless you get some

tough love.

I ain't going in for all them handcuffs and whips.

No, no.

Oprah was telling me about it at the Emmys.

Tough love is what they call it in the States.

You know, when you're hitched to a compulsive gambler or a drunk or a

you've got to say, I love you, but I'm not going to make excuses for you no

more.

Don't sound like tough love to me. Sounds more like tough shit. Well, it

work.

I mean, nothing else has.

Maybe if you left Daryl, it would get him off his backside.

You could stay with Chris and I. He wouldn't mind.

Well, that's very nice of you, Cheryl.

But Daryl's come up with this new scheme that actually sounds promising.

Forget it, Tracy. No, no, listen. You know how knit cars are on the increase

the time?

They are with Daryl around.

Oh, Cheryl, listen. No, Tracy.

Don't tell me.

Daryl wants us to finance a little workshop where he can re -spray stolen

the police, Mrs Theodoropoulos.

Why, are you shoplifting again, have you?

The front gate is under siege again.

Groupies as far as the eye can see.

It's disgusting.

The whole close smells of lust.

Lighten up, Doreen.

They're critic, loyal and faithful fans.

I mean, they paid for all this.

They go to the concert.

The hate of the great unwashed masses has always been a mystery to me.

Doreen, you're such a snob.

Here, Doreen, let me help you. No, no, no.

Really, Mrs. Tubbs, it is my job. I am very adequately recompensed.

Doreen, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but haven't you ever

thought about letting your hair down?

You know, finding yourself a young man that can reach the parts wages cannot

recompense?

Because you are my employer, I do not give you the right to question my moral

code.

I was brought up to believe that one should preserve one's purity until

marriage.

But not until you collect a bus pass.

No, I do not wish to discuss it.

Mrs Theodopoulopoulos, tomorrow night I will prepare beurre bourguignon.

I will set the oven on the timer for eight o 'clock.

Where are you going to be then?

Well, it is my birthday.

If you recall, you did say I could have it off.

Oh, I knew she was an old goer, really.

Got a hot date, have you, love?

I am going to the Barbican.

On my own.

I have treated myself to a ticket for Coriolanus.

Oh, I like them Irish folk singers.

No, it is a play by Shakespeare.

A tragedy.

I'll tell you what's a tragedy.

Her life's a tragedy.

Have you bought the poor old care anything for her birthday?

No, I usually give her a card with a couple of hundred pounds in it.

God knows what she spends it on.

Bibles, surgical stockings, annual subscription to what vacuum cleaner?

Oh, bless her.

I mean, don't you ever look at the poor old car moving away and think to

yourself, she could be quite presentable if she went up west and had a total

makeover?

The Royal Naval Dockyard Devonport couldn't make her over.

Your meal ticket's arrived, darling.

No, no, you've got to love me. I'll put the gun in the down here.

Are there stars out tonight? I don't know if it's funny or bright.

But I only have eyes for you, dear.

I know you're trying for another baby, but not in front of me, please.

Don't get pregnant smoking, Doreen. Are you sure?

I mean, the nuns always said... Never mind.

You've got it wrong, Doreen. After all, God invented sex.

And what is more, he made it fun.

Not my God.

Well, maybe not. But my God is a joyous God. In fact, my God is a Greek God.

My husband's a Greek God.

My husband's an old sod.

If anybody wants me, I shall be in the downstairs cloakroom throwing up.

Here, Chris, Daryl asked me to tell you about the scheme that he's dreamed up

and... Ah, ah, forget it, Tracy.

Tough love, remember?

Hey, that's a good title for a scene, eh?

Tough love.

I don't know how you figured them both.

Well, like it said in the Financial Times...

You're the voice, I'm the brain.

I don't know what Daryl's going to say when he finds out his best mate won't

even listen.

I didn't say that.

Christopher! Why, I don't know why I'm in listening, darling.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you and Daryl come round on Saturday night for some sushi?

Hey, I've invited a few friends round to talk about the world tour.

Christopher!

Dory!

Can you cook Japanese?

Mr Theodopoulopoulos, I am cordon bleu trained.

I can cook all the world's great cuisines. Well, you can't go Greek.

I said great cuisines.

All right. Instead of worrying about the bald tyre, the blown exhaust, the dodgy

brakes, how much for a moody MOT certificate?

Fifty?

Look, I'll run to thirty -five, plus an autographed picture of Chris Theodore

for your old lady.

Deal? Great.

Be lucky.

Good day at work, son. I must have grumbled.

Here, Dad, got you a nice stereo for the Avenger.

Only a score to you.

Or you can have one with remote for 30.

Or for 50, we can do your state of the art with CD loader.

Now, I hope you haven't been going round nicking these.

Of course I ain't, Dad.

But I know a gang that can.

Quick,

put them in your bag. Your mum won't understand.

Oh, I think you at least managed to get dressed today.

Things are looking up.

Garfield, lay the table.

Done it.

So, did you see Chris?

He's invited us round Saturday.

Put Sharon's nose right out of joint.

I told him I only needed ten grand.

He didn't go into detail. It's a bit embarrassing.

Why? He's loaded.

Every time one of his records goes on the radio, that's the pony in his

Oh, maybe I should try and touch him for twenty grand, then we can have an

holiday and all.

It's not a bad idea.

I was joking, Daryl. I mean, fair dues. They do lend us their beach house in

Miami every year. Yeah, well, maybe this year they'll lend us the fair and all.

I just don't want to think we're both liberty takers.

What you talking about?

Chris would be nothing today without me.

Eh? How do you make that out, then?

Well, when we was... No, all right.

Don't matter. Forget it.

What? What?

All right.

When we was kids, Chris was always singing.

And one day, I said to him, me...

You know what, Chris? You've got a bloody good voice. You ought to do that

living.

Ah, well, well, that explains his success.

God, I'm surprised they haven't put you up for the OBE instead of him.

You're not wrong, son.

Of course, if you went out and got yourself a job, somewhere where you go

day and work, and then they give you money every Friday, it wouldn't be so

for my sister to keep slagging you off. Forget it, Tracey.

I'm not going to change my life's plan for your stuck -up sister.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Jobs are for losers.

But we are losers, Dad.

Right, last bit now.

Right, me first.

I've got you to hold my hand.

I've got you to wander.

I've got you to walk with me.

I've got you to talk to me.

I've got you to kiss goodnight.

I've got you to hold me tight.

Lovely. Last part now.

Here we go.

I've got you there.

Well, what do you think?

Record it as a duet?

With my voice?

Well, why not?

Look, we can get your voice in a tune with a simple computer program.

You know, computers can do anything except make you even more desirable.

Oh, Chrissie.

Of course, Madonna will be upset.

She was really looking forward to working with you.

Yeah, I don't like letting a poor girl down.

I did promise her.

Yeah, well, you're too generous, Chris.

Good job you got me to look after the business side.

Well, the Queen is honouring me for our charity work.

Yes, well, there's charity work and there's liberty takers.

Now, you're not going to have a go at me again about poor old Daryl, are you?

But the sort of cash he wants is a drop in the ocean compared to one of my

monthly royalty checks.

Any drop would be wasted on Daryl.

He'll probably lose it playing pitch and toss with some lowlifes round the back

of the DSS.

Now, don't you go knocking the back of the DSS.

We had our first grope round the back of the DSS.

Remember. How could I forget?

It was the most romantic moment of my life.

It just upsets me seeing Tracy being dragged down to Daryl's level.

Why doesn't she kick him into touch?

She'd easily find another man.

that friend of yours who found her attractive?

Phil Collins.

That's the one.

I mean, he may be a slaphead, but... I mean, the money makes up for it.

But no, she just wants Daryl. God knows why. Come on, babe.

Now, me and Daryl go back a long way together.

Remember?

I know.

It's just that sometimes I think he must have some dirt on you, the way you keep

bailing him out.

Do it on me.

Oh, Mr. Clean.

Compared to me, Cliff's one of the sex pistols.

This would be nice for Saturday, wouldn't it? For your dinner party.

And it is me, isn't it?

It's rather low -cut, Mrs Stubbs.

I mean, if you lean forward over pudding, people will be able to see your

'oeuvres.

Don't listen to her.

If she sees a nun whose habit doesn't scrape the pavement, she hisses slut.

I am tempted.

And if only £19 .95 must be left over from the sale.

Actually, it's £1 ,995.

Oh, pop.

Is that all?

All? It's obscene.

£2 ,000 for that little frock?

You could supply five African villages with fresh water for that.

You could immunise 800 Cambodians against beriberi. Or we could have your

sewn up on bupa.

Mrs Theodoglopidis, it is bad enough you're peremptorily cancelling my day

and I have to trail round the shop carrying your purchases without... Oh,

stop moaning, Doreen, darling.

It's your birthday.

I'm in a generous mood.

Anything here catch your eye?

Yes. The exit.

Oh, go on, door. Take the plunge. You're only old once.

Yes. It's not your fault. You're a sexless, shrivelled -up old virgin, is

It is very generous of you, but the clothes in here are hardly my style.

That's because your style went out when Queen Victoria died.

Oh, that's nice.

Now, I don't usually bother with off the peg myself, but... Oh, it's gorgeous.

You'll look just like that Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman in that.

Doreen, deal with it.

Chris's greatest hits.

He'll announce that the proceeds of the new single are going to charity.

Then you do three encores and back to the helicopter.

Okay?

What's this concert night up in, Chris?

The Prince's Trust.

It's all notice, isn't it?

We're just helping out because Pavarotti fell through.

What, was he ill or something?

No, he was on stage rehearsing and he just fell through.

Everything satisfactory, Mrs Theodopolopoulos. Not bad.

What's that smell?

Daryl. Sorry.

Vampyra by Don Carlos.

It's a free world.

It's my perfume. It's £200 a bottle.

And those earrings are oddly reminiscent of a pair I didn't see in my jewellery

box this evening.

Well, you're always nagging me to make the best of myself.

Just wanting to make a good impression on your friends.

You couldn't make a good impression on my friends if you sat on them.

I wouldn't say that.

Everything satisfactory, Mr Winner.

Absolutely excellent, my dear.

And I should know, I've walked out of more restaurants than you've had cold

dinner.

More Pouligny Montrachet?

Oh, well, I suppose so. You haven't got any wine left.

I have to say, Doreen...

The sushi was superb.

Yeah, mine was cooked to a T. Well, thank you, kind sir.

Mine weren't cooked, it was raw.

Doreen! Kitchen.

You know,

Chris, like me, you have the most extraordinary personal charm.

He's trying to borrow money.

Au contraire, my dear, I'm trying to persuade your husband to star in my new

movie. Oh, I don't know, Mickey.

I mean, you know, I've got no training. I'm a singer.

Any business propositions, come to me, Mickey. Not Chris.

He'll say yes to anything.

He can sing the theme song.

What about the money?

Five million?

Five?

Arnie gets ten. All right, ten.

And ten percent of the growth?

Done.

And director approval.

Chris could have any director he likes, as long as it's me.

Ladies, shall we leave the boys to their small talk?

Now's my chance.

Chris, I want you to have a quick word.

Chris, Chris, you have got to do this film, please. I need it to relaunch my

career. All right, I'll do it. Just stop creasing the lapel.

Oh, Chris!

Chris! Have a cigar.

Oh. Have them all keep the case. Oh.

Anyhow, I've got a dynamite business proposition for you. What? You getting

the demolition game, then? It's a car science search. You know about car

trackers? Of course.

I've got one on the Lamborghini.

Well, I wouldn't need one. I have a driver.

Well, I suppose you need Nick the car.

I'd use one of the others.

Cars? I wouldn't try. Oh, God. Oh,

little millionaire shug now. Yeah.

I'm wetting myself.

Look, the thing is...

Your average rich tosser like that Michael Winner will pay over 500 notes

proper car tracker.

As much as that.

Oh.

Look,

where was I? Yeah, your genuine car tracker costs 500 quid. But I've worked

a way I can install them for 100 apiece. Oh, how's that then? Well, you get a

matchbox, bind it up in insulating tape, stick it to the chassis somewhere,

bingo. Hang about.

What use is an empty matchbox if the car gets nicked?

What's that got to do with it?

What do you mean?

Look, I'd lend you the money if it was legitimate.

But I am getting honoured by Her Majesty the Queen next week.

I have to stick to the straight and narrow.

You understand.

Yeah, of course.

Don't worry about it.

Right. Well, I think it's time we joined the ladies, gentlemen.

You can come as well, Mickey.

Yeah.

I want the limo at the stage door by 11 .30. No later.

Oh, please, shall I? I'm desperate.

I don't know what Daryl's going to do.

Tracey, I did not become businesswoman of the year by chucking money at losers.

Like I said to Robert Maxwell, I said, Bob, you've made your bed, you've got to

lie on it.

And boy, did he lie.

Look, if Daryl could come up with an honest scheme... Honest schemes aren't

Daryl's strong point.

Yes.

No, my housekeeper's out at present.

I've got the list somewhere.

Tracy, quick, come on.

Thank you.

Ready? OK, right.

A dozen lobsters, big ones.

Eight pounds of fillet steak, haunch of venison.

Five boxes of quail's eggs in aspic.

Lovely to nibble between meals.

Yeah. And a couple of crates of champagne.

Oh, and make sure it's the 82.

The last lot you sent was non -vintage.

Yeah, we had to bath in it.

You love rubbing my nose in it, don't you?

Did you arrange for them to ring while I was here?

Don't be stupid, Tracy. They ring every day.

You really think you're big, though, don't you?

Look, when the van comes, I'll give you a couple of lobsters to take home, all

right? I haven't even got a fish tank.

Please show. I mean, what have I got to look forward to, eh?

Besides Daryl's funeral?

Look, why don't you come up the palace with us?

I don't fancy going dancing.

No!

Buckingham Palace, when Chris gets his OBE next week.

Buckeye? Really?

But what about Daryl?

Sorry, Tracy, there's only one place.

Thank God for that.

He'll probably try and nick the crown jewels.

That's Chris, eh?

After all I've done for him.

I would have set us up for life, you know.

We would have been nearly legit.

Can you be nearly legit?

Of course.

That's when you know you're at it, but everyone else thinks you're a pillar of

the community.

Oh, what, like the government?

You're learning, son.

Yeah, I can lend you 500.

The cast area business is doing great.

In fact, we're thinking of moving into proper tellies, iPhiles, videos and

things. Of course, it'll mean investing in new equipment.

Ladder, crowbar.

Balaclava helmet.

No, I don't want no son of mine involved in housebreaking.

Cars is different. I mean, you're out of doors, you get the exercise, fresh air.

It's easy to have it around your toes.

You've got a brain on you, Garfield.

Those two years in local authority secure accommodation were not wasted.

You thought about asking the bank or the building society?

I'll be silly, son.

What bank's going to lend me money?

Well, I don't know to who you ask, do you?

say I love you and I mean

it from the bottom of my heart

Stray cats are always following him home. Oh, Mr. Stuff, please.

Show some respect for a superstar.

All right. Now, listen, we'd like to finish off tonight with my... No, no,

got to finish off.

With my latest single written by my very, very dear friend, the one and

Yeah, it was Terminator 4.

And she's wearing my new dress.

Do you want to hear it?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we try it out? You know, role -play it.

Sounds a bit puffer to me.

No, we was always doing role -plays at the Youth Custody Centre.

That's how I learnt how to talk my way into old ladies' flats posing as a meter

reader.

Come on.

You be you, Dad, and I'll be the bank manager.

Morning, sir.

Hey.

Oh, you've started.

Yes, well, er, good morning.

I'd like to talk about borrowing £10 ,000 to invest in a high -tech business

venture in a growth area.

Chris?

Chris!

Damn. Must have gone to the VIP bar already.

VIP? VIP.

Reggie!

Reggie, darling!

Could you unlock Chris's door? In case he's dozed off in there or something.

Come on, lovey, in a hurry.

Chrissie, we're not.

Well, I was in the shower.

I thought you were going to wait in the VIP lounge.

Vip.

We were bored.

And hungry.

Well, why don't you go and whistle up Adrian and the roll and I'll be out in a

minute. That's a good idea. Give us a chance to find out what's at the door,

Ray. Well, what's the problem?

You just sort of disappeared.

We've got no idea where to.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

These are my shoes.

I'm sweating like a pig.

You're sacked.

I don't want to see a single sign of a surgical stocking when I get back to

Chigwell. Aren't I entitled to something in lieu of notice?

I think you've had that already.

And as for you, sweetie...

The child support agency are going to think it's Christmas.

Look, babe.

Now, don't overreact.

I was just trying to make it up to Dory for not giving her anything on her

birthday.

Anyway, she seduced me. She was like an insatiable animal.

Wouldn't think she had it in her, would you?

Look, babe.

When you come off stage, you're on a high, right? You're full of adrenaline.

I'll tell you what he's full of and it ain't adrenaline.

Tracy, please.

This is between myself and my future ex -husband.

So I'm in the shower and suddenly she's in there with me.

It's a mystery to me how she found my dressing room.

I expect she followed the smell of adrenaline.

He's gorgeous.

Have you ever seen anything this sensational?

Yes. Andy Lloyd Webber's got better pictures.

Michael Winner's got better furniture.

And Stryton's place in Malibu is bigger.

You'd miss it, you know.

Oh, you can't miss Stryton's place.

It's four blocks long.

No, I mean you'd miss the jet -set lifestyle.

You'd give Chris the big ear, you'd kiss goodbye to your backstage pal.

What are you talking about, Tracy?

Everything's in my name.

I'm loaded.

He'd be back down the underground busking.

Why don't you give him another chance? You know you still love him.

He was unfaithful with the hired help.

Last year, I said no to Richard Gere.

If I can give Daryl all the lying, the sleeping about, the nicking at me purse.

Did Chris put you up to this?

Of course not.

I'm telling you, Cheryl, because I care about you and I don't want you to make a

mistake.

Did you tell her yet, Trace?

Oh, shut up, you prat.

Babe,

we can't split up over this.

Little Hector would be devastated.

Look, in my line of business, women are hurling themselves at me all the time.

And have I ever strayed before?

No. It's just that Doreen caught me on the hop. I bet she did.

Look, if I give you another chance, it had better not happen again.

Because I don't like surprises.

I like the way my life is.

Or was until last night.

I promise.

Forgiven.

Let's just say you're on probation.

And if I find out that it's ever happened again... I promise there are no

skeletons in my cupboard.

Not skeletons in your cupboard I'm worried about.

It's scrubbers in your shower cubicles.

One helps one's not interrupted.

But one has rather a lot to get through.

Oh, Sharon, one does beg your pardon. Thank you so much for coming.

How's the family?

Don't ask.

Do you have an appointment, Mrs...? Miss?

No, I do not have an appointment.

But could you fit me in for what I believe is called a makeover?

A makeover?

We're beauticians.

Not magician.

If you do, the word mortician springs to mind.

Oh, look at her. I can't get over how little she is. And she looks exactly

she does on the money.

Of course she does, you stupid cow. Now, keep your voice down.

Do you think she'll autograph a tenner for me?

Can you behave?

Oh, I'm sorry, show. I'm so nervous.

Look, you've been here before. Where's the loo?

How can we help you, sir?

I'd like to talk about borrowing £10 ,000 to start a high -tech business

in a growth industry.

Do you have an account with us, sir? No.

Well, I've got this.

Everybody's flat down on the floor!

Face down!

Don't look at us because we're very shy, all right?

Fill these bags with money.

What? The bags.

I thought you had the bags.

You forget your silence if it wasn't screwed on.

Oh, great. Thanks a lot, Dad. Now they know me name.

Now they know I'm your dad. Great.

I've got a bag you can borrow.

She mentioned the order of the bath once more. I won't be responsible for her

carpets.

Now what do we do?

Play for time.

Why? One way or another, we've had it.

Maybe.

But if I'm going down, I ain't going down on me own.

All right, mate.

I want you to go out and give a message to the old Bill.

Tell him this is the only person I'll talk to.

What, Mum?

No, not Mum.

That's the name.

Go on.

Out you go.

Next time, tell the police you're sending someone out, eh?

Mr Christopher Ulysses Niarchos Theodopolopoulos.

Hello?

It's not mine.

Hello?

Oh,

look,

I can't talk now.

What? What the

hell's going on?

There was no need to dress up.

It is you.

I thought it was just someone with the same name.

There you go.

Oh, my wife loves you.

She's got all your records.

Cheers. Look, if you want an autograph, what... In fact, as often as not, she

repels my advances in the boudoir of a night, saying if only you could be as

handsome and as gentle and as sexy as that Christy Adolopoulos.

Don't think of it, you're wrecking my marriage, you bastard.

I suppose you're Mrs Stubbs, are you? Is it to you?

Your husband and son are in there with hostages. That's what it is to me.

Not my coffee.

I don't believe it. Look, he's a good boy. I've got to talk to him. Yeah, but

don't want to talk to you.

There's a posing pad here he wants to talk to.

Why you?

Well, I don't know.

Are you sure, darling?

Because if this is another one of your little secrets... Stubs, we're sending

your mate in, all right?

Trying to get them to give themselves up quietly, all right? I'm going in and

out. And me.

You got that... bug set up.

It's us coming in, all right.

About bloody time.

Sorry about this, Tracey.

Sorry? I'll give you bloody sorry.

And as for you, you go out there now, you give yourself up and you tell him it

was all your day's work.

Christopher Theodopoulos.

As it happens. As it happens, that name's copyright.

And I own it.

So after the divorce, I shall be auditioning for new Christopher

Hang on, pal. What'll I call myself?

Joe Nobody.

But this ain't my fault, babe.

That's right.

It's yours.

And I'll put up with a lot.

The lying, the sleeping around, the nicking out of my purse, the leaving

Garfield stray. But this is the final.

But Tracy, it is his fault. If he hadn't turned down my car tracker plan...

Someone get the phone!

Hello?

No, I don't know when your poxy mortgage is going to come through.

How can it be Chris's fault?

Chris has got a car -flying alibi. He was with the Queen.

You know what I'm talking about.

You've lost me.

All right, then. I think it's about time Sharon and Tracy found out and all.

Daryl, no, this is not a good idea.

Look, if you go down for this, right, I'll see you all right, eh?

I'll write you a big fact check. In fact, I think I've got an account with

lot.

I'll take care of Tracy for you. Yeah, I know how you'll take care of her, you

randy little bird bandit. You just keep your pulling for all those tarts you

invite back to your Winnebago when you're away on tour.

Winne...

But, Daryl, this is not a good idea for a joke.

And it's not like I wasn't entitled to that ten grand.

What do you mean you was entitled to it? It doesn't matter. Daryl, no.

Not now.

Oh!

I'm entitled because ten years ago, when nobody wanted to know about Chris and

his singing, him and me turned over to Cheltenham and Gloucester in Kettering.

And I let him keep my cut to finance his first album and bribe all the disc

jockeys to play it.

You.

Hang on.

Something's happening.

That is my autograph, Hank!

I've never loved you, Trace! And the others are just to keep your elbow.

That was brilliant, ladies. There could be a medal in this for someone. No,

thanks. Been there, done that.

Oyster to start, I think.

Five dozen coaches for number ones and 100 grams of beluga caviar to keep them

comfy.

I'll have a green salad.

You're wiping out my expense account for the whole year.

But this is the story of the decade.

This is bigger than die and Captain Hewitt, because I am not denying we did

Imagine.

My story.

Exclusive. By Doreen Green.

How Chris, the adopter, unable to find physical satisfaction with his vulgar

flag of a wife, turned to me, his humble housekeeper.

who until a few short days ago knew nothing of the physical pleasures of the

flesh. Oh, you're beautiful.

Look at you. You're so chic. So attractive. So sophisticated.

So carry on.

Seriously, Janine, I was a dowdy downtrodden housekeeper until one day I

rebelled. I took out my life savings and blew it all on clothes, make -up, hair,

the nails. Yes, I couldn't help noticing the nails. Yes, they do demand

attention, don't they? Especially when I rake them down a man's back in the

throes of passionate abandon.

Well, go on.

When did you and Chris Theodopolopoulos realise that your destinies were

intertwined? And not just our destinies.

But I'm sorry.

We haven't yet discussed my fee.

We've paid you £10 ,000.

That's just my rate for having lunch with a journalist.

I thought we'd start the bidding at, ooh, let's say a million.

A million pounds?

Well, look at it from my point of view. If I go for another job as a

housekeeper, I'm not going to get much of a reference, am I?

What are you doing here?

I haven't got much choice, have I?

My bank account's been frozen, my house is sealed up and my husband's in prison.

And it's all because of you, you treacherous slut.

What seems to be the problem, madam? The problem?

This stupid cow has just poured oysters into my lap.

But of course. That is the way people of fashion are taking their oysters this

season.

How about some tobacco sauce?

In your dreams, dear neighbor.

I told you eating a whole jar of pickled walnuts would disagree with you.

It would be until you mucked it up.

What did you wake me up for anyway?

Because you were snoring like a pig in labour and because you asked me to.

Since when have you ever done what I've asked you to do? Since we found out that

Dead Again was on the television tonight.

You could have taped it, couldn't you? No, I couldn't.

Where's my tea and cake?

Sharon, I'm not your servant. Oh, sh...

Really happy Christmas, this is.

Mum? What?

I've got you a Christmas present outside.

Put it under the tree with the others.

Don't you want to open it now?

I won't have nothing left to unwrap in the morning.

We want to unwrap this one tonight.

Carol! I didn't want to say nothing in case my leave didn't come through.

More comedy on BBC Two in a moment, but is Harold going to spend Christmas on

the scrapheap in Steptoe and Son?

When I'm alone with only dreams of you

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