All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s06e13 On The Glass

When you are far away And I

am blue What do I do?

So do you still love me, Daryl?

Miss me?

Yeah, I know you miss that.

But do you still miss me?

Yeah. Love you, darling.

Love you.

Bye.

Guess where I've

been?

Right, Kia?

The top people star for the discerning
customer with plough and breeding.

God, my feet are half -pumped.

Had a bit of a spend -up then, again.

There were so many good bargains, Trace,
I couldn't say no.

Don't you see this?

What do you think?

Do you mean?

No, but if you stand out in the garden,
you don't keep the crows off my

strawberry pet.

Oh, well.

Wait till you see this.

Smart, eh?

Not many.

Give it a twirl, Anthea.

It's by the Irish designer.

What Irish designer?

Giorgio Marni.

I saw Dorian when I was in there.

One minute she was queuing up at the
counter, next minute she ran out empty

-handed. You sure it was her?

Oh, yeah.

I ain't seen anyone walk like that since
Dick Henry died.

Got you something.

Oh, you don't have to buy me presents.

Oh, you know what they say.

It's better to give than to receive.

Do you know why?

Why? Because you can get done for
receiving.

Oh, shall.

That must have cost a packet.

It's only money.

Go on, chime on.

You're terrible.

You should be thinking about putting
something away for a rainy day.

Trace, it's peed down cats and dogs
every day of my life.

This is my sunny interval.

I intend to enjoy it.

They're lovely.

I do worry about your spending, though.

Well, don't. Money's not a problem.

I've got a scheme that's guaranteed to
increase our company's profits.

Oh, yeah? What's that, then? I'm going
to elbow Chris out the company.

Are you going to do that?

I have my ways.

Darn you, Sharon.

You'd let yourself go, wouldn't you?

We've got crackheads in here that look
better than that.

We always could charm the birds off the
trees, Chris.

Well, it's nothing personal, like.

I've never seen you look such a dog in
all the years I've known you.

It's the business, Chris.

Things ain't too good, mate.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that, Sharon.

I worked my fingers to the bone.

I swear no one could have done more,
but...

I think we're going to have to go under.

What, move to Australia?

No, declare bankruptcy.

Well, that's terrible.

You'll lose everything.

Look, I know we've had our differences
over the years, but I don't think it's

fair that you should lose your share as
well.

I mean, you only did it to help me out,
didn't you? Did I?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

I want you to have this.

Oh, my investment.

Every penny.

I don't get it.

I want you to have it before our
creditors get their hands on it.

You just take it, Chris, and we'll
forget that you ever had anything to do

the business.

Sharon, I don't know what to say.

Well, it's the least I can do, isn't it?

So, what are you going to do with it?

This.

What do you take me for?

An incompetent bank robber, usually.

What's that got to do with it? Listen, I
know what you're up to. Your business

is cracking away.

You're putting over a dozen fools. Tracy
told Daryl all about it. No, you've got

it all wrong, Chris.

Tracy's side of the business is doing
great, but mine's doing terrible.

Oh, well, she only do the deep ends and
you do the shallow ends, is it?

Listen, never kid a kidder, Sharon.

All right, I'll be straight with you.
Yeah?

I'm sick and tired of being tied to a
useless waste of space.

I want you out of the business. Yeah?
And I want Claudia Schiffer for a

cellmate, but it ain't going to happen,
is it?

Listen, you wouldn't even have the
business if it weren't for my uncle's

shop. Look, we are partners, whether you
like it or not.

Look, listen, Sharon, right?

As it happens, I have been doing some
business studies courses, right? Just to

make sure you don't rip me off.

It's amazing the things you learn.

Like what?

Yeah, well, like some businesses are
seasonal, including yours.

Now, what have you got to say to that,
then, eh?

Our cat used to have an expression like
that when he was having a crack.

Yeah, well, you'll be laughing the other
side of your face when your business

really does go down the tubes.

All right, then, Donald Trumpton, what
do you reckon we should be doing?

Branching out.

Look, so you've got something to help
you tick over during the quiet months.

I have got just the idea.

I don't suppose it's a 24 -hour driving
kebab shop with topless waitresses by

any chance?

Oh, don't be stupid. I wouldn't let you
go topless in a kebab shop.

I'm not all that hot fat about.

Look, what me and Daryl used to do,
right, was conservatories in the summer,

right, and double glazing in the winter.

When did you get time to do security
vans?

So much for your cunning plan.

If you'd have kept your big fat gob
shut, I'd have got away with that.

I hate him.

I can't tell you how much I hate him.

The day they bury me, that ponce will
probably want to move into the coffin.

Look, that idea of his, doing a bit of
double glazing, he might have a point

there, you know.

Forget it, Trace.

Chris is physically incapable of having
a good idea.

It's a genetic thing.

He comes from a long line of poxy
losers.

Hello, girls.

Hello, Dawn.

What do you want?

I had to get out the house. Marcus is
driving me mad.

Having him convalesce at home is just
not working out.

Demanding, is he?

Demanding is not a word one would
readily associate with my dear husband.

What's the problem?

Oh, I don't know. He's just so there.

You walk into a room and he's there.

You walk out of the room and he's there.

You walk in again and he's still there.

Exactly. How selfish.

Must be hell for you, Dor. Well, I just
wish he'd go out a bit more.

Dorian, he's recovering from a heart
attack.

What do you want him to do, take up
bungee jumping?

It's not good for a marriage, being on
top of one another all the time.

That ought to be a fine thing.

People need space.

Catherine Hepburn said that men and
women weren't meant to live together.

should merely visit.

Was there our man in the knicker -knock?

She was referring to her relationship
with Spencer Tracy.

I'm Sharon. She's Tracy.

So, what happened to you in Harrods
yesterday?

Excuse me, you were in Harrods?

Yes.

My God, is it the first day of
shoplifting?

I was buying some stuff, actually.

Got myself a few designer outfits.

I thought I might give one of them a
trial run tonight down Stringfellows.

Wouldn't waste your time.

Peter doesn't allow fat women into his
class.

He does if you sit on him.

You leave in a bit of a hurry. What was
all that about, then?

Well,

it was rather embarrassing, actually.

They took my credit card and then
refused to give it back.

What was that then?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it? It's owned
by Arabs.

I mean, they're still a bit catchy with
us lot over that Palestine business.

Oh, don't be stupid.

No, you...

It is only a matter of time before
Yasser Arafat does the in -store

Dorian, the only reason the shop takes
your card back is because you haven't

paid the bill.

Me? Not pay my bill? Don't be
ridiculous. What do you think I keep a

for? Oh, well, Mark's not been at work
for months, is he?

Maybe he's pulling in the reins on your
spending.

He wouldn't dare.

If he has, that... Heart attack is
nothing compared to what I'll do to it.

I don't believe it. I thought you was
going to cut down on your spending.

No proper spending, Trace.

Got it all off the catalogue.

Then send it back.

Leave it at.

These are essential purchases.

Oh, yeah.

What's this, then? Ah, that.

is an Andy, handbag size and nostril air
trimmer.

Just the thing if you've got nose hairs
the size of an handbag.

It's a waste of money.

Not if your hooter starts braiding tuffs
it ain't.

I don't want a bearded bugle, thank you
very much.

My God, it looks like you've franchised
your front room to Argos.

Take a seat, door, if you can find one.

Girls, there's been a tragedy.

It's not Marcus, is it?

Worse. My credit cards.

He has cancelled them.

The gold one, the platinum one, and even
that grotty little copper -coloured

one.

The worm has finally turned.

It isn't funny, Sharon.

He says he won't renew them until he is
fit enough to return to work, and that

could take ages.

What a turn -up, eh?

You're sticking and I'm loaded.

Funny old world, isn't it?

Yes, Sharon.

Utterly hilarious.

I don't want to be poor.

I wasn't meant to be poor. I don't know
how to be poor.

You ain't poor.

You've still got a nice car.

Not to mention a house worth over a
million.

Which doesn't mean you're going to have
to cut down on your spending for a bit,

that's all.

My name is Dorian Green.

I shop, therefore I am.

I will seek to exist without money to
spend.

Oh, come on, Dore. You haven't lived
until you've stood naked in a Versace

changing room.

Thrilling at the expectation of pristine
haute couture.

Caressing your silky white skin.

You all right?

Yeah. It's just the thought of Dorian
with her kit off.

Make me stomach turn over.

How do you know my body is still in
fabulous condition?

Stop mucking about.

I've seen you in a bikini.

You look like a blow -up woman having a
slow puncture.

Well, at least when I take my clothes
off, people don't mistake me for the

scene in Ben -Hur.

Now, stop bickering, you two. Yes,
you're right. I shouldn't waste my time

swapping insults with her.

I have to think of a way to generate
some capital.

Oh, you could always go out to work.

What? You know, get a job. Earn an
honest class like the rest of us.

Me?

Work?

What a marvellous idea.

Is it? Yes, it is.

I've got flair, drive, ambition. How
could I fail?

I will be like Anita Roddick from The
Body Shop.

Only younger are more attractive, not
younger.

I came this morning.

Cheers. I wonder what sort of job
Dorian's cut out for.

A dimmer frame tester?

Bill, at least you're having a go, are
you?

What's the matter, Cheryl?

Nothing. Well, don't look like nothing.

It's me visa, Bill.

Look.

Sharon, how on earth have you managed to
spend that much money?

It's a gift, Trace.

Many are called, but few are chosen.

You're mad.

Do you know that? You're acting like one
of them nutters that wins the pools and

ends up baratic six months later.

Spend, spend, spend.

We're going to see Webster about that
job this afternoon.

That'll bring in bundles. The money's as
good as in the bank.

I'm broke.

Cleaned out.

I ain't so much as got a pot to pickle
me onions in.

I ain't one, sir. I told you so. But...
Leave it, Tracy.

Leave it.

I saw this coming.

Oh, did you, Russell Grant?

You knew Webster was going to cancel his
order, did you? In business, you have

to learn to expect the unexpected.

How can you expect the unexpected?

It wouldn't be unexpected then, would
it?

It would be expected.

And then I'd still be in trouble when
the real unexpected turns up.

Look, all I'm saying is this is that
rainy day I've been warning you about.

It's just a puff road problem.

When's our next job?

What next job?

What do you mean?

Things are a bit quiet, Sharon.

How quiet?

Eerily silent.

Just my luck.

Luck's got nothing to do with it.

Chris was right about the business
dropping off in the winter, but you

listen to him, would you?

Things will pick up. Oh, yeah.

Next spring.

I think we should take Chris's advice.

Well, I'm sorry, Trace, but I can't do
that on principle. It makes sense.

Double glazing is seasonal as well,
isn't it? So if we switch over halfway

through the year, we'll get the best of
both worlds.

Forget it, Tracey.

I am not doing double glazing.

Why?

Because it means canvassing, doesn't it?

Slipping around, knocking on people's
doors, walking for miles.

It's a mugs game.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Well, I'll find my own way of earning a
few quid, thank you very much. So mind

your own flipping business.

Oh, look at those faces.

No wonder so many men prefer each
other's company these days.

Thank you, Dorian. I was going to ask
how the job hunt's going, but I don't

think I'll bother now.

Well, I'm sorry. I have just had the day
from hell.

Do you know, I have spent today
contacting every major board of

country to offer them my services.

And every single one of them declined.

Yeah. Well, those rich blokes used
escort agencies, didn't they?

They all said I had no previous work
experience and I was too mature to

Washed up at the age of 35.

Times what?

I've just had an idea.

Why don't you work for us?

Doing what?

Me and Tracy are thinking of branching
out.

Into double glazing.

What? You just said... And it just so
happens that a vacancy has come up for

executive area manager.

Might be right up your street door.

Right up a lot of streets, actually.

Just remembered, we've run out of milk.
I'm going up the shop to get some.

Would I have an office and a secretary?

Not exactly.

It's more of a mobile position.

And what does it entail, exactly?

Well, you'd be our chief negotiator in a
series of random market testings in a

pre -designated target area.

You mean door -to -door selling?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

Frankly, Sharon, I'd rather eat my own
liver.

Oh, well.

Just have to wait for the January sales,
then.

I'm sure you'll be able to pick up a few
bits and pieces.

Did I mention that we offer a very
generous commission to the right

How much, exactly?

20%. All right, you're on. On two
conditions.

Which are?

One, I do not work in Chigwell.

Fair enough.

What's the other one?

You don't breathe a word of this to
anyone.

Because if you do, I'll come after you
like Hannibal Lecter.

Only worse.

I can't believe you conned Dorian into
cankering for us. You said it was a mugs

game. It is.

Must be really humiliating for her.
She'll be no good at it.

Look on the bright side, Trace.

We've got the pleasure of knowing that
Dorian's doing a crap job and we're her

governors.

Sharon, I have to thank you.

I have just had the most wonderful day.

Have you had a bang on the head?

No, it's just working for a living. I
find it most exhilarating.

Yes, well, keep it up, Dawn. You're
bound to get your first order soon.

I've already got my first order, Tracy.

What, already?

Charming man.

Airline pilot.

Extremely good looking.

Oh, yeah? What's he having done?

Well, he's having the whole house double
glazed.

Bay windows in the front, French windows
in the back, comes to a grand total of

£10 ,000.

How long am I?

You're amazing.

I know, and I didn't even have to sleep
with him.

Duncan, that's his name, is coming round
later to sign the contracts and pay a

deposit. So please make sure you're in.

Don't worry, we will.

Tracy, this is Captain Crothers.

This is my partner, Tracy Stubbs. Nice
to meet you, Captain Crothers.

Charmed, I'm sure. Oh, please call me
Duncan. All my friends do.

OK, then, Duncan. Please take a seat.

Well, I've come to sign a contract.

And here's a cheque for the deposit.

Thank you.

Mm, £2 ,000.

Nice one, Duncan.

Please don't call me Duncan.

I'm a Concorde pilot, not a biscuit.

Sorry. Is your Mrs Green not around?

No, not at the moment.

I'm afraid she's otherwise being
currently disposed of.

Oh, shame that. A remarkable lady.

Bringing up six children alone can't be
easy.

Especially with a pacemaker.

And she still finds time to do all that
charity work.

You know, that woman really does give of
herself gladly.

You don't know the half of it.

It's arrived.

Duncan's checked for the balance.

It's all here.

Time to divvy up.

The three of us divvying up, how
exciting.

It's like an episode of Widows.

I'll have all my share now, Trace.

I won't have all of it.

Can if I want.

What about the business?

What about my spending money?

You ain't having it.

Plan your financial plan.

You'll have your share and I'll have
mine. But you don't put any money back

for the business. Never mind.

Hello?

But it was my idea, wasn't it?

Yes, OK, right.

Straight away. No,

shut up.

That was Duncan's sister.

She wants to have a word with us.

So what exactly is the problem?

Ain't you happy with the work?

I reckon it looks a dog... No, what
she's trying to say is...

But it gives the house an air of
sophistication. Well, that may well be,

didn't want it done.

I was perfectly happy with the house as
it was.

Yes, well, don't you think you and
Duncan should have discussed this

You don't understand.

This is my house.

Duncan's just staying with me for a
while. I knew it was a mistake to go

that business trip and leave him here on
his own.

He's a very generous bloke, your
brother. Look, he's paid us in full. Oh,

I'm afraid that will bounce.

The money he gave you for the deposit's
all he's got in the world.

My pilots are worth a bundle, aren't
they?

Well, Duncan has rather a vivid
imagination. He lives in a little world

own. He's been that way ever since Daddy
died.

So you mean he's not a Concord pilot?
Oh, good Lord, no. He can't stand

You're having a laugh, aren't you? No,
not at all. Well, I think Duncan might

be.

Who does he think he is, taken out for a
couple of months? No, now, you must

understand, my brother's a lovely soul.
He's just a little on the eccentric

side.

Eccentric?

Wearing different coloured socks is
eccentric.

Bow ties that light up is eccentric.

Ordering ten grand's worth of double
glazing for someone else's house is

raving barmy, missy. Well, I would be
perfectly within my rights to insist

you restore my house to its exact
original condition.

You wouldn't. Well, no. Not if you leave
us alone and don't bother us again.

Oh, Dawn.

This is a set -up.

The two of them are trying to pull a
scam on us.

You're right.

It is a scam.

What a scam, Tracey.

It's a con trick.

You get your whole house done up for two
grand and we walk away with nothing?

Well, you can think again, love, cos
you're wrong.

And if Duncan was here now, I'd wring
his neck.

I'm terribly sorry that you've been
inconvenienced.

Inconvenienced?

Mugged, you mean?

Look around, Trace.

New windows, new kitchen, new furniture,
new carpets.

I know what your little game is.

You and Duncan do this nutter routine
all over town.

Ripping off suppliers right, left and
centre. It's a scam.

You're right, it is a scam. I deeply
resent your accusations.

Duncan is sad and confused.

Oh, yeah, Dorian's a virgin. Don't make
me laugh.

Even if we were engaged in this
distasteful operation, which I

I don't suppose there's a great deal
that you could do about it.

We could sue.

Sue? I doubt you could afford the bus
fare to the solicitors, let alone his

professional services.

You don't know that.

She's right, Trace. We stink.

What you don't know, Mrs, is that we're
not your run -of -the -mill, Tory

-voting, tax -paying, small
businesswoman.

Well, certainly not small.

Shut up, you.

No, you made a mistake when you picked
on us.

The reason me and my sister are running
this business is that our men are

currently inside doing 12 years for
robbing banks.

With menaces.

And violence.

And sawn -off shotguns.

And although they're inside... Their
gang ain't.

So if you don't cough up the eight
grand, the boys will be round to take

windows back.

And the kitchen.

And the car.

And the carpet.

Nice try, girls, but I'm afraid I don't
believe you.

It's up to you, love.

We may be bluffing, but on the other
end, do you fancy living under canvas?

Actually, I used to be a girl guide.

Well, I wasn't horse -faced.

I've had enough of all this toppy
-footing around.

Dorian, can't I?

I haven't even started you per...

Pathetic bitch!

Cuff her!

Oh, all right.

I'll go and get my checkbook.

Oh, that was better than sex.

Can't believe me. Could rather have left
it in bed.

They wouldn't have dared.

Or Dorian would have bounced them.

I still don't know where she got such a
vicious mouth from.

Leave me next door to you.

Hello, girl.

Can I come in?

Of course you can.

I should come for your permission.

You've earned it. No, Tracy, I don't
need a paltry 2 ,000.

Marcus has reinstated my card.

Why come?

Well, while I was out canvassing for
you, I happened to knock on the door of

some of his most valued clients.

Well, quite a few of them, actually.

What a coincidence.

Quite.

Marcus went berserk, reinstated my
credit rating, up to my limit, Told me

out and blip Bond Street and be seen
doing it.

You crafty cow.

I think that's a case of the pot calling
the kettle then to the nine -bob note,

isn't it, Tracy?

You know, you carry on like this, Dor,
and there's a serious risk of me

to like you.

What a lie.

With only dreams of you.