Original subtitles

The door's open. Just popped in to show off my new outfit.

What do you think?

You look like a tart.

Good. That's just the effect I'm after.

Off out, are we?

No, we're not.

I am.

Matthew. Square jaw, broad shoulders, great buns.

He's a biker.

No, a model.

He did the underwear campaign.

His crotch was plastered all over the central line.

What does a sexy male model want with the likes of you?

Youth is always attractive to experience, Sharon.

I could show Matthew things he's never dreamed of.

Your ration book from the war.

I shall be sipping martinis at Christopher's at seven, eating dinner at

Quaglino's at eight, and then, with any luck, I'll be licking petit fours off

his midriff by midnight.

The perfect evening.

You're disgusting.

What about poor old Marcus?

Poor old Marcus?

Hardly ever see him these days.

If he's not working late, he's off playing masons with his silly little

Oh, and speaking of my dear husband, I've just had to ask you girls the

little favour.

Should he get back from his lodge meeting before I get in?

Well, I would appreciate it if you want us to cover for you, don't you?

Well, yes, well, you can forget it, madam. We ain't getting involved in your

seedy shenanigans.

Fine.

If you think you can live with the responsibility.

What do you mean, responsibility?

Well, if he found out what I was doing, who knows what it would do to him?

A shock like that could be fatal to a man his age.

Do you know, Doreen, there are times when I really hate you.

Isn't that what friends are for? Anyway, mustache.

Ciao.

That's a brilliant set, eh, isn't it?

I wonder where you buy something like this.

World of Zebra?

Ladies!

Thanks for coming.

It was no bother, Mr... Monty.

I'm Tracy Stubbs, and this is my partner, Sharon Theodopolopoulos.

Theodopolopoulos?

That name rings a bell.

Greek.

Toad rag.

Do you know him?

Me?

No. No, never heard of him.

Common name, though, isn't it?

Chris.

Chris Theodopolopoulos.

A relative, perhaps?

No. No, I'm an orphan.

I ain't got no relatives.

Especially husbands.

Wonder what ever happened to him.

I probably had him topped for all I know.

So what was it you wanted, Monty?

Oh, take a seat.

Now... It's about my wife's birthday.

I've been racking my brains for something different to give her this

She's had tiaras, necklaces, bracelets.

I mean, how many more diamonds can one girl wear?

She could always stick a couple on the end of her shower.

In a moment of divine inspiration, I'll build her a swimming pool.

That's very generous of you, Monty.

Ah, mere trifle.

Compared with the riches my Chanel brings to me.

So what made you choose us, then?

Oh, you came very highly recommended.

By my accountant, Marcus Green.

That's very nice of Marcus.

He obviously likes our work. Oh, I'm sure he does. But you see, I've got a

rather large sum of cash that I need to lose, as it were.

And Marcus suggested that wouldn't be a problem for you.

Cash payment?

A problem?

We accept cash, don't we, Trace?

Oh, yeah.

That'll do nicely.

Good.

Now, I've already had the plans drawn up.

Unfortunately, the firm I had booked for the job went up in the air.

Gone skin?

No, their van blew up.

Everybody's mystified as to how that could happen.

Anyway, what do you think?

Yes. Yeah.

All looks very straightforward, doesn't it, Trace?

Oh, yeah.

Very straightforward, Sharon.

If you don't mind me saying, this pool looks pretty big for a back garden,

Monty. You haven't seen my back garden, Tracey.

Flippy neck.

I'll bet you they'll have to get through some baby bio.

I don't believe in doing things by heart.

My motto is big is beautiful.

So, are you interested?

Monty, we'll build you a swimming pool Flipper would be proud of.

Terrific. I knew I could count on you girls.

When exactly is your Chanel's birthday?

Next Tuesday.

What? And I want it finished on time. I'd hate to disappoint her.

Will that be a problem?

No. Please, sir. Excuse us, Monty. I just need to have a conference with my

partner here.

Of course.

Er, Tony.

We can't do it. It's not possible.

Stop thinking so negative, Trace.

You'll be all right. Trust me.

Coffee's up.

Bad news, Trace.

Kenny and the boys have gone to Florida.

Oh, great.

We've just taken on the biggest job of our life and our workforce has led it.

Now what are we going to do?

Don't worry, we'll think of something.

I'll get in touch with Fats Dan first thing tomorrow.

Sharon, Fats Dan is a ticket tout.

Monty Cray wants a swimming pool. It's not a ticket for Phantom of the Poxy

Opera.

But he's got loads of contacts.

Yeah, Lil' Puss, trust me.

What was that?

Hello, girls.

I have just had the best night of my life.

Where is the lorry details? Hi.

You can tell me if you want to. Forget it.

We've got enough on our plate.

What's the matter?

We've just agreed to build a swimming pool for some bloke and our workforce

done a bunk.

Actually, you probably know him. It was Marcus that recommended us.

Oh, really?

We must talk about our commission.

Who is it?

A bloke called Monty Cry.

It has absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever.

What do you mean?

Monty Cray runs a security firm with a very nifty sideline in loan collections.

Their motto is pay up or lose a kidney.

Oh, God.

Calm down, Tracey. It'll be all right.

Oh, yeah.

Assuming your idea of all right is floating arse upwards down the Thames

a pair of concrete pop socks.

Well, nutters, I'd love to... see rough women tearing lumps off each other. I

must go.

What did you tell Marcus?

Nothing. We ain't seen him.

Oh, that's odd.

His masonic do's are usually over by ten.

Oh, well.

Perhaps his apron got caught in his rolled -up trouser leg as he was

That could be him now. Come and see if I'm here.

I'll get it.

Do I look like I've been visiting a sick aunt?

Only if she lives in Transylvania.

You've got a dirty great love butt on your neck, you smutty cow.

So, what do I want?

We're trying to locate a Dorian Green. I understand she's your next door

neighbour.

Um, I am Dorian Green.

Mrs Green, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

It's your husband.

Marcus? Earlier tonight...

Mr. Green suffered a heart attack.

He was taken to Chigwell General where his condition is serious but not

critical.

Or was it the other way round?

So you're right.

Yes. Yes, I'm fine, Sharon.

The important thing is not to panic.

Vera, mistress of the dark.

Oh, Dore. How are you feeling?

No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

The lady at the hospital said Marcus had a good night.

A good night?

He has a heart attack while I'm working my way through the kama sutra with a

male model half his age.

God only knows what constitutes a bad night.

Me and Sharon will come to the hospital with you, Dore.

It's all right, Tracy. I don't feel up to it at the moment.

We'll go later.

I, uh... I do love him, you know.

Marcus.

I do love him.

Come on, shall we? We've got to get round to Dorian.

Stan, you are a genius.

Yeah. Cheers, mate.

Good news, Trace.

Stan's old man drinks with a gang of builders down his club. He's going to

them round. Look, if they're anything to do with Stan, they're bound to be

cowboys. We've got nothing to lose by checking them out, Trace.

Unless you want to front Monty and tell him we couldn't get the job done.

What? And wake up with an autism under me duvet cover? No thank you.

What are you sitting in the dark for?

Just looking at photographs.

This is hardly a time for a stroll down memory lane.

We've got to get to the hospital.

That wedding picture.

Marcus hired the dinner suit from Lozner's in Stamford Hill. Then he

the nosh bar next door for a salt beef sandwich. Got grease all down the

Oh, and that's Marcus in his Jewish lads brigade uniform.

And there he is with his first jag.

Dore, we've got to make a move.

I can't go.

What are you talking about?

Who's your husband?

Even I visited Chris when he was ill.

How can I look at him lying there knowing that I was... Getting your

while he was having a coronary? No, she's right.

Should be me lying there, not him.

It's no good you sitting here on your own. Why don't you come and stay with us

for a bit?

I don't want to be any trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble.

Is it, Cheryl?

What?

No. No trouble.

Chase? Meet the lads.

Hello. Please... Bloody hell.

Sharon? Outside.

Now. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You have got to be joking.

What's the matter?

army meets the last of the summer whining.

Don't be so ageist.

They're all master craftsmen. They're all old geeks.

Give them a chance, Trace.

All right. If one of them dies in there, I ain't cleaning up the mess.

All right, doll.

We've just been to the hospital.

Again.

Is there any change?

No. What you been doing all day?

I've been talking to God.

What's he up to, then?

We made a deal.

If Marcus recovers, I have promised to stay celibate for the rest of my life.

You'd have trouble staying celibate for the rest of the week.

Marcus getting better is all that matters.

I've even been thinking about having him flown out to Lourdes.

And what good would that do?

He's hardly in any condition to sit up and watch cricket, is he?

him upstairs.

You can help Marcus by being with him, seeing him.

No, you can't put this off forever, so why don't you go upstairs and put your

coat on? Because I don't want to.

Leave me alone, Tracy, I mean it.

Mind your own damn business.

My, my.

I do believe that's the telephone a -tinkling.

I'll get it, shall I?

Hello?

What?

All right.

Dorian, wait.

That was the hospital. It's Marcus.

Oh, my God, is he... No, but he's had a turn for the worse.

I'll get my coat.

Sorry,

do you have a cigarette?

Of course, babe.

Run out?

No, I don't smoke.

I thought it might help my nerves.

You were visiting?

Yes. Husband.

Hashtag. Mine too.

Well, my boyfriend, actually.

I'm sorry.

Settle down, Chiggy.

Don't think my Chiggy likes hospitals much.

Tight vase.

Thank you.

Not very good at this.

Mia, is that... Do you take it back?

No, you keep it.

It'll pull through, your old man. Don't worry.

Yes.

You see, I haven't been much of a wife to him.

Well, in fact, I've been a complete bitch.

Oh, we all have our ups and downs, babe.

Believe me, I've had more than most.

You see, when he was actually...

Having his heart attack, I was, uh, well, with someone else.

What? Yeah, Matthew.

Male model.

Square jaw, broad shoulders, great buns.

Can imagine how I feel.

Not half as bad as I do. What do you mean?

I was actually doing it with my bloke when he had his.

You're kidding.

One moment he was nearly there, next he was almost gone.

Well, I've wintered a few in my time. I've never actually killed one.

Yes!

Mrs. Green?

Yes. Mrs. Marcus Green?

Yes.

Uh -oh.

You were doing it with Marcus, weren't you?

Yeah, it seems that way.

But it was before you and me had been formally introduced.

husband. If anyone deserved to give Marcus a heart attack, it was me. Well,

on the bright side, if you don't pull through, babe, at least you'll go with a

smile on his face.

What position was she using?

I can hear the both of you. If anyone's interested, Marcus has rallied round.

We spoke to the doctor. Chances are he'll make a full recovery.

Now, will you go in and see him? Yes. Not you.

Yes, I will.

I'll do better than that.

I'm going to kill the lecherous little bastard. Who is it?

That was Ernie.

Everything's finished and Monty's on his way home. Let's get over there. I hope

he's happy with the work.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

I don't know what to say.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

Look at it.

Are you trying to take the mick?

No, no.

Well, what's wrong with it? It looks all right to me.

I'll tell you what's wrong with it, you demented old duffer.

Chris.

It's not an Olympic -sized swimming pool.

It's a bidet for a woman with a big ass.

It's too bloody small.

I followed the plans to the letter.

Yes, well, it's a shame you didn't do the same with the numbers.

It's supposed to be 60 metres long and 20 metres wide.

It is.

Ain't it?

Of course it ain't. A team of gerbils couldn't swim a bleeding relay in that.

work with a metric system before?

Well, no, not exactly.

It was all feet and inches in our day.

But Sid said he knew all about it, so we let him do the measuring up.

Well, what about the point you did for Lady Esther?

Was that metric?

No, that was, um, 1959.

We'll make it right, Monty.

We'll build you a new one.

We'll do it really cheap, for nothing, as that stands.

It's too late.

Today is Chanel's birthday.

Now, right now, she's at the vet's with that stupid dog of hers, but she'll be

here soon, and she won't be very pleased.

Which begs the question, what's to be done?

Oh, my God. How deep do you reckon that water is?

Monty, baby!

I've kept my hand on me, ain't me, for six years, and now I'm going to die.

Talk about bad luck.

Don't worry, Trace.

Nothing's going to happen to us.

Trust me.

Chanel.

Monty, what's going on?

What are they? It's a pleasure to meet you, Chanel.

We've heard so much about you.

Don't we, Trace?

Oh, yeah.

Everything.

We've just been helping Monty here sort out your birthday present.

Aren't we, Mon? Now, look, love, I can explain.

And there it is.

Isn't it fantastic?

Ernie here nearly had a heart attack building it.

So, what do you think? Do you like it?

Oh, it's... It's... It's...

Oh, it's nothing.

Happy birthday, love.

Thanks, babe.

We'll pop the bill in the post, shall we?

Heard anything from Dorian?

Not a peep since Marcus was discharged.

Looks like she's taking her role as nursemaid seriously.

Like Kathy Bates in Misery.

I think we should give her the benefit of the doubt.

I mean, she did agree to forget about Marcus's little indiscretion.

Do you really reckon she's turned over a new leaf then?

A leopard's never too old to change its spots, Sharon.

Yeah, but she's a very old leopard, John.

And she has been round the jungle a few times.

Dorian, we were just talking about you. Oh, glad to see I can still brighten up

your dull, mundane little lives.

How's Marcus?

Oh, convalescing well.

Specialist says he's making excellent progress.

Good for you.

Your praise isn't necessary, Tracy. No, no, credit where it's due.

I mean, you have been looking after him, haven't you? In your dreams, dear

neighbour. Do I look like Florence Nightingale?

So, who is... I hired a private nurse.

Fully trained.

He was between job.

Square jaw.

Broad shoulders.

Great buns.

Matthew.