Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone?

Barley.

White sands, blue sea, palm trees, sleeping in a tent on the beach,

living on coconuts.

Oh, you?

No, Marcus, I'll be there in the Hotel Tropicana.

Well, it would serve him right.

I'm talking barley and the Maldives. What has Marcus come up with?

Western super mare.

I mean, does it still exist?

Must be a medical term for people who want to visit Western Supermare.

Marcus keeps saying money is tight. What he really means is he is. I mean, he

may know about saving money, but I have taught him everything he knows about

spending it.

Oh, my God, look at that.

Hunks by the bar.

Hunks by the pool.

Bulk testosterone in the tightest container.

How about Morocco?

Lower on the testosterone and baggier containers.

Yes, but the availability of males is... How shall I put it?

There aren't the same taboos about age.

Oh, I see. What you mean is you're not too old to get lazy, Morocco.

Hello?

No, you've got the right number.

Paul's a ruff, and he's shaped you like, so he has no objects.

Just don't go too mad, cos we ain't done that many.

Hang about, I've got some figures here somewhere.

Hold that for us.

How about Tel Aviv?

They've been there in August.

Pardon?

Oh, really? What, you've been there in August?

In what?

It gets very Jewish in the summer.

Well, what do you expect, you mindless fascist?

If you're that stupid, how could you possibly afford a swimming pool?

Sorry, that was my customer.

He was troubled, Tracy.

Certain trouble.

the thought that would sue you the minute his filter clogs up. Now, how

Hawaii? How about my business?

Customers like that don't go on trees, you know.

Customers like that swing from trees.

Hello? Sorry about the person who answered before. She's a bit political.

We'll work for anybody.

Even people who are anti -Semitic.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Elstein. I thought you were someone else.

No, no. Your tile should be here today.

When did she say that?

Oh, well, my sister must have spoken to the supplier before I did. Or after.

Oh, yeah.

Good idea.

I'll check with them and bring you back.

Oh, Sharon, she was supposed to talk about it this morning.

I do sympathise. I never had a stupid sister, but I remember when I was very

young, I had this invisible friend.

She was totally thick.

I mean, I had to explain everything to her.

Then I was a very bright child.

Well, bright enough not to have a clever friend.

Where are they?

What? They're tiles.

Don't ask.

I just did.

And I'm only asking because Mr. Elstein's asking.

Didn't you even go down there and ask about them?

Trace, have you ever been to a trade counter?

If they had them, they certainly weren't going to tell a woman.

Tiles, I said.

What kind, darling?

Distant ones that go on the outside of a space shuttle.

In the end, I told him what he could do with his tiles.

But we need them. Where are they?

Well, if he put them where I told him to, you wouldn't want them there anyway,

Tracey.

Oh, this business is pathetic.

The right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing, or so it strikes me.

Another remark like that and something will strike you.

And my right hand will know exactly what it's doing.

Look, this ain't going to work. It needs the two of us.

I've got the cash to do, Trace.

You can't do two things properly.

You've got to concentrate on one thing at a time. Or in your case, half a

You only got away with that because I'm knackered.

I can't wait to sell that cash.

Yes, well, you're going to have to.

Until Marcus does the books, you daren't even advertise it. On paper, it looks

about as profitable as a bagel bar in Beirut.

LAUGHTER

Profit's on that place.

You've kept us in baked beans.

And spam.

And some art ketchup. We've got enough stash to last us till 2068.

Yes, but there have been hands in the till.

Somebody had been thieving on a regular basis.

Oh!

You!

Oh, yeah.

Everybody does that. It's a cash business.

Yes, but you can't sell it on the profit it would have made if Sharon hadn't

been working there.

She's right, Cheryl. We're just going to have to wait for proper books.

Bonafide books prepared by a reputable chartered accountant.

Hang about.

If he's going to make the business look good, he'll have to invent light maids.

Lighter his teeth, in fact. That's what I said.

Bonafide books prepared by a reputable chartered accountant.

Selling it?

Our cash?

Over my dead body.

Don't make it any messier than it has to be.

That cat is half mine.

That's half the trouble.

Look, it's me that's running it. It's me that has all the worries. So it's me

that calls time.

Nobody calls time in a Greek cat.

I mean, a Greek cat is forever.

A Greek cat means never having to say, sorry, I'm still here.

I mean, it's a home from home. I mean, it's a sanctuary.

You know, it's a car.

So? It's half my car's E2.

Look, at least, well, sell it to a Greek.

Eh? Well, if you really have to sell it, promise me you'll sell it to someone

within the Greek community.

Chris, you're not bequeathing something special, you know.

You're passing on a health hazard.

Well, I'm playing, Jason.

is let them nutters put their money into whatever they like. You don't have to

get involved.

I do, Daryl. You don't understand.

I need to get out of the house more and do something.

Yeah, but swimming pools?

You're joking.

Who buys swimming pools in a recession?

It's like the conservatories. You get a couple of jobs, then nothing for ages.

Yeah, but you made that work.

I mean, we always made a living out of conservatories, didn't we?

Well, not really, Chase.

If you remember...

I had to supplement my income occasionally by robbing banks.

Look, Chris, if a Greek turns up and wants it, he can have it at the right

price. If not, I don't care.

I'll sell it to any Chinese rabbi that's got the acres.

I can see I'm going to have to make some phone calls.

See, I've got business connections too, you know.

Oh, yeah, of course.

All those captains of industry that used to hang about down the snooker hall.

Oh, and then that alky mate of yours downstairs at Edmonton who'd become

Minister of Trade.

Of course, I was forgetting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on, go on, go on.

Take the what's it. But you can't do nothing without my say -so. Right, so

remember, I ain't signing nothing I'm not happy with.

Is this going to work, shall? I mean, calves are straightforward.

Swimming pools, eh? I mean, we've got one job next month, maybe, and so on

Who's going to buy swimming pools in a recession?

It's like conservatories. You get a couple of jobs and then nothing for

Yes, Daryl.

I know, Daryl.

But we've got capital, haven't we? The proceeds from the cast.

Don't anybody move. This is a raid.

Well, I don't know about you, Trace, but I certainly wet myself.

It's only me.

Just a little joke for you criminal types.

Voila!

That is French for aren't I clever.

Look, three years account.

About flipping time. I bet you've never been so legitimate.

What are you trying to say?

Shall I go out and come in again?

No, I tell you what, you go out and we'll lock up.

Thank you, Sharon.

Marcus has spent three whole days doing these accounts. You can't even start to

sell the cafe without them.

Sorry, door.

He's had a bad day at the grease pit.

Say thank you.

Thank you, Dawn.

Yes, I should think so, too. I mean, after all, Marcus is only charging a

fee because you're friends.

Or something.

At least now you can advertise, Shell.

Well, maybe you won't have to.

Marcus could save you even more money.

You see, he's shown his books to a friend of his in the fast food business.

And, well, he's interested.

He's offered £30 ,000.

Well... Suppose it's better than a hot spatula up the jacksie.

Well, please try to sound just a little bit grateful.

I don't know why he's being so generous to you. I'm still trying to prize this

holiday out of him. I said I'll forget the Southern Hemisphere.

North Africa would do.

Or Tenerife.

Just somewhere that's really me.

I know.

The Isle of Dogs.

Hello, Sharon.

Chris rang me. Said you've got a problem.

No problem, Tone. I'm just putting the cash on the market.

Why? What's the matter?

You mean apart from the paddies who think they're Greeks?

They've got the plates mashing right. I just forgot to eat the pie and mash

first.

This place is doing me in, Tone.

Let's face it, it's hardly a gold mine, is it?

Of course it ain't. It ain't Greek enough.

What happened to the abalone soup?

No one could pronounce it.

What about the hummus?

And all that other lovely Greek stuff.

You've let this place go right down, Sharon.

This used to be a nice cafe.

Used to be able to bring respectable painters in here. And plasterers.

Yes. It was a sad day when we lost the royal warrant.

Why do you think I want out?

Besides, I've got an offer on the table for 30 grand.

Yeah, Chris said.

Look, he wants me to ask around the community.

You know, try and get a Greek deal together.

So far, I've spoken to Andreas and Nikos.

You remember Nikos.

He was at your wedding.

Oh, forget him. He's obviously bad luck.

Well, anyway, Andreas has made an offer.

Quarter share in his dry cleaners, or 10 % in a minicab biz plus cash, or... Or

a quarter share in the sweatshop, or an unused return ticket to Famagusta, or

two dead sheep for the freezer. Yes, thanks, Cone. Terrific.

Can't you lot do any straightforward deals?

I need cash.

Real cash that I can sink into something else.

Yeah, Chris told me.

Swimming pools.

Well, your cash should sink there, all right, Sharon.

It should sink without Trace.

No. If it sinks, it sinks with Trace. We're doing it together.

It's been over a week, and all we've got is Mark's offer of 30 grand and a load

of Greek deals only Chris is stupid enough to like.

Actually, Shell, I've been thinking about some of these deals with Tony's,

there could be a way of you both getting what you want.

How do you mean?

Well, Chris wants a Greek business interest, and you want money.

So if you go for this deal with Theo's family, you can get your half in cash,

and Chris gets a quarter share in a Greek funeral parlour.

Oh, good God, not still procrastinating.

Eh?

I won't, sure.

Not intentionally, no.

I mean, I could have been. I don't really know.

Listen, you two.

Time is going by.

Marcus says we cannot go on holiday until Sharon's problem is sorted out. I

desperate. Look, I've lost my tan.

And before you suggest it, no.

I'm not going down to Sunbed Paradise. I am not going that colour.

They call it Essex Peach down the tennis club.

What is the panic door? You've already had two holidays this year. So?

Holidays aren't rationed, you know.

We don't have a Labour government yet.

Besides, I know people who go away all the time.

They have to to get over the jet lag from their last holiday.

And like John Major, I'm still here.

So listen, you.

£30 ,000 is not chopped liver.

Take it.

Please. Then I can go away.

Don't you understand?

I'm desperate to wade topless into some foreign lagoon.

Yeah, you're bound to be.

By this time next year, they'll have dropped below the waterline.

Look, Dal, you're not taking this business stuff seriously.

Swimming pools?

I'm supposed to take that seriously?

OK, so they've done a couple. It's a fluke, it's got to be. You don't invest

it and expect to make money. Things go wrong with swimming pools. Yeah, that's

right, they leak.

You wake up in the morning and all your water's gone.

Yeah, or even worse, it's still there.

The tiles have fallen off, the filter's jammed, turns out it won't drain, it's

got you an arm and a leg, and all you've got is a stagnant pond.

Oh, Sharon seems dead set on it.

Yeah, well, she's an expert in health hazards, isn't she?

Look, it's a load of trouble, and I don't want my Tracy involved.

I mean, what are my options, Dale?

I've got all these deals totally set up, right?

Look, I could fire myself into a really respectable Greek Cypriot business.

Right, well, there you go.

You buy into something safe. That way Sharon gets some loot, but not enough to

go stupid with. And my Tracy is not involved.

Everybody's happy, right?

So how come you're not happy?

Well, it's just that if I do this deal, Sharon will just take her off and leg

it. Well, yes, if you're really lucky.

Well, then we'd be separated.

You've been separated since you got banged up.

No, no, I mean... Well, you're banged up, ain't you?

But you've got to trace it, and you know you have. I mean, all I've got with

Sharon is a business relationship and a load of aggravation.

I mean, all right, all right, so I'll ditch the business relationship.

Right? Well, then she doesn't even have to come and see me.

Right. That way you lose all the aggro.

Well, I think I must like it now.

Like what?

The aggro.

Or something.

Well, I must do.

It's just that, well...

The idea of no aggro from Sharon, you know, and not seeing her to slag each

other off.

Well, life seems empty.

Yeah, but you'd be in business.

Shares in a legitimate Greek business.

You'd be a respectable member of the Greek Cypriot community. No, not without

wife, Dow. It's not possible.

Look, a respectable man has to have a respectable wife.

Look.

Either you want a respectable wife, or you want Sharon. Now, you can't have it

both ways.

All right, go through. I want to measure your back bit.

I'm a size 18 if you think of buying lingerie.

What, my missus find out?

It wouldn't be Tony the plumber anymore. It'd be Tony the kebab.

Someone wants to know if you can get a big deep freeze out there.

For Andy's takeaway?

No, Theo's funeral parlor.

See your comfy door.

No idea, I give up.

I'll hold a slump for cabbage water with a dash of custard powder, but I am not

here for a culinary dare.

My holiday is now in jeopardy.

Oh, gone off to an evening.

I don't know why I got involved in this. I'm not on commission.

Marcus is willing to do the deal for you, and he's not on commission. Sharon,

they're trying to look after you.

Look, I'm not exactly stupid, you know.

Not exactly, but roughly.

Listen, heed Marcus's warning.

It's a jungle out there.

Vultures just waiting for you.

Jackals willing to eat you before you drop. Believe me, Marcus knows.

Well, he would. He works for them, doesn't he?

Exactly. Which is why he won't stand by and watch you go to the dogs.

Or the jackals, or the vultures.

Listen, Sharon, this is a petty little business.

A takeaway bacteria centre.

Salmonella emporium.

Keep your voice down or I'll have a bloody business.

A baby white elephant.

Look, can we drop the animals?

They're not helping.

All I need is more time. Yes, well, time is what we do not have.

Marcus' client is going away at the weekend and his £30 ,000 is going with

And I still say this place is worth more.

No problem there, Cheryl. You could freeze an auction out there.

Well, the sharks or the vultures, don't you start.

Oh,

not... still persisting with lashed together Greek deals.

10 % of this, 20 % of God knows what. Don't you people know what money is for?

Of course we know what money's for. Keeping in the bank where it's earning.

There's nothing wrong with Greek Cypriot deals.

Chris is very interested.

Oh, now there's a recommendation.

Sharon, pull yourself together. You need every penny you can get for this great

new idea.

Great new idea?

Swimming pools?

You must be as crazy as they are. Thank you for your unsolicited opinion.

If I had wanted a mental health check, I would not call a plumber.

Sharon, your ingratitude stuns me.

I am risking a glorious tropical holiday in order to do you a favour.

That offer is on the table until Friday.

Then what? Then I'm clearing the table. I've got a jigsaw to do.

It is a picture.

of a Caribbean beach at sunset.

How come you went to them for a deal?

Why didn't you keep it in the family?

Marcus did me books and just come up with an offer.

Oh.

How about it?

Let me get this right. The bloke who's doing your books, the bloke who's

you how much your business is worth, he's come up with an offer?

Yeah. I mean, it wouldn't be an amazing offer.

Well, it wouldn't be, would it?

He's probably trying to get it cheap for a mate of his. Oh, wake up, Shell.

Look, it's a jungle out there. There's vultures just waiting. There are sharks

or jackals waiting to eat my white elephant for breakfast. Yes, thank you.

been there. I've done that.

The truth is, Tony, it may not be a great offer, but at the moment it's the

offer in town.

I don't know, Shell.

Look, I'll ask around a bit more, eh? Maybe go a bit more upmarket. If only

Chris's sake.

Give me one more day.

There's the little tow bag.

And if he don't sign this, there's going to be a one -woman prison riot in here.

Careful, shall we? You'll get us chucked out.

I don't care.

I do.

I haven't seen Daryl for a fortnight.

All right.

There you go. Light up before you give me a minibus.

It's a silly little ritual, but I love it.

Morning. Morning.

Eh?

Here, Daryl.

I've seen they've got your cigar.

Here's your pillock.

Oh.

Here. No, you don't. It's going to explode, innit?

Okay, so you could be right. Two orders and the whole thing's down the drain.

So, it ain't our money. And if Sharon wants to invest, besides, I'm getting

really good at it. I understand all the debts and the whips. I'm learning

something different every day.

And it'll be great working with Sharon.

Well, it could be quite good.

Well, it'll be an experience.

Oh, yeah, be that all right.

Look, Tracy, I'm just worried that you're getting in over your head,

of your depths.

No, I'm a strong swimmer. And anyway, whatever I'm doing, whatever I'm

in, the minute you walk out that door, I'll drop everything.

Here's hoping.

Nice.

Lovely.

Right, sign this, then.

Eh? What's that?

Just sign it.

Don't get intellectual, Chris.

It's a paper. Just sign it. Yeah, what sort of paper?

Well, it ain't bog paper, is it?

It's a paper what gives me the power to act.

What, you mean like an equity card?

Act for you, you cretin.

I need the legal power to do this deal on the calf, OK?

Whatever deal I think best. For both of us, right?

Now just sign it before I break your stupid neck.

Because if you don't, I will have your mental health queried. Which won't be

difficult, I assure you.

That's your right name?

Yeah. Same as yours.

Okay.

What's the scam, you devious little toe rag?

What have you got up your sleeve?

Yeah, Sharon.

On the outside, you may be hard and bullshit, you know, but deep down, where

really, really matters, you are really, really thick.

I'm thick?

Listen to Mr. Two Short Blanks.

It's only a 40 years to spell your name right.

Yeah, took you a few years to get it right, though, didn't it, eh? Yeah,

at least I made the effort. You won't get off your arse for nothing called

nobody. If somebody dug a tunnel out of here, you couldn't be bothered to use

it.

What are you grinning at?

Hello? Oh, Mr Elstein. Lovely to hear from you again.

Yes, we're still in the swimming pool business.

Surprise day.

Pardon? Less ambitious this time.

OK, it's up to you. You're the customer.

Abig?

No, no, that's all right. It's just that in the trade, we call that a paddling

pool. Where is she?

No, you can have whatever size you want.

And Ralph?

Hang about, I'll just have a look in my book.

Where's the back one?

It's Friday.

The client flies out tonight. Marcus says no deal, no holiday. He has become

completely obsessed.

Now, where is the fat one?

I don't know. She's there in the cab.

She's got a late offer or something.

Or something?

An offer from whom?

To how much?

How good an offer?

Brilliant. What? Look, they're doing it in all different colours.

Handrails on a paddling pool?

Who's going to be using these? Bunch of geriatrics.

you ever think about money what about friendship what about neutral

bonds you can't buy those you know you can rent them for the evening but you

can't buy them and what about people who bend over backwards to keep you happy

well like you said you can rent them for the evening

Trust me, this is a friendly deal.

A Greek Cypriot deal.

Mr. Cunihagis is very respected.

He owns a massive chain of kebab shops.

Do you reckon he'll go for it? Yeah, of course I do.

Yeah. Chris is going to be really chuffed when he hears you sold out to a

Cypriot. Yeah, I bet he will.

Should have sold it to a Turk, eh?

Well?

Well?

40 ,000.

40 ,000.

Nice to do friendly deals, eh, Tony?

Yeah. Yeah, great. Now, if you'll just sign this. Yeah.

I bumped into Theo today.

And old Andreas.

My God, he's still looking good.

He'll go on forever, he will.

He's gone.

Yeah, good old Andreas. Now, if you'll just sign... Friendly deals I like.

Usually it's accountants, lawyers, offices in Lincoln's Inn.

It's like doing business in a church.

Thank you, Tony.

But I must go. I have a plane to catch.

I'll keep in touch.

Through Nichols.

Do that.

Do that.

Mr. Kouniakis, the deal.

Oh, yes, yes.

In again.

Can you get again in?

Oh, no, you don't, you treacherous fat cockney.

Mr. Kouniakis.

Good evening, Mrs. Green.

Apologies to Marcus.

We decided to cut out the middleman.

I know he was looking forward to this deal, but we decided to do it the

way.

Yeah, us Greeks have got to stick together.

Good night, Mrs. Greek.

Remember, taro mussolata is thicker than water.

But I did it.

I do.

All 40 ,000 of it, instead of just some of it.

How many times do I have to say it? I'm sorry.

I was genuinely trying to help.

Help yourself, you mean? The £10 ,000 of my sister's money?

No, but I told you. I didn't know Marcus was taking a cup. I didn't think he

needed to.

Marcus told you his business was suffering.

Yes, but he says that every time I go shopping.

I mean, good God.

If I'd known Marcus was really in trouble, would I have booked 14

in Tenerife? Of course not.

I'd have settled for ten.

I mean, Marcus could have gone steerage or whatever they call it. And you could

have bought less suntan lotion.

As it is, I have.

cancelled, Henry, and I have lost my deposit.

Well, I hope you find some satisfaction in that. A bit.

Though I think Sharon would like to have seen you on the beach.

Staked out, waiting for the tide to come in.

There you go, Trace.

The cheque is in and cleared.

All 40 ,000 of it.

All right, all right. I've been whipped enough.

No, you ain't.

Besides, whipping's too good for you. You'd probably enjoy it.

Anyway. I'm too rich and successful to dabble with the likes of you.

Right, Trace.

Before we swan off and become swimming pool barons... Baronesses?

We're going to take some time out.

Chill out and relax somewhere hot.

Eh? Pack your bags, girl.

I stopped at the travel agents.

Got a last -minute cancellation for half price.

Yes.

Some poor cow lost her deposit on these.

14 days for two in a top hotel in Tenerife.

On BBC Two in a moment,

Snooker from the Guildhall Preston. Coming up next here on BBC One, money

-making schemes in Seaforth.

dreams of you that won't come true

what'll I do that