All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s06e09 In At The Deep End

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

I like getting letters addressed to
Daryl.

It's like he's still here. You know,
like he's still mastering his own home.

And it means I can read them without him
knowing.

Here, listen to this.

Dear Mr Stubbs, what would your
neighbours say if they saw you sitting

your front door in a brand new Ford
Fiesta?

They'd say to escape from prison and
nick the car.

Someone only wants him to do a job.

Don't they know he's still inside?

Not that sort of job.

This bloke reckons that Daryl built a
conservatory for him a few years ago and

now he wants a swimming pool. Does Daryl
still do that sort of job? Or if not,

can they recommend someone who does?

Well, tell him he'll be round first
thing tomorrow morning in his brand new

Fiesta.

Shall we?

Tracy, just had to come and see you.

I've had some wonderful news.

Don't tell me.

That decorator you had in has come back
to do some touching up.

Sharon, I have just heard that my little
Kabar has won a prize.

I've never heard it called that before.

Kabar is my little boy. He's doing very
well at school.

He's won the Albert Citoli Prize for
Mathematics.

Your little boy?

You've got a little boy?

Yes, he's ten. He'll be eleven in
January.

Bloody hell.

A kid?

You? You've got a kid?

Yes, didn't I mention it?

No. No, you didn't mention it.

I mean, it's not something we'd be
likely to forget, is it?

Is Marcus the father?

Oh, don't be silly.

But he does know about it. Well, of
course he does. It was his idea.

I don't believe this.

I got him on special offer through the
Sunday Times.

You what?

From Africa Aid.

£200 a year, and for that you get a
child, a newsletter and a car sticker.

Quite good value, really. Got him just
after Christmas.

What, in the January sales?

Don't be facetious, Sharon.

I may not have known him for very long,
but, you know, I've actually grown quite

fond of him.

I often think of him trotting off to his
little schoolhouse in the clearing in

the woods.

Where does he live? Epin Forest?

The Gambia.

The developing world needs our help,
Sharon. Now, I can't do much. I can only

send money.

But that money gives one little boy a
future. Now, what is wrong with that?

Nothing's wrong with it.

No, just a bit odd coming from you,
that's all.

Well, I don't see why.

And apart from anything else, Marcus can
write him off against tax.

Sharon, would you have a moment? Could I
have a glass of lightly aerated spa

water, please?

You what?

Naturally sparkling, not carbonated.

What is the matter with you, Kenny?

Nothing's the matter with me. Nothing at
all. That's because I'm careful about

what I eat and drink.

Well, you never eat anything in here.

No, I'm careful about what I eat.

You're careful about what you spend and
all. I've just had to throw out two of

your blokes for eating their own
sandwiches.

Eric and Phil.

Oh, they've got dietary problems.

Yeah? Yeah, your food makes them throw
up.

All right.

How does this sound?

Dear Mr Hughes, read your inquiry about
swimming pools.

What's this then?

Well, I thought I'd better write back to
that bloke who wrote to Daryl. Tell him

that Daryl doesn't really do that sort
of work.

Because he's in the nick.

At the same time, I'm trying to keep him
to speak for the future. Because when

Daryl gets out, he's going to need
people like this.

People with more money than stints.

I should recommend someone that can do
the job.

You don't know anyone.

Mind you, it can't be that difficult,
can it? I mean, a swimming pool's only a

hole in the ground with tiles, isn't it?

Half the hairy -ass navvies what come
into my cafe could do that.

I'm just trying to think of someone that
Daryl knows.

Someone that he thinks is reliable.

Someone that he trusts completely.

Sounds like you.

You want to get your wellies on and get
round there, girl?

Oh, that's very funny, Sharon.

Anyway, I'd never make a labourer. I
haven't got the bum cleavage.

LAUGHTER

Actually, you know, it's not such a daft
idea.

Yes, it is.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

I could get hold of any number of
navvies.

You keep your private life to yourself.

All you've got to do is bung them a few
quid, tell them what to do and then sit

back and organise it all.

Oh, yeah. And how am I going to do that?
I won't even know where to begin.

You can begin right here.

What are you doing?

I'm buying a book on fly fishing.

What does it look like I'm doing?

Right.

Steeplejet.

Stud farms.

Oh, I must tell Dor.

Swimming pools.

Sharon, I don't know what the hell
you're bothering for, isn't it?

We're going to find out.

All there is to know about swimming
pools.

So shut your gob.

Oh, hello.

Yes, I... wonder if you could help me.

My hubby and I have just bought this
house with the most enormous garden and

were just wondering how much a swimming
pool would set us back.

Size?

Well, average sort of swimming pool
size.

25 foot by 12 foot.

Yes, that sounds about right.

How much would that cost us?

How much?

Fifteen grand? Oh, no.

No, that sounds very reasonable.

Thank you, if you'd be so kind.

He's just gone to get some details.

There. Fifteen grand.

I bet you five grand of that is pure
profit. Money for a rope.

Sharon, there's no way we could do it.
Is there?

What do you reckon your Daryl would say
if you could pull off a deal like this

on your own?

I don't know. I expect he'd be quite
pleased.

Pleased? He'd be as proud as a dog with
two dicks. Oh, hello.

My name?

Mrs. J .R. Hartley.

Working hard?

I'm not working.

Catering college.

Who needs it?

I mean, what's the point in making a
souffle when half the world's starving?

Depends how big the souffle is.

No, I mean, when you see what's going on
in the world, it makes what I'm doing

seem pathetic.

Oh, dear, I recognise these symptoms.

Do you know, when I was at college, most
of my friends were either dropping out

or sitting in.

What were you doing, lying down?

I went on my share of protest marches.

There was Vietnam.

Get the Russians out of Czechoslovakia.

Get soft blue paper in the Students'
Union.

Oh, no, I was committed to all sorts of
things.

Yeah, well, that's what I'm looking for.
I want to be committed.

But not like your father, eh?

First, you ask him if he wants it heated
by gas or electric.

If he says gas, you shake your head and
go... That'll be more expensive.

But if he says electric, you shake your
head and go... That'll be more

expensive. I don't think I can handle
this.

Of course you can.

Stop. Don't you reckon Tracy will make a
good businesswoman?

Well, if you mean someone sharp on the
ball and good with figures, then the

answer is obviously no.

Well, thanks a lot.

This Mr. Yousie wants a swimming pool,
and now Tracy's going to give him one.

I don't know if I am yet.

Very wise, Tracy.

No pun intended, but I think you'd be
out of your depth here.

You see, a business venture like this
requires flair, finesse, style, and

face it, A bit of class.

Dorian,

I know your game.

You want to muscle in on our deal. You
can keep your nose out of our business.

Fine. If you don't want to make use of
my business expertise, then on your own

head be it.

Tracey, did you know that your son is
sitting in the kitchen with a bad case

student angst?

What's that supposed to mean?

That he's looking for something.

Well, if he wasn't such an untidy so
-and -so, he'd know where he'd left it,

wouldn't he?

Oh, dear, Tracey.

There's so much you don't understand.

Communication.

That's the secret of bringing up a
child.

Oh, and you'd know, would you? Yes, I
would.

Don't forget my little cabal.

As if we could.

How can you bring out the best in a
child? How can you develop and nurture

latent talents if you can't communicate
with him? If I have learned one thing

from bringing up cabal, it's how
important it is to communicate.

Oh, that's why you write to him every
six months, is it?

Kabar and I are very close.

He lives thousands of miles away.

Spiritually. I feel I know his needs.

I just sent him a little present for his
birthday.

A pair of gloves and a matching scarf
from Harrods.

Dorian, he lives in Africa.

I know he does.

And they don't have a Harrods in Africa.

That's why I had to send them to him.

It's written two wonderful letters to
me. He tells me everything.

Yes, but when they get to Garth's age,
they don't want to tell you everything.

When did you last have any proper
communication with Garth? When did you

speak to him about his needs?

You do talk some cobblers, though.

Where are you going?

To see Garthy. Find out if he needs
anything.

that I'm neglecting him, shall?

Of course not, Trace. He's a grown man
now. Forget about it. Now, look. Make

these two important.

I think we should say yes and discuss
the details later.

I mean, 15 grand.

Be realistic, shall. It's not on.

There's no way we could do it.

Now,

Mr Hughes, would you like your swimming
pool heated with gas or electricity?

Gas, I think.

That'll be more expensive.

All right, we'll have electricity then.

That'll be more... more like it.

How's Mr Starr?

Oh, he's fine.

He's sorry he couldn't be here himself,
but he's been, um, detained.

Unavoidably detained.

Is he very busy these days?

Well, I don't see much of him, but as it
happens, I deal with the pool side of

the business, and my assistant here
deals with the pool side.

Excuse me, Mrs. Stubbs. That was 27 foot
6.

Oh, thank you.

And about this much.

Right.

That comes to 15 grand.

15 ,000 pounds.

Oh, that sounds about right.

Really? Yes, I think I may as well.

Take the plunge? Indeed.

I'd like you to start as soon as
possible. You see, I've been badly let

Nasty. Gibson Pools were going to do the
work, but I'm afraid I've learned that

Mr Gibson has been arrested and sent to
prison.

Oh, dear.

You can't trust anyone these days.

Well,

come on, Kenny. What do you know about
Pools?

Everything there is to know. I've done
them for years.

Great. But so far, I've never won a
penny.

No.

No, not the pools.

Pools. Swimming pools.

What do you know about installing
swimming pools?

Saddle.

Brilliant. It can't be that difficult,
though. I mean, it's just a hole in the

ground with tiles.

That's what I said.

And then you fill it with water.

See? Practically an expert.

I think a couple of the lads have worked
in that game. Why?

Because we need a pool and fast.

That's your quick tip, eh?

No, we met this bloke who wants a
swimming pool in his back garden.

We said we'd sort it out for you.

You? Well, that was a stupid thing to
do, wasn't it?

Not necessarily.

We thought you and a couple of the lads
could help us out.

No, too busy on the site.

Couldn't do it. Out of the question.

There's three grand in it.

Start on Monday.

Yeah, I could borrow a digger off the
site.

It needs a bit of a service, if you get
my meaning.

Now, you'll need a Sparks and a plumber.

I'll rope in Jerry. He's the fastest
tiler in the business.

Won't they be needed on the site?

Very probably.

But if they've got the flu, what can you
do?

It's amazing how the old Asian flu will
go through a building site. You get

different people going off work every
day.

Now, how is it going to be heated? Gas
or electric?

Electric.

That'll be a bit more expensive. Yeah,
we know the routine.

Well, it was worth a try.

Right, I'll go and talk to the boys and
see who's up for a bit of bunce.

You two are going to get all the stuff
delivered, are you?

What stuff?

Tiles, pump, filter, all the gear.

Oh, yeah, right.

Right.

Well?

Well, what are you looking at me for?

Well, you're the one that just said say
yes and we'll work out the details

later. Well, now it's later.

Where are we going to get all that stuff
from?

I don't know. From a shop, I suppose.

Oh, yeah, of course. We'll just nip down
Tesco, shall we?

Hang about.

Daryl used to know this bloke that could
get things quick.

Said he was magic.

Said he could lay his hands on anything.

And then they had a fight.

Why? Tried to lay his hands on me.

What was he called?

A groper?

I mean, I can't remember his name.

Well, ask Daryl. How can I?

Daryl hates his ducks. He'd go bananas.

Well, you don't just ask him straight
out what was the name of the bloke that

groped me. I'd like to see him again, do
you?

You just drop it into the conversation.

Casually.

Do you ever think back to the old days?

Not if I can help it.

How's Garth?

Oh, he's all right. A bit odd.

I mean, when you were doing the
conservatories.

No, I don't like dwelling in the past.

Me neither.

We did have some laughs, though, didn't
we? We were old mates, Robbo and Big

Henry.

And who was that little bloke who used
to get you things?

Wheezy little toe rag.

Oh, him.

He was an old mate of mine.

Yeah. I didn't like him either.

But what was he called?

A bit odd.

What? You said Garfield was a bit odd.

Oh, he's all right.

Just a bit moody, that's all.

Isn't it irritating when you can't
remember a name?

What name?

That bloke's name.

I don't want his name mentioned.

Well, I can't mention it, can I? I can't
remember it.

Good.

Did he have a motorbike?

Motorbike? No.

Sideway Sam, he had a motorbike.

Loxie had a Bedford van.

Loxie. That's right.

Poxy Loxie. I told you, I don't want his
name mentioned.

I'm sorry, darling.

How was it you got hold of him?

By the throat.

I mean, he wasn't a regular trader, was
he? I mean, he didn't have a builder's

yard or nothing.

No, he worked out of a car park in Manor
House.

Used to do all his business in the back
of that van.

Oh, yeah. I remember.

I still ain't forgiven him, you know,
for trying it on.

I told him.

If he ever so much as looked at you
again, I'd rip his head off and tear him

limb from limb.

Oh, Dale, you're such a romantic.

Is your mother around?

No. She's out. Again.

Still playing at being the
businesswoman.

Yeah. Apparently she's looking for an
earth mover or something. Aren't we all?

What are you reading?

It's a book about the Charismatics.

And no, before you ask, they're not a
rock band.

I know they're not.

The Charismatics are a Christian
evangelical movement dedicated to the

of the spirit.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Are you getting into religion?

I don't know about getting into it. I've
been to St Mark's a couple of times.

The vicar there is quite a decent bloke,
actually. Not like a vicar at all. He's

got a ponytail.

Doesn't play the tambourine, does he?
No.

Saxophone. All right, I know he sounds a
bit trendy, but he's okay.

He's a bloke you can really talk to.

I don't know if I am religious, though,
really.

I mean, I don't know if I'll find any
answers there, because I don't even know

what I'm looking for.

I think you're looking for a man.

No, I'm not.

That's one thing I'm definitely not
looking for. A male authority figure. A

father figure. You see, you've never
really known who your father is.

Haven't I?

Do you know something I don't?

You know...

Not biologically, I mean
psychologically.

See, Daryl's never really been present
in your life, has he?

I think you should go and visit him.

Go to know him a bit.

You might find the answers to some of
your questions.

I'll think about it. You do that.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

Cheers, Dorian.

Maybe you're not just a sex -crazed
busybody after all.

I've got this bloke coming round.

Business contact.

Supplier. And I thought it would be
better if there was two of us here.

Oh, I knew you'd need my help sooner or
later.

You see, I've got what it takes when it
comes to dealing with businessmen.

Yeah, well, you're over this one.

Won't be a minute.

Hello, love.

Would you swap one packet of your usual
powder for two little packets I've got

down here?

You haven't changed, have you, Loxley? I
have.

His shirt's on clean this morning.

And I even put on my naughty boxer
shorts.

Want to see them?

No, thanks.

On the front it says, Danger.

Men at work.

Very witty.

Yes. I thought so.

So you've still got the same van then,
Loxie? That's right.

Lovely motor, real dabber.

Like it's owner.

You with me?

Well, well.

And what have we got here?

Hello, Dorian Green, business
consultant.

Hello, Loxie Gillick, I do the business.

I thought Dorian could sit in on our
discussion.

She can sit on anything she likes.

You must be wondering why I asked you to
come round.

Oh, it's obvious, isn't it? Your old
man's in neck, attractive woman like

young stallion like myself. How about
you, darling? Do you need your boiler

services?

Beg your pardon?

Don't fight it, doll.

It's nature.

Just shut up and listen. All I want is a
pump.

I can arrange that.

Do you need a pump too, darling?

A pump for a swimming pool.

A filter, the chemicals, the work.

What for? A swimming pool, you revolting
little man.

Has anyone told you you look lovely when
you're angry?

Has anyone ever told you you have the
intelligence and charm of a dung beetle?

Yeah, lots of people.

Look, can you get me the gear or not?

As it happens, I can. I know where
there's a warehouse full of the stuff.

I don't want it nicked.

Please, we're not all members of the
criminal fraternity.

This stuff belongs to a good friend of
mine.

He's just been sent down for three
years.

Johnny Gibson of Gibson Pools, he won't
be needing it no more.

Well, how much is it going to cost?

For you, girl, I can do something rather
special.

No, it's all right. I'd rather pay.

You'll just have to wait a few days.

No problem.

Though let's say I'd like a little bit
on account.

Well, you ain't getting a little bit on
account.

Very well.

How about you?

I'll go for the older woman.

Remove that immediately.

You are without doubt the flimiest, most
vile, extricable, loathsome...

form of low life it has ever been my
misfortune to meet.

Playing hard to get, are we?

Oh, what brings you here?

Came for a chat.

Oh, right.

Well, I wanted to talk to you.

I felt I had to talk to you.

Oh, no, you haven't, have you?

What? Got some bird up the duff, you
lame -brained pillock. Didn't I teach

nothing? No one's pregnant, Dad.

And no, you haven't taught me anything.

That's why I'm here.

Look, I sometimes feel as though I don't
know you.

That'd be stupid. Of course you know me.

My name's Daryl.

I'm your dad.

Hey, Dad.

I've been trying to sort a few things
out recently, and, well, I've been

all sorts of books.

One of them's about men. It's called
Iron John.

You heard of it?

No, I haven't. What are you reading
books about irons for?

What? Iron -offs.

Like Vincent Vincent over there.

No, it's not about that.

It's about a movement in America where
men go off into the woods together.

So it is about Ireland.

No, they go to discover their
masculinity.

Oh, my God, this hits worse.

It's about father -son relationships.

What are you suggesting?

Look, Dad, I just wanted us to get to
know each other a bit more.

You see, we've never spent much time
together.

We've never done the things that fathers
and sons normally do.

Took you fishing?

Once, when I was six.

It wasn't really fishing. We were
nicking jelly dills from the

Took us to Wembley.

Yeah, and left me there.

That was an accident.

We got separated in a crowd.

Anyway, I found you.

No, Dad. I found you.

In the boozer.

Yeah, all right. I'm sorry.

I've made mistakes.

But I've always tried to do my best by
you.

I'm sorry if I haven't been a very good
dad to you.

It's never too late.

But, Dad, can I tell you something?

Well, I've been thinking about this,
that and the other.

Your age, I mostly thought about the
other.

No, I mean life.

I've been trying to find out where I'm
at.

I've even been going to the church
recently.

The Churchill? It's a good booze of
that.

No, no, the church. The Church of
England.

St Mark's.

Oh, right.

And, well, I've been getting a lot out
of it.

You what?

Are you surprised?

No, no, no, if that's what you're into.

When I was younger, I used to go to
church.

I got a lot out of it, too.

Really? You see, I knew we should talk
more.

What did you get out of it?

About 300 quid for the lead I nicked off
the roof.

Morning, boss.

What's happened now?

Nothing. No problem. I was wondering
when we're going to get paid.

When we get paid? On Friday, when the
job's finished?

No, that is a bit of a problem.

Why? The job won't be finished on a
Friday.

But, Kenny, you promised.

I didn't know that Curtis was going to
go sick, did I?

Yes, you did.

That was the plan. It was his turn to go
sick.

No, he really is sick. And then there's
Alan. He can't work on a Tuesday.

Why not?

He's unemployed. It's his signing -on
day.

Billy, you promised.

I mean, you've got to be finished. Even
if we have to give you overtime.

Ah, now you're talking.

An extra hundred for each of the lads.

And it'll be finished on time.

Yeah, no problem.

See you.

That was blackmail. It pulled a fast
one.

I know.

We're going to cut into our profits.
Yeah. With all the extras we've got to

Kenny and the boys. We're not going to
be making five grand profit like we

thought. I knew it. No.

It's going to be nearer seven and a
half.

Well, thank you very much.

You've done an excellent job. I'm
delighted.

Are you going to christen it?

You know, have a little dip?

Could have as well. I don't swim.

What do you want a swimming pool for?

His benefit.

He'll be beside himself with jealousy.

Really got one up on him now.

Like the pool, do you?

If you'll excuse me, lady.

We did it! We did it! Yeah.

Let's have a look at the cheque.

We're in the money.

I say, have you got a moment?

I'd like a bigger one.

I've never met a man who didn't.

Just like that. Only bigger.

Much bigger.

Bigger and better.

I don't care what it costs.

You may have made a modest profit from
this little business venture of yours. I

wouldn't know. Money does not interest
me.

You what?

Oh, there's more to life than money.
Look what I got this morning.

What is it?

It's a picture of Kabar wearing the
scarf and the gloves that I gave him.

Why is he flat on his back?

Well, he passed out. It was very hot.

104 in the shade and, well, he wasn't in
the shade.

That was really stupid.

Perhaps so, but he won't be making that
mistake again.

Anyway, that's not the point I'm making.
I may be thousands of miles away, but I

brought something new into his life.

Yeah, sunstroke.

You know, I still can't get over how
easy it was.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Yes, it was
the squeezy part I objected to.

Yeah, I'm sorry about Loxie, but he
won't be back again. Well, if he is, I'm

not. It was appalling.

How many hands has that man got?

Look, I know he's a sleazeball, but his
bark's worse than his bite. Oh, yes. Do

you want to see the teeth mark?

I offered to be help. I didn't offer to
be a human sacrifice.

No danger of that. They only use
virgins.

Anyway, they'll teach you to keep your
nose out of our business. Yes, well, I

want nothing more to do with your so
-called business.

We made over seven grand.

How much?

I thought money didn't interest you,
Doe.

Oh, yes.

We're going to make it.

This ain't going to be just some small
business venture.

Oh, no.

Me and Trace, we're going to be really
big.

You said it, Sharon.

What'll I do?

When I'm alone with lonely dreams