Original subtitles

When I'm alone with lonely dreams of you

That won't come true What'll I

do?

I think it's disgusting the way they treat prisoners in this country I've got

good mind to go up there and give that governor a right mouthful. It's been out

of order.

Has something awful happened? Something terrible, Dawn.

Chris has applied for a weekend home visit.

12 years should mean 12 years.

Chris, next they'll be having drinks cabinets and naked women tucking them

bed overnight.

Does this mean that Daryl will be coming home too?

Yeah, it'll be a dream come true.

The smell of his cigar in the ass, washing out his smalls, cooking his

Running and fetching that stick when he throws it.

I'm just jealous.

You're pathetic, you are.

Yeah, well, I envy you both.

Women pay hundreds of pounds for sex with an uncaged man.

I know.

I've got the check stuff to prove it.

Sex would be the first thing you'd think of. Well, I'm sure it's across Daryl's

mind.

And Chris's.

So, when is the happy homecoming?

Well, we've got to put up with another probation officer's visit first.

They have to do an accommodation report on this place.

Fingers crossed we shouldn't have any problems here.

Who knows?

You'd better not do nothing to muck up this visit.

I mean it.

It's all right for you.

You don't have to put up with what I have to put up with. I'll change the

record. You just don't understand.

I don't understand. I have had your marital strife, a breakfast, dinner and

for the last five years.

Look, whatever you've got to look forward to now is down to you. You

divorced him. Yes.

Why haven't you?

None of your business knows.

Because if the truth be known, there's still a part of her that wants him.

can't it be amputated?

I married the man.

You're bound to wonder if there's something left. Sharon, you have to move

life. If you have made a mistake, you must recognise it. Use this visit to

out once and for all if there is anything left.

Give Chris an even break, and if he's still a worm, you can kick him into

with a clear conscience.

That's very astute reasoning, Tracy.

I mean, be nice to him for no reason.

I don't think I can. It's been so long.

There's no need to go mad.

Fibble would do.

How about if I'm nasty to him, but promise not to swear?

It's a pretty routine. It's just to make sure that the accommodation's up to

script.

Is this all part of the same house?

You haven't wandered into next door?

No, you'd know if we had. There'd be a naked man somewhere in the room.

And they say crime doesn't pay. I'd kill for a kitchen like this.

You don't have to go that far, Judith.

Just rob a couple of banks.

Would you like some tea?

Oh, great.

I just need to use your loo.

In the hall. First on the right. Thanks.

I wonder about trying to sabotage this.

Well, who does the resentful bitch think she is?

Who says crime doesn't pay?

I don't care what she thinks.

I just don't want anything to go wrong. Stop trying to get her back up.

Look, there's no way she can give us a bad report.

She's already wetting her knickers about this place.

We ain't shown her the East Wing yet.

Just stop calling her Judith, will you?

distance. Amazing.

Your toilet's bigger than my living room.

Milk and sugar, Miss Crowther? Just milk.

And it's Judith.

Well, actually, there is something you should know about the house. I want to

get it all out now.

Trace, I told you, you don't have to mention that.

Shut up. I want it all out in the open.

It's been over a year since our swimming pool's been chlorinated.

Now you're just taking a piss.

She don't mean to. It's just she's getting herself in a state over this

accommodation report.

Tracy, you've got nothing to worry about. You've got a house with its own

You've got more amenities than the borough I live in.

Sorry. You can use my swimming pool whenever you like.

Really? That's very nice of you.

Mind you stay in the shallow end.

That's a bit crime didn't pay for.

Sharon, there's something in your husband's application that doesn't quite

up. He talks about you and him, and he calls you warm and giving.

I'm not getting that.

What have he said, exactly?

Oh, warm and giving, blah, blah, blah. Ah, and then he says...

Your love is deeper than the deepest ocean, higher than the highest star,

than the widest wide thing.

I assume he couldn't think of anything wide.

He then goes on to make some comments about his loins, which I'd really rather

not read out.

Not true?

Trice, look, to be truthful, things ain't that good between us.

Well, they're bloody awful, if I'm honest.

That's why I want him to come home.

See if they'll be any better when he gets out.

Sure. This won't affect their chances, will it? No.

Sorry, what do you mean, their chances?

Chris, am I Daryl?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just here to do a report on Chris Theodopolopoulos.

Daryl's application's been withdrawn.

But why, Daryl?

What's wrong? Don't you want to come home?

Of course I do.

But he's one of the screws. He's got it in for me in a minute.

He says if I apply for leave, he'll put a hard word on me and get it knocked

back. All I can do is bide my time and try again in a couple of months.

Well, can't you just tell someone he's picking on you?

He's not in the playground, Trace. He ain't going to be impressed with a note

from his mum.

It's just so unfair that you can't come over that slimy little maggot, Chris

Cairns. John, that's my slimy little maggot you're talking about.

I know exactly how you feel, darling.

I feel the same.

In fact, there's nothing in the world that could make me feel worse than I do

right now.

Oh, I'm on my way to Chigwell. I'm on my way to Chigwell.

Shut it.

Listen, babe, I'm going to go.

It's a bit difficult to talk right now.

Look, try not to get too upset.

I'll phone you later.

Now, you look after yourself.

I'll see you soon, eh?

Birds, eh?

Hey, I'll give a cuddle for you when I get there.

You dare!

I can't breathe now.

You just remember to behave yourself when you're in my home. Look, I'll be as

good as gold, I promise.

I have to be.

I want to make things right between me and Sharon. You know, I held my parole.

Listen, don't worry, right? Because I won't tell Tracy it was your own fault

got your home leave not back.

It wasn't my fault. It was your fault. Oh, I suppose I asked you to beat me up

then. Everything you do makes someone want to give you a right hand up. Get

of it. I'm a popular bloke. Popular?

The governor apologised for having to punish me. He said by rights.

Sorting you out to qualify me for two weeks in Bermuda.

Oh, thanks.

Really hit the spot, that.

Do you want afters?

Please.

A tin of pears in the cupboard.

Great.

It's really something, being out, you know.

Having a chance to spend some time with my wife.

Relaxing in palatial surroundings.

Luxuriating on an expensive sofa.

Hey, watching a telly after nine o 'clock.

I'm that excited, I can't think what to do next.

Try shutting up.

He's up, Trace.

Oh, don't worry.

There's no need to fret about Daryl.

Leave it, Chris.

No, no, they've got a lot on.

He won't have time to think about not being out.

They've got a ping -pong tournament.

And then on Sunday, they're having a film show, Home Alone.

I'm surprised there's room in your mouth for that steak and your foot.

Cheer up, Trace.

You can't mope all weekend. I don't intend to. I'm going round Dorians

We're going to open a bottle of wine. Or five.

Well, that sounds good. I'll have some of that.

How can you? What about him?

Oh, yeah.

Just being civil larks, hard work, isn't it?

I was hoping we might spend a bit of time together tonight.

Any ideas?

Oh, no.

Nothing like that.

Well, I realise it'll be a long time before we, you know, share a bed.

Good. Because right now it's hard enough work sharing the same air.

I just want to rest. I've had a hard day at work.

Oh, no.

Why don't you go and have a bath?

Why don't you go and get a personality?

Oh, no, sweetheart.

Oh, I'm not implying you smell or anything.

I just want you to go and have a nice folk to help you unwind.

I'll do the washing up.

I'm not sure I like you being this considerate. It unnerves me.

Still, I might go and have half an hour in the jacuzzi. Oh, if you need someone

to scrub your back... You'll hear me calling.

For someone else!

Easy, darling.

Quick, do this.

What's happened?

Oh, me back.

Put me foot down a rabbit hole, twisted me ankle.

Did you carry her all the way from the forest?

No, just from the front door.

I'd like to give us a lift.

You should put your feet up. Oh, yeah, cheers.

Not you, me.

Pack it in, I ain't that heavy.

Do you want the support bandage? Stop fussing over me, Chris. There's one

upstairs in the medicine cabinet. I'll get it.

You're right.

Great, fancy drink.

Oh, you can't go.

I didn't say that.

He offered to carry me and I thought, why not?

Been on my back for years.

What was he like when you was out with him?

On his best behaviour.

Trying to convince me that he's changed.

We stopped at one of those ice cream kiosks. You know, all little tables and

chairs outside.

My seat was wet so he dried it with his jacket.

I thought it was very brave of him considering it ain't rained in over a

I had to keep checking that he still had that gar I give him over his eye.

Otherwise I thought I was out for a different bloke.

Do you think prison could have turned him into a human being then?

Well, it's got him away from his family.

Given him a chance to mix with the better class of person.

You know, Trace, he's showed me something in those woods he's never

before.

Do I want to hear this?

He showed me we can have an intelligent conversation.

Chris? It's hard to believe I know.

But he's been doing nature study while he's been inside.

He knew all the different names of the plants and the animals.

Do you know the difference between an oak and a larch?

Of course I do.

One's a bird and the other one's a tree.

You know the other night when you were saying about not being stupid?

Oh. I see your foot's got better.

Yeah, it just sort of loosened up, you know.

Wine always has that effect on us.

Is it all right if I use the jacuzzi? You know, freshen myself up with it for

tonight. Morning.

Ah, terrific.

I've always fancied a guy in one of them things.

What's the etiquette?

Do I keep my pants on?

Yeah, it was all right last night.

David, since I've been wined and dined.

Nicked and fined frequently.

Where did he take you?

Linguinees.

That classy place next to Wanstead Station.

Wanstead.

Classy.

I think not.

It's got the sign in the window.

Much as you can eat for ten quid. Oh, that classy place.

Look at that weather.

Been ages since we sat and talked.

You know, really talked.

About why things went wrong between us.

He said it was all his fault.

And I agreed.

Are you beginning to believe that he has really changed?

Well, half of me says no.

And so does the other half.

I just want to be 100 % sure, you know.

Trace, you ain't visiting Daryl in this weather. It's treacherous.

It's only a bit of rain. I'm not made of sugar.

A bit of rain?

There are flood warnings all over the radio.

Especially where you're going.

Half that area's under sea level.

Land below sea.

Look, I might have got confused between a lark and a larch, but I'm not that

gullible.

Besides, nothing will stop me visiting Daryl this weekend. He'll be broken up

knowing he's stuck in there and Chris is out here in his home using his jacuzzi

again.

You can't... blaming for enjoying a good soak.

I mean, a shower is hardly the place where you linger in prison.

I'm going.

Will you drive careful?

No. I'm going to do 100 miles an hour all the way there down the old shoulder.

Stop treating me like I'm stupid.

She's got a thing about people thinking she's stupid.

Started at school.

What happened?

She was stupid.

Well,

Scintillating though this conversation is, I'd better get home.

Marcus has knocked you back from Frankfurt till tonight, so Paul's coming

I met him at the bridge club and he's wonderful.

Just the man you want, I'll fit you in a rubber.

Stop, stop.

There is one way I can find out if Chris is trying to con me.

Really? Well, no matter how good he's at, the promise of a bit on the side

flush out the old him.

All I... need to do is find some woman who'll give him the come on.

Who'll never fuss it to set up. That boy thinks with his loins.

I ain't that bright.

Good idea.

So you'll help me then?

Me?

No, there are women you can hire for that sort of thing.

Yes? Yes. They're called prostitutes.

Exaggerate, door.

I don't need to actually sleep with him. Just watch.

myself in front of that tacky little husband of yours. Well, I am sorry,

but I have my standards.

All right. They might not be up there with the Archbishop of Canterbury, but

they are standards nonetheless.

And number one is, the men I go with, I go with out of choice.

And I thought we were friends.

Do I worry about my standards when Marcus comes knocking here asking where

are? Do I get up on my morals and say, I cannot tell a lie.

She's at a nearby hotel getting a good rogering.

Oh, no, I lie through my teeth.

Yes, well, I am sorry, Sharon, but I see a world of difference between you

telling a few lies and me acting as live bait.

Yes. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

Friendships are one way street to you, isn't it, Dor? Oh, please.

Don't, don't.

Oh, please me.

This is my life we're talking about.

Yes, well, I have already told you I'm expecting Paul.

Take a couple of minutes.

I'll go to the cafe in an hour or two. All you've got to do is come round here

and make yourself available.

I guarantee he'll do the rest.

If it's female and got her pulses in there.

Thanks, Dor.

No need to thank me, Sharon. I am not doing it.

I hope Paul's rubber bursts.

What man could possibly resist you?

Paul, you're a lucky boy.

Hi, darling.

What do you want?

Well, our phone's on a blink and I need to ring a cab.

It's all right if I borrow yours.

Did Sharon send you round here?

No, no, she's down at Keff. I'm going to see the family.

OK, but we'll be quick.

Oh, cheers.

Everything OK?

Yeah.

No?

Hello? Can I have a cab, please?

19 Brian Close, going to Arringay.

Oh, you've got one around the corner.

Lovely.

Ah!

What's up? I think there's something in my eye. Could you look?

Can you see anything?

No, no.

Your eyes are watering a lot, though.

I think it's your breath.

Oh, yes.

Linguini special bolognese with double garlic.

Hey, tell your friends.

Oh, there's my cab. Got to run.

Yes.

How about the next time I'm out, we go down for a meal down there?

Ah, you and me together, eh?

Now, now, I'm a reformed man.

So it would seem.

Nah, be blinding. Me and Sharon, you and Mark, whoever.

Yeah, every party of four gets a free music box shaped like the Vatican.

It plays Volare.

Volare.

Whoa! Get down!

As good as in my diary.

Tracy, what happened to you?

I had a flat.

What are you looking at?

Tracy, you shouldn't have come in this weather.

Yes, I should.

They might be able to stop you coming to me, but nothing's going to stop me

coming to you.

Tracy, you make me feel terrible.

Why? The weather's not your fault.

If there was this sort in here, I'd probably try and blame it on you if they

could.

Which screw's got it in for you, is it here?

No, Tracy, look, calm down, will you?

I can't. I'm going to go through with the prisoners' wives, make an official

complaint. No, Tracy.

But it's so unfair.

Kicking up a fuss will just make things worse.

You know, I think it's really great the way you've taken this on the chin.

A few years ago, you would have gone mad. Probably beat up some poor little

As if.

I'm really proud of you. The whole system is conspiring against you, but

not bitter. You're big enough to rise above it.

Talk about heroes.

You're my hero.

Oh, turn it in, Trace. You're tearing me up.

You're making me out to be some sort of saint.

I'm not.

I lied.

It was my own fault I didn't get home leave.

I lost my head over something and give Chris a good hiding.

Look, you've got to remember, it's like a pressure cooker in here.

Temp and flare are the littlest things.

They get blown out of all proportion.

I spent half a day making a lasagna.

I asked Chris to keep an eye on it. He let it burn.

What?

You ruined the chance of spending a weekend at home with me over some ponced

shepherd's pie.

I know it sounds stupid when you say it quick.

Oh!

You been waiting long?

Oh, not long.

Tracy's visiting Daryl. I think Chris is visiting his herd.

Sorry, family.

I've just come round to see how your home visit's going.

Really?

You've come all this way in this terrible weather just to do that?

All part of the service.

Oh, look!

You just happen to have your swimming cosy in your towel.

Now you'll be able to use that pool while you're here.

Yeah, OK, you got me.

Tracy did say I could pop round any time.

I tried to phone first, but there's a fault on your line.

Is there?

So how is your husband's visit going?

Not bad.

Any chance of a jacuzzi while I'm here?

Of course.

Anything else?

Cup of coffee?

Four -course meal? It's inconvenient.

Tracy said, and it's her house.

I'll just have to check the jacuzzi.

My husband's very hairy, you see.

Those bends don't take long to clog up.

I would say help yourself to a drink.

I think you probably will anyway.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hi.

You must be Chris.

I'm Judith.

Oh, that was my mother's name.

No, I've just come round to use your jacuzzi. Well, Tracy's jacuzzi. Oh, I

thinking of jumping in there myself.

Oh, sorry.

No need to be.

We could always share.

I don't think Sharon would like that.

I wasn't planning on telling her, babe.

So you dropped the little act, eh?

Shouldn't be surprised.

You never could keep anything up for long.

Well, I was just having a laugh with, er... You can't have forgotten her name.

It's the same as your mum's, remember?

Sharon, you're getting the wrong end of the stick. I was just having a bit of a

grin. Well, grin at this.

Judith here is the probation officer.

Eh?

Yes. The woman that's going to be doing your report on your behaviour out of

prison.

And you try to jump her.

You bring a whole new dimension to the meaning of the word loser, don't you?

I wouldn't have meant nothing, Shell.

I mean, you're the one I love.

Look... A bit of over -the -side sex has got nothing to do with a bloke's

marriage. Why can't you women understand that?

I wonder if you'd excuse us, please, Judith.

I'd like to throw some crockery at my husband.

Come on, Shell.

Leave it out, Shell.

You two -timing... Sharon!

Deceitful! Lying!

Really horrible!

I'm in a dip.

He'll get no argument from me there, Trace.

If he had a chance to come home, I would have thought he would have done

anything.

Getting into a fight over lasagna.

They've started wars for this.

Do you know why World War I started?

No.

No, neither do I, but I mean... It can't have been for much, can it?

I ain't being lied to.

Bear only does it because he's like everyone else, thinks I'm stupid.

I must be stupid.

I believed he earned his money putting up conservatories when he was a bank

robber.

That's the point.

How do I know he's telling the truth now when he says he was robbing banks?

He could have been up to no good for all I know.

Another one?

I'm upset.

Not as much as me.

And why are we eating off a paper plate?

Chris is still picking our crockery out of his hair.

Well, I hope you give him a dinner plate for me.

I've done your prayer, Tracy.

Date plate right at the side of the head.

Oh, did he scream.

Nice to know I've still got all the old moves.

I fancy doing something to hurt Daryl.

Oh, you ain't going to start unpicking that card that you've been knitting him,

are you?

I've gone drunk on chaps and blokes.

I hate having a drink with you when you're like this.

You start off all belligerent, have two wines, spend the rest of the night

crying. No, I don't. Look, you're a free woman now. You can do as you want.

You are going to divorce him, aren't you?

I don't believe you.

It's funny, but when he was being nice, he was boring.

No one trying to get his probation officer into the jacuzzi turns him into

Cruise, does it?

No.

Oh, I can't explain.

It's like I've always said.

The bigger the bastard, the more you like him.

Well, I think you're mad.

That's the saddest thing about it, Trace.

I think I'm mad and all.

Just on my way to pick up Marcus from the airport, but I had to call in and

you the good news. It is true, Sharon.

Your husband is a completely reformed character.

I know I said I wouldn't test him, but while you were out, he called round and

inadvertently caught me in my number one negligee. And there was not a flicker.

He was totally uninterested.

That door... Trace.

Door, are you sure it weren't just you?

What do you mean?

Well, that he's still the old Chris, but he just didn't fancy you.

Don't be ridiculous.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. I mean, if that was the case, we'd have caught him

to chuck out the probation officer or something.

Yeah.

Yeah, now, a woman would have to have a face like a bag of hammers not to be

fancied by my husband.

Exactly. The day I couldn't tempt the old Chris, even dressed in a potato

I would trade in my Anne Somers underwear for incontinence pads.

Anyway, must fly. Ciao.

You're wicked, you are.

Well, I did rather nose in it, did I?

Mind you, the next fat joke, she won't know what's itter.

What will I do when you...

Next on BBC One, the Longmans' lives are turned upside down in C4.

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