All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s06e07 Moving

What will I do when you are gone?

Yeah, all right.

Reckon they can't get cab here for half
an hour.

Well, try quick cars.

No, they charge what they like.

They think they're British Rail.

I'll be murdered by the time I get to
that cash and carry.

Well, you should have got up when I
called you.

Trace, I'm up at Sparrow's Cough all
week.

Saturday's the only chance I get for a
lay -in.

Of course, if you were to lend me your
car... No.

Why not?

You can't drive.

Not true!

I grant you I haven't passed my test,
but that does not mean I can't drive.

Well, what if you have an accident or
get stopped by the police?

I'll give you a name.

It worked last time. What?

Relax, Trace. They're hardly likely to
stop a disabled driver, are they?

Where did you get that from?

I made it.

You just wrote it wrong. That doesn't
say disabled. That says disabled.

Oh? I'm educationally subnormal as well.

Didn't expect to see you this morning.

No.

We only saw that bloke go into your
house five minutes ago.

What have you done? Locked him in the
cupboard till later?

He's going to let him out in a couple of
days, are you? When he's a spent force

and his trousers are in shreds.

Bit risky bringing him home, though, eh,
Doc?

Yeah, well, the poor old cow ain't got
the energy to go out and pull any more,

so... No, she has to have home delivery.

Doc, do you get a quid off if you have
to wait more than half an hour for him

get off?

The man that you saw is an estate agent
who is looking at my home on behalf of a

couple who wish to buy in the close.

You're moving.

Almost certainly.

And thank you, Tracy.

You seem genuinely upset by the
prospect.

Well, I am. I'll miss you.

Yeah, me too.

There'll be no one to scare the local
kids with when they miss behind.

Don't worry, Tracy. I don't intend to go
far.

I've got my eye on the Grange. The
Grange? You can afford that?

Well, probably not under normal
circumstances. But this couple are so

find a house here, they are willing to
pay top valuation for mine.

You lucky cow.

Luck has got nothing to do with it,
Sharon. My flair for interior design and

decoration, coupled with exquisite
taste, has simply made my home the most

desirable in the close.

In your own humble opinion.

I want to move one day. Me and Daryl are
going to get a nice little place in the

country.

And I suppose you'll fall back on the
mercy of the council housing system once

your life turns back into a pumpkin.

Any sentence?

Wrong, Princess Charmless.

I've got my own Des Rez above the calf.

Yes, two bedrooms, bathroom, fitted
kitchenette.

Really?

Take no notice of her. It's a cold black
hole she uses as a storeroom.

Not any more. I've cleared most of the
stock out. And I've got the eating

working. Now, that'll make a cozy little
palace one day.

You never tell me.

I don't have to tell you everything,
Trace. We ain't joined at the hip.

You're not thinking of moving as well,
are you? You know I couldn't keep this

place going without what you bring in.
Relax, Trace. I know where I'm well off.

At least, dear, I've got her.

Swimming pool, sauna, jacuzzi. Exactly.

Our own gym.

Probably use it.

Use of your car whenever I need to go to
Cash and Carrie.

I said no.

I've got a lot of stuff.

I could be in my little flat by Monday.
Don't try and blackmail me.

Take my car.

Are you mad?

Brakes dodgy, are they?

Well, two minutes ago we was calling
each other names.

Oh, that was just banter. I didn't mean
it.

I did.

Do you want it or not? I mean, it
doesn't matter. Oh, yeah, yeah, great.

Cheers. Cancel that cab tray.

What are you after?

I want to rent Sharon's flat.

What for?

It's dingy and grimy and above a greasy
spoon that's always full of... workmen.

What a trollop you are.

Two, six, eleven.

Sharon, you're back.

How is the cash and carry?

Not now, Dora. I'm in the middle of
adding up.

Two, six, eleven... What are you doing?

Waiting. I want to ask you something.

Two, six, eleven, nineteen... It's no
good. I can't

concentrate with you sitting there.

Can't it wait?

No. It's important.

If it's about the car, then I'm sorry.

I was forced to park under trees.

I know I should have closed the sunroof,
but... I didn't realise sparrows had

that good a name. It's not about the
park. No, carry on.

2, 6, 11, 19, 25... £219 .54.

Dorian?

I've added it up for you.

£219 .54. That's the answer.

Are you sure?

I'm married to an accountant. He taught
me to add up quickly.

It's no substitute for a sex life, but
you have to tell what you can for the

marriage.

Now, can we talk?

Hang on, Jill.

Hello?

Hello, Chris.

What do you want?

These phone cards, they've given them a
bloody menace.

A chat?

In prison? What have you got to chat
about?

Yeah.

Hang on a sec, Chris. Hang on. There's
someone at the door.

Right, fire away.

Well, why not hang up?

Because he'll just ring back.

This way he'll use up his phone card
holding on.

Now, it's about your... Ah, ah.

Hang on.

It's about your... Will you please sit
down and listen to me?

Now, about your flat.

Aren't you shell?

Do you think I can rent your flat?

Yeah, why not?

starting to strangle you a bit, are
they, mate?

Something like that.

You cannot do this to me. I've been nice
to you.

What do you want it for, anyway?

I can't talk about it in front of the
boy.

The boy?

I'm old enough to know that you only
want somewhere to dance a horizontal

We want somewhere to live.

We?

Yeah, me and my friend Kate.

Oh.

Planning a little slow, slow, quick,
quick, slow of your own, eh?

Hold on to your liposuction scar,
Dorian.

This is going to come as a shock, but it
is possible for two people of the

opposite sex to have a purely platonic
relationship.

All right, you want to play dirty, let's
talk rent.

I will double anything he offers.

Right.

I can't afford much, but I'll pay you
back in kind.

I'll help you out in a cap as often as I
can.

In kind's nice, Garvey, but it ain't
folding.

All right, well, I'll open it up every
morning for you and all. Give you an

extra hour in bed.

Done.

price an extra hour in bed, eh?

What am I talking about if you don't
know who does?

No hard feelings.

One of that.

Does your mum know you're flying the
nest?

You know what she's like.

She still hasn't come to terms with me
being out of nappies yet.

I'll wait till she's in a good mood
before I break it to her.

After an hour I queued at that check
-out, then one of me carrier bags fit, I

got a parking ticket, had a flat tyre
that I had to change in the pouring

and on top of that I got raging PMT.

So the last thing you want to hear is
that Garth's leaving home.

What?

God, this is hard work.

Yeah, sorry, Kate.

Not quite the little palace my Aunt
Sharon made out, is it?

She's always lied to me.

Every Easter egg I got from her was a
second.

When I asked her why they was always
broken, she said, they must have been

by very tall chickens.

It'll be OK once we've given it a clean.

And an airing.

I feel cold.

This is really great.

I'll say.

Being able to share a flat with a man,
knowing that we're just mates.

Very adult of us, isn't it?

I wouldn't feel comfortable with most
guys unless there was a lock on the

bedroom door.

Oh, there's no need to worry about that
with me.

In fact, you don't even have to worry
about locking the bathroom.

There's no way I'd walk in and catch you
stepping naked and steaming from the

shower.

I feel better now.

Any time.

I thought this kitchen was supposed to
be fitted.

It is fitted.

Only, uh, not to the walls.

When was your last tetanus jab?

Why? One of us has got to clean the
oven.

Cough, cough. Get your clothes on, you
two. You've got visitors.

Hello, Kate.

Hello, Tressie.

Sitting in all right?

Fine, Mum. Hope you're looking after
yourself properly.

Yes, Mum. Got enough clean underwear?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Trace, he's not a baby. He'll always be
my baby.

Bet you're not eating properly.

Got you some chicken and some bacon.

Mum, I live above a cafe and I go to
catering college.

Food isn't a problem.

Bet you didn't think to get some fruit.
Got you some fruit and all in there.

Yes, well, we can never have too much.

Trace, why don't you give him your
housewarming present?

Oh, yeah.

What is it? The bathroom set.

A little mat to go by the sink and
another one to go round the toilet.

You know, for those accidents little
boys have.

It'll look nice. I'll go and put it
down.

While we're on the subject of the
toilet, Aunty Sharon, when are you going

get us a seat?

Hang on, hang on. I don't think that's
down to me.

As the landlord, I provide the basic
facilities, but fripperies are down to

tenants. A toilet seat isn't a
fripperie. It's bloody cold in there.

Yeah, when's the heating going to come
on?

I'm having problems with the boiler.
It's not behaving itself.

So you'll get a plumber in there?

No, I'll give it a kick.

Always work with Chris.

What about these boxes of beans? When
are they going to be shifted?

Soon, soon.

Just put them in the big bedroom for
now.

We can't. The tinned tomatoes are in
there.

No, you don't. I'll get it. Tell her
about the dripping tap, Kate.

You got water, have you?

I should be charging you more.

Look, Kate, just write down all your
little problems, then I'll work out what

needs to be done.

Right, OK.

Oh, there's Garfield behaving himself.

Just let me know if the randy little sod
gives you any trouble.

I don't think there's much chance of
that with him being gay.

Of course, of course.

For you, it's your mum.

So, what's new, Garth?

Not a lot.

Certainly nothing in here.

Been to the pictures lately?

Bought any new clothes?

Turned gay?

There's only way I could get Kate to
move in with me. You devious little sod.

What was you going to do? Turn up in her
bedroom one night after a sudden

conversion? Was that the plan?

No.

Well, not plan A.

You put her straight or else you're out
on your rear.

Gave you a basin and your toilet bowl a
quick once over while I was in there.

Hasn't Kate ever heard of Domestos?

Mum, will you please stop fussing? Well,
I don't know why you want to leave home

in the first place.

I mean, you could come and go as you
please. I never interfered. I know.

I was very happy at home.

But I'm nearly 20 years old and I'm
quite capable of looking after myself.

The time's come when I want to stand on
my own two feet. Be independent, OK?

OK.

Do you want me to take you dirty washing
home?

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, I thought it was Dorian.

You're disappointed it's me?

I'll take that personally, Trace. I had
a visit from that estate agent. That

couple that was going to buy her place
have knocked it back.

They went round to view while she was
out and told the estate agent it looked

like it'd been decorated by a barmaid
who'd won the pools.

You're joking.

No, listen, and they said it was pokey.

She'd die if anyone found out.

And we have.

Good evening.

Can I have a look at your local paper?

I simply must find my own little love
nest to rent.

I've been trying to find somewhere to go
with my new man, Brian.

He's a relapsed, born -again Christian.
And I suddenly realised that I've been

to all the local hotels at least half a
dozen times. I mean, it is becoming

embarrassing. Half of them mention me by
name in their fire instructions.

What?

You were just wondering what it was
called.

What?

The pub you worked in before you had
your big winch.

I bet you served a lovely pint of old
pokey.

Who told you? That estate agent.

Well, what was he doing here?

Checking out this place.

What for?

If my place wasn't good enough for the
tasteless bitch, then... Then what would

she want with a tip like this?

I didn't say that. No, but you were
thinking it. Well, you're wrong. He

it could be just the sort of place
they're looking for.

Look any thicker door, we'll have to
call an ambulance.

No, really, I'm big enough to be happy
for you.

Well, it means you can realise your
little dream sooner than you thought,

Tracey. Sell us and buy your little
place in the country.

No, she can't. Be no good for me.

I've got to be near the cafe now, Trace.

Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

Of course we've got to sell.

You can come and live up here near the
prison.

Lovely countryside.

I'm not sure I want to move right now.

Tracey, these people are willing to pay
top valuation.

It's a one -off.

It could be years before the market gets
back up the level we bought at.

And I don't want to lose money I had to
work hard for.

You stole it.

You make it sound so easy.

It weren't just a question of walking
into a bank and having it all handed

to me.

I suppose it was, really.

It's still all that to be planned.

You've changed your tune. You used to
bore me rigid banging on about your

ass. Now you can't wait to get rid of
it.

Oh, well, I'm sorry if I bored you.

If you'd have been born in a poxy prefab
like me, I wouldn't have had to keep

on. You'd have understood.

I brought up, Balmoral.

Compared to me?

Aunt Sylvia's flat had a damp patch in
every room.

Talk to me about damp.

We longed for a room with a dry patch.

And we had rats.

No, you never had rats.

Apart from your mother.

We had sewer rats in the garden.

I used to pick them off with my air gun.

We knew how to enjoy ourselves then.

Chits today.

Don't know what they're missing stuck in
front of their computer screens all day

long. If I'd rather them do that than
shoot things with a gun.

Never done me no harm.

You grew up to be an armed robber.

I know why you're so anti. It's that
sister of yours.

If she weren't living there, things
would be different, wouldn't they?

But Sharon's been good to me. I could
never have run that house without her

help. I'd feel like I was abandoning
her.

Look, I'm going to be released in the
not -too -distant future. She's going to

be out on her ear then anyway.

This way, she'd get a chance to sort
herself out before she gets lumbered

Chris again.

You'd be doing her a favour.

And then there's Garthy.

We'd have enough money left over.

to buy him a nice little place of his
own.

Now, you'd like to do that for him,
wouldn't you? Of course I would.

Well, then.

Here, what's this bird like he's shacked
up with?

He's not shacked up with her. They're
just friends.

Well, of course she's his friend.

He don't have a regular strump he don't
get on with.

It's all right for you. You ain't got to
break the news to Sharon.

I don't mind telling her.

In fact, I quite look forward to it.

Mmm.

Done roaming.

What? I think that's what we're called
in new plays.

I think I prefer Dan Robin.

What's wrong with Dan and Trace?

We've done that.

I fancy something with a bit more
imagination.

Tracendale.

You know what I was doing when I picked
a catering student to share with?

My last flatmate was doing pathology. I
was never comfortable with a steak and

kidney pie.

Kate, I've got a confession to make.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Something's happened to me.

You've turned me upside down.

What do you mean?

Well, I fancy you, so I don't think I'm
gay anymore.

What? But all that pain you went through
when you came out.

I've gone back in again.

I'm sorry. I feel as though I've let you
down.

No, no.

Don't be silly. I'm glad you feel like
that. You see, I found myself wanting

you.

Brilliant. I mean, really?

Shall we go into the bedroom?

We don't want to rush this, do we?

Don't we?

No.

Let's just savour the moment.

All right.

Besides, before we can do anything,
we've got six cases of tinned tomatoes

move off the bed.

Save it, Trace. I'm sick of your
excuses.

What's this?

Right. Pack your bags, Hansel, and
gretel your out.

No, no, please, I shall. Not just now.

Don't blame me. It's your mum's fault.

She's throwing me out because she can
set up and go and live in the country.

So I shall be needing this place for
myself.

Look, you don't have to move out right
away. It might not even happen.

They haven't even looked at the ash yet.

It's all right.

I know where I'm not wanted.

You're out of order doing this, Mum.

Well, it's for the best, Garth. It'll
give us money in the bank.

Me and your dad will be able to help you
buy a little flat of your own.

Oh, excellent.

this shell.

I bet your Daryl can't believe his luck.

He'd do anything to get me out of his
precious house. He's never liked me

there. Why don't you stand up to him,
Tracey? You shouldn't let him tell you

what to do.

Are you listening?

I wanted this as much as Daryl.

You care.

You used me.

Oh, don't leave me, shell.

I've got to cope in the place on my own,
shell.

And then wallop, have that between the
shoulder blades.

Literally, I'm doing you a favour.

Excuse me?

How is throwing me out of a luxury five
-bedroomed house into this crap pit

doing me a favour?

Well, hold on, I'm trying to remember.

Oh, yes, that's it. You were going to
have to go when the boys get out anyway.

This way, it'll give you a chance to
sort yourself out before you've got

under your feet again.

OK, I forget the idea of moving near the
prison.

Stay with me. No, no, no. Don't worry
about me. You do as you intended.

Like you said, I'll be out of my ear
soon anyway.

No, don't worry. I'll be fine. I'll be
fine.

Mum, it's too late for Kate to try and
get back into the halls of residence.

Is it all right if she comes back and
stays with me?

Oh, you've dropped your little pretense
now, have you, Garth?

Oh, sorry, Trace.

You didn't know that Garth tricked Kate
into moving in here by telling her he

was gay, did you?

What?

Indictive bunch of you women, ain't you?

What happened?

Nothing. What are you expecting to
happen? Well, the people who wandered by

house, have they arrived?

Do. And they like it. They like it a
lot, actually.

Really? Yes, really.

And they've just gone upstairs for
another look.

What are they like?

He's all right. She's a bitch.

Call my china grand vulgar.

Tasteless cow.

So, looks like you will be moving then.

Looks like it.

The end of an era.

We'll keep in touch, Dawn. No, we won't.
That's just something people say. We'll

soon forget about each other.

Dorian, I'll never ever forget you.

Thank you.

It already seems strange with Sharon not
being here.

How's she getting on at the flat?

Fine. I rung her last night, but I don't
think she wanted to talk. She said she

had to go because Badger Watch was
coming on.

It's sad.

I will miss you.

You and Sharon know more about me than
anyone else in the world, apart from my

gynaecologist.

What does this new guy do?

He's a record producer.

Really?

They have those wonderful house parties
in the summer, you know, where the

drinks are served by hunky male models
and lots of famous people drop by for a

snort.

That could be just the shot in the arm
the social life round here needs, now

that the Rotary Club's given up its
bondage nights.

You shouldn't get out of the shock of us
leaving.

Rosie! In here.

Hi. We really love the pla... Dominic!

Dodo!

Oh, God.

Is there a man alive who hasn't swept
her chimney?

Oh. Um, I live next door.

Not that awful house that looks like
it's been decorated by... No, no, no,

no, the other side.

Oh, my God, Angela's upstairs.

What's the matter?

Well, when we had our thing, my wife
caught us.

In mid -thing.

Dominic? Are you down there? She's
coming. I've got to get out of here.

the kitchen, the kitchen.

What are we going to do?

Calm down, darling. She may not
recognise you.

As I remember, it wasn't your face she
saw.

Well, Dominic, it's not perfect, but I'm
sure we can do something with it.

Oh, so that's why you're the key to move
here.

I knew living next door to you would
bring the house prices down.

What can I say?

I'm a victim of fate.

There's only one victim here, and you're
looking at her. I sense it would be

best if I go.

Either that, or you're dead, dodo.

What is it? A peace offering.

Is it worth three quarters of a million
pound?

Well, of course it isn't. Then stick it.

That's what you cost me.

Oh, Tracy, please don't bear a grudge.

I'm Jewish. We don't handle guilt well.

Oh, Dorian, this stuff's really
expensive.

£120 an ounce plus that.

But who counts money where friendship's
involved?

Hello, Cheryl.

Tracy, got your favourite cakes.

I'm surprised you've got the cheek to
show your face around here.

This is Tracy's house.

We have discussed the unfortunate
incident and she has forgiven me. No, I

I've taken your perfume, but it'll be
months before I'm friends with you

Of course.

Well, I'll just leave you two alone.

Dominic is coming round to have a second
look at my bedroom.

Is there anything to buy in your house
again?

No, he just wants a second look at my
bedroom.

All right if I sit down?

You don't have to ask.

He's only polite when visiting.

Visitors get the biggest cake as well,
don't they?

Well, the old place hasn't changed much.

You've only been gone a week.

How are you?

Fine. How's the cafe?

Fine. Business good? Fine.

Everything's fine, except the flat.

Oh.

That's brilliant.

Yes, I've done wonders with it. You
wouldn't recognise the place.

You seem disappointed.

Oh, yeah, I am.

Look, I know you probably think it's a
cheek, but now the move's off, I was

wondering if you wanted to move back
here.

Of course.

I do think it's a cheek.

No, living in the flats.

Brilliant, yeah, you said.

Get another lodger.

No, I don't want some stranger dropping
all their dirty underwear everywhere,

leaving a ring around the bath and
coming in at all hours drunk as a sack.

was bad enough when I had to pull up
with it from my own sister.

Trace, this is a luxury home.

You can attract a top -class punter.

Advertise. And I'm not talking about the
newsagent's window above.

Cindy's Home Massage, a nearly new brand
for sale.

You know, horse and hounds, country
life, that's the sort of market you

be aiming at. What, like a professional
type?

Possibly, or someone who owns their own
business.

Mind you, you'll have to offer more than
just a room.

Breakfast in bed, full laundry service,
evening meal, priority use of all

household facilities, like the jacuzzi,
TV remote, unlimited use of the drinks

cabinet. I am! going to end up as
someone skivvy it's only fair trace

it's their money that's paying for
everything okay okay

right i'll have the room then i

accept your terms and conditions and i'm
ready to move back in i'm not waiting

on you and what are you up to what about
your precious flat trace it's a tip

I wouldn't kennel a dog there.

So Garfield can have it back.

He's a student.

They love living in squalor.

What'll I do when you are gone?