Original subtitles

What will I do when you are gone?

Yeah, all right.

Reckon they can't get cab here for half an hour.

Well, try quick cars.

No, they charge what they like.

They think they're British Rail.

I'll be murdered by the time I get to that cash and carry.

Well, you should have got up when I called you.

Trace, I'm up at Sparrow's Cough all week.

Saturday's the only chance I get for a lay -in.

Of course, if you were to lend me your car... No.

Why not?

You can't drive.

Not true!

I grant you I haven't passed my test, but that does not mean I can't drive.

Well, what if you have an accident or get stopped by the police?

I'll give you a name.

It worked last time. What?

Relax, Trace. They're hardly likely to stop a disabled driver, are they?

Where did you get that from?

I made it.

You just wrote it wrong. That doesn't say disabled. That says disabled.

Oh? I'm educationally subnormal as well.

Didn't expect to see you this morning.

No.

We only saw that bloke go into your house five minutes ago.

What have you done? Locked him in the cupboard till later?

He's going to let him out in a couple of days, are you? When he's a spent force

and his trousers are in shreds.

Bit risky bringing him home, though, eh, Doc?

Yeah, well, the poor old cow ain't got the energy to go out and pull any more,

so... No, she has to have home delivery.

Doc, do you get a quid off if you have to wait more than half an hour for him

get off?

The man that you saw is an estate agent who is looking at my home on behalf of a

couple who wish to buy in the close.

You're moving.

Almost certainly.

And thank you, Tracy.

You seem genuinely upset by the prospect.

Well, I am. I'll miss you.

Yeah, me too.

There'll be no one to scare the local kids with when they miss behind.

Don't worry, Tracy. I don't intend to go far.

I've got my eye on the Grange. The Grange? You can afford that?

Well, probably not under normal circumstances. But this couple are so

find a house here, they are willing to pay top valuation for mine.

You lucky cow.

Luck has got nothing to do with it, Sharon. My flair for interior design and

decoration, coupled with exquisite taste, has simply made my home the most

desirable in the close.

In your own humble opinion.

I want to move one day. Me and Daryl are going to get a nice little place in the

country.

And I suppose you'll fall back on the mercy of the council housing system once

your life turns back into a pumpkin.

Any sentence?

Wrong, Princess Charmless.

I've got my own Des Rez above the calf.

Yes, two bedrooms, bathroom, fitted kitchenette.

Really?

Take no notice of her. It's a cold black hole she uses as a storeroom.

Not any more. I've cleared most of the stock out. And I've got the eating

working. Now, that'll make a cozy little palace one day.

You never tell me.

I don't have to tell you everything, Trace. We ain't joined at the hip.

You're not thinking of moving as well, are you? You know I couldn't keep this

place going without what you bring in. Relax, Trace. I know where I'm well off.

At least, dear, I've got her.

Swimming pool, sauna, jacuzzi. Exactly.

Our own gym.

Probably use it.

Use of your car whenever I need to go to Cash and Carrie.

I said no.

I've got a lot of stuff.

I could be in my little flat by Monday. Don't try and blackmail me.

Take my car.

Are you mad?

Brakes dodgy, are they?

Well, two minutes ago we was calling each other names.

Oh, that was just banter. I didn't mean it.

I did.

Do you want it or not? I mean, it doesn't matter. Oh, yeah, yeah, great.

Cheers. Cancel that cab tray.

What are you after?

I want to rent Sharon's flat.

What for?

It's dingy and grimy and above a greasy spoon that's always full of... workmen.

What a trollop you are.

Two, six, eleven.

Sharon, you're back.

How is the cash and carry?

Not now, Dora. I'm in the middle of adding up.

Two, six, eleven... What are you doing?

Waiting. I want to ask you something.

Two, six, eleven, nineteen... It's no good. I can't

concentrate with you sitting there.

Can't it wait?

No. It's important.

If it's about the car, then I'm sorry.

I was forced to park under trees.

I know I should have closed the sunroof, but... I didn't realise sparrows had

that good a name. It's not about the park. No, carry on.

2, 6, 11, 19, 25... £219 .54.

Dorian?

I've added it up for you.

£219 .54. That's the answer.

Are you sure?

I'm married to an accountant. He taught me to add up quickly.

It's no substitute for a sex life, but you have to tell what you can for the

marriage.

Now, can we talk?

Hang on, Jill.

Hello?

Hello, Chris.

What do you want?

These phone cards, they've given them a bloody menace.

A chat?

In prison? What have you got to chat about?

Yeah.

Hang on a sec, Chris. Hang on. There's someone at the door.

Right, fire away.

Well, why not hang up?

Because he'll just ring back.

This way he'll use up his phone card holding on.

Now, it's about your... Ah, ah.

Hang on.

It's about your... Will you please sit down and listen to me?

Now, about your flat.

Aren't you shell?

Do you think I can rent your flat?

Yeah, why not?

starting to strangle you a bit, are they, mate?

Something like that.

You cannot do this to me. I've been nice to you.

What do you want it for, anyway?

I can't talk about it in front of the boy.

The boy?

I'm old enough to know that you only want somewhere to dance a horizontal

We want somewhere to live.

We?

Yeah, me and my friend Kate.

Oh.

Planning a little slow, slow, quick, quick, slow of your own, eh?

Hold on to your liposuction scar, Dorian.

This is going to come as a shock, but it is possible for two people of the

opposite sex to have a purely platonic relationship.

All right, you want to play dirty, let's talk rent.

I will double anything he offers.

Right.

I can't afford much, but I'll pay you back in kind.

I'll help you out in a cap as often as I can.

In kind's nice, Garvey, but it ain't folding.

All right, well, I'll open it up every morning for you and all. Give you an

extra hour in bed.

Done.

price an extra hour in bed, eh?

What am I talking about if you don't know who does?

No hard feelings.

One of that.

Does your mum know you're flying the nest?

You know what she's like.

She still hasn't come to terms with me being out of nappies yet.

I'll wait till she's in a good mood before I break it to her.

After an hour I queued at that check -out, then one of me carrier bags fit, I

got a parking ticket, had a flat tyre that I had to change in the pouring

and on top of that I got raging PMT.

So the last thing you want to hear is that Garth's leaving home.

What?

God, this is hard work.

Yeah, sorry, Kate.

Not quite the little palace my Aunt Sharon made out, is it?

She's always lied to me.

Every Easter egg I got from her was a second.

When I asked her why they was always broken, she said, they must have been

by very tall chickens.

It'll be OK once we've given it a clean.

And an airing.

I feel cold.

This is really great.

I'll say.

Being able to share a flat with a man, knowing that we're just mates.

Very adult of us, isn't it?

I wouldn't feel comfortable with most guys unless there was a lock on the

bedroom door.

Oh, there's no need to worry about that with me.

In fact, you don't even have to worry about locking the bathroom.

There's no way I'd walk in and catch you stepping naked and steaming from the

shower.

I feel better now.

Any time.

I thought this kitchen was supposed to be fitted.

It is fitted.

Only, uh, not to the walls.

When was your last tetanus jab?

Why? One of us has got to clean the oven.

Cough, cough. Get your clothes on, you two. You've got visitors.

Hello, Kate.

Hello, Tressie.

Sitting in all right?

Fine, Mum. Hope you're looking after yourself properly.

Yes, Mum. Got enough clean underwear?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Trace, he's not a baby. He'll always be my baby.

Bet you're not eating properly.

Got you some chicken and some bacon.

Mum, I live above a cafe and I go to catering college.

Food isn't a problem.

Bet you didn't think to get some fruit. Got you some fruit and all in there.

Yes, well, we can never have too much.

Trace, why don't you give him your housewarming present?

Oh, yeah.

What is it? The bathroom set.

A little mat to go by the sink and another one to go round the toilet.

You know, for those accidents little boys have.

It'll look nice. I'll go and put it down.

While we're on the subject of the toilet, Aunty Sharon, when are you going

get us a seat?

Hang on, hang on. I don't think that's down to me.

As the landlord, I provide the basic facilities, but fripperies are down to

tenants. A toilet seat isn't a fripperie. It's bloody cold in there.

Yeah, when's the heating going to come on?

I'm having problems with the boiler. It's not behaving itself.

So you'll get a plumber in there?

No, I'll give it a kick.

Always work with Chris.

What about these boxes of beans? When are they going to be shifted?

Soon, soon.

Just put them in the big bedroom for now.

We can't. The tinned tomatoes are in there.

No, you don't. I'll get it. Tell her about the dripping tap, Kate.

You got water, have you?

I should be charging you more.

Look, Kate, just write down all your little problems, then I'll work out what

needs to be done.

Right, OK.

Oh, there's Garfield behaving himself.

Just let me know if the randy little sod gives you any trouble.

I don't think there's much chance of that with him being gay.

Of course, of course.

For you, it's your mum.

So, what's new, Garth?

Not a lot.

Certainly nothing in here.

Been to the pictures lately?

Bought any new clothes?

Turned gay?

There's only way I could get Kate to move in with me. You devious little sod.

What was you going to do? Turn up in her bedroom one night after a sudden

conversion? Was that the plan?

No.

Well, not plan A.

You put her straight or else you're out on your rear.

Gave you a basin and your toilet bowl a quick once over while I was in there.

Hasn't Kate ever heard of Domestos?

Mum, will you please stop fussing? Well, I don't know why you want to leave home

in the first place.

I mean, you could come and go as you please. I never interfered. I know.

I was very happy at home.

But I'm nearly 20 years old and I'm quite capable of looking after myself.

The time's come when I want to stand on my own two feet. Be independent, OK?

OK.

Do you want me to take you dirty washing home?

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, I thought it was Dorian.

You're disappointed it's me?

I'll take that personally, Trace. I had a visit from that estate agent. That

couple that was going to buy her place have knocked it back.

They went round to view while she was out and told the estate agent it looked

like it'd been decorated by a barmaid who'd won the pools.

You're joking.

No, listen, and they said it was pokey.

She'd die if anyone found out.

And we have.

Good evening.

Can I have a look at your local paper?

I simply must find my own little love nest to rent.

I've been trying to find somewhere to go with my new man, Brian.

He's a relapsed, born -again Christian. And I suddenly realised that I've been

to all the local hotels at least half a dozen times. I mean, it is becoming

embarrassing. Half of them mention me by name in their fire instructions.

What?

You were just wondering what it was called.

What?

The pub you worked in before you had your big winch.

I bet you served a lovely pint of old pokey.

Who told you? That estate agent.

Well, what was he doing here?

Checking out this place.

What for?

If my place wasn't good enough for the tasteless bitch, then... Then what would

she want with a tip like this?

I didn't say that. No, but you were thinking it. Well, you're wrong. He

it could be just the sort of place they're looking for.

Look any thicker door, we'll have to call an ambulance.

No, really, I'm big enough to be happy for you.

Well, it means you can realise your little dream sooner than you thought,

Tracey. Sell us and buy your little place in the country.

No, she can't. Be no good for me.

I've got to be near the cafe now, Trace.

Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

Of course we've got to sell.

You can come and live up here near the prison.

Lovely countryside.

I'm not sure I want to move right now.

Tracey, these people are willing to pay top valuation.

It's a one -off.

It could be years before the market gets back up the level we bought at.

And I don't want to lose money I had to work hard for.

You stole it.

You make it sound so easy.

It weren't just a question of walking into a bank and having it all handed

to me.

I suppose it was, really.

It's still all that to be planned.

You've changed your tune. You used to bore me rigid banging on about your

ass. Now you can't wait to get rid of it.

Oh, well, I'm sorry if I bored you.

If you'd have been born in a poxy prefab like me, I wouldn't have had to keep

on. You'd have understood.

I brought up, Balmoral.

Compared to me?

Aunt Sylvia's flat had a damp patch in every room.

Talk to me about damp.

We longed for a room with a dry patch.

And we had rats.

No, you never had rats.

Apart from your mother.

We had sewer rats in the garden.

I used to pick them off with my air gun.

We knew how to enjoy ourselves then.

Chits today.

Don't know what they're missing stuck in front of their computer screens all day

long. If I'd rather them do that than shoot things with a gun.

Never done me no harm.

You grew up to be an armed robber.

I know why you're so anti. It's that sister of yours.

If she weren't living there, things would be different, wouldn't they?

But Sharon's been good to me. I could never have run that house without her

help. I'd feel like I was abandoning her.

Look, I'm going to be released in the not -too -distant future. She's going to

be out on her ear then anyway.

This way, she'd get a chance to sort herself out before she gets lumbered

Chris again.

You'd be doing her a favour.

And then there's Garthy.

We'd have enough money left over.

to buy him a nice little place of his own.

Now, you'd like to do that for him, wouldn't you? Of course I would.

Well, then.

Here, what's this bird like he's shacked up with?

He's not shacked up with her. They're just friends.

Well, of course she's his friend.

He don't have a regular strump he don't get on with.

It's all right for you. You ain't got to break the news to Sharon.

I don't mind telling her.

In fact, I quite look forward to it.

Mmm.

Done roaming.

What? I think that's what we're called in new plays.

I think I prefer Dan Robin.

What's wrong with Dan and Trace?

We've done that.

I fancy something with a bit more imagination.

Tracendale.

You know what I was doing when I picked a catering student to share with?

My last flatmate was doing pathology. I was never comfortable with a steak and

kidney pie.

Kate, I've got a confession to make.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Something's happened to me.

You've turned me upside down.

What do you mean?

Well, I fancy you, so I don't think I'm gay anymore.

What? But all that pain you went through when you came out.

I've gone back in again.

I'm sorry. I feel as though I've let you down.

No, no.

Don't be silly. I'm glad you feel like that. You see, I found myself wanting

you.

Brilliant. I mean, really?

Shall we go into the bedroom?

We don't want to rush this, do we?

Don't we?

No.

Let's just savour the moment.

All right.

Besides, before we can do anything, we've got six cases of tinned tomatoes

move off the bed.

Save it, Trace. I'm sick of your excuses.

What's this?

Right. Pack your bags, Hansel, and gretel your out.

No, no, please, I shall. Not just now.

Don't blame me. It's your mum's fault.

She's throwing me out because she can set up and go and live in the country.

So I shall be needing this place for myself.

Look, you don't have to move out right away. It might not even happen.

They haven't even looked at the ash yet.

It's all right.

I know where I'm not wanted.

You're out of order doing this, Mum.

Well, it's for the best, Garth. It'll give us money in the bank.

Me and your dad will be able to help you buy a little flat of your own.

Oh, excellent.

this shell.

I bet your Daryl can't believe his luck.

He'd do anything to get me out of his precious house. He's never liked me

there. Why don't you stand up to him, Tracey? You shouldn't let him tell you

what to do.

Are you listening?

I wanted this as much as Daryl.

You care.

You used me.

Oh, don't leave me, shell.

I've got to cope in the place on my own, shell.

And then wallop, have that between the shoulder blades.

Literally, I'm doing you a favour.

Excuse me?

How is throwing me out of a luxury five -bedroomed house into this crap pit

doing me a favour?

Well, hold on, I'm trying to remember.

Oh, yes, that's it. You were going to have to go when the boys get out anyway.

This way, it'll give you a chance to sort yourself out before you've got

under your feet again.

OK, I forget the idea of moving near the prison.

Stay with me. No, no, no. Don't worry about me. You do as you intended.

Like you said, I'll be out of my ear soon anyway.

No, don't worry. I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

Mum, it's too late for Kate to try and get back into the halls of residence.

Is it all right if she comes back and stays with me?

Oh, you've dropped your little pretense now, have you, Garth?

Oh, sorry, Trace.

You didn't know that Garth tricked Kate into moving in here by telling her he

was gay, did you?

What?

Indictive bunch of you women, ain't you?

What happened?

Nothing. What are you expecting to happen? Well, the people who wandered by

house, have they arrived?

Do. And they like it. They like it a lot, actually.

Really? Yes, really.

And they've just gone upstairs for another look.

What are they like?

He's all right. She's a bitch.

Call my china grand vulgar.

Tasteless cow.

So, looks like you will be moving then.

Looks like it.

The end of an era.

We'll keep in touch, Dawn. No, we won't. That's just something people say. We'll

soon forget about each other.

Dorian, I'll never ever forget you.

Thank you.

It already seems strange with Sharon not being here.

How's she getting on at the flat?

Fine. I rung her last night, but I don't think she wanted to talk. She said she

had to go because Badger Watch was coming on.

It's sad.

I will miss you.

You and Sharon know more about me than anyone else in the world, apart from my

gynaecologist.

What does this new guy do?

He's a record producer.

Really?

They have those wonderful house parties in the summer, you know, where the

drinks are served by hunky male models and lots of famous people drop by for a

snort.

That could be just the shot in the arm the social life round here needs, now

that the Rotary Club's given up its bondage nights.

You shouldn't get out of the shock of us leaving.

Rosie! In here.

Hi. We really love the pla... Dominic!

Dodo!

Oh, God.

Is there a man alive who hasn't swept her chimney?

Oh. Um, I live next door.

Not that awful house that looks like it's been decorated by... No, no, no,

no, the other side.

Oh, my God, Angela's upstairs.

What's the matter?

Well, when we had our thing, my wife caught us.

In mid -thing.

Dominic? Are you down there? She's coming. I've got to get out of here.

the kitchen, the kitchen.

What are we going to do?

Calm down, darling. She may not recognise you.

As I remember, it wasn't your face she saw.

Well, Dominic, it's not perfect, but I'm sure we can do something with it.

Oh, so that's why you're the key to move here.

I knew living next door to you would bring the house prices down.

What can I say?

I'm a victim of fate.

There's only one victim here, and you're looking at her. I sense it would be

best if I go.

Either that, or you're dead, dodo.

What is it? A peace offering.

Is it worth three quarters of a million pound?

Well, of course it isn't. Then stick it.

That's what you cost me.

Oh, Tracy, please don't bear a grudge.

I'm Jewish. We don't handle guilt well.

Oh, Dorian, this stuff's really expensive.

£120 an ounce plus that.

But who counts money where friendship's involved?

Hello, Cheryl.

Tracy, got your favourite cakes.

I'm surprised you've got the cheek to show your face around here.

This is Tracy's house.

We have discussed the unfortunate incident and she has forgiven me. No, I

I've taken your perfume, but it'll be months before I'm friends with you

Of course.

Well, I'll just leave you two alone.

Dominic is coming round to have a second look at my bedroom.

Is there anything to buy in your house again?

No, he just wants a second look at my bedroom.

All right if I sit down?

You don't have to ask.

He's only polite when visiting.

Visitors get the biggest cake as well, don't they?

Well, the old place hasn't changed much.

You've only been gone a week.

How are you?

Fine. How's the cafe?

Fine. Business good? Fine.

Everything's fine, except the flat.

Oh.

That's brilliant.

Yes, I've done wonders with it. You wouldn't recognise the place.

You seem disappointed.

Oh, yeah, I am.

Look, I know you probably think it's a cheek, but now the move's off, I was

wondering if you wanted to move back here.

Of course.

I do think it's a cheek.

No, living in the flats.

Brilliant, yeah, you said.

Get another lodger.

No, I don't want some stranger dropping all their dirty underwear everywhere,

leaving a ring around the bath and coming in at all hours drunk as a sack.

was bad enough when I had to pull up with it from my own sister.

Trace, this is a luxury home.

You can attract a top -class punter.

Advertise. And I'm not talking about the newsagent's window above.

Cindy's Home Massage, a nearly new brand for sale.

You know, horse and hounds, country life, that's the sort of market you

be aiming at. What, like a professional type?

Possibly, or someone who owns their own business.

Mind you, you'll have to offer more than just a room.

Breakfast in bed, full laundry service, evening meal, priority use of all

household facilities, like the jacuzzi, TV remote, unlimited use of the drinks

cabinet. I am! going to end up as someone skivvy it's only fair trace

it's their money that's paying for everything okay okay

right i'll have the room then i

accept your terms and conditions and i'm ready to move back in i'm not waiting

on you and what are you up to what about your precious flat trace it's a tip

I wouldn't kennel a dog there.

So Garfield can have it back.

He's a student.

They love living in squalor.

What'll I do when you are gone?