Original subtitles

What will I do when you...

out in that. It's lost its shape at the front and it's coming apart at the back.

That's West End for you.

It's all creased. It ain't even been ironed. Well, that's all right.

Grunge is still okay.

Not in this house, it ain't. I've spent half my life cleaning up other people's

grunge. Now go and find something else. Yeah, but... Look, find something neat

and don't argue. I've got to get this in the oven before Aunty Cheryl comes.

Oh, my God, here she is.

Good evening, Aunty Cheryl. No, it bloody ain't.

It's the same as yesterday evening, only later.

Call that a bus service.

It's inhuman.

I don't know why they just don't crate us all up and post us home.

They pack them in like they do in the third world.

You expect the next one to come along with people sitting on the roof and a

in the back.

I stood all the way from Archway.

What happened to manners, eh?

What happened to the chivalrous male?

Must have caught the tune.

Well, what's wrong with it?

What's wrong with it?

It's not cooked. That's what's wrong with it.

It's seven o 'clock, Trace.

I'm hungry. I'm knackered. I've been on my feet all day.

Slaving over a hot cast.

Yeah, that's right.

Feeding the scum of North London who don't recognise food unless you slap it

a sesame bun. You should hear yourself sometime.

Talk about demanding. You want clean clothes to go out in. You want your

on the table when you come home.

bacon and the spam.

I'm the one out there earning the money while you're sitting here all day.

This is... Oh, so that's what I do all day, is it? I must remember to tell my

feet, only it'll come as a shock to them. They say I've been running up and

stairs all day.

Do you think we've got the only self -cleaning house in Chigwell or

I grass too, you know.

Okay, so I'll get a bit behind now and again.

Who doesn't? Give me a break, will you?

Give you a break?

You're a beautiful aunt.

No, you never.

You never get gloves to fit them.

I can't even get rubber gloves to fit them now.

Go on. Look at them. Look at them. All cut and swollen.

No point in me going to a palm reader.

Me lifeline's been burnt away by chick fat.

That's it all, doesn't it? That cat's killing me.

I don't know what you think, but it ain't exactly a holiday being stuck here

day. Well, it's a holiday compared to what I'm doing.

Oh, really?

Yes. Really?

Right. Well, let's swap.

Eh? Let's swap.

Let's trade places for a week.

You're taking a wop fit. No, I'm not.

I've worked down the calf before.

You don't have to be mastermind to do a fry -up. You can do my work for a week

and I'll do yours.

Are you serious?

Yes. If you think running this place is a holiday, treat yourself. Take a break.

Welcome to Butlins.

I'm on holiday.

What are you eating?

Toast, peanut butter, jam with whipped cream on top.

It's a Chigwell cream tea.

I'm on holiday.

What's with the holiday?

I thought you was doing Mum's job.

I am. Right, well look, tomorrow's Tuesday.

I need all my best whites really pristine.

I know they're washed, they just need ironing.

Not just a quick iron, a really good... Hang on, hang on.

How old are you?

Why?

You don't need a license to drive a steam iron, you know.

You won't get done for underage ironing. Mum always does it. Well, does she?

More fool her.

Look, I thought there was a deal here.

Mum's down the cast slaving away. Saw her.

Passed her at lunchtime.

So? So...

Aren't you supposed to be slaving away here?

No, I... Well, yeah, a bit.

Mind your own, OK?

So, I should be home in a minute. I haven't even got the dinner... Oh, God.

OK?

No. Must be something about that cat.

Starting a steel band or something.

It's all right. You don't have to pretend.

Just make us a cuppa. I'm knackered.

Hard work, isn't it?

It's your feet it gets to.

The steam and the upset I can take.

But being on your feet all day.

See?

See how hard it is?

See what I have to go through?

Is it any wonder I come home every night wanting to murder everybody?

Yeah, well, I ain't come home like that. I'm just tired, that's all.

I'll get used to it in a couple of days.

Well, I can guess there ain't any dinner. So where's that cuppa? And I can

you ain't done any washing up.

And I can smell the bin ain't been emptied. And if you took my dry

It's all right.

It's my first day at all, you know.

I'm just getting into it.

I was having a bit of a breather, OK?

And do you want to know something else?

You've let that cast go, you have.

Go? It was gone when I got it.

Oh, come on, Shell.

You're taking the well down on six months ago.

OK, so the Shamrock Cafe's open now and it's all your Irish trade.

But you can still tempt them back.

you can do specials, free course bargains. You've stopped thinking about

place. I've tried, Trace. Believe me, I've tried.

I've even had pills off Dorian to stop me thinking about the place.

It's a dead horse, Tracey, and I'm sick of flogging it. What happened to your

ambition?

I don't know. I think it dropped behind the back of the cooker and got buried

under the grease.

Hi, you two.

How's the life swap?

Anyone drop dead yet? No one's dropped anything, Zor. That's your job.

That's your Chigwell Queen tea?

I'd rather have a berry and meal.

Now, listen.

I have some wonderful news.

Marcus has got a job canting sheep in Australia.

Oh, that working class wit.

It's a good job I know you, isn't it? Which is why I can say this. I consider

that... In your own way, you have both come of age.

Come of what age?

You've grown up.

Or, in Sharon's case, grown out.

You have been social outcasts for long enough. It is time to step out into

Chigwell society.

I am inviting you to join the tennis club.

But we don't play tennis, though.

Well, neither does anyone else in the club.

No, no, it's social.

You know, a place to meet.

Place to dress up.

In tennis gear.

Well, if you must.

No, but you're missing the point.

I am offering you a golden opportunity to step up the ladder.

You know, to meet new friends.

To enjoy yourselves.

Of course, I wouldn't expect you to come very often.

Well, hardly at all. I mean, how could you? You don't have the clothes.

And there are certain unwritten club rules.

People wearing the same outfit twice have been asked to leave.

You can't wear the same thing more than twice.

I'd only be able to go four times.

That's all. How come you want to stand there? You've spent years trying to keep

us away.

Well, as I just said, you've grown up.

And as I think I also said, you don't have to come very often.

No, no.

Just to meetings.

And to vote.

Vote for who?

Well... Me, of course.

But I'm your friend. I mean, who else would you vote for?

I mean, it was me who invited you to join.

I see.

Used again.

Only want us for our vote.

Please.

Melanie Fishman has had a stranglehold on that committee for years. Now the

chair becomes vacant next week and Melanie Fishman must not get her bum on

I need... your votes. I will buy them if necessary. I don't care.

Politics is a dirty game.

I should suit you down to the ground.

I have to fight her. The only other candidate is the vicar's wife.

Now, personally, I can't see her winning. The wife -swapping section are

against her.

But we dare to take the risk.

A vicar's wife would bring the club to its knees.

Now, I have no option but to throw my cap into the arena.

Careful, door.

You could find yourself in a different club.

Typical. I should have known I was wasting my time trying to improve your

little lot. It's like trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's backside.

No dragging you two out of the gutter, is there?

Well, I hope you rot in your shell suit.

Right, one piece to a dumpling.

Ready, Brenda.

There you go. Hello.

See, I told you. I've got a dozen of the Irish days back already.

All it takes is a bit of effort.

A bit generous with the butter, aren't we?

You'll be giving them all cardiacs.

And go easy with the instant mash. That's just gone up.

And all the sugar bowls are half empty.

And how are we doing with the washing up? Can we see out the kitchen window

And did you remember to put the bins out? Only it's Wednesday.

Have you done the shopping? Have you picked the laundry up? Did you take the

video back? It's all right, all right.

I need to be critical. I was just passing.

Yes, well, can't stop. I'm busy.

One creme brulee, one lemon sorbet, Dominic.

Over here, love.

Sorbet? How much that set me back.

Oh,

hello, lady.

Don't think I've seen you in here before.

No, no, we've been kept away from this place.

It's had a reputation for being a bit miserable.

Oh, really?

But our friend came here and said it's a different place now that that one's

gone.

Any of them mine?

Hang on.

Nope. Well, why not?

I've got loads of dirty stuff.

Well, lucky you.

You can have a dirty stuff party.

Look, if you think I'm crawling across your bedroom floor like Tracy does,

sorting out which item smells the worst, you can forget it.

You're going to turn out just like Chris, you will.

If he comes out after eight years inside, I can pick up his wire fronts as

quickly as he dropped them. I shall consider him rehabilitated.

Oh, God.

Hello, Mum.

What sort of day did you have? Shut up.

Oh, that's all.

I've been here before.

That was hell on wheels, that was.

Have you seen those new traffic lights?

Red for stop, green for go, amber for caution, and all black for goodnight,

suckers, sort yourselves out.

And Aaron... quarters across the North Circular. You can cross the channel

quicker.

Pathetic. A Labrador could have sorted out that traffic. And what do we get? A

police special.

And why do they call them specials? There's nothing special about them.

specials are thicker than the oldenries.

Dying to get to you, is it?

Life in the real world giving you the ump.

Winding you up. Yeah. Well, you know what winds me up the most?

What? You.

Okay, so I'm having a moan. But at least I've done something this week.

I mean, what have you done that's useful?

So full of how easy my job is, then how come you haven't done it?

I will.

When?

Tomorrow.

I will, honest.

That was the plan all along, Trace. Let it man up, then have a blip.

Honest.

Just make us a cuppa. All right.

All right.

I'll just pop out and get some tea bags, eh? What?

I've been doing the washing, haven't I?

All right, I'll have coffee.

Right.

I'll get some of that and all, shall I?

All right.

I'll settle for a glass of water. Less if we've still got some water.

You did post the water bill.

I don't believe it! Oh, calm down, you're overreacting.

Have a nice glass of milk, it's better for you anyway.

You wanted to get your own back, so you thought up this devious little ruse to

frighten me.

Scare me rigid, in fact.

Well... It worked, yes.

Good joke.

It was you, wasn't it?

Tell me it was.

Tell me it was a joke!

Tell me, quick!

What are you on about?

Oh, my God, it's real.

What is this?

Dear Dorian, the Trollope Green.

Not from a stranger, then.

Women like you think you're so clever, leading husbands astray and running

around with dirty young men.

But you're numbers up, you tart.

The lid is about to be torn off your sleazy can of worms.

I have the photographs and I will use them.

Use them for what?

Well, I don't know what you use dirty pictures for, do I?

To blackmail me.

To sully my good name.

Pass around the wine bar and have a good laugh.

But who would do this?

Who would do such a spiteful and vindictive thing?

In our experience, half a chick will.

That's what comes of having a dodgy past, Dore.

Dodgy? How dare you?

Nothing of mine is dodgy.

Oh, come on, Dore.

There's so many skeletons in your cupboard, I'm surprised the council

you for overcrowding.

Rose will act, Dore. Careful all your chickens don't come home to Rose.

Make a right mess of your carpet.

Oh, other people's problems really amuse you, don't they?

Yeah. Yours crackers up.

It's like talking to delinquent children.

My reputation is on the line here.

One thing's for certain, I'll never dare show my face at the tennis club with

this hanging over me.

Maybe I'll never be able to go back there.

Maybe I won't be able to live in my Chigwell anymore.

We'll be banished from Eden.

There'll be a big splash in the Sunday sport and then we'll have to move to

Romford where we fit in.

Now you know how we felt when we got all those accusing letters.

We didn't get much support from you, did we?

You just called a neighbourhood watch meeting and sided with them.

That's a good idea.

We could get all the neighbours round to discuss Dorian's private life.

Yeah, a sort of neighbourhood crotch meeting.

Oh, come on.

Laugh. Kick her woman when she's down.

Will you dance on my grave as well?

Only there's a live band.

That end of the week feeling.

Did you have that blitz?

And how do you feel?

Blitzed.

Make us a cup.

I see.

So by changing the menu, doing four extra specials, buying in all the little

extras and putting in a load of extra work, you have increased the week's

by an earth -shattering 36 pounds and 40p.

Quick, open a tax loss down the road.

Well, it would have been more, but I think I gave someone a change of 20

of 10.

Well, I did.

Twice.

Or it could have been three times.

It wasn't the same person, though.

Oh, good.

I'd hate to think I was paying someone a living wage just for eating here.

It's all right, Trace, it happens.

Thanks for being so understanding, Cheryl.

Anyway, what brings you down here at this time of the day?

I had to get out of the house.

That bad, eh?

The kettle forgot to switch off and the place filled up with steam.

Then the washing machine broke down.

Don't worry, Shell.

One of them things. It happens.

Now the kitchen's under three inches of water.

Thanks for being so understanding, Trace.

Oh, the bit of luck this should be dry by the morning.

I thought it could handle two vines.

Not three at once.

Oh, it's settled then.

You're back here, and I'm back at the cafe.

I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it? Stick to what we're best at, eh?

Actually, look how better at doing the cafe than doing the house.

No, Trace, no.

I think you're brilliant at doing the house, honest.

I'd forgotten just how much hard work it is.

It's been a good reminder to me. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate it. It's all

right. Same with the cafe, really. One week a bit's enough.

I don't know how you do it week after week.

Oh,

everything's back to normal, then.

Well, no, not quite, Garth.

You've pointed a few things out about the cast, Trace. Can I point some things

out about here?

Half your work is clearing up after him, and you don't appreciate it. Of course

I do.

Of course he does.

It's not as if he can't do these things himself. I mean, he did them at boarding

school. Since he's been home, you've spoiled him rotten.

I know.

I'm telling you, Trace, you're making him dependent on you.

Forty -five and married, he'll still be coming round here with his socks for you

to wash.

Ah.

All right then, Dore.

Bye.

That was Doreen. She doesn't have a letter. I told her to come round.

Yeah? She sounded really lonely and depressed.

Well, there you go. Tell her to find the Samaritans. Come on. Remember how we

felt when we got all those accusing letters?

Yeah. And what good was she?

But as much use as a soluble life belt.

Well, I said you'd be nice to her, so be nice to her.

Gosh! Who's that standing there?

Isn't it amazing how dark glasses make people look totally unrecognisable?

Don't you be so facetious, Sharon.

You said you'd be nice.

I need you to be nice.

And supportive.

And loyal. And wonderful.

What, like you was when we... Sorry.

I can't see the drink door.

Come on, Dawn. Tell us about this other letter.

Well, it arrived three days ago.

Apparently, sleazy and compromising photographs have been distributed to the

population.

What, all of them?

We ain't got ours.

For three days, I've been hiding, scared to see a soul in case they know,

wondering what they've seen.

I mean, should I plead and stake an identity? It's not me. It's my stunt

I wouldn't worry, Dor. They wouldn't recognise you with your clothes on.

Yeah. With your clothes on, you look much younger.

Yes, but we don't know how old the photographs are.

I mean, they could be blue photos from my youth.

No, they didn't have blue photos in those days.

They were all sepia.

Be nice, Sharon. You said you'd... It's all right. It's all right. I didn't mean

it.

Look, don't you think we're getting a bit carried away here?

These photos could be a load of cobblers.

They are. That's the problem.

No, I mean, do they even exist?

I mean, have you seen one? Did they send you one?

No.

Oh, there you go.

It could be a wind -up, someone trying to scare you.

Yes, but who would do that? Who would stoop that low?

Got it.

Madame, in a crime as diabolical as this...

We have to examine the motivation of all concerned.

Oh, for God's sake, woman, cut the Italian and get to the point.

You don't have to be Poirot to work it out. Think about it.

If you hadn't been in hiding all this week, where would you be?

Down the tennis club, fighting the election.

Who wants you out of the way and on the defensive?

Of course.

Melanie Fishman.

She wouldn't. She would?

It's the politics of sleaze, doll.

She's trying to paint you as another Hillary Clinton. You're right.

With me out of the way, it's a straight fight between her and the vicar's wife.

No contest.

Melanie wins and has the committee in her handbag.

Well, you can't let her get away with it, doll. What are you going to do?

Do? Well, what does anyone do in a crisis? If you can't do it, have a

breakdown.

Confront her, doll.

I would.

Get your bottle out and get round there, girl.

confront Melanie Fishman.

But nobody has ever... I mean, well, it's a bit rash, isn't it?

I mean, all right, so she's making my life a misery. I mean, keeping me

keeping me in a prison in my own house, driving me to contemplate suicide, but,

well, there's no need to make a scene, is there?

Bottle, door, bottle.

You know her?

There must be some dirt on her you can use.

Years of it.

The German tennis coach, the Italian tennis coach.

Melanie Fishman has the keys to the men's shower room.

Melanie, love all Fishman, has been the first prize in the last three

tournaments. Well, then, use it, doll. That's what she's doing.

Yes, but it can't come from me.

You know, not directly.

But if you went round as a third party... Oh, yeah, do you mean?

Third party. As in third party, fire and fest.

Oh, you want me to go round there?

Nick what I can and set fire to the rest.

No. The plan is, you go round there first thing in the morning and you put

her thus.

Eh? How do I do that?

And you put it to her as an interested third party that unless these threats

accusations desist or stop... Desist,

stop. It means the same.

Yeah, I know that. But I wouldn't say desist.

She wouldn't, door. She never says desist.

I might say cease.

When have you ever said cease?

Unless these threats and accusations stop, and unless these photographs,

couldn't possibly exist, are handed back immediately, or are acknowledged not to

exist in writing, and... Door, door.

Just give us the dirt and leave the rest to me.

For the best mum in the world on Mother's Day.

We're in July now, silly sod.

It's not the van leaving. What's with the flowers?

I'm Garfield. Listen to this.

You're a mum in a million, the real family treasure, from the tips of your

to your locks.

There's no one above you, and to show that I love you, if you do my wife

I'll do my stock.

I'll go nine in my shirt.

Sharon, you're back.

Flowers.

Brilliant. She's apologised.

a cheque in there? Well, if there is, it's mine.

So, what happened?

Did you pull it off?

Did you beat her down? Did you rough her up?

Did she admit it?

No.

Why not?

She weren't in.

So, what did you do?

Not a lot, Dawn.

You can't get heavy with someone that ain't even there.

What was I supposed to do?

Yell through the cat flap and persuade her moggy to go upstairs and pee on her

duvet.

Melanie Fishman does not have a cat.

Just a cat flap.

She had it fitted so they'd think she was an animal lover.

But I did my bit. She wasn't in.

She wasn't in for the simple reason she was round here.

Eh?

What was she doing round here?

Drinking tea.

We've got some now.

Melanie Fishman. Here.

In this very room.

She's bugged the place.

She must have.

More dirty politics.

Don't anyone speak.

At this very moment, she could be listening to everything we say. It could

used against us. Tracy, don't say a word. Not a single word.

Sharon, don't say a word.

Not a single... You're the only one rabbiting on.

What did she want?

She wanted a word with me and you.

A word?

With you two? What word was that? What word? Does Melanie Fishman know that you

know?

Apparently, she's been getting these threatening letters.

She has?

Says she wants you to stop sending them, Dor. Says she knows there's no

photographs, but she wants them back anyway.

I felt really sorry for her. She was well rattled. She's been in all week

from the world.

So Melanie is a victim as well, but who is doing this?

The person with the most to gain.

I think you've been given a lesson in dirty politics, Dor.

That's right.

Didn't you hear the result of the tennis club elections?

Games, set and match. to the vicar's wife.

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do?

The saga of Seaforth continues in a few moments.

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