Original subtitles

Blimey, Trace, what a day.

Don't tell me. The deep fat fryer went on the blink, the customers were lippy

and the gas ball cut you off.

Brilliant. I did 35 extra dinners because a coachload of American tourists

down on the way from Marble Arch to Stratford -on -Avon.

Palmer's Green isn't on the way from Marble Arch to Stratford -on -Avon.

It is if you bung the coach driver 20 quid.

Well, a bloke come in selling this, I thought, here.

Just the thing for my place.

Perfect goods.

Not proper anything.

Oh, thanks, child.

You see, shove your mushing there, right? Then your pores open, all your

blackheads drop out.

I know how it works.

The one I got you two Christmases ago.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

I don't think that one ever worked properly.

That's because you never got around to putting a plug on it, you lazy cow.

Honestly, Shell, as soon as you've got a few bob in your purse, you can't wait

to rush out and spend it on some old rubbish you don't even need.

I like having a bit of spending money.

Gives me that feel -good factor.

Yeah, well, you want to watch you don't turn into one of them shopaholics.

You what?

There was this thing on Anna Nick about it.

You want to watch you go turn into one of those daytime TV -aholics.

That can't be a fine thing.

You don't seem to do nothing else.

Huh? And I suppose it's as clean as itself, does it?

You know what I mean.

While I'm slaving over a hot moussaka... Well, Luke Wong, yes, well, and it's

happening, I am on the brink of a new career myself.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, follow me.

Here you are.

Shape the thing... What

is it?

Can you get BBC Two on that?

It's a knitting machine, of course.

Of course?

What for?

Well, I was going to make some spaghetti on it.

Or I could try knitting with it.

How much did it cost?

Oh, I got a terrific discount.

So, weren't cheap then.

Plus six months interest -free credit.

We're talking arm and leg here, are we? It was only £700, give or take.

Give or take what?

A thousand quid?

A thousand quid for a knitting machine?

Trace, you can buy Giles Brandry for a thousand quid.

Mind you, you'd have to put up with him grinning away inanely all over your

sofa.

And you bollock me over a face steamer.

Yes, well, this is different. This will pay for itself.

What, got a post office savings book, has it?

You know what I mean.

By making and selling my own exclusive one -off knitwear designs, I can recover

my outlay in no time.

Only if you knit yourself a balaclava and hold up the Bradford and Beely.

That's not funny.

Trace, I've seen you knit, remember?

You made Daryl the only tank top that had room for a gun turret.

I should have seen their faces.

This bloke walked in and he said, is this Anne Hathaway's cottage?

And I said, no, but today's special is Anne Hathaway's cottage pie.

They all paid dinner for dinner, and they all tipped. I tell you, if you can

your cousin Apollo to divert a few more tourist coaches, then Green Lanes will

be made.

Yeah, great.

I'll put your half in your account and the TSB, OK?

That way you can experience the unique sensation of demanding money without

menaces.

Lovely.

Oh, for God's sake, Chris, cheer up.

Where's that happy, vacuous expression we all know and despise?

You've forgotten, haven't you?

Obviously. Forgotten what?

What day is it today?

29th, sir.

My birthday.

Is that all you can say? Oh, so it is.

Do you know what it's like when no one remembers your birthday? No card, no

present, no suggestion. Your other half even gets a toss.

Strangely enough, Chris, I can relate to that.

Because my last birthday, before you went down, in the criminal justice

spent on my own. While you were somewhere in Epping Forest, practising

aerobics with that cashier from Do It All.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I remember.

Stephanie. Oh, and she did too.

What? Do It All.

Maybe she's got you a birthday present, aye?

Nah, she don't know I'm in here.

Anyway, that was just, you know, physical.

Hey, and I'll let you into a secret.

You know, when I used to go with them other birds, I was always thinking of

Really? Yeah, because it made it laugh longer.

Lovely. See you next year, Chris. Oh, come on, Sharon. I'm only trying to

myself up. Sharon.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear loser.

Go on, go on. Make a wish. Sharon,

please. Not today.

God.

Right, Chris.

Right.

Next visit, I'll bring you a present, all right?

Yeah.

Now, what's the matter?

Well, it won't be a surprise, will it?

How many sausages?

What?

Well, we've only got five and I want three.

I don't care, stupid machine.

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, that's nice.

What is it, a dishcloth?

I'm going

to

send it back.

They said I could send it back within the first seven days.

Why? You're doing great.

It's a waistcoat.

Eh? It's not a dishcloth, it's a waistcoat.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, only... Only what?

Nothing. Only it ain't got any armholes.

No, hasn't it? Look, I know it's crap, Sharon.

It's early days, Trace. Why are you being so encouraging all of a sudden?

I want you to succeed.

I want you to feel...

I want you to knit a sweater for Chris.

You really hate him, don't you?

I promised him a present, but he said it wouldn't be a surprise, so I thought...

And you thought it will be a trace in it.

Here, Sal.

Smell this wine.

Smells all right to me.

Maybe we've got a gas leak.

Excuse me. You do have company. Don't ignore it.

She's real.

Looks like it.

I take it this little tableau is your way of noting that I have been shopping

at... Asda.

Now you come to mention it. Well, I was just browsing and I noticed a really

quite acceptable tracksuit.

So... I bought it.

Dorian? Yes, well, I couldn't decide which colour.

These are all size 18.

Yes, I know. I thought it said size 8.

I had my Izzy Mayarki sunglasses on.

In case someone recognised you.

So, when I got home and realised they were just a tad on the large side, I

thought, well, who's the biggest person I know?

Oh, cheers, doll.

between a girl and four new tracksuits.

It was hardly worth going all that way back just for £100.

No, don't write it, ain't.

So, how's the knitting going, Tracy?

A bit slow.

It's a bit trickier than I thought.

Getting better, though, ain't you? Look, she made this today.

Oh!

A dishcloth.

What am I meant to do with...

53 portions of raw tuna sashimi.

Eh?

I've got in all this Japanese food for one of Apollo's coach parties, but they

never turned up.

I bet Chris put the bock on it, cos I forgot his birthday.

Well, do what you normally do with all your leftovers.

Cover them in batter and stick them in the mixed grill.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

So, Dorian been round, any more freebies for us? You know, a car or a world

cruise or a Chippendale she bought on impulse and don't want no more?

No, but this came today.

A wedding invite.

Who do we know that's getting married?

Estelle Capper.

She?

Dorian's mum.

Oh, well.

That's what I've always said, isn't it?

Dorian really is a bum. Sharon!

Nice of her to invite us, though, aye?

Do you reckon that's why Dorian's been so happy and generous lately?

You think she's happy, do you?

Yeah, why, don't you?

So you think her behaviour is normal?

No, I didn't say that.

When's her behaviour ever been normal?

I mean normal for her. All this shopping down market and giving all the gear to

us. It smacks of that shopaholism.

Well, don't start all that again.

Well, it does.

This expert they had on was saying that once the addiction gets out of hand, it

doesn't really matter where you shop or what you buy. It's the actual process of

shopping that makes you feel good. You might not even want the stuff when you

get it home.

Well, I don't see it as a problem.

As long as she can pay her bills and keeps buying stuff in my size.

Don't tell us. You were just passing this shoe shop and you had this

irresistible impulse to go in and buy all the left shoes on the display.

Half right, Tracy.

You know, I had no idea you can buy really quite acceptable shoes for less

£200.

Right, one long voyage of discovery for you, isn't it all?

These are all size 4s.

Yes, well, I am size five.

Me too.

I'm a six and a half.

Wide -fitting.

All right, fair.

They're lovely shoes, though. Wish you well to wear them.

No, no, I want you to have them.

I?

Well, if I went out with Melanie Fishman and she caught a glimpse of a

composition soul, my life would not be worth living.

Maybe I could change a couple of pairs for my size. I know one of the sales

girls. Oh, thanks, Dore. They're lovely.

Those are really nice for that cream two -piece I've got. Maybe I could wear

them to your mum's wedding.

What?

Oh, come on, Dore.

Don't tell us you didn't know she was getting married.

Well, of course I knew.

She's been speaking about nothing else for weeks.

But I didn't think she was inviting all and sundry.

Thanks a bunch.

No, no, I didn't mean... I thought.

I hoped.

she would have a very discreet little ceremony, preferably in the Orkney and

Shetland Islands, followed by a very small reception with no family or

So you're pleased for her, then?

She can do what she likes.

She's a mature adult.

If she thinks a woman of 68 can marry a man of 55 without seeming ridiculous,

then good luck to her.

So toy boys run in your family, do they?

She had a boyfriend, let alone they were serious.

Did they?

Sure. I'll tell you what I think, Dorian.

You're in a bad way because your mum's remarrying and you can't cope with it,

you've become a manic shopaholic in a classic case of denial.

No, I haven't.

Sounds like denial to me.

Oh, thank you, Sharon. That's very rich, coming from the woman that thinks

denial is a river that runs past a pyramid.

Right, then you should sit down and tell us what you think. bugging you

nothing is bugging me all right

come on Dorian green shopping so compulsively she goes into chain stores

you can't pull the acrylic fiber over our eyes it's normal to feel a bit iffy

a parent remarries how can she even think about replacing my father she's

trying to replace him necessarily

you on. You never met my father. He was a very good man. Honest, caring,

faithful.

So how come you turned out... Sharon, shut this.

Now she's met Stuart. It's Stuart this.

Stuart that.

She's even given him my father's watch.

Well, that's not so bad.

Unless he was buried with it.

So you don't like this Stuart, then?

I don't know. Never met him.

What?

Well, she keeps trying to introduce us, but I can't face it.

Suppose he wants me to call him Daddy.

That's hardly likely, doll. You can't be that much younger than him.

If I had a sister, she'd understand. But no, my mother didn't want any more

children. That's it, she said to my father. We've got one of each. I'm

up the drawbridge.

But you refuse to have any kids at all.

talking about me. We're talking about my mother.

Well, at least you two have got each other to confide in.

Never thought I'd say this, but I envy you.

You can confide in us two. We're your friends.

Yeah.

Look, if it helps, you can look on us two as your sisters.

I don't think that does help, actually.

Have you told Marcus how you feel? Oh, you're joking.

Anyways, in Hong Kong, trying to sort out Chris Patton's P -A -Y -E.

Well, why don't you stay with us for a few days? You know, talk it through,

your soul, come to terms with it.

Tracy, where do you get all this pseudo -psychological mumbo -jumbo?

I'm listening to you, Dore.

Oh.

So, what do you say?

It's very kind of you, if you're sure.

I'll just go home and put a few things in a bag.

No need.

We can feed you here.

What does it actually do?

Doesn't matter. I'll take it anyway. Does it come in any other colours?

So if you could just tally everything up.

Corian, what do you think you're doing?

What do you mean?

I just remembered a couple of screws at home that had come a bit loose. Not only

at home.

I've always had a secret desire to put up shelves in the airing cupboard.

Come on.

They don't make a vibrating head for that cordless drill, do they?

It's just like being an alky or a drug addict.

You have to stand up and say, my name is Dorian Green and I'm a shopaholic.

All I can say is a hat.

Go on then.

My name is Dorian Green and I'm a shopaholic.

But do you mean it? Well, of course I mean it.

How can I go? It's late night shopping.

I think we'll have to confiscate her credit cards, Trace. What, so you can

out and buy that divine purple anorak I saw in Millett's sale? Forget it.

Maybe it's just not possible to cure such a serious addiction in one short

weekend.

Maybe we should try and wean you off at Gradual Door. You know, let you buy one

thing a day, maybe.

Yes, that's a good idea.

Have you still got that sweater that the buyer from Grey's likes so much?

Grey's South Moulton Street?

Yeah. They're going to buy your knitwear?

Yeah. She reckons my homespun alpaca look was going to be the thing for next

spring.

Can I see it?

I'll get it.

How much?

Well, she said she's going to give me 50 quid for it. And sell it for 250. I

will pay the full retail price.

Of course, they will put the Grey's label in it.

Here.

Can I try some?

Yes.

Fantastic.

The news night is just starting, one of them. I thought tonight we had a small

-bore rifle shooting.

Oh, great, they're going to shoot Paul Daniels.

What's on ITV?

Oh, no, you can't watch an advert in your present condition.

Could always play a ball game, I suppose.

How about Monopoly? You could buy lots of houses and hotels and I could pay you

enormous amounts of rent. I don't think so, Dorian.

Thank you, video.

It's a bit light. It's half past ten.

Half past ten?

Think I'll turn in.

Turn in for what?

I'll just keep reminding myself that you have a heart of gold inside all that

blubber.

I think I'll go out the know. I'm knackered with all this knitting.

OK, I'll look up.

275 kroner, altså.

Kjempebillig for no sånn, synes du ikke det?

Dette er uten tvil kjøkkenredskapet du ikke kan klare deg uten.

Only 275 crores.

What a bargain.

Where's the phone?

Call Josh.

Looking for that folksy, was you?

Channel 7A usually has a good one.

What's that?

It's a brilliant little kitchen implement that not only slices and

sharpens and opens, makes patterns on pastry, turns leftovers into a feast.

Trice! I need you!

It's going to be a lovely night.

Get off my back, will you, Sharon?

It's not a problem. I can afford it.

And I end up giving most of the things I buy to you anyway.

What's the point, Dor?

I don't like to see you making a fool of yourself.

Well, that's not quite true.

What? I just caught Madam here trying to buy some kitchen gizmo off the telly.

Why? You don't cook.

Who even ever markets his brown flakes?

Catered.

If you want to go somewhere different for your holidays, you should try your

kitchen. I thought you were trying to boost my self -esteem.

Sorry. I'll go a bit.

Look, the thing is, though, I can't figure out why your mum getting married

should make you feel so bad.

I know it shouldn't.

And then I feel bad about feeling bad.

There are people in the world much worse off than you, you know.

Thank you, Sharon. More guilt. Anything else?

Well, yes. There is one thing.

I mean, are you really... upset that your mum's trying to replace your dad

a new model? Well, wouldn't you be?

Or is it that you can't take the idea of her having a good relationship with

someone while all your relationships turn to dung?

Well, it's her fault I can't have a good relationship. She forced me to marry

Marcus because he came from a wealthy family.

I wanted to travel, to live, to run free and barefoot.

Through the salt sea spray on an exotic beach.

To fall in love with a penniless musician.

And survive hand to mouth warmed only by the glow of our love.

Bullshit.

We can all dream, can't we?

At night, in bed.

I dream of having Daryl home.

And I dream of him losing the keys to Chris's cell.

But you've got to live life in the real world. Deal with it.

Not run away into some fantasy world of shopping.

Maybe if you met Stuart, you could get it into more propulsion.

I can't.

Well, you have to meet him at the wedding.

I'm not going.

What?

You're not going to your own mum's wedding?

Who doesn't go to their own mum's wedding?

Most people in flight society.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean... But you'll have to go, Dory. It'll break her heart.

My mother's heart is made of much harder stuff than you imagine.

You don't mean that. I do.

I hate her.

It's a shame.

Because you could have bought them a really expensive present.

Stop trying to confuse me.

Hello? Mrs Kappa?

Sorry to ring so late.

Sit.

Hello, it's Tracy Stubbs.

Dorian's neighbour.

No, we're not up late because we're about to go out to cat burgling.

Dorian, what have you told her?

Oh, it was a joke.

Oh, right.

Anyway, we'd love to come to your wedding, but the reason I'm ringing is

got Dorian here and she's dying to speak to you. No!

Don't be so pathetic.

If you don't speak to her, you'll never see your credit cards alive again.

Hello, Mummy.

Yes, how are you?

I was just saying to Tracy, I really must get to meet the steward.

And tonight, Dorian's going out with her mum and her mum's fiancé to some posh

restaurant up the West End.

Champagne, smoked salmon, roast fizzing. That's right, go and rub it in.

Do you know what I had for dinner today?

What? I don't know, it was brown and runny.

Like Linford Christie.

You know, we did the survey.

30 % thought it was mint, right?

20 % thought it was beans, and the rest thought it was chocolate blanc -mange.

God, I hate it in here.

It's worse for the others.

Why? They've got to look at you all day.

Saved by the bell.

Oh, great.

So that's it, is it?

Oh, yeah, it's got your birthday present.

What? You got me something?

Yes.

Hey, you made me suffer for a whole hour first, though, didn't you? Yeah, well,

that way we both get some pleasure out of the visit, eh?

I'll put it on. Yes.

Thanks,

darling.

It's not that bad.

It was me nagging you to finish Chris's sweater that gave you the injury in the

first place. No, there was this thing on Anne and Nick about RSI.

It's a typing exam, isn't it?

Repetitive strain injury.

People get it who have to do jobs involving hundreds of small identical

movements a minute.

I've heard of that.

Chris was always getting it in his wrist.

Suppose that puts the kibosh on me knitting.

You could always sell the machine to Dorian.

Yeah, well, that depends on how she's gone at lunch.

Maybe she's cured.

Maybe she ain't.

Even you, Sharon, with your deep wellspring of working -class cynicism,

gobsmacked.

Dorian, it's gorgeous.

Damn right it's gorgeous.

If £5 ,000 worth of hearty original doesn't shriek gorgeousness, then what

its function?

Five. 5 ,000 quid? Yes, well, I didn't actually pay 5 ,000 for it. Oh, my God,

she's nicked it.

I hired it for the wedding.

You can only wear a dress like this once.

So why buy it when you can hire it for a mere 500?

You give the word mere a whole new meaning, you know.

So I take it the lunch went well?

It went very well.

And you met Stuart, your new stepdaddy? It's all right, Sharon.

I'm fine.

What was he like?

Tall, good -looking in a craggy sort of way, full head of hair going

interestingly grey at the temple.

Sounds like you fancy him yourself, Tor.

Well, let's just say he's the sort of man that, had I bumped into him last

in the jacuzzi at the health farm, would have appealed to me.

So you're not jealous of your mum landing him instead of you?

No.

Because when I did bump into him last year in the jacuzzi at the health

Let's just say I have no trouble distinguishing him from the loofer.

What'll I do when you are... Starting in a moment on BBC

One, a major new drama and powerful love story set in the war -torn northern

town of Seaforth.

What'll I do when I'm alone with

only dreams?

That won't come true.

What will I do?