All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s06e03 First Time Caller

I do when you are by my side.

So, Stephen told me to lie down on my
back and close my eyes.

Oh, yeah.

And then he asked all the others to
gather round and watch.

It's gone a bit far, hasn't it?

Tracy, if you are going to learn how to
do first aid properly, you have to watch

the experts at work.

Stephen may be watching do it to three
different women last week.

Face me while you're doing this, Colt.

Well, yes, it would, wouldn't it?

You're a stranger to altruism.

Hello.

No, altruism is not a name. It means
concern for others.

So I want to do something worthwhile,
something of real benefit for community.

I want to be useful.

I want to give something back to the
world.

You want to do mouth -to -mouth
resuscitation with Stephen?

Well, that's just a perk.

All right, I admit it. I was bored, so I
went along to the evening institute and

I just looked for the most handsome
instructor.

Now, there's a surprise.

So I paid my money and ten minutes later
my legs were strapped together.

No, he was doing football injuries.

That'll come in handy at the Harrods
sale.

Yes, you're right. Last year there was a
bit of a scrum around the Royal Dalton.

So what's he like, this Stephen?

Well, he's 28, six foot one and a half,
piercing blue eyes, auburn hair,

beautifully manicured nails and there
was a wonderful little dimple just here

the smile.

Not that you've taken much notice of
him.

All right, I admit my reason for doing
the course might not be the purest, but

since I have joined, I have learned how
to help someone who has nearly drowned,

been injured in a road traffic accident,
suffered a severe electrical shock.

It would have been better off lying in
bed.

And I could recognise a cardiac arrest
if I saw one. Yeah, well, you've

caused a few in your time.

In fact, we could be witnessing one now.

Flipping pensioners' breakfasts.

I was still serving them at half four.

I mean, what is the matter with old
people?

They don't get up till the middle of the
afternoon and then they eat like

gannets.

You know, I had the Lower Edmonton Derby
and Joan Club come in at three o 'clock

demanding breakfast for 27 people.

I mean, what time did they have their
tea?

Still see fried eggs.

You sound dressed.

Very astute, Dor. Well spotted.

I'm ready to pass out.

Yeah, well, you better not. Unless you
want Florence Nightingale here attaching

jump leads to your boots.

Dorian's doing a first aid course.

Watch out, Virginia Bottom, ladies.

mock in your mindless, knee -jerk, sun
-reading way, but at least I'm doing

something to serve the community. Can
you say that?

I serve the community.

I serve them breakfast.

All flipping day.

Well, it's hardly the same, is it? I am
talking literally about matters of life

and death.

Oi, don't knock what I do.

I'm a lifeline for some of those
pensioners.

I'll give them somewhere warm where they
can sit and chat with their mates.

And I provide a square mil at a price
they can afford. Oh, and I'm sure

nothing in it for you, is there, Sharon?

I'm still doing my bit.

I mean, we all try and do our bit, don't
we?

Don't we, Trace?

And what exactly do you do, Tracey?

They've got no right going on at you
like that.

It wasn't what they said. It's what they
didn't say.

They made me feel like I was useless.

Like I was just sitting round on my bum
doing nothing.

What were you doing?

Just sitting round.

On your bum?

Doing nothing.

Made me feel like a spare priest at a
wedding.

Well, cheer up, sugar, because you might
not be going spare much longer.

What do you mean?

They're going ahead with my home leave
assessment.

Really? Yeah. I mean, would I joke about
something like that?

Oh, brilliant. So you might be coming
home for a bit?

Well, here's hoping.

Listen, they want to send someone round
first, a probation officer sort of

thing. What, to check on me and the
house and that? Exactly.

They've got to make sure that I'm going
to a decent home with a respectable

wife. So make sure you're not just
sitting about on your bum doing nothing,

I won't, Dave. Oh, that's really cheered
me up. Give me something to look

forward to. I won't let you down.
They'll be really impressed.

Whatever I have to do, I'll do.

I'll tell you something you can do.
What?

Make sure Sharon is out of the way. I
don't want that stroppy cow fouling

up for me.

us girls, but the important thing is
we've got to stick together.

Because I'm a single parent family now.
I've got to bring up my son on my own,

and that's hard.

You're telling me.

And I can't take criticism anymore.

I just feel so vulnerable.

It's like I've had my shell removed.

I mean, I haven't got a husband around
to protect me.

Do you know what I mean, Robbie?

Poor Cam. I used to feel like that.

Well, right with you, Angela. I've not
actually been down that particular road,

but I think I know your problems. I
think I understand them. No, you don't.

those till they've been there. Some days
I just mope around the house just

talking to myself or talking to the
radio.

Won't catch me doing that. Often helps
just to have a chat, to share thoughts

with a friend. That's me, Robbie Benson.
Call the Robbie Benson phone in on 081

203 2031.

If you've got something to say, call the
Robbie Benson phone in on 081 203 2031.

Look, Eddie, just because it says it's
so... all day, it don't mean you can sit

here eating it all day.

If you want another pensioner's
breakfast, you're going to have to pay

I want some more.

You're not Oliver Twist, you are.

If you want some more, you can pay £1
.20.

Stuff that.

I'll have some toast then.

Yes, what can I get you?

Are you?

Won't you turn?

I want a special pensioner's breakfast.

You're not a pensioner. But by the time
I get served, I will be, won't I?

We're talking isolation.

We're talking about despair.

Should we abandon our laughs?

Our next caller is Tracy from Chigwell.
Hi, Tracy.

Hello, Robbie.

I'm a bit nervous, actually. I'm a first
-time caller.

Hi. Well, there's a first time for
everything, Tracy, and it's a big day

both. Now, have you got your radio on?
Make sure you turn it off, won't you?

Then I won't be able to hear myself.

That's my Tracy.

You're on your own, are you, Tracy?

Yeah, I am. Look, I was just listening
to your last caller, and I know how she

feels. You see, my husband is, er... No
longer with you?

That's right.

How long's it been now, Tracy?

Five years.

Look, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, what is it? Where's that toast?

I'm starving.

Eddie, shut up!

Your husband, Tracy?

Daryl. Yes, Daryl. Did you love him very
much?

Of course I did. I still do.

That's good to hear, Tracy. So for you,
it's death has no dominion. What?

The subject today is bereavement. I'm
talking to Tracy from Chigwell, whose

husband, Daryl, died five years ago.

What? No -one told me.

Bet no -one told Daryl either.

Tell me, Tracy, do you think Daryl's
gone to a better place?

Well... Oh, yeah. Hi, Dan. Nick's much
nicer than Maidstone.

Well, I suppose so. Right, right. Right
with you. That's good. That's really

positive. And tell me, Tracy, do you
think that one day you and Daryl will be

reunited? Oh, yeah. Next visiting day,
you'll fill him out.

Yeah, I'm certain I'm going to see him
again, you see. So your faith sustains

you in this time of grief?

What? I don't know about faith.

Look, anyway, that's not what I phoned
up to speak to you about. See, I was

listening to your previous caller.
Angela, you mean?

Yeah, and I thought she seemed a bit...
What a misery girl. She certainly moaned

a lot, didn't she? No, Robbie.

You see, I know how she feels.

But there is a light at the end of the
tunnel. You've got to be positive.

Yeah, I understand what you're talking
about. Keep yourself busy. Keep yourself

occupied. Don't mope around the house
feeling sorry for yourself all day.

You see, me and my friends, we try and
do something, something of real benefit

to the community.

You see, if you're thinking of others,
then you haven't got time to think about

yourself. So what sort of things do you
do then, Tracy?

Me?

Well, I've been doing a first aid course
and I help old people.

You know, make sure they're well fed and
that.

Tracy, you're a terrific person.

Tracy, you're a terrific liar.

I'm gutted, but I accept your decision.

Yeah. Bye.

Yes! What a result!

What?

Chris ain't applying for home leave.

Oh! Made my day.

Pity, though.

Now I won't have the pleasure of telling
him he can't come home.

You wouldn't really have done that,
would you?

I don't know.

Would have been Andy having him help at
the cafe.

I wouldn't have had to pay him.

And all the rats would have left.

I think it's really sad that your
husband doesn't want to come home.

Yeah, you're right.

He should want to come home, even though
I don't want him to come home.

Well, I want my husband home.

In a box, presumably.

What?

On the radio this morning, you were busy
telling everyone he was dead. Oh, don't

start all that again.

Never heard such a load of old cobblers
in all my life.

Look, I didn't say he was dead. They
just sort of assumed it.

Well, of course they did.

That's what they were talking about,
Trace.

Dead husbands.

Yes, but I didn't know that.

It just happened. What could I do?

You should have put them straight.

How could I?

He started talking about faith and
telling me what a wonderful person I

I couldn't just say, oh, I'm sorry, I
forgot he isn't dead. He's doing 12

for armed robbery.

You didn't have to make yourself out to
be Mother Teresa.

I like helping all the old folk.

Lying toe rag.

It was just something to say.

When you started dishing out the advice,
well, it was embarrassing.

All right, I got a bit carried away. It
won't happen again.

You may have lost your partner, but do
not lose yourself.

Love yourself.

Got a load of old tosh.

When you're not helping the old folk,
you're doing a course on first aid.

Because it's so important to keep busy,
isn't it, Robbie?

I need a drink.

What you been doing?

Who you been doing, more like.

I have been doing my course.

The ABC of first aid.

You got to F yet?

As a matter of fact, I have.

We have now done fits, fever and
fainting. And I now know what to do with

foreign bodies.

Come in handy when she's on holiday.

Now she knows how to fondle a Frenchman.

Foreign bodies in the eye.

And foreign bodies in the eye to you
two, John.

So, how are you getting on with this,
Stephen, then?

You got your leg over yet?

Do you know, I can't understand why they
haven't made you poet laureate.

As a matter of fact, I haven't. Yet.

But I will admit it's not for want of
trying.

Maybe our resident agony aunt can give
you a few words of advice.

What are you talking about?

Didn't you hear her?

Tracey was on the radio this morning
putting the world to rights.

Oh, give it a rest, shall.

Hello?

Hang on. A few.

Hello?

Yeah, it is.

Oh, hello.

Pity you missed the door.

Chigwell's answer to Claire Rayner.

She was on that Robbie Vincent show. You
know the one where all the sad,

pathetic people phone up?

I thought you'd have been a regular
listener.

I'm more classic FM myself, but you're
obviously a keen follower.

What was Tracy talking about?

What was she talking through, you mean?

She looks really nice. Yes, people do
get a bit carried away on those

programmes. I reckon they should be
carried away.

You've got to be a fruitcake to phone up
in the first place.

I phoned one up once.

Proves my point, doesn't it?

Radio 4.

I could do that if you really want me
to.

Yeah, I called Nick Ross. You know, they
talk about current affairs.

And you wanted to talk about your
current affairs?

Of course not. I had a very serious
proposition to put to Nick.

But apparently he's happily married.

OK, then.

Bye.

That was the radio.

Oh, looks just like the phone.

No, it was Robbie Vincent in person.

Apparently a lot of people have rung up
about me.

I knew there'd be complaints.

No, they said I was great. I laid it on
the line. Apparently I was better than

the experts.

Told you he was a tosspot.

And he wants me to be on his show again
tomorrow.

Really?

Talking about what?

Alcohol abuse.

What do you know about that?

Not as much as you.

You've done what?

I've applied for home leave. But you
said you wasn't going to. I know. Look,

it's part of the plan.

You've got no right to apply for home
leave. It's not your home. It's not

Sharon's home. It's my home.

What plan?

I've got a plan.

You're going to screw things up for me.
No, I won't.

What do you think I am, stupid?

Yes.

Well, you're wrong.

See? Because that is where I've been
smart. Look, I haven't applied to go to

Sharon's home. No, look, I've given them
a choice.

I have applied to go to either Ulrich or
Johnson's home or Linda Lusardi's home,

depending on which is the most
convenient.

And that's your plan, is it?

No, look, that is just phase one, right?
That is to confuse them. Then I'll give

them an address in Gideon Park.

You've never lived in Gideon Park.

No, that is phase two.

That is just to wear them down.

Then I go into phase three.

Oh, what's that?

That is when I tell them that my wife is
Cypriot and unfortunately does not

speak any English.

Well, by that time they'll be so fed up
with me they'll agree to anything.

You think this plan of yours will work,
do you?

Well, it might do.

And if not, I'll be ready with phase
four.

Which is?

I don't know. I haven't worked it out
yet.

Well, it doesn't much matter what it is,
so long as I keep them away from

Sharon. That's what I told Tracy.

I tell you, I don't want that stroppy
wife of yours around there when they go

visit Tracy.

Well, I agree with you.

How can I sort that one out?

I tell you, what you need is a plan.

Yes. Oh!

They arrived this morning.

Dear Tracy, I would just like to say how
much I enjoyed listening to you on the

Robbie Vincent show.

You talk good sound common sense. Keep
up the good work.

Not bad, eh?

Obviously from a nutter.

The next one wants an autograph.

I've already sent it, actually.

What do you put?

I'll just put Tracy Stubbs.

Very original.

Dear Tracy, your wise words on
alcoholism were a real tonic. When you

alcoholics need to find out who they
really are, it was obvious that you knew

what you were talking about.

Just good sound, common sense.

Actually, Tracy, don't you think that's
just a little bit jejeune?

I don't know. Where's the dictionary?

People tend to drink for all sorts of
reasons, from a deep -rooted sense of

trauma, a sense of inadequacy...

Because they're overweight and
unattractive.

Because they're menopausal and can't get
laid.

Because they don't know what jejeune
means.

Oi, oi, oi, pervert, pervert.

Dear Tracy, I would love to cover you in
golden syrup. Oh, everyone gets one of

those, even Robbie's had one.

The rest are good, though, aren't they?
They're some really nice things.

Sounds like a right little star, doesn't
she?

Voice of the people.

In my own small way, I have proved that
I, too, can do something to serve the

community like you two.

Yes, well, I've had enough of all this
community nonsense. It doesn't get you

anywhere.

First day is starting to lose its
fascination, is it? Yes, well, I can't

the way Stephen keeps raising my hopes
and then dashing them again. Last night,

he tied me up in bandages.

Sounds right up your street.

It was a demonstration. I was completely
swayed from head to foot. Then I heard

him describe to the others what he was
doing, and then I heard him send them

home. And then what happened?

Well, I waited.

Expectantly.

Wondering what he was going to do next.
And then I managed to prise the bandages

from off my eyes.

And?

I found out he'd gone home as well.

Oh, never mind all. Have a handmade
chocolate and a glass of champagne.

They're from the radio station.

A thank you for my talk on the dangers
of drink.

Very apt.

Nice of them, though, weren't it?

The cheapskates are taking you for a
ride, if you ask me.

What do you mean?

We should have someone to handle you.

Shouldn't we all?

A manager.

I mean, you ought to get paid, Trace.

They want you on that programme
regularly.

That won't happen.

Why not?

I mean, they obviously like you.

And everyone's got to start somewhere,
haven't they?

Danny Baker.

Must we?

He's just an ordinary bloke. Look how
well he's doing.

But he's got a good manager.

Yeah, but no one's going to want to
manage me.

Well, I can think of someone who would.

Someone with a keen business brain and
your interests very much at heart.

Wouldn't be talking about you, would we,
Sharon?

Yeah, right.

I'll only take 10 % of everything.

Come on, girl, get that bottle open.

Give us a ear.

or pensioner's breakfast, please,
Sharon?

I'm not doing that anymore, Eddie.

I've got to have a fish to fry now.

All right, I'll have the fish then.

No, it's an expression. It means... Oh,
never mind.

Will a bacon butty do?

Do I get pensioner's concession?

Yes. As a special concession, I'll put
some bacon in it.

Thank you.

Sharon,

I've got to speak to you. The radio's
been on again.

What do you mean? They want me to do
Robbie's show this afternoon.

I told you. And they said if that goes
well, they're thinking of inviting me

into the studio.

Excellent. We're on to a winner. You
might get a regular spot.

How much do you think I should ask them
for? A hundred quid?

No, no.

All right, a tenner. Do what they say.

I can't do it. They want me to talk
about life after death.

What's wrong with that?

You didn't stop your mouthing off, did
it?

Yeah, but this is different.

You're right.

You're turning professional.

No, you don't understand.

See, I told them I'd been speaking to
Daryl and that Daryl had said... Said

what?

Well, that's the point. I told them I'd
been speaking to Daryl. And as far as

they're concerned, Daryl's been dead for
five years.

Oh, they got you down as a lawyer.

No, they got me down as a medium.

They think I'm some sort of...

As your manager, I advise you to go
ahead and do the show. We'll sort

out. How?

What a great idea.

What is?

How?

We'll get you a red engine spirit guide.

Oh, don't be so stupid.

We'll have a laugh and we'll make a few
quid.

Besides, you don't want to let the
golden syrup man down, do you?

He's stuck to the radio when you're on.

but this is supposed to be fun. How
comes I feel so sick?

Are you all right?

Me and Dawn's here to help you, aren't
we, Dawn? I have been married to Marcus

for 25 years. I know everything there is
to know about life after death.

Look, I shouldn't be doing this. I
should be making the house nice in case

Daryl's probation officer comes round.

And what about that window?

What, under the boat, you call?

Hello? Yeah?

Tracing cup?

It's the front door.

Do you think I've got time to nip to the
loo again? No.

And is this going to take much longer?
I've got a lot of things to do at home.

A man's come to me in the window.

What do they call you?

They call him a glazier.

You took your time.

Yeah, I thought you was a 24 -hour
glazier.

I am.

Oh, I'm shattered.

Here, I've been on the job for 24 hours.

Say a word.

And I'll show you the window.

What window?

The broken window, of course.

Oh, yeah, right.

I'll get cracking then.

No, you get mending. We've done the
cracking.

Hello? Yes?

Tracy Stubbs? Voice of the people?

It's for you.

Come on.

You tell Sharon straight.

I want her on her best behaviour when
the probation officer goes round.

don't you worry, son. Look, me and
Shell, we both knows the boss.

Hello, doll.

Chris, sod off.

Sod off.

Still the boss.

Give it to me.

Now, listen up, Sharon, and listen good.

Someone is going to call today.

We know someone's going to call. That's
what we're waiting for. Get off the

line. Sorry, girl.

Sharon. I want to speak to Tracy.

Don't just offer for London, Lev. Get
off the line.

Do you know you've got a broken window
in here?

I'm here to fix it, you zombie.

Oh, yeah.

Hello? Yes, Tracy Stubbs.

Hi, Tracy. Robbie Vincent. You were
engaged.

Yeah, sorry.

OK, look, stay on the line. We'll be
with you after the next caller.

It's him. I'm on next.

Oh, I'll put the radio on. You can't.
You've got to get it out of here because

of the feedback.

She's so professional.

And I think we should say thanks to the
Bishop of Durham for that

contribution. But, you know, some of us
believe there is, all right? Enough

said. In a moment, we'll be hearing from
Tracy Stubbs, the wise woman of

Chigwell. But first, we have a call from
Elizabeth in Shenfield.

The wise woman of Chigwell.

Yeah, I like that. I think I'll put that
on the posters.

She lost her what?

That's right.

Oh, I thought she said she lost her...
Yes, we know what you thought.

Anyway, in the last few months, I keep
hearing knocking in the night, and I'm

just wondering, he's trying to get
through to... In fact, I think I can

now.

You! What?

Leave it a minute!

For some time now.

You should speak to me.

You're going to be surprised by this. As
you may know, Tracy's husband, Daryl,

is sadly no longer with her. But what
you won't know is that Daryl has been in

touch. Isn't that right, Tracy?

Oh, yeah.

In fact, I think he was trying to get in
touch a few minutes ago.

That's amazing. Are you really a medium?

Well, I am in blazes, but I prefer large
and junkies.

Seriously, Elizabeth, you were saying?

Stop mucking about, you.

Can you help with this one, Tracy?

No, I'm sorry, Robbie.

And I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I'm not the
wise woman, if you will.

What are you doing?

I'm just an ordinary woman.

Who's losing me a fortune?

I thought your Daryl was on the other
side.

He is. On the other side of bars.

He's doing 12 years for armed robbery.

I don't believe this.

I'm going to have a drink.

Not now, doll.

I heard a thump. I think he fell off the
ladder.

He's probably just having a kip. Yes,
well, it's too good an opportunity to

miss. I can practise my first aid. Help
me loosen his clothing.

Doll, pack it in.

Oh, God.

Good afternoon, madam. My
identification.

Mrs Stubbs?

Oh, my God.

Blimey. Most places you don't even get a
cup of tea.

You'd better come in the kitchen.

It's a strain, Robbie.

Nothing to look forward to but two more
years of frustration and loneliness.

And then to cap it all when there's a
chance of my husband coming home for the

weekend, I have to jump through hoops
for some nosy, interfering, poxy, smug

probation officer who'll have it in for
me because my husband's banged up.

Trace. What?

a nosy, interfering, poxy, smug,
probation -specific... Oh, God.