Original subtitles

Yeah, work, work, work that body, Tracy.

What about you two, a bit of exercise?

It would hurt, a lot.

Yeah, well, you know what they say, no pain, no gain.

Yeah, well, I think I'll wait for the Mr Blobby workout.

He don't go for the burn. He goes for the melt.

Talking of burning, if your tracksuit is about to burst into flames, well,

you've knackered the porridge.

Oh, no!

No hope for you today, then?

Oh, no, some of it's all right.

Do you fancy a bit?

Oh, no.

No, not porridge.

I'll leave the porridge to Chris.

That cereal's already got added sugar.

Yeah, I know. Just added it.

Oh, piggies, piggies, piggies.

Oh, let's have a sugar drink.

After me, you're first.

Oh, that poor girl.

It says here, the Princess of Wales is finding it so hard to lead a private

life, she's been forced to seek a house far away from such favoured royal

counties as Berkshire and Gloucestershire.

Sources close to the Princess... Because she never leaves home without a bottle

of ketchup.

..say a move to the West Indies or the South of France can't be ruled out.

Oh, the pity of it. She must be distraught.

It ain't easy being a royal, you know.

I'd swap.

Well, you wouldn't like it.

Oh, of course not.

All those film premieres, designer dresses, holidays around the world.

And, of course, I'd really miss scraping the burnt bits off the griddles.

Yes, and look what the strain being raw puts on your marriage.

Oh, yeah.

Must be worse than having a husband banged up for a 12 stretch.

You know what I mean. There she is, a woman in her prime, probably the most

beautiful woman in the world. If not the universe.

And yet, her husband is cold, aloof and unfaithful.

Oh, be fair.

Charles ain't that bad.

Oh, and you'd know, of course.

Yes, I like to think I know something about substandard husbands.

At least I never found another bird's knickers in the glove box of the royal

coach.

Sharon, why have you taken all these pictures of fry -ups?

What is it? Pornography for fat people?

No, I thought I'd have them blown up and hung in the window.

Entice passing trade.

Yeah, entice them to keep passing.

Don't you think I've captured the character of the mixed grill?

The golden smile of the egg.

The beefy bravado of the burger.

The cheeky confidence of the kidneys.

Hobblers.

Butchers swore they were kidneys.

I don't think mixed grills are that sensitive, Trace.

I mean, Diana.

I mean, at least when you're ordinary, you don't have to worry about people

prying into your personal life and taking secret photos of your working

What the bloody hell's this?

It's a secret photo of your working hair.

I never gave permission.

Oh, calm down. I'm your sister, not the Daily Mirror.

I've written brilliant pictures.

Look how I've captured... the way your hair goes all lanky when you're sweating

like a pig.

When did you take these?

Last week, when you were going raving mad on Daryl's Nautilus machine.

I just happened to have the camera with me. Yes, well, I'll have these, and I'll

have the negatives and all. Thank you very much.

You won't believe what has just been poked through my letterbox.

Well, I've never... heard you call it that before.

The new owners of Faden Lodge want to buy 20 feet of my back garden

so they can build a sports complex.

They've offered us £5 ,000.

No. They're swines. And please, do they think I am going to tolerate all that

disruption, dirt and noise just for the price of a couple of Chanel suits?

Of course not. I mean, what would you want with half a dozen muscular,

half -naked builders straining away at the bottom of your garden?

Oh, I hadn't thought.

No, no, I'm sorry.

That is not the point. I mean, what sort of person builds a sports complex in

their grounds?

No, it can only mean that Thaden Lodge has been bought by some vulgar, semi

-literate sports personality like Frank Gascoigne or Paul Bruno.

The negative impact on property values would make £5 ,000 look like chicken

soup. All right, keep your hair extensions on. I just wish someone would

me to the tune of five big ones.

If they'd offered door five big ones, she'd have accepted.

Hang on for that.

So, they want 20 foot off of us and all.

No, that's fantastic!

Oh, I don't believe it. Talk about timing.

There's such a lot needs doing round...

I mean, the sofa's completely knackered since Garth and his girlfriend

celebrated passing their catering exams all over it.

I don't think it's that simple, Tracy.

Why isn't it? Well, much as I hate to be the bearer of sad tidings... Since

when? I rather suspect that the new owners will want both our gardens or

neither.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Sorry, Tracy, but... Sorry?

You don't know the meaning of the word you selfish care.

sweet talker show.

5 ,000 quid?

What I couldn't do with my half of 5 ,000 quid?

Excuse me, did I miss something?

Where did your half come from?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Of course I was forgetting.

This is your house and I'm just a lodger. Well, not to put too fine a

it, yes.

And for just one minute there, I'm starting to feel as if I belong.

I think this was actually my house. Oh, stop bickering, you two.

Neither of you is getting any money.

Because Marcus and I aren't going to have our garden turned into some

for some muscle -bound half -wit.

But, Dorf, for all we know, phasing lodge would have been bought by someone

quite upmarket. You know, like Steve Davis or someone like that.

Oh, suddenly I'm weak at the knees.

Well, can't we go and have a butcher's at home? You might be pleasantly

surprised. Yeah, after all, I was only reading a minute ago our princess died

looking for somewhere to live.

Do you really believe that royalty would move to Chigwell?

Well, they might if they knew Dorian Green lived here.

Good morning, lady.

What can we do for you?

Just come to say hello.

That's very considerate of you.

Hello.

We just live round the corner.

And we thought we'd pop round and introduce ourselves.

And be good neighbours.

Her husband's a neighbourhood watch coordinator.

Well, thank you, but watching a neighbourhood's our job.

24 hours a day.

Oh.

Maybe it's his Diana.

No, he's much too tall.

rarity for Marcus these days.

Anyway, to make up for it, let me buy the drinks tonight.

Oh, that's real compensation, that is. Two thousand pina coladas and we'll be

quick.

Don, don't you recognise him?

That's the bloke from Faden Lodge. You know, the neighbourhood watcher.

Oh, of course it is. Well, that's no reason not to befriend him, is it?

I'll tell you, mate.

It's the kids I feel sorry for.

I mean, little Harry, he's too young to understand yet. His parents are not

going to get it back together again.

But William's old enough to take it really bad.

Yeah, but last time I was driving, Charles reckoned to me he still loves

Well, what's he doing back with that married bit, then?

I don't know. Maybe it's just, you know, platonic.

You what?

Well, I couldn't fancy it.

I've got a face like a slate layer's nail, babe.

What about, you know, all the money he's spending on this house, that indoor

sports centre he's building for her? That ain't going to leave him much to

change out of, what, half a million?

Yeah, well, he can afford it, can't he?

I mean, the whole family's loaded.

It's not as if he pays a lot of tax now, is it? Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Hey, did you fancy another half?

No, mate, we've got to go. She's got that film premiere tonight.

Thank God for that. Another minute and I thought I would have wet myself.

I wish they had gone a minute ago.

That's it, isn't it? You've got to sell them your bit of the garden now.

Not to would be tantamount to treason. Yes, but we don't know it's the same,

Charles and Diana.

Don't be an egg.

With kids called William and Harry, with 24 -hour protection, what more proof do

you want? Yes, but I would like to see them with my own eyes.

And how are we going to do that? With Wolf and Trojan minding the game.

I've got to get rid of this, Trace.

Everywhere I sit, I've got to spring up me Harris.

Maybe Dorian will buy it, then.

Don't I feel weird getting dressed before dinner on a Sunday?

Yeah, well, if it is nice, we'll take the boys to church. Their dad insists on

it.

What's she like?

I want to be a Sloan.

This is how she dresses when she doesn't believe it's dye.

What do you mean?

I just won the first thing that came to hand.

Look, what's that?

Even for you, you're walking funny.

You ain't caught something because of that carpet fitter of yours.

There seems to be something wrong with these Wellingtons.

You soppy mare.

I don't know why I keep coming round here to get insulted.

Especially? No, I borrowed it from the garage, you know, to test it.

Oh, there.

What's the back seat like, then?

Time to get it authentically muddy first.

Well, what do you think of the car?

It's hard to tell, Dawn. We've only come 500 yards.

It's very me, though, isn't it?

I always felt I needed a four -wheel drive.

Yeah, to negotiate the perilous north face of the Waitrose car park.

No, it's very safe, you see.

You're very high up.

You can look down on other drivers.

You look down on other drivers, whatever you mean.

What are?

The gates.

Belt up, Sharon.

It says nothing.

Well, I'll call and see him.

You shouldn't have let them get away from you at that crossroad.

She was doing 110.

It's all right for her, but if I get stopped doing that feat, I can't tell

police you can't book me you work for my mother -in -law.

There's a church up there. Maybe that's where they've gone.

You expect me to get this up there?

That's the sort of challenge you usually relish.

I feel like I've been comprehensively rogered.

You'll be keeping the car then?

No sign of the royal jam jar.

They could be in the church. We should go in and check.

I ain't exactly dressed for church.

Me neither.

You'll have to go, door.

No, sorry, not church.

Not when it's functioning.

The vicar won't bite you.

Well, that's no encouragement, Trace.

The vicar will bite you, door. Oh,

shut up.

Come on, let go.

Still warm.

So?

I saw Columbo do it once.

Yeah? What was it for?

He had cold hands.

That

is

bad.

Right.

All we have to do now, find the exit and wait.

What? You mean you don't want to go?

Well, I've done it.

Picked me a ring up on the coconut shop.

I heard you said Jane often before, Sharon. Oh, she went in for Technicolor

yours and all, did she?

Hello again, ladies.

Oh, hello.

What a coincidence.

Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.

You, uh, waiting for anybody?

We're just waiting for our turn.

Because we're all dying for a go.

Especially Sharon.

Well, we'll give you a hand then, girls.

No, it's all right. We'd be jumping the queue, wouldn't it?

No, no, no, it's all right. We know the governor.

Adam,

you don't mind if our three friends here push in, do you? No, no, that's all

right. Oh, it's all right. There you go. I'll leave it. I'll leave it. I'll

leave it.

Well,

boys, enjoy that.

That is diced carrots.

But I don't see how I could accept their money, Tracy.

It would mean putting a price on the physical and moral upbringing of a

king of England.

No, if Harry and Will need a sport complex... Hold on, Dorf.

If you give them your bit of garden for nothing, then I can try to... Did you

hear something, Tracy?

What? Sorry, just thought I heard something.

A sort of unpleasant, low, animal sound.

Knock it off, doll.

Probably the wind.

Yes. Must have been the wind.

Look, I've said I'm sorry, haven't I? It's no big deal. No big deal?

That sweater was three -ply cashmere.

If you were dismembered and your component organs sold for

would not amount to the cost of that sweater.

You ain't really trying to tell us that no -one's ever been sick on you before

in your life.

Can't have been on a work setting.

Sharon, shut it. Yes, well, it's a little late for that now, Tracy.

Cheer up, Dor.

You're going to have royalty as neighbours. We've seen her with our own

Just think what it'll do for property values when you can say you live in

Chigwell.

Royal Chigwell.

Oh, yes, exploited property. This could catapult me to the top of Essex society.

Not that I am that far off the top now, of course.

Ask her to become a patron of my charity.

What charity?

Well, I don't know. I'll start one.

Slag -Aid?

Of course, she will need new advisors.

You know, friends.

A mature head on an incredibly well -preserved body.

I could become a lady -in -waiting.

Oh, yeah.

First lady of the bedchamber.

I wonder if there'll be anything for me.

Sorry?

You know, in the Royal Household.

Oh, yes, Sharon.

First Lady of the Sick Bucket.

Just think.

We're going to be sharing a postcode with the future Queen of England.

Here, what do I call her?

Ma 'am? Your Majesty?

Your Royal Highness? Oh, I wouldn't worry, Sharon.

The chances of you running into her while rummaging in the outside box at

Sue Rider shop are slim to the point of anorexia.

Yes, but what if I'm mowing the lawn and she's hanging out the washing? I don't

believe you, Sharon.

Yesterday it was all put the wrong parasites up against the wall.

But that was before I knew we were going to be neighbours.

We could go down bubbles together.

She'd have her pick of the blokes, I could have what's left.

Sharon, calm down.

I could throw a dinner party for her. You know, invite a few local worthies.

Some of Mark's business associates.

Immediate family.

Members of the International Press Corps.

Harper's. Tatler. Bose.

Hello. News at ten. Frost on Sunday. What?

Has it ever occurred to you that Princess Diana might be moving to

a bit of privacy?

You're looking good.

Oh, is that the only muscle I can feel?

Yeah, I think that's an old muscle I can feel.

Sorry, it's got mine of its own.

Better sit down.

Yeah.

Been doing a bit of working out down the gym.

Very tasty.

Oh, I like this one.

Your leotards are wet in this one.

They're all.

Do you mind if I keep them?

Of course not.

Because I can get five snout for each of these.

Oi!

Only joking.

Maybe this will take your mind off nookie.

Actually, I doubt it.

You'll never get...

Sorry, you first. Now, after you, have you got some news?

Sure. Yeah.

OK. Do you ever hear of Chaz Savage?

I don't think so.

Of course you have. Charlie Savage.

Savage by name, savage by nature.

He did the big wolves job back in, er, 82.

What did he do?

He called the pick and mix?

No. He only hacked into their payroll computer to the tune of nine and a half

million. What, and now he's in here?

No. He never caught him.

He spent the last decade sunning himself on a copper cabana.

I'm trying to avoid Ronnie Biggs. Why?

Well, wouldn't you?

So why is a 12 -year -old robbery such big news?

Well, you never guessed we'd just bought a house.

I don't know where rich blaggers live in Brazil.

Chigwell.

You're not trying to tell me that they've got a Chigwell in Rio.

Tracey.

See, his wife Diana started getting homesick for England. And as Charlie was

carrying on with some married Brazilian piece... The girl from Ipanema?

I doubt it. Word is she got a face like a slate layer's nail bag.

Hang a bat.

Charles and Diana?

Yeah, funny, innit?

What makes it even more ridiculous is that they've based their whole marriage

you -know -who.

She's died her hair, had it cut like Princess Di, had the nose job.

They've even called their two lads William and Harry.

Although William could be called after Charlie's uncle, Wild Billy Savage, the

Deptford slasher.

And they've just moved into Thayden Ludd. Oh,

you've already met her, have you?

Tried to. There's a couple of very tasty types minding the door.

Don't worry about all that.

When Charlie heard we was neighbours, he made me promise you'd befriend her.

What, your pen pals?

No, but he keeps in touch indirectly.

He's got a cousin in here.

A con?

No, assistant governor.

Anyhow, I promised him you'd give her a ring, make yourself known, be nice to

her. I got the number.

So, what was your big news?

Garf and his bird have knackered the sofa.

That's my boy.

I could get a job at Chigwell School as a dinner lady.

Give the little princes double oven chips and they'll tell their mum how

am and she'll offer me a job as her cook. Brilliant scheme, Sharon.

take more than a decade to come to fruition.

Well, it's better than your idea.

Divorcing Marcus and marrying one of her minders?

Trace! Trace, it's definitely her.

Dorian followed him on the way to school. The boys are going to Chugwell

did not follow her. We just happened to be going the same way.

Did you speak to her?

No, she was 50 yards ahead of me. Anyway, what could I say?

Oh, could have compared engagement rings.

Wouldn't want to humiliate the woman.

Did you tell Daryl the news?

Yeah, he was really chuffed. Said I've got to ring her up right away and invite

her round for a cup of tea.

Oh, yes.

Phone her up. Just like that.

Hello, Your Highness. This is your common neighbour.

Just popping a couple of savoury pancakes into the microwave.

Yes, well, don't you think it'd be a nice gesture? You know, neighbourly. And

suppose he knows her personal phone number.

No, only the editor of The Sun knows that.

Well, it might be the same number as old Mrs Leggett had when she used to live

there. You never know.

Very likely.

Well, it won't hurt to try, will it?

Hello?

This is Tracy Stubbs. We're neighbours over the back fence.

That's right. You wanted to buy a bit of my garden.

No, of course I don't mind.

In fact, we've been trying to introduce ourselves, but your two gorillas didn't

seem to like the idea.

How can she talk to her like that?

No, of course not.

Anyway, I was just wondering, if you was at a loose end, if you'd fancy popping

round for a cup of tea and a savoury pancake.

Today?

Oh, lovely.

Yeah, that'd be fine.

OK, then. See you in, what, half an hour?

Right. Lovely. Bye.

Should be round in half an hour.

Neither do I.

Honestly, Tracy.

I mean, a joke is a joke.

But if you expect us to believe that in 30 short minutes we will be meeting the

Princess of Wales... I don't care what you believe, Dawn. But if it is Princess

Diana and you ain't here, you're not going to feel a plank.

What are you doing?

Catching up on a bit of work. What's it look like I'm doing?

Yes, well, aren't you going to change? You can't wear jeans for royalty.

Oh, so you believe she's royalty now? Yes, I believe she's royalty. I just

believe she's coming here with you wearing jeans.

She wears jeans? Yes, well, she can wear what she likes. Yes, well, this is my

house and I can wear what I like.

Anyway, it's only the woman from over the back fence coming round for a

pancake and a cup of tea.

And anyway, it's her that wants the favour.

What favour?

You and Tracy have both got 20 foot of backyard she needs. No, you may have

backyard. I have professionally landscaped Japanese -influenced rock

Yes, we've still got it and she still wants it. And don't go macking off about

giving it away.

Tracy! Tracy's here!

You've got to go and greet her on the step like they took the wrong variety

performance.

Too late! My God, what a social death!

Leave it a princess standing on the doorstep!

Sharon, you go and answer it while she signs this.

from you to me to say you agreed to sell your garden to her, not give it away

mine. It's all right, all right.

Thank you.

Hello again. Hello.

Curtsy woman.

Hello, I'm Tracy Stout. This is my sister Sharon, and this is Dorian Green,

neighbourhood snob.

Pleased to meet you.

Here. Don't take the piss, girls.

It's not my fault I'm a dead ringer for the Princess of Wales.

Here, Trace. Could you tell us where the little girls' room is? Because I'm

bursting for a leak.

Just at the top of stairs. Ta.

So much for the royal we.