All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s05e12 All Gone Pear Shaped
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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,480
What'll I do?
2
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,580
My knickers in the tumble dry. I'd
rather have to make do with them dodgy
3
00:00:44,580 --> 00:00:45,580
with the loose elastic.
4
00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:50,140
Juice?
5
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:51,920
Terrific colour, juice.
6
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,860
Here you go, Tracey. It'll do you for
flashing.
7
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:56,840
Morning. Morning.
8
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:02,240
Call me an old perv, but there's
something about a bloke in a pink fluffy
9
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:03,520
dressing gown that gets me going.
10
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:06,080
Yeah, well, it's certainly got your
sister going and all.
11
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:09,600
I'd better get dressed.
12
00:01:12,170 --> 00:01:15,830
And to think I used to make do with
Simon Mayo and a bowl of Frosties of a
13
00:01:15,830 --> 00:01:16,830
morning.
14
00:01:16,890 --> 00:01:19,030
I wish you'd tell me when he's staying
the night.
15
00:01:19,510 --> 00:01:21,150
You know I don't always shut the lavvy
door.
16
00:01:21,750 --> 00:01:23,450
It's awful, Trace.
17
00:01:23,790 --> 00:01:27,550
And since you've done me bedroom up, it
seems a shame to keep that Artex ceiling
18
00:01:27,550 --> 00:01:28,550
all to myself.
19
00:01:31,930 --> 00:01:33,990
Colin must have come round very early
this morning.
20
00:01:35,230 --> 00:01:36,230
No, he didn't.
21
00:01:36,810 --> 00:01:39,010
That is his car in the drive, isn't it?
22
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,060
He's stayed the night, you nosy cow.
23
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,160
A whole new concept for you, Dawn.
24
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,640
Out of all your fellas, it's only poor
old Marcus you wake up next to.
25
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,460
Not necessarily. Sometimes he sleeps in
the spare room.
26
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:53,240
Because of your insatiable demands?
27
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,760
Because my night cream gives him hives.
28
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,400
Look at her, Trace.
29
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:03,000
She's gutted I found myself a great
bloke. You're pig -sick, aren't you,
30
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:04,100
I'm surprised.
31
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,640
With your track record, I thought you'd
settle down with a flatulent bookmaker.
32
00:02:09,190 --> 00:02:11,650
Colin's good -looking, smart, honest.
33
00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:13,290
Mine.
34
00:02:20,550 --> 00:02:22,270
Oh, what a waste.
35
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,570
Great little bum and all.
36
00:02:26,310 --> 00:02:28,210
Go in. Don't treat me like a sex object.
37
00:02:28,490 --> 00:02:29,510
Oh, go on. My treat.
38
00:02:31,130 --> 00:02:35,250
Anyway, I was just wondering if you
could pop next door sometime, give my
39
00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:37,150
security system the once -over.
40
00:02:37,610 --> 00:02:38,610
Bore the leg over.
41
00:02:39,950 --> 00:02:40,950
I'd better be off.
42
00:02:43,570 --> 00:02:45,250
Are we still on for tonight?
43
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,930
Maybe we could go out for a meal with
your mate, like I keep promising.
44
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:52,070
That off -licence job is hotting up. I
reckon the governor will want me to work
45
00:02:52,070 --> 00:02:53,070
late.
46
00:02:53,690 --> 00:02:55,910
Unless, of course, it goes pear -shaped.
47
00:02:58,310 --> 00:03:00,290
Things are always going pear -shaped in
the bill.
48
00:03:01,230 --> 00:03:03,890
It looks like I'm going to be couch
potato -shaped tonight.
49
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,440
Anyone would think he didn't want me to
meet his mates.
50
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,400
He's obviously seen the way you put away
a deep pan pizza.
51
00:03:10,140 --> 00:03:13,200
Well, you could always come to Highdown
with me and visit your Chris for a
52
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:14,200
change.
53
00:03:14,660 --> 00:03:15,660
Chris.
54
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,120
Chris.
55
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,740
No, I can't place him, Trace.
56
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,340
Have you told him about Colin?
57
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:28,160
Have you told Marcus about Luke and
Jason and Pepe? And Nigel and Tom and
58
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:30,920
Bernie? And the Grindthorpe Colliery
Band?
59
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,400
Only the horn section.
60
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:35,760
Of course not.
61
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,680
Why make him feel more inadequate?
62
00:03:47,220 --> 00:03:49,080
I wish you'd tell Chris about Colin.
63
00:03:49,420 --> 00:03:51,260
He'd feel much better if he came clean.
64
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,520
How much better can I feel?
65
00:03:53,940 --> 00:03:55,100
I'm ecstatic now.
66
00:03:55,620 --> 00:03:57,800
Yeah, but you know what I'm like at
keeping a secret.
67
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,720
Every time Daryl asks me what you're
doing, I have to lie.
68
00:04:01,220 --> 00:04:03,240
Last time I told him you're taking up
snooker.
69
00:04:03,980 --> 00:04:04,980
Right on cue, eh?
70
00:04:05,820 --> 00:04:07,000
Yeah, am I any good at it?
71
00:04:07,220 --> 00:04:10,880
It ain't funny, but you might not mind
lying to Chris, but me and Daryl have
72
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,340
always had a very honest relationship.
73
00:04:13,260 --> 00:04:14,260
Oh, right.
74
00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:17,779
So you thought he went to work for
stocking on his head to keep the flies
75
00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:18,820
eh?
76
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,320
I'm sorry.
77
00:04:20,420 --> 00:04:22,640
I hope my ribs ain't crushing your
elbows.
78
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,000
No, you're right.
79
00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:25,820
Glass of your mint.
80
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,700
Oh, what's that?
81
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,660
Cheers. I was after mint Imperials.
82
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,080
My car likes sucking you outside,
though.
83
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,020
I mean, you can't really do that for
Glastie and Mint, can you?
84
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:37,520
Don't worry.
85
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:41,240
Glastie and Mint's are more highly
prized than Snout in there. They'll be
86
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,380
laughing. Really?
87
00:04:43,140 --> 00:04:44,300
Just winding you up.
88
00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:45,780
Yeah.
89
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,080
There's a black market in jelly tops,
though.
90
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:50,540
Is this your first time?
91
00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:54,780
Well, I saw them in the detention centre
once, taking and driving away.
92
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:57,320
Or it might have been breaking into gas
meters.
93
00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,580
So it's not exactly squeaky clean, then.
94
00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:03,380
Well, Carl's lawyer reckons he's the
forgotten victim of a cruel, uncaring
95
00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:04,860
society. Really?
96
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:08,420
My Chris is just a thieving tow rag.
97
00:05:13,460 --> 00:05:16,940
So that's Hayley, is it?
98
00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:20,000
Well, if she's like Madonna, I'm Michael
Jackson.
99
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,260
No, you ain't. Your skin's too dark.
100
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,540
So what's that car win for, then? Credit
card fraud.
101
00:05:27,050 --> 00:05:30,290
The pronker got nicked when he signed
one of them slips with his own name.
102
00:05:31,510 --> 00:05:32,650
Kids today, eh?
103
00:05:32,970 --> 00:05:33,970
Got no idea.
104
00:05:34,770 --> 00:05:35,770
Oh, lovely.
105
00:05:36,030 --> 00:05:37,030
So what you been up to?
106
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:38,270
Coffee all right?
107
00:05:38,550 --> 00:05:40,950
Yeah, did Sharon ever get that game of
snooker with Stephen Hendry?
108
00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:48,070
OK. So is my uncle, you know. It was
nice of him to come and everything.
109
00:05:48,690 --> 00:05:51,350
But he talked the whole time about his
irritating bowel.
110
00:05:52,450 --> 00:05:54,430
Then there was this prison visitor
called Dorothy.
111
00:05:55,070 --> 00:05:56,670
I want it to bring Christ into my life.
112
00:05:57,410 --> 00:05:59,550
She'd have a job bringing deodorant into
your life.
113
00:06:01,930 --> 00:06:02,970
Oh, where you been, Shell?
114
00:06:03,470 --> 00:06:05,250
I know you only come here to insult me.
115
00:06:05,710 --> 00:06:07,390
I don't just insult you here, Chris.
116
00:06:08,350 --> 00:06:09,350
I've missed you.
117
00:06:10,230 --> 00:06:11,230
I've been busy.
118
00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:12,930
Getting on with my life.
119
00:06:13,150 --> 00:06:14,170
What, a calf, you mean?
120
00:06:15,410 --> 00:06:17,210
Yeah. Yeah, the calf and all.
121
00:06:18,910 --> 00:06:20,170
You met someone else, didn't you?
122
00:06:21,350 --> 00:06:22,390
What makes you say that?
123
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,070
Well, I suppose it had to happen.
124
00:06:24,780 --> 00:06:28,520
I mean, I know you know Cindy Crawford,
but some bloke was bound to go for your
125
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:29,520
sort eventually.
126
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:32,100
You did?
127
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,320
Yeah.
128
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,100
I remember the night we met, I couldn't
keep my hands off you.
129
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,200
Yeah, and the next morning all my
luncheon virtues were missing.
130
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:43,920
Is there someone else, Shell?
131
00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:47,020
Yeah.
132
00:06:47,780 --> 00:06:50,780
His name's Colin and he's, er, he's in
computers.
133
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:54,520
Like his floppy disc, did you?
134
00:06:55,740 --> 00:06:59,380
I bloody knew it. When you stopped
coming, I knew there had to be someone
135
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,400
Well, you needn't bother coming again.
136
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,100
Flag.
137
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:10,040
Did you tell him about Colin?
138
00:07:14,380 --> 00:07:15,480
No, Trace.
139
00:07:15,740 --> 00:07:17,680
I told him Peter Pan was dead.
140
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,000
Who's Colin?
141
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:28,800
This bloke Sharon's been seeing. He's a
copper and she wasn't going to tell
142
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,960
Chris. And there she is. And I lied
about the snooker.
143
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:35,140
My sister -in -law's strumping some
scumbag in her filth. Do you mean she's
144
00:07:35,140 --> 00:07:37,200
actually... I can't believe it.
145
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,700
Does this mean she can't get me Stephen
Hendry's autograph?
146
00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:50,280
Honestly, Sharon won't mind. Oh, she
shall.
147
00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:51,580
Mind what?
148
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,640
Us giving Hayley this... to London.
149
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:54,980
She's lost her train ticket.
150
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:56,820
I'm always losing stuff.
151
00:07:57,100 --> 00:08:00,360
Do you know what my car says? It said
I'd lose life if it weren't for Grosan.
152
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,800
Proper little Clive Anderson, isn't he?
153
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:04,320
No Nisby's?
154
00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:05,540
Carl Nisby.
155
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,520
I thought he took it quite well, all
things considered.
156
00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:25,980
He called me a slag tray.
157
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:30,320
That's hardly giving me his blessings
and a set of non -stick saucepans, is
158
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,000
Well, it could have been worse. What
with Colin's line of work and
159
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,200
I thought you had some same as Chris.
160
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,580
I didn't tell him Colin was a copper.
161
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:43,700
Well, it may be over between us, but I
don't want the poor bastard to use his
162
00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:44,700
sheet as a necktie.
163
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,200
Colin.
164
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,640
Chris is my husband and he's a villain.
165
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,310
Colin. is my boyfriend and he's a
copper.
166
00:08:53,830 --> 00:08:56,650
You are a passenger and it's 50 miles to
London.
167
00:08:57,010 --> 00:08:59,110
Now suck on a glass, you mean. All
right.
168
00:09:00,930 --> 00:09:04,790
Sorry, Tracy, could you run that by me
again? I was busy with Kevin Costner. I
169
00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:05,790
wish.
170
00:09:05,830 --> 00:09:09,270
Promise me, Dore, that you won't tell
Sharon that I told Daryl that Colin's a
171
00:09:09,270 --> 00:09:12,970
copper. Because if Sharon finds out that
Chris has found out, because Daryl told
172
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:16,550
Chris, not that he has, but if he did,
she'll never forgive me, OK?
173
00:09:16,870 --> 00:09:19,130
Oh, with a body like that, you can
forgive him the crew cut.
174
00:09:19,790 --> 00:09:20,970
Yes, Tracy, I got that.
175
00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:25,090
Like I was saying, Dore, she can't have
been much older than Garfield, you poor
176
00:09:25,090 --> 00:09:26,170
cow. Hayley!
177
00:09:26,590 --> 00:09:27,650
Silly little tart.
178
00:09:28,770 --> 00:09:32,390
She only wanted to play I Spy with my
little eye all the way home.
179
00:09:34,050 --> 00:09:36,070
And she thought S .O. began with an S.
180
00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:42,830
Love has obviously brought out the
tolerance and compassion in you.
181
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,590
Take it from me, Trace, she's a loser.
182
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,520
Just like her, Carl. Just like my Chris.
Oh, but he's not your Chris anymore.
183
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:51,800
Tracy tells me you've told him about
Colin.
184
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:53,200
But not that he was a copper.
185
00:09:53,420 --> 00:09:55,300
I never told you she told him that, did
I, Dawn?
186
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:57,200
Oh, Chris.
187
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,200
I suppose he never expected you to meet
someone else.
188
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,860
Have you ever had a teapot surgically
removed from your throat?
189
00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:10,200
You see, I have told enough men goodbye
to understand the suffering he must be
190
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,200
going through. Yeah. Well, this is after
11 years of marriage.
191
00:10:13,420 --> 00:10:15,320
Not a quick tumble in the back of your
motor.
192
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:16,879
What about the cafe?
193
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,100
Will you still be partners?
194
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:22,220
Can we expect a tug -of -love battle for
custody of the tea urn?
195
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,280
I never realised that being happy could
give me so much grief.
196
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,860
This ain't home and away, you know,
Dorian.
197
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,320
This is my life.
198
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,100
And in that time, you've got one of your
own.
199
00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:42,700
How's it going, mate?
200
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:44,280
Oh, me?
201
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:45,860
Terrific. Couldn't be better.
202
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:51,440
Me and the lads were, you know, talking
and... I just wanted you to know... How
203
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,900
pleased you are it was me that got the
Dear John treatment and not you?
204
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:55,160
Of course not.
205
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,620
Well, Mickey might have said something
along them lines, but, you know, Mickey,
206
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,160
why talk out of your mouth when your bum
could host a chat show?
207
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:07,780
You know, out of the two of us, I always
thought you'd be the one seeing your
208
00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:08,840
marriage go banakazi.
209
00:11:09,620 --> 00:11:13,300
Oh, charming. Thanks a lot, mate. I
mean, who is this Colin, anyway?
210
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,840
I mean, who fancy a bloke with a poncy
name like that?
211
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,760
You're the one who landed it with
Theodora Lovatis.
212
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:24,300
Hey, I bet he wears an anorak and lives
with his mum and never misses
213
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:25,300
neighbours.
214
00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:27,300
You never miss neighbours, Chris.
215
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,080
Only cos I like to bonk them two twins.
216
00:11:32,660 --> 00:11:34,960
And what does she see in a bloke that
works in computers?
217
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:40,940
Tracey said he was a... Who said he
worked in computers?
218
00:11:41,460 --> 00:11:42,480
Well, Sharon, of course.
219
00:11:43,550 --> 00:11:45,050
I mean, big deal.
220
00:11:45,390 --> 00:11:46,890
I could be in computers too.
221
00:11:47,350 --> 00:11:48,470
Someone show me how they work.
222
00:11:50,730 --> 00:11:52,790
Well, she ain't telling you the truth
about this, Colin.
223
00:11:53,110 --> 00:11:54,790
Oh, she's definitely got another blow.
224
00:11:55,430 --> 00:11:57,130
The way she avoided my eyes.
225
00:11:57,870 --> 00:11:58,890
The way she behaved.
226
00:11:59,650 --> 00:12:02,110
The love bite the size of Manchester on
the side of her neck.
227
00:12:03,270 --> 00:12:04,270
She ain't lying.
228
00:12:05,230 --> 00:12:06,230
Why do you ask?
229
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:08,810
Forget it.
230
00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:13,030
Here it is.
231
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:17,020
28th birthday present from Daryl. Is it
a what's -it? A herpes?
232
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,320
Hermes! Now it's a fruit tree.
233
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,780
You used to get me some lovely presents.
234
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,760
Chris gave me a souvenir of Frinton
headscarf.
235
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,580
He found it on a tube.
236
00:12:31,980 --> 00:12:37,140
Right. You have precisely 33 minutes to
put on some smart clothes and a bit of
237
00:12:37,140 --> 00:12:38,140
make -up.
238
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,300
What's this?
239
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:40,440
Chopped liver?
240
00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:44,000
Sorry, Sharon, didn't realise you'd been
trawling Oxfam today.
241
00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:45,820
Come on, Tracy.
242
00:12:45,980 --> 00:12:47,420
Well, I ain't going nowhere special.
243
00:12:47,620 --> 00:12:48,499
Yes, you are.
244
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:49,500
You both are.
245
00:12:49,980 --> 00:12:53,540
An old friend of mine, Pierre, has just
opened a new restaurant in Epping. I've
246
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,640
been invited, plus a couple of friends,
for a free meal tonight.
247
00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:58,360
Well, I've never known you two turn down
a free meal.
248
00:12:58,800 --> 00:12:59,800
What do you say?
249
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:00,699
Take Marcus.
250
00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:02,980
You know, that bloke standing next to
you in your wedding photos.
251
00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:04,780
He's at a conference in Jersey.
252
00:13:05,580 --> 00:13:06,580
Or was it Cardigan?
253
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,040
I wasn't listening.
254
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,080
Oh, come on.
255
00:13:09,220 --> 00:13:12,940
Look, the table's booked for eight, and
Sharon, promise me you will not tuck the
256
00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:14,100
tablecloth in under your chin.
257
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,860
I won't even drink out the finger bowl
door.
258
00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:20,680
Some other time, eh? I'm finally meeting
Colin's mates tonight.
259
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,460
Oh. Well, you'll come, won't you, Tracy?
260
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,960
Pierre's hired some stunning waiters.
You know the thought. They undress you
261
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,580
with their eyes as they grind your
pepper.
262
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:33,460
Sorry, Dawn, going to the pictures with
Hayley tonight.
263
00:13:34,540 --> 00:13:35,540
Oh, of course.
264
00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:40,100
I mean, why enjoy a gourmet meal with me
when you could be chomping buttockies
265
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,760
with that intellectually challenged
gonk?
266
00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:45,800
Still, as long as you're not taking it
personally, I do.
267
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:50,880
No. No, of course not. There are dozens
of men who'd be only too thrilled to
268
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,000
suck raspberry coulis off my fingers.
269
00:13:54,020 --> 00:13:56,140
Well, Roger, for instance.
270
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,780
Yes, I met him this afternoon at the
tennis club and he's dying to show me
271
00:13:59,780 --> 00:14:00,780
strokes.
272
00:14:01,060 --> 00:14:02,940
Oh, no, no, no, no.
273
00:14:09,439 --> 00:14:10,439
There you go.
274
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,620
Get your laughing tackle round there. A
nice one.
275
00:14:12,940 --> 00:14:15,920
Hey, to us and a great result yesterday.
276
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:17,640
To us.
277
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,360
What great result?
278
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:21,760
Didn't Paul tell you?
279
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,000
We banged up this piece of scum we've
been doing over building societies.
280
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,620
If it wasn't for our man at a match
here, the whole thing might have gone
281
00:14:28,620 --> 00:14:29,620
-shaped.
282
00:14:30,020 --> 00:14:31,840
Mind you, what about Harry?
283
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:33,360
Yeah, terrible.
284
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:34,920
Here's to old Harry.
285
00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:37,040
Poor old Harry.
286
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:39,500
What about poor old Harry?
287
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:42,500
Knifed in the chest by a crackhead.
288
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,280
Oh, my God.
289
00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:46,740
Have you ever been stabbed, Carl?
290
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,320
Has he ever been stabbed?
291
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,140
There was a time we used to call him the
pincushion kid.
292
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,640
I thought his appendix scar was in a
strange place.
293
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:58,580
You see, Sharon, it's the likes of us
who have to keep the streets safe, and
294
00:14:58,580 --> 00:14:59,319
likes of you.
295
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:00,320
You and Batman.
296
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:04,130
Sounds too good for some of them evil
bastards we have to deal with.
297
00:15:04,410 --> 00:15:08,810
Yeah. Tell that to the Tottenham Three,
and the Guildford Four, and the
298
00:15:08,810 --> 00:15:09,810
Birmingham Six.
299
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:13,770
To poor old Harry.
300
00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:18,610
No, Roger, I quite understand.
301
00:15:20,110 --> 00:15:23,210
I couldn't possibly tear you away from
the bedside of your sick grandmother.
302
00:15:24,770 --> 00:15:27,350
Is that her in the background singing Do
You Think I'm Sexy?
303
00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:31,170
Yes. Some other time, Roger.
304
00:15:31,650 --> 00:15:32,650
Goodbye.
305
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:37,330
I am a vibrant, sensual woman.
306
00:15:38,050 --> 00:15:39,690
Poor fool, he doesn't know what he's
missing.
307
00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:46,230
Home alone.
308
00:15:50,330 --> 00:15:55,830
It was a joke.
309
00:15:56,150 --> 00:15:58,990
And what's your encore? Heard the one
about the serial killer and the
310
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,260
Look, I'm sorry, Cole, but you've got to
admit it was the only time they
311
00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:04,260
actually noticed me.
312
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,300
Cobblers, you were determined not to
like them. Too bloody right.
313
00:16:08,180 --> 00:16:11,220
Eric actually thinks all shoplifters
should be electrocuted.
314
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:13,920
Eric's a nice bloke once you get to know
him. Oh, sure.
315
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,700
And Hannibal Lecter's a vegetarian.
316
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,520
Look, you've got to be tough to do what
we do, Sharon. I'm Colin the Cop and not
317
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:34,520
Postman Pat.
318
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:35,560
I know.
319
00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:42,360
When we're at the pictures or in a
restaurant together or under my duvet, I
320
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,760
forget what you are, what I am.
321
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,120
And then it hits me smack in the face,
just like tonight.
322
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,180
Well, you know what we ought to do,
then?
323
00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:53,980
What?
324
00:16:54,740 --> 00:16:55,960
Get back under the duvet.
325
00:17:06,319 --> 00:17:07,319
Nice evening.
326
00:17:07,540 --> 00:17:11,560
Great. If you like going for a drink
with a load of brainwashed plods.
327
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,319
Colin's not a brainwashed plod. Not yet.
328
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,760
But it's like the Stepford Wives, isn't
it?
329
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:22,819
They'll plug him into some machine and
he'll come out with this glazed look in
330
00:17:22,819 --> 00:17:26,380
his eyes saying, it's all gone pear
-shaped, guv.
331
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,000
We got them banged to rights, guv.
332
00:17:30,580 --> 00:17:31,980
Hello, hello, hello.
333
00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:37,060
Not dressed yet, I see.
334
00:17:37,580 --> 00:17:39,100
Did you go to the restaurant with Roger?
335
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,160
Is that raspberry watsit off your
fingers?
336
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,400
And the rest.
337
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:44,840
Well, actually, that's why I came round.
338
00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:50,400
Roger was so intense and demanding that
we never quite made it to the
339
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,480
restaurant. Another knot on your red
ball, you mucky trollop.
340
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:57,640
So, I thought maybe we could go there
for Sunday lunch.
341
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,059
What do you say?
342
00:17:59,060 --> 00:18:01,880
Oh, I'd love to, dear. Only I'm taking
Hayley's tea with the prisoner's wife.
343
00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:03,800
Poor Claire's in a right state at the
moment.
344
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,500
And I suppose you're on patrol with
Dixon of Doc Green.
345
00:18:09,940 --> 00:18:11,620
We're going for a drive this afternoon.
346
00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:13,480
Oh, how nice for you.
347
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,260
We'll be visiting DIY centres together
soon.
348
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,520
This is the life, eh?
349
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:26,400
Lovely day.
350
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,280
Smashing fella.
351
00:18:29,260 --> 00:18:30,300
And... And?
352
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,960
And I've finally found a washing -up
liquid that...
353
00:18:35,370 --> 00:18:37,810
Going to beat the grease and get kind to
my hands.
354
00:18:38,290 --> 00:18:39,590
What more could you ask for, eh?
355
00:18:40,310 --> 00:18:41,710
It could always be like this.
356
00:18:41,930 --> 00:18:42,809
Oh, yes.
357
00:18:42,810 --> 00:18:47,210
We could chuck Chris and your job and
everything down the car and flush them
358
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,090
away. But we don't have to.
359
00:18:49,870 --> 00:18:52,410
Because when we're together, we can
forget about all that because it doesn't
360
00:18:52,410 --> 00:18:53,410
matter.
361
00:18:55,490 --> 00:18:57,890
I can forget about Chris.
362
00:18:58,710 --> 00:18:59,810
I've had years of practice.
363
00:19:01,230 --> 00:19:02,830
But can you forget about being a copper?
364
00:19:03,090 --> 00:19:04,090
Me a copper?
365
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:06,520
I don't know what you're talking about.
I mean, computers, aren't they?
366
00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:16,860
What are you thinking about?
367
00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:19,039
Go on.
368
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,040
A penny for them.
369
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:21,780
A fiver if they're really rude.
370
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:25,960
Cole.
371
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:28,400
Bloop you, Reg, and this there.
372
00:19:28,980 --> 00:19:30,660
Just like the one in those off -licence
jobs.
373
00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:33,060
I'd better call a gardener.
374
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,820
Why? You're in computers.
375
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,300
You never know.
376
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,840
Look, them Japanese car makers ain't
stupid, Cole.
377
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:46,560
I wouldn't be surprised if they hadn't
turned out, ooh, thousands of blue e
378
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:50,500
motors. All right, I get the message.
Sorry, PC plot strikes again.
379
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:53,560
How can we forget you're a copper? If
you're always on duty.
380
00:19:54,380 --> 00:19:57,340
If you're always assuming that
everybody's up to no good.
381
00:19:58,580 --> 00:19:59,600
Trust me, Cole.
382
00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:03,640
The world ain't full of stolen motors
and...
383
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:06,880
Tooled -up crackheads and villains
holding up off -life.
384
00:20:12,860 --> 00:20:13,860
You can relax.
385
00:20:14,260 --> 00:20:15,260
It's gone now.
386
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:22,280
I thought I was a slag and you never
wanted to see me again.
387
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:23,499
You are.
388
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:24,500
I don't.
389
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:25,800
So why's your phone?
390
00:20:26,060 --> 00:20:27,140
I want to see you again.
391
00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:29,140
To ask you something.
392
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,560
Well, I hope it's not who's better in
bed, Chris.
393
00:20:32,110 --> 00:20:33,710
Because, believe me, you won't like the
answer.
394
00:20:35,030 --> 00:20:36,030
It ain't that.
395
00:20:36,050 --> 00:20:39,010
I mean, let's face it. The only time the
earth ever moved was when they
396
00:20:39,010 --> 00:20:41,850
demolished that tower block down the
road. Will you shut up and listen for a
397
00:20:41,850 --> 00:20:43,070
minute? I need to come, you know.
398
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:46,930
I could have stayed at the cab and
scrubbed out the chip fryer. Or seen
399
00:20:46,930 --> 00:20:47,930
the copper.
400
00:20:51,410 --> 00:20:52,790
Why didn't you tell me, Sharon?
401
00:20:54,370 --> 00:20:55,590
I didn't think it was important.
402
00:20:56,370 --> 00:20:57,370
Not important?
403
00:20:57,730 --> 00:20:58,770
Oh, Struth.
404
00:20:59,670 --> 00:21:02,810
Dear John turns into Dear Bill and you
think it's not important?
405
00:21:03,170 --> 00:21:05,890
I had to find out from that spot in the
light, you know, the one with the glass,
406
00:21:05,950 --> 00:21:06,950
you monster.
407
00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:10,010
Does everyone know but me, Shell?
408
00:21:11,410 --> 00:21:12,970
We ain't told Nigel Dempster yet.
409
00:21:14,350 --> 00:21:17,010
My credibility and my mates will go
right out the window.
410
00:21:17,550 --> 00:21:18,550
You haven't got any?
411
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:19,610
What, credibility?
412
00:21:19,710 --> 00:21:20,710
Mates.
413
00:21:21,690 --> 00:21:24,770
Listen, Chris, how do you think I felt
when you was dipping your wick all over
414
00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:25,770
Edmonton, eh?
415
00:21:26,190 --> 00:21:27,190
my credibility then?
416
00:21:27,270 --> 00:21:29,490
Yeah, I never did it with a policeman,
though, did I? You might have got a
417
00:21:29,490 --> 00:21:36,450
lighter sense if you had. Look, all I'm
saying... Look, all
418
00:21:36,450 --> 00:21:40,990
I'm saying is that if you dump me for a
copper, I'll never be able to show my
419
00:21:40,990 --> 00:21:42,050
face in North London again.
420
00:21:42,430 --> 00:21:45,970
I might as well... Oh, leave it, Tat.
421
00:21:46,810 --> 00:21:49,390
You'd have a panic attack if you do up
the top button on your shirt.
422
00:21:50,630 --> 00:21:54,010
Look, just because he's a copper... It
ain't just that, Cheryl. Of course it
423
00:21:56,490 --> 00:21:57,490
be happy for me.
424
00:21:57,690 --> 00:22:02,070
But I found myself a kind, thoughtful,
decent bloke.
425
00:22:02,430 --> 00:22:03,430
No.
426
00:22:03,710 --> 00:22:07,110
I don't want a kind, thoughtful, decent
bloke to have you.
427
00:22:07,930 --> 00:22:12,650
I want a stupid, crappy, useless bloke
to have you.
428
00:22:13,950 --> 00:22:14,950
Me.
429
00:22:20,430 --> 00:22:22,470
Eric and Paul are having a party on
Saturday.
430
00:22:23,110 --> 00:22:24,270
But I said we were busy.
431
00:22:25,910 --> 00:22:28,790
Worried I'd turn up in my free Winston
Silcott T -shirt, were you?
432
00:22:28,990 --> 00:22:29,990
Of course not.
433
00:22:30,550 --> 00:22:31,850
Mind you, it did cross my mind.
434
00:22:34,110 --> 00:22:35,110
Don't you want to go?
435
00:22:35,530 --> 00:22:36,970
No, not if you don't.
436
00:22:38,810 --> 00:22:40,150
We could go away for the weekend.
437
00:22:41,010 --> 00:22:42,270
Find a nice cosy hotel.
438
00:22:43,190 --> 00:22:44,790
Superglue do not disturb on a door knob.
439
00:22:45,930 --> 00:22:48,010
But it'd still all be you when we get
back, wouldn't it?
440
00:22:48,770 --> 00:22:50,110
Not if we don't let it.
441
00:22:51,630 --> 00:22:52,830
It's like West Side Story.
442
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,260
You're a shark and I'm a jet.
443
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:57,180
You're Romeo and I'm Juliet.
444
00:22:57,460 --> 00:22:59,200
You say potato, I say potato.
445
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:01,100
I'm serious, Colin.
446
00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:02,460
I know.
447
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,080
Your forehead cramp was up.
448
00:23:05,260 --> 00:23:09,220
When I watched West Side Story, I went
through a whole box of men's side
449
00:23:09,220 --> 00:23:10,220
tissues.
450
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:11,900
It ended really sad.
451
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:13,760
It doesn't have to.
452
00:23:14,580 --> 00:23:18,420
I don't care what Chris thinks or what
Paula and Eric thinks.
453
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:20,060
It's our lives.
454
00:23:20,340 --> 00:23:23,630
Exactly. Because. to admit it, Cole,
we're miles apart.
455
00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:28,890
You're such a good copper, you make
Dixon and Doc Green look bent.
456
00:23:30,090 --> 00:23:31,710
But you're still a copper.
457
00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:35,010
I'm honest, law -abiding.
458
00:23:35,850 --> 00:23:37,750
Well, apart from EVAT returns.
459
00:23:38,310 --> 00:23:40,370
But I'm still mixed up with villains.
460
00:23:41,270 --> 00:23:42,790
We can't change that.
461
00:23:43,070 --> 00:23:44,070
We can.
462
00:23:44,190 --> 00:23:45,190
How?
463
00:23:46,090 --> 00:23:47,430
What if I gave up the force?
464
00:23:48,490 --> 00:23:50,270
I don't have to be a policeman.
465
00:23:50,810 --> 00:23:53,560
No. Look, I wouldn't mind. I would.
466
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,140
You're a good, honest, dedicated copper.
467
00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:01,920
I couldn't live with myself if I was the
reason you gave it all up. I could go
468
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,680
into security. I could become a store
detective or something.
469
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:09,140
And when you were nicking some old deer
for stealing cat food, you'd get all
470
00:24:09,140 --> 00:24:14,240
restless and resentful that you weren't
out with Eric and the lads, chasing drug
471
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,520
dealers and putting away rapists.
472
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:18,500
You'd blame me.
473
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,160
Only you wouldn't say so.
474
00:24:20,830 --> 00:24:24,410
But you'd give me the cold shoulder in
bed, then we'd start rowing. Yes, you're
475
00:24:24,410 --> 00:24:25,410
right.
476
00:24:26,990 --> 00:24:28,930
Well, put up a bit of a fight, at least.
477
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:30,250
No, you're right, Sharon.
478
00:24:31,150 --> 00:24:32,310
I couldn't give up the force.
479
00:24:32,930 --> 00:24:36,630
I mean, it's been rough, and sometimes I
hate it, but it's all I know what to
480
00:24:36,630 --> 00:24:37,990
do. I'd be crap at anything else.
481
00:24:41,450 --> 00:24:42,870
We've had some good times, haven't we?
482
00:24:44,010 --> 00:24:45,010
Yeah.
483
00:24:46,710 --> 00:24:47,710
Do you, Anne?
484
00:24:53,740 --> 00:24:54,740
And poor old Harry.
485
00:24:57,980 --> 00:24:59,200
So, that's that, then.
486
00:25:00,180 --> 00:25:01,760
No copper for a brother -in -law.
487
00:25:01,980 --> 00:25:03,940
No free tickets to the policeman's ball.
488
00:25:05,100 --> 00:25:08,360
Hello, hello, hello's turned into
goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
489
00:25:09,860 --> 00:25:10,940
I'm sorry, Cheryl.
490
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:12,400
I really liked Colin.
491
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:14,980
Of course, Chris will think I did it for
him.
492
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:16,600
Maybe you did.
493
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:17,640
Of course I didn't.
494
00:25:17,740 --> 00:25:18,760
What's he ever done for me?
495
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,240
Apart from nip me post office book and
sleep with me bridesmaid.
496
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:25,520
And how do you feel now?
497
00:25:27,540 --> 00:25:28,540
Sad.
498
00:25:29,260 --> 00:25:30,260
Relieved.
499
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:31,640
Depressed.
500
00:25:31,900 --> 00:25:34,600
Like I could eat ten Mars bars without
taking off the wrappers.
501
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,020
Well, I'll cheer you up. Apparently I'm
very good at it.
502
00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:40,499
Too so.
503
00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:41,500
Eh, Lee?
504
00:25:42,100 --> 00:25:46,040
Yeah, I know she's thicker than a plank
sandwich, but I got her through a really
505
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:46,939
tough patch.
506
00:25:46,940 --> 00:25:50,820
I found her a flat, helped her apply for
a job, and taught her to do joined -up
507
00:25:50,820 --> 00:25:51,820
writing.
508
00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:56,220
She won't thank you for it, Trace. She
will. She has.
509
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,460
See, Shell, I looked at her and I saw
meself.
510
00:25:59,820 --> 00:26:00,920
Your hair's nicer.
511
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,280
I saw what I was like when Daryl first
got put away.
512
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,360
I went into one if I had to change a
plug.
513
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:07,860
But I coped, didn't I?
514
00:26:08,180 --> 00:26:09,940
And now I've helped her to cope too.
515
00:26:10,620 --> 00:26:12,420
Well, good for you, Trace.
516
00:26:12,980 --> 00:26:16,060
As long as you promise me I never have
to play I Spy with her again.
517
00:26:22,090 --> 00:26:23,090
Not troubling you, am I?
518
00:26:24,630 --> 00:26:26,870
Didn't know if you had company. Didn't
want to be in the way.
519
00:26:28,390 --> 00:26:33,070
Spooky, isn't it? She looks like Dorian.
She sounds like Dorian. But she's too
520
00:26:33,070 --> 00:26:36,250
nice to be Dorian. See, I have something
to say.
521
00:26:38,270 --> 00:26:42,990
I know I have a tendency to barge in
when I have nothing better to do and to
522
00:26:42,990 --> 00:26:43,990
outstay my welcome.
523
00:26:44,730 --> 00:26:49,170
But just recently, when you have been so
busy with Hayley and Colin...
524
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,640
I realise just how much I value your
friendship and your company.
525
00:26:55,380 --> 00:26:56,380
I missed you.
526
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,720
Who'd have thought I would be best
friends with two coarse, foul -mouthed
527
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:03,800
criminal's wives like you?
528
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,660
Oh, she's back.
529
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:09,140
For a moment there, I thought we'd lost
a trace.
530
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:13,140
So, um... How about going for that meal
in the restaurant tonight?
531
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,340
If you have nothing better to do.
532
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:16,640
Didn't you go with Roger?
533
00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:20,890
No, he was so, uh... passionate and
demanding.
534
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:24,770
In the end, I had to tell him I was too
busy nursing my sick grandmother.
535
00:27:26,290 --> 00:27:27,310
So are you free?
536
00:27:28,830 --> 00:27:29,830
I'm free.
537
00:27:30,270 --> 00:27:31,270
Completely and utterly.
538
00:27:32,070 --> 00:27:35,650
Is this the place where the waiters
undress you with their eyes?
539
00:27:36,710 --> 00:27:37,710
Yes.
540
00:27:38,030 --> 00:27:39,710
I'd better put some clean knickers on,
then.
541
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:00,220
Still to come tonight on UK Gold.
39790
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