All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s05e11 An Inspector Stays

What'll I do when you are gone?

What do you want for breakfast?

Frosty for a quick sugar bath or all
brown for a good clear out?

Neither. Garfield made me breakfast in
bed.

Deviled kidneys.

Lovely.

I'm really worried about him, Cheryl.
He's got to be up to something.

Oi, I was listening to that.

Up to what?

I don't know. He's just been too nice.

I can't even get this sort of treatment
on Mother's Day.

What's the matter with you?

kids his age are out nicking cars or
getting rat arsed every night.

You should be really pleased he makes a
fuss of you.

No one else does.

It's just a bit sudden, that's all.

And turn that crap off.

What's the matter with Radio 1?

Besides the fact that it churns out
remorseless techno pop for people with

discernible brain cells, nothing.

That's good, from the woman who once
said her number one desert island diss

Una Paloma Blanca.

Because I like it.

It just brings back fond memories of the
time Chris was dancing to it at that

disco in Margate.

Tripped himself up, spilt his lager over
two rugby players and spent a week in

traction.

But I've changed, Trace. I want to
broaden my horizons.

I want to learn more about proper music
and culture and things.

Oh, of course.

Because you don't want to make a gunk of
yourself in front of Colin again.

Honestly, Shell, even I know the
Nutcracker Sweets are ballet and not a

two armchairs.

I was mucking about.

Oh, yeah.

Look, there's nothing wrong with wanting
to improve yourself.

I've met a bloke whose cultural horizons
go beyond the Sunday sport.

I want to keep up with him. So what
cultural treat has he got lined up for

tonight?

We're going to the King's Head.

What, having a quiz night, are they?

Can I come?

It's a fringe theatre, actually.

There's a new play by Keevan Bromwich.

Or was it Albion?

Keevan Bromwich?

Oh, did I hear you say Keevan Bromwich?
How exciting.

Have you heard of him?

Her, actually.

She's a promising New Zealand dramatist
whom critics are acclaiming as the

Antipodean Timberlake -Wertenbaker.

Never mind.

How do you know?

She was on Radio 4 starting the week
with Melvin Bragg. Lucky cow.

Can I smell a full English breakfast?

Tracey's just had it in bed.

With whom?

On my own. You're a trollop, you are.

Speaking of trollop, Sharon, I brought
you the Barchester Chronicles and

Fourth, the easy -listening symphony for
the uninitiated.

And don't get egg yolk all over the
books, please. Now, you were saying,

Tracy... I was saying, you might not
mind having your bacon and eggs with

strange bloke. Over easy.

The only bloke who's getting in between
my sheets is my Daryl. Do I really

admire you, Tracy? How long is it now?

She can't remember. It's been three
years since she's seen it.

I don't understand about being faithful,
Dawn. Can you imagine having to spend

the rest of your life with one man?

Well, actually, that's just what I have
been imagining because I am thinking of

falling in love.

Leave it, Aya.

Who is the poor sod then?

His name is Emile.

He's French and he is to die for.

Looks like Gerard Dipperdure.

Soulful eyes, shaggy mane, big nose.

What's so great about a big conk then?

I know what they say.

Big nose. Big handkerchief.

So where did you find this frog then?

He's moved into the Weeping Willows, you
know, the house across the road, with

the home -based carriage lamps and the
manual garage doors.

What, and there's no Mrs. O'Meal about?

No woman at all. But he is, as yet,
resistant to my wiles. Now, I have been

there several times, masquerading as the
neighbourhood watch coordinator.

But he keeps giving me short shrift.

It's not like you to get anything short
from a bloke, doll.

Still, maybe short shrift sort of
balances out his big conk.

Thank you.

The thing I don't understand is why is
Celia keeping this Ukrainian locked up

a spare bedroom?

And why is Vladimir submitting to this
ordeal when she won't even let him touch

her? Even though they both start naked.

If I was to get a bloke star, there'd be
no stopping me.

She won't let him touch her because she
feels that way she's not being

unfaithful to her husband.

But I think we will wait for the second
act to reveal the play's imagistic

methods and its symbolic potential.

I love it when you talk all clever.

You know who you remind me of?

Kenneth Branagh?

Inspector Morse.

I bet you love opera and you go round
solving lots of crimes with a bloke

Louis. The only thing I've got in common
with Morse is we both like beer. And

besides, he never seems to get off with
a bird.

Well, there's no worries there.

Now can I ask you something?

Anything.

This is not easy for me.

Oh, God, here we go.

You don't want to see me again.

Whenever a bloke says this isn't easy
for me, it's followed by, Sharon, I

like you, but I think we ought to stop
seeing each other. Or, Sharon, I really

like you, but I think I'd better get
dressed. My wife's expecting me home for

dinner. Sharon, cool it. I do want to
see you, OK?

No, what I want to ask you is, can we
use your house?

Well, of course we can.

The person realises I've got my own life
to lead, as long as you don't make me

make too much noise.

No, no, no. When I say we, I don't mean
you and me.

I mean we, the Met.

Eh? Well, it's like this.

One of my governors, Detective Inspector
Dunford, wants to do a round -the

-clock surveillance of somebody in Brian
Close.

Now, don't ask me who, because I haven't
got a clue.

And as he knows that we go out together,
he had me up in his office this morning

asking me to ask you if it wouldn't be
too much of an inconvenience to set up

your house.

You are joking.

Tracy wouldn't have police in
Dallentrace.

She's always been really nice to me. She
likes you.

She considers you an honorary human
being.

I'm sorry, Cole.

You'll have to tell him now.

That's a bit of a worry.

Because he also added, if it was too
much of an inconvenience, that you could

have the local Nick hassle you and your
sister, and that would be an even worse

inconvenience.

Now, I said to him, I don't want to get
involved.

And he said, you're involved with a
villain's old lady.

Now, if you don't want that to spread
about...

So rag.

I'm sorry, Cheryl.

It'll be all right.

I'll break it gently to Tracy.

I suppose he got your rat arse before he
arsed you.

Not so. No, you look, Sharon.

I don't believe you sometimes.

You've done a lot of bloody stupid
things in your time, but saying yes to

the old bill in my hair, under my roof,
I'm... I'm lost for words.

No, you're not. You're doing just great.

I heard it's a detective inspector.

You may have forgotten it was only a
detective inspector that put our

away. Did me a favour.

I know I'm expected to entertain this
copper, be nice and civil to him, feed

him. Look, they don't want your whole
house, Trace, just one room.

Oh, go on, Trace, please, for Colin.

Or Dunford will make his life a misery.

Look, I'm sorry, Shell, but it's not my
problem.

Look, I only said yes because they're
after a big villain.

I'm not sure, but Colin did imply it
could be an international drugs dealer.

Drugs, huh? Are you sure?

Yeah. Could be that French bloke across
the road, what Dorian fancies.

We don't know nothing about him, do we?

He could be the French Connection.

Drugs, that's different.

If there's one thing I hate more than
coppers, it's drug dealers.

And this is a respectable name.

We've got a conservative MP, for God's
sake.

I'm in Edmonton, yes.

Drugs were rife where you used to live.

I once got offered some coke in the lift
of your old block. Gave the kid a good

smack.

Kid must have loved you.

Smack was expensive round Edmonton.

Don't say nothing in front of Garth,
then.

Hi, Mum.

Hi, Michelle.

Blimey, Garth, where you been? You smell
like the inside of a beer barrel.

It's a stag night.

Richard on my course is only getting
married tomorrow, isn't he?

And he had this stag over in Epping
Forest.

He had strippers, enough food to sink
the Ark Royal. But no drugs.

What? I said, but no drugs.

Mum, no.

There were no drugs.

And even if there were been, I'd have
had nothing to do with them.

The only thing I've ever had up my nose
is Vic Synex.

OK?

OK. Night, Aunt Michelle.

Night, Mum.

Night, Garth.

You're a lucky girl, Trace.

He don't back for the other side. He
don't get involved with gold diggers and

don't talk to trees.

What would the Queen give to have a son
like him?

Good afternoon, madam.

Sorry we're a little late.

I ain't ordered nothing.

What's going on?

Oh, right, you're the filth.

I'm Detective Inspector Greg Dunford.
This is my colleague, Constable

Wheatley. Do you want to see her warrant
card?

No, it's all right. What's with all this
fancy dress and all this gear and all?

You never know who might be snooping
around.

I hear you have some very nosy
neighbours.

One I can think of.

Yeah, well, if she did happen to be
peeping through her curtains, all she'd

is John Lewis delivering a new
dishwasher.

But enough small talk.

We need a bedroom that faith is front
with en suite facilities.

I suppose you want a double bed and all.

This is important.

I'll take two sugars in my tea. Anything
else?

Well, obviously you won't eat regular
meals.

You're considered weakly as a vegan.

Sorry I asked.

Bloody vegans don't eat nothing.

Oh, what a crappy day.

Why is there a dishwasher box in the
hall?

They're here.

Who's here?

Oh, the police.

And they came in disguise.

There's a dishwasher.

Not doing their tea, are you? I ain't
got no choice, have I? They're not

to leave the room for a weekend. One of
them's a vegan.

Got pointy ears, has he?

Right, I'm going for a shower.

Why? You don't smell that bad.

I'm going out with Colin tonight, all
right.

All right, you can use my shower.

Why should I? I've got my own one.

No, you won't.

Eh? Well, they're in your room, aren't
they?

What?

Because I needed a room that faced the
right direction for spying.

Well, your space is the same way.

I ain't having them in my room. I didn't
invite them round here. All right, all

right, forget the shower.

Where am I supposed to sleep?

In the attic room.

Scared of heights?

Well, in the box room.

I'm scared of boxes.

Come on, Trace, I want my room.

With my teddy bear collection in it.
With my bed.

The room with my clothes in my wardrobe.

And my shower that if you don't know how
to fiddle with just right, you get

scum. Who did?

time and I'm not collecting for Jewish
charities.

What do you think I was doing?

Good thing I'm wearing all my rings on.
Who knows what injuries I could have

sustained.

Why was the door locked?

How am I supposed to get in if the
door's locked?

You've got the rules all wrong, door.

Me and Tracy live in this house, so we
come and go through this door.

You live next door, so you come and go
through the door that came with your

house. Please be one to stop the hang of
it.

Tracy'll have a fit.

You know how stroppy she can get after a
difficult visit.

What's so special about today's visit?

Nothing. Just might be a tough one,
that's all.

Is it because there's something
important she has to tell Daryl, or

important she isn't going to tell Daryl?

What are you on about, Dawn? Sharon,
please, don't treat me like a cretin.

much gets past me.

Certainly not if he's got a hairy chest.

Last night, as I was coming home from a
liaison dangereur, I saw her in the

window with a man.

It was me and Colin.

No, it wasn't. The woman went in at the
waist.

I know who it was, Sharon.

OK, Dore, you got me.

There's two detectives upstairs from the
Serious Strumpet Squad keeping an eye

on you, OK?

Very funny.

Right, now I'll tell you what I think,
shall I?

Tracey isn't as innocent as she appears,
is she? She was up there with a man,

wasn't she?

I think you'd better sit down, Dore.

I'm going to tell you something in
complete confidence.

If I find out that you've told a soul,
I'll murder you.

No, worse than that, I'll flambe your
credit cards.

My word, this must be momentous.

Momentous is an understatement.

Now, I want it to go no further than
these four walls, all right?

Cross your heart. I don't cross my
heart, I'm Jewish.

What do you cross?

My cheques.

I'll teach them, I promise.

Tracy has a secret lover.

Well, that much I had worked out for
myself.

But this is no ordinary secret lover.

More a sex puppet.

Their relationship is so fantastic, it
makes even your sex life look mundane.

Impossible.

But there's so much you don't know about
Tracy.

So many deep, dark secrets.

Well, go on.

He's a young Ukrainian sailor who jumped
ship at Tilbury.

He hitched a ride with her. Something
magical happened on the A13 and he's

up there ever since.

She's told him he's free to go, but he
wants to be her sex slave.

The A13, you say?

So, every night, Tracy lets him out of
the attic and into her room for just one

hour.

He takes off all his clothes.

She takes off all her clothes.

But she won't let him touch her.

That way she figures she's still being
faithful to her Daryl.

Oh, I think I've said enough.

Enough. You can't stop now.

I want more.

People pay good money to his store. It's
half as good as these on the 0898s, but

not for me, I might add.

This is a joke, isn't it?

My God.

Is he up there now?

Naked.

Probably oiling his torso, even as we...
Thanks, Carol.

Didn't tell Daryl, and now I feel really
deceitful.

Is he still up there?

I don't know. We haven't had a burglary,
have we? No, I'm afraid it was me. I

was trying to get in and accidentally
put a three -carat baguette through it.

You should watch what you're doing with
your French salad sandwiches.

Are you planning to have it fixed?
Naturally.

Is who still up there, Tracy?

I?

Oh, Garfield.

He was out on the drinks in the small
hours.

Couldn't get him out of bed this
morning.

He had an important lecture, too.

Ten things to do with Jerusalem
artichokes.

Still, never mind.

Dorian can fill him in on eight of them.

Thanks, Captain Seychelles. I only ask
who was upstairs, Tracy, because last

night I saw, silhouetted on your bedroom
blind, a man and a woman.

A slim woman.

It was a little sod.

No wonder he was knackered. He weren't
on the drink, he was on the job.

Told you before about smuggling his
birds back here. No, it can't have been

Garth, because at half past eleven last
night, your son was leaving Emile's

house. I saw him. But I also saw two
people in the window. I know who it was,

Tracy. Sharon has told me.

What, Garth was coming out of the frog's
house?

Yes. They came out together, shook
hands, and then Emile gave Garth an

Didn't see what it was.

Does he speak any English, or are you
learning Ukrainian?

Broke his neck, the two -faced little
dopehead. You know what he was doing,

don't you?

Getting dope from him over there.

What? Oh, don't be silly, Emile's not a
drug dealer.

I told you he was being too nice.

Breakfast in bed, flowers.

He wouldn't know Interflora from Inter
Milan.

My garf's on drugs which he's been
getting from over there and they've

his brain too.

I'm going to go and turn his room over
and find out what he's been taking

the police do.

I've got one of my men in prison, I
don't want two.

Well, perhaps you might get some kind of
discount from British Rail.

He's found 50 quid in his pocket. Where
did he get 50 quid from? Probably

selling his body on the street.

What? Well, he's about as likely as him
being on drugs, isn't he? Well, of

course he ain't on drugs. He wouldn't
have any money if he was on drugs, would

he? No, it's worse.

He ain't buying, he's selling.

Our French connection features have
turned my dad into a drug dealer.

So he's a villain.

He's only following in his father's
footsteps.

I think I'll go. My psychodrama's on a
Friday.

Are you sure the words Ukrainian oiled
torso and A13 mean nothing to you?

Look,

I'm really, really sorry, Shell.

I don't know what came over me, I swear.

You pushed me over the edge.

You're always hitting me.

I'm not.

I never hit you.

Dissected my spammy bra.

Thought it was enough room.

Hi, Mum. Hi, Aunty Shell.

Oh, do I sense some bad vibes here?

Don't talk all druggie in my house.

What? You heard.

What's going down, Aunty Shell? You will
be if you don't mend your ways.

I'm going to ask you a question. I want
you to tell me the truth.

I always tell the truth. Oh, yeah.

Like you don't take drugs.

I don't take drugs.

No, but you sell them. What?

I have been down your jacket and I found
50 quid. Now, that's got to have come

from somewhere.

You've got no right to do that.

Don't talk to me about right.

They'll be reading you your rights if
you don't mend your ways.

Now, Dorian saw you come out of the
frog's house last night and she saw him

you something.

She's jealous because she wanted him to
give her something.

I want an explanation, Garth.

What is all this?

Do you deny that the garlic muncher gave
you money?

Of course not.

Why, ain't it?

Ain't you got no shame?

About what?

About pushing dope.

What? Is that what you think?

It's great to know your mum trusts you,
innit?

So how did you get the money?

The garlic muncher is, in fact, none
other than Emile Barreau. Does that mean

anything to you?

No. I don't watch crime watch France,
say.

Emile Barreau is one of the top chefs in
the world, and he's recently moved to

England to open a country house hotel.

He also cooks for private functions,
VIP.

With me so far?

Not a lot, no.

Well, I saw him at the French bakery
last week.

Must be where Dorian got a carrot
baguette.

And I recognised him from his celebrated
cookbook.

So I plucked up my courage and asked him
if I could watch him in his kitchen.

He said, no -one watches him in his
kitchen, but if I was any good with a

knife, he'd let me dice some carrots for
a private dinner party.

And that's where the 50 quid come from.

50 quid for chopping carrots?

I must be in the wrong game.

I'm really sorry, Garth. You see, Mum,
most things have a simple explanation.

If only you asked.

Right. I'm going out now to get well and
truly oiled with my mates, who trust

me.

I made a right balls up of that, didn't
I?

Yep.

Have you ever thought of writing a book
on how to handle wayward use?

Mind you, it comes to think of it, it's
more Dorian's line, isn't it?

Look, it ain't easy doing it on your
own. You could lend me some support

sometime. And risk another right
-hanger.

And what was Dorian going on about well
-oiled Ukrainians for?

Promise not to hit me.

No promises.

Well, she saw them upstairs, so I didn't
want to tell her it was the old bill,

so I just said the first thing that came
into my head.

Which was?

That you had a sex puppet stashed in the
attic.

You're sick, you are.

Does she believe me?

How does that prove? We know she's sick.

Come to think of it, none of this aggro
with Garfield would have happened if you

hadn't persuaded me to let Dempsey and
Makepeace into my house.

Well, I've had enough. You can go up
there now and tell them both to sling

hook. Go on.

I can't, Trace.

Can't do to police to sling their hook.

I'll get it.

It's Colin.

Oh, no. You haven't had burglaries, have
you?

Not with two coppers on the primitive.

Yeah, well, they won't be here for much
longer. Because Sharon's just on her way

up to tell him to sling their hook.

I can't, Trace.

Can't you tell him, Cole?

What? How can I? He's a D .I.

Look, I'm sorry, Trace. I mean, talk
about bad career move.

Right, I will.

They're in there, only they said not to
disturb them under any circumstances.

They're not doing anyone any harm, are
they, Tracey? You can't just barge in,

Trace. They could be in the middle of a
really delicate operation.

Excuse me.

Sorry to disturb you, but it's Mrs
Stubbs. Only we found out he ain't in a

French connection.

So I expect you'll be wanting to get
back to the station there.

Go away.

I want to do something big here.

Go away?

This is my house.

playing? Hide the truncheon?

So that little scrubber weren't even a
policewoman?

No. And it seems Dunford's been having a
bit on the side with her for about

three months now.

She works in John Lewis, lives in
Gantill with her mum. And he's married

kids, the dirty sod.

The thing I don't understand is why do
it in my bed?

When you can book into a sleazy hotel
like normal people do.

Well, that's obvious, isn't it? They'd
have to pay for an hotel.

They conned me into letting them stay
here for nothing, and I had to make them

all that vegan food.

It's his wife I feel sorry for.

What?

That's rich coming from the woman that's
tested more beds than Slumberland's

quality control department.

Anyway, Dunford knew Tracy could never
say no to his little request.

So when Sharon gave me the nod, Dunford
took a week's paid leave, told his

missus he was on a course in
Huddersfield.

Why Huddersfield?

Does it matter?

Of course it matters.

She's never used a course in
Huddersfield before, have you?

And then he dresses his girlfriend in a
hired police uniform and the rest is

history. It's a brilliant ruse,
provided, of course, the sheets aren't

nylon. But what I don't understand is,
if they spent all their time in

delicto... What's that mean, then?
Giving her one?

Did they bring all that expensive video
equipment along?

Good point, though.

God, I hope it's not Betamax.

With all...