Original subtitles

What's that gents who's come about then?

Daryl's pension.

Daryl's pension?

Blimey, Trace, he's only 36.

I ain't about to give him a pension.

His pension plan.

What he used to pay into.

Oh.

She know about Daryl then?

No. I said he was working in California.

What do you say that for?

Because it sounds better than saying he's banged up for armed robbery. What

you think?

Hmm.

You see, what I'm concerned about is that things rather came to a stop a few

years ago.

Yeah, things did come to a bit of a stop then.

Mr Stubbs made some sort of career move.

Yeah, you could say that, sort of.

Hmm.

I'm worried about all these years going by with nothing in them.

You're telling me.

Of course, a few years ago, Mr Stubbs did put in that very large sum.

But then all of a sudden, he sort of stopped.

Yes. Um... Yes?

What, a very large sum?

Sort of sudden -like?

Yes. He came into some money, I expect.

Well, yes, in a way.

A lot of money did come his way.

After his hand, sort of thing. But I wasn't clear about what happened to it

Not entirely.

Ah, but as I say, nothing since 1989.

And we were afraid that there'd been an oversight.

How much was it for, this payment in 1989?

1989? Yeah, this big chunk.

How much was it exactly?

No, no, no.

The large payment was made in 1988.

Oh, no, it couldn't have been. It was 1999 when he'd done the job.

I mean, at the big contract, you know.

His 1989 payment was perfectly normal. It was in 1988 that he made the major

contribution.

Oh, yeah.

There it is. Blimey.

Do you'll be seeing him soon? Oh, yeah. Every two weeks. Never miss.

Such an awful journey for you. Oh, it ain't so bad. Two to Victoria, then the

train. I meant the flight.

What flight?

Oh, the flight to California after Victoria and the train to Heathrow. That

flight.

Well, you get used to it.

Ain't so bad if they show a good film.

He'll be there a long time, will he?

Years.

Oh, Lord.

So awful separation, isn't it?

You're not kidding.

Poor you.

It must seem like a prison sentence.

Well, this is going to roll up to an absolute packet.

That's what I'm worried about.

Oh, yeah.

Must be heartbreaking, though.

Knowing you're going to be rich.

You must be half distracted with it.

What I mean, Miss Sarkatak, 1993, is where did the money come from?

Well, Daryl is a convicted bank robber.

This is a large and unexplained sum of money.

Using your skill and judgement, put two and two together.

He done no bank robbing then. He only did one job and he got banged up for it.

He wouldn't lie to me.

Where else could it have come from?

Well, the business, I suppose.

Well, look at the accounts for that year. Why?

It'll give us a clue.

I mean, it has to be explained somehow, doesn't it?

It can't appear on his tax return as income from armed robbery, can it?

You can't rely on tax returns, Dawn.

They won't necessarily tell you anything. I'm an accountant's wife,

well aware of the approximate nature of tax returns.

Marcus fires his clients' accounts under fiction and non -fiction, drama,

documentary and myths and legends.

Nonetheless, it's... a starting point.

Oh, well, look, either counts. You're right.

Good. I'll look later.

Right.

Why don't you... What? What?

You know, look now. I don't mind.

I think that's something I should do my own. It being Daryl's private business

and that. Oh.

Oh, yes.

Quite.

Hmm.

Yes? Yes.

Well, accounts are not always the easiest of things to follow. If you do

help, I would be only too delighted. I do have some experience in these

Oh, that's really nice of you, Dawn.

Oh, very much.

Yes. We'll let you know if you do.

Yes.

Well...

I tried them new corn burgers with the crispy crumb coating they've got down

Sainsbury's door.

You hear them laugh like that? They're really tasty, aren't they, Cheryl? Yeah,

they are. You should give them a go.

Shut up!

What?

You miserable pair of smug, smirking, common little cockneys.

I'd like to crispy crumb a pair of you.

What? I... Leading me on about your tutney -hatey little mystery, exciting

interest, then shutting me out like I'm just some nosy neighbour.

in the first place, then? Leaving me on only to cast me aside?

There are names for girls like you.

You'd just better hope you never need my help in the future. That's all I can

say.

Corn burgers.

Oh!

What's sundries?

I don't know, but they're dead pricey. He spent a packet on them.

This and that, I suppose.

No, this and that's miscellaneous.

He spent a packet on them and all.

Small this and that's. Tips and that. No, he done tips and gratuities here.

He spent enough on tips and gratuities to open a couple of restaurants and a

small cab rank.

And it was a business. He had expenses.

Yeah, well, I don't reckon he got this money bank robbing anyway.

Why not?

Because according to this, he'd have claimed for shotgun cartridges, stocking

masks, and wear and tear on the getaway car.

Well, it ain't here, is it?

Well, I can't see it.

I don't get it. He wouldn't lie about his pension contributions because they

you off tax for them.

So where is it?

It must be here somewhere.

We...

computations, depreciations and what's -name.

Oh, I can't make my head not tower that.

Neither can I.

But you know a woman who can.

Nice big plate of humble pie, Trace. Go down a treat.

Hmm.

I think Marcus would have done a little better on sundries.

Very modest sundries, it seems to me.

Well, that all seems shipshape and professional.

Well?

Well what?

Where's the pension contribution?

Oh, that won't be here.

Why not?

These are 1989's accounts.

Well, he put it in in 1989.

Exactly. So you need 1990's accounts.

An accountant can't do the accounts till the year's over, can he?

Course not.

Oh, no.

You need tax year 1990 to 91.

May I?

Please do.

Oh, there it is.

There it is.

Yeah.

Capital gains, NQ.

Income tax, NQ.

Corporation tax, NQ.

What's all that mean?

What's it all mean, Dore?

Oh, well, I'd have to examine the whole document very carefully to answer that,

and I don't really think I should.

It being your private business.

I wouldn't want a prize.

in any way.

Fair's fair, Dorian.

I think we're done grovelling.

Tracy gave you a really good telephone grovel to get you to come over here.

Then we went into Super Deluxe Mega Grovel Hyperdrive for at least ten

to get you to look at the accounts.

I'm dead sorry we were rude. I apologise.

but I think we are getting dangerously close to overplaying our hand here.

I'm sorry I shut you out, doll. I apologise.

I'm really sorry.

Now, button up and get your mince pies on that and tell us where it came from.

NQ means non -qualifying.

It's free of all tax because... he inherited it.

It's bequeathed. There.

He inherited it.

Who from?

He never mentioned it. Who from?

Who's from? Henry Michael Stapleton. Who's he?

Who's he?

Strange to relate, I have no idea.

Well, see what happened.

This geezer wanted a massive great conservatory, but he was gibbering a bit

about the price.

Yeah. So I said, if it's a cash job, we could do it cheaper, because it wouldn't

go through the books, and I wouldn't have to pay tax on it.

And I gave him a bit of a wink.

Oh, yeah.

Snag was, he was a tax inspector.

What did he say?

Said he'd never heard of anything like it before.

What, he'd never heard of a builder wanting cash?

No, he'd never heard of a conservatory as cheap as that.

We did his, one for his mum, two for his brother -in -law, and it led on to a

load of work.

Blimey. So we all made a load of dosh, and this tax inspector says, why don't

you put it in a pension scheme?

You pay less tax on the money that goes through the books kosher.

And I said, yeah, but I mean, they're going to say, where's all this dosh come

from? And what did he say?

He said, why don't you inherit it?

And I looked at him a bit baffled, and he gives me a bit of a wink.

A wink like that?

Yeah, just like that, yeah.

And I suddenly realised how an ordinary grade two tax inspector can afford a

four -bedder in Torridge with a conservatory the size of a ballroom

back.

He's into dodgy legacies.

So we give him a bit of a drink and he fixes us up with Uncle Henry.

God rest his soul.

It's a nice little scheme that, Trace. Should be worth a quarter mil when the

time comes.

You sure you didn't rob another bank?

Trace, I'm telling you the truth.

You don't believe me? Ask Chris. He was in on it.

Chris? First time we worked together.

I gave him a little present.

Not sure what he did with it.

What? Well, don't you believe me?

No. What did you do with it?

Well, um, you know, it wasn't that much.

I never got anything like as much as Dal.

Look, he just gave me a bit of a drink sort of thing, you know.

How much?

Well, um, it wasn't a lot, you know.

How much?

Well, it was a long time ago, Shell.

How much? Well, I don't remember exactly.

To the nearest thousand.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

It wasn't anything like as much as that.

Wasn't it?

Perhaps I'd better ask Darren. Oh, well, maybe it was. Probably.

Nearly a thousand.

Grease. Well, say a couple. No more.

Two grand.

No more than five shall on my life.

Five thousand pound.

Shall. Five grand.

Daryl puts this into a pension plan. They've got a quarter of milk to look

forward to.

What did you do with our five grand?

Well, um, you know.

No.

No, Chris, no.

We done ums, we done wells, we done you knows.

We've had enough of them now.

Now we are moving on to plain, simple English.

With proper made -up words.

And a straightforward sentence.

Like, um... Well, Shell, I was knocking off this bimbo with big knockers at the

time. And she asked me nicely, so I gave her the money.

Or... How'd you find that out?

What? Oh, kill that, Daryl.

I don't believe this. Look, Sharon... What am I saying? Of course I believe

this. Look, I never gave it to her.

Really? She earned it, did she?

Her services rendered, was it? Oh, leave it out, shall.

Look, I invested it with her.

What? Well, she's a financial advisor, you know.

You invested five grand with some woman?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

What did you invest it in, exactly?

Well, it's complicated.

Bonds, trusts, and what's names?

All done abroad for tax reasons.

It's very high -powered, you know.

Ooh, sounds sensational.

Thank God you never did nothing low -powered with it. Like putting it into a

proper pension plan like that fool Daryl did.

Sharon. What was her name?

Annalise Morovia.

What?

I'm not absolutely certain that was her real name, to tell you the truth.

She sort of skipped off.

I kind of lost touch.

Well, that's why I never told you before. You know, I was done.

She went totally missing.

Look, loads of people would like to know where she is.

Have you got anything to prove that you actually own this investment?

Well, she said she'd hang on to all that for me.

Saved me losing it.

Dead helpful, weren't you?

Wait here.

I ain't going nowhere, girl.

For four years, two months and nine days, I ain't.

Yeah, I remember her.

We'd done her a conservatory.

He never slept with a shell.

Didn't he?

Nah, no way.

He wanted to.

That's why he was cracking on he was a big -time investor.

But we're talking a class bird here.

And Chris ain't got no chance of a class bird, has he?

Oh, I'm sorry, Shane.

We were married.

He couldn't have done the work without me.

I did his housework, his laundry, everything.

I'd even have given him his conjugal rights if he wanted them.

Of course it's mine.

Well, he seemed to have put half of southern England under glass.

Well, he was doing well.

Oh, that's my brochure.

That is well done.

Very upmarket.

No need to sound so surprised.

I've got it.

Here it is.

Miss Annalise Moravia. One conservatory as per plan.

Woodside Close.

What number?

Doesn't say.

Shame we can't get round the back to say like.

Well, we can't.

So, ring on a bell, show them the brochure and say, is there a

this in the street?

I think we're burglars on a recce.

If only we could get round the back to see for ourselves.

We've tried and we can't, Mum. Now, whatever happens, don't ask to see

Morovia. Why not? Because they might alert her or it might even be her and

she'll pretend to be someone else.

Well, what do we say then? Well, we adopt some rules.

We could say we was from the District Surveyor's Office, come to inspect the

conservatory. Five years after it was put in.

You've got a terrible backlog because of the recession.

I don't have less of a backlog in a recession. No, local councils always

terrible backlog.

I mean, they're hopeless incompetence, especially this one. It's Labour bound

be a disaster.

What?

I said, Labour... Excuse me?

Excuse me? Labour?

A disaster?

Excuse me while I die laughing?

Who were the clowns that gave this country the worst recession in history,

The recession is a worldwide phenomenon.

Labour councils are famously useless, paying people to stay home on the sick,

running up huge debts, erecting day centres for disabled black lesbians.

look, I'll shut it, you two.

This ain't question time.

Garth's too young to be a district surveyor anyway.

All right.

One of us will have to do it, then. Oh, no.

They'll expect it to be a man.

Why?

Why should it be a man?

It makes me sick, that. There's no reason... Oh, don't launch into a great

feminist diatribe, Sharon.

We do not wish to raise suspicion.

The average person would expect the district surveyor to be a man.

She's right, Sharon.

Yes. Well, the average person would expect the district surveyor to be over

Say you are from the district surveyor's office.

You just have a foothold in the conservatory's department.

Those council employers are dreadful, spotty. Schoolboys know what else to

employ anyway.

I'm sorry, girl.

I mean, I didn't... Oh, you know what I mean.

How come I don't already know the number of the house if I'm from the district

surveyor's office?

Because you lost the number.

Well, how did I lose it?

There was a fire in the office.

It would have been in the papers.

A very small fire.

Over the street.

You don't know the number?

I haven't got a tie.

I haven't got a tie on you, have you, Mum?

Amazingly, no, I haven't.

I should have a tie.

If I'm from the District Surveyor's Office.

There's an Oxfam shop round the corner, isn't there?

Give me strength.

I'll see what they've got.

Bluey green would be nice, Mum.

Go with my new jacket.

Yeah. Or red.

They've got a plummy sort of red.

Right. Trace, while you're there... Have a quick shufty, see if they've got

anything decent in a size 20, will you?

I don't get stripes.

I don't like stripes.

Look, just buy him a tie, any tie, please.

See if they've got a clipboard or a spirit level or something. Make it look

convincing. Oh, of course, yes.

Get him a theodolite with a brass tripod.

Carpool with a bit of rag -tie round it. Let us not send him on this hazardous

mission without the proper equipment.

No need to be sarky.

Look.

All we want to do is find out where this wretched conservatory is.

Is all this input from wardrobes and props really necessary?

It's like being on location with Steven Spielberg.

I think we should get round the back to have a look.

Shut up, Tracy!

Ain't bad, that toy, is it?

It's horrible, Mum.

Now, what shall I say?

Say these conservatories are liable to fall down unless they have a

modification.

What if they're the ones what got the conservatory?

When they don't get their modification, they might phone the council.

And before we know it, we'll have the old bill round here looking for a bloke

a naff tie who's been acting suspicious.

Yeah, they don't say much for my Daryl's conservatories neither.

I can cover that.

If they have got it, I'll say, aha, a stub stalwart.

These are the finest conservatories in the land.

You've got no worries with this one.

Well done, Garth.

A masterstroke. I am quite weak with admiration.

Now, would you please go and ring a bell and find out where this sodding glass

house is?

There's some hope of finding this woman before it's time to start drawing the

wretched pension.

Good afternoon, madam.

I'm from the... Not today, thank you.

No, no, you see, I'm from the... What are you selling, anyway?

Nothing. What's that?

Well, this is why I'm here.

You see, I'm from the... I don't want one of those.

No, no, you see, I'm from the... Hate the things.

Woman in number nine's got one of those.

Exactly like that.

Some appalling thug put it in. He went to prison, you know.

Did he?

As it goes.

She fell for it a treat.

Number nine.

So now what? Well, either the Morovia woman is in there, or someone who may

have a forwarding address.

But they're hardly likely to just give it to someone that knocks on the door,

are they?

Oh, we'll have to adopt another rose.

We'll have a family of them before long.

I've got an idea.

Oh, good.

We'll even be involved in purchasing outfits of clothes and lorry loads of

equipment.

Good afternoon.

We represent Stubbs Conservatory. It's clearly the best.

We're looking for Miss Annalise Morovia.

Oh, well, she doesn't live here anymore.

You see, she's won a prize, and we need to find her.

I'm from the District Surveyor's Office, Conservatory's department.

We're the judging panel.

Made up of a representative cross -section of society.

I'm an ordinary housewife. I'm a single, working -class woman. And I represent

the more upmarket element.

And she's won, you say?

Yes. But she had the conservatory put in more than five years ago.

There were various delays.

Do you have a forwarding address for her?

Oh, um, yes, yes.

Yes, here it is.

Uh... No.

Hmm.

Don't seem to find it. Oh, well, this doesn't matter. It's in the phone book.

What? The phone book. Yes, here it is.

Or did you want her business address? That's in this directory.

Business address?

Yes. Annalise Monrovia Investments, PLC. I had to look it up once.

What's she want exactly?

How can I help you, Mrs Theodopoulopoulos?

Well, I want to know what it's worth, don't I?

You see, this is your husband's pension scheme.

He's in prison, Miss Moravia.

He's a useless, lying scumbag, and I gave him seven years of my life.

What's his is mine.

He's, uh... He was a builder, wasn't he?

Sort of. He done building, laying about, and bank robbing.

There are better career plans.

And if you could take exams for getting your leg over, you'd have got full marks

for effort.

Oh, yes, I remember him now.

And absolutely nothing for the coursework.

Believe me, what's his is definitely mine.

Mr. Theodopoulopoulos wouldn't take my advice at the time. So much so that I

him to sign this declaration.

What's this Northern Recovery Fund? Oh, that was my suggestion for him. He'd

have trebled his money.

But he didn't do this one.

No, he did this.

Investment in various companies, including BCCI, and Robert Maxwell's

holding.

It's just as well he didn't have the money to be a name at Lloyd's, or he'd

gone for that as well.

You couldn't have just done those three.

Oh, good Lord, no.

But that does give you an idea of the quality of the investment.

No, he went for an enormous number of tiny holdings. It's the most expensive

to trade.

So there's hardly any left.

Well... Look, however small it is, it's mine and I'm having it.

Mrs Theodore offered us all that is left is a bill for £210 brokerage charges.

Not interest.

We've been trying to get in touch with Mr.

Theodopoulopoulos for years.

Now, could you let me have a check now, or shall we invoice you?