Original subtitles

Well, did you get rid of it then?

No, I couldn't.

Why not?

I tried.

I turned the water on full and flushed it down the plug hole. But every time I

stopped it came back up again.

I tried three times and every time it clambered back up like Shelley Winters

of Design Adventure.

What are you going to do with a hairy little beggar then?

I've decided to adopt it.

You are kidding.

No, look.

I bet I might call him Norman.

Why?

Because he reminds me of Norman LeMond.

He is.

You can still hear me, though.

Norman!

See, it looks at me.

You want to watch your Daryl, don't try and get too committed.

Anyway, come on, we're going to be late for our visit.

You can't sit there all day like a beached whale.

Yes, I can.

Oh, yeah, so you can.

I bet I'll take these for the journey.

been eating then?

Well, I tried talking to them, Trace, but I didn't get much response.

So, Mel, you don't like that?

No, but I like the chocolate on them, though.

Eh? I sucked all the chocolate off them and then... I sucked all the chocolate

away.

Oh, that's horrible!

Oh! Oh!

What?

Oh, got a nasty twinge then. What, like the one you had at breakfast?

Yeah.

Here, Trace. What?

Identical twinge.

I'm surprised I don't ask you to write speeches for John Major.

Come on.

Better leave a message.

It's all right. Already done it? Yeah.

We're out.

You can't just say we're out.

Hello. I'm afraid Tracy Stubbs and Sharon Theodopoulos can't come to the

at the moment because we're out.

Much better, Tracy.

Much better.

Michael? Yeah?

Considering the company?

Did you bring me anything?

Yeah, yeah.

Lovely.

Oh, why aren't you eating any? You normally shove these down your throat

starving little piglet.

I bought me own.

Oh.

Mmm.

Yummy, yummy.

Hey, that's not fair.

Yours are chocolate coated.

Life's a bitch, isn't it, Chris?

Anyway, they're soft -scented. Oh, yeah? Your tooth playing you up again?

No, it ain't.

I just fancied some fondant creams, that's all.

I'll keep him for a few days. Sharon hates spiders.

Most women do. Not me.

No, well, you're special.

So, made any new mates?

Nah.

There's a bloke on the land who's trying to get in with us, though. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, see him over there?

Used to be a jockey on the outside.

Made a fortune fixing horse races.

He says his mates are still at it.

Offered me a red -hot chip this afternoon.

Did you go for it?

Joke. I don't want to get involved with a pathetic little crook like that, do I?

Good for you, love.

I mean, if he was any good, he wouldn't have been nicked, would he?

He's brilliant.

He made a fortune out of racing without ever riding a winner.

He gave me a red -hot tip this morning.

Surprised you can sit down, Chris.

Don't matter.

Listen, about this horse, right?

You'll never guess what me and the lads are going to do.

Form a string quartet?

Of course not.

No. We're each going to put a tenner in for a hundred quid bet.

But mum's the word, eh?

Don't do that, Chris.

You never know what might fall out.

So how are you going to put this bet on, then?

Oh, that's what Terry the Torturer said.

No worries, I said.

My Sharon won't let us down. She'll put it on for us.

Haven't you heard the latest, Chris?

Eh? There's been a change of plan.

Oh, what's happened?

Sharon says she won't do it.

Oh, no. When did she say that, then?

Just now.

Here, hang on. Why not?

Because I'm sick of doing your dirty work.

Oh, come on. It learns a packet when it comes in. Look, it's 60 to 1, Sharon.

And I'll split my winnings with you.

My tenner will earn us 200 quid each.

300. Oh, yes.

Well, never had much of an eye for figures.

Probably why I married you.

I hope you don't expect me to lend you this tenner. Ah, of course not.

Here.

It's all right. His knaps have just dropped.

Great. Now listen, this horse, right, is my Aunt Nellie.

In a free 30 -inch episode tomorrow.

Right?

100 quid to win. You got that?

Yeah, all right.

Well, don't you want to write it down?

I think I can remember one sentence, Chris.

Oh, all right.

Oh!

Oh! What's up?

My tooth.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's have a look.

Oh, yeah.

I can see it. It's that one there, isn't it?

Oh!

I saw something horrible in the bathroom.

What, in the mirror, was it?

No, in the sink.

Your Norman's escaped.

No, he ain't. I like to let him have a little run around.

It's cruel to keep animals locked up all day.

Yeah, well, it gave me a real turn.

Oh, so it wasn't your tooth that made you scream then?

No. My toothache has completely cleared up.

Vanished. Disappeared.

Good. I've made you some toast.

It's nice and crunchy.

Go on.

No, it's got butter on it. Trying to get a bit of weight off.

Well, eat your nut crunchies then. They're low in fat and high in fibre.

I think I'll just have a banana.

That's it, I'm ringing the dentist.

No need, I've already rung him.

Well, when was that then? I've been up since seven.

About quarter past six.

and he went in early because he couldn't sleep. Thought he'd polish his drill.

And they're fully booked.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they all are.

It's the health service cuts, apparently.

But I said to him, I said, I want someone to pull my tooth out today.

But he said, that's not modern dental practice. Oh, no, no. Current thinking

to just leave the toothache alone and it'll disappear after a few days.

Thought you didn't have a toothache.

See? Working already.

Right, well, I'll just get another opinion, shall I? I'll ring another

see what he says.

What's happened to the pages between degreasing equipment and department

I don't need a dentist.

I just need a little drop of whiskey.

Look, I don't think getting smashed is a long -term solution.

moaning last night. It was like a soul in torment.

I think it was probably Sharon. She had a bit of trouble sleeping, didn't you?

So what was she doing?

Why didn't you stop her?

How long has she been an alcoholic?

It's her tooth.

She won't go to the dentist. She's got a phobia about it, amongst other things.

It isn't a phobia.

Well, what is it then?

It's just that rubber mask coming down over your face and the big leather chair

and... That feeling of being totally helpless.

Oh, stop it, Sharon. You're turning me on.

That's typical of you, isn't it? You wouldn't understand.

What have you ever had a phobia about?

Having to buy a jewellery at Argos?

Holding a dinner party and finding out there's nothing in the fridge but spam.

Actually, if you must know, Sharon, I do understand irrational fear.

Yes? In fact, I suffer from a very similar feeling.

Really? It's horrible, isn't it? Yes, it's awful.

When, you know, when they look at you.

Yeah. When you never know what they're about to do. Yeah, that's it. The way

they suddenly come towards you. The way they hide in corners and lower

themselves from the ceiling, waving their hairy legs at you. Yeah, yeah.

Dentists.

What?

Dentists. Lower themselves from the ceiling.

Don't be ridiculous, Sharon.

You've got to talk about dentists, you silly cow. I'm trying to tell you, I've

always had an enormous fear of... of... S -P -I -D -E

-R -S -es.

Spiders.

Oh!

Spiders. She's got a thing about them and all.

Horrible eyes.

Big legs.

Hairy bodies.

You should meet my in -laws.

The way they clamber all over you when you're not looking.

You have met my in -laws.

Anyway, no, the important thing right now is that you conquer your irrational

fear of dentists, and I think I have the answer.

I know a very special dentist.

Six foot two.

Hazel eyes.

Beautifully manicured nails.

I might announce... No, honestly, Tracy, he has the most incredible technique.

You're not helping, Dorian. No, no, I'm talking about hypnotism, Tracy.

He hypnotises his patients to relax them before he starts to treat them. Oh, no,

no. I got caught out with a hypnotist once at a hen night.

Promise me I won't do anything silly.

Then he showed me Polaroids of me munching raw onions and doing

Hitler.

Robert is a very respected practitioner.

In any case, hypnotists can't make you do anything you don't want to do.

there's nothing to watch.

That's all right for you to say, isn't it?

You're not the one that's going to face your fear, are you?

Well, I could if I wanted.

Yeah, I'll bet.

You just don't believe I have any self -control, do you?

No.

I'll face my phobia just to show it can be done.

But you can't. All right, then, I'll do it.

Sometime.

No time like the present, Dawn.

What do you mean?

Norman. Norman.

Who's Norman?

God almighty, it's you.

Yes, very big.

No, no, no. It might be poisonous. It might run up your arm and lay eggs in

hair and then crawl in your... year old and never come out again.

There we are. Done it.

No, you didn't.

Don't be so stupid, Sharon. You just see her.

They don't care.

I thought she was going to kiss it or eat it or something.

Come on, you're going to the dentist.

I'm not. You promised.

I lied. Sharon. Look, there is no reason to be afraid of Robert.

If at any time you feel queasy or afraid, he'll just stop.

And once he's got you hypnotised, you'll find yourself munching onions and

pretending to be Hitler.

It's not like that, Sharon. It's to help you control your mind.

Well, I'll show you if you like.

You can do hypnotism. Well, I learnt the basics on my psychology course. Think I

still have my notes?

Yeah. I'm not just a hauntingly beautiful face.

And by now, you should be feeling completely relaxed and at one with

Sharon, can you hear me?

Yes.

How do you feel?

I feel really nice.

Would you say you were at peace with the world?

Yes.

Completely. Right.

Sharon, I'm going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer them

truthfully.

Right.

I'm going to ask you about Dorian.

Now, think hard.

And tell me, truthfully, what you really think of her.

I think... Yes?

I think she's warm -hearted and generous.

Really?

And she's been a really good friend to me and Tracy.

She can be a vein.

Snobby. Stuck -up care sometimes.

Yes, thank you, Sharon.

Bitchy.

Conniving. Yes, and you're a fat cockney slut.

If you say so.

All right, come on, you're winding me up, aren't you?

I'm going to bring you out of this hypnotic trance now, and you'll forget

fear of dentists, piranhas, and spiders.

Right, bringing the subject out of the trance.

Remember to get notes from Alison Pearce.

Must have been a week I was skiing in Cloisters.

Well, it can't be too difficult. Right.

Okay.

Out you come.

Three, two, one, wake up.

Are you awake now?

Why do I wake?

Oh, there, you see?

Nothing to be afraid of.

Yes.

Right.

Two cheeseburgers, large fries and a chocolate milkshake.

What are you talking about?

You did say chocolate, didn't you?

I didn't ask for a milkshake.

All right, Dawn, how's it going?

Well, she responded very, very, very well.

So is she going to this special dentist of yours?

Um, she didn't say.

But she's not afraid of the dentist anymore?

Um, she didn't say.

Well, what did she say exactly, Dorian?

She seems to think she's working in McDonald's.

That is so stupid, Dorian. She's winding you up.

Come on, Sharon, this is stupid.

Uh, uh, back of the queue, please. This lady was first.

Hang on, I ain't standing for this.

No need to, madam.

Plenty of seats upstairs.

Sharon, come on. All right, all right. Going as fast as I can.

What's going on, Dorian? Look, I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems. Sharon, you

know who I am, don't you?

You're Dorian Green, you see?

Enjoy your meal, Mrs. Green. Have a nice day now.

Dorian, you've turned my sister into a braindead zombie.

I'm serious.

You'd better get on the phone to your so -called hypnodentist and get this

sorted out now.

I'm sure Robert will be able to fix it. Yeah, well, he'd better, or I'll flatten

you. All right, I can sense you're edgy.

It's all right, shall.

She's gone.

Oh, she forgot her order.

It's me, Tracy.

Hello, Tracy.

How may I help you?

Less nuggets, large fries and a Coke.

Nuggets, large fries and a Coke.

Come on, shall.

Enough's enough.

Hold the Coke.

All done.

You should be all right now.

Now, Sharon, I'm about to bring you out of your trance.

And when I do, you'll have forgotten any discomfort.

You'll remember nothing.

I'm Bob.

Bob Andrews.

You're a dentist?

No, I'm just dressed like this for a bit.

What happened to your mouth twice? I've lost my mouth! Oh, brilliant.

What was wrong with it? I'll tell you later.

Now, Sharon, you've been hypnotised. You won't remember anything about today,

but your memory will gradually return, so try not to worry about it too much,

OK?

I'll send on the bill in a couple of days.

Okay. Come this. Let's get you on. No, no, no.

Hang about.

This is a real great through this.

I've done it.

I've actually invented it.

Oh, yeah.

With a little help from your friends.

Oh, let's go and have a celebration drink. I think we need one. Come on.

stop off at Enrico's. Come on.

There you go.

Followed by... King of the Ants, Baby Barnes, Little C, with my Aunt Nellie,

putting in a final surgery. Go on, son, come on.

Come on, come on.

It's my Aunt Nellie.

Yes!

What did I tell you? I told you we was on a winning streak, didn't I? What were

we shouting about?

We're in the money!

We're in the money!

A word, Sir Dopplopolis? Yes.

I hope you won't miss his foot ad bet on. No worries.

She'll be spending tonight making neat little piles of crisp tenners. Promise.

Good. Because if she ain't, you're going to look like a snooker table at the end

of a match. Eh?

No balls.

It's only got one as it is.

All

right,

but I'm ending up legless.

How can we? We already are legless.

Oh, cheer up, door. Might never happen.

I don't want to talk to you.

Oh, don't be like that, door.

It's up to you, Sharon. Either you can take your arm off my shoulder or I'll

stab you in the eye with my nail.

She's definitely got the amp trace.

The hump.

I think I'm entitled to the hump.

Enrico's is the most exciting Exclusive wine bar in suburban Essex.

I have been going there for 15 years.

Until today, I was the most valued customer.

Until, that is, I am frog -marched in there by a foul -mouthed cockney who

insists on calling all the way to Tosh.

And he dribbles shabbily down the front while shouting out, Trace, I think I've

got a drinking problem. Ha, ha, ha.

Be fair, doll. Shall we spit a little bit?

Yeah. I've got most of it in.

You are supposed to sip vintage wine, not swim it back like Tizer.

Be fair, Dor.

I stood my round, didn't I? Yes, you did. I did, thank you. You did. Thank

Have you remembered where you got that underpin from yet?

No. Just materialised in my car.

Maybe the tooth fairy brought it.

Oh,

cheer up, you miserable old cow.

today? I suppose so.

And I couldn't have done it without you, Duff.

You may be a stuck -up pain in the backside, but you've been a good

mate to me.

And I want to have a drink with you.

To us.

To us.

And to Norman.

To Norman. Why not?

Where is the hair in the beast, anyway?

I don't know. They're coming in here somewhere.

Norman! Norman!

Come to Aunty Sharon now!

Norman! Norman, you naughty, naughty boy!

Where is he?

I'm sorry, Trace.

Sharon?

I'll get you a new spider tomorrow, eh?

No, it won't have the same personality as normal.

Oh, look!

Message on your phone, message on your phone.

Sharon, it's Chris.

What did I tell you?

My Aunt Nellie!

What a mover!

Told you, didn't I?

Hey!

Have they been putting ecstasy in the prison hall?

What's he going on about? He hasn't even got an Aunt Nellie.

Oh, my God.

I just realised where I got the hundred quid from.

Four quid.