All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s05e08 Mind Over Matter

Well, did you get rid of it then?

No, I couldn't.

Why not?

I tried.

I turned the water on full and flushed
it down the plug hole. But every time I

stopped it came back up again.

I tried three times and every time it
clambered back up like Shelley Winters

of Design Adventure.

What are you going to do with a hairy
little beggar then?

I've decided to adopt it.

You are kidding.

No, look.

I bet I might call him Norman.

Why?

Because he reminds me of Norman LeMond.

He is.

You can still hear me, though.

Norman!

See, it looks at me.

You want to watch your Daryl, don't try
and get too committed.

Anyway, come on, we're going to be late
for our visit.

You can't sit there all day like a
beached whale.

Yes, I can.

Oh, yeah, so you can.

I bet I'll take these for the journey.

been eating then?

Well, I tried talking to them, Trace,
but I didn't get much response.

So, Mel, you don't like that?

No, but I like the chocolate on them,
though.

Eh? I sucked all the chocolate off them
and then... I sucked all the chocolate

away.

Oh, that's horrible!

Oh! Oh!

What?

Oh, got a nasty twinge then. What, like
the one you had at breakfast?

Yeah.

Here, Trace. What?

Identical twinge.

I'm surprised I don't ask you to write
speeches for John Major.

Come on.

Better leave a message.

It's all right. Already done it? Yeah.

We're out.

You can't just say we're out.

Hello. I'm afraid Tracy Stubbs and
Sharon Theodopoulos can't come to the

at the moment because we're out.

Much better, Tracy.

Much better.

Michael? Yeah?

Considering the company?

Did you bring me anything?

Yeah, yeah.

Lovely.

Oh, why aren't you eating any? You
normally shove these down your throat

starving little piglet.

I bought me own.

Oh.

Mmm.

Yummy, yummy.

Hey, that's not fair.

Yours are chocolate coated.

Life's a bitch, isn't it, Chris?

Anyway, they're soft -scented. Oh, yeah?
Your tooth playing you up again?

No, it ain't.

I just fancied some fondant creams,
that's all.

I'll keep him for a few days. Sharon
hates spiders.

Most women do. Not me.

No, well, you're special.

So, made any new mates?

Nah.

There's a bloke on the land who's trying
to get in with us, though. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, see him over there?

Used to be a jockey on the outside.

Made a fortune fixing horse races.

He says his mates are still at it.

Offered me a red -hot chip this
afternoon.

Did you go for it?

Joke. I don't want to get involved with
a pathetic little crook like that, do I?

Good for you, love.

I mean, if he was any good, he wouldn't
have been nicked, would he?

He's brilliant.

He made a fortune out of racing without
ever riding a winner.

He gave me a red -hot tip this morning.

Surprised you can sit down, Chris.

Don't matter.

Listen, about this horse, right?

You'll never guess what me and the lads
are going to do.

Form a string quartet?

Of course not.

No. We're each going to put a tenner in
for a hundred quid bet.

But mum's the word, eh?

Don't do that, Chris.

You never know what might fall out.

So how are you going to put this bet on,
then?

Oh, that's what Terry the Torturer said.

No worries, I said.

My Sharon won't let us down. She'll put
it on for us.

Haven't you heard the latest, Chris?

Eh? There's been a change of plan.

Oh, what's happened?

Sharon says she won't do it.

Oh, no. When did she say that, then?

Just now.

Here, hang on. Why not?

Because I'm sick of doing your dirty
work.

Oh, come on. It learns a packet when it
comes in. Look, it's 60 to 1, Sharon.

And I'll split my winnings with you.

My tenner will earn us 200 quid each.

300. Oh, yes.

Well, never had much of an eye for
figures.

Probably why I married you.

I hope you don't expect me to lend you
this tenner. Ah, of course not.

Here.

It's all right. His knaps have just
dropped.

Great. Now listen, this horse, right, is
my Aunt Nellie.

In a free 30 -inch episode tomorrow.

Right?

100 quid to win. You got that?

Yeah, all right.

Well, don't you want to write it down?

I think I can remember one sentence,
Chris.

Oh, all right.

Oh!

Oh! What's up?

My tooth.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's have a look.

Oh, yeah.

I can see it. It's that one there, isn't
it?

Oh!

I saw something horrible in the
bathroom.

What, in the mirror, was it?

No, in the sink.

Your Norman's escaped.

No, he ain't. I like to let him have a
little run around.

It's cruel to keep animals locked up all
day.

Yeah, well, it gave me a real turn.

Oh, so it wasn't your tooth that made
you scream then?

No. My toothache has completely cleared
up.

Vanished. Disappeared.

Good. I've made you some toast.

It's nice and crunchy.

Go on.

No, it's got butter on it. Trying to get
a bit of weight off.

Well, eat your nut crunchies then.
They're low in fat and high in fibre.

I think I'll just have a banana.

That's it, I'm ringing the dentist.

No need, I've already rung him.

Well, when was that then? I've been up
since seven.

About quarter past six.

and he went in early because he couldn't
sleep. Thought he'd polish his drill.

And they're fully booked.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they all are.

It's the health service cuts,
apparently.

But I said to him, I said, I want
someone to pull my tooth out today.

But he said, that's not modern dental
practice. Oh, no, no. Current thinking

to just leave the toothache alone and
it'll disappear after a few days.

Thought you didn't have a toothache.

See? Working already.

Right, well, I'll just get another
opinion, shall I? I'll ring another

see what he says.

What's happened to the pages between
degreasing equipment and department

I don't need a dentist.

I just need a little drop of whiskey.

Look, I don't think getting smashed is a
long -term solution.

moaning last night. It was like a soul
in torment.

I think it was probably Sharon. She had
a bit of trouble sleeping, didn't you?

So what was she doing?

Why didn't you stop her?

How long has she been an alcoholic?

It's her tooth.

She won't go to the dentist. She's got a
phobia about it, amongst other things.

It isn't a phobia.

Well, what is it then?

It's just that rubber mask coming down
over your face and the big leather chair

and... That feeling of being totally
helpless.

Oh, stop it, Sharon. You're turning me
on.

That's typical of you, isn't it? You
wouldn't understand.

What have you ever had a phobia about?

Having to buy a jewellery at Argos?

Holding a dinner party and finding out
there's nothing in the fridge but spam.

Actually, if you must know, Sharon, I do
understand irrational fear.

Yes? In fact, I suffer from a very
similar feeling.

Really? It's horrible, isn't it? Yes,
it's awful.

When, you know, when they look at you.

Yeah. When you never know what they're
about to do. Yeah, that's it. The way

they suddenly come towards you. The way
they hide in corners and lower

themselves from the ceiling, waving
their hairy legs at you. Yeah, yeah.

Dentists.

What?

Dentists. Lower themselves from the
ceiling.

Don't be ridiculous, Sharon.

You've got to talk about dentists, you
silly cow. I'm trying to tell you, I've

always had an enormous fear of... of...
S -P -I -D -E

-R -S -es.

Spiders.

Oh!

Spiders. She's got a thing about them
and all.

Horrible eyes.

Big legs.

Hairy bodies.

You should meet my in -laws.

The way they clamber all over you when
you're not looking.

You have met my in -laws.

Anyway, no, the important thing right
now is that you conquer your irrational

fear of dentists, and I think I have the
answer.

I know a very special dentist.

Six foot two.

Hazel eyes.

Beautifully manicured nails.

I might announce... No, honestly, Tracy,
he has the most incredible technique.

You're not helping, Dorian. No, no, I'm
talking about hypnotism, Tracy.

He hypnotises his patients to relax them
before he starts to treat them. Oh, no,

no. I got caught out with a hypnotist
once at a hen night.

Promise me I won't do anything silly.

Then he showed me Polaroids of me
munching raw onions and doing

Hitler.

Robert is a very respected practitioner.

In any case, hypnotists can't make you
do anything you don't want to do.

there's nothing to watch.

That's all right for you to say, isn't
it?

You're not the one that's going to face
your fear, are you?

Well, I could if I wanted.

Yeah, I'll bet.

You just don't believe I have any self
-control, do you?

No.

I'll face my phobia just to show it can
be done.

But you can't. All right, then, I'll do
it.

Sometime.

No time like the present, Dawn.

What do you mean?

Norman. Norman.

Who's Norman?

God almighty, it's you.

Yes, very big.

No, no, no. It might be poisonous. It
might run up your arm and lay eggs in

hair and then crawl in your... year old
and never come out again.

There we are. Done it.

No, you didn't.

Don't be so stupid, Sharon. You just see
her.

They don't care.

I thought she was going to kiss it or
eat it or something.

Come on, you're going to the dentist.

I'm not. You promised.

I lied. Sharon. Look, there is no reason
to be afraid of Robert.

If at any time you feel queasy or
afraid, he'll just stop.

And once he's got you hypnotised, you'll
find yourself munching onions and

pretending to be Hitler.

It's not like that, Sharon. It's to help
you control your mind.

Well, I'll show you if you like.

You can do hypnotism. Well, I learnt the
basics on my psychology course. Think I

still have my notes?

Yeah. I'm not just a hauntingly
beautiful face.

And by now, you should be feeling
completely relaxed and at one with

Sharon, can you hear me?

Yes.

How do you feel?

I feel really nice.

Would you say you were at peace with the
world?

Yes.

Completely. Right.

Sharon, I'm going to ask you some
questions and I want you to answer them

truthfully.

Right.

I'm going to ask you about Dorian.

Now, think hard.

And tell me, truthfully, what you really
think of her.

I think... Yes?

I think she's warm -hearted and
generous.

Really?

And she's been a really good friend to
me and Tracy.

She can be a vein.

Snobby. Stuck -up care sometimes.

Yes, thank you, Sharon.

Bitchy.

Conniving. Yes, and you're a fat cockney
slut.

If you say so.

All right, come on, you're winding me
up, aren't you?

I'm going to bring you out of this
hypnotic trance now, and you'll forget

fear of dentists, piranhas, and spiders.

Right, bringing the subject out of the
trance.

Remember to get notes from Alison
Pearce.

Must have been a week I was skiing in
Cloisters.

Well, it can't be too difficult. Right.

Okay.

Out you come.

Three, two, one, wake up.

Are you awake now?

Why do I wake?

Oh, there, you see?

Nothing to be afraid of.

Yes.

Right.

Two cheeseburgers, large fries and a
chocolate milkshake.

What are you talking about?

You did say chocolate, didn't you?

I didn't ask for a milkshake.

All right, Dawn, how's it going?

Well, she responded very, very, very
well.

So is she going to this special dentist
of yours?

Um, she didn't say.

But she's not afraid of the dentist
anymore?

Um, she didn't say.

Well, what did she say exactly, Dorian?

She seems to think she's working in
McDonald's.

That is so stupid, Dorian. She's winding
you up.

Come on, Sharon, this is stupid.

Uh, uh, back of the queue, please. This
lady was first.

Hang on, I ain't standing for this.

No need to, madam.

Plenty of seats upstairs.

Sharon, come on. All right, all right.
Going as fast as I can.

What's going on, Dorian? Look, I'm sure
it's not as bad as it seems. Sharon, you

know who I am, don't you?

You're Dorian Green, you see?

Enjoy your meal, Mrs. Green. Have a nice
day now.

Dorian, you've turned my sister into a
braindead zombie.

I'm serious.

You'd better get on the phone to your so
-called hypnodentist and get this

sorted out now.

I'm sure Robert will be able to fix it.
Yeah, well, he'd better, or I'll flatten

you. All right, I can sense you're edgy.

It's all right, shall.

She's gone.

Oh, she forgot her order.

It's me, Tracy.

Hello, Tracy.

How may I help you?

Less nuggets, large fries and a Coke.

Nuggets, large fries and a Coke.

Come on, shall.

Enough's enough.

Hold the Coke.

All done.

You should be all right now.

Now, Sharon, I'm about to bring you out
of your trance.

And when I do, you'll have forgotten any
discomfort.

You'll remember nothing.

I'm Bob.

Bob Andrews.

You're a dentist?

No, I'm just dressed like this for a
bit.

What happened to your mouth twice? I've
lost my mouth! Oh, brilliant.

What was wrong with it? I'll tell you
later.

Now, Sharon, you've been hypnotised. You
won't remember anything about today,

but your memory will gradually return,
so try not to worry about it too much,

OK?

I'll send on the bill in a couple of
days.

Okay. Come this. Let's get you on. No,
no, no.

Hang about.

This is a real great through this.

I've done it.

I've actually invented it.

Oh, yeah.

With a little help from your friends.

Oh, let's go and have a celebration
drink. I think we need one. Come on.

stop off at Enrico's. Come on.

There you go.

Followed by... King of the Ants, Baby
Barnes, Little C, with my Aunt Nellie,

putting in a final surgery. Go on, son,
come on.

Come on, come on.

It's my Aunt Nellie.

Yes!

What did I tell you? I told you we was
on a winning streak, didn't I? What were

we shouting about?

We're in the money!

We're in the money!

A word, Sir Dopplopolis? Yes.

I hope you won't miss his foot ad bet
on. No worries.

She'll be spending tonight making neat
little piles of crisp tenners. Promise.

Good. Because if she ain't, you're going
to look like a snooker table at the end

of a match. Eh?

No balls.

It's only got one as it is.

All

right,

but I'm ending up legless.

How can we? We already are legless.

Oh, cheer up, door. Might never happen.

I don't want to talk to you.

Oh, don't be like that, door.

It's up to you, Sharon. Either you can
take your arm off my shoulder or I'll

stab you in the eye with my nail.

She's definitely got the amp trace.

The hump.

I think I'm entitled to the hump.

Enrico's is the most exciting Exclusive
wine bar in suburban Essex.

I have been going there for 15 years.

Until today, I was the most valued
customer.

Until, that is, I am frog -marched in
there by a foul -mouthed cockney who

insists on calling all the way to Tosh.

And he dribbles shabbily down the front
while shouting out, Trace, I think I've

got a drinking problem. Ha, ha, ha.

Be fair, doll. Shall we spit a little
bit?

Yeah. I've got most of it in.

You are supposed to sip vintage wine,
not swim it back like Tizer.

Be fair, Dor.

I stood my round, didn't I? Yes, you
did. I did, thank you. You did. Thank

Have you remembered where you got that
underpin from yet?

No. Just materialised in my car.

Maybe the tooth fairy brought it.

Oh,

cheer up, you miserable old cow.

today? I suppose so.

And I couldn't have done it without you,
Duff.

You may be a stuck -up pain in the
backside, but you've been a good

mate to me.

And I want to have a drink with you.

To us.

To us.

And to Norman.

To Norman. Why not?

Where is the hair in the beast, anyway?

I don't know. They're coming in here
somewhere.

Norman! Norman!

Come to Aunty Sharon now!

Norman! Norman, you naughty, naughty
boy!

Where is he?

I'm sorry, Trace.

Sharon?

I'll get you a new spider tomorrow, eh?

No, it won't have the same personality
as normal.

Oh, look!

Message on your phone, message on your
phone.

Sharon, it's Chris.

What did I tell you?

My Aunt Nellie!

What a mover!

Told you, didn't I?

Hey!

Have they been putting ecstasy in the
prison hall?

What's he going on about? He hasn't even
got an Aunt Nellie.

Oh, my God.

I just realised where I got the hundred
quid from.

Four quid.