Original subtitles

I am what I do when

I'm alone with only dreams.

Blimey, is it six o 'clock already?

Trace, what the hell do you think you're doing?

French kissing Douglas Third.

What's it look like I'm doing?

Oh, it's really weird.

For a moment there, I imagined that you were decorating my bedroom without

asking my permission.

I've got this smashing colour for the door. Asparagus or anchovy or something.

Some sort of vegetable anyway.

And what do you reckon about festoon blinds? Only I always think they look

when you've got your skirt caught in your knickers.

Trace, can you put that paint roller down?

Before I stick it somewhere sideways.

Tell me what the hell you're playing at.

I wanted it to be a surprise.

Oh, it's a surprise, all right.

Look, I know I ain't the tidiest person in the world. You ain't kidding.

16 crisp packets and a fossilised pizza I found under your bed.

Well, didn't you think I might just possibly notice?

I only decided today. There was this ad in the local gazette offering 30 % off

pain. And you squeezed your blackheads and ironed your smalls and there was

Nick and Anne on the telly. So you thought, I know, I'll disrupt...

life?

You could have asked me, Trace.

Well, you've been saying for weeks you've been giving me an ear -bashing

how you'd like a boudoir like Princess Caroline's.

So I thought you'd be pleased.

Thanks, Trace.

It's really nice of you.

You ain't thrown those crisp packets away, have you?

I only needed another ten thousand. I'd have enough air miles for a romantic

weekend in Macclesfield.

never so much as opened a bottle of paint stripper before.

Only to make Sharon a cocktail.

Decorating was always Daryl's job.

Except that time he paid Chris to do Garfield's bedroom.

Even then he only did one wall. He said he was allergic to paint.

No, he only did one wall because he was allergic to work.

So where did you learn to decorate?

Tele, magazines.

It's just common sense and patience, really.

I've just had an incredible thought.

Does it involve right -stead Fred, a Harley Davidson and three pair of

handcuffs?

No, but now you mention it.

What an incredible thought.

Why don't you and I go into business together? You know, interior design.

With your painting techniques and my talent for picking up antiques.

I thought you preferred them under 20.

I'm serious, Tracy. Your skills could earn you money.

So could yours, according to that graffiti in the feathers.

Just think about it.

Look, I like decorating, but I'm not sure I want to do it as a job.

Oh, please, Tracy.

It could change your life.

of your stomach?

Has Marcus hidden your credit cards in a place where you'll never find them?

Like Danny's wife, right?

Don't be silly, Sharon.

Anyway, he wears silk boxers, I believe.

She's up to something, Trace.

Look me in the eye and tell me you're not up to something.

Well, Marcus is just so possessive at the moment.

Do you know, yesterday he actually accused me of giving the gardener a

I said a wink.

I just need an excuse to get out of the house.

You see, driving round the countryside looking for antiques would get markers

off my back.

And get you onto yours.

Promise me you'll think about it, at least.

All right, I'll think about it. You won't regret it, Tracy.

Now, I've just had 500 printed until we get going.

Dorsey interiors. I haven't even said yes yet. Oh, but you must, Tracy.

I've already got it for clients.

Oh, don't tell me. One of your tennis club mates.

She has a nose job, so you have a boob job. She starts a small business, so you

have to buy out Richard Branson.

All right, it's Melanie Fishman. And what a nose job. The best Californian

surgeon she could still stand in with Serrano de Bergerac.

You two, shift yourselves.

We've got a date with Harrison Ford and three hot dogs down in Multiplex.

Dulcey Interiors.

We've got designs on your home.

What are you, decorators or cat burglars?

If she's right, Dora, it does sound a bit dodgy.

Still, as long as you ain't had an unprinty day.

Right, so are we off then?

I thought that we could show Melanie the work that you've done on Sharon's room.

If Sharon don't mind.

I don't mind, and I am really proud of that stenciled rose I've done on her

wardrobe. Have you seen the stenciled commode in here? I'm sure my great -aunt

Esther wouldn't miss hers.

You'd need a mop and bucket if she did.

All right, then, Dora, we'll do Melanie's and take it from there. Oh,

Tracy.

And Marcus thinks it's a brilliant idea, poor fool.

See you then, Sharon. Now, what do you think of that? Enjoy the film, Sharon.

course,

I knew the sympathetic DA was a baddie all along.

What, in the Harrison Ford film?

Well, it's always a sympathetic DA.

Or the wife.

Or both.

It's so obvious that she was sleeping with his buddy.

You don't wear knickers like that for your husband, do you?

I would.

If he was Harrison Ford.

And that bloke with the scar.

I mean, he's bound to be a red herring. Oi, Barry Norman.

Put a sock in it, will you?

Some of us ain't seen this film yet.

It's a free country.

Nora Stewart.

I know the wife wasn't dead, didn't you?

Even after he stabbed her 16 times.

Never asked.

Mind you, I nearly wet myself when she jumped out of that laundry shoe, all

covered in blood.

Any other surprises you're going to ruin for us? Or have you covered the lot?

You don't have to listen, you know.

With a voice like yours, they're picking it up in Hollywood.

Now we know who done it.

Do you fancy going for a drink instead?

Yeah, why not?

Otherwise I might be had up for stabbing someone 16 times.

Are you here to see the Meryl Streep film on screen too?

She gets killed in a plane crash.

No, I don't go a bundle on police movies anyway.

No, I ain't a big fan of cops and robbers either.

Too much like real life.

You some gangster's mole or something?

Me? No.

Whatever gave you that idea?

You're not telling me you're a plonk.

A WPC, a copper.

Do me a favour.

No, I may fiddle me VAT once in a while, but I ain't completely bent.

I own a cafe.

What about you?

Me?

Nothing exciting.

Computers. So why do you reckon that cops and robbers are too much like real

life then?

My husband. He was involved in a bank job.

Oh, right.

No, sorry. When I say he was involved in a bank job, I mean, I don't mean he's a

villain. No.

No, of course not. He had a go at them while they was trying to make their

getaway, so they had a go at him with a sawn -off shotgun.

Really? Yeah.

Shot him in the, uh, what's it?

The thigh.

Poor boy.

Yeah. My only regret is that the bullet weren't four inches higher.

Still, can't have everything, can you?

We ain't together no more.

You're divorced?

Divorced? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, divorced.

As of today.

That's why I'm celebrating.

But going to the pictures alone?

Oh, you really know how to have a good time, don't you?

I used to.

And I could do with being reminded.

Melanie wants a new look for her dining room, don't you, Melanie?

We do so much entertaining.

Well, I'd hate Leonard's business associates to keep seeing last year's

wallpaper. Well, let's face it, Melanie, that maroon and cream stripe does smack

somewhat of the local Indian takeaway.

Oh, style notes from the woman whose home is decorated like a Parisian

Anyway, we don't do wallpapering. We do rag -rolling, stenciling and sponging.

Yes, Tracy is the paint specialist while I scour the country for curios and

knick -knacks. Oh, that's what you're telling Marcus.

I came across a lovely piece of Chippendale last week in Ipswich.

Hmm. I'm told they give their stage shows to older women.

Yes, I think something along these lines would suit me very well.

Perhaps you could pop round in a few days with some colour schemes and

Just look in my diary.

I meant, Tracy, you'll be too busy scouring your knick -knacks, won't you?

Thursday morning, so, yeah, terrific.

And, Dorian, darling...

I wish you every success, your little venture.

But, you know, you only had to come to me if Marcus had fallen on hard times

you need money.

I know I've always been a bum girl, but you didn't know I'd have lovely eyes.

Two of them.

They're on each side of his nose.

That's nice.

He was telling me he used to be the Queen Mum's Horlicks taster.

But now he's hoping to join an all -nude Albanian window -cleaning firm.

That's nice.

Tracy Stubbs, I've just met a drop -dead gorgeous bloke.

And you're more interested in... Dado's.

Oh, all right.

Tell me about this bloke.

And tell me why I keep finding stale bits of toast in this bed.

His name's Colin.

I've never been out for Colin before.

Been out for a few wallies, though, haven't you?

This one ain't Trace.

He's funny, he's clever, and he's got a job.

That's all you get.

This could be the one.

Oh, I don't know, Shell.

What? Metal silk finish for Melanie's paintwork.

She says she wants to keep it simple.

Simple?

Melanie Fishman?

The woman who tried to book Luciano Pavarotti for a son's bar mitzvah?

She did.

She did, but he had a prior engagement, so she had to settle for Morrie

Feinberg's jazz all -star.

Right, so all we need is some paint, a boulder, and a nice poster for over the

sideboard. Tracy, Melanie isn't paying through her new nose for three tins of

solid emulsion and a poster of a tennis player scratching her bottom.

Right, now while you get started with the painting, I'm going to visit the

antique shop.

See if I can pick up a nice watercolour for her chimney breast.

Some lusterware for her alcove. A bit of lovejoy for your full poster.

He's like you, doll. He's good at ageing a piece just by studying its bottom.

Where are you buying the paint? Ah, leave it to me.

I've got contacts.

I didn't even know you'd got spectacles.

If the bloke comes in the cafe, he can get us all the paint we need.

Is he in the trade?

He's in A trade.

Same one as Chris and Daryl.

No way, shall I? And I've been up in... Oh, hear me out, I've told you. Can't

you get your business off the ground? No, no, I'm with Tracy.

A, it's immoral. B, it's illegal.

And three... See, Dore, you were doing ABC.

And C,

Marcus can buy it through the company and write it off against tax.

I've never eaten Indonesian before.

When does it stop repeating on you?

You should have told me if you weren't enjoying it.

No, no, it was great.

Look, Sharon, I'm really out of practice at all this dating luck.

I was with Vicky for seven, no, it was nearly eight years. It's been a long

time.

It was all so easy when we were kids, weren't it?

You slow danced to Barry White at a party, knocked on top of the coats in

bedroom, and that's it, bingo, you're shacked up together.

Happy days.

Oh, no, I didn't say that.

My Chris was the patron saint of toe rags.

Really? I don't expect toe rags to ever go when they see a bank robbery.

Yeah, well, perhaps he just wanted to get on Hearts for Gold.

What lot of work's he in?

Chris? Oh,

you know, this and that.

Don't tell me.

He's with MI5. You're not allowed to talk about it.

He was in finance.

You know.

Knew where it weren't safe to put your money.

Now he's in a small -scale manufacturing for the post office.

Let's not talk about him, eh?

Not on a full stomach of gaydo -gaydo and double -bang -bang chicken.

Yeah, you're right.

Do you fancy another drink?

Are you trying to get me drunk?

No. I'm trying to get you.

Full stop.

I ain't going anywhere.

Right then.

There she is.

Oh, look at her door. Talk about the cat that's got the cream.

We just wanted to give your young man the green seal of approval.

I'll try to stop her, shall I? What are you talking about? It was your idea.

It was not. It wasn't.

He's funny, he's clever, and he likes me.

That must have been his guide dog I tripped over on the road.

I've fallen on my feet this time, girl. Right.

Come on. Which one is he?

Oh, not the slap head with the beer gut.

Do you mind?

Here he comes.

Colin, this is my sister Tracy, and this is... Dorian Green.

A hot new front door in Italian pergola.

My husband works till eight or nine most nights.

What?

He's left -handed?

But he's black.

Never is.

Why didn't he tell me, Trace?

I just hope you know what you're doing.

I don't believe I'm hearing this.

You've got something against him, haven't you? Course I ain't.

Look, if you're happy, then I'm happy.

And it has to be said, he's bloody gorgeous.

What a bot.

Look, all I'm saying, and I'm just playing devil's avocado here, do you

what you're letting yourself in for?

Yes.

Happiness. Kids, maybe.

A bloke that don't wear a striped T -shirt and a bag marked Swag when he

work.

Nick's relationships are tough.

I know that.

And can you cope?

Yes! I've been there, remember?

Haven't I had years of abuse from everyone since I've been married to

Of course, that was because he was a scumbag, not because he was green.

Here, shall?

Have you told him about Chris being inside?

We'll have you.

What do you think? Of course I have.

Then what's he say?

Nothing. I told you, he's a great bloke. He must be.

Colin's the best thing that's happened to me since... since I won a Blue Peter

badge.

I sent it in my milk bottle top collection.

Sharon, there's all Marmite on these pillows.

Oh, lovely.

Chocolate chip cookies.

Do you like them?

Does Oliver Reid own a corkscrew?

What time did you start this morning?

Eight. Your au pair let me in. Oh, Astrid.

That blonde hair's natural, you know.

Great figure and all. And only 19.

I might just have to sack her.

Even if pins and needles have got cramp.

Well, what do you reckon?

Super.

Terrific.

I just have one question.

The colour.

Look, I know it looks a bit like a big bogey, but you'll tone down a bit once

it's grown. The colour's fine.

I love it.

I can't help wondering why on earth you've teamed up with Dorian.

What do you mean?

I've known Dorian a long time.

Marcus married her on the rebound after I turned him down.

What? Why do I tell Sharon?

But when God was giving out selfishness, Dorian elbowed her way to the front of

the queue.

That's just a front. She's dead vulnerable underneath.

You're either a very loyal friend or two pearls short of a choker.

Look, I'll come clean.

The only reason I employed Dorian is because...

I get a huge kick out of playing Lady Bountiful with her.

And it drives her mad.

But I'd hate to see you caught up in our silly little power struggle.

Because actually, you're really very good at this.

I am?

Yeah, I am.

You wanted £40 for it, so I offered £30.

And what did you settle on?

£55. He had muscles to die for.

Thought I might check out his stock again next week.

Yeah, well, mind you don't tear your tights on his tall boy.

Oh, dear, dear.

Has the paint stripper given you a headache?

Look, he wouldn't hurt you to do some stripping for a change.

Paint stripping.

Nonsense! You do it so well.

Oh, if it's the man with the weeping fig, tell him to leave it in my porch.

No, it's not. It's Sharon, lovely. Detective Constable Mortimer, and this

Detective Sergeant Truin.

You mean you're a... Sharon never said you were a... Tracy, what's going on?

Search made.

Well, hopefully it won't come to that, Mrs Stubbs. We're investigating a spate

of robberies in the area, and we believe that you can help us. Oh, well, that's

a relief.

I haven't been robbed.

We think you might be in possession of stolen antiques.

Bloody hell!

We've traced several of the items to an antique shop in Stanford, La Hope.

And they put us on to you.

Me?

Dorian Green, Dorothy Interior, Chigwell.

Care of this address?

We've got designs on your home.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I mean, do I look like a hedge?

Thanks.

Whatever.

I wouldn't like to say what you look like, Mrs. Green.

I understand you bought one Edwardian card table, three watercolours, one

soup tureen from... Colin.

Days of Your Antiques. That's a bloody name.

What was the name of that place we came across in Basildon?

Antiques Are Us. Antiques Are Us. Would you credit it?

So, have you got this gear or what?

It's all in our conservatory.

But we didn't like it, did we, Dore?

Could I look at it, Mrs Green?

Excuse me.

Antiques are us, I ask you.

Such.

A nice, respectable bloke in computers.

I am.

More or less.

You're a copper, and you ain't got the bottle to tell anyone.

Look, I have just done a computer course.

Oh, good. Cos I don't think you've been stringing my sister along.

Look, Colin, she really thinks a lot of you.

Tracey, I really think a lot of her.

Well, then you'd better come clean and tell her the truth.

After all, she's been honest with you.

And you meet someone and you think, this is great.

She likes me.

And you say, okay, fair enough.

This time I'll come clean, this time I will tell her.

So why didn't you? I was going to.

I really was.

And then you started all that stuff about all coppers being more bent than

Geller's cutlery drawer and suddenly I was in computers.

It was my point then, doesn't it? No, it doesn't.

Some coppers are bent, some coppers aren't.

Just like some cafe owners fiddle over their tea and some don't.

Vicky hated me being in the force.

She hated everything about it. She hated me, she hated my mates.

That's why we split up.

She made me choose. I chose my job.

You must love it.

Yeah, I do, Shannon.

I've never wanted to do anything else.

Let's face it, you don't become a black copper just for laughs, do you?

I've had people spit at me, tell lies about me, call me Coco Cop.

And that was as a training coach.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, that's because people make these assumptions about what you are, not who

you are.

And I guess if you've got these prejudices too, then... That's that, I

Don't go cold, please.

I've been lying too.

Chris didn't ever go at that bank job.

He was the bank job.

And now he's inside, thanks to your lot.

Sorry.

No, I mean, literally, thanks to your lot.

I mean, you sent him a case of Johnny Walker when he got knit.

So why don't you tell me the truth?

Because people make assumptions about what you are, not who you are.

Touché.

Chris is a villain, so I must be an old slag with a ciggy stuck to me bottom lip

and a flat full of moody stereos.

Not the kind of girl you'd want to take home to mother.

He is a piece of scum. I weren't lying about that.

But I ain't divorced.

But you said you was. No, you said I was.

I just sort of agreed with you.

Funny, isn't it?

We're both dating people we're programmed to despise.

Hysterical.

Look, I can see you love your job and it comes before everything else.

So you won't want to be associated with the likes of me.

There's probably some law against it.

Perhaps we'd better call it a day, eh?

See you, Connie.

Typical, innit?

The only bloke I can hang on to is the undesirable, unreliable, unhygienic

little plonker I married.

Tell me about it.

As soon as I meet someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, God

the banana skin in me puff.

It's not like you to be so defeatist.

Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it?

What's Colin going to want with a bird like me?

An ignorant villain's wife.

Rubbish. You always know the answer on Blockbusters.

I mean, I'm the wife of an ignorant villain.

I've got a criminal record.

Only for drunken disorderly. Not the great train robbery.

Yes. Well, soon you won't be the only one with a criminal record. I have been

dealing in stolen goods.

Yeah.

That's the only good laugh I've had these past few days.

It isn't funny.

It's side -splitting door.

Considering you didn't want nothing to do with that hooky paint.

Yes, well, I want nothing more to do with Dorsey Interiors. I should never

let you talk me into it.

You talk me into it, so you'll be free to get your antique drawers open.

Yes, well, we'll let Melanie pay us, then we'll shut up shop.

Melanie already has paid.

Me? I've done all the work. Oh, charming.

So not only have I earned myself a few bob, but I learnt three useful lessons.

One, I'm a dab -man with a paintbrush.

Two, I could earn a living at it if I wanted to. And three, I'd rather be

partners with Robert Maxwell than you.

Now he's going to say, I suppose you're wondering why I asked you, are we?

You know, like Miss Marple or Poirot.

Well, what do you want?

I suppose you're going to tell me you've discovered Lord Lucan in my tool shed.

Well, actually, I've just come round to tell you we've got the people

responsible for the stolen antiques and you won't be troubled any further.

Really? Yes, I made it clear that you are perfectly innocent, Mrs Green.

Like a virgin.

Well, you've got nothing to worry about.

Oh, tar, Colin, that is a weight off their mind. Well, perhaps we could go

for a celebratory drink so I could show you just how truly grateful I really am.

Great. How about tomorrow night?

I do understand from Sharon you are suddenly available.

I've never stopped you before.

Well, you don't mind, do you, Sharon?

And if I do?

Sharon, we need to talk.

We've said it all.

You did, I didn't.

Well, go on, then.

Come on, door. You promised I'd put the curtains back.

No, I didn't. You bloody did.

Now,

I've been thinking.

Now, we split up because we weren't honest with each other, right?

Right. But now we've both come clean, right?

Right. So it can only get better from now on, right?

Wrong.

I'm a bank robber's wife.

Do you honestly see me hanging on your arm as a policeman's ball?

I can't do that kind of stuff.

I am more your cinema and your restaurant kind of bloke.

Are you sure about this?

Would I lie to you?

So, what do you want to do?

What? Right now?

Yeah.

I quite fancy the pictures.

They're showing Cockkiller at the multiplex.

What will I do When you are far

away And I am you What

will I do When I'm alone With only

dreams

Thank you.