Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone?

Grecia! Papa?

Anything.

Anything to take away the humiliation.

What's up? Your holiday snaps turned up on Beedle.

Melanie Fishman. Would you believe that bitch?

Some big noise from Oxfam came to visit her personally.

Look!

Even weaseled a picture into the newspapers.

Top charity fundraiser in Essex.

Well, what about me?

All last week I was out collecting for the homeless.

Those poor people who live in tiny cardboard boxes.

That's right. You harass Safeways for some bigger boxes.

So, every little bit helps.

Yeah. I suppose living in a bigger box, you can always invite people round.

Homelessness is no joking matter, Tracy.

That is 80s callousness. It really dates you. Just like Melanie Fishman. Oh,

that's right. It's the caring 90s now. Yes, and I care more than she does.

And have you read all this ridiculous hype?

If she clapped herself on her back anymore, she'd loosen a silicone

But she chooses the moment to announce that she will sponsor a hostel for the

homeless in Whitechapel, hopes to bring relief to those less fortunate.

Melanie Fishman knows nothing about relief.

Ask her husband.

Well, I'll show that spotlight -seeking poser.

I'll sponsor two hostels.

I'll give the best relief in the East End.

You'll have a bit of competition there, door.

No, thanks.

Another good day at North London's premier health hazard?

No, thank you very much.

What is it, Cheryl?

There's been a death, Trace.

A death?

Well, let's face it, it was only a matter of time, wasn't it?

Sell -by -date are there for a reason, you may.

Really? Has anyone checked yours recently?

Bad news, Trace.

Mrs Theodopolopoulos is dead.

But that's you, Cheryl.

No.

Horrible old fact, Mrs Theodopoulopoulos.

Yes, Tracy's right, that's you.

Isn't it a shame how it's always the wrong people that drop dead?

Chris's mum, Trace.

Chris's mum's died.

That's terrible.

Tony the plumber came by the cafe.

He reckoned the family's completely caved in.

Everyone's sitting around, weeping and wailing, worrying about the funeral. All

the old ones wanting to go whiffer. Oh, I'm sorry. This conversation is getting

really depressing.

Only because we like talking about you.

Well, I must stay cheerful.

I have to uplift the downtrodden.

If I can get to them before Melanie Fishman.

Oh, don't get too down, you two. Death.

comes to us all.

Who are we to question? Life must go on. And that sort of thing.

Ciao.

Of course, you realise what this means, don't you?

The tow rag's going to be up for compassionate leave.

Of course.

They'll have to let him out for the funeral.

And they let him out about an escort these days.

I wonder if they'll let Daryl out with him.

To give Chris some support, you mean? Yeah. To be a shoulder to cry on at the

graveside? Yeah. To come home here and bonk you silly?

Forget it, Trace. It's just nearest and dearest, isn't it?

Chrissie's her nearest.

Mind you, with all the fines and the court costs, he's probably her dearest

all. At least you'll have your husband home.

I don't want him home, do I?

It'll only be for one night, maybe two.

I thought of two nights with him. I'd rather jump in the hole with his mum.

No, we can always stop staying in there.

Oh, you are joking.

We take our eyes off him for a minute, he'll leg it.

No, I'll have to have him in the room with me.

You can't just lie awake all night watching him.

You're right.

Well, lock him in the meter cupboard.

Have you got to sort out the funeral?

No. Tony's been brilliant, running about, doing everything.

But you know how useless Chrissies look are.

So I said to him, Tony, you know, anything I can do.

Same goes, Shell. Look, I only met her once, and the rest of the family, well,

there's hundreds of them, but family's family, and what's yours is mine.

So if there's anything I can do, anything at all, just say.

That's really nice of you, Trace.

Really glad you said that.

Because I said they could all come back here after the funeral.

You've done what?

What, all of them?

You volunteered my house to a load of strangers.

But there'll be hundreds of them all weeping and wailing. I don't want that.

don't even know them.

Just give me the date and the time, aren't you, Shell? That's all I ask.

Don't want to take up any valuable weeping space.

It's like you said, Trace.

Family is family.

Just think of them as the Greek tragedy branch.

You might have consulted me first.

I couldn't, could I? I only asked me tonight.

Well, what about the cab? Why can't you all go there?

Oh, do me a favour.

Have you seen the state of it lately?

The old girl deserves better than that.

And you did say anything you can do.

So, can you do for about 30?

You know, just drinks and nibbles.

Life is short.

You know?

Death comes to us all.

Life goes on.

It's all part of the mysterious pattern.

And, uh... What?

I don't know. I've run out of clichés.

Well, it's one of those times, isn't it? You know, when you know there's

something important to say, so you just keep on talking, hoping that the right

thing will come out eventually.

It's one of those times when you wish everyone would just belt up.

Cry if you want to.

Eh? It's all right.

I'll understand.

It's one of those times.

You're allowed to cry when your mum dies.

You try it any other time and I'll beat the crap out of you.

It's all right now.

It's one of those times.

Go on, then. Cry.

Well, I can't just cry like that, can I?

Want something to bring on the tears, you mean?

Right, I'll give you a Chinese bird.

No! Get off! Look, I'm only trying to help you. You need to get it out of you.

don't! It's true.

Look, I know how I feel. There's no point in saying it.

I'd change anything.

It's true.

Well, you don't understand.

I mean, your mum, well, my mum,

see, in my head, she was always there.

Now she ain't.

It's always like that.

You know.

When everybody and his brothers told you where to stick it, there's no way you

won't be slung out of. You can't face a living soul.

Even when you're spending it on sewage and dead fish, it still won't be a mum.

She'll say all the things she's been saying since she was a kid.

Like, when are you going to grow up?

Are you crying yet?

No!

Leave it out, will you? All that's my business.

You know the worst thing about all this?

This compassionate leave.

Some geezers get three days for a funeral.

Yeah, but like the governor says, leave must reflect the level of trust in a

prisoner, you know, based on his character and his values.

Right.

Well, so why are they only giving me 24 hours?

24 hours? I mean, that's not even a day, Dal. You take away the time.

Take away the time travelling there and back, right? Doing all that stuff at the

end. Something to eat and a kip.

Well, might be time for other things.

What other things?

The Flamingo Club.

Hey, take this wine bar.

The Blue Note and all the other places.

Freedom, Dale.

24 hours of it, eh?

Nah, what would you do?

Listen, once I'm out of here, it's down the oasis, eh?

Leon's Place.

Le Chanois.

Hey, Theo's Bar.

What was that?

Nothing. I just felt like a bit of a cry.

Yeah.

Well, it's one of those times, isn't it?

Oh,

come on, shall.

Suggest something.

I don't know nothing about Greek food, especially the bits and pieces.

Hello, Trace. All right?

Listen, Cheryl, can't stop. I'm on my way for the flowers.

I'll pick you up in the morning around the house, OK? We'll go round, collect

Chris, and then go straight to the cemetery.

Unless, of course, there's somewhere else you'd like to take him first?

The abattoir?

Nothing like true love, is there?

You're right.

This is nothing like true love.

So, any hints on the catering?

Tracy's having trouble with the Greek nibbles.

I'm all right. I'll manage.

Tracy, don't even think about it, darling.

Phone Leon's wife. She does all the buffet stuff. And one of Theo's girls.

They're all coming over anyway.

They'll be only too glad to sort you out.

You're supplying a nice place.

You've got enough trouble. Oh, it's no trouble.

After all, family's family.

Oi!

Sharon. Walter Theodoropoulos to you.

Get in.

Thank you.

Right, I've done the salad. I'm off. What's that?

It's not a Greek salad.

It's a Chigwell salad.

What's a Chigwell salad like?

Same as any other. Just thinks it's different.

Oh, bloody heart. And that keeps stopping them.

Neil's wife's going to wonder why the hell she bothered.

These little spinach things are brilliant.

I wonder what they're called.

How did she get a filo pastry to go like that?

You can ask to yourself in a minute. She won't be long.

Yeah. Yeah, I might, actually.

Does this look appropriate, be honest?

I don't know the form of a Greek funeral door. Not sure how much cleavage is

supposed to flesh.

I was going through that wardrobe for ages, looking for something that said

funeral. I see.

And all you could find was something that said heart attack.

I didn't really expect you to come.

What, miss an opportunity like this? You must be joking. This will be one in the

eye for Melanie Fishman. She's all collecting boxes at arm's length.

She wouldn't recognise a real homeless person if she'd run over one in her

They're the only side... offering she ever sees is on the news.

Then it has to be news at ten so she can have a lie down in the commercial

break.

So, this afternoon, she will be in the precinct rattling her cam while I will

here amidst genuine ethnic tragedy.

Will she be sick?

Well, how will she know?

Because I'm very bad at keeping secrets.

In fact, I gave her this number.

She will ring wondering where I am.

I will answer the phone.

surrounded by grief and tears and say, sorry, Melanie, the Greek Cypriot

community need me here.

Just wait till that gets round the tennis club.

Game's set and match, I think.

Blimey, Dorian. That should cheer everybody up.

Stop worrying. We've got loads of stuff.

There's more stuffed olives here than there are in Greece.

I wonder if we should have some music.

Something suitable for a funeral.

Shame we lost that Leonard Cohen.

Now, there are some in the kitchen in case they hit the Uzo early, and two

by the front door in case anyone breaks down on arrival.

Here come the first wave.

You must be devastated. Have a tissue.

You must be devastated. Have a tissue.

How'd it go?

Oh, wonderful.

Right old rave -up.

Sort of Mardi Gras meets acid air.

How do you think it went? It went like a funeral.

Oh, right.

How was Chris?

The life and soul of the graveyard.

Moaned all the way from Banstead and all the time we were stood waiting.

He was lucky he didn't get buried with her.

Stuck him in Theo's car on the way back.

Here, Cheryl.

I thought you said Chris was with Theo.

He was. Yeah? Well, he ain't now.

What? Don't yell at me.

It's not my fault.

He came over all tearful. Said he had to be with his dear wife.

Oh, come on, Theo. You know they ate each other's guts.

Well, maybe he came back in someone else's car.

Yeah, maybe in Leon's car. Or Andreas's. Forget it. He's leaked it. Oh, my God.

Chris has gone. I knew it. I said he would.

More loss, how much can we take?

He's got to follow him, shall we? If he ain't back at Idan on time, he's going

to lose all his chances of parole.

Yeah, that's right.

And then he'll have to do his full stretch.

Well, we don't want that, do we?

Theo, you stay here. If he turns up, grab him. And this time, keep hold of

Come on, we'll go and check out all his old haunts, eh? We'll go in my van.

Look after the bubbles, will you, Trace?

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to Dell and Trace.

Please make yourselves at home.

The loo's in the hall, the food's over here, and the drink's in the kitchen.

the tissues are right here.

OK, feel free to express yourself.

Here, who's your friend?

Dorian. Feel free to express yourself.

No joy? Nah.

He was in the Oasis about an hour ago, and then they slung him out.

Well, he's not landed up in Leon's place, all the parking on him.

Well, shit, we'll try Camden, eh?

Hey, Gary.

No,

I don't like that. Gary.

Hey, listen.

This Dorian character.

Is she... You know, I mean... Does she put it about?

If you could mail order it, you would.

Haven't you ever heard of Doreen Grimm?

You mean you've never read about her in some gent's somewhere?

Thanks for sorting the food out for me. I wouldn't have known what to give him.

My girlfriend cooks these moussaka, nothing to write home about.

Especially if home's in Greece.

A man who cooks?

How old is he?

Nineteen. A young man who cooks?

Fascinating.

Oh, it's all right. I'm no Dorian Green.

You've heard about Dorian. Oh, my husband told me about her.

He says you read about her somewhere.

He's in the kitchen. Have you got my going to chat with him about your

Oh, fine.

Tracy, are you sure these people are Greek?

I mean, I haven't heard a whale out of any of them since they arrived.

I'm just going to beat their chest and rend their clothing.

Not in my house, they're not.

Just go and circulate, will you?

I've come to express myself.

I'm sorry, shall we? They're all the dives I know.

We can go back to Haringey and try all the snooze rules.

Well, unless you fancy trying Kilburn.

If he'd have gone to Kilburn, he'd be halfway to Dublin by now, practising his

Terry Wogan accent.

Oh, well. I suppose we'd better get you on.

Somewhere in this seething city, there's a rat -arse little bubble taking up

valuable space in the gutter.

And if I get my hands on him, I'll take one of them iron railings and I'll shove

it so hard he'll look like a lamb kebab.

Attention, everybody.

I'm going to make a speech.

Oh, God.

There's always somebody.

First. We've got to thank Tracy for her hospitality.

And for giving us a lovely place to remember Aunty Paula.

Somewhere we could gather and share our grief.

That was grief?

Half a box of titties between 20 people who've had more tragic head colds.

But my best memories of Aunty Paula are years ago, when she was young.

She loved to dance.

That's how I want to remember her. And I think that's how she would like to be

remembered. Not as an old lady weighed down with problems, but a smiling lady

who loves to dance.

Yes.

So, turn up that music and let's have one last dance without the boiler.

Oh, that cake. Surely does this tragedy mean nothing to any of you.

Oh, my God, he thinks he's Zorba.

For me, I think I'll take it in the kitchen.

Hello.

Melanie!

Where was I?

Where I was needed, Melanie.

Where I was needed.

A Greek Cypriot funeral in the neighborhood.

Spent an absolute fortune on tissues.

Traditional. Get that filthy hand off me.

The Undertaker, Melanie. He's been out digging.

Turn that stupid music down.

You heard nothing of the sort.

Melanie?

Melanie!

Game, set, and match, I don't think.

Bingo. Typical, isn't it?

You've only been out 12 hours and already you've done a break -in. I can't

you for break -in in your own place, though, can I?

No, but I can do you for break -in my door.

Look at you.

Like Keith Floyd on myths.

Have you any idea how much grief you've caused everyone?

Tony!

Come on. You couldn't do him breakfast if all he wanted was toast.

You do realise that we have dredged half of North London looking for you? And we

do mean dredged. We have been in some of the poxiest, sweatiest, oozo -stained

flea pits ever turned up.

Do you enjoy yourselves?

No, we bloody didn't.

No, neither did I.

It's all changed, Tom.

Drug dealers and girls on the game.

Blatant, Tom, blatant. It was never like that.

It was always discreet. You know, you had to ask the barman. Yeah, I know. I

know. All the rules have changed.

Well, it was horrible.

You know, I came out from the paper moon. You know, just around the corner

Mum's. I found myself going home.

Until I realised she weren't there no more.

Suddenly, I had nothing.

I had nowhere to go.

Except this place.

This is all I got.

Sad, isn't it?

Worse, actually.

Half of this is all you've got.

This is it. This place.

It's the business.

Hey.

It is. It is the business.

I hate to interrupt the origami session with a pita bread, but if you ain't back

inside within eight hours, you won't see this business this side of 1998.

Nick, you think I'm going back there?

You're joking.

I'm out now. I'm free.

Like, like, like an eagle.

I mean a budgie with pretensions.

Chris. You are still a prisoner.

No, I'm not.

Listen, while I'm still behind this counter, I'm still a free man, eh?

I can make tea.

I can make sandwiches.

No, you can't.

That's not tea, it's coffee.

If that's a sandwich, I'm Michelle Pfeiffer.

Chris, Chris, listen to me, mate. Look, you've got to go back. You've got no

choice. I've got choice.

That's what freedom is, Tom, eh? Having choice.

So long as I've got choice, I'm staying right here and there's nothing you can

do about it.

OK, shall?

OK, Tom.

OK, Chris? OK, Tom. Good.

Sit up there.

Oh!

Sorry about that, shall?

That's all right, Tom.

All you did was jump the queue.

Are you sure this is closer? It's only 4 .30 in the morning. That's right, we

got it back six hours early.

What a good boy.

Where am I?

Home.

I love you, Shell.

So how come you got back early?

Well, come on.

Give. How was it?

How did the funeral go?

Who turned up?

Did you get back to my place?

What's it like?

Oh, come on. I've been sitting here waiting to get all the news first hand.

Did you make it to the Flamingo?

What about the Oasis?

What's it all like now?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

I don't know what I don't know.

All I do know is...

Well, I can't remember a bloody thing.

And I've got three loose teeth.

Did you find him?

I pray so.

Why, he's all right, isn't he?

I pray so.

He's got a lock and a key, anyway.

Look, Aunty Shell.

A clubber.

It's a woolly hat, isn't it?

It's a secret off Marina.

We're doing stuffed vine leaves later so we can have a Greek night tonight.

So I can face another one? Oh, you'll feel better after that, Papa.

Look after them for me, Mum.

Don't ever invite me to another Greek funeral.

You weren't invited to the last one.

As far as half the tennis club are concerned, I ducked out of a charity

fundraiser in order to put myself about at a drunken Hellenic orgy. Can you

believe that?

Yeah? Where was that?

Here, yesterday.

Yeah? While I was at the funeral?

I'm talking about the funeral.

I was Mr. Best Bits.

I should have known there were no brownie points to be had around you two.

Melanie Fishman is having an absolute field day.

It'll take a personal trip to Ethiopia to salvage this.

Or a sponsored run.

No, Ethiopia.

But if you don't mind, I'll take leave.

Somewhere, we are needed.

Try the cold clinic.

Oh, God, I'm knackered.

Go and sit down. I'll bring you a cup of tea.

It's a pity you missed it, Shell.

They was really nice people.

Ever so warm and appreciative.

By the end of the evening, I've got two invites for dinner, use of a villa on

Mykonos, and a discount card for that butcher's up Kentish Town Road.

I'm sorry I was so mean about it. I won't be next time.

Great people are really great to be around.

They give you a lift, don't they? Sort of give you energy.

But then I'm not married to one.

What will I do?

When I'm alone with only dreams