All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s05e06 Dead Loss

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone?

Grecia! Papa?

Anything.

Anything to take away the humiliation.

What's up? Your holiday snaps turned up
on Beedle.

Melanie Fishman. Would you believe that
bitch?

Some big noise from Oxfam came to visit
her personally.

Look!

Even weaseled a picture into the
newspapers.

Top charity fundraiser in Essex.

Well, what about me?

All last week I was out collecting for
the homeless.

Those poor people who live in tiny
cardboard boxes.

That's right. You harass Safeways for
some bigger boxes.

So, every little bit helps.

Yeah. I suppose living in a bigger box,
you can always invite people round.

Homelessness is no joking matter, Tracy.

That is 80s callousness. It really dates
you. Just like Melanie Fishman. Oh,

that's right. It's the caring 90s now.
Yes, and I care more than she does.

And have you read all this ridiculous
hype?

If she clapped herself on her back
anymore, she'd loosen a silicone

But she chooses the moment to announce
that she will sponsor a hostel for the

homeless in Whitechapel, hopes to bring
relief to those less fortunate.

Melanie Fishman knows nothing about
relief.

Ask her husband.

Well, I'll show that spotlight -seeking
poser.

I'll sponsor two hostels.

I'll give the best relief in the East
End.

You'll have a bit of competition there,
door.

No, thanks.

Another good day at North London's
premier health hazard?

No, thank you very much.

What is it, Cheryl?

There's been a death, Trace.

A death?

Well, let's face it, it was only a
matter of time, wasn't it?

Sell -by -date are there for a reason,
you may.

Really? Has anyone checked yours
recently?

Bad news, Trace.

Mrs Theodopolopoulos is dead.

But that's you, Cheryl.

No.

Horrible old fact, Mrs
Theodopoulopoulos.

Yes, Tracy's right, that's you.

Isn't it a shame how it's always the
wrong people that drop dead?

Chris's mum, Trace.

Chris's mum's died.

That's terrible.

Tony the plumber came by the cafe.

He reckoned the family's completely
caved in.

Everyone's sitting around, weeping and
wailing, worrying about the funeral. All

the old ones wanting to go whiffer. Oh,
I'm sorry. This conversation is getting

really depressing.

Only because we like talking about you.

Well, I must stay cheerful.

I have to uplift the downtrodden.

If I can get to them before Melanie
Fishman.

Oh, don't get too down, you two. Death.

comes to us all.

Who are we to question? Life must go on.
And that sort of thing.

Ciao.

Of course, you realise what this means,
don't you?

The tow rag's going to be up for
compassionate leave.

Of course.

They'll have to let him out for the
funeral.

And they let him out about an escort
these days.

I wonder if they'll let Daryl out with
him.

To give Chris some support, you mean?
Yeah. To be a shoulder to cry on at the

graveside? Yeah. To come home here and
bonk you silly?

Forget it, Trace. It's just nearest and
dearest, isn't it?

Chrissie's her nearest.

Mind you, with all the fines and the
court costs, he's probably her dearest

all. At least you'll have your husband
home.

I don't want him home, do I?

It'll only be for one night, maybe two.

I thought of two nights with him. I'd
rather jump in the hole with his mum.

No, we can always stop staying in there.

Oh, you are joking.

We take our eyes off him for a minute,
he'll leg it.

No, I'll have to have him in the room
with me.

You can't just lie awake all night
watching him.

You're right.

Well, lock him in the meter cupboard.

Have you got to sort out the funeral?

No. Tony's been brilliant, running
about, doing everything.

But you know how useless Chrissies look
are.

So I said to him, Tony, you know,
anything I can do.

Same goes, Shell. Look, I only met her
once, and the rest of the family, well,

there's hundreds of them, but family's
family, and what's yours is mine.

So if there's anything I can do,
anything at all, just say.

That's really nice of you, Trace.

Really glad you said that.

Because I said they could all come back
here after the funeral.

You've done what?

What, all of them?

You volunteered my house to a load of
strangers.

But there'll be hundreds of them all
weeping and wailing. I don't want that.

don't even know them.

Just give me the date and the time,
aren't you, Shell? That's all I ask.

Don't want to take up any valuable
weeping space.

It's like you said, Trace.

Family is family.

Just think of them as the Greek tragedy
branch.

You might have consulted me first.

I couldn't, could I? I only asked me
tonight.

Well, what about the cab? Why can't you
all go there?

Oh, do me a favour.

Have you seen the state of it lately?

The old girl deserves better than that.

And you did say anything you can do.

So, can you do for about 30?

You know, just drinks and nibbles.

Life is short.

You know?

Death comes to us all.

Life goes on.

It's all part of the mysterious pattern.

And, uh... What?

I don't know. I've run out of clichés.

Well, it's one of those times, isn't it?
You know, when you know there's

something important to say, so you just
keep on talking, hoping that the right

thing will come out eventually.

It's one of those times when you wish
everyone would just belt up.

Cry if you want to.

Eh? It's all right.

I'll understand.

It's one of those times.

You're allowed to cry when your mum
dies.

You try it any other time and I'll beat
the crap out of you.

It's all right now.

It's one of those times.

Go on, then. Cry.

Well, I can't just cry like that, can I?

Want something to bring on the tears,
you mean?

Right, I'll give you a Chinese bird.

No! Get off! Look, I'm only trying to
help you. You need to get it out of you.

don't! It's true.

Look, I know how I feel. There's no
point in saying it.

I'd change anything.

It's true.

Well, you don't understand.

I mean, your mum, well, my mum,

see, in my head, she was always there.

Now she ain't.

It's always like that.

You know.

When everybody and his brothers told you
where to stick it, there's no way you

won't be slung out of. You can't face a
living soul.

Even when you're spending it on sewage
and dead fish, it still won't be a mum.

She'll say all the things she's been
saying since she was a kid.

Like, when are you going to grow up?

Are you crying yet?

No!

Leave it out, will you? All that's my
business.

You know the worst thing about all this?

This compassionate leave.

Some geezers get three days for a
funeral.

Yeah, but like the governor says, leave
must reflect the level of trust in a

prisoner, you know, based on his
character and his values.

Right.

Well, so why are they only giving me 24
hours?

24 hours? I mean, that's not even a day,
Dal. You take away the time.

Take away the time travelling there and
back, right? Doing all that stuff at the

end. Something to eat and a kip.

Well, might be time for other things.

What other things?

The Flamingo Club.

Hey, take this wine bar.

The Blue Note and all the other places.

Freedom, Dale.

24 hours of it, eh?

Nah, what would you do?

Listen, once I'm out of here, it's down
the oasis, eh?

Leon's Place.

Le Chanois.

Hey, Theo's Bar.

What was that?

Nothing. I just felt like a bit of a
cry.

Yeah.

Well, it's one of those times, isn't it?

Oh,

come on, shall.

Suggest something.

I don't know nothing about Greek food,
especially the bits and pieces.

Hello, Trace. All right?

Listen, Cheryl, can't stop. I'm on my
way for the flowers.

I'll pick you up in the morning around
the house, OK? We'll go round, collect

Chris, and then go straight to the
cemetery.

Unless, of course, there's somewhere
else you'd like to take him first?

The abattoir?

Nothing like true love, is there?

You're right.

This is nothing like true love.

So, any hints on the catering?

Tracy's having trouble with the Greek
nibbles.

I'm all right. I'll manage.

Tracy, don't even think about it,
darling.

Phone Leon's wife. She does all the
buffet stuff. And one of Theo's girls.

They're all coming over anyway.

They'll be only too glad to sort you
out.

You're supplying a nice place.

You've got enough trouble. Oh, it's no
trouble.

After all, family's family.

Oi!

Sharon. Walter Theodoropoulos to you.

Get in.

Thank you.

Right, I've done the salad. I'm off.
What's that?

It's not a Greek salad.

It's a Chigwell salad.

What's a Chigwell salad like?

Same as any other. Just thinks it's
different.

Oh, bloody heart. And that keeps
stopping them.

Neil's wife's going to wonder why the
hell she bothered.

These little spinach things are
brilliant.

I wonder what they're called.

How did she get a filo pastry to go like
that?

You can ask to yourself in a minute. She
won't be long.

Yeah. Yeah, I might, actually.

Does this look appropriate, be honest?

I don't know the form of a Greek funeral
door. Not sure how much cleavage is

supposed to flesh.

I was going through that wardrobe for
ages, looking for something that said

funeral. I see.

And all you could find was something
that said heart attack.

I didn't really expect you to come.

What, miss an opportunity like this? You
must be joking. This will be one in the

eye for Melanie Fishman. She's all
collecting boxes at arm's length.

She wouldn't recognise a real homeless
person if she'd run over one in her

They're the only side... offering she
ever sees is on the news.

Then it has to be news at ten so she can
have a lie down in the commercial

break.

So, this afternoon, she will be in the
precinct rattling her cam while I will

here amidst genuine ethnic tragedy.

Will she be sick?

Well, how will she know?

Because I'm very bad at keeping secrets.

In fact, I gave her this number.

She will ring wondering where I am.

I will answer the phone.

surrounded by grief and tears and say,
sorry, Melanie, the Greek Cypriot

community need me here.

Just wait till that gets round the
tennis club.

Game's set and match, I think.

Blimey, Dorian. That should cheer
everybody up.

Stop worrying. We've got loads of stuff.

There's more stuffed olives here than
there are in Greece.

I wonder if we should have some music.

Something suitable for a funeral.

Shame we lost that Leonard Cohen.

Now, there are some in the kitchen in
case they hit the Uzo early, and two

by the front door in case anyone breaks
down on arrival.

Here come the first wave.

You must be devastated. Have a tissue.

You must be devastated. Have a tissue.

How'd it go?

Oh, wonderful.

Right old rave -up.

Sort of Mardi Gras meets acid air.

How do you think it went? It went like a
funeral.

Oh, right.

How was Chris?

The life and soul of the graveyard.

Moaned all the way from Banstead and all
the time we were stood waiting.

He was lucky he didn't get buried with
her.

Stuck him in Theo's car on the way back.

Here, Cheryl.

I thought you said Chris was with Theo.

He was. Yeah? Well, he ain't now.

What? Don't yell at me.

It's not my fault.

He came over all tearful. Said he had to
be with his dear wife.

Oh, come on, Theo. You know they ate
each other's guts.

Well, maybe he came back in someone
else's car.

Yeah, maybe in Leon's car. Or Andreas's.
Forget it. He's leaked it. Oh, my God.

Chris has gone. I knew it. I said he
would.

More loss, how much can we take?

He's got to follow him, shall we? If he
ain't back at Idan on time, he's going

to lose all his chances of parole.

Yeah, that's right.

And then he'll have to do his full
stretch.

Well, we don't want that, do we?

Theo, you stay here. If he turns up,
grab him. And this time, keep hold of

Come on, we'll go and check out all his
old haunts, eh? We'll go in my van.

Look after the bubbles, will you, Trace?

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to Dell and Trace.

Please make yourselves at home.

The loo's in the hall, the food's over
here, and the drink's in the kitchen.

the tissues are right here.

OK, feel free to express yourself.

Here, who's your friend?

Dorian. Feel free to express yourself.

No joy? Nah.

He was in the Oasis about an hour ago,
and then they slung him out.

Well, he's not landed up in Leon's
place, all the parking on him.

Well, shit, we'll try Camden, eh?

Hey, Gary.

No,

I don't like that. Gary.

Hey, listen.

This Dorian character.

Is she... You know, I mean... Does she
put it about?

If you could mail order it, you would.

Haven't you ever heard of Doreen Grimm?

You mean you've never read about her in
some gent's somewhere?

Thanks for sorting the food out for me.
I wouldn't have known what to give him.

My girlfriend cooks these moussaka,
nothing to write home about.

Especially if home's in Greece.

A man who cooks?

How old is he?

Nineteen. A young man who cooks?

Fascinating.

Oh, it's all right. I'm no Dorian Green.

You've heard about Dorian. Oh, my
husband told me about her.

He says you read about her somewhere.

He's in the kitchen. Have you got my
going to chat with him about your

Oh, fine.

Tracy, are you sure these people are
Greek?

I mean, I haven't heard a whale out of
any of them since they arrived.

I'm just going to beat their chest and
rend their clothing.

Not in my house, they're not.

Just go and circulate, will you?

I've come to express myself.

I'm sorry, shall we? They're all the
dives I know.

We can go back to Haringey and try all
the snooze rules.

Well, unless you fancy trying Kilburn.

If he'd have gone to Kilburn, he'd be
halfway to Dublin by now, practising his

Terry Wogan accent.

Oh, well. I suppose we'd better get you
on.

Somewhere in this seething city, there's
a rat -arse little bubble taking up

valuable space in the gutter.

And if I get my hands on him, I'll take
one of them iron railings and I'll shove

it so hard he'll look like a lamb kebab.

Attention, everybody.

I'm going to make a speech.

Oh, God.

There's always somebody.

First. We've got to thank Tracy for her
hospitality.

And for giving us a lovely place to
remember Aunty Paula.

Somewhere we could gather and share our
grief.

That was grief?

Half a box of titties between 20 people
who've had more tragic head colds.

But my best memories of Aunty Paula are
years ago, when she was young.

She loved to dance.

That's how I want to remember her. And I
think that's how she would like to be

remembered. Not as an old lady weighed
down with problems, but a smiling lady

who loves to dance.

Yes.

So, turn up that music and let's have
one last dance without the boiler.

Oh, that cake. Surely does this tragedy
mean nothing to any of you.

Oh, my God, he thinks he's Zorba.

For me, I think I'll take it in the
kitchen.

Hello.

Melanie!

Where was I?

Where I was needed, Melanie.

Where I was needed.

A Greek Cypriot funeral in the
neighborhood.

Spent an absolute fortune on tissues.

Traditional. Get that filthy hand off
me.

The Undertaker, Melanie. He's been out
digging.

Turn that stupid music down.

You heard nothing of the sort.

Melanie?

Melanie!

Game, set, and match, I don't think.

Bingo. Typical, isn't it?

You've only been out 12 hours and
already you've done a break -in. I can't

you for break -in in your own place,
though, can I?

No, but I can do you for break -in my
door.

Look at you.

Like Keith Floyd on myths.

Have you any idea how much grief you've
caused everyone?

Tony!

Come on. You couldn't do him breakfast
if all he wanted was toast.

You do realise that we have dredged half
of North London looking for you? And we

do mean dredged. We have been in some of
the poxiest, sweatiest, oozo -stained

flea pits ever turned up.

Do you enjoy yourselves?

No, we bloody didn't.

No, neither did I.

It's all changed, Tom.

Drug dealers and girls on the game.

Blatant, Tom, blatant. It was never like
that.

It was always discreet. You know, you
had to ask the barman. Yeah, I know. I

know. All the rules have changed.

Well, it was horrible.

You know, I came out from the paper
moon. You know, just around the corner

Mum's. I found myself going home.

Until I realised she weren't there no
more.

Suddenly, I had nothing.

I had nowhere to go.

Except this place.

This is all I got.

Sad, isn't it?

Worse, actually.

Half of this is all you've got.

This is it. This place.

It's the business.

Hey.

It is. It is the business.

I hate to interrupt the origami session
with a pita bread, but if you ain't back

inside within eight hours, you won't see
this business this side of 1998.

Nick, you think I'm going back there?

You're joking.

I'm out now. I'm free.

Like, like, like an eagle.

I mean a budgie with pretensions.

Chris. You are still a prisoner.

No, I'm not.

Listen, while I'm still behind this
counter, I'm still a free man, eh?

I can make tea.

I can make sandwiches.

No, you can't.

That's not tea, it's coffee.

If that's a sandwich, I'm Michelle
Pfeiffer.

Chris, Chris, listen to me, mate. Look,
you've got to go back. You've got no

choice. I've got choice.

That's what freedom is, Tom, eh? Having
choice.

So long as I've got choice, I'm staying
right here and there's nothing you can

do about it.

OK, shall?

OK, Tom.

OK, Chris? OK, Tom. Good.

Sit up there.

Oh!

Sorry about that, shall?

That's all right, Tom.

All you did was jump the queue.

Are you sure this is closer? It's only 4
.30 in the morning. That's right, we

got it back six hours early.

What a good boy.

Where am I?

Home.

I love you, Shell.

So how come you got back early?

Well, come on.

Give. How was it?

How did the funeral go?

Who turned up?

Did you get back to my place?

What's it like?

Oh, come on. I've been sitting here
waiting to get all the news first hand.

Did you make it to the Flamingo?

What about the Oasis?

What's it all like now?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

I don't know what I don't know.

All I do know is...

Well, I can't remember a bloody thing.

And I've got three loose teeth.

Did you find him?

I pray so.

Why, he's all right, isn't he?

I pray so.

He's got a lock and a key, anyway.

Look, Aunty Shell.

A clubber.

It's a woolly hat, isn't it?

It's a secret off Marina.

We're doing stuffed vine leaves later so
we can have a Greek night tonight.

So I can face another one? Oh, you'll
feel better after that, Papa.

Look after them for me, Mum.

Don't ever invite me to another Greek
funeral.

You weren't invited to the last one.

As far as half the tennis club are
concerned, I ducked out of a charity

fundraiser in order to put myself about
at a drunken Hellenic orgy. Can you

believe that?

Yeah? Where was that?

Here, yesterday.

Yeah? While I was at the funeral?

I'm talking about the funeral.

I was Mr. Best Bits.

I should have known there were no
brownie points to be had around you two.

Melanie Fishman is having an absolute
field day.

It'll take a personal trip to Ethiopia
to salvage this.

Or a sponsored run.

No, Ethiopia.

But if you don't mind, I'll take leave.

Somewhere, we are needed.

Try the cold clinic.

Oh, God, I'm knackered.

Go and sit down. I'll bring you a cup of
tea.

It's a pity you missed it, Shell.

They was really nice people.

Ever so warm and appreciative.

By the end of the evening, I've got two
invites for dinner, use of a villa on

Mykonos, and a discount card for that
butcher's up Kentish Town Road.

I'm sorry I was so mean about it. I
won't be next time.

Great people are really great to be
around.

They give you a lift, don't they? Sort
of give you energy.

But then I'm not married to one.

What will I do?

When I'm alone with only dreams