Original subtitles

That won't come true What I

do

Funny,

isn't it?

Stick a bloke in a kitchen and he don't know one end of a saucepan from another.

Let him play around with a barbecue and all of a sudden he's the greatest chef

in the world.

I think it takes him back to being Boy Scouts. You know, sitting around the

campfire and that.

Yeah, some men never grow up.

Spend their lives playing silly games.

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

How do you like your steaks?

Cooked.

Preferably today.

It's nice of you to invite us over anyway, Dore. Because we don't get to

much of Marcus these days.

You don't get to see much of Marcus.

That's him over there.

The incompetent by the barbecue.

You two having a ding -dong.

Marcus and I haven't had a ding -dong for years.

He's never here.

The whole I'm in here in the middle of having a barney.

Nothing that need worry you, Trey.

Anyway, I'm going to be around for the rest of the week.

Right. I'm just going to get the lamb chops.

Gone again.

What's the matter with you, Dorian?

I've had enough, that's all.

Just fed up with Marcus being away all the time. I think you should spend more

time at home.

What? I thought you preferred it when Marcus was away.

No, not at all.

I quite like having a man about the house.

You always do have a man about the house.

That's why I thought you preferred it when Marcus was away.

It may come as a surprise to you, Tracy, given your circumstances.

But it is usual for a husband and wife to spend some time together.

Don't start on me just because you've got the amp.

He's never here.

For all I see of Marcus, I may as well be a widow.

In fact, in many ways, I'd prefer to be a widow.

Cheer up, Dor.

Have another drink.

Here we are, then.

Lamb chops.

How do you want them, Sharon?

Do you want them with rosemary?

No. I'll have mine with Tracy and Dorian.

Very good.

Any vacancies in your cafe for a junior chef?

As you can see, I'm pretty hot stuff.

Ha!

How are things going in the catering trade?

A bit iffy at the moment.

I'm having a bit of trouble with the inland revenue.

Why, what's the problem?

I don't know.

They sent me a letter, but I can't understand it.

Do you want me to have a look at it? Sort it out for you?

Oh, would you, Marcus?

Oh, that'd be brilliant.

No problem.

I'll pop around tomorrow evening and see what I can do.

Oh, great.

Going out again.

Anything rather than staying at home.

Come on, Dorian.

Give it a rest, will you?

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

There's nothing to hold me back now. I can start doing a bit of business again.

What do you mean, again?

He'd never done any business before.

Will you shut up and listen for a minute?

See, I can use the phone, can't I? For buying and selling.

This geezer on my landing told me all about it. He knew Gerald Ronson.

Who? Gerald Ronson.

And Gerald Ronson, when he was in Ford Open, ran the whole of his business

empire from the end of a phone.

What business empire?

I don't know exactly.

I think he invented the cigarette lighter.

See, Now I can use the phone, I'm in a position to arrange orders.

Chris, I ain't running up here with takeaway egg and chips.

I'm talking about special orders.

Buying in supplies for the calf.

I've heard, from a friend of a friend, about a load of stuff that's going

We don't want it.

We've already got it. I've done the deal.

You ain't no right.

I run that calf. You keep your slutty nose out. You won't say that when you

the details.

Look, the...

Tinned tomatoes, baked beans, cheeses, all that sort of stuff, eh?

Big catering pack and all for next to nothing, eh? What do you say to that?

I say keep your snotty nose out.

Oh, be reasonable, Sharon.

Look, this is a deal no -one could turn down.

I mean, the more you buy, the cheaper it gets. It's called bulk buying.

It's called being conned.

No -one does deals like that.

They do if they know the right people, eh?

And I know the right people.

Look, according to Barry... Who's Barry?

Well, he's the friend of a friend. Anyway, according to Barry, this is a

-in -a -lifetime opportunity.

He says it's a very hush -hush operation.

It's even got a code name.

It's code named... Food.

Yeah, I thought he was clever.

Do you know something, Chris Theodoblobitus?

You've got even thicker since you've been in here.

Oh, you reckon?

You can't take it, can you, eh?

Gets well up your nose, doesn't it?

What does?

Me, being successful.

You're in the nick, for God's sake!

All right, all right, for the moment. But, I mean, I've got plans.

You underestimate me.

You think I'm useless, don't you?

Yeah.

When Barry delivers that stuff and you start making money hand over fist,

realise that I'm a major player.

I'll be like a stockbroker.

You what?

Stockbrokers do all their business on the end of a phone.

Look, this geezer on my land, he told me all about it. He says you can make a

fortune from inside the dealing.

What are you on about?

Don't you get it, Sharon?

I'm inside and I'm dealing.

Your choice was mine.

Scorpio, today your math will be two steps ahead of your brain as usual.

So if you've got any sense, you'll keep your big gob shut.

Don't really say that, does it?

No, of course not. I made it up. Good advice, though.

Give me here.

All right, Paul.

How's things?

Difficult, Tracy.

Difficult.

I don't know quite what is going to happen today.

Here, I'll tell you.

Virgo, there's a laugh.

You are at a crossroads in your life and are not sure which path to take.

That's very true.

However, rest assured as there is a bright future ahead for you and your

partner. Who is your partner at the moment? Is it still the bloke from the

garage? You know, the quick fit fitter?

No, he's exhausted.

Perhaps when they say your partner, they mean Marcus.

Perhaps your future with him is looking bright.

I very much doubt it.

Where was he yesterday?

He said he was going to come round and help me with my tax.

Was he?

You know he was.

Well, I'm not responsible for what he does or doesn't do.

So can he come round later?

No. I thought you weren't responsible for him. Look, what Marcus does is no

concern of mine. I don't interfere in his affairs.

As long as you don't interfere in your affairs, eh?

Sharon, you go too far.

Well, when you do speak to him, can you tell him that I'm up to here with a

taxman? Yes, well, I very much doubt I shall speak to him again.

Barry, can you put these right in the back?

There's no more room in the back, it's full.

How many more are there? Only a couple.

Oh, for God's sake!

They're small ones, all right.

It's the funniest looking baked beans I've ever seen.

That's because they're olives.

I don't care who they belong to.

They're not baked beans.

No, I don't mean they're olives. I mean they're olives.

I know what they are. They're just not the baked beans I was expecting.

Oh, well, I don't know nothing about that.

Right. Chris said I was getting baked beans and ten tamales and stuff. He

mention nothing about olives. It's got nothing to do with me. I'm just

delivering it. This is what he's bought.

What's in the other box?

Don't know.

It's more olives.

Oh, well, you'll be all right for olives, then.

Right. What's in that one? Open it up.

What is it? Is it the same?

No.

Well, what is it?

Well, it's olives, but they're in smaller jars.

I don't believe this.

Where did all this lot come from?

My supplier.

And who's he?

Look, this is a very hush -hush operation.

I can't say too much about it.

It's nicked, isn't it?

Not really.

What do you mean, not really?

Either it's nicked or it's not nicked. Look, I can't stand here arguing with

you. I've done the deal with Chris.

Now, just give us my 250 quid and I'll be off.

How much? 250 quid.

But you've done the deal with Chris, didn't he, Paya?

Don't be daft. He's in prison, ain't you heard?

Well, you're out of luck, Barry.

I've got 250 quid. What do you think this place is, the Ritz?

No, it's one of the pits, innit?

Well, I'm sorry, mate. We'll just have to take it all back. I can't take it

back. The deal's a deal. I've done the deal with Chris.

But not with me.

I haven't got that sort of cash.

I've only got about 50 quid in the till.

That'll do.

Give us that and I'll come back for the rest later.

I think, Chris, I'll murder him. So, he was right.

Who was?

Chris. He said on the phone he was a stroppy cat.

What?

Bell tap.

You're grunting like a pig.

I'm not grunting like a pig. I'm singing like a pig.

It's so amusing.

Well, I suppose we just never thought you were the horny -handed plum of the

soil.

Horny, yeah. Forget the rest.

You'll be going down the stables next week.

Or following the police horses down the road with a duck pen.

Oh, please.

What are you going to plant there, then?

I haven't decided yet.

Knowing you, it'll probably be bedding -out plants.

Here, Sharon. Barry, if you've come for your 200 quid, you can stuff it. You can

stuff your olives as well.

You want stuffed olives? No, I don't want any bleeding olives.

I never did want olives. I thought I was getting baked beans.

What am I meant to do with these?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's what I've come about, see?

You haven't used any of them yet, have you?

Used them?

I ain't even unpacked them all yet. What about the cheese?

What cheese?

Have you sold any cheese?

I didn't know I had cheese.

Yeah, there's four cases of blueberry back there.

fool that is. What am I meant to do with that?

Get rid of it quick.

What? Get rid of it. Stash it. Dump it. Tuck it away.

I knew it. I flipping knew it. It's nicked, isn't it? No.

Well, yeah.

But not really.

I had a law on to you.

No. Not the law.

Someone else.

Right, Barry. I want the truth.

Spill the beans.

Well, there aren't any beans. It's just olives and cheese. Yeah, I mean, where

did you nick it from?

Well, I didn't really nick it.

I thought they didn't want it.

You see, I work for this food importer.

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

All right, doll.

Look, I'm afraid I'm in a bit of a hurry. I'm going to visit Daryl, OK?

Yes, I know. That's why I'm here.

I thought if you were going to visit the incarcerated, you might like some of

these.

I've been having a clear out of Marcus's things and I thought, well, rather than

give them to war on want, you and Sharon might like them.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Not for yourselves, you understand.

For your husbands.

They all don't need handouts, OK?

They're not handouts.

The thing is, Marcus has taken up so much space in one of my wardrobes that

something's got to give.

Or someone's got to give.

Precisely. And it's me. I'm giving away his clothes.

I may be rude, but Daryl's got his pride. He wouldn't wear someone else's

off. Would Chris?

Oh, yeah, he would.

Give them to him, then.

It would be nice to know that some underprivileged person is getting some

pleasure out of them.

Because Marcus won't be needing them anymore.

Come up here a minute.

Hurry up!

What? The lights out. I'm going to have a look but don't let them see you.

It's like bloody hell.

What do you think we should do?

I think we should have another drink.

Put that in a squag.

What do you think is going on?

I don't know what to think.

You know what it looked like?

Yeah.

It looked like they were burying something.

Or someone.

No, that's ridiculous.

What was she doing out there at this time of night?

Well, she said, didn't she?

Gardening.

Don't be so stupid. What was she planting then, dafts?

Well, I don't know, do I? And who was the Incredible Hulk?

A landscape gardener?

How should I know?

Something very dodgy going on.

There's probably some perfectly ordinary explanation.

What?

I don't know!

When she said she was gardening, what did you think?

I thought it was a bit odd.

A bit odd? A bit odd?

What would you say if it's there under a car doing a bit of spot welding?

Right, all right, I get your point.

You don't normally see Dorian doing things with her hands.

Well, you do, but... Not that sort of thing. Working.

Dorian's probably got an insurance policy on her nail varnish.

You can't tell me she was gardening. She was digging an hole. She was getting

ready to bury something.

Yeah, OK.

What did it look like?

Well, it looked like a...

He did, didn't he?

How tall would you say Marcus is?

Oh, come on, Tracey. This is stupid. What are you saying? I ain't saying

nothing.

It's just that we haven't seen Marcus around.

We don't always see Marcus around.

Well, we see him on Sunday.

Well, there you are then.

And he said he was going to be around all week. He said he'd come over and

you sort out your tax. Well, he didn't. Where was he?

And maybe he's lying on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood.

Oh, give over. You're pissed, you are.

Have another drink.

They were having an argy -bargy at the barbecue, weren't they?

Too right.

And I've just remembered something she said.

What?

She said she felt like a widow.

She said she felt like being a widow.

No. She said she'd prefer to be a widow.

Yeah, but that's just something you say, isn't it?

I mean, I say I could murder Chris. I don't really mean it.

Come to think of it, I do, I do.

She came round today with a bag full of Marcus's clothes.

Said he wouldn't be needing them anymore.

What? I brought them up the nick, gave them to Daryl. He didn't want them, so I

left them for Chris.

He took them, of course. Yeah.

He could be wearing dead men's boots.

Yeah, you're right. We're going over the top. Yeah.

There's probably some perfectly ordinary explanation.

Some very good reason why Dorian was burying something,

something quite big, in the garden in the middle of the night.

What?

You're right, she's done him in, hasn't she?

It's all right, it's only Chris.

What do you mean, it's all right, it's only Chris? Listen, gal, I'm your

husband. I know, you don't need to rub it in.

Look, I just thought I'd give you a bell to see if the you -know -what has been

you -know -what -y by you -know -who.

What are you talking about, you stupid prat?

Sharon, think where I'm talking from.

I have to be discreet.

Now, I'm going to use the code name.

Has the food arrived?

And are you happy with it?

It has, and I'm not.

Well, you'll never be satisfied, are you? That's your trouble.

Chris, have you any idea what you've bought?

Yeah. Ten tomatoes, you know, baked beans, eggs, all that sort of stuff.

No. No, not quite.

You've got green...

and blue brie.

Blimey. We've landed a consignment of luxury goods.

I say, no wonder Barry said it was a hush -hush operation. Had to be code

food.

I've got news for you.

It's not code -named food.

It's condemned food.

Condemned food.

Fit for human consumption.

The olives are green because they're mouldy. They've gone off.

on the outside.

You've been done, mate.

Oh, no.

I thought we was going to make a killing.

Well, that stuff you probably would have done.

Listen, can't you knock it out at half price?

Chris, it's poisonous.

Well, I'm sure you'll think of some way of shifting it.

I already have shifted it. It's stuck here in the kitchen. I had to move it

before the elf people come round.

I'm sure you'll think of something to do with it.

Oh, I thought of something I'd like to do with it, all right.

I'd like to shove it right up... I've got to go now, Cheryl. I've got all my

phone cards running out.

That Chris.

I could murder him.

Don't say that.

Listen, Cheryl, I've been thinking.

That Dorian and Marcus and that... Look, I know it goes against the grain.

But I think we should call the police.

How can we with all this stuff here?

What are you going to say?

Never mind the radioactive cheese, officer.

I'd like you to come and look at the dead body in the garden next door.

We've got to do something. We've got to find out if it's Marcus or not.

Do you know what?

This is really scary.

Which end do you think you've got?

Do you know?

Yeah, do the feet.

Oh, my God.

I hope I've got the feet.

I could cope with the feet.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I said, Pete, of course you'd do this once in a film.

Do what?

Grave robbing.

Shut up. We are not grave robbing.

What do you think you're doing?

Marcus, it's you.

Of course it's me.

Why are you digging up my garden?

And what is that?

We thought it was you.

Now come on, what have you got wrapped up in that blanket?

Um... Um...

They're my golf clubs.

Why are you burying my golf clubs?

Not burying them.

We were digging them up.

You see, there was this man in your garden.

Shifty looking bloke.

Obviously up to no good.

He was burying them.

What? My golf clubs?

Yeah, but we didn't know what he was burying, so we came out here to find

Well, who was he? And why was he doing that?

Probably a burglar.

He looked like a burglar, didn't he? Yes, yes. He did. Yeah, yeah, a burglar.

He was going to...

bury them and then come back to collect them later.

Burglars do that, don't they? Do they?

Yes.

Yeah, I suppose you know what goes on in the criminal mind.

I beg your pardon.

Anyway, now we've got your stuff back for you, we'll be on our way.

I don't quite know what to say.

Thank you might be nice.

Thank you, I suppose.

Think nothing of it.

Marcus, couldn't give us a bunk up over the fence, could you?

Sure.

And you didn't say you saw me there as well?

Of course not, though. What do you take us for?

You didn't think we'd grass you up, did you?

Did he really swallow the story about it being a burglar?

Hook, line and sinker.

He's running round now, examining the security system.

Trying to work out why the alarm didn't go off.

Keep him busy for days.

Who was that Mr. Muscles in your garden? Is he your latest?

Whose friend? No. He's actually my last.

Turned out to be a big disappointment.

Muscles everywhere, except where they were needed.

But why were you burying Marcus's golf clubs?

Because I wanted to stop him playing golf.

Bit drastic, isn't it?

He was going to live them for the weekend with Melanie Fishman. He was

with her.

Is that what they call it?

Ornament. They were drawn together in the mixed foursome.

Oh. And you got the aunt because you didn't want Melanie and Marcus drawn

together afterwards.

In a mixed twosome. You thought she'd pull him.

She couldn't pull a cracker at a Christmas party.

That's not what I've heard. Loathsome bitch.

I'll never speak to her again.

Thought she was your best mate. Not anymore.

Just because Sven preferred me to her, which is hardly surprising, she got into

a complete rage and then the spike full madam threatened to tell Marcus about

him. And you didn't want him strolling around the golf course making idle

conversations. Exactly.

He's been unbearable. I tried to persuade him not to play golf, saying I

him to stay at home. We'd work on our marriage.

Wouldn't believe me.

We wouldn't believe you either.

No one would believe that.

So he stormed off in a huff. He was away for days.

Is that why he didn't come round about my tax?

Yes. But he's back now.

Tail between his legs.

He says he'll scratch.

He'll what?

Scratch.

Has he caught something?

From the tournament.

He won't play golf.

And by the way, if you saw me burying his golf clubs, why were you digging

up?

We weren't digging them up.

We weren't after them. We were, uh... We were... We were drunk.

Yes, well, you've left a big hole in my garden. What are you going to do about

it?

Philly.