All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s05e04 Absent Friends

Sorry, Mum. No time for breakfast.

No time?

Look, I know I can't compete with the
fast food chains, but I'm doing me best

here. Look, I've done your bald eggs.

Just how you like them, soft -boiled.

You're joking.

They've been banging away in there since
seven o 'clock this morning.

I told you, after an hour they become
offensive weapons.

You've got to eat something. What about
your soldiers?

Oh, I'll have a couple.

Give the rest to Dorian.

Eh? Yeah, go on, start the day with a
laugh. Shout across the door. Tell her

you've got some soldiers for her, then
you can stand back and watch her vault

the edge.

What's the big rush?

I just want to catch somebody before
college starts.

Oh, yeah?

What's her name, then?

Mrs Lloyd.

You'd better be winding me up.

Oh, hello.

Just learning to walk again, are we?

Grace, don't ever let me hit the tequila
like that again.

Don't let you?

Once you get hold of a bottle of
spirits, girl, there ain't much anyone

about it.

Besides, the last person that tried to
stop me nearly got themselves bottled.

I don't remember that. I do. It was me.

You've got tequila, Trace. I mean, it's
Mexican, for God's sake.

Oh, I don't know if my tongue feels like
a cactus.

I had a good night's kip, though.

Poor that kip. More like a Mexican coma.

He missed all the action.

Flashing lights, coppers dashing about
all over the place, getting excited.

Not in my bedroom, I hope.

Over at number 16, another robbery.

By the look of it, that's the third in
this road in a fortnight.

Number 16.

Oh, it couldn't happen to a nicer pair.

I hope they got cleared out.

Door handles, light fittings, the lot. I
hope they even nicked their bog roll

holder.

They've hated you since you moved in.

Well, they hate you more.

Yeah.

It's not competition, is it?

Hi.

God, you look grim.

But then I thought you would.

It was like watching a display by ten
stone of human blotting paper.

Still, I expect you're paying for it
today, eh, cactus mouth?

Don't mock the afflicted. Yes, well,
served you right for not passing the

round.

Anyway, I want to introduce you to
someone.

This is Reg.

Reg is a very close friend.

Official. Hello.

I've heard all about you.

Not from Dorian, we hope.

Reg just turned up at my door.

Your card in the newsagent's paying off
then.

Listen to that, Reg. Isn't it wonderful?

Tired, hungover, half asleep, and still
she can manage to get up people's noses.

Actually, I'm a security consultant.

Alarms, video systems, you know, that
sort of thing. Oh, yeah? I suppose it's

just a coincidence you happened to turn
up in the middle of a crime wave.

Coincidence? No, of course not.

Business is business, Tracy.

It's an ill wind and all that.

Reg is giving my place a room -by -room
assessment.

Got to the downstairs rooms yet?

It's just with all these break -ins and
Marcus away for months, I was desperate

for security.

After all, I'm a woman alone.

I am vulnerable to the sudden intrusion.

Oh, I see.

So he's wired up your knickers and all
then.

I'll hear nothing against Dorian. She's
a warm, compassionate, intelligent and

very perceptive woman.

Say it again, Reg. I don't think it's
thank you.

Well, we hope you both be very happy.

Yeah, till her husband gets home anyway.

No need to race that far ahead.

Life's short enough, eh? Yes, and we
must save her every moment.

Come on, Reg, I'm feeling savoury. Bye.

Take care.

And you.

Amazing, isn't it?

The only blokes that turn up at our door
are Jehovah's Witnesses with halitosis.

Trace?

Is that a time? It's half twelve. I
should have opened the cafe three hours

You're all right. It's four hours past.

The clock's got put forward four hours
last night. It's something to do with

British summertime.

What? You don't go forward four hours.
It does when Sharon's rat -assed.

Oh, Tracy.

It's the third time I've phoned her.

She's not like Tracy.

She's not working. She should be home
this time of the morning.

On the other hand, that could be a
perfectly innocent explanation.

What do you mean, on the other hand?

It's all right, Daryl. I know what
you're thinking.

Hey, whose bed is she in now?

Who's she screwing?

Is it that flashed little geezer down at
the patisserie, eh? Is it that big

geezer down there off, eh?

It's all right, Del. I understand.

But you mustn't think like that.

I wasn't thinking like that.

What are you going to say these things
for, eh? Because I understand, Del. I

understand.

I always think Sharon's off screwing
around.

She is.

Yeah, well, that's what I understand.

I can't believe it. I'm glad that
someone would do that.

Look, Mum, forget it.

It's just from something sicko. Someone
crying out for a lobotomy.

This road's full of them.

Yeah, but who'd go to all that trouble
out of spite?

Saving the clip in your dad's court
case, popping it and then posting it to

Garthy's right, Trace. Just bin it.

That's right, Mum. Forget them all.

Oh.

Oh. What do you mean there's been
others?

We kept quiet because we didn't want to
worry you, Trace.

the second one off today.

Funny how you ain't been robbed at all.
We reckon it's you what knows a thing or

two. Here it's written in Popney.

Someone trying to disguise their
Chigwell accent.

These are accusations, Cheryl.

They can't do this. We ain't done
nothing.

I'm going to ring the police.

You are joking.

It's probably them what wrote it.

Sorry.

Well, might do her good to argue with
someone different for a change.

So, who's this Mrs Lloyd I keep hearing
about?

Just somebody who works in the office at
college.

She has problems, you know, so she likes
to talk to me.

And you've cast yourself as the good
listener, the caring and considerate

Yeah. Tried to be the rugged, treat and
rough type last term. That didn't work.

No? No.

Never got laid once.

What do you mean there's nothing you can
do about it?

Listen... Alan Sugar lives round the
corner. He gets a few threats from some

spur supports and you have his ass
surrounded.

Yeah, well, we've been friends and all
and we've done nothing to Terry

What? What's my husband doing?

Twelve years, that's what. The point is,
what are you doing?

I don't think it was a good idea to
mention the married bit to your mum. I

it didn't exactly go down a bomb, did
it?

Well, you know what mum's like.

Gets a bit overdramatic.

It's easier to talk about it to you,
aren't you, Shell?

Oh. Any time, Garfield. Any... time.

You've got any problems in that area,
you come and discuss them with me.

You know your auntie shall.

Always happy to talk dirty.

What do you mean I've been watching too
much EastEnders?

You're the police. You're supposed to
protect us.

What do you mean I've been watching too
much of the bill? It's not me that's

been watching too much television. It's
you that's not watched enough.

Ever seen Crime Watch?

Sounds like they've played their usual
role as uniformed waste of space.

Good, isn't it?

As soon as you say you're a prisoner's
wife, you might as well take your human

rights and flush them down the loo. Come
on, Mum. Chill out.

Don't let them get to you.

It's just the work of a local pervert.
Yeah, but which local pervert?

Hi.

What do you know about this?

It came through the door half an hour
ago.

It's a report of Daryl's court case.

No other message?

Oh, well, it couldn't have been me.

I would have written something
insulting. Wouldn't have been able to

Yeah, well, someone wasn't able to.
Look.

Not guilty.

Besides, I don't speak or write Cockney.

Never went to night school.

I hope you didn't mind me bringing Reg
round.

Show him off, you mean? Yes, he was
rather tasty, wasn't he? I sent him away

the afternoon while I recharged my
batteries. You know how it is.

Yeah, with the older models.

Still, he's coming back later.

After the meeting.

What meeting's that, then?

Oh, just the neighbourhood watch
meeting. Oh, is that the time?

Mustache, lots of little pate things to
make. What time's this meeting, then? I

might pop over.

What? Oh, I wouldn't bother, Tracy. The
pate's not up to much. It's the one you

recommended. And the rest are Jewish
things.

You wouldn't know how to eat them.

Anyway, you never come.

You've never been yet.

You always avoid the neighbours.

Yes, but with all these burglaries going
on, people must have something to say

about it. Oh, let them say what they
will. Oh, you know what they're like.

come and listen? Why upset yourself?

I... Oh, mustache.

Hang about, hang about.

This meeting.

Do I take it we're on the agenda?

Well, you might get a mention.

In passing, of course.

I mean, the whole meeting isn't about
you.

I mean, we will be discussing other
things.

If there's time.

I knew it.

The fingers are pointing, the knives are
out.

It's not just one that I show, it's all
of them.

Well, look at it from their point of
view.

Your criminal connections... Who's
driving you on? Oh, well, yours, of

I mean, I know an ugly rumour when I
hear one. God knows I've started

To that meeting, tonight, I will not
hear a word against you.

I mean, for heaven's sake.

It's me.

Florian, I'm your friend.

I will defend you to the hilt.

Now, please, please, could we curb this
excess of emotion? This is Tickwell, not

Brixton. But these people are from a
known criminal background.

Proven, in the courts.

And you should know their movements
better than we do. After all, they are

friends of yours.

Ah, now then...

Could we just clarify the situation?

Next door neighbours, yes. Friends,
hardly.

I thought the relationship was
understood. They do my laundry.

That sort of thing.

But in their defence, I must say that
apart from the odd pillowcase going

missing, I have absolutely no reason to
question their honesty.

Why don't you come over here and say,
eh?

Ignore him, you said.

I can't.

sneak a bit closer and have an earwig,
eh?

I ain't that interested.

You ain't interested in what they're
saying about you and your Daryl.

Oh, come on, Trace.

We can sneak through the hedge and crawl
across the lawn.

It'd be like when we was kids.

Go on, then.

You go first.

Oh, God, nothing changes, does it?

Hello?

Hi, Dad.

No, no, she isn't, actually. I think she
must have gone across the door. Yeah,

OK, I'll get you the number.

All right, all right. I will concede the
point.

People who have known criminal
connections are a potential threat to

community. Particularly your friends
next door.

I thought I had clarified that
situation, Gwen.

Dear, I rarely go over there. They never
come here.

In fact, they wouldn't recognise this
place if they saw it on the inside

of hello.

Oh, and, uh, by the way, we are hoping
to make the next issue.

Fingers crossed.

What was that?

My God.

Intruders. Gordon, intruders.

No, no, it's all right, dear. It's not
our place.

But I'll have a look for you, Mrs.
Green. That's very nably of you, Mr.

No, it couldn't be. Yes, it could be.

It is. They're running away.

Look, the fat one's caught up in the
roses.

Oh, somebody get the phone, for goodness
sake. I'll get it for you.

You see, people with criminal
connections, they were nothing. That's

do. They call it knocking the joint.

Pacing the joint, you stupid woman.

She even talks like them.

Tracy who?

Just a minute.

Where are you ringing from?

Good God, do they allow that?

It's a man ringing from prison.

OK, I've got it.

He was off the mark, a bit sharpish. I
bet that's his married woman.

Don't say nothing about what I told you.

What? Listen, you pervert. If you call
her again, I'll just stick it, will you?

What's all that about?

Oh, nothing. Just one of them cranky
calls again.

Again?

What, you mean we'll be getting phone
calls and all?

Good at keeping secrets, aren't we?

I didn't want to tell you, Trace. I was
not to worry you.

Anyway, you're guaranteed to overreact.

Overreact? Up.

Well, thank you very much.

I'll get threatening letters, weird
phone calls, the police won't help,

turn their back, and you're worried
they'll overreact.

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing? I'm phoning
my MP.

Yeah, well, it's all very well messing
about for a married woman, but what

Mr Lloyd?

He's away.

Look, I really think you should tell
your mum about this.

I mean, away, away where?

Pentonville.

I really don't think you should tell
your mum about me.

No, I don't want to come to his surgery.
There's nothing wrong with me. I just

want to speak to him.

Tracey Stubbs. I'm a prisoner's wife.

No, I'm not a battered wife.

I don't care how sympathetic he is to
them. I'm not getting battered just to

speak to him.

Just relax.

Once we get letters, then we get phone
calls.

The next thing you know, there'll be a
mob coming up the drive with a nasty bit

of clothesline.

Pull yourself together, girl.

Oh.

It's one of them calls, I know it is.

Look, let's think about this.

We could answer it and tell him where to
stick it.

But is aggro the best policy choice?

I mean, that's what they want, isn't it?
To know they've got to you.

They've got to me, they've got to me.

Or we could do what Garfield says.

Just forget it. You know, ignore it.

Maybe it'll go away.

Nobody's answering.

Again.

Can we talk about this, Mrs Lloyd?

It's nothing, Mum. Forget it.

And don't keep saying that.

First forget the letters, then forget
the phone calls, now forget this married

woman. The only way I can keep you happy
is to walk around with permanent

amnesia. All right, Mum. All right.

What's Aunty Shell told you?

Nothing. I ain't a grass.

Do you mind?

She's lying.

She's grassed you right up.

How could you?

It's nothing serious, Mum.

I mean, I've been to bed with her, if
that's what you think.

I haven't even been back to her place.

I'm glad to hear it.

No. We usually sneak into the common
room.

Think about it, Garth. What sort of
woman would do that?

Why do you think it's called the common
room?

Look, what if it was me cheating on your
dad, eh? What if some college kid was

sniffing round me? How would you feel
about that?

Well, I'd give him a good hiding. Yeah,
and has Mrs Lloyd got a son that's going

to do this to you?

No.

No?

Well... Look...

If you don't kick this Mrs Lloyd into
touch right now, I don't care if you are

twice my size, I'm going to give you the
biggest item of your life.

Better knock it on the head then.

Rosie, where have you been?

Just parking the car.

Then Sharon wanted the loo. No, I've
been phoning and phoning you at home.

You're never there.

I'm always there.

Not when I phone you not.

What are you doing?

Eh?

Just living me life, you know, in and
out.

Don't put me in prison and all, Daryl.
I'll have to escape sometime to do the

shopping. I know, but what's happening?

Why is Garth lying to me?

Eh? Snubs at number 20 got done last
night.

That's four in ten days.

Yeah, that'd be Harris.

Good, isn't he?

Eh? Harris?

He's an old mate of Dallas from
Maystone.

Yeah, he went out there last month.
Always fancied Chigwell.

Fancied it?

I reckon he's got a bit passionate about
it lately, if you ask me.

He's got that young ass that ain't been
done. yet.

Oh, no.

He won't do yours.

Oh, no, no. Dad will swear that with him
before he's split.

Oh, you're safe, yeah.

And so's your mate. You know, the old
goer from next door.

That makes us look guilty and all,
doesn't it?

I mean, they're already pointing the
finger.

If this he's a mate of yours, can't you
have a word with him? Can't you stop

him? Stop him?

We can't do that. This is living.

You don't understand, Chris.

Life is getting unbearable.

We are talking spite. It's here.

And in Chigwell, it comes in bulk.

We've got a problem.

Think about it. Have I got this.

People will be pointing a finger unless
you get burbled.

Yes. Well, why didn't you say?

Well, that's no problem.

So relax.

I'll get an answer phone.

And in future, it'll be Wednesdays about
six -ish and Fridays about seven -ish.

That way I'll know it's you and it'll be
our time together.

Yeah. I'm sorry I got all wound up.

You do in here.

Especially if you share a cell with
Slee's brain over there.

That's the Garfield.

Well, he does his best. He tries to look
after me. But he ain't you, Daryl.

I'm still waiting for my old boss.

You were just a little late arriving,
dear.

I hope you're going to stay.

You know I'm a stayer.

I can see flashing blue lights.

That's what they all say.

Come on, let's see some sparks as well.

Now look, Dorian, there's a flashing
blue light in the street.

Yes, well, the street's outside. We're
in here. Why waste the privacy?

Looks like a police light. Next door.
Shouldn't we check it out? Yes, well, we

can't go out there half undressed.

But we're not. Well, if you just stand
still for a minute.

We're supposed to be friends of yours.

Friends like those who need a cold
shower.

Well, I'd say you've been very lucky.
All the stuff's packed up, ready to go.

You must have disturbed them.

Well, my CD player's still here. And all
my discs.

Wouldn't be surprised if you find it all
there, myself.

Mrs Green, a concerned neighbour.

Since when?

Don't say you've dashed out of your
house and left it unlocked.

Oh, it's all right. There is a man on
the premises.

But don't tell her husband.

Oh, that Mrs Green.

Have a check round the house, see if
it's OK. Give me a ring in the morning.

right?

Good night. Good night. Thanks.

Well, go on then.

Have a good look.

We've been done and all now. We're in
the same boat as everyone else now.

Yeah. So let's all point our finger at
those that haven't been done.

How dare you?

Ah, your criminal connections are well
known these days.

That is slanderous.

I could sue.

I do not and have never mixed with
criminals.

All my friends are clean, decent,
upright and gorgeous.

Is everything all right in here?

No, it isn't.

Take me away from this cesspit of
treachery. I need to lie down.

No change there, then.

You sure you're both OK?

Yeah, we're fine, thanks. Yeah, it
doesn't look like nothing's been nicked.

hope not.

Well, good night.

Give my regards to Daryl.

Tell him Reggie Harris says chin up.