All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s05e03 Non Starter

Tracy, you look wonderful.

No, Sharon?

She's had no driving lesson.

I thought the streets of Chigwell were
very quiet.

She'd have been gone half an hour. She
can't have killed everyone.

For you.

What are you after?

I just bought you some flowers from my
garden.

You haven't got any of these in your
garden. Have I not?

They're not very nice, are they? That'll
teach me not to shop at petrol

stations.

They are pretty dreadful, but I'd like
you to have them.

Your new visiting order. How exciting.

Well, it is, actually. It's our last
visit to Maidstone. Next time we see

they'll be at Highdown.

Highdown.

Has a wonderful ring to it.

Conjures up pictures of white Tudor
gable end peeping out over ancient oaks

copper beaches.

It's a ruddy prison door. Maybe moved to
a health farm.

I don't know.

But they deserve something nicer, don't
they?

Dot, what is it? What are you after?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Then why are you being so nice?

I'm a nice person.

Only when you want something.

So, come on, what is it? What's the
favour?

Well, it's not a favour, really.

More an indulgence.

How do you mean?

Well, should the phone ring?

Probably won't.

But if it does, and someone starts
asking about high -quality and carefully

furniture,

I mean, you never know, they might.

But if they do, could you give me a
shout?

Aye? A shout.

Across the shrubbery.

Nothing too raucous or crude, so you'd
better not let Sharon do it.

In a backdoor, why would anyone be
ringing here about furniture?

Well, I decided to have a clear out,
from the spare room mainly. I mean, all

immaculate taste, of course. But, well,
you know the stigma attached to second

-hand furniture.

And you know the crowd at the tennis
club.

So, when I placed the advert in loot, I
gave this number as the one to ring.

You did what, Dorian Green?

I'll come back when you're less on edge.
In fact, you put an advert in the

newspaper to get rid of your old tat,
and you put my phone number in there.

But I've given this number up before.

You've never had it printed in a
newspaper before.

Oh, Sharon will love this.

She'll be just in the mood for this
after her driving lesson.

The sneery, sarky, suck -up little toe
-rag.

What is it with some blokes, eh?

Why do they get off on making women feel
this big? Why? I'll tell you why.

Because that's how big they are.

It's good, isn't it? You pay to get
insulted and humiliated and wound up

to come home and murder your family.

It's not bad for 15 quid.

I could spill blood. I really could.

Well, there's eight pints sitting there.
You could start on.

Go on. Tell her what you've done.

Hardly worth mentioning, Sharon.

Storm in a teacup.

Our good friend and neighbour here has
put an advert in the newspaper to flog

some of her old tats, and she's put our
phone number in the advert.

For this fun here.

People phoning us about your junk.

Oh, good God, it's only an advert for
some furniture.

I mean, it's not as if I've advertised a
massage parlour and put your number on

it.

Oh, lucky us!

Oh, that was close. Put the baby oil
away, Trace. We've just had a narrow...

We're going to spend the rest of the day
making a lot of old men very happy.

Oh, don't give me a hard time, you two.
I've just had a big row with Marcus

about all this. I've all this gorgeous
stuff, and he said there's no money in

second -hand furniture.

He's right. There ain't. Besides, you
don't need the money. You could give it

away. That's what Marcus says, but I
just want to show him he's not the only

who can do deals.

All right, so it's only second -hand
furniture, but it's worth something.

I can sell it.

I can do deals, too.

Not on our phone, you can't. Oh, please.

Oh, all right, I'll cut you in on the
profit. How about that?

I'll give you 5%. 15.

10.

30.

But that's not how you do it.

You're supposed to stop at the figure
halfway between.

OK, so halfway between 10 and 30 is 20.

Let's say 20%, yeah, done?

20 %? Or no phone.

Done? Well, it certainly seems like it.

These may be pretty dreadful, but
they're too nice for either of you.

I need all that, don't I? Another bad
day at the dashboard.

You didn't mess up your 14 -point turn
again, did you?

The end of me and driving, Trace.

Another hour like that and I'll roll up
me highway code really tight and give

him haemorrhoids for the rest of his
life.

Sal, think of all the... Freedom it'll
give you.

It ain't worth the aggro trace.

Another six months of this and me blood
pressure will be so high they won't let

me take the test.

Oh, come on. What was it? Your uphill
start?

No. He said we're not doing that again
till he gets a new engine fitted.

Your downhill start again?

No. He bottled out of that.

It was your emergency stop, wasn't it?
There was nothing wrong with my

stop, thank you.

He hit the dashboard and I stopped in
the same street today.

It's him.

He makes me feel stupid, takes me
constantly... Oh, give yourself a

shall we? You'll get better.

See yourself in the future, bombing
about in your little hatchback.

Sharon! Baba!

Just remember why you're doing it. The
freedom, the sense of achievement.

Look, you're learning what you want to
learn. Doesn't matter who's teaching

You're right, Trace. I know.

So you teach me, then.

Aye.

It feels different, Trace. It is
different. It's mine.

Scratch it and you're dead.

We're going to Tesco, not Monte Carlo.
Get them off.

Right. Now what?

Don't ask me. It's your car.

Check your mirror.

The mirror's there.

Signal. Signal.

Manoeuvre. Manoeuvre.

Jumping trice!

Now, are you sure you've done reversing
around the corner before?

Of course I'm sure.

All right, go on then.

Just not this corner, that's all.

Now take the next right turn.

Not this right turn.

The street.

Well, you didn't say the street, did
you?

OK. When I clap my hands, I want you to
come to a complete stop.

What are we stopping here for?

I need strips.

One double wardrobe.

One single mattress and matching
headboard.

No, headboard, you stupid woman.

Why would a mattress have a matching
breadboard?

Oh, go away!

I don't believe the morons out there.

I need a drink. I need one more.

I ain't trusting you with glass. I've
just seen what you tried to do with half

tonne of metal out there.

I've never been so scared in my whole
life.

We're lucky to be alive, you know that?

You know your problem? You panic.

Your problem is you're done.

Before you have any more driving
lessons, you want to learn some lessons

survival. Learn the facts of life, girl.

Busties are bigger than us.

I need some fresh air.

No, I don't. I need the loo.

So, how's my 20 % looking?

How's the heady dealing in the junk
market?

Is the MFI index up or down?

Has there been a late rush into
wardrobes or has the bottom dropped out

bedding chests again?

You would not believe the sort of mutant
who rings up about second -hand

furniture. Yes, I would. Probably went
to school with them.

Thick, morose, illiterate, rude.

Yeah, sounds like our class.

But this one's probably for you.

Nah, sounds too morose and illiterate.

Must be for you.

I can't sell furniture with you
watching.

You can't sell furniture full stop.

Hello?

Yes.

Which particular high -class item were
you interested in?

Oh, the mattress.

Hardly used at all.

It's the one from the spare room, so the
person who slept on it most was my

mother.

Yes, of course it's clean.

What's my mother's age got to do with
it?

Oh, really?

Well, this is one old lady who hasn't
gone incontinent.

You'll be all right, Trace.

I know these lessons ain't easy, but...
You can't give up just like that.

Well, hurry up and learn, shall we?

I've done a million deaths out there.

It's been four days on the chop. My
nerves are shot to pieces.

I can't keep it in the brandy like this.

I'll be all right. I'll see if Doreen's
got some pills for me.

inches then

put

it in the other alcove no two and a half
inches is not enough clearance

so switch it with a chest of drawers and
put the dressing table back on the

other wall where the television was yes
of course you can ring me back you know

you can ring me back You have rung me
back three times. Speak to you later,

Deidre.

Welcome to the real world, Dawn.

Didn't you know it was full of pricks?

I have measured that dressing table six
times.

It is not my fault if they're disgusting
little houses of the wrong shape.

And go on.

Ask me how many scratches there are on
the headboard.

I've spent half the afternoon counting
them.

Just who do these people think they are?

They're so bloody... I mean, frankly,
why don't they shop at Harrods? I mean,

after all, they expect the same service.

Will I deliver?

Me?

Deliver a wardrobe to Croydon?

And rude?

I have had my furniture insulted from as
far away as Orpington and Sudbury.

I mean, just who are these people?

They're called the masses, Dawn.

Yes. But there are too many of them.

Oh, Sharon's been out there trying to
keep their numbers down.

I mean, I just can't take too much more
of them.

And I can't keep hitting the brandy like
this.

Come to think of it, Marcus has just got
some pills from a snooker player he

knows. Any spare?

I'll have a look.

And if Deirdre rings back, tell her to
stick that tall boy where it fits.

Another brandy? No, no, it's all right.

I'm calming down now.

Starting to get driving lessons out of
me head.

Thinking about tomorrow.

Visiting.

Seems ages since I've seen Daryl.

And it'll be the last trip to Maidstone.

Amazing, isn't it? Oh, amazing.

All the way to Maidstone. That'll be a
great lesson.

Daryl! Papa!

Second thought show, I bet I will have
that brandy.

Come on, get yourself together. It's
visiting day.

So?

No point in getting doled up. Sharon
never had any taste.

Well, we know that. Look who she
married.

She could have done a lot worse, mate.
She could have done a lot worse.

What, you mean him who used to lie in
the doorway of the laundrette with a

bottle? Well, at least she'd always know
where he was.

Right.

Prisoner 650613 and prisoner 47199.

Prepare for transfer.

Be ready by your bunks in 20 minutes.

Hang about, Mr Flowers. That's not
today.

That's after the weekend. It's visiting
day today.

Here, our wives are coming down to have
a wasted trip.

Not totally.

It's a lovely day.

Well, how come we're moving today?

How come?

Because there's a big van waiting in the
yard.

And your names are on my list.

That's how come.

So be stood by your bunks in 20 minutes.

All right, door. Just leave you in peace
to have your furniture thrown in. Thank

you, but no. Thank you.

You're not giving up on it, are you?

You stay by that phone and earn me my
20%. 20 % was the deal and we will stick

to it, but I am not, I repeat, not
passing the time of day with every Tom,

and Deirdre when I'll go to fill.

They are your actual consumers, door.

They are the people what come in the
cast.

They are the reason I come home with a
right raving hump every night.

Morons. Mutants in shell suits.

Nobody says that your average man in the
street is totally lost.

Thinks he's in another street
altogether.

I mean, how could they be expected to
appreciate my furniture?

High style and handcrafted elegance mean
nothing.

It's how many scratches it's got and
who's peed on it.

Well, enough.

From now on, I am only dealing with the
trade.

There's no money in that.

Nonsense. There must be. Look.

A whole page of people offering to buy
furniture.

Best prices paid, this one says. And
this one thinks that they all do.

Isn't that good?

Look, before you start getting involved
with second -hand dealers, just wait

till we get back, OK?

Then we'll ring them for you.

I am quite capable of making a few phone
calls.

But, Dot, you don't know who you're
dealing with. Most of them are villains

who'll just rip you off.

Tracy's right.

They're just tow rags who'll talk you
into anything.

Best leave them to us.

Besides, we probably know them.

Probably want to score with them.

I see.

That's how Marcus sees me. Thinks I
can't handle people.

Thinks I can't do deals. Well, I will
show all of you.

At least these people advertise, they
are organised, and they can spell their

own name. But they're dealers.

Of course.

Aren't we all?

Come on, let me take over now. You're
getting dangerous.

I'm not.

Everyone flattens their jobs.

This is diabolical, do you hear?

No right to move us on visiting day.
Yeah, what about our wives?

They'll miss us.

Wait there. Don't move.

What do you think you're doing? Don't
blame me.

Were you the driver, madam?

No, I'm Mrs. Stubbs. Mrs.

Theodopolopoulos was driving.

Mrs. Stubbs?

Theodopolopoulos?

I've got their husbands on board.

Eh?

Bloody hell!

And you was worried they were going to
miss us.

Blame you for this.

Hey, how do you reckon that then?

It's your wife, wasn't it?

What's Tracy thinking about letting that
stupid car drive her car?

She might as well have stuck it in a
stock car race.

This is not the bright new start we was
looking for, devil.

I mean, they dropped us right in it.

Had the police from three counties
there.

Three counties, devil.

That's more than a comfortable bank job.

That's our proxy inquiry.

Yeah, I wonder what that filth's saying
about us in there. Flowers?

He's bound to be stirring it.

That's all he knows.

Well, I've got my version in.

See if yours matches.

Can I have a word, Mr Flowers?

There's something I'd like to say.

You and me, we've had our ups and downs
over four years, whatever you do.

But the thing is, you was always fair,
and I respect you for that.

There ain't many decent human beings in
the prison service, but in my book,

you're one of them.

Just wanted to say that.

Well, I mean, I didn't say nothing bad
about you in there.

I mean, I didn't stir it or put the boot
in. Anything like that.

Played it fair.

Know what I mean?

Relieved to hear that, Mr Flowers.

Right. Bog off, you rancid scumbag!

Right.

OK. I'll wait for him to get in touch.

Thanks for ringing.

Bye.

It was the prison. We can put it through
their insurance.

Won't cost us nothing.

That's the second time they've rung.
They must be in the wrong.

Well, yeah. It was your right of way.

So it's not actually my fault?

Not technically, no.

But an emergency stop wouldn't have been
a bad idea.

A van pulling out in front of you is an
emergency, shall.

You don't have to write to the Ministry
of Transport for permission to put your

brakes on.

Well, if it isn't the Chigwell Ram
Raiders.

How's the furniture business?

How's the driving?

Oh, I saw the slight error of judgment
parked out the front.

You actually made the nine o 'clock news
last night.

Yeah, we heard.

But you didn't quite make the headlines.

You were the funny item at the end.

The one that's supposed to cheer us all
up.

Or in this case, make us all feel very
clever.

Yes, well, I've decided to give the
driving a rest for a while.

Till I get a better teacher.

A different teacher.

Yes, a different teacher.

Who's better.

Someone that's more suited to my
temperament.

Like a part -time wall -a -death rider.

So, that's us.

What about you?

What happened to this mega deal that was
going down?

Didn't it happen?

Of course.

But, well, you know what dealers are.

Of course we do.

But didn't you push the high -quality
angle?

You know, tell him how lucky he was to
get it haggled and negotiate?

Of course.

So, what's the deal?

Well, are you still in for 20 %?

Of course.

Oh, good.

Then you owe me 20 pounds.

Each after 100 quid to take it away.