Original subtitles

At last, a double.

Seems as if I've been in jail longer than your husband.

Sorry. Insensitive remark.

Ah, Bow Street. That's mine. You owe me.

Haven't any money?

Yeah, well, it's never easy for an ex -con on the outside.

Look, do you want to stop, please?

I don't think I could handle the excitement if one of us landed on

chest again.

It was your idea.

Yes, well, I thought it would take my mind off things. It used to.

Then Sven and I were always naked.

I'm in a bad mood.

Ow!

Sorry, I didn't see you lounging all over our city.

I'll sit over here, shall I?

If you get a sudden whiff of halibut, don't worry, it's only me.

Wouldn't have occurred to me to look anywhere else.

doing here anyway?

I thought you were going to Marcus's mum for the weekend.

Oh, thank you for reminding me, Sharon. I came here to try and forget.

Hours it took me to get the grease off that hob.

And the things you find in an extractor fan.

Did you take Coronation Street for me?

No, you didn't ask me.

I didn't think I had to.

What's for dinner?

Well, we've had pizza. I thought you'd do yourself something at the cafe.

Oh, it's good, isn't it?

out to work all day.

All right, Sharon. I'll do you some beans on toast, all right?

Don't worry.

I'll warm up last night's mutton vindaloo.

Do it yourself.

Oh, God, I need cheering up.

Ida, tell me what horrible things Marcus's mum's got in store for you this

weekend.

What were you doing up in the middle of the night?

I couldn't sleep.

The noises you'd been making in that toilet.

I knew that mutton vindaloo was a mistake.

I'm going to make myself a hot drink. Do you want one? Yeah, please. I'll be

down in a minute.

Stubb's Island unit.

All the little chats we had across it. Little chats weren't the only thing me

and Daryl had across it.

Stubbs? I thought you were strictly missionary.

Shut up.

Chris would never do it outside the bedroom.

Well, that's the rumour I heard on the estate.

When I said this is what I call a real housewarming door, it was a joke. You

didn't have to go home and change for it.

Not even a disaster can stop you.

When everyone on the Titanic was made for the lifeboat, she'd have been trying

to unzip the purser.

Firemen are my favourite emergency service. I must have one.

I think we've found the cause of the explosion, Mrs S.

It looks like one of your gas rings was left on. It was a massive build -up. And

when you turned the light on... It was me.

I used the cooker last when I warmed up that mutton vindaloo.

Oh, Tracy, I'm sorry.

You've been very lucky.

Lucky? My kitchen's in the garden. And if you'd been coming in the back door,

you'd have joined it.

Fortunately, the blast was directed away from you.

I could have killed you.

You didn't. It was an accident.

How could I have been so stupid? Stupid. Like Tracy said, it was an accident.

Any idiot could have done it.

I can't trust myself anymore.

What if I've done it at the cafe?

What if I've left the gas on there as well?

You didn't. I have.

I'm sure I have. You didn't. I have. You didn't. The cafe's all electric.

I'm hysterical, aren't I? Yes.

Come on. Throw some things into a bag and let's get out of here. What? They

they are not going to be able to reconnect your gas till Monday. Now, you

stay here with no heating or cooking facilities.

So you'll have to stay with me?

You're going away.

Oh, I couldn't possibly go now.

You're my best friend.

What sort of person would that make me?

The sort of person who's looking for an excuse not to go to Marcus's mum's.

Come on, let's get our stuff.

Now I know how the Queen feels.

Having part of your home burnt, Diane? No, having a sister who's a liability.

Oh, something just dropped on my head. I think you've got a leak.

No, it's mutton vindaloo dripping off the ceiling.

It went everywhere when the oven blew.

She's regretting asking us to stay, you know.

See that look it gave me when I asked for an ashtray?

It might have helped if you'd asked before flicking your ash in the saucer.

But it's still good of her to do it. We'll have to get her a little something

thank you.

Why bother?

appreciate it.

What about that little china ferret we got at that first Christmas? Have you

ever seen it in here?

No. It ain't got a four -figure price tag on it from Knightsbridge. A snooty

mare ain't interested.

Put that down.

I've never felt comfortable here.

It's like a museum.

I mean, how can you not have a telly in your front room?

No wonder her and Marcus get on each other's tits. All they ever do is talk.

I'll nip over in a minute, get Garfield's portable.

How are you feeling?

I'm fine.

I should have sent off that insurance claim today.

Don't worry, I'll see to it.

It's the least I can do.

I'll get you the kitchen of your dreams.

I had the kitchen of my dreams.

Oh, I see you didn't find the coasters.

Sorry, door.

Sharon, please.

Does it rent over us?

Now, Mrs Pearson will be coming in to clean again tomorrow.

Don't normally do you on Sunday.

No, but Sharon has used the bathroom.

Meaning?

Well, just with the three of us, it'll make more mess than usual.

Oh, she's a nice old girl, isn't she? She was telling us it's her silver

anniversary. Oh, is it really?

Fifteen years she's worked for you.

You didn't know it was her wedding anniversary.

Didn't know she was married.

Well, now you do know, are you going to get her a present?

I pay her wages. Besides, she had a present at Christmas.

What was it?

An extra four lock to tug?

It was an ornament, a little China ferret, if I remember correctly.

staff are concerned, I do like to keep relationships at arm's length.

Like the Chilean gardener.

If he was at arm's length when he was making you scream your summer air, Stan.

He's been dipping more than his cuttings in gross hormones.

Oh,

please.

Got any orange?

Sharon, this is the finest champagne cognac.

I'm sorry.

It still tastes like beneline when it ain't got a mixer in it.

No, not for her.

She could still be suffering from delayed shock.

I'm fine.

Cheers.

I do think you have handled this experience exceptionally well.

Must be something in your genes.

The way your forebears survive the blitz.

Do your worst, Adolf.

Chirpy cockneys can take it.

Oi, you, don't take the mick.

We lost a lot of our family in the blitz.

Like who?

Well, I don't know their names.

All them blonde people in the old photos with Sylvie.

They ain't the number ones after 1939.

You mean the von Richthofen's?

They were a German family she used to visit.

Naturally, she didn't see a lot of them once the war broke out.

Oh, I never told.

was crap.

Out of bed door.

I'm not tired.

You can hardly keep your eyes open.

I'll wait out for Tracy.

I don't think so.

But you can trust me, you know.

Okay, so I blew up a kitchen.

Can we go up now? I mean, I take it you don't want a photograph of your husband

for the bedside table.

No, I prefer to keep mine on the dartboard.

What's wrong?

She knows.

What?

Oh, don't tell me.

I left the milk out the fridge again.

I didn't think it mattered seeing as the fridge didn't have a door no more.

You've checked the insurance policy, haven't you? Yeah. No wonder you didn't

want me to look at it.

Don't tell me you're not covered.

About as well as Linford Christie in a posing patch.

She arranged the renewal for, and as usual, she's done it on the cheap.

She's got an economy policy that only pays back 75 % of the claim.

Look, the premium for full cover was extortionate, Trace.

Me and Chris always made good with a cheap one. You could.

All your gear was second -hand to start with.

Your idea of the January sales was waiting to see what people threw out

Christmas.

Oh, that's right.

me nosing the fact I was poor.

Look, do you want to wear that bucket?

Right. I'm sorry, I was wrong. I didn't think.

Didn't think?

That's your trouble. You never do.

You're careless.

Always have been.

Even when we was kids, you was always the first to lose everything.

Not everything, Trace.

While you were getting yourself pregnant with Garthy.

The worst I'd ever done was flash me knickers at them fifth years.

It didn't take you long to catch up, though, did it? That school out into Box

Hill was supposed to be a geography field trip, not a biology practical.

OK. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I blew up your kitchen. I'm sorry I mucked up the insurance.

I'm sorry I was ever born, all right? Oh, great.

Melodrama. That's really helpful.

Look, mind your own you. Why don't you clear off home?

I'm sorry, I forgot.

That's because you're always at our house.

My house?

I'm sorry I ain't good enough.

That kitchen was my pride and joy.

Now I'm going to have to make do with some poxy MFI lasher.

No, you won't.

I'll have a word with my mate, Nobby.

He does luxury kitchens on the cheap.

Honestly, Trace, they're proper goods.

I'll get him to bring around some catalogues Monday morning, eh?

I swear you'll find something you like.

And what if I don't?

You will.

I'm going to bed. Thank God.

No, I'm not. Oh, no.

Couldn't sleep now. She's got me too wound up. Okay.

What if I warm up some milk? Would that help?

Yeah, probably.

Sit down, the pair of you.

No, thank you.

Do you do this every Sunday afternoon, Dawn?

Just sit here and read the papers?

Yes, I find it very relaxing.

Usually.

I always enjoy a good Sandy roast.

Takes me back to when I was a kid.

All the family gathered round the table.

Well, except for Dad, of course.

Duke of Devonshire always did after Sunday afternoon.

Mind you, saying that, you weren't there a lot, was you, Trace?

Always down your mate Trish's caravan?

Poor Mum didn't have much of an appetite.

Just used to stand in the kitchen.

Picking at a tree sandwich.

Come to think of it, I was a very lonely child.

Why don't you read my colour supplement?

Cheers, Dove.

Dove, will you give me Anne with me crossword? Oh, don't you start.

I'm sorry, I am in the middle of an article.

I'll help you, mate.

What are you stuck on?

Operatic song for a single voice.

Four letters beginning with I.

Area.

Is that spelt A -R -E? No.

I'm sorry. You're wrong. It's Aria. A -R -I -A.

You sure?

Positive. No.

Aria don't fit. I think Sharon's right. It's Aria. Told you.

She can't be.

Let me see.

Well, that's why the picture clue 14 across is wrong.

Well, that's Mussolini, isn't it? No, it's Sinead O 'Connor.

Two, Dan. Another word for friend.

Mate. Chum.

Four, Dan. Part of the I.

Pupil. Cornere.

And what about... Fifteen across.

The fifteenth Greek letter. Ah, I know that one.

It goes, Why haven't you replied to my other fourteen letters, you miserable

child?

The answer's Omicron.

If we carry on like this, we'll beat my record for finishing one of these.

How long have we got till Wednesday?

Sharon, Tracy, are you up?

I've been to your house.

The gas supply's back on.

And you can move back whenever you like.

Oh, I fancy that one.

Nah, I prefer the black one.

No, that's nice.

Imagine it's stripped.

What are you looking at?

Magazines. What magazines? Let me see.

Get your own, Tracy.

Kitchen catalogues. What else?

I'm supposed to be looking for a new one.

Well, that one's nice. What's it called?

The Getty. It is nice, isn't it? I'm torn between that one, the Carrington,

the Rockefeller.

Well, they're all better than the one I'm used to.

The Theodopilopidas was a plastic washing -up bowl and a dirty J -cloth.

I've made up my mind. The Carrington it is.

You can't.

Why not?

Because it's identical to the one I bloody blew up.

Oh, sure. Not identical.

It won't have that stain you managed to make on the unstainable carpet tiles.

And the waste disposal won't sound like a cat with a trot because you force -fed

it two tins a big thing.

Never try to recapture the past, Tracy. Just because something looks the same,

there's no guarantee it'll feel the same.

I know. I've slept with twins.

All right.

It should be a new start.

All right. What one do you reckon shall?

Me?

You want my advice?

Yeah.

Hmm. The Rockefeller.

Right. The Getty it is.

Are you sure we can afford it?

I've told you.

I've come to an arrangement with Nobby. And you're sure it ain't okay? I don't

want to tune in to Climewatch next week and find I'm sitting in Jane Asher's

kitchen.

And on my heart.

Good. That's all sorted. Now.

Did you hear me say that your gas supply's back on? I bet you can't wait

back in.

No, we can't. Let me help you pack.

Not that it hasn't been enormous fun having you to stay, but, well, all good

things must come to an end.

No, when I said we can't, I mean we can't move back in.

Nobby said his boys will fit any kitchen we like by tomorrow, but in the

meantime, it's going to be a nightmare living there, workmen tramping in and

out, and we won't be able to do any cooking.

So we'll have to stay another night, if that's OK?

Yes.

Of course it is.

As I said, it's been fun.

Liar.

Pardon?

You've hated having us here. We've done nothing but irritate you and disrupt

your life.

Oh!

Well, yes, you have.

No, I'm sorry.

I know I'm pernickety and fussy in my own home, and I should extend to you the

same relax... hospitality that you give me in your house, but I can't help it.

Don't worry, doll. We understand.

Yeah. You can't help being a tight arse.

So that was a joke about you staying again tonight.

No.

But we'll treat you to a shopping trip and lunch at the West End as a thank

Lunch? Now, you know I don't eat McDonald's.

You'll have to go without then, won't you?

When can we go on, Trace?

She's dragged us round every shop at least twice.

You know what that woman is, don't you? A shopaholic?

No, I was thinking of another word, actually.

What do you reckon?

A bit sensible, weren't they?

Go on, live dangerously.

Get yourself a pair of these saucy ones, eh?

What's the point? Apart from me, you're the only one going to see me in them.

Oh, Daryl will be out one day. Not for another four years.

You can't get your underwear for four years.

Well, they'll last.

They're made with good, strong elastic, they are.

Help. Just can't decide between naive virgin or wanton hussy.

What man would believe you're a naive virgin?

Marcus.

Overlook.

How can he be sure he could just be buying a present for his wife?

I recognise the Lear.

It's the same one Chris used to get whenever that cross your heart bra

came on the telly.

Come on, Trace, you getting those or what?

Trace.

What's the matter with her, doll?

She's bloody catatonic.

It's probably the explosion. It's just a shock coming out.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get help.

supposed to do? Look after us.

Tracy?

Tracy?

Tracy, stop.

Would you like to come with me, love?

I'm warning you, I've got a ring alarm.

Look, you've got it all wrong.

I'm a store detective and I'm detaining you for stealing those ladies' knickers.

How dare you?

My friend here is ill.

Sharon, would you please tell this imbecile that this is not my underwear?

They're not hers, mate.

She won't wear anything with a crotch.

I simply had to come and look at the new kitchen. It's not very convenient at

the moment. Why not?

Oh, very nice.

Make sure it's not Jane Asher's.

Very smooth.

Think of the time you'd save if your drawers moved as easy as that.

Why are you trying to get rid of me? Here, the tights you left drying over

Marcus's trouser press.

Oh, hello, Tracy. How are you? I'm fine, there.

Trace, what are you doing up? You should be in bed.

No, I shouldn't. I've been in bed for over a day. I'm bored up there.

Well, would you pick the new kitchen door?

Wonderful.

Marcus wasn't too happy when I told him.

Why not?

Well, now you've upgraded, I simply have to follow.

Come on, Trace, get back to bed.

I'm all right, leave me alone.

Are you going to answer that?

You did give us quite a scare, you know.

The weirdest feeling.

One minute I was looking for a rack of knickers, the next minute I was seeing

the explosion all over again.

It was like a dream.

I could have sworn I was over it.

And that... the halogen hob with the integrated extractor fan and as you can

we've got plenty of coverage what the bloody hell's going on excuse me

look i'm sorry trace i know i should have told you but one of the reasons

let us have this kitchen cheap was that i agreed to show a few of his customers

around you know sort of show kitchen what

Come on, you female.

You don't need all this. I'll deal with it. You get back to bed. You get out of

my way or she'll be in bed for a full night.