Original subtitles

When you are far away and I

am blue, what will I do?

All right, Cheryl, how was the cafe today?

Knackering.

I reckon Chris don't graft that hard at Maidstone.

What are you reading?

It's a love story.

Caracas at midnight.

I could do with a bit of Caracas any time of the day.

Yeah, well, you want to get out and find yourself some.

I'm only making do with it until Her Majesty's finished with my Daryl.

It's all right for you.

What bloke's going to fancy a bird that always stinks of beef burgers?

You wouldn't be able to get near me for all the Rottweilers trying to lick me

pinny. LAUGHTER

Talking of dogs.

Oh, my God.

Is there a problem, Sharon?

I reckon you'd better get your bikini line waxed a bit, smartish door.

It's spreading all over your body.

Oh, good.

You're envious.

Envious? It's revolting.

I think it's beautiful.

What is it, door?

Silver fox.

Reduced at skin of Romford to two and a half thousand.

It's an absolute steal.

You reckon it's a steal. Imagine how the poor fox feels.

For goodness sake, Sharon, you're not going to start all that animal rights

rubbish, are you? It's so 1988.

Not to mention a little hypocritical from someone who cooks cows innards for

living.

Cows are food, Dorian.

That's hardly the same as slitting some poor creature's throat, because you

reckon it'll go very nicely with your George Armani. Oh, look, I didn't come

here to indulge in student politics. I just... I came to see if you were going

to be in the wine bar this evening.

You know, just for a change of scenery.

All right, his name's Jason.

He's the model at my evening class on nude drawing.

He has intelligence, sensitivity, and buttocks like two hard -boiled eggs in a

handkerchief.

I didn't know you was interested in art, doll. Who said anything about art?

Have you done the filth yet? Oh, don't be disgusting, Sharon.

Well, no, as it happens. But he deliberately lets it that he is going to

the wine bar tonight with a friend of his. Now, I think that's a step in the

right direction, but... But you don't want to turn up on your own and look

desperate. Why?

It's never bothered you before, eh?

Oh, well, if it's too much trouble to help your dearest friend... Oh, of

we'll come. Well, we shall.

Oh, all right.

As long as you promise to leave that horrible thing at home.

It's a deal.

See you later.

I was talking to the coat.

There you go, Shell. You never know your luck. Maybe this bloke's mate will turn

out to have buttocks like two eggs in a hanky.

Yeah, and if my luck, they'll probably be scrambled.

Yeah, me and Jason go back years.

Lived on the same estate when we was kids.

Terrible twin, as they called her.

It's good to have a mate that goes back that far. Don't you think so, Shell?

Sorry? He was just saying, it's good to have someone you can go back with.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

You can come back tonight if you want.

So, Jason, do tell me what you do to shape up those wonderful eggs.

Mussels.

Doreen, this bloke only lives for posing his pecs around the gym. Well, that's

saving the animal kingdom.

I'm sorry?

Always broke me at the thumbing. Last year it was New Forest Ponies. This year

it's the anti -fur campaign.

What? You mean like banning fur coats and stuff?

Yeah, that's the one.

Really?

Well, isn't that funny? Because Dorian was just saying something about fur

this afternoon. Yes.

Absolutely disgusting.

About time somebody put a stop to it.

You what?

Listen, some poor creature's throat. Just because he matches your Giorgio

Armani, it makes me so mad.

Yeah. Even affects her memory sometimes.

I tried to hear some enthusiasm.

I mean, if you want to get involved, maybe we could have a chat about it

sometime. 7 .30 Tuesday.

I'll crack open something cold and dry.

Time for a refill, I think. One more for everyone?

Yeah, and two for Dorian. One for each face.

Oh, my God, I'm in love.

Oh, really? We never noticed, you see. Got the old butterflies in the tummy,

have we? Mm, and they're flying fast.

Honestly, Trace, I could drink his bath water.

Oh, goodness sake, control yourself.

There's nothing worse than a woman throwing herself at a man.

Coming from the quickest conversion since North Sea guest.

Look, Trace, you've got to help me. I've got to see him again. All right, don't

panic. We'll think of something.

There you go.

Arnold Schwarzenegger here's got the glasses.

Loves walking to the bar, gives him a chance to show off his own work.

Give me a rest, you plank. I wouldn't bother coming if you could read the wine

list.

Sorry, mate, I wasn't thinking.

Cheers, Jason.

Was that a joke?

Not much point trying to pretend now, is there?

I can't read, OK?

What? Not at all.

Don't bother me.

Don't much need it for fitting carpets.

Well, haven't you ever thought about learning?

No. I tried a few years back. People just treat you like you're stupid.

Can't teach an old dog new tricks.

No, actually, recent tests have shown that you can teach an old dog any number

of tricks.

And that's straight from the old dog's mouth.

I've just had a brilliant idea.

Why don't you let Sharon teach it for a couple of weeks?

Eh? Oh, no, hang on. Well, what have you got to lose? She's really good. You

helped teach Garfield to read, didn't you, Cheryl?

Yeah. I don't know, I just... And you already know her, so you know she ain't

going to look down on you. Go on, if you play your cards right, might even chuck

in a can of lager afterwards.

Now you're talking.

Oh, all right, then.

But no taking the mickeys, Sharon.

And you'd better be gentle with me.

Don't you worry, Mark. You come round tomorrow, you'll see. My sister could

been a teacher if she wanted. She's brilliant.

I don't know why cough and rough are spelt the same way. They just are.

What about cuff?

No, cuff is with an F to make the fff sound.

You said before that PH makes fff.

No. Well, yes, sometimes.

This is fff with an F.

Like... F in Frank.

Like Frank Buff.

Buff. Oh.

Look, I'm sorry, but this is a waste of time.

I know you're trying to whelp, but we'd better just forget it. Hang about, Mark.

Maybe you should just start with something a bit more straightforward.

Look, I dug this out of the attic today. It used to be Garfield.

That's a kid's book. Yeah, I know.

See, letters change their sound depending on what they're next to.

Like, P is usually per, but when it's next to an H... It sounds like... That's

right. But when it's next to an H, the P is silent.

Like P in a bath.

Look, Trace, why don't you teach Mark to read?

What? But I ain't being funny or nothing. It's just, well, you explain

better than me.

So, if Mark don't mind, you can do the Janet and John stuff and I'll do the T

and Bickies. Yeah.

Done. I'll come over Thursday. All right, Tracey?

Don't say that. I've got much choice.

See you then.

Cheerio, Sharon.

See you, Mark.

He winked at me.

He winked at me!

You know what that means, don't you?

Let men speak for knickers off next time.

Michelle, are you sure you don't mind me doing the lesson? I mean, this whole

set -up was supposed to be for your benefit.

It still is.

Look, Trace, I nearly blew the whole thing tonight.

This way, he still keeps coming round, and when you've finished with your hard

work... I appear with the cheesy nibbles on a cloud of odour, rumpy -pumpy.

Get the picture?

Yeah. It would be quite nice to feel useful again.

Although I'm not sure Daryl would like it.

Why? There's no harm in it, is there?

Just explain your real plight, you ranger.

It's not as if you fancy my heart yourself, is it?

No, of course not.

Janet and John play with Nip the Dog.

See them play.

Nip likes to run.

See Nip run.

Here, Tracy, I've been doing kids' books for two weeks now. When do I get onto

the good stuff?

When you finish book ten. Then if you behave yourself, we'll do Winnie the

Listen, I don't want nothing pervy.

Cheeky mongrel.

Seriously, though, you're doing really well.

You're a good teacher.

I don't know how to thank you. You don't have to. I'm really enjoying it.

Well, ever since, you know, Daryl's been inside, hasn't he?

I get a bit fed up sitting round on my own.

Well, I like being with you.

Actually, I think you're terrific.

Oh, well... Daryl's very lucky having someone like you waiting for him.

If that's what you're doing.

Yeah, of course.

I'd never do anything to hurt Daryl, no matter how much.

What?

Nothing.

I'll see if Sharon's got the kettle on.

She's great, isn't she, Sharon? You get on really well with her, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I think Sharon's great.

Just not as great as you.

Teas up!

Here we are.

How's it going?

Not too bad.

Want a little one?

Actually, I was thinking we should go out and celebrate.

How about a drink down the wine bar tomorrow night? Yeah, I'd love to. What

time? Would half six be all right?

Sure. How about you, Tracy? I could come and fetch you if you like.

I can't. It's visiting tomorrow.

You'll be bad by then, won't you?

Well, the traffic can be really bad.

Oh, well, looks like it's just you and me, Mark.

Never mind.

We'll manage, eh?

So, half six on the button, then?

OK.

Listen, I'd better go. I've got an early start.

See you later.

Bye. See you, Mark.

Yes! You sick thing!

You sick thing! You sick thing!

Mind you, it won't be on for long, will it?

Oh, Trace. Look, I know I'm acting like a piller, but you know when you look at

someone and you just know it could be fantastic?

Yeah, you're sexy.

Yes, Sharon, I do.

Tracey, I need help.

Sharon's been saying that for years, though.

It's Jason.

Found out you're a secret fox killer, has he?

Oh, no, he won't have to.

I've had quite a change of heart in that direction.

Oh, come on, Dore. No, I'm serious.

I've been reading the literature that Jason's animal rights group distributes.

The senseless cruelty to dumb animals is quite shocking.

Oh, you're just faking all this to get into his trousers.

I don't fake, Tracy.

Well, only with Marcus.

No.

I've thought about it carefully, and I've decided to make a major commitment

the cause.

I am going to set an innocent animal free.

You're never going to break into one of them labs.

No, I said commitment, Tracy, not getting my hands dirty.

I'm going to take my coat back to the shop.

Big deal.

What's the fox going to do?

Scamp around the shop on its anger?

Well, it's a start.

No, since meeting Jason, I've really had my eyes opened.

Just your eyes?

Yes, well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

This is very embarrassing to admit, particularly from one as carnally

as myself, but how shall I put it?

The sexual element is incomplete.

What? You mean he's Jewish?

I mean, we haven't done it yet.

God knows I've given him enough opportunities.

I've talked about saving the bloody Wales until I'm blue in the face, but

nothing. I am seeing him tonight, but frankly, Tracy, I'm getting desperate.

Dorian, this isn't my problem.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Tracey, is something the matter?

No.

Well, can you keep a secret?

I've been married to Marcus for 24 years. What do you think?

You know, Mark... Oh, yes.

Jason said you're getting on like a house on fire.

Is the blaze getting out of control?

Look, nothing's happened. I swear, it's just... You think it might?

Well, I didn't even notice at first.

It was just so nice to have a laugh and a chat with a bloke after all this time.

And I do enjoy teaching him.

It's just that, well, last night it got a bit heavy and, well, now I'm feeling

guilty about Sharon and guilty about Daryl and, oh, you must think I'm a

nutcase. Why?

Well, look at us. Here's you planning the bonk of the century and never mind

Marcus. And here's me feeling guilty for just thinking about it.

Well, has it ever occurred to you that if I had a marriage as happy as yours

Daryl's, then I would feel guilty just thinking about it?

Oh, this is just the passing phase.

Believe me, I know.

You'll go and see Daryl this afternoon and fall in love with him all over

Yeah, you're probably right.

So, how's it going, Daryl? What have you been up to?

Not a lot.

To bring my cigar?

Yeah, of course.

Here you are.

Well, I've had an interesting couple of weeks.

I forgot to tell you, there was this massive punch -up down on Seawing Monday

night. This bloke was caught nicking fags. Now he's walking around with eyes

like Chi -Chi the Panda.

Laugh. I don't think that's funny, Daryl. I do. It was Chris.

Oh, my God, is he all right?

Yeah, of course he's all right. Get out your pram, Trace. He deserved it. Things

like that happen in here.

Yeah, well, it's a funny way to entertain yourself.

Oh, I am sorry.

As I was saying.

I've had an interesting couple of weeks. Next time I'll pop over to Euro Disney.

You see, there's this friend of Dorian.

That's an horrible colour.

Oh, sorry, sugar, you were saying?

It don't matter.

I got this Phil Collins CD the other day. It's got that record on it that the

played on our wedding anniversary. Do you remember?

No, I don't really listen to that slushy stuff no more, Trace.

You don't feel very romantic when the only person you wake up to every morning

is Bucket's butcher, the slop -out king.

Thanks a lot, Daryl.

What's the matter?

Nothing. It's just that I only get to see you once a fortnight.

It'd be nice of you to talk about something other than punching people and

slopping out.

What are you going on about?

What do you think I do all day long?

Have I seen the new Bruce Willis film? No.

Am I going anywhere nice for my holidays this year? No.

If we get hundreds and thousands on our trifling here... We think we've been to

a party. What do you expect me to talk about?

I don't know. I just want to have a laugh and a chat.

I just need to remember what the two of us is all about, Daryl.

We're married, aren't we?

Isn't that enough?

See you in a fortnight.

Trace, when you come next time, can you bring us a clean hanky?

You sexy thing, you.

Sexy thing, you.

I believe in miracles.

Right on time.

You all right, then? I've been coming here for two weeks, Sharon.

Yeah, of course you have.

Fancy a drink?

No, let's get down to the wine bar, shall we? Find the others.

What others?

Jason and Dorian.

Sorry, Sharon, I meant to tell you.

When Jason found out we was going out, he suggested all meeting up.

You don't mind, do you?

No. No, of course not.

I'll get my coat.

Tracey.

Hiya, Trace. Right, we're just off out. See you later.

Tracey, you OK?

Trace?

What is it? You had a row with Daryl?

Not exactly.

Oh, show, I've had a terrible visit.

It was like we had nothing to say to each other.

Pretty much the only thing we spoke about was your Chris getting beaten up.

Oh, there you go.

You can still have a laugh together.

Can we, Cheryl?

Sometimes I wonder.

Look, you've just had a bad visit, that's all.

It'll soon blow over.

In the meantime, we'll look after you.

Oh, thanks, Cheryl.

Come on in, Tracy.

Fling your coat on, you're coming down the wine bar with us.

Eh? Like Sharon said, we'll look after you.

Yeah, I didn't mean tonight.

I don't know.

A bit of company's what you need. You don't want to be on your tod, do you?

she does.

Telly, takeaway, bish -bosh, happy as Larry. Isn't that right, Tracey?

Well... Just come down for an hour. No point moping.

Yeah, go on. You have a mope, girl. Get it out of your system.

Maybe it would do me good to get out for a bit. Do you mind, Cheryl?

No. No, of course not. I'll get your coat.

I'm sorry, Cheryl. A quick drink and a chat. I won't stay long, honest.

Two two -wheel chases and I'll be in bed by nine.

That's funny.

Five minutes ago, that was my plan exactly.

So he says... No, don't. Stop it. He says, how do you know? And she

says, you told me yesterday.

Oh, Isha!

What's that one about the footballer with a whopping great foot? I don't

remember.

Jason, it's after ten. Wouldn't you like to go somewhere more comfortable? I

read some really interesting statistics on steel cutting today. No, come on.

Let's have another one. Oh, I shouldn't really. If I have more than two

cocktails, I'll get this pain in me forehead.

Yeah, and if she has more than six, I'll get this pain in me backside.

Are you feeling better now, sweetheart?

Not still brooding over your old man?

Oh, of course not. Thanks to you.

Go on, have one for the road.

What about a between -the -sheets? Oh!

What about a screwdriver?

Or a rusty nail?

Between -the -sheets, that ends brilliant.

But isn't it a bit pricey?

Not really, Trace. About 30 pieces of silver, I'd say.

Same to you, Dorian. No, thank you. I think I'll call it a night. No, don't

trouble yourself, Jason.

I'd hate to break up the party.

Dorian, wait!

I haven't asked you about tomorrow yet.

Tomorrow? I was going to invite you out at lunchtime. Bit of a surprise.

My treat.

Oh.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll have a gin and tonic. Oh, I've got a better idea.

Why don't you all come back to my house?

No, Trace. Oh, go on, we'll have a laugh.

I've got a bottle of Malibu in the fridge.

I'm game, Tracey.

Yes, we noticed.

Look, we're not having people back, Trace. You've had enough already.

Who says I've had enough?

I do.

Dorian does. The barman does.

Oliver Reed has sent a personal telegram.

Do you know what? I am sick of being told what to do.

I'll decide when I've had enough.

I'll decide everything from now on.

Sit down, Tracey. No, I will not sit down.

I can do what I like.

And do you know what I'm going to do right now?

I am going to sit down.

For a very, very long time.

Looks like you're coming back to our place after all, Mark.

What do you mean?

You can help me carry her own.

Oh, where am I, shall?

Have I died and gone to hell?

Not yet, but I'm working on it.

Bit of music?

Oh, stop it, shall.

Fancy a bit of this?

Oh, knock it off, I'm going to be sick.

Yes, I expect you are.

you done last night, Trace? I ain't even started yet.

You're cross with me, ain't you?

Cross?

You gate -crush my date, try and pinch -mark from under my nose, throw it up

down the back of your headboard, and you think I'm cross?

No, Trace. I'm bloody furious.

Get a try and pinch -mark.

Like hell you didn't.

You know your trouble?

Jealousy. You're just a spoilt little

of me having something you can't. Oh, don't talk rubbish, Sal.

Look, I ain't exactly fighting blokes off, you know, Trace.

This is my first chance in months for a bit of affection and you had to grab it

for yourself.

Look, I'm not exactly up to me front -knees in candlelit dinners, you know.

He's a nice bloke and he flirted with me. I was flattered. I'm sorry.

Oh, are you?

And what about Daryl?

He ain't done nothing.

There's more to being faithful than keeping your knickers on, you know.

What are you talking about?

You knew there was something starting between you and Mark.

But did you put a stop to it? No.

You were saying the wine bar during the dance of the seven veils.

Just because your hair's dry don't mean you ain't been swimming, you know.

Look, I'm telling you, Trace, you want to knock them lessons on the head right

now if you know what's good for you.

Look, I like teaching Mark. Why should I send him packing just because your

ego's hurt?

It's not my ego I'm worried about, you stupid mare.

It's your marriage.

Yeah, my marriage and my life.

teaching mark than I will.

For God's sake, Sharon, stop pushing me around.

I've got my self -respect, you know.

Don't apologise.

Everyone overdoes it sometimes.

How are you feeling?

Terrible. Well, you look all right.

As a matter of fact, you look pretty gorgeous.

Thanks. Come and sit down.

So what is it today, then?

Janet and John play ball?

Dick and Jane go to school?

Or maybe Mark takes Tracy in his arms and gives her a very long, very gentle

kiss.

No, today it's Tracy tells Mark he can't come round no more.

Don't think I'm going to like that one, Trace.

Look, you're a really terrific bloke, Mark, and I'm glad if I've been able to,

but it's got to stop.

Is this because of Sharon?

I kind of guess that she likes me.

Actually, it was a sandwich board saying, please snog me, that gave it

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Well, I've been really stupid.

I've hurt Sharon, but most of all, I ain't been fair to Daryl.

What about being fair to yourself?

You had a rotten time with him yesterday.

Yeah, but that's what being married's all about.

Prison or no prison.

Sometimes you want to smack him in the mouth.

But he's still my husband.

OK. I promised to sit on me hands and put a chub lock on me wife rants.

But we still go on with the lessons, can't we?

Why not?

I don't get it.

Because there's more to all this than keeping your knickers on.

And if I carry on swimming like this, I'm going to get me hair wet.

Tracey, I haven't the faintest idea what you're on about.

But I do recognise a no when I hear one.

It's been great.

I'll see you.

See you, Mark.

Here, Trace, did you ever notice his ears?

They were kind of pointy at the top.

A bit like Mr Spock.

A bit skinny and all, weren't they? Yeah.

I'm sorry, Cheryl.

I acted like a right prat.

Me and all.

Look, you've been apologising for two days, Trace. Let's just forget it, eh?

I wouldn't go out with Martin there if he came with a fortnight's holiday and a

free pizza in his trousers.

Just popped in to say goodbye. Going off to Scotland for a few days.

Dorian, you're wearing your coat.

Why aren't the calls of animal rights? What about Jason?

Who? You know, Jason.

Yes, don't mention that boy's name again.

I thought you fancied the pence off him. I thought he was taking you out on some

surprise lunch date. I did.

He was.

It wasn't.

Oh, well, half of Tigwell knows now anyway.

Lunch was a surprise, all right.

A lukewarm veggie burger on a picket line outside Skin of Romford.

You want a picket line? Oh, come on, Sharon, you've read the local paper.

Not yet, I... Oh, I'm Dorian!

Fifty -somethings fight fur.

Not a very good picture of you, is it, Dorian?

You look a bit like Barbara Cartland.

Come across and get swine. It was all a trick from start to finish.

Group leader Jason Morley said of new recruit Dorian Green, mature women are

an asset to the cause.

Kids will look at her and think, that could be my gran up there.

I wonder, are you going to Scotland or...? Yes, and I might just stay there.

An old flame of mine runs a hunting lodge in the Highlands.

A few days of hunting, fishing and killing innocent animals is just what I

to recover from this humiliation.

Poor old door.

Hello, track.

One for you and one for me.

Tracky's dad.

I think they're from Mark.

They're writing too good to be critic.

Here we go.

To Tracky.

Thank you very much for all you help.

Hope we can style be fiends. Love, Mark.

Ah, isn't that sweet?

To Sharon.

Thank y 'all for all the cups of tea.

I think you are really nice.

And, Cod, I tack you out one night. Of all the cheeky... Yes, baby, it's sick

you.

That's what he is, you said.

Not if he had a free pizza down his trousers, you said. Look, I'll tell you

what, Trace. If he has, I'll save you the bit with the crust on.

What will I do when you are far

away?

And there'll be more from Chigwell at the same time next week on BBC One.