All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s04e14 The Chigwell Connection - xmas special

So, do you reckon I look sporty enough?

Oh, yeah.

If eating mince pies counts as sporty.

I can't help it. They're moorish.

Oh, cheer up, Trace. I can't. I'm
dreading tomorrow.

Then don't go. Phone in sick. I've got
to go.

I promised Mrs Mims I'd be there to
support her.

But she lives for her, Trevor. How's she
going to cope when they take him away?

He might get off.

And I might be Tina Turner.

Of course. he won't get off. His prints
are all over the shooter. He was

identified by two different witnesses
and his alibi denies ever having met

I just want to bring back horrible
memories of the day Daryl got sent down.

I know.

Look, do you want me to keep you company
tomorrow?

I don't mind going out that court again.

I've got quite fond memories of the day
Chris got sentenced.

In fact, if I had a recording of the
judge sending him down, it'd be one of

Desert Island discs.

Come on, press door. Get your coat. I'm
not sure I fancy coming. I don't even

like tennis.

Who's talking about tennis?

The only reason I'm going is to ogle all
those muscular thighs and those tight

little buns.

Look, we promised door we'd support her
in the tournament.

She said she's gone further this year
than she's ever gone before.

Mind that after, will you?

Well, sure. Hold on.

David.

Melanie,

um, these are my neighbours.

Hi. Dorian's told me all about you.

You must lead such exciting lives.

Not really. I mean, fancy having
desperate criminals for husbands.

Another boring old magic director of a
large public company.

Wish I had one of those.

I can always take mine off my hands.

Excuse me, but how come you both end up
married to rich dull blokes who pay you

no attention, work too hard and have
probably dropped dead before they're 60?

We've probably just got lucky.

Can I give you a tip, darling?

Must you.

You know why you lost, don't you?

She was blinded by Bruce's boomerang?

It's a racket, darling. The strings
aren't tight enough.

Well, you're the ideal person to
increase my attention.

Last season's model, you see.

If you care about your game, it's no
good settling for second best, darling.

Well, I must go and have a quick shower.

Make sure you don't melt, wicked witch
of the wet.

Have a look, Trace.

I could get really silly over him.

Or under him. His choice.

I'd like, Dorian, you really should do
some work on your ground strokes.

And your serve.

And your volley.

Still on for a double session tomorrow?

Of course.

Beats me where you fit in any tennis.

Me and... Bruce, you must be joking.

I thought that's why you joined this
place.

So you can get up with the coaches.

I may have had an odd moment with one or
two.

Dozen.

They've all got to be able to have an
intellectual discussion afterwards.

Who are you trying to kid? Look, I
prefer not to get involved with coaches

anymore, all right?

Why? I choose not to talk about it.

Yeah, like Michael Jackson chooses not
to mess around with a face God gave him.

Come on. Who was he?

His name was Ernesto.

Sounds like Spanish premium bones.

Oh, yeah.

Ernesto was cultured and gorgeous.

He was the best tennis coach I ever had.

Or didn't have, if you know what I mean.

Oh, he played for the other side. Oh,
no, he was all man, just devoted to his

wife. Spoil, spoil. We did become firm
friends.

He did a lot of work on my grip.

So it weren't a complete waste of time.

It ended sadly, though.

Ernesto had to go back to his own
country. And before he went, he asked me

invest $10 ,000 in a business venture.

What, so you lent it to him and he
ripped you off, Wally? Oh, no, I didn't

him the money.

You shouldn't lend money to friends,
Sharon.

It can damage the relationship.

Instead, I bought him a very expensive
watch as a bon voyage gift.

And I said...

If you value money more than the memory
of our friendship, then sell the watch.

And did he?

The next day.

Look, you two go off home.

I'll be all right. Would that be daft?

We said we'd be here, and anyway, the
jury'll be back any minute.

Not necessarily, Trace.

I mean, did you get a good gander at
them?

Half of them look as if they ain't got
two pennies to rub together.

So? So, my guess is they'll prolong
their deliberation so they get the free

overnight at some Novo hotel.

Plus a chance to half -inch a
complimentary shower cap.

Yeah, well, that's good to know, isn't
it? I mean, the longer they take, the

more undecided they must be.

Please, Tracey, I'm not simple.

Don't pasteurise me.

The terrible stink in here all of a
sudden.

Oh, I'm sorry, girls.

It's the weightings upset me stomach.

And it's getting stronger.

Yeah, I've noticed it too.

People are rubbish. They leave lying
around in here.

Talking of rubbish, how are you coping,
ladies?

Why don't you go and screw yourself?

Still married, are you?

Or have you had a sense to cut your
losses and leave them to rot?

Look, we don't have to take this from
you.

We're just here to support a mate, all
right?

Yeah?

Funny how all your mates are villains,
though.

My Trevor's innocent till proven guilty.

Which is just about to happen.

The jury's back.

And another one bites the dust, eh?

Well, that's for the jury, isn't it? I
never thought I'd get him home for

Christmas. Oh, isn't it wonderful,
Tracy?

Yeah. Oh, really, please, boy.

Oh.

Here, you smell that stink again.

Oh.

So, what's happened to Tatum, then?

I suppose he went back to the nick to
lick his wounds.

What, still on duty, is he?

How should I know?

Blimey, Sharon, you're a bit slow today.

Takes one to know one.

The jury just said they preferred the
word of Trevor the Tate to Tate and the

DI, Pillock of the Community.

So, these days the police would be hard
-pressed to get a conviction against

Jack the Ripper.

Even if he was standing in the dock with
a carving knife in one hand and a tart

sliver in the other.

So what does that tell you?

It tells me not to have the mix grilled
for lunch.

Yeah, well, it tells me there's a very
fair chance that Detective Inspector

Tatum is now under a bit of a cloud.

Is that real lads going to be here?

Yeah. Never thought I'd be here tonight.

Neither did I.

Enjoying yourself, don't you, girl?

Well, yes, I think I am.

Didn't think I would.

Girls had to drag me here, kicking and
screaming.

Until we told her there'd be five floats
for every woman. And she drove through

three red lights.

And to

cap

it all, I've just heard that...

has been suspended.

We told you.

Loathe behind the bar, brothers, a
traffic warden.

I think I'll buy him a trunk.

I'm sorry

to interrupt.

But I've got two bits of brilliant news.

First, that scumbag Tatum's been
suspended.

Second,

I hereby declare a campaign to free my
husband and brother -in -law, who are

both languishing in prison as a result
of an earlier fit -up of Tatum's.

So, the campaign is going to be, free
the chick world soon!

We'll see you in you. When Trevor show
you his tattoo.

Yeah, you didn't say a word on the
driveway.

Oh, I know why she's got the hump.
Because she had to give us a lift. And

wanted to be off getting her leg over
Trevor Suzuki.

Anyway, here's a toast.

To the Chigwell Foo.

Innocent men victimised by a malicious
pig.

Cheers. Yes, well, they're not innocent,
are they, Tracy? They're guilty.

They're still armed robbers. You know
they are. Not necessarily.

If the jury at their trial had known
that Tatum was bent, our husbands could

have walked. Yes.

Straight into the nearest Bradford and
Bingley to demand money with menaces.

What Tracey's trying to say, Dore, is
this Tatum business introduces what the

lawyers call an element of reasonable
doubt. No, it doesn't. It introduces

my mother called an element of
outrageous chutzpah.

They're still guilty men. I know why
she's got the ump. Because we called

the Chigwell two and she thinks it's
going to affect property prices.

Well, it's not going to help, is it?

Oh, I'm calling them the Edmonton Toe.
Or the Langton Stone Toe. Or the

Leebridge Road Toe. Or the Oxden Toe.
Oh, you just don't understand, do you?

Suddenly I see that we are standing on
opposite sides of a social chasm.

Can you not perceive the moral
bankruptcy inherent in your opportunist

upon Trevor Mill's absurd good fortune
in order to campaign for the release of

two dangerous felons?

You can see who's on the mineral water
tonight.

Now, look, Dorian, if your husband was
banged up, wouldn't you do whatever you

could to get him out, even if there was
a teensy doubt that he might have done

something a little bit out of order?

Tracy, that hypothetical situation is
never going to arise, because, firstly,

husband is a law -abiding stalwart of
this community.

And, secondly, you wouldn't give a toss
if he was banged up anyway.

It'd just give you more strumping time.

Hang on, hang on. Let's not fall out,
are we?

If Dorian... don't want to get involved
in a campaign, why don't we just agree

to differ?

Fine. I don't want to agree to differ.

This campaign is the most important
thing that's happened to me since the

Daryl got sent down.

And if she don't want to lift one over
-manicured talent to help, she can just

sod off via my life.

Are you sure there's a G

in campaign?

Trust me, Mum.

Oh, I don't know. He looks a bit
amateurish. Oh, thanks a bunch. I won't

criticise him, no.

I'll get it.

Probably the Home Secretary. Come round
with a pardon.

Mum's dress.

How's it going, Grace?

Oh, slowly. But I suppose once we get
all these posters up... What, these?

No offence, son. All very colourful and
that bit blue Peter though, ain't it,

eh? Can you do better? Me? No.

But I've got a mate in the print.

Trevor, they're brilliant.

I'm glad you say that.

I took the liberty of having a couple of
thousand run off, alright?

Nah. And I've got a mate, listen, in the
T -shirt game, eh?

Trevor, we've only got a couple of
hundred quid left in the kit. My treat,

way of saying thanks for looking after
my mum while I was out of circulation.

Here.

Bad news.

I... Oh, Trevor.

I...

Well, I think I'll have that one.

Certainly, madam. An excellent choice.

And could you have my husband's initials
put on it?

If you wish, madam.

Thank you. Thank you, madam.

And could you show me that one?

Hmm. How much is this?

£150, including the presentation case.

Would you like to try it?

No.

I'll have five.

Five? It was Roland, Bruce, Jerry, Alan,
and Kurt.

Oh, I was forgetting Kurt.

If I may be so bold, madam doesn't seem
old enough to have five sons.

They're her lovers.

Almost.

Since when did they do a platinum card?

It's not on general release yet.

Well, that's my Christmas shopping.

Is anything the matter?

I'm afraid we don't seem to be able to
get a sanction on your card, madam.

Perhaps if you have another?

Well, of course I have another.

Trials and tribulations of using a high
street bank.

Which one should I try first, madam?

Well, I don't know. There should be
funds in all of them.

Unless, of course, my husband forgot to
pay last month's account before he flew

off to Sicily.

In which case, his own quarterback can't
buy his stupid Christmas present.

Don't you find all this rather
humiliating?

No, I'm savouring every moment.

No luck with this one, madam, but never
fear, two more to go.

I'll kill Marcus.

I will.

Do you know, I almost wish we were still
having conjugal relations, just so I

could withdraw them.

Madam would like to take a seat while
you're waiting.

Hello.

Look, I'm not in the mood.

You are Mrs. Dorian Green.

Of course I am.

How do you know?

Detective Sergeant Bloomfield.

Could you spare me five minutes?

I've been here for over an hour.

Marcus had been here all night.

What?

Oh, no.

Don't tell me he's been DPPing on the
back of King's Cross Station.

I don't know what he's been doing.

He decided to come home a day early.

They arrested him at Heathrow and
brought him here.

Why? Well, I don't know.

He doesn't know. He says he doesn't
think it's because he had 25 extra

panatellas in his overnight bag. Oh,
God, this is a nightmare.

It must be something big if they've
frozen all your credit cards.

I know.

It's awful.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

Promise me.

Of course I won't tell anyone.

Are you going to be at the tennis club
tonight?

Oh, yes, I'm just in the mood.

Why?

Just wondered.

Let me treat you to lunch.

Just wondered?

You can't wait to spread it round, can
you? What are you going to do? Have it

announced over the tannoy?

Fourth wanted for Mick Stubbleton. Have
you heard about Dorian Green's husband?

Why are you getting yourself so upset,
darling?

Whenever Marcus is around, you just
complain he cramps your style.

Now he's out of your way for a few days.

Or years, maybe.

Cheer up.

Daryl was a successful businessman.

He had no need to turn to crime.

He was voted Eastern County's
Conservatory Rector of the Year three

running. Don't go over the top, Trace.

All right. Two years running.

And then he was framed.

I see.

But is this news anymore? I mean, we've
had allegations against the police with

the Birmingham Six, the Guildford Four,
the Tottenham Three. Don't you think the

public have had enough?

Look, I listen to the radio quite a bit.

I don't think I've ever heard you on it.

Really? But I suppose you're just
starting out, aren't you?

All journalists got to start somewhere.

Then it's just a matter of recognising a
big story when you see one.

Yeah, like in that Watergate film. I
mean, if Dustin Hoffman and Robert

had just said, a little burglary, big
deal. But they dug.

And they investigated.

And they brought down the President of
the United States.

But that was just a film.

What are you talking about?

It really happened.

Are you sure? Excuse me. I'm sorry. Are
you saying you really think this is a

big story?

Huge, Sam.

Huge.

Political undercurrents we can only
imagine.

And I'll tell you something for nothing.

When the boys get out and get their
apology from the Queen, and all Fleet

are clamouring for their interviews,
we'll say no.

They're exclusive to our mate Sam, who
campaigned alongside us.

Because it's not just Daryl and Chris.

There's an epidemic of framing going on
in this country.

No one, say.

Sharon Tracy, you've got to help me.
Marcus has been arrested.

See, I told you. He's been arrested, and
I don't know why.

They let me in to see him, and I said,
was it anything to do with when you were

working for the Daily Mirror Pension
Fund?

Why couldn't you have muttered something
about the cell being bugged? Your

husband was involved with Robert
Maxwell.

What's he got to do with you?

They used to bump into each other at
dooms.

If this checks out, I could get you on
television.

That was brilliant, doll. Talk about...

you talking about?

It's true.

It ain't, is it? Sharon, what's going to
happen to him?

I don't know. Depends on what he's done.

Well, he hasn't done anything.

Well, then he'll be all right. Oh, yeah.

Like our blokes are all right.

Our blokes did do something, Trace.

Only according to that scumbag Tatum.

You've completely brainwashed yourself,
haven't you? Don't ignore me. I'm in a

state of shock. Where's my cup of hot
sweet tea?

Sorry, doll.

I don't know what to do.

Mark has been arrested.

All my credit cards have been frozen.

Melanie Fishman can't wait to tell
everyone.

Well, fair dues. He's locked up. He must
be guilty.

No! Are you off trace?

Can't you see she's in a state? I don't
know what to do. What am I going to do?

You're a silly meadow.

We'll look after you. We won't let her
starve, will we, Cheryl?

Of course not.

I'll reheat the last portion of black
pudding for you, eh?

So, are you bearing up?

OK. The screws are all a bit umpy about
the campaign, though.

Hey, short guy. Sorry, love. Prison
Office Association declared a ban on

smoking. What about all the others?

Oh, right.

See what I mean?

Right. So, say, I earned 20 grand in my
last year of liberty.

Did you?

What happened to it then?

I suppose you put it on a horse that did
a wrong turn in at Beecher's Brook and

it's still trying to hitch a ride back
to Newmarket.

I had an unlucky streak.

I had an unlucky Greek.

Anyhow, four years wages equals how
much?

Four twenties are eighty, Chris.

You sure?

You don't want to check it on a
calculator?

No, so far I'm coping.

Right, well, double it for inflation.

Right, double it again for loss of
liberty.

Right, how much is that?

320 ,000.

320 grand?

Blimey. I'm a millionaire.

Come on, Ben. Don't get ahead of
yourself.

I can't help it.

So exciting. What's happening?

I never thought I'd end up on the front
of a t -shirt.

Good old Trev.

Yeah. Don't know where he's getting the
money from, though. He ain't working.

Sharon, he just did the Halifax for 25
grand, which he probably won't have to

pay taxes for.

He got acquitted.

You're not saying he really done it, are
you?

Of course he's done it. That's his job.

He's on the outside and we're on the
inside.

So, he's got a bit of dosh.

Plus, he's probably got a guilty
conscience.

Why? Well, because he never helped you
and Tracy out before, of course.

Well, what should he have?

Look, if I tell you, you promise not to
tell Tracy.

Of course not.

I suppose he wanted to keep the little
woman in the dark.

He's your old -fashioned sort of
villain.

He's not a villain.

Oh, no.

Is that why we come to Maidstone Nick
once a fortnight? Because it's such a

pretty ride.

That's why Trevor's being so helpful.

Too true.

According to Chris, Trevor's share of
their Newport Pagnol job was at least 75

grand.

By rights, who should have been helping
you and me out since the boys got sent

down? It's the code, isn't it?

Yeah, well, better late than never, eh?

Mind you, that's assuming the boys did
do the heist.

According to you, they didn't. I didn't
say Chris didn't.

Is this your car, madam?

Yeah, why?

Look at your tyre.

Oh, no.

What are you doing?

It is an offence to be in charge of a
vehicle on the public highway with

incorrectly inflated tyres.

Oh, it's flat!

Exactly. You can't get much more
incorrectly inflated than that, can you?

All I'm saying is maybe Chris planned
the whole thing with Trevor.

Daryl probably didn't know nothing about
it. He just thought they were going off

to survey a conservatory or something.

Get real, Trace.

Daryl planned the Newport Pagnol job and
you know it. They were called bang to

rights.

and put the guns in the car?

Might have done.

This whole campaign's doing your
reading, girl. You and your bump

Oh, you're just trying to get out and
you'll have to knuckle down and make

of your marriage.

Yeah, a horror movie.

Dora in cold.

I still don't care.

Mark, who's talking? Mrs Stubbs, this is
Michael Tiddy from the Kilroy

programme. We're doing an edition on
miscarriages of justice tomorrow.

Are you available?

Please call me on 081 -943 -1780.

Fantastic! National television!

Don't do it, Trice.

You are joking.

Look, you're already getting police
harassment. Yeah, and I'll tell the

about it on nationwide television.

But, Tracy... Oh, you're just jealous
because you've always wanted to get on

Kilroy.

But I didn't mean the programme.

Now on BBC One, Kilroy.

Oh, bum!

hello and good morning miscarriages of
justice are they increasing and what can

we do about them and what impact do they
have on confidence in our police tracy

stubbs you're running this campaign to
Free the Chigwell 2. Why have you

it four years after your husband was
imprisoned?

Well, Robert, I always knew that my
husband never did it. In fact, we only

recently learned that the detective in
charge of the case was Ben. Hey, watch

this. He might be hiding.

I don't care. My husband's languishing
for a crime he didn't commit.

Look, as an ex -cop, I'm fed up of
people like you always slagging off the

police. If I could just say, Robert,
speaking as a solicitor, I

feel that...

A problem that we must address is the
length of time it takes for injustice to

be undone. I mean, look how long people
like Judith Ward and the Birmingham Six

had to wait. Hear, hear. The Home
Secretary's got a grand bow pinned in

here. I was phoning and phoning.

Where were you? When he's too old.
Tracey's on television. You know.

Oh, Shane is Shane. Good job I got it.
Good.

What did you do that for? Don't you want
to know where I was last night?

Not a lot. I couldn't go to my mother's.
I wouldn't go to that bitch Melanie

Fishman's. Couldn't afford to book into
a hotel.

So I had to... spend the night in the
spare room of my pathetic brothers,

pathetic Sammy and pathetic Collingdale.

And the baby screaming in the next room.
And the pervasive smell of regurgitated

baby nips seeping from every wall.

So it's not going to make the good hotel
guide then?

Oh, all right, door. Why couldn't you
stay in your own house?

Because the police have sealed it off.

Hey, what?

Apparently...

They found $100 ,000 in Marcus's bank
account originating in Bolivia.

So? How's your access bill for a month
taken care of?

Sharon, Bolivia is in South America.

Yeah?

They've charged him with drug running.

I mean, it's so ridiculous.

The only drug he's interested in is milk
of magnesia.

Why don't you just tell him where the
money comes from? He can't.

Or he won't.

Oh.

You don't think he really could be... A
big -time drug baron?

Don't you think I'd know?

Why? He doesn't know you're a big -time
adulteress, does he?

I know. Thanks for sticking up for me in
there. Oh, not at all. I thought you

were very eloquent.

Do you mean it, or are you just trying
to give me a tug?

Hardly, Mrs. Stubbs.

I live with a conveyancing clerk called
Gregory.

Oh.

Exactly.

However, that is not why I should like
to meet your husband and Mr.

Theodopoulopoulos. I think that a gross
miscarriage of justice has been

perpetrated, and I'd like to help him.

But why don't you come to me and arm my
leg?

Mrs. Stubbs, if we get them off,
there'll be so much compensation, you

miss an arm and two legs.

Hello,

Tracy.

Been mouthing off on the telly now, have
you? Yeah, just leave me.

I've got a weak stomach.

Then let me introduce you.

This is Mr. Pace. He's harassing me.

This is Rodney Smithson, my solicitor.

Now, what was he wanting to tell me?

I just heard on the grapevine your son's
been arrested for illegal fly -posting.

Stubbs, if I can be of any help, please
don't hesitate at all. Thank you.

Oh,

puss.

I hope you're going to wipe that off
after.

been? Negotiating a series?

I've been down Wharf from Stone Nick.

Oh, right.

Garfield was arrested, weren't he?

I was just pasting as seen on TV
stickers on the Chigwell 2 posters and

police van screeched up and four coppers
jumped out.

Mr. Smithson's putting in an official
complaint.

Who? The brief that was on Kilroy with
me.

Oh, the one you were making eyes at. No,
I wasn't. It was the camera angles.

Anyway, he was brilliant. Got me out in
no time.

And he gave the station officer a really
vicious bollocking without using a

single rude word.

And he's doing all this for free, is he,
Trace? Never mind the money. I want to

see myself on telly. Come on. I've
rewound it for you.

Now, you may be wondering what I'm
doing.

You've taped the wrong side.

Why? It's a bit further down the tape. I
hope you ain't wiped over dirty

dancing.

From the beginning?

1900... You've blown it, Cheryl. The
first and last time I'm ever likely to

on television and you press the wrong
bloody button.

Maybe Daryl taped it.

I mean, we were both stunned when the
gun suddenly appeared from nowhere.

Weren't we, Daryl? Gob smacked.

Although your fingerprints were on them.
Yeah, because Tatum tossed a gun at me

and I automatically caught it, thereby
transferring my dabs onto said firearm.

But, uh, Mr.

Theodoropoulos, your fingerprints were
found on money from the robbery that was

used to place a bet at a bookmaker's a
few miles from the scene of the crime.

Of course.

Because we went up to Newport Pagnol to
get some money off a geezer we'd done a

conservatory for for cash, didn't we,
Dabble?

Yeah. I realise now he must have done
the blag and used the money to pay us.

I mean, if it means sticking our hands
up to a charge of tax evasion, so be it.

So be it.

And can you remember where you built
this conservatory for this mystery man?

Yeah, I do, as it happens.

It was a restaurant just outside of
Milton Keynes, but it burnt down a

years ago and the owner disappeared.

Well, he would have, wouldn't he, if he
was bent, eh?

Good. Well, that all seems very
plausible.

I think we're on our way, gentlemen.

Great.

Great, isn't it, Trace?

Yeah, I suppose.

You don't sound too happy.

Well, of course I'm happy.

But you didn't do it, did you, Daryl?
Titan did set you up. I believe we can

convince the appeal court of that. That
ain't what I'm talking about.

Look, did you do it or didn't you?

I see.

Listen, it's not a matter of what we
did, Chase. Exactly. We're talking here

reasonable doubt.

We can establish that and have an
excellent opportunity to overturn the

conviction and extract a very satisfying
sum of money from the crown.

and finish Tatum Square for good. Eh,
Dowell?

Yeah. The icing on the cake, eh, sugar?

He deserves it. I mean, arrest him, I'd
garfy. That's right out of order.

Of course, you'll have to give your
sister her marching orders.

But Chris says he's keen to have another
go at married life.

Yeah, hang about. There's no chance of
getting out.

You did do it, didn't you?

Mrs. Stubbs, this is a conversation I
don't even want to know about.

Look, I need to know.

Tracy, you've done great in this
campaign, and I love you for it.

There's no need to start believing your
own publicity, is there? Yeah, and I

mean, we promise not to do it again,
don't we? Eh?

He did it, shall.

Eh? Daryl did it. And Chris.

Both as guilty as sin.

Bad visit.

Men are all the same, Tracy.

They have criminal propensities they
cannot control.

Shut up, door.

I've been so stupid trying to convince
myself that Daryl's innocent.

Oh, no.

But if you really want to believe
something... Let's elicit his own unit

money. Welcome to the real world, Tracy.

Does it matter?

As long as he can get them out.

Well, it shouldn't matter, but it does.

I mean, if I did it, that probably means
Trevor's a villain too.

You're a regularist, Marples, aren't
you? Which means Tatum probably ain't

Look, don't feel too bad.

He's still a bastard, isn't he? I think
the bottom line, Tracy, is all men are

irredeemably flawed.

Yeah.

Only good for one thing.

Then they fall asleep.

I'm so depressed.

Join the club.

What a good idea, Dawn.

I mean, if Daryl does get out, the
police will be on his back every minute

the day.

Snap out of it, Trace. Look at that bum.

Should have a health warning on it.

You think of nothing but sex.

Yes, usually.

But now I have to do your thinking about
it as well as my own.

He'll be so depressed when he realises
the game's up.

Dorian, darling.

Oh.

Melanie.

Oh, you look fabulous. New tracksuit.

Chirruti. Gesundheit.

I'm so... surprised to see you here,
Dorian.

You're so brave.

We've all heard how the police have
sealed off your house while Marcus is

suspicion of laundering money for
oblivion drug cartel.

Louder, Melanie. I don't think they can
hear you in the showers.

That's a sweet dress.

I'll borrow you that.

Really?

It's wonderful how Richard Shops can
manufacture a copy of a Paris original

that...

almost convinces.

Were you born with a vicious tart, or do
you have coaching?

You must speak to the management about
tightening up the criteria for bringing

in guests.

If you don't shut it, you'll be talking
to your doctor about another nose job.

a bundle, Dorian. How fortunate.

Polyester's machine washable.

Who was Ernesto?

The Spanish coach.

The one who sold my watch.

Oh, yeah, the one who couldn't get into
bed.

Couldn't you?

You missed something.

Very exciting day for you both.

This takes your earnings for the year to
two million dollars.

This is a wonderful day.

And we very much want to thank our
friends in England who invested money

hope in my sister's career while she was
still on the junior circuit.

Well, I hope you'll pay them all back.

We already have.

Our investors have been sent cheques
which will repay their money tenfold.

That's ten times ten thousand dollars,
Trice. A hundred thousand dollars, sir.

And where does Ernesto live?

South America, the continent in which I
think Bolivia is to be found.

Right, Doc, you get in the vintage
champagne and we won't tell Marcus that

had him written off as the Chigwell
Connection.

What a relief.

Right, I'm going to go and tell the
police, get the house opened up, and get

of this viscose frock.

He was. He was following us.

You're hallucinating, Trace. I told you
not to take those last half dozen

tranks.

Will you stop harassing my sister, or
we'll report you.

Me? Harassing?

I'm not even on active service.

Look, surely a private citizen can pull
up in his car and say hello to the wife

of a notorious blagger that he once put
away.

Yeah, well, they ain't going to be away
for much longer, so they'll be a nice

little selling maidstone vacant, just
right for a bent copper.

And another thing... I'm sorry to spoil
your Christmas, but it's not going to be

a vacancy.

In fact, there's likely to be a sudden
outbreak of overcrowding once the old

firm gets reunited.

What are you on about?

I'm on about a certain Trevor Mims, who
yesterday ran out of a North London

jeweller's with a gun in one hand and a
bag of Tom in the other.

You liar!

Trevor was in Amsterdam yesterday.

No, not Amsterdam.

Amstead? High Street?

Breaks my heart, too.

He's such a love.

Well, all right. So the silly sod got
himself nicked. That doesn't mean you

didn't set him up first time round.

No, but I think I might get the benefit
of the doubt.

Especially as Trevor kindly gave me a
brown envelope.

What's a brown envelope?

A brown envelope is when a suspect, in
this case Trevor, tells the police

everything he can about every crime he's
ever committed in exchange for a

promise of a lighter sentence.

You mean grassy?

Yeah, I mean, super grassing, Trace.
After all I did for his mum.

Yeah. Looks like I'll just have to
knuckle down and do me time after all.

Oh, Daryl.

Still, we're giving them a run for their
money, eh?

Once or twice, I even thought you might
get us out.

Only once or twice?

Well, after all, we did do it, sugar.

Smith knew I was fannying him. These
dodgy briefs will know the score.

But you lied to me. I made a complete
fool of myself on Kilroy in front of

everyone.

Trace. Tracey, look.

You never crossed my mind you were
taking me seriously.

But you'd have stood up in that appeal
court and denied you was ever at Newport

Paganol. I told the court I was a
rightful heir to the Russian throne.

They'd get me out of this hole and back
home with you.

That's what I want.

That's what keeps me going.

Especially this near Christmas.

Oh, I'm sorry, sugar. I suppose I... I
just forgot how deep down honest you've

always been.

You mean gullible?

Don't sound so hurt.

I'm frightened, Daryl.

I'm frightened that when you get out,
you'll just go back to it like Trevor

I mean... He got off for something he
did do, and a fortnight later, he's out

terrorising engaged couples with a
starting pistol.

But I'm different than Trevor.

Yeah. Yeah.

For starters, I'm not a prat.

When I come out, that's it. I'm not
going back inside again, promise.

Every con says that. Just means you
don't ever intend getting caught again.

What do you want me to do? Swear?

Yeah. I want you to swear that when you
get out, you own as much as fiddle your

bus fares.

All right.

I swear.

Good.

How about a tube?

Garth, any chance of getting your bum
down here before the Queen's speech

starts?

I can't stop this blooming thing.

I don't know why you're bothering.

Because it's Christmas, Chase. That's
why.

Don't I want you moping around?

Like he said, we gave the system a run
for its money.

You could be in hospital getting visited
by Noel Edmonds.

You get it, Trace.

I'm in the middle of a very delicate
operation.

Begging for it.

It's from Trevor.

What's this?

I love one of these brown envelopes.

You'd think you'd know there were two
R's in sorry, wouldn't you?

Sure.

Who said there ain't a cent a clause?

I don't know why you're getting so
excited. Just because some toe rag

a little bit of what he owes us anyway.

That's it, Trace. Really getting into
the festive spirit now, ain't you?

Come on, then, can't it?

One, two, three, four.

I just had to tell you the good news.

Marcus is free. My credit cards are once
again acceptable in the best parts of

Bond Street.

And Melanie Cushman has the most
enormous cold sore on her upper lip.

And a Merry Christmas to you too, Dor.
So you're the reason for that news item

on the last minute upsurge in the retail
trade. I certainly hope so.

Here you are.

Wear them in good health.

For us? Of course.

You're my best friend.

I love you.

And you're all right too.

For an erotic, shopaholic sex maniac.

Well, go on, then. Open them. Let me
feast my eyes upon your grateful faces.

Oh!

I know.

You're lost for words.

May I suggest you shouldn't have,
Dorian. They're beautiful. We're not

Oh, they're beautiful!

Oh, not half.

Trouble is, what have I got to go with
something like this?

Well... Just had to treat yourself to
something new, weren't you?

Whee!

I'll get it, Trace. They say good things
come in threes. It might be Mel Gibson

with a case of the rampant hot.

I've got an unexpected visitor.

Merry Christmas.

Right, that's it. I'm phoning the
National Council for taking liberty.

Now, now, Tracy, that's not the
attitude. I've simply come in the spirit

season to say Merry Christmas and no
hard feelings.

So, here's your ticket for that flat
tire.

And here's a bottle of brandy to get
your pudding blazing.

Ooh!

Must be staff bonuses all round every
time you walk into Threshers.

I'd offer you a nip, only I can't buy me
pliers.

Very droll, Tracy.

Well, I must be off to church.

Why? To frame the vicar.

Tracy, please. Let bygones be bygones,
eh?

How come there's a £50 note stuck to the
sole of my shoe?

Must be your lucky day.

You must have brought it in with you.
Anyway, don't spend it all at once. I'll

see you at.

Well, I wish you Merry Christmas and a
couple of dozen Happy New Years. Because

if I never see you again, it'll be once
too often.

Don't be like that, Tracy.

Look. You might be married to a villain,
but you're OK.

What you tried to do for him was more
than he deserved.

No, it wasn't. He's my husband.

Nothing's too much for him.

You're wasted on him, you know.

Look, if you fancy going out for a drink
or a curry one night... You must be out

of your Christmas tree.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Here, you better have this. You probably
need it more than me.

No, thanks.

I'm not at the stage where I need to
take 50 quid off the bottom of copper

shoes.

Suit yourself.

Cheeky's got arsed in me hat.

He never. He did.

Sent him on his way.

You know, you're brilliant.

I've looked everywhere.

Still can't find where he stashed the
loot. Yeah, well, didn't want him to

it, did I?

You know, I reckon you've got a little
bit of your Daryl in you.

I wish I had.

Right, I've bunged the turkey in the
oven. Let's crack open the sherring.

Yeah.

What?

Ah!

Oh.

What do I do?