Original subtitles

Money to burn and I can't see a thing.

I mean, there's normally a hundred things I'm desperate for.

Yeah, well, these aren't those sort of catalogues.

And that sort of thing I don't pay for.

Just stop dripping on like we should feel sorry for you. The ones who need

sympathy are the poor sods whose firms your husband and his wife have to earn

all this extra cash.

Tracy, accountants help businesses into this world and they help them out.

It's a fact of life.

How much has Marcus given you, exactly?

I'd rather not say. It's disgustingly large.

How disgusting.

Imagine Fergie having her toes sucked.

You can say what you like about Marcus, and God knows I do, but he is a very

generous man.

He's got no choice married to you.

Well, I deserve something from our relationship.

Most people have to live with their disappointments. I have to sleep with

He gives you in your purse what he can't give you in bed.

What Marcus can offer in bed would be covered by a £5 postal order.

Why don't you put it in a building society?

For the same reason I hate sensible shoes but adore G -string bikinis. I

need to be reckless.

Besides, Marcus says we have to get rid of it for tax reasons.

So splash out on a holiday.

Been round the world twice.

What, in case there were some blokes you might have missed first?

Jewelry? Got everything.

From diamond -studded hair grips to 18 -carat ankle chains, taking in ruby

buttons, duds and nipple rings along the way.

Nipple rings?

Yeah, like earrings, but they go... Oh!

Clip -ons. I'm not a pervert.

Geoffrey Archer's a novelist.

Good evening, Sharon.

Tea's in the pot. Cheers. What's going on?

Manny Bagsy can't decide how to squander her dush.

Life's a bitch, ain't it?

What do you got there?

Feast your eyes.

Don't tell me Chris has taken to whiling away his sentence -making models.

Do me a favour.

The only useful thing he can do with his hands is pick his nose.

I made it.

Why?

Blue Peter must be even more desperate this year.

It's the cast.

Or at least how the cat's going to look. I wondered where my washing up liquid

top had gone. Ah, do you mind?

That's a tear.

I thought it was a good idea.

Show Nobby exactly what I wanted.

Who?

Calm down, Dora. It's not a nickname.

He's the builder. We're going to do the extinction.

Why Darth Vader attacking the counter?

He represents a customer.

I had to use the McCarthy's old toys.

So what's Chief Sitting Bull supposed to be doing sitting on my eyebar?

It's not an eyebar, it's a toilet.

How much is all this going to cost?

17 grand.

How much?

Where are you going to get that sort of money?

I got a bank loan.

I did a business plan, took it along, and they agreed straight away.

Impressed?

The bank manager was.

The last time he arranged a loan with someone called Theodopoulopoulos, he was

lying face down on the floor with his hands behind his head.

Hey, shut your eyes.

What? I've got a surprise for you. Shut your eyes and hold out your hand.

You're getting lost. I fell for that one before.

I should have guessed what you was up to and I had your zip.

I'm not going to do that in here, am I? The place is packed.

We were at a party then.

I'm not in the mood for your stupid games.

Why do you put them across in everything I try and do?

You don't need any help from me.

If you'd had a hand in it, it's guaranteed to have gone wrong.

Oh, yeah?

Well, take a look at this.

Ta -da!

A piece of metal.

Is that to go with a lump of wood I married?

It's a nameplate for your new office.

Where's me name?

Have I got to do everything?

Oh, what's up with you?

For Satan, it's always up with me.

I'm lumbered with you.

All right, then give me a seat back and I'll put your poxy name on it. Oh,

forget the nameplate.

There's not going to be an office because there ain't going to be an

Why?

Nobby said I should make sure the terms of the lease allowed us to do the

alterations. So I sent the plans in.

And the man from the landlords, he's saying no.

Well, he's not used to getting it up with me. It's not my fault.

That's not the worst of it.

They reckon they're going to double their rent.

What? They can't do that. We've got a lease.

Which runs out in six months' time.

Well, that's not my fault either.

No. But when you first persuaded me to work in the CAF, you told me the lease

had 15 years left to run instead of just 18 months.

I didn't say it was 15 years.

No, no, no.

I might have said it was something like 15 years.

How can 18 months be like 15 years?

Listen, there's a bloke on D -Wing who just spent 18 months banged up with two

nonces in a transvestite. He reckoned it seemed more like 20 years.

I hate you.

Well, what are we going to do then? We can't lose the cat. I mean, you've got

try and get in touch with someone.

I already have done.

I've got them to compromise.

They've agreed to keep the rent as it is.

As long as we pay five years' worth, that's that.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

No, it's not.

That comes to 25 grand.

We haven't got that sort of money.

We'll have to borrow it from the bank.

Look, I've already got the 17 grand they gave me for the extension, but they

won't give me any more unless I give them more collateral.

I don't like taking money from banks.

Taking money from banks is precisely the reason you're in here.

I don't trust them.

Look, go and see Stanley.

Oh, yeah.

He's a real business gent.

Miss one repayment and you get to spend half an hour playing fetch the arm with

his pit bull.

We can use Darryl and Tracy there.

What? You're going to run the calf from there?

That hamster won't stay on its little wheel today, will it?

I mean, we can use their place as the extra collateral we need.

But that one's not going to chance his precious house being repossessed.

There's no chance of it being repossessed.

It's a good business deal, it makes sense.

Maybe I should have a word with him, you know, man to man.

No, you won't. You'll just upset him and cock it up. Yeah, well, I can't just

sit here and do nothing when my whole life's in the balance.

Nothing's exactly what you'll do.

Just stay well away from him.

What do you suggest?

A fortnight in Eastbourne?

Just keep out of his way.

Give me a chance to talk to Tracy.

I'm allowed to batter her up.

Hiya. Got the shopping for you, Trace. There was no need.

Saves you doing it.

I mean, it's got to the stage where I'm starting to retain water.

I always do that when I worry.

A couple of years ago, Marcus's business was going through a sticky patch. It

looked like we'd lose everything and have to live above a sari centre in

Whitechapel. In two weeks, I could have irrigated the Sahara.

I envy you not having a burden of superfluous cash.

Born lucky, that's me.

So I've decided to become a benefactor.

Donate it to charity or something.

So you can play Lady Bountiful down your tennis club. But people only do things

for other people when there's something in it for themselves. It's a very

cynical view, Tracy, is it?

Don't worry about cooking dinner tonight, Trace. I'll do it. Why? It's my

I want to help you.

That's why you've done all the washing and ironing this week, is it? Because

want to help me.

Of course.

OK. Cook dinner tonight.

Great.

Fancy a drink, Trace? Yes, please.

But it won't do you any good.

You're not using my ass as collateral.

Bloody Chris.

I'm sorry, Trace. I told him not to say anything.

What's going on?

The landlords have threatened to double my rent unless I give them five years'

worth up front.

So I went to the bank for a loan. And they said you need this place as

collateral.

So what did your Daryl say, exactly?

Exactly?

Tell your sister to shove it.

You know what hurts me? You couldn't come straight to me. Tell me you was in

trouble and asked for help.

No, you had to be sly, doing things to try and get round me. Well, I think

that's really two -faced.

You're right, Trace.

Doing your favours just to get round you would be two -faced.

But all I was doing was getting you in a good mood.

That's a completely different thing altogether.

Yeah? Well, I don't think so.

But you're my only hope, Trace. Where else am I going to get the extra eight

grand?

I'll give it to you.

Telling Tracy what a millstone Marcus's money has become.

It's very good of you, Dawn, but I ain't looking for another partner.

Oh, good, because I wouldn't want to be one.

OK, I'll bear it in mind, but I'd rather not borrow money from a friend.

I already owe you a grand, don't I?

I've fallen out with people when I've been late paying them back a tenner.

So nine grand could seriously damage our relationship.

But I don't want it back.

I want to donate it to a worthy cause.

To feel the inner glow of...

Helping someone less fortunate than myself.

Besides, it's double the amount that cow Melanie Fishman gave to the Seaman's

Mission.

I'll give you an inner glow.

I'll stick a red -hot poker up your jacksie.

I'm sorry if I missed something here.

Did I just threaten to pull your teeth out by the roots or something?

I just offered to give you £8 ,000.

It's the way you offered it.

I... I've built up a thriving catering concern.

I'm a businesswoman, me.

I don't need your handout.

Oh, this is rich.

Annika Rice helps people to get their own TV series.

I offer to help a friend and all I get is a mouthful of abuse.

Tell Tracy I said good evening.

Did you hear her?

I'd run after her if I was you. She's your best chance of getting that money

need.

Look, I'm sorry the way I went about things, Trace. We didn't seriously

us to agree, did you? No matter how many favours you did.

Yes, I did, actually.

Sharon, this is our home.

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

We've only ever lived in pigsty.

All right, the Edmonton flat was a bit of a dump, but my first place was all

right. It had character.

It had mice.

We need that calf, Trace.

It's made a big difference to our lives.

You don't go into a cold sweat every time a phone bill arrives.

And we can have all proper tissues instead of them cheap ones that fall

after a good blow.

Gerard, me and Derek have worked too many years for this place to put it at

risk.

Risk? There isn't any risk. No?

Of course not.

Well, yes, there's a slight risk.

But it's time. Yeah, well, it's still too much. Let me visit Dan. Explain it

him. He'll say it's a good business deal. I'll do it businesswoman to

businessman.

He won't do you any good.

Well, there's no harm in me trying then, is there?

Thanks, mate.

Oi, I thought you was cooking dinner.

You said it was your turn.

I told you he'd say no, didn't I?

You all right, Shell?

What do you care?

Come and have a cup of tea.

I daren't.

I've got that many stab wounds in me back, I'd probably leak like a sieve.

How have I stabbed you in the back?

You never gave me one bit of support in that visiting room. Well, I never said I

would. Anyway, it wouldn't have made any difference.

Never know now, will we?

Look, I'm the one who should have the ump. I should never have been put in

position. Having to choose between me husband and me sister.

If it was the other way round, I'd have chosen you every time.

You'd favour Hitler over Chris.

Yeah, well, today's been a real eye -opener for me.

I never knew your Daryl could be so ignorant.

Daryl? Yes, Mr Perfect.

He wouldn't recognise a good business deal unless there were shotguns and

balaclavas involved.

Now, look, I know you're upset, but don't push your luck.

I haven't forgot that little crack you made earlier about me not having a mind

of me own.

It's true.

Oh, you wouldn't be so quick to abandon me.

How have I abandoned you? I've spent most of my life digging you out of one

of trouble after another.

Like when?

Like fights at school, like helping you out with your electricity bills, like

bailing you out when you got done for drunken disorderly. Apart from that?

Like clearing up your credit card arrears, like holding your bridesmaid so

could slap her when you caught her snogging Chris.

OK.

But it ain't always been one -way, Trace. I've been there for you as well,

know. I'm not denying that.

Look, you could still help me, you know.

We don't need Daryl's permission.

What?

It's your earth. It's in your name.

Go behind his back, you mean?

Oh, I had the loan paid off before we get there. He'd never know.

Look, your marriage might be based on mutual distrust and conniving, but

not.

Daryl ain't that different to Chris.

been dead straight with you, has he?

Remortgaged your home without you knowing?

Robbed banks without you knowing? Yeah, well, at least I knew whose bed he was

in at night.

Oh, so he was faithful?

You'd have given your right arm for an husband that was faithful. Yeah, well,

right now I'd give my right arm for a sister that believes in me enough to

me up. Look, it's got nothing to do with believing in you. I do believe in you.

Oh, yeah.

Like you believe in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy.

Whatever it is you want, Sharon, make it quick. I am rather busy.

Cool store.

You had your hair done?

It looks terrific.

That Henry really knows how to cut a bar on it, eh?

I haven't been to Henri's for over a week.

Now, is that all you wanted?

No.

It's just it's a bit awkward.

Then let me help.

Missy and Daryl have refused to remortgage their house, so you've come

back to me for the money you need.

Sort of.

Well, get on with it, then.

Crawl.

Look, I'm truly sorry, doll.

Really.

I lost my temper.

You know how it is.

No, I don't, actually.

You're not making this very easy for me, are you? Why should I?

Well...

Well, can I still have the money?

Please.

No.

Don't be so bloody vindictive.

What do you want, blood?

I can't give you the money because I don't have it anymore.

Oh, great.

My cash goes to the wall because you've treated yourself to a dozen designer

dresses. Or did you blow it all on a private showing by the Chippendales?

Actually, I gave it to the Chelsea pensioners.

What? They needed to refit and redecorate a couple of day rooms.

Can't you cancel the check?

They won't miss a couple of day rooms. They'll all be dead soon.

Sharon!

Oh, I'm sorry, Dora. I know it was a terrible thing to say, but I'm

What was it you said to me the other day?

Oh, I was only joking.

Your legs don't really look like a couple of pork chops.

Not that.

You said you didn't need a handout because you had built up a thriving

That's true. So?

So, you're the business, not the bricks and mortar.

If you lose your lease, it doesn't mean you're finished. You just start up

somewhere else.

I hadn't thought of it like that.

You're right, doll.

I know, I'm always right.

I rescued that place when it lost its drinks licence.

I built the food side up from nothing.

I mean, there's been a few hiccups, but I've always sorted them out.

Thanks, Dor.

You know, that's always been my trouble.

Deep down, I lack confidence.

Yes, I know I can be a bit of a mouthy -meer sometimes, but we're all a bit

different under the surface.

Selfish care like you would give money away.

Having trouble with the big words.

It's a joke, right?

You ain't really sent this to the landlord.

I think it's a reasonable offer.

What offer?

Unless I'm reading this completely wrong, you're telling them that unless

leave the rent exactly as it is, they can stuff their lease right up there.

Yeah, well, I think I might have put it a bit more elegantly than that.

But that's the gist. Have you gone maybe mad?

Just the opposite.

I've seen sense.

Loads of firms are going bust and giving up their leases.

It's a buyer's market.

Oh, yeah?

And where does that leave me?

I don't follow.

Will I still be your partner?

You'll get half of what I ever get for the fixtures and the fittings from the

old place. No, no, no, no, no.

Will I still be your partner in your new business?

Yeah. I see how this is shaping up.

I've just been a stepping stone on your grand design. You know, a bit of baggage

to be tossed aside when I'm no longer useful.

You've used me.

Me? Use you?

That's a novelty.

Yeah, well, you can't do it. You owe me.

Look, if I'd have given you half the calf, you'd still be scrubbing floors

living. I'll give you your first break.

You also gave me my first sexually transmitted disease, so don't... Look,

If I had to... to start up again. It'll be on me own from scratch.

Why should I give you half?

Because I'm your husband.

Only when it suits you.

Oh, right. And that's another thing, isn't it? I mean, what about our

relationship? Where's it going to leave us?

Us?

There's never been an us.

We don't mix, Chris.

We're like oil and water.

You being the dirty, greasy oil, of course.

Terrific.

So, in the space of two minutes, You tell me I've lost my wife and my

And what am I going to do when I get out with no cap to fall back on, eh? Eh?

What's a bloke supposed to do with no money?

Some eccentrics get a job.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah. Next con. Yeah, they'll be queuing up to employ

Look, we don't know what's going to happen yet.

We might not lose the cap. They might let us carry on.

No.

We get blown out.

Story of my life. I've always had it hard.

Not for me, you never...

Yes, it shall.

Great.

Marvellous.

My hopes and dreams are disappearing down the pan and you sit there making

jokes.

Pack it in, Chris, or I'll clock you one.

Chris, people are staring.

I don't care.

Blow your nose for Christ's sake.

I didn't really believe that we'd stay together and run the cafe in blissful

harmony, did you?

Listen, that fort's the only thing that's kept me going in here lately, I

I think I'd better go.

What's going to happen?

I don't know.

Let's just wait and see what the landlords say, eh?

Don't look at me like that.

I don't believe it.

Trace? Look, I'm really sorry, Shell.

Yeah, you said, don't keep going on. I do believe in you, honest. I just

couldn't risk this out. Yeah, well, we don't matter now.

What, you mean it's too late?

I've already let you down.

That's not what I mean at all.

Look, I've still got me jewellery. You know, the good stuff that Daryl got me

from Asbury's.

When it was open?

I'll pull it.

Landlord, tell me you've changed your mind.

The jewelry won't be enough, but we'll get the rest from somewhere.

Don't be daft.

I know. I'll sell me car.

Will you pack it in, Trace? Look, I'm feeling guilty here. I'm trying to make

up to you.

Really? Really.

Would you go on the game for me?

What?

No, you would if you really wanted to help me.

Sharon! Oh, I'm only having you on, you silly mare.

Look, this is from the landlords.

They've caved in.

They've agreed to a new five -year lease, no increase in rent and no money

front. I've won.

Oh, thank God for that. I'm so pleased. Yeah, there's a swarthy little guest of

Her Majesty's that'll be rubbing his hands together and all. Oh, I would have

felt really guilty if you'd lost the calf because of me.

You've got nothing to feel guilty about, Trace. You did me a favour.

If you'd have helped me get that money, I might never realise that I'm too good

a businesswoman to be able to ransom by leeching landlords.

You mean it? No hard feelings?

Honestly.

Okay. But, if you're ever in trouble, don't waste your breath coming to me.

It was a joke, Trace, a joke.