Original subtitles

Here, Trace, cop this.

Fourteen fun -filled days in fabulous Wengerola.

It's only 400 quid. What do you reckon? I reckon you should belt up.

I'm trying to work out how much we've got to spend on this holiday.

I can't wait to get away.

Two whole weeks of sun, sea and Sharon.

So, how much we got in the kitty, then?

Is it going to be a fortnight in funky Fuengirola? Or ten days in tasty

Tenerife? Try a long weekend at Butlins, if we're lucky.

What? We're skint.

We can't be.

By the time you pay off the wholesalers from the CAF what you owe them, and I'll

pay the gas, the electric and the water, we'll have with a grand total of £17

.33p.

Oh, great!

I work my fingers to the bone in that CAF.

First years of my life, up to me elbows in spotted dick.

All I got to do out of it was one lazy holiday.

I can't even edit that.

You're not the only one, Sharon. I was looking forward to a break too, you

I know.

Never mind.

Something to turn up. Sharon! Tracy!

Something just has.

Hello,

Dorian.

Come in, Dorian.

The door was on the latch.

Oh, off on holiday?

No, we're not, actually.

We can't afford it. What a pity. Anyway, on to me. Now, I need an honest opinion

from you.

Right. You're an old trollop.

I'm being serious.

So was I.

Take notice of her door. What is it? OK.

Now... What do you think of my breasts?

You what?

My breasts.

Are they still pert?

Bloody hell, Tracey, she's got a bit martini on her.

Must be all those nights sitting in alone watching Prisoner still block H.

Sharon, I'm considering cosmetic surgery.

Having my boobs done.

You know, implants.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Well, actually, Tracey, it's very chic.

Yeah, much?

I said chic, not cheap.

You see, when a woman reaches a certain age, she starts to notice certain, well,

changes in her body.

I know what you mean, Dore.

One minute you're strolling along a moonlit beach, arm in arm with some

young gigolo.

Next minute you turn around and your bum's rubbed out both your footprints.

Thank you, Sharon.

You have such a unique gift for self -expression.

Anyway, I popped along to see Jonathan.

Ross? Dimbleby?

Kravitz.

My cousin, the cosmetic surgeon.

And he gave me this booklet to look through.

And here's some they made earlier.

You see, you just choose the pair you want and then you leave the rest to

So what's top of the pops, Lindor? Well, I rather think that those are me.

Nah, they wouldn't suit you. Why not?

They're black.

Sharon, don't be so pure -eyed.

The pictures only illustrate size and shape.

Oh, I get it. The colour chart's separate.

Bit like Dulux.

You could have your left one done in a keen fissure blue, and then you could

have your right one done in a contrasting aquamarine.

That way it'd match your bedroom curtains.

Sharon, perhaps I should point out that Cousin Jonathan also specialises in

liposuction.

Perhaps I could put in a word for you.

No, thanks.

I ain't having nothing sucked that I've got to pay for.

I think it's all unnatural.

My Daryl would kill me if I started mucking about with my fruit knees.

your Daryl's stuck in the Stone Age. No, Maidstone, actually.

I don't go in for all this self -improvement palaver.

As far as I'm concerned, you can take me as you find me. Very commendable,

Sharon. Unfortunately, not all of us suit unkempt and unfashionable.

No. Some of us prefer undressed and unfaithful.

Which is probably why you're going in for this in the first place. For your

information, Sharon, this is all about having confidence in one's own body.

I am doing this strictly for myself.

Oh.

Besides, my best friend Melanie Fishman's just had hers done.

And if that smug little madam thinks I'm going to live in the shadow of her 34DD

cup, she is very much mistaken.

So how much do these implants cost?

About £3 ,000.

How much?

Well, less family discount, of course. Me and Sharon can't even afford a cheapo

package on a day. And you're talking about spending three grand on getting

bristles pumped up.

I know.

Life's a bitch.

Bye.

Watch my lips. No, no, no, no, no. And that's my final word.

So you'll do it then?

No, I ain't getting up and singing with you, ain't some potsy boozer. But the

first prize is an holiday, Trace. It's just what we're looking for.

A cotton shell.

Not in front of all them people.

Tracey, it's Friday night at the Queen's Head.

Not Sunday night at the London Palladium.

Come on, it'll be a doddle.

You used to have a great voice when we was kids.

Did I? Yeah, I suppose it weren't too bad.

We sounded all right when we sang together.

Exactly. Yeah, we could be Chigwell's answer to Shakespeare's sister -in -law.

You mean sister?

Shakespeare didn't have a sister.

He didn't live in Chigwell either. It's the name of the group.

Oh. So, what do you reckon?

Oh, all right, if it shuts you up. Brilliant.

So what are we going to sing, then? Well, I just happen to have one karaoke

songbook. And one karaoke practice tape. Oh, become prepared then.

One, two. One, two, three, four.

I should have made you leave the key

finally arrived in Chigwell.

Calm down, doll. It was only singing. It wasn't singing.

It was the sound of property prices plummeting to an all -time low.

Well, I thought we'd sounded pretty good.

We're well on course for that first prize.

I'm sorry. Am I missing something?

Prize for what?

The karaoke competition down the Queen's Inn.

Me and Tracy are entering.

The first prize is an holiday.

Karaoke, here in Chigwell.

There must be some mistake. We have bylaws to deal with, that's for sure.

We are.

Save yourself.

My God, it's true.

The ugly spectre of socialism still haunts us.

Anyway, we're busy rehearsing.

So why don't you just go and shove off and buff your toenails or something? Oh,

charming.

Don't mind me, I'm just a neighbour.

Not to mention a loyal friend.

Don't anyone ask me my news.

All right, Dorian, tell us your news.

Good. I thought you'd never ask.

I went to see Jonathan again today.

He talked me through the operation, and I've decided I'm definitely going ahead

with it.

Dorian, don't be such an idiot.

By having these implants, all you're doing is reinforcing a clichéd male

stereotype of what an attractive woman should look like. Women of the 90s have

got to progress beyond that.

I hadn't looked at it quite like that.

Neither had she until she heard it on the Oprah Winfrey show.

It's true, isn't it? I mean, it's always women that do all these things to

themselves just so that men will like them better.

You never see men doing it for us, do you?

Except for that George Hamilton geezer.

Who?

The bloke that was married to Rod Stewart's ex.

You know, the one after Brit but before the two Kellys.

Well, what about him?

He has regular injections of sheep's hormones to keep him looking young.

You're joking.

What about the side effects?

Apparently there ain't none.

Mind you, he does walk a bit funny every time.

Oh, you're making too much out of this.

Tracy, you always try to look your best, don't you? You wear nice clothes and

make -up.

Yeah. And Sharon, you always... Well, occasionally.

Or at least... No, OK, bad example.

What's your point, Dorian? The point is we all, or most of us, want to look

good. And in this day and age, having your boobs done is as easy as buying a

dress. Except you don't find Bristol's in the Freeman's catalogue.

Unless you can't Lulu's.

Look, these operations can be very dangerous.

If one of those implants leak, they can cause all sorts of trouble. Oh, you're

being ridiculous.

Look.

Cousin Jonathan gave me this demonstration model to bring home. See?

Perfectly safe.

Oh.

I've heard of getting your thumb bags out, but that's disgusting.

Put it away.

Oh. Don't be silly.

Have a look. Go on.

Get off, Tracy. Oh, have it back.

Oh, well, I can see I'm wasting my time here.

Should you fancy another round of pass the parcel with one of my future bosoms,

please feel free to drop by.

Thanks, doll. We will.

Poor old doll.

What do you mean, poor old doll?

Well, putting herself all through this just so she can feel better about

herself. I know how she feels, that's all.

You don't mean you considered having your... Of course not. I just remember

bad I felt when Daryl went away.

Yeah, but it's only natural to feel lazy when your old man gets locked up.

Unless you're married to Chris, of course.

Then you crack open the bubbly, turn up the music centre and tap dance on a

kitchen table.

Well, I must be off my head. I knew I should never let you talk me into this.

Calm down, Trace. You've got nothing to worry about.

No. How about making a complete prat of ourselves in front of everyone?

Well, yeah, apart from that.

Are you joking?

Look, we're going to be great, Trace.

Trust me.

Trust me, Trace.

Don't step on my blue suede shoes You can do anything but don't step on my

suede shoes

Could you spell that?

S -K -A -R.

No, I meant your surname, love.

So, Theo, a dopper, then an opposite.

Hey, I'll tell you what. Why don't I just put you down as Sharon T?

Yeah,

that's cool.

This is Tracy S.

Oh, right. Is she your only?

No, I ain't. I'm seeing with her.

Whoa, we're afraid not.

winning contestant through to next week's final. So what are we going to

Well, why don't one of you get up there? It's better than that one.

Well, I ain't getting up there, shall I? You'll have to get out. All right, I'll

do it.

Excusez -moi.

Yes, right.

Oh, fantastic.

Yes, thank you.

Yes.

Thank you, Elvis Goldstein.

Contestant number seven.

Ah, and now for a late entry.

Story of my life, isn't it?

Give it up for the very lovely Sharon T.

I love T -World!

I'm a little girl who's fell in love with you. And so you felt like dropping

and just expecting to be free. Now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's

loving me.

Oh, and it's your show.

You was brilliant tonight.

I know, Trace.

But don't worry, I won't forget you when I'm famous, babe.

It'll be blinding next week at the final.

Just think of it, me own sister singing live at the Hammersmith Palais.

You know, Trace, it was round the back of the Hammersmith Palais that I lost

er... You know.

I'll have a word with management next week, see if someone's ended it.

Darren! Sorry.

It's good for the voice, isn't it? Annie Lennox does it all the time.

Not while I'm eating my dinner, she don't.

You're balding.

Come on, Trace. You want me to win that holiday, didn't you? Well, of course I

do. I just think you're getting a bit carried away with yourself, that's all.

No, I'm not.

Oh, did you remember to get my stage gear from the dry cleaners? Yes. And did

you get in touch with the local papers? Yes.

You know, I am seriously considering starting a fan club.

The friends of Sharon, too.

Hello, girls.

Look out. Here comes robo -knockers.

Dorian, why are you standing like that?

I'm practising. What for?

Having a pole stuck up your jacksie.

For my newer, fuller figure.

My op's on Saturday. After that, I shall have the body of a woman half my age.

Shame it'll have her mum's head stuck on top.

Are you really going through with it?

Absolutely. Every woman has a right to feel good about herself.

I know what you mean, Dore. When I was standing up on that stage and they were

clapping... What?

Nothing.

You going to come and watch me tomorrow night, Linda?

What, to a karaoke night at the Hammersmith Palais?

Yeah. Frankly, Sharon, I'd rather bury a close relative.

You can watch me win the competition, then we'll have a good drink up, and

we can say bon voyage to your bristles.

Well, it could be quite amusing to watch you humiliate yourself, I suppose.

But what should I wear?

My new Christian Lacroix or my Gianni Versace?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

What, girls?

That's it, I've died and gone to hell.

An entire nightclub full of poor gas -going clones.

Where's Sharon?

She's in her entry number.

Here she comes.

All right, shall?

Shall?

Uh, to Sharon?

Uh, to Sharon?

What's the matter?

Well, say something.

Look at all these people.

Yeah, brilliant, isn't it? New York will be up there under the spotlight,

singing in front of all of them.

Where's my drink?

among men.

And... And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a great, big,

Gormley's welcome for our next contestant, the very talented Miss

Sharon T.

That's you, Sharon.

Go on, good luck.

We'll get her out again. You've got three minutes, then she's disqualified.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a slight technical hitch up here.

Sharon T is obviously in need of a last -minute touch -up.

So, while she gets herself sorted, let's boogie on down with a blast from...

after you.

Come on.

Look at the state of you.

Come over here and I'll fix your make -up.

There's no good choice.

I can't go through with it. What do you mean you can't go through with it? I've

told the crap I've had to part from you this week that I want that bloody

holiday and you're going to get out there now and win it.

What do you want to go abroad for anyway?

Sharon, I'm losing my patience.

What about butlings?

I've always fancied that.

We've

Redskins? You mean redcoats. If you like. No, I don't like.

Now, six of them for you. Get out there.

The truth is, I've lost me bottle.

Well, you'd better get it back.

You're always doing this.

Doing what?

Shouting that big gob off of yours and then letting me down.

No, I don't. Oh, yes, you do. Excuse me.

Sharon, do you intend seeing this evening?

Or have you taken up permanent residency in the ladies' looms?

If you don't get out there now, I'm never, ever going to speak to you again

long as I live, and I mean it.

to sound like an old married couple, for God's sake. Sharon, do you intend to

enter this competition or not?

Not. Oh, yes, you bloody well do.

I've just been sick, haven't I? I've just been sick.

You get out there now and I mean it.

Finally.

Let's put our hands together one more time.

I don't believe it.

Where's the sound check?

When you're happy, when you love me, that's a birthday.

When you're happy, when you love me, that's a

birthday.

and for nicking my place just as I was warming up. Warming up?

Burying up more like it. And now she's one hour old and it is all your fault.

It's her come to gloat.

Hello, fans.

What are you doing here?

Oh, thank you for that heartfelt reception, Sharon.

My pleasure. Now sling your rook.

If that's the way you feel, Sharon, I will. But before I go, I'd like you both

to have this.

the holiday voucher.

What are you giving it to us for?

You won it.

Because you need it.

So take it.

I don't know what to say.

Oh, thanks, Dor.

I always said she was one of the best, didn't I?

Of course you did, Sharon.

Well, mustache.

Oh, yeah, you got your brighton today, didn't you? Oh, no, it's cancelled.

Haven't you heard?

I can.

Tracy, did you see those men last night?

They absolutely adored me.

Not Even my self -esteem needs any more boosting than that.

I've got at least 200 phone numbers to start working through.

And you saved yourself a packet.

Well, no, because I used the operation money to book a fortnight's holiday on

the Paradise Isle of Mustique.

I fly out this afternoon.

Hang about, Dore.

If you wanted to get away, why don't you keep the holiday voucher?

Me, on a package holiday?

On a charter flight?

Full of dreadful people like you who look as if they come from El Dorado.

Oh, I think not, Sharon.

But you both have a lovely time.

Ciao.