Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do?

Hello, Sharon.

What, your door?

You are in, then.

No use trying to pull the wool over your eyes, is it?

No.

Hello, Tracy.

Hello, door.

She's in and all.

Yes. Um... What?

You aren't going out at all, are you, this evening?

No, why?

I might just have to ask you to do me the smallest favour tonight.

Oh, yeah, what's that been?

Do you remember anything about Promises to Keep?

Oh, yeah.

That's the book you wrote, isn't it?

Rumpy -pumpy round the world.

The Guinness Book of Bonking.

We remember it. We read it. It was all about bonking. Nookie.

Leg over situation.

Hiding the salami. Bonking.

Yeah. It was sort of... of autobiographical.

And it was based on your life and all.

About all the fellas you've ever had. It's about as long as the Encyclopedia

Britannica. I think you've made your point.

My heroine has a healthy physical appetite, I admit.

Pussy go lightly is a raging nympho.

I changed the name and it isn't simply about sex.

Anyway, it's going to be published.

What? You mean it's going to be all printed up?

Brought out as a book?

You seem to have a good grasp of what publishing means. So far, so good.

historian. You'll be famous.

That's amazing.

Congratulations. Well, I do have a problem. You see, if it is published,

might read it. Well, as is your husband. I'd say it was a race in certainty he'd

read it. Yes. You see, as you say, it is partly autobiographical.

Yes. And I have been honest.

Frank. Yes.

Capitalite on personal experience.

Oh. What?

So you see. Yes, I do see.

Well, I don't.

There are things one has done.

With one's bits on the side.

Which one hasn't done?

With one's husband.

Oh, my God.

Yes, that could be a bit of a problem, couldn't it? You see, with Marcus, the

physical thing, it isn't... No.

No. It's more... Yeah.

Yeah. How shall I put it?

Straight up and down?

I mean, no frills sort of thing.

Well, he's going to wonder where I got it from.

Well, you'd just have to change your name to.

Exactly.

That's why I'm here. You see, I was put on the spot today.

This problem was on my mind, and the publisher phoned unexpectedly.

And I said my name wasn't really Dorian Green. It was a pen name.

I wanted to achieve anonymity as soon as possible. And he said, well, what's

your real name?

Yeah. Well, I was put on the spot.

Yes.

So what did you say?

Sharon. Yes.

I said Sharon.

Sharon what?

Theodopoulopoulos.

Pardon?

I thought she was put on the spot. Well, it was the first name that came into my

head. And what did he say?

He said he could quite see why I changed my name to Dorian Green.

I beg your pardon?

Look, I don't quite understand this. He thinks your book's by Dorian Green?

Then I realised the danger, and I said that was a nom de plume, which I had no

intention of using anyway. See, I wanted to bury Dorian Green as soon as

possible. So do I.

Well, it doesn't end there, I'm afraid.

Oh, great.

I suppose you gave him my address and all.

Yes.

Well,

I was... I was also worried about letters. I'd had one with Lawkins and

Roughead, publisher, on the envelope already. I didn't want Marcus to get

suspicious, so I said there'd been a mistake in the address.

What? I said I actually lived next door.

What? Well, she was put on the spot.

Which brings me to the favour I need doing.

What? He wants to meet me, Mr Roughead. I don't want to meet him. I don't want

him to know who I am. So I was hoping that you could have just a little chat

with him for me.

What? When?

He's coming here tonight.

What? What time?

I said 8 o 'clock. It's only half past six.

No way. I ain't speaking to no publisher. Sharon.

Read my lips.

No way.

If you ask again, you'll be reading a bunch of forwards.

Tracy. I ain't doing nothing.

Well, tell him Sharon Theodopoulos is out.

Go on to hospital. Anything. Just get rid of him for me, please.

She's out.

Sorry. Gone to hospital.

She's dead sorry. Had a turn.

And don't go trying next door because there's no one of that name there. You

know, of either name. There's no Sharon Theodopoulos or Doreen Green next door.

They both live here and she's out.

Doreen and Sharon being the one person, like, and having gone to hospital with a

turn. And the man next door ain't nothing to do with us. Either of them,

But you have got the right address and it was dead nice of you to call and

she'll be in touch as soon as she gets back, which shouldn't be long because it

wasn't nothing serious. And, oh, isn't that nice tie? Cheers.

Good evening, madam. I was hoping I could have a word with you about the

news in the Bible.

Before we even got to the name of this, he said he was coming here tonight to

discuss publication.

Please, Sharon, it is important to me.

Well, can't you just say you want to be anonymous?

No, he'll know, and his wife and his friends and the people at his office.

no, I'm as stiff as a connection now.

Please.

What do I have to say exactly?

Well, there is a tiny bit of a problem there.

He has seen my curriculum vitae. I thought you'd never met.

What's a curriculum vitae?

A resume of your life.

Oh, right. But we can go over that.

Yeah. Oh, and one more thing. Yeah?

I know that C &A are really exceptionally good value and those are

colourful clothes, but might you have something just a trace more Harvey

in a more straightforward colour scheme?

What? First impressions are so important, I always think.

You and I have got a bleeding nerve, Dorian Gray.

And if you could modify your speech pattern just a little, I would be

I don't want him to think that the author of Promises to Keep is from

Square.

Right, that's it. I ain't doing it. Sharon! No, you obviously don't really

me to do it because I ain't good enough. Well, don't worry.

I won't be embarrassing you in my horrible working -class clothes and my

dreadful Cockney accent because I ain't doing it.

Sharon! No!

I ain't changing the way I look and suddenly starting to talk posh just to

out some ungrateful cow that can't even stop insulting me when she wants a big

favour from me. Shut up. No, forget it. You've gone too bloody far this time. I

ain't dolling myself up in poncy gear and talking with a snobby accent to help

you out. And that is final.

One attended Girton College.

One achieved a double first.

One's spent much of one's time travelling the world and gaining

One has come to writing somewhat late in life, as one has been so busy living

it.

He's an half -sangood.

Why do you keep saying one? That isn't written down there.

Well, I thought one said one if one wanted to sound proper.

One certainly doesn't. One would sound a perfect prat.

A certain college.

It's an Oxford college. I never knew all this about you, Dore.

Er, no. Maybe she was a script associate in Hollywood.

Er, yes. You see... Done relief work in Mozambique. Yes.

Relief work?

You crossed the road to avoid being seen near an Oxfam shop.

Quit talking all this cobblers. Well, don't then.

You'll want to talk about the book anyway.

Yeah, but it's young since I read that. Right, we'll go over it now.

Right.

Pussy Go Lightly has millions of affairs... No, no, no, no, no.

I changed her name.

Thank God for that.

Yeah, well... Bloody stupid name that was.

Well, it's the only one calling someone pussy -go -lightly.

All right, I changed it, OK?

We all make mistakes.

So what's she called now, then? Rebecca Cavendish.

Oh, well, that's all right.

Hell of a sight better than pussy -go -lightly.

Tracy! So, it's Rebecca Cavendish what does all the bonking.

Would you please stop using that dreadful word?

Leave it out, Dore. It's only since she moved to Chigwell she started calling it

that.

Right.

Shall we get on?

Yeah. Now, who am I?

What do you mean? You're Tracey's dad?

Yeah. But what am I doing here?

It's your heir, Tracey. You live here.

But I don't sound like the sister of a famous writer.

It would be suspicious.

I know.

I'll be the cleaning lady.

What? Is this necessary?

Cleaning ladies come in the daytime?

Well, I'll say I couldn't come earlier because my husband got took into

with, what's the name, what's that thing that men have? I'm sure you've

discovered that by now.

Prostrate.

Prostate. I'll say my husband suddenly got a prostrate and I had to iron his

pyjamas and take him into hospital when I should have been here and now I'm

making up.

Well, that makes me look dead sympathetic, doesn't it?

Is this Baroque invention really necessary?

Cutting up offstage husbands in crisp night attire, catheterised and anxious

National Health Hospitals?

I mean, what's the point?

Why can't you just be her sister?

Because I don't talk posh. Well, she don't talk posh. No, but I'm going to.

That's what I'm worried about.

Then why did you say it was me in the first place then? I didn't... I didn't

it was you. I just said a name, the first one that came into my head.

Well, she was put on the spot. I tell you the bit.

It's what I'm like. It's a weakness. Nobody's perfect.

I phoned a boyfriend once. His wife answered, asked who I was, and I said

Lawley.

All because I'd just been listening to Desert Island Discs. Oh, I like that.

was it?

That's the whole point.

It's only by the grace of God that I didn't say I was Princess Anne.

I just said the first thing I think of. I'm sorry. It's what I'm like.

It's half past seven. I'd better go.

Go? Go.

I can't be here, can I? That's the whole point.

Can't you pretend you're a secretary or something? It'll pay out when it gets a

bit dodgy. I don't want him to see me. He'll only be here half an hour. You'll

be all right.

Well, can't you just hide and whisper things when it gets a bit iffy?

This isn't Hamlet or Run For Your Wife.

I'm not about to hide me in the arse or cower in wardrobe.

Dorian. No, I'll see myself out. I know the way.

Dorian!

Sharon Theodopoulopoulos?

No.

No, she's a writer and I'm not. Not at all. In any way. No, I'm her secretary

and advisor.

How do you do? I'm Simon Roughhead. A bit early, I'm afraid. How do you do?

How do you do?

How do you do?

Theodopoulopoulos. Ah, how do you do? The writer.

The one who wrote the book. Yes. The one you've come to see. Yes.

No, I... How do you do?

And, er... This is the cleaning lady, Tracy Stubbs. Pleased to meet you.

How do you do?

I don't normally come in the evenings, but my husband had to go into hospital

suddenly with a prostrate and I swine his pyjamas.

Sorry to hear that. So I'll come in the evening to make up.

I mean, Miss Theodopoulos didn't want me to come. I mean, she's a good employer.

I wouldn't want to give you the wrong impression.

But I wanted to come off my own back.

Yes. Well, I'd better be off. Ah, ah, no.

One shall need one's secretary and advisor at this meeting.

But, yes, one will.

You advise on that, yes.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name.

Huh.

Yes, um, well, tell... the nice gentleman your name.

Yes, all right, all right.

Putty Golightly.

Miss Golightly.

Yes. Now, how do you do, Miss Golightly? Oh, please, call me...

Miss Golightly, yes.

So, Miss Theodopoulopoulos, how do you write?

With a biro.

Silly question with a biro.

Oh, my wife went to Girton, you know.

Oh, well.

Before your time, of course. Well, I wouldn't have known her then.

No. It's very surprising meeting you. You write like someone a lot older.

Oh.

A little older.

Girton, a good experience for you, was it?

Too right it was.

I mean, indeed it was.

A lot of the men there were after me.

I got a lot of experience, if you know what I mean.

Men? Yes.

The other men students, what was... who was... who were at the college with me.

At Girton's Women's College?

At the other colleges.

Yes, that's what I meant.

The other colleges at Oxford, yes.

Cambridge?

What? The Gertons at Cambridge College.

Is it?

Is it?

Yes.

Yes. Yes, I get confused.

I was at Oxford as well for a while.

Ah. Yes, she was. She was at Oxford and Cambridge. She don't know who to cheer

for on boat race day.

I'm very impressed with your book.

Oh. It's very... Good.

Exciting. Well written.

Sexy.

Too right it is.

Sex is my thing, you see.

I? What?

I beg your pardon?

It's my department.

You see, Mr. Lawkins does cookery, sport, classics and crime.

Oh, yes.

And I do shopping and bonking.

Did you read Libido by Patrick Allerline?

No. Oh, well, do yourself a favour. Really, it's absolutely red hot.

Does the job a treat?

I published it. I discovered Patrick Allerline.

Now then, Chapter 7.

May I speak frankly?

Of course. It is the weakness.

Is that where everyone on the 747 joins the Mile Eye Club at the same time?

That's right.

Yeah, I thought that was a bit crappy.

Could you do a rewrite? Make it much simpler, getting back to the main story.

Of course, no problem.

Well, we will need it in a week. A week?

That's all right. No, it isn't.

Could you give her just a little bit longer?

Well... Go off.

This is Mr Ruffet.

He's going to publish Mrs Theodopoulopoulos' book.

Eh?

Your mother told me about your father, Garth.

Yeah, well, thanks.

Let's hope he's back home again soon.

Well, he's definitely in for four more years.

I had no idea it was that serious.

Oh, isn't it great about Mrs Theodopoulopoulos' book?

Promises to Keep.

You wrote that?

Yes, but I thought... No, no. I wrote it.

Oh, I read that. It's great.

You read it?

When did you read it?

Ages and ages ago.

Did you like it? Oh, yeah, it's great, yeah. Couldn't put it down.

That pussy -go -lightly's a right little goer, isn't she?

Well?

Well, it's... Oh, God.

It's no good. I didn't say it was no good.

No, you didn't. So what do you think? It's no good.

Well, don't go round the houses, Sharon. Just say what you think, straight out.

Tell me to be honest.

When did I say that?

Lie to me.

Let me drag the truth out of you, kicking and screaming. I'm vulnerable

What do you think, Tracy?

It's crap.

This charm school you both went to, did you get a refund?

Look, I like the book when I read it all that time ago, Dore, but the bit on the

plane lets it down.

Yes. I mean, it's daft. Yes.

Thank you, Tracy.

Really, really stupid.

Yes, OK, OK.

I mean, it's dead.

People behaving like that. Tracy. I think you may have got your point

Tracey. And the rewrite no better?

Yes, well, it's not an improvement.

Oh.

Well, I can't rewrite an entire chapter in an evening.

Don't get upset, Dore. You can do it. Of course I can.

Look, the rest of it's brilliant.

Really, really good.

I can't believe it's you what wrote it.

You really ought to do a little work on how to pay people compliments, Tracy.

Right now, you've got a better backhand than Monica Felesh.

All right, all right.

We don't charge VAT, we ain't got no drugs, and our own men are banged up

already.

Don't look there.

Blimey, doll.

The bags under your eyes are so big, I can read Louis Vuitton on them.

Here. It's only half past six. I've just finished it. I must know what you

think.

Blimey, Dore. You look like death.

And you're very slightly warmed over.

That woman only lives to bolster my confidence, you know.

Oh, now that's good.

That's clever. That is clever.

No, it's crap.

Oh, no!

It's wonderful door.

It is. It's terrific, really.

It's almost like reading a real book.

The other day, when I was looking for an alibi and I came up with being a

cleaning lady, I wonder where I got that idea from.

You're just dead inventive, Trace.

Hello?

I'm very well, thank you. How are you?

Oh, I'm glad you like the new bit.

Yeah.

Oh, it was no problem at all.

Did it in one evening, actually.

Just dust it off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No problem.

The 15th it is.

Ta -ra!

Poor old Dorian. Another rewrite.

Who are you calling?

Dorian, of course.

Well, she ain't there.

She's gone away with Marcus.

There's this horrible feeling coming over me, Trace.

When does she get back?

The 20th.

OK, OK, right, yep.

No need to panic.

We just find out where she's gone, tell her what's needed and she can post it to

us. It'll actually be one of them special people.

You know, it's the ride the minute it's sent. Ain't no mountain high enough sort

of thing.

That's it.

Hang on.

We can fax her.

They have faxes in hotels?

Yes. No bother. Plenty of time.

I was worried for a minute then, Trace.

Where's she gone?

I don't know.

Well, what company's she gone with?

I don't know.

Well, Marcus will have booked it.

What's the name of his company?

I don't know.

There's quite a lot you don't know, isn't there, Trace?

I've just remembered.

Thank God for that.

It's a secret.

Martha's booked it. It's an anniversary or something. And they ain't told no

-one because they don't want anyone from work interrupting them or anything.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, isn't it romantic?

Tracy! But I know the name of the place.

You do? Thank God.

Yeah. Communicado.

What? She said we'll be in Communicado.

We'll be in Communicado. We'll be in Communicado.

We'll be in Communicado.

We'll be in Communicado. Trace, this book needs another sex scene, like

Charlton needs a crash diet.

Well, why don't we make her the judge's long -lost daughter?

No, it's stupid.

Well, we can't do this. It's daft. We can't do Dorian's rewrite.

Well, who else is going to do it? Well, that's it.

It won't get done.

Ruffin said if he don't have this rewrite by the 15th, then he won't

No -one else don't want to publish it.

Do you want to explain to Dorian why she's a failed writer when she gets

We'll each write it tonight and look at it tomorrow.

I can't write.

Oh, of course you can.

Anyone can.

It's just a matter of discipline, of applying yourself.

Don't be so defeatist.

Nah. What?

It's rubbish.

What are you talking about?

It's a load of unbelievable, boring, badly spelt, barra boy English.

He's an half -take after you in some ways, Trace.

I worked hard on that. I was up most of last night.

I was even crying over the bit with the little boy on the gerbil.

I put everything I've got into that, you cheeky little toe rag. I dare you speak

to your mother like that. Look, Mum, as a wife and a mother, you're the best

there is. No contest.

You have far more than your fair share of talents and attributes.

That much is beyond dispute.

Jane Austen, you're not.

Now, look.

You didn't half -put that well, eh, Trace?

What about me and her talk it through, write it out in rough, and then you can

translate it into English?

Yeah, OK.

Now, look... Shut up, Trace.

It's cobblers what you wrote.

We can do better than that.

And then Frederick Forsyth here can write it out proper.

It'll be a doddle.

Well, where's your writing, then? What you were supposed to have done last

night.

Yes, well...

Not all of us are cut out to be writers, eh?

Some of us have got other talents.

It's the plot that's the problem.

And the characters.

And the English.

Once we get the plot, the characters and the writing sorted out, you'll be a

piece of piss.

Mate, all this thing's got to be about is getting a load of money illegally.

The trick is to write about what you know.

Yeah. But we don't know nothing about getting a load of money illegally, do

But we know a man who does.

Bloody hell.

Oh, dear me.

God, Struve.

God, beat me, Struve.

What do you want to do that to a bird for?

Don't you ever do that?

No!

Oh.

What? You mean... What?

You've done that?

Oh, yeah.

They like that.

No! Yeah.

Are you sure?

Of course I am.

Of course. It's true.

How'd they manage to get this past the schools?

Well, it's compassionate.

No, it ain't. It's dead filthy.

It's your wife's book, isn't it? You got that letter from her publisher. You're

allowed to read it before it's published. Listen, this ain't Sharon's.

just shut up?

We've got to write a bank robbing thing to fit in here.

Let's just get on with it, shall we? Yeah, but I don't know nothing about

writing. No, and you don't know nothing about bank robbing either. That's why

we're both in here.

Did you do the writing for me?

Yeah.

It's the...

It's not Harold Robbins, mind.

No.

But I sort of wrote what it was like, you know, doing the bank job, the

and everything.

I had to show it to the screw to get it past so I could give it to you.

Oh, yeah?

He thought it wasn't that bad, actually.

No?

Couldn't get this publishing geezer to come and visit me, could you?

It's wonderful.

Simply perfect. Just so real.

I don't know where you get all this experience from.

It's as if several people wrote this chapter.

Oh, it was nothing, really. I just dashed it off.

So it will be published, then? Oh, definitely, yes.

Oh, these are for your husband. I thought he liked some good reading where

is.

I don't suppose you did such a bad job, really, considering.

Excuse me, Miss Eternally Grateful 1992.

Yeah? We worked our nuts off to save your bleeding book.

So I don't want no condescending attitude from you, Dorian Green.

I'm looking for a serious amount of gratitude, thank you very much.

We're the ones who got your book published.

No, we didn't.

The publishers have gone out of business.

What?

They've arrested Ruffhead.

Arrested him?

Under the Obscene Publications Act.

After all the work we put in.

Well, it's not all bad.

Eh? At least Daryl gets to meet the publisher.