Original subtitles

What will I do?

He's still here. He'll have a queue outside that cafe by the time we get

Oh. It puts an edge on their appetite.

They always order more when I'm late.

What's that?

Dear Daryl? Yep.

I nearly wrote to Chris last week.

Terrific. Does he know?

No, I should write and tell him.

When I think of the price of a first -class stamp, I think, is he worth it?

Well, I've got to send this.

It's Garfield's press cane. Daryl will be really chuffed. His son's got into

Guinness Book of Records.

And he raised over £2 ,000.

Who'd have thought he could toss that many pancakes in one day?

Well, not me for a start.

I wouldn't have sponsored him for 20p a toss.

He's nearly picked me.

So you're not coming out?

Of course I am. I can't send the old page.

It'll take forever to get through the prison system.

But Dad's not going to be impressed with that. He'll think it's soppy and

wimpish. Go on, send him the whole page. Give him a laugh. But your mum knows

what she's doing.

It'll get held up while they're censoring it all.

Censor the Hemel Hempstead advertiser.

That's like censoring the watchtower.

Hello, Doc.

Oh.

I see Garth's here.

Yeah. He lives there.

Yes.

Yes, of course.

It's just that, um... Well, I've got to go into town for the results of some

tests.

What kind of tests?

I think Dorian wants to talk, love.

Oh, it's all right. I was useless at biology.

I won't understand a word.

Oh, all right. It's going to get grim.

That's the trouble with living with a load of women. You have to leave the

twice a day while they talk about internals.

I feel sorry for those Arab guys with a dozen wives. They must end up standing

outside the tent all night.

Now, what's this test for?

Um... A pregnancy test.

A pregnancy test at your age?

What do you mean, at my age? Britt Eklund was 46 when she conceived.

You're hardly Britt Eklund, doll.

Come to think of it, you're hardly 46.

How dare you?

You can't be pregnant.

No -one's ever got you pregnant before.

And God knows half the world's tried.

Morning sickness.

Swollen ankles.

Stretch marks.

Nothing wrong with stretch marks.

I couldn't live in a house stinking of nappies.

Babies puking up all over my beige carpet.

I suppose you thought you had a guardian angel with a packet of thirsty.

We'll have to wait and see. Maybe it's not true.

Of course it's true. It's been six weeks now and nothing.

Well, haven't you done one of those quick DIY jobs?

You know, a home testing kit. Oh, do you mind? I'm not going to try and fill one

of those stupid little bottles.

It's too much.

You have to be an acrobat, a gynaecologist and an expert shot.

No, Dore. You do it in a bucket.

I don't want to hear. My urine is none of my business, nor Thames Water deal

with it.

Well, we'll have to see what the doctor says. Anyway, late babies are very

fashionable. Oh, you mean like strapless bras and sequined tops.

Thank you, I'd rather go shopping.

Well, what about the father?

What do you mean?

Well, who is he?

Stick a pin in the phone book.

You must know, it's Marcus.

Well, it must be. I haven't cheated on him recently.

Why not?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe you're getting a perverted kick out of being faithful.

There's a word for that.

Monogamy, that's it. That's it?

You dirty monogamy.

The word you are looking for is boring. It happens to women. First they get

boring, then they get pregnant.

Then they wobble round the shops like Michelin women trying to draw attention

themselves.

And now it's happening to me.

Look, I don't suppose one of you fancies a trip into town?

Sorry, Dore. I've got a cast to attend to.

You don't seem to be taking this seriously.

We're talking pregnancy here.

Tracy? I can't, Dore. I've got a plumber coming.

Besides, I've got something in the oven.

Bloody half!

Sorry, I'm pregnant.

The woman's old enough to be pushing a dimmer frame, never mind a frame.

She'll be able to collect her family allowance and her pension at the same

Anyway, it's probably a false alarm.

Oh, all this talking of babies is making me broody.

You only have to see a sign that says free range eggs and you get broody.

Right, that's me off. There shall be a nice hungry queue by now.

Lovely. I'm going to spend half an hour on me letter to Daryl, all on me own.

And, of course, then there's your ovaries, isn't there?

And once the old fallopian tubes pack up... Oh, not still at it.

That should give you another half hour of peace and quiet.

Oi, where's your gun?

It looks halfy in the papers. See?

I'll put it up for you.

Cheers.

Well, Courtney, kiss the toke. No.

I'm celebrating.

Four years we've done.

Exactly four years today.

If we get all our emission, we're halfway there.

Halfway.

OK, so it's been hard.

So it's been lonely.

So it's been a bit scary sometimes.

Too right.

But we're halfway through it. Do you know what that means?

Yeah. We've got it all to do again.

Yeah, but I mean, suddenly it don't seem so bad, does it?

That's because you've got a cigar.

No. It's because there's a ray of hope. I can see a little light at the end of

the tunnel.

Come on, let's show break. I can't.

I ain't got a cigar.

Cheers, Del.

Cheers.

Are you happy now?

Lovely.

Good.

Doesn't damage your elf, must we?

Suddenly we can start to think about the future.

And have a kid, maybe.

Why? You ain't proud of the one you've got?

Of course I am. Look, most fathers be dead chuffed to see their sons in the

papers. Most of the blokes in here have had their kids in the papers.

Smudger's son just shot his missus.

Big Teller's lad did all them service stations.

And Benny's kid's off with a page for ETA. I mean, they're going to be dead

impressed when I stroll in with today's news.

My son's a champion tosser.

I mean, well, he's been doing good.

I thought you didn't want him following in your footsteps.

I don't. Well, you know, not all my footsteps.

What, just one of them?

You see him hopping in the banks with a shooter?

You think he's calm for a while?

No, honest.

All I'm saying is, if I had a son... Well, you haven't. Yeah, all right, all

right, but if I did, I'd be dead proud of him.

I mean, some people don't want kids.

Some people can't have kids. Yeah, like you.

Yeah, all right, all right.

And some people can't do without kids.

I don't have to listen to this.

If I was on a good mood for it coming here, I think I'd go back to the lifers.

At least they're cheerful.

Look, all I'm saying is... Oh, leave it out, will you? Just go and give yourself

a baby or something.

That'd be nice.

Here. Have you noticed anything?

Yeah, you've put on weight again.

No, I ain't, you cheeky cow.

No, I'm not.

Sorry. No, I ain't noticed anything.

Where's Dorian?

We ain't seen her for days. She went off for that test and we ain't heard

nothing since.

But I wouldn't worry.

She's probably got the all clear and celebrated by bunking a doctor for a

It ain't like her to stay out of the way, is it? I mean, she always tells us

everything.

You know what she's like.

Panic over and she's off on a shopping spree, make herself feel better.

She's probably still having therapy in Harrods' lingerie department.

I don't like it. I'm worried. You won't hurt to call, will you?

Besides, maybe it wasn't a false alarm.

Maybe she is pregnant.

She could be over there going through things.

The only thing Dorian goes through is Marcus's wallet.

Hello, Dor?

All right.

How did you get on with the test?

All clear?

Oh, well.

So it was what?

The menopause.

Oh, my God.

Well, look, do you want to come round and talk?

All right, then.

Bye.

She's coming round for a chat.

Sounds like she needs it. Well, I don't. Oh, come on, Shell. She's a mate. She

sounded really miserable.

Well, you would, wouldn't you? I mean, the change of life's no joke.

You get all sorts of symptoms.

I remember with Aunt Sylvie. And your sex drive goes.

Blimey. Dorian without a sex drive is like a torture without batteries.

Or Emu without Rod Hull.

Come on, Shell. Where's your aunt? I left it in the overnight safe with the

takings.

Look, I've had a lousy day at the cash, right?

The tea urns on the blink because the water ain't working, which means the

toilets won't flush.

So the last thing I want to hear about is Dorian's plumbing, all right? All

right, all right. Change of subject.

You're always the same. Whenever anyone talks about reproductive things and

babies... Yeah, and why wouldn't I?

I nearly had one once, remember?

Look, what's the point of me getting broody? I'm stuck with Chris.

And we all know about his child -producing abilities.

He's got about as much speed as a clementine.

So, children, every subject are off the timetable. And I don't want to hear what

Dorian has to say about it.

Do you want to talk about it, Dor?

I keep thinking.

Why me?

Three across.

Dried fruit.

Prune.

to all of us, Dore. It's easy for you to say. It hasn't come to you yet.

One minute I'm thinking I'm having a baby. The next minute, facing the fact

never have one.

I know you can't have one. You want one.

Typical.

I could have had children.

Everybody else did.

Well, it ain't that difficult, Dore.

Most people have them by accident.

I was always too selfish.

Never wanted to ruin my figure.

Ridiculous. Goes anyway.

I mean, what am I saving my looks for? What do I want to be?

Death -looking corpse in Raynham Cemetery.

This is not the end, Dorf. No, it's worse.

It's the middle.

Stranded in lonely middle age.

Childless and ugly.

I said ugly.

Caution, not Dorf.

Caution, not Dorf.

Thank you.

Stay awake, I need you.

God, I feel bleak.

Nothing to look forward to except dry skin and a late moustache.

And your sex drive goes.

I wondered why I'd only been sleeping with Marcus.

Last night, I put on my raunchiest little number, looked in the mirror, and

you know what I saw?

Mutton dressed as lamb.

Oh, come on, Zor.

Mutton dressed as lamb.

Yeah, but kosher, man.

Thank you, Tracy. You're just what my ego ordered.

It doesn't have to be like this, doll. There's things you can take.

Oh, I know.

Arsenic, cyanide, no end of things.

What about that HRT?

Yeah, milk's very good for it.

HRT? Hormone replacement therapy, you idiot.

They're all taking it. All the stars, doll.

Even Margaret Thatcher's taking it. That's what's kept her so young and

I'm sure it works on some people.

HRT's like the pill. It doesn't suit everyone. It's not magic.

Can't turn back the clock.

How does someone as gorgeous as me learn how to grow old gracefully?

You'd think they'd do courses down the poly, wouldn't you?

Come on, you're still pullable.

Yeah. You're still every toy boy's dream come true.

Not anymore.

Dirty old men are bad enough, but dirty old women... No.

Toy boys? Ha!

Vanity. It's all vanity.

Take my advice, Sharon.

Don't ever be vain.

Ever.

But then why would you be? You've no reason to be.

Tracy.

You're pretty, but don't ever be vain.

Just savour it, Tracy.

It's a fleeting bloom.

You'll turn round one day and find all your petals dropping off.

And Sharon, Sharon.

But leave me at it. You may hate your body now, but give it another 15 years

you won't have a mirror in the house.

Because it goes.

It all goes.

Enjoy it while you can.

Do it while you can.

I did.

We know.

Was I so wrong?

It's passion, a crime.

It's the currency of life.

Spend it while you can. You'll be living on an overdraft soon enough.

No, I'm glad I had Gary and Tony and Carl and what's his name?

Luke. Oh, yes, Luke.

And Harvey and Eric. And that's Dennis from the AA.

And that's Elizabeth in the I Street. And the tennis coach.

And Giovanni from the salon.

And Vince with the big Harvey Davidson.

And all those wonderful backroom boys.

And frontroom boys.

Yes.

God bless you all.

For I love you in my way.

Briefly but totally.

Bodily. And even more bodily.

And I'm glad.

Because at least I've got a past.

Least I've been there.

Where am I going now?

On day trips to Waltham Abbey.

With a coachload of hysterectomies.

Can I have a drink, Noah?

Sure.

Numbs the parts nobody else will be reaching.

Strange, isn't it?

Last week life was full of bright colour and pretty things.

Designer dresses and tasteful antiques.

And it's all so empty now.

I didn't know you'd been burgled as well.

We've all been burgled, Sharon.

Life burgles us all.

Thank God for that. Oh, she'd never pass out.

The one that invited her around?

Yeah, but you got the brandy out.

But what did you ask her around for?

So we could watch her going through the change of life on our sofa?

You've got to feel sorry for her. This is going to be a bit of a trauma for

Dorian, this is.

I mean, she's a woman that's always got by on her looks and her, you know...

Willingness to drop them.

Yeah. I think it's going to be a different Dorian living next door.

It's going to be weird.

No scandal, no raunchy chats, no toy boys.

I'm going to miss all that.

We'll have to start getting the Sunday papers again.

I mean, will we still be friends in the same way?

So, all right. She's a bit of a tart.

She's a snob and a gossip.

And she's an interfering busybody sometimes.

But nobody's perfect.

But she's been a good friend to us since we've been here.

Well, she has. She's been a big help.

Well, she was a big help that time when... When?

I'm trying to think.

She's always been there, hasn't she?

She's going to be sad to watch her go dumpy and boring.

Chigwell's about to lose a tart and gain a pudding.

What a pathetic, small -minded, miserable creep.

Chris written you an all, has he?

They all really make me sick sometimes.

I sent him the cut in a coffee, and what do you think he said?

Don't know. No, neither do I.

Not a dicky bird about it.

Honestly, Shell, you'd think he'd be really proud of Garfield.

Well, I suppose it'd be different if Garfield had been thieving for charity.

Well, I can't show this to him.

What's Chris got to say on his?

Oh, the usual.

Been to the edge of despair, considered suicide.

Then he had a thought that changed his life.

Yeah?

Well, what was the thought?

Well, does it matter? He's had one. That's the important thing.

This is a milestone in human evolution.

See, he'd lost sight of his future, got down about not being able to have kids,

and then it came to him.

When he comes out, we can adopt some.

You what?

He reckons it'll bring us closer together.

A new start for the kids and a new start for us.

And what do you reckon? Well, I reckon if he weren't locked up, he should be.

As it is, I reckon the nutter should be sectioned. Oh, come on, shall.

He means well.

Means well.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure every adoption agency in the country would jump at the chance

of having us two as parents.

Him doing a stretch for armed robbery and me with a drunken disorderly on me

card. Yeah, Mr and Mrs Perfect, I'd say.

Pull yourself together, Trace. The RSPCA will take a dog off him.

But you've got to feel sorry for him, Shell. I mean, he can't have kids.

Yes, but that's God's way of saving the human race.

Hiya. Saw the post.

What did Dan have to say?

About what?

About the cutting you sent him.

You did send it to him?

Yeah, yeah.

He thought it was great.

Yeah, he thought you was brilliant.

Yeah? Let me see it then.

No, he didn't. He thought it was stupid.

He thought it was a big wimp or something. He didn't say that.

Well, if he didn't say it, he thought it.

That's your fault. I told you to send the whole page.

You did it all wrong.

Kids. Yeah.

Beats me why everyone wants them.

Adopt? You and Sharon?

You're kidding.

The RSPCA would even take a dog off you.

What's that got to do with anything?

I wasn't talking about dogs. I don't want a dog. I've had a dog before.

Yeah, and what happened to it? Well, the RSPCA took it off me.

Look, I'm talking about kids now. You know, kids.

Look, me and Sharon could be really good parents.

The only trouble is, in this country, they're really fussy about who they give

the kids to.

Yeah. But it's a big world now.

And it's full of orphans.

You can get Romanian ones.

Yeah. And Bulgarians. Anything.

It's a buyer's market.

I don't know why I listen to you.

I could be sitting here enjoying a really good headache.

But it's true. It happens all the time. I mean, look at that Lenny Henry and his

missus. They even chose the colour.

I've been talking to that bloke on Ewing. You know, he knows about kids. He

in the adoption game.

Not Watson.

He's a scum of the earth. No -one speaks to him. You get seen speaking to him,

you get bounced down the iron stairwell. You haven't been talking to him, have

you? Watson?

Oh, no.

No.

Only, er, when he gets out and back on the road, he could probably get me a

couple of cheese.

You know.

Probably.

Pick me up a couple of good ones, put them on his side, take it out, what do

think? I've come any closer.

I don't want what you've got.

If it's all right for you, you've got a kid.

I mean, if I don't do something like this, well, there's no future.

Might as well top myself.

Now that is the best idea you've had all morning.

Are we ready, fellow pilgrim?

Come on, Garfield, move it. The Maidstone Express is about to depart

driveway one.

I'm not looking forward to this visit one little bit.

God knows what Chris will come up with after that letter.

Oh. Hello.

What a busy thing, are we?

Nice. Look, I hope you won't be offended, but I'm bequeathing these to

You're not giving those away, are you, darling?

Not horny truckers go wild in Vegas.

I have no need of cinematic violations of that nature.

I watched one last night.

And so it is just a series of basic human tableau. It was like watching

go to the toilet.

It was disgusting.

More your sort of thing, I think.

Anyway, mustn't keep you. I'm due at the synagogue.

At this time?

I've joined the women's group.

Charity fundraising, that sort of thing.

Should keep me fairly occupied.

But, Dor, you don't have to just... Just what?

Well, have you thought about the HRC?

Look, there's a bit in here about it. Kate O'Mara raves about it. Yes, well,

I'll be starting that anyway. It'll help smooth the passage into middle age, I'm

sure. It can do more than that.

Kate O'Mara's 50 and she's still bonking her toy boy.

Oh, don't be so disgusting.

Dorian in a cardigan.

Well, that's it, isn't it?

That's the end of life as we know it in Brian Close.

She's done like everyone else in Chigwell.

She's gone like everyone everywhere.

The woman upstairs in Edmonton was like that.

You watch.

She'll be complaining about the music next.

And before long, she'll have a petition up against us.

Who was that old biddy going down the path?

Now, look here, Daryl Stump. Think about it. Where's my cigar?

You'll get it when you deserve it. You listen to me. I thought you was proud of

your son going to catering college and all that.

Well, I am.

Then why don't you say it?

Why don't you tell him? He only takes a couple of lines in a letter. That don't

hurt. Don't hurt who?

Listen, Trace, you're forgetting who I'm banged up with in here.

I was going to put something in my last letter, but now I've got a bit paranoid.

Come on, Trace.

You write the words pancake tosser.

Some screw in the mailroom reads that and it's round the nick in no time.

Son of a champion tosser, is he?

Still doing it then, is he?

That'll be the big joke on our landing for the next four years.

Albanians. All right.

Bulgarians, then.

Nothing wrong with Bulgarians. I mean, they're not born communists, are they?

Get one young enough, he'll be safe to bring it home.

I don't believe this.

It's true. We can have loads of kids.

Romanians. They're fashionable already.

I don't mean we have to have one.

They're like a dog, you know.

Why is everyone going on about dogs?

I don't want a dog. I've had a dog. I want kids, shall.

Kids. There's loads of them out there.

Listen, Chris.

Before you get carried away turning our future into a United Nations refugee

camp, will you stop and consider me?

Eh?

While you're in here trotting off into your own fantasy, I'm outside having to

cope with reality.

Look, at this minute we've got a business, and that's it.

All the rest is maybe.

We don't know what it'll be like when you get out.

And we'll be.

I know.

I know.

It's just, well, kids bring people together.

I can't have any, so let's adopt.

That's all I'm saying.

Oh, is that all?

Yeah. So just think about it.

Nice little orphan could bring us together.

Could a Bulgarian succeed where all else have failed?

Well, Garvey.

All I'm trying to say is, great.

Yeah.

Guinness Book of Records, eh?

Yeah, real proud of you.

No, really, I was dead chuffed when I saw it.

Look, it's all right, Dad. You don't have to go through this crap.

I wanted to give you a laugh, but Mum's bought the joke.

She didn't send the whole thing.

Look.

Police in Hertfordshire are still on full alert following the mass breakout

a local remand centre.

While officers and staff were watching a charity pancake tossing event, 14

inmates scaled the rear wall and escaped.

You cheeky little diversion, you.

Yeah, but you didn't mean to be, did you?

Did you? Of course I didn't. Of course he didn't, Trace.

But no one in here knows that, do they?

Great, now I've got something I can flash about.

Oi.

That's my son.

Oi. We're getting a Bulgarian one.

On the other end, if me and Chris Worth get back together again, I mean, if I

really have drawn one of life's short straws... Yeah?

Well, I was just wondering...

Look, this conversation has been going on for weeks.

True confessions?

Yeah, must be missing Dorian, his tame -buck comparison.

Well, go on, you were saying if you and Chris were to get back together... I was

just wondering, that's all.

I was just wondering if giving some poor foreign kid a home ain't such a crazy

idea after all.

I mean, maybe giving a kid like that a chance in life makes up for the fact

he ain't yours.

Maybe.

You've changed your tone.

HRT is wonderful.

Kate O'Mara's right.

Why? What's happened?

Well, Roger, for a start. Then Ken.

He's the bank manager.

Wonderful huge desk.

Roger hasn't, but he's got acres of floor space.

On a clear day, you can roll for miles.

Anyway, I've called to reclaim my videos. I need them to show Gary.

He's a motor mechanic.

Very sweet, but I think he needs a jump start.

I'll put them up here.

Oi, you. I hope you haven't been watching them. They're for adults.

You're kidding.

Horny truckers.

That was doing the rounds when I was in the third form.

Mustache. I left Gary ticking over.

Oh, and if someone called Franco rings, you've never heard of me. He must have

imagined it.

Catch you later.

You're an old tart, though.

We love you.

So have half the men in Chigwell.

What'll I do?

What will I do when I'm alone with only

dreams?