Original subtitles

What will I do when you are gone?

Yeah, Trace, do you know that some women stick their fingers down their throats

and make themselves sick after every meal?

That's bulimics.

No, it's not. It's true. It says so here.

They suffer from bulimia. It's an eating disorder.

Oh, sounds horrible.

I hope I don't get it.

I sure don't think there's much chance of that. When you eat, it's me that

like throwing up.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying your grub, Trace. It keeps Mr Kipling off

the streets, doesn't it?

Quite a fancy bit myself.

Oh, well, have a bit of cake, take your mind off it, eh?

So you're coming up Maidstone with me tomorrow?

It's been a while since you've visited, Chris.

No, I can't make it. Why not?

Well, it was a toss -up between seeing Chris or shaving me legs.

Oh, nice.

So what happened?

Me legs went by a whisker.

I thought you and Chris were getting on all right these days.

We are, but just as mates.

Where did it all go wrong, eh, Trace?

When I was young, I used to dream of being swept off my feet by a knight in

shining armour.

What did I end up with?

A Greek tea leaf with one knacker and the IQ of a dead beer mat.

It could be worse, I shall.

Yeah, they could let him out.

So no AP from fame?

I'm indoor, I'll get you a kappa.

You look like Sylvester Stallone's mum.

to see what's so funny? Hang about, I'll get you a mirror.

At least I can find leotards that fit me.

Are you saying I can't? No, of course not. I saw one the other day that would

have been perfect.

Unfortunately, Richard Branson was using it as a balloon.

Now to start, you fool.

So, why do you think I'm dressed up like this?

Go on, take a guess.

You've gone mental.

No, Sharon.

It's because I have hired my very own personal fitness trainer.

I didn't know you was into Cape Fit, doll. I'm not.

Positively low, this size.

And as I am fortunate enough to have been blessed with a naturally self -like

figure that no man could possibly resist, I have no reason to ever do any.

But what's the point of having a personal trainer, then? The point is, it

a social statement.

It tells the world something about me.

So you're a daft old prep.

I'm talking about status.

Having a personal trainer is like driving a Mercedes sports car or skiing

Aspen. How can having a trainer be like driving a car?

It's an allergy.

I've got one of those.

One of what?

An allergy.

Every time I wear nylon drawers, I get a rash all over me bum.

That's what Dorian is saying, is she's shelling out Martin's hard -earned dosh

on something she don't really want, just so she can show off to her friends.

most of whom she don't really like. And what could be more straightforward than

that? But there is an added bonus.

What's that?

My trainer, Brett.

A seething mass of testosterone crammed into a pair of figure -hugging lycra

cycling shorts.

He has the looks of a donor and a body to die for.

And like you, who has the looks of a donor and a body that died years ago.

Well, must be off. Time for my first session.

Aren't you going to introduce me?

All right, but be quick. I've left my body clock running.

Come in, Brett.

Wait till you get a load of this.

Blimey, it's a walking walnut.

Sharon Tracy, meet Brett Warner.

Nice to meet you, Mr Walnut. I mean, Walnut.

Call me Brett.

And you two ladies going to join in our little workout?

No, I don't think so, Brett. I envisage our workout as being strictly one -on

-one. I bet you do.

Right. Well, we'd better get down to it, eh, Mrs Green?

Quite. And call me Dorian.

Let's be off. No time to lose.

Not at your age, though, right?

Are you sure you're OK, Daryl? You seem a bit quiet.

I'm all right, babe.

Just been a bit down lately, that's all. You know how it is.

Yeah. Have you tried speaking to the prison doctor?

Maybe he can give you something.

That old quack.

Last time I went to see him, he told me I should get out more.

Well, I still love you. Don't let it clear you up. Of course it does.

It's you what keeps me going.

Time out.

I hate that bell, and I just thought I'd love to shove that little dinger. Yeah,

you and me both.

Come on, let's have a cuddle, then.

Oh, lovely.

Spend it to get old on. Why you?

Plenty of what?

Nothing. It's just the old love handles.

I've not got love handles.

I'm complaining, Trace. Honest, I like them.

Get off.

Are you saying I'm fat?

No, of course not.

It's all right, I love you. Whatever you like, Tracy. Oh, charming.

Why am I a yeti of something? Tracy, will you calm down?

You've spread out a bit over the years, that's all.

You're saying I've let myself go, aren't you? Go on, you might as well admit it.

I never said that. Well, the next time you see me, Daryl Stubbs, there's going

to be a lot less of me to see. Just you wait.

My God.

That Brett's killing me.

I feel like I've just cycled home from Aberdeen.

You haven't been up to noughties already, do I? Oh, it can't be a fine

This is from exercising.

Lots of painful exercising.

Brett still hasn't responded to your feminine charms, then? Hasn't even

them. All he seems to care about is pumping iron.

And not pumping... Sharon.

It's so infuriating.

Brett's the sort of guy that makes having a waterbed and mirrored ceiling

seem so worthwhile.

It doesn't seem interesting. I don't understand it.

Perhaps you're being too subtle.

I hardly think so.

When it came round today, I opened the door in my underwear.

I didn't know you had a door in your underwear.

What is it? A tradesman's entrance?

Standing in front of him, half naked.

What happened?

Nothing. Took one look at my body and said he'd come back when I'd finished

ironing.

He just doesn't know what he's missing.

A woman of my experience could show him things he'd never seen before.

That's true.

But then perhaps he ain't turned on by a liver spot and stretch mark.

Well, I'm not beaten yet.

I'll have that Brett Warner's amazing Technicolor jockstrap hanging off the

of my tour poster and I'll have to prise it off with a crowbar.

Daryl thinks I'm fat. He don't fancy me no more.

Don't worry, Sharon. She must have started this conversation without us.

just pick it up as she goes along.

What are you going on about?

I've just told you. My old man thinks I'm a polka.

He says I've put on weight.

It's no big deal. Don't worry about it. Oh, so you think I'm fat and all?

I didn't say that.

Well, I am.

Daryl's right.

I've been taking him for granted.

Well, that hardly seems likely. You only see him twice a month.

That's not the point.

He's still my husband, and I want him to fancy me just as much as he always has.

Well, there ain't much chance of that, is there, Trace?

Well, they put stuff in their tea, didn't they?

Just stuff and, you know, one cup of tea at Maidstone, Nick and Eve, and they're

all flippant. Sharon!

I'm going on a diet, and you are going to watch me make sure I stick to it.

Don't let me cheat under any circumstances.

All right, all right.

That's what you want.

Personally, I think diets are a waste of time.

How would you know?

You devour enough calories a day to feed a small African nation.

I'll have you know that I am the perfect weight for my size.

I'm just three foot too short, I thought.

It's not my fault. It's my blends.

Nonsense. It's your eating habits.

Your body needs re -educating. Well, my body has got learning difficulties.

But I'm quite happy as I am, Tara, very much.

I'd like to get me weight down to exactly what it was on me wedding day.

Is that including the church, Trace?

Well?

What did you weigh when you got married?

Exactly nine stone two.

Well, you now weigh...

Exactly. Ten stone, one pound.

What? That can't be right.

These scales ain't accurate.

And I've got my clothes on and these socks are really thick. They must weigh

fair bit.

What about all my jewellery?

I can't be over ten stone.

Can I?

All right, Devil?

Yeah.

You'll go blind reading that.

So will you if I poke it in your eye.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing. Just playing a friendly visit.

I hear you and your Tracy had a bit of a barney.

Oh, yeah?

Where'd you hear that, then? Well, I like to keep my ear to the ground.

Well, you want to be careful no one comes up and steps on it, don't you?

It's a load of fuss about nothing.

She just flew off the island for no reason. One minute she's all right, the

minute she's flying down my throat.

Well, you know what that is, don't you?

No, what?

She's probably had that GMT I've read about.

You mean PMT, you pillock.

That's the one.

I remember when Sharon used to get it.

Horrible it was.

I'd go to bed with Sharon Theodopolopoulos and wake up in the

tiller to hunt.

The doctor said it was something to do with her cycle.

Oh, what happened?

Someone hit the saddle?

You know what I mean.

Women's stuff.

Makes me act like nutters.

Well, I ain't disappointed, Dr. Ruth, but it ain't got nothing to do with

I made a remark to Tracy about her putting on a bit of weight.

She took it the wrong way.

Oh, why?

Well, got to keep them on their toes, ain't you?

Have you, Chris? Why is that, then?

You know the old saying.

Treat them mean, keep them clean.

You mean keen?

Do I?

Yeah. Treat them mean, keep them keen. Not clean.

Oh.

I always wondered what it meant.

It's never bothered me much.

What didn't?

Well, Sharon being a bit on the big side.

What are you on about? You've been chewing in mushrooms again.

No, look, that's the reason.

If you walk up with some really tasty -looking bird, then everyone's going to

fancy her. And all you end up with is a load of grief.

And that counts for double while we're in here. Do you know what I mean?

With anyone?

Look, I mean, take her in there, for example.

Oh, yeah, I wish I could.

Well, you wouldn't really want to go out with her, would you?

No.

No. Do you know why?

Well, she's only six inches high. She's got a staple right through her appendix

guard.

Apart from that, it's because all over the country, geezers like you and me are

leching all over her.

Think about it.

How do you think her old man feels?

Pretty knackered most of the time, I should imagine.

These birds are great for fantasies, Daryl, and that's all.

When it comes to a real woman, give me someone like my Sharon any day.

Even if she won't win no beauty contest.

I think your Sharon's a good -looking soul.

Yeah.

It's funny what a couple of years banged up those to your mind, isn't it?

Blimey, Shell.

Do you know one bar of walnut chocolate is 300 calories?

No, but you hum the tune and I'll join in.

And look at this. A bacon sandwich is over 450 calories.

Amazing, isn't it?

Fascinating, Trace.

Why don't you write to the papers and tell them?

I can see the headlines now.

Chigwell housewife in bacon butty sensation.

Give it a rest, will you?

Look, I have to plan my meals very carefully. I'm not allowed over 1 ,200

calories a day.

Well, it's easy then, isn't it? You starve yourself all day, then you have

bacon patties for dinner and a bar of whole -nut chocolate for afters.

You're no help, you ain't.

Look, I'm sorry, Trace, but I'm getting a bit fed up with playing count the

flipping calorie.

Everything you see, you tell me how many calories is in it. No, I don't.

Banana. 75.

Told you.

I'm sorry, Shell, but I want to lose weight.

And I'm going to.

Nothing's going to stop me. You mark my words.

How's your dinner?

How's my dinner?

How's my dinner?

I haven't lived off this mutt for two weeks now. If I see another fellow, I'm

going to change my name to Roger the Flipping Rabbit.

Oi, you!

I made that myself.

It's a bundle, Master Chef.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I was only trying to help. Well, you ain't.

I'm sick of all this dieting, like. I want some proper food.

Oh, come on, Chase. Don't give up now.

You've been doing really well.

Well, let's have a bit of yours.

Go on, just a mouthful. Get your hands off my pork balls.

Oh, go on, shout.

Just one mouthful won't hurt, will it? Yes, it will.

Little pickers wear bigger knickers.

Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.

That's me done.

I'm bloated.

What are you doing?

I'm clearing up.

Don't bother, Tray. I'll do it.

You know how greasy this Chinese can be.

We don't want any of it slipping off the plate and accidentally landing in your

gob now, do we?

I just took a cordon bleu meal for four in under two hours.

I could start now and it'd be ready before Magnum.

Roast barberry duck in tangy orange and lime sauce with croquette potatoes and

spiced onions.

Oh.

Here we are.

Got some afters.

An orange?

No, Trace, it's a big green gauge that's been on the sunbed.

What you got then?

Nothing much.

Just some double chocolate chip and pecan nut ice cream.

You're a great help.

Actually, I am.

Because if I eat it, then you can't.

I've had enough of this. I'm going to bed.

Don't waste your time looking for my leftover pork balls. Not unless you're a

really strong swimmer. Why's that?

I flush them down the car, then.

How's Tracy's diet going?

Don't ask.

She's driving me mad.

I have to watch her like an orc.

What's an orc?

in the house. All we've got is dieting products.

Do you know what I had for dinner last night?

Flipping lean cuisine.

Did you find them filling?

Yeah, after the first half dozen.

I've never had to go on a diet.

Although, I must say, I've always thought the F plan sounded rather

I bet you have.

The worst thing is it's making Tracy so grumpy.

She's walking around with her face as long as Nigel Mansell's dipstick.

I'm sure you're exaggerating, Sharon.

Hello, Tracy. How are you? I'm crap -tar very much. Thanks for asking.

I'm glad to see the elocution lessons have finally started to pay off.

I'm sorry, Dawn, but this dieting lot's really starting to get to me.

The more you do without something, the more obsessed you become with it.

Tell me about it.

Any progress with Brexit? the bicep, yeah? Well, yes.

It's all the wrong kind, I'm afraid.

How do you mean?

Well, I am fitter and healthier than I have been for years.

Oh? What's wrong with that?

What's wrong is now I'm in good condition, my sex drive has gone right

the roof and Brett still won't attend to my guttering.

Militarily speaking, of course.

Could you translate that into English, please?

I am frustrated.

I stare at the beads of perspiration running down his glistening torso.

I follow them as they trickle down his finely toned muscles.

I want him to sweep me up in those powerful arms.

I need to feel those rippling muscles pulsate against my willing flesh.

And then rip my clothes to shreds.

And then... And then... Yes?

I'm sorry, could I possibly have a glass of water? Quick!

Adore, why don't you give him an Afrodisiac?

You know, something to get him in the mood.

I have tried every trick in the book.

This morning, when he took his shower, I tried the old, whoops, I'm sorry, I

thought that was the towel rail routine.

It didn't even blink.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to concede defeat.

The sad truth is, Brett is just not into sex.

Unless, of course, he's... Yes?

Mmm.

No, he couldn't be.

Oh, yes, he could.

Well, he is very into himself.

Mmm.

It all makes perfect sense.

I see it now.

No wonder I couldn't tempt him.

So I haven't really failed after all.

Let's just call it match postponed.

You don't think we're getting a bit carried away, do you? Absolutely not.

man is obviously gay.

I thought I was losing my touch.

Silly me. I should have known that was ridiculous.

So what are you going to do?

I'll have to let him go.

You can't sack him because he's gay.

That ain't fair. Life isn't fair, Tracey.

If it was... Bruce Willis would be on a permanent leash in my en -suite

bathroom.

One of the reasons I hired Brett in the first place was because I felt a certain

spiritual bonding with him.

You wanted to buff him!

Exactly.

Now, seeing as he's gay, he's going to find that side of his duties rather

difficult.

Perversions I can deal with.

Conversions fall a little outside my jurisdiction.

No, I'm afraid I'll have to go.

Personally, I think Dorian's been a bit wimpy about the whole thing. Oh, did you

say wimpy?

I could just eat a wimpy with cheese and onions and loads of chips all smothered

in tomato ketchup.

Oh, for God's sake!

Take your mind off food, will you, Trace?

You're right.

I've got to stop thinking about food.

I've got to stop thinking about food. But what I eat, I just don't seem to put

weight on.

It's just all a matter of willpower, really.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Just think how good it'll be when your Daryl sees you.

Oh, it's a nice top, isn't it, Trace?

Can I go in and have a quick butchers, Trace?

Trace?

Little hickers wear bigger knickers.

You've spread out a bit over the years, Trace, that's all.

Can I get you something?

Just have a black coffee.

No sugar.

Look, if you can't afford to buy your own, then you're just going to have to

without.

Well, it's exactly one month today.

Let's see how much you've lost.

I can't.

Why not?

I'm too nervous.

But perhaps it's best if I don't know.

After all you've put me through.

Do you know how worried I was when you went AWOL yesterday?

I had visions of you ram -raiding McDonald's or something.

Look, I'm sorry, Shell. I really appreciate you helping me. Oh, for

sake, get on the scales before one of us dies.

There he goes.

Well?

I don't believe it. What?

You've put on three pounds. What?

Since your wedding day.

visit him, his tongue will be hanging out. Yes.

Hello, Daryl.

Blimey.

Told you I could lose weight, didn't I?

I didn't want you to lose any weight.

You said I was fat. I did not. You did.

In any way, it doesn't matter.

I'm really glad I did it.

I do look all right, don't I?

Yeah, great.

What's up, Daryl?

I'll tell you what's up, Tracy.

For one thing, I'm stuck in here and you'll be outside looking like that with

loads of other blokes ogling you.

I don't want no other blokes ogling me. That's not the point.

Then what is?

Don't you understand?

Do you know what blokes in here are scared of more than anything else in the

world? Dropping their shampoo in the showers?

No, Tracy.

Change. Any sort of change.

You get scared about your kid growing up and forgetting all about you.

Or your wife, learning to manage on your own.

I mean, look how much better you're coping now than you used to.

And now you've done all that weight, you're changing, Tracey. You're becoming

different person.

And I just want everything to stay the same.

Because I'm scared of what might happen if it don't.

Oh, Daryl, you are, love. I love you.

Look, I know I'm a bit more together than I used to be, but I couldn't

go on like I was, could I?

Well, you could be a right lemon.

I had to adapt to get by.

You're not the only one with a sentence to serve, you know.

Yeah, I know.

And now I've lost a few pounds and I feel good about it.

But I'm still Tracy Stubbs, your wife.

I might be changing, but my feelings for you never will.

I love you, Daryl.

I love you, Tracy.

Oh, and Tracy, you look fantastic.

I can't stand it.

Oh, great. Hello, mate.

Hi, Sharon.

You all right?

Well, no, not really.

Mrs Green's given me the bullet.

She left me this note.

I just can't understand it. She was getting on so well.

I was wondering if she'd said anything to you about it.

She did as it happened.

Look, why don't you sit down? I'll make you a cup of tea, eh?

Shower, Mum!

Dorian, have you got my accolade? I've just walked in. I know.

I was testing the pliability of my new drapes when you happened by.

What a coincidence.

Quite.

Anyway, how did it go with Daryl? Oh, it went really well. He thought I looked

really lovely. Spare me the details. I was only being polite.

Actually, it was Sharon I was after.

What for?

Well, I left a note telling Brett he was dismissed.

And his car's been outside your house all afternoon. There's no sign of him or

Sharon. Well, her key's in a bag. She must be in.

Clow!

Sharon!

Trace, there you are.

Here I am.

There he is.

Hello, Tracey.

Hello, Mrs Green.

What's been going on?

I'll just go and put the kettle on.

Actually, Mrs Green, I have to thank you.

If you hadn't sacked me, then Sharon and I might never have got together.

You mean you're straight?

You're not?

You never were?

No.

Well, then I don't understand. Why didn't you with me?

Well, no offence, Mrs Green, but you were my employer and...

Well, let's face it, you are old enough to be my mother.

Anyway, I see enough skinny bodies when I'm working.

I prefer my women to have a bit more meat on them.

A bit?

I've seen barbecues with less meat on them than her.

You couldn't possibly prefer her to me.

Right.

You're rehired. Double wages. No, name your own price.

Brett's going to be fully booked for the next couple of weeks.

Come on, Brett, I'm just in the mood for another workout.

Ciao.

She fell for it!

What a wind -up, eh?

Why do you mainly prefer your women with more...