Original subtitles

What will I do?

any more room.

I have got to find space for this one.

It's a cheese and bacon flan. Another three days and I'll be fretting for

Look, who is this special ass guest?

The Chief Rabbi or something.

Yes, something, something very big in property.

He's only using Marcus because he thinks we're frum, you know, orthodox.

Well, God knows where he got that idea, but Marcus needs the business.

Oh, I see.

So we're keeping it all kosher on the home front, then sneaking over here

ten minutes for a quick bacon sarnie and a wedge of cake.

Well, we ain't chucking stuff out to make room for yours. Well, you won't

to, Tracy, not if you eat it all quickly.

Oh, great.

So tonight we're having melon and fish pie, followed by a half -eaten biryani

and gooseberries.

And if we're still peckish, there's... Oh, lovely. More gooseberries.

Thanks, or you can forget it. Oh, come on, Tracy. It's a favour for a friend.

I'd eat food for you.

That's it.

I'm filling up. Closing it down. I've had enough.

Oh, you'll feel better after a cuppa. No, I won't. I've just had six. I feel

worse. Well, you would. You made them.

Another bad day at the Greece Emporium.

Some days, come four o 'clock, I could grab some of them by the throat, drag

them into the road and stuff them down the nearest sewer where they belong.

It's a NASCAS in Green Lane, for God's sake. What do you expect?

Range Rovers full of sloans dropping in on their way home from Ascot?

It's the old Greek crones that get to me.

They invest 20p in a cup of tea and then sit there all day glaring at me punters

and talking about me in Greek.

Oh, we think they do. But as we don't understand Greek, it could be paranoia.

I was around Chris's family, remember?

I know when I've been slagged off in Greek.

Oh, well, as long as they're only confirming what you know already.

Anyway, mustache, I'll leave the shellfish till last, so clear as bay.

Shellfish? I've got two dozen oysters in the freezer. Not throwing those out, I

might get lucky.

You know, as long as everything I serve comes with a fried slice, I'm just going

to get the dregs coming in.

If it ain't the Greek witches, it's the oil rags from down the arches.

But the Greek mechanics have always come in, Shale. They're good business.

I've seen some of them put away free breakfast and still walk out eating a

of crisps. Yes, but while they're in there, it's going to be Greek karaoke

belching competition.

It's a bit snobby.

Trace, a tramp could feel snobby in there.

The thing is, whatever the business takes, that's it.

We've peaked. It ain't never going to expand, is it? I mean, who else is going

to come in there to eat?

It's still a successful business, Cheryl.

Look, this is what I inherited from old Costa.

Does this look like the nerve centre of a successful business?

Prizes from before we went decimal.

Supplies that still use horse and carts.

Everything you need to run a poxy -calf.

So?

So, I don't want to run a poxy -calf.

Filled with poxy navvies with bum cleavage. All right, all right.

I just don't know why you want to change something that works.

Because everything's Greek.

Me butcher's Greek, me crockery people, even me plumber's Greek.

Yeah, but Tony's good.

He even came out at midnight last time he was in Stuck. Yes, and look at the

mess he made.

All Greek blokes are the same, Trace.

No, I can do better.

I've got to shop around, get some new suppliers.

Start serving something. It'll keep the tat away.

Decent food might help.

Yep. It's time to cut off the old Greek connection.

You can't do that, Shell.

Why not?

It's my cat.

You can't do that. It's not your cat.

Look, while you're in here, it's my cat.

I work in it, so I'll run it my way.

Hey, hey, listen.

My uncle Costa's sweated for years in that cat. I know.

Still whipped in the summer.

Look.

He built that place up from nothing. His pre -mates helped him and then he

helped them. That's how it is.

I mean, it was cost us his whole life. That's why it's a Greek cat.

It has ties in the community.

Obligations. We can't go back on them.

We can't, but I can.

You can't. Look, you're a theodobulopolis, right?

That's a family business.

A Greek family business. And everyone expects it to behave like one.

Look, they see you as a typical Greek wife.

a typical Greek wife, am I?

I don't wear a shawl and I ain't got a moustache.

They've all been good to you. Look, Tony, Marios, Yorgos, they've all helped

out in the past.

And I always said thank you.

Look, have your brains turned to fetter or something?

Do you want a business to come out to? Of course I do. Well, unless I do

something quick, the whole business is going to disappear under a layer of fag

ends and sump oil.

It's all right, Chris.

I know what I'm doing.

Robbie.

You're not proposing to eat all those, are you?

I mean, you will give us all 24 -hour notice before you do.

Magamere has just closed her premises.

Closed? The grease pit?

On the request of some public official, one assumes.

No, she's having an extensive rethink.

Oh, hang about, Dawn. We shall be videoing this.

Ceremonial dumping of the shoebox.

Goodbye, Tony.

Goodbye, Andros.

Goodbye, Spiros, you old Greek grumpus.

It's the end of an era.

And the start of what?

Sharon, you've just closed up your business and you haven't got a clue what

you're doing next. I just need to go a bit more upmarket, that's all.

You can't afford it, shall.

You ain't got that much stashed. I know, I know.

Look, we ain't talking string fellows here.

I just want something classy but cheap.

A bit like you do.

Well, if you're talking glitz on a shoestring, you're talking Jewish. What

a bagel bar?

A what?

A bagel bar.

Smoked salmon cream cheese.

Salted beef on rye.

Spot of deli stuff on the side, easy to deal, eat in or take away. They're very

big with the office crowd.

They're opening all over the place.

Marcus does the books for a guy who owns three or four, making an absolute

fortune. Look, if she can't handle being Greek, she ain't going to do any better

at being Jewish.

Hang about, hang about.

Bagels.

That's just making a load of sarnies with holes in the middle.

All delivered. No cooking.

No cooking.

No more greasy steam.

No more walking about smelling like a chip pan.

Yeah. And the old Greek biddies won't go kosher, will they?

Then I remembered all the stories my old auntie Lenny used to tell me. About how

she first met Costas as a young man.

Coming down the mountainside at sunset.

Down through the wild oregano.

Staff in his hand.

A dead sheep over his shoulder.

Love at first sight, she said.

Thought he was really sexy.

What, with a dead sheep over the shoulder?

Well, he was a shepherd.

Anyway, my auntie really liked it. Thought he was macho, rugged, you know,

Greek sort of way.

Well, yeah.

You see him all down Tacky's Wine Bar.

All the young dudes out on the pool, shirt open, gold medallion, dead sheep

the shoulder.

That's not funny.

You don't understand, do you?

Different cultures, see?

Sharon's the same.

She doesn't understand what being Greek means.

She won't. She ain't Greek.

No, but she married into my family. She could have made the effort.

What, like having bouzouki lessons or something?

No.

It's just, well, the cast don't mean to think that Sharon is. It does to me.

See, that cast was my only real link with the Greek community.

Cobblers. You owe money all over Kentish Town.

No, but that's not a blood tie, is it?

No. You're waiting to get out, mate.

Look, that place was from Costas to me. Right, passed on in the family, in the

Greek tradition.

Yes, yes.

Well, it's our tradition. We're ethnic, we are.

Ethnic? I am. I've always been ethnic. You went ethnic when the council

With a Labour council, being ethnic's an earner.

No, you're wrong. But I like being Greek.

Makes you feel like you belong.

Makes you feel strong.

Makes you feel you know who you are. Do you know what I mean?

No.

Well, we're Greek, right? We're different.

I think we established that with a dead sheep.

I mean, all them old stories keep on coming back. Our ma and Lenny used to

over... Oh, turn it up, for God's sake.

Yeah, but I don't want to lose me roots.

You don't turn it up. You'll get such a bang in the mouth, all you'll have left

is your roots.

That's all me scaring pegs got.

I won't be scaring greasy pens no more.

Gave them all to charity.

You what?

I'll put them on a stiff in harangue.

That's your idea of charity, is it?

Yeah. Then I'll be on somebody's cooker by this afternoon.

Are you sure it's a good idea, Cheryl? I mean, look how much you've laid out on

the smoked salmon. Over £200.

Then there's the salt beef.

This is all expensive stuff.

That's what upmarket means, Trace.

Expensive. You price out the tax.

But are you sure it's a good idea?

Tracey. What can you be sure of in life, eh? Are you sure tomorrow's Thursday?

Tomorrow's Wednesday.

Yes, well, there you go.

There's no written guarantees of anything, is there? Look, I've ordered

bagels, the fish balls, the roll mops and the gefilte fish.

It's all organised.

So, good idea or not, it's happening. All right, all right, all right.

It's just that from Greek to Jewish is a bit of a leap, that's all. Well, quite

honestly, as I ain't either, it don't bother me.

Chris won't be very happy. No, he won't. Tough.

Look, he won't be happy to come out and find his business in bits either.

He's had his say.

Now he can build up.

But we wouldn't be here making a living if it wasn't for Chris's family and what

the Greek contacts have put into it.

Son, not my debt, is it?

Keith.

I need cake.

I need a highly leveled, multi -layered, cream -filled fix.

Mmm.

You'll never believe this.

The orthodox blimp is staying another two days.

He loves my lox and pudding.

Apparently it's like his mother made it.

I should have made it like my mother did. He'd have gone by now.

Do I detect a chill?

It's so.

Trying to undermine me. Trying to stop me selling bagels.

Ignore her.

Selling bagels brings you closer to God. Everyone knows that.

All I'm saying is don't burn your bridges, that's all. Like the Greek

No meat for an hour would have done. There was no need to tell him where's

sticky salami, then offer to go round and help him.

I mean, what are the Greeks going to think?

What are the Greeks going to think?

I don't give a monkey's what the Greeks think.

Or the Israelis.

Or the bloody Russians.

Look, it's my life and I run it how I like.

And it don't matter what Chris thinks either. He's banged up.

And for all the good you are, you might as well be banged up at all. Yes, you

could be more supportive, Tracy.

Yeah, but a bagel parlour... Turning kosher never hurt anyone.

Except me.

Then I'm sensitive. You should be all right.

It's not change that frightens Tracy.

Well, of course it does.

The cafe's important to me and all, you know.

I just don't want Sharon to cock up, that's all.

But it's business, Trace.

You've got to take chances in business. It's all right, Tracey.

We understand.

I have complete confidence in this brilliant idea.

Whoever thought of it?

Well, I told all my friends a new bagel bar in Green Lanes, I said.

Because I had to explain where that was.

Draw a map for some.

Well, when you mention places like Finsbury Park and Haringey, their eyes

to glaze over.

But I'm sure they'll pop in if they're passing.

Right.

It's all right.

It's quite safe.

There's nobody hiding under the tables.

Oh, quite a few bagels gone then.

They fell on the floor.

Potato salad's very popular.

I quite like it.

It's nearly all gone.

It's very Moorish.

Sweetcorn's not gone very well, though.

No, I'm not keen on that.

It's just you eating it.

Yeah, well, who else?

Sharon and her invisible customers.

They don't eat, they don't drink, they don't spend money.

Well, at least they don't break the furniture.

Mind you, that just about describes the affluent of Wood Green.

What does?

Invisible.

Who are they?

Where are they? And where do they buy their bagels?

Probably just need a bit of advertising.

Like peak -time television.

Now, I'm defying mathematics here.

The local census said that 27 ,000 people use this road every day.

You'd have thought that through either accident or curiosity or straightforward

drunkenness that at least one of them would have wandered through that door.

What, nobody at all?

In three days?

There's a jag park down the road that's been entered more times than this place.

Make us a cuppa, then.

I can't.

The gas is on the blink.

So you can't even make tea or coffee?

Right.

Luckily, no -one's asked for that either.

Well, have you phoned a plumber? Yes, three.

None of them can get here before Monday.

I ended up phoning Tony.

Greek Tony?

Yeah. He said he'll get round this afternoon.

In the meantime, I've got to turn off the gas or the cafe could violently

transfer itself to somewhere around Walthamstow.

Right, I'll have a diet orange then.

OK. Great.

I'll come here again.

How long do you reckon all that smoked salmon will last?

All our lives at this rate.

Fancy another bagel?

Couldn't.

Great, isn't it?

Can't even give them away to your family.

Oh, Tony.

Brilliant.

Bagels?

Hey, what's with the bagels? Why not? Makes the change, doesn't it? Look, I've

turned the gas tap off. Yeah, hang about, Sharon, hang about.

She's been hanging about all day.

Why bagels?

Why Jewish food?

This is a Greek calf.

Costas' place.

It's Greek.

Yes, but Costas is dead, Tony.

It's my calf now. No, no, no, no, no. Costas passed it on down through the

family. It came to Chris.

It's his calf now. Do I have to remind you, Tony, that Chris is in no position

to feed the hungry of Wood Green? He can't even get a square meal himself.

All right.

But while the husband's away, the wife is responsible.

Yes, well, the wife is trying to be. Oh, yeah? Then what's all this about old

Constantin here, eh? Why are you giving him filth down the phone?

I mean, just because you don't want to buy your meat from him, it don't mean

you've got to tell him where to store everyone else's.

He don't deserve that, Sharon. He's an old friend of Goster's.

But she always has trouble ending relationships.

She can never stay friends after.

Sharon, you are a theodopolopolis.

You are the wife.

So you keep pointing out. Steady on, shall.

You're supposed to be looking after your husband's business. You're responsible.

So what changed it to this?

To keep certain people out.

Well, it's worked, hasn't it?

Great, great idea, Sharon. I can see Chrissie's business is in really good

hands. Look, look, I don't need all this, Tony. You're going to mend my gas

not?

No. Eh, why not?

You've always mended it before.

Ah, but you was a Greek calf before.

Look, Tony, I need it.

No gas, no water, no business.

But you've got a business, a nice Jewish business.

So get a Jewish plumber.

Jewish plumber? You'd have trouble finding one of them outside Golders

You'll have trouble finding one of them outside Tel Aviv.

Well, let's face it, shall we? No. All right.

I just think it's best to admit it. No, it ain't.

Yes, it is, shall we?

Because if you don't admit that you had a lousy idea... I didn't have a lousy

idea.

Dorian had a lousy idea.

I just didn't know it was a lousy idea.

You know me, I married Chris.

I wouldn't know a lousy idea if it hit me in the face.

Well, it's still best to admit it, shall.

I mean, bagel bars are OK where there's loads of Jewish people or lots of trendy

flats or passing trade.

A smoked salmon bagel sounds lovely if you've got plenty of money to spare. But

if you ain't, £1 .75's a lot of money to waste on raw fish and a bun.

I know.

I used to get a whole breakfast for that.

I've overdone it again, haven't I?

I've priced myself out the market.

That's the trouble with being upwardly mobile.

There's no warning signs to say, stop, do not exceed your credit limit, or

caution, no business beyond this point.

I think we've come to the sign that says, dump your bagels and run.

It ain't going to work, Shell.

Wood green carnifold you.

We've got to get it back to where it was.

It ain't going to be that easy, Trace.

I saw old Constantine do this morning.

He blanked me. Looked the other way.

Probably worried you had more suggestions on meat storage.

Anyway, there's lots of other butchers.

It ain't just that.

The dry cleaners across the roads run by Greeks.

I went over there this morning. They shut up shop sharpish.

I tried to ring Tony about the gas and his missus put the phone down on me.

Let's face it, Trace. The Greeks have got the ump.

They're sending me to Coventry.

They won't send people there at all.

I thought they had some little place that's like Athens.

All right, Sal.

We've got to get it back to where it was.

He's gone.

I am back to my unorthodox self.

God, it's been hell using two sinks.

Look, I haven't washed up since Passover 1989.

One forgets a dishwasher isn't kosher.

cheer up, you two. You can have your fridge back.

I'll even leave you the last lemon meringue.

Well, some of it.

God, I feel peckish.

Oh, well, here.

Walk this way.

It's all kosher. Get your god -brown neck.

I'm thinking of renaming the place again.

What about the Marie Celeste Cafe Bar Grill?

What? Nobody?

Nobody came in at all?

Not even for a friendly cup of tea?

Not even for a friendly... Sharon!

It'll be better once the gas is fixed and we can make a decent cup of tea.

Yes. That's if I can find a plumber that hasn't got a Greek relative.

And your cafe is totally empty.

Eerie.

Yes.

Thanks to someone not a million miles away from here.

The Greeks have put a curse on me for going Jewish.

And it's all your fault, or... Don't blame me for your own inadequacies,

I gave you a brilliant idea.

It's not my fault you've got no flair for business.

Oh, don't start, you two.

Well, one thing's for certain. You're going to have to make it up with a Greek

somewhere or other.

But how...

Well, I do have an idea if anyone's interested. Oh, my God, not another one.

Listen.

Now, if this was happening in the Jewish community, you would enlist help from

the synagogue.

Our local rabbi would never allow a rift like this to develop.

Now, I bet the Greek Orthodox Church takes the same line.

They're bound to.

They've got a community to protect.

Yes. But I'm not part of that now, am I, thanks to you?

Well, you were till the bagels went to your head.

You were.

Everyone considers you a Theodophilopoda.

You packed him in, remember?

So, make an appointment.

Who with?

The Greek ambassador?

With your local Greek Orthodox priest.

Go and play the repentant Greek wife.

And play it for the ilk for gold's sake, or we'll all be completely skint.

Grovel, you mean?

Yes, I thought that's what you meant.

Come in, Mrs Theodopoulopoulos.

Look, I'm sorry to trouble you.

I know you must be very busy.

And you don't know me from Adam.

Or Andreas.

But I'm a poor Greek widow.

Well, nearly a widow.

Well, nearly Greece.

But I've come to see you because I didn't know which way to turn.

That's why they all come.

Eh?

Carry on.

Do your bit.

Yes, well, like I said, I'm desperate.

But I've come to repent.

I really have.

I've been stupid.

But I was confused, see?

A woman on her own without a strong...

Greek husband?

Oh, you don't understand, do you?

You don't marry.

Oh.

Wrong religion.

I'm not making a very good job of this, am I?

But you see, I strayed.

I fell in with a bad lot and I went Jewish.

I thought bagels were the answer, but they weren't. Do you know what I mean?

But it's gone horrible.

My business has gone to pot. No -one's speaking to me.

So that's why I'm repenting. I didn't mean to stray.

It's just that I'm... I'm a... A silly cow with a vicious mouth on her.

You what?

Your husband's words, not mine.

He wrote to me.

I mean,

it's not true.

No?

That's not what old Constantino the butcher tells me.

It's not true what you said, is it?

That's a terrible waste of salami.

Oh, by the way, it's not true I wouldn't know you from Adam. I married you and

Chris.

Oh, yeah.

You're a bit blurred in the photos. Sorry. Long time no see.

Yes, well, I'm not very big on religion.

Half hour of heresy, come on a Sunday night and that's me done.

It's not the religion, Sharon.

Your husband is worried about you cutting the family ties.

He feels you can be better looked after within the community.

Besides, they are his ties you are cutting off.

Well, there's been times where I'd have cut off more than his Greek ties,

believe me.

That is probably right.

Greek husbands are always right.

Yeah. Even when they're banged up for being dead wrong.

But it's the business.

It's shot to pieces.

The word's there, isn't it?

Look, is... Is there anything you can do?

Well... Please.

It's all right, Sharon.

You don't have to beg. No?

I was beginning to wonder.

Sharon, it will be all right. If, if you keep your business Greek.

For Chris.

Well, Greekish.

It'll be totally bagel -free, honest.

So, you want a Greek business like before?

Well, not quite like before. I could do without the oil stains and the belching

competition. It has become a competitive thing.

I think they even gamble on it.

Leave it to me. I'm good with animals, too.

But, Captain, what you need is good contacts, good suppliers,

the best and the cheapest in North London. But first, the thing you need

when you are starting up a Greek business is one of these.

Sorry it took so long, love. I'm still getting used to the electric kettle.

Hiya.

There you go, Cheryl.

All done. Gas, back on.

Listen, I've left the back door open, but give it an hour before you light a

match, eh? Otherwise, there'll be a ringing in their ears.

Cheers, darling.

I'll catch you later.

I'll be back for lunch.

All right, then.

Ta -ra. Ta -ra.

He's a clever girl, then.

Don't worry, Trace.

I've got a noise suppressor.

believe all this. Gas back on, new supplies in, customers back, and a

thrown in. He must be a right little fixer.

Come on, what's the catch?

What's the deal, Sharon?

Sharon Theodopolopoulos does not do deals with anyone.

Especially Wiley Old Priest.

Mind you, I ain't averse to doing a few favours. Oh, yeah.

Ah, morning, ladies.

Make yourselves at home.

The Greek and Cypriot over -sixties club.

I give them half -price meals all day Friday.

And then I open Saturday morning just for them. Half -price breakfast.

That's a lot of half -price meals, Sal. Yes, well, you've got to be generous.

Apparently.

So, ladies, who's for a half -price breakfast, then?

Surprise, surprise.

Seaton, will you try?

Would you like another cup of tea?

Oh, please.

And Sharon, I wouldn't say no to a bagel.

What will I do When you are far

away And I am blue What

will I do When I'm alone With only

dreams